Two cannibals are eating a clown. One says to the other: "Does this
taste funny to you?"
A cannibal's recipe book: "How to Serve Your Fellow Man".
Two cannibals were sitting by a fire. The first says, "Gee, I sure don't
like my mother-in-law." The second replies, "So try the potatoes."
***** SPEAK CHINESE IN 2 MINUTES ***
Are you harboring a Fugitive? HU YU HAI DING?
Approach me KUM HIA
Stupid fellow DUM GAI
Small horse TAI NI PO NI
Prices are too high here NO BAI DAM TING
I bumped into a coffee table AI BANG MAI NI
Have you considered a face lift? CHIN TU FAT
You trying to save electricity? WAI SO DIM?
Inquiry to determine if bus is due HAO LONG WEI TING?
Unauthorized execution LIN CHING
Plaything belonging to ancient emperor MING TOY
You're blowing your diet WAI YU MUN CHING?
Tow-Away zone NO PAH KING
Q: What do you call a blonde with half a brain?
A: Gifted!
Q: How do blonde braincells die?
A: Alone.
Q: What do you call a blonde with 2 brain cells?
A: Pregnant.
Q: How do you brainwash a blonde?
A: Give her a douche and shake her upside down.
Q: What do you call it when a blonde dyes their
hair brunette?
A: Artificial intelligence.
Q: How does a blonde part their hair?
A1: (Action of scissoring legs apart)
A2: By doing the splits.
Q: Why aren't blondes good cattle herders?
A: Because they can't even keep two calves together!
Q: What did the blonde's right leg say to the
left leg?
A: Nothing. They've never met.
Q: Why do blondes wash their hair in the sink?
A: Because, that's where you're supposed to wash
vegetables!
Q: When does a brunette have 1/2 of a brain?
A: After a dye job.
Q: Why didn't the blonde want a window seat on
the plane?
A1: She'd just dyed her hair.
A2: She'd just blow dried her hair and she didn't
want it blown around too much.
Q: Why do blondes wear their hair up?
A: To catch everything that goes over their heads.
Q: Why is it good to have a blonde passenger?
A: You can park in the handicap zone.
Q: What was the blonde psychic's greatest
achievment?
A: An IN-body experience!
Q: Why is a blonde like a turtle?
A: They both get screwed up when they're on their back.
Q: What do Darren Millane (Collingwood footballer
killed in a recent carcrash) and a blonde have in common?
A: Put either of them in a car and their screwed.
Q: What's a blonde's favorite nursery rhyme?
A: Humpme Dumpme.
Q: How do you make a blonde's eyes light up?
A: Shine a flashlight in their ear.
Q: How do you get a blondes eyes to twinkle?
A: Shine a torch in her ears.
Q: Why should blondes not be given coffee breaks?
A: It takes too long to retrain them.
Q1 How can you tell if a blonde's been using the
computer?
A: There's white-out on the screen.
Q2: How can you tell if another blonde's been using
the computer?
A: There's writing on the white-out.
Q: What's the difference between a blonde and a
computer?
A: You only have to punch information into a computer
once.
Q: What do a blonde and your computer have in
common?
A: You don't know how much either of them mean to you
until they go down on you.
Q: What did the blonde think of the new computer?
A: She didn't like it because she couldn't get channel
9.
Q: Why do blondes wear shoulder pads?
A: (With a rocking of the head from side to side) I
dunno!
Q: How do you kill a blonde?
A: Put spikes in their shoulder pads.
Q: How do blondes pierce their ears?
A: They put tacks in their shoulder pads.
Q: Why don't blondes eat Jello?
A: They can't figure out how to get two cups of water
into those little packages.
Q: What do you call a blonde with a dollar on the
top of their head?
A: All you can eat, under a buck.
Q: Why don't blondes eat pickles?
A: Because they can't get their head in the jar.
Q: Why don't blondes eat bananas?
A1: They can't find the zipper.
A2: They cant find the pull tab.
Q: Why do blondes wear hoop earrings?
A: They have to have some place to rest their ankles.
Q: Why do blondes where big hoop earrings?
A: To put their feet through.
Q: What does a blonde put behind her ears to make
her more attractive?
A: Her ankles.
Q: Why do blondes wear green lipstick?
A: Because red means stop.
Q: Why do blondes wear red lipstick?
A: Because red means "Stop, wrong hole."
Q: How can you tell if a blonde has been in your
refrigerator?
A: By the lipstick on your cucumbers.
Q: Why don't blondes use vibrators?
A: They chip their teeth.
Q: Why do blondes wear underwear?
A: They make good ankle warmers.
Q: What do blondes do for foreplay?
A: Remove their underwear.
Q: Why don't blondes in San Francisco wear short
black mini skirts?
A: Cause their balls show!
Q: What's the mating call of the blonde?
A: "I'm *sooo* drunk!"
Q: What is the mating call of the ugly blonde?
A: (Screaming) "I said: I'm drunk!"
Q: How did the blonde die ice fishing?
A: She was run over by the zambonis machine.
Q: What's a brunette's mating call?
A: Has that blonde gone yet?
A2: When is that blonde bitch going to leave!?
A3: "All the blondes have gone home!"
Q: Why do blondes drive BMWs?
A: Because they can spell it.
Q: Why do blondes like the GST? (GST -- Goods
and Services Tax now in effect in Canada)
A: Because they can spell it.
Q: What is 74 to a blonde?
A: 69 plus G.S.T.
Q: Why do blondes have TGIF on their shoes?
A: Toes Go In First.
Q: Why do blondes have TGIF on their shirts?
A: Boobs Go In Front.
Q: What do you call a brunette with a blonde on
either side?
A: An interpreter.
Q: What do you call a blonde between two brunettes?
A: A mental block.
Q: How do you change a blonde's mind?
A1: Blow in her ear.
A2: Buy her another beer.
Q: What do you say to a blonde that won't give in?
A: "Have another beer."
Q: What do blondes do with their arseholes in the
morning?
A: Pack their lunch and send them to work.
Q: What's the first thing a blonde does in the
morning?
A1: Introduces themself.
A2: Walks home.
Q: How does a blonde like her eggs in the morning?
A: Fertilized.
Q: How does a blonde like her eggs?
A: Unfertilized.
Q: What's the first thing a blonde does after sex?
A: Opens the car door.
Q: How do blondes turn the light on after sex?
A: Kick open the car door.
Q: Why do blondes like tilt steering?
A: More head room.
Q: Why do blondes drive cars with sunroofs?
A: More leg room.
Q: What is the worst thing about sex with a blonde?
A: Bucket seats.
Q: What do blondes say after sex?
A1: "Thanks, Guys!"
A2: "Are you boys all in the same band?"
A3: Do you guys all play for the team?
A4: Who were all those guys?
Q: Why is a blonde like a door knob?
A: Because everybody gets a turn.
Q: Why is a blonde like railroad tracks?
A: Because she's been laid all over the country.
Q: What important question does a blonde ask her
mate before having sex?
A: Do you want this by the hour, or the flat rate?
Q: Why do blonde girls have trouble achieving
orgasm?
A: *Who cares?*
Q: Why do blondes have orgasms?
A: So they know when to stop having sex!
Q: How do you tell when a blonde reaches orgasm?
A1: She drops her nail-file!
A2: Who cares?
A3: She says, "Next".
A4: The next person in the queue taps you on the
shoulder.
A5: He's had his clothes for about 2 minutes.
A6: I mean, who really cares?
A7: The batteries have run out.
Q: What does a blonde say when you blow in their
ear?
A: "Thanks for the refill!"
Q: What is it called when a blonde blows in
another blonde's ear?
A: Data transfer.
Q: Why do blondes use tapons with extra long
strings?
A: So the crabs can go bungee-jumping.
Q: How can you tell which blonde is the waitress?
A: She is the one with the tampon behind her ear,
wondering what she did with her pencil.
Q: What did the blonde customer say to the buxom
waitress (reading her nametag) ?
A: "'Debbie'...that's cute. What did you name
the other one ?"
Q: Why do blondes have more fun?
A1: Because they don't know any better.
A2: They are easier to keep amused.
Q: How many blondes does it take to change a
lightbulb?
A1: "What's a lightbulb?"
A2: One. She holds the bulb and the world revolves
around her.
A3: Two. One to hold the Diet Pepsi, and one to
call, "Daaady!"
Q: What's a blonde's favourite wine?
A: "Daaaddy, I want to go to Miaaami!"
Q: What do you call a basement full of blondes?
A: A wine cellar.
Q: Why are there no dumb brunettes?
A: Peroxide.
Q: Why does NASA hire peroxide blondes?
A: They're doing research on black holes.
Q: What does a peroxide blonde and a 747 have
in common?
A1: They both have a black box.
A2: Both have a cockpit.
Q: What is the difference between a blonde and
a 747?
A: Not everyone has been in a 747.
Q: What's the difference between a blonde and
a limousine?
A: Not everybody has been in a limo.
Q: What does a blonde say when she gives birth?
A: Gee, Are you sure it's mine?
Q: What did the blonde say when she found out
she was pregnant?
A: "Are you sure it's mine?"
Q: What do you call 10 blondes standing ear to ear?
A: A wind tunnel.
Q: What do you call 15 blondes in a circle?
A: A dope ring.
Q: Santa Claus, the Tooth Fairy, a dumb blonde,
and a smart blonde are walking down the street when
they spot a $10 bill. Who picks it up?
A1: The dumb blonde! because, there is no such thing
as Santa Claus, the tooth fairy, or a smart blonde.
A2: None of them. There is no such thing as Santa
Claus, the Tooth Fairy or a smart blonde and the dumb
blonde thought it was a gum wrapper.
Q: Why did the blonde scale the glass wall?
A: To see what was on the other side.
Q: What do you do when a blonde throws a hand
grenade at you?
A: Pull the pin and throw it back.
Q: Why do blondes take the pill?
A: So they know what day of the week it is.
Q: Why did the blonde stop using the pill?
A: Because it kept falling out.
Q: Why did the blonde have a sore navel?
A: Because her boyfriend was also blonde!
Q: If a blonde and a brunette are tossed off
a building, who hits the ground first?
A: The brunette. The blonde has to stop to ask for
directions.
Q: What happens when a blonde gets Alzheimers
disease?
A: Her IQ goes up!
Q: What's the difference between Indiana and a
blonde?
A: A blonde has larger hills and deeper valleys.
Q: Whats the difference between a blonde and a
Porsche?
A: You don't lend the Porsche out to your friend.
Q: What's the difference between a blonde and a
toothbrush?
A: You don't let your best friend borrow your
toothbrush.
Q: What is the difference between butter and
a blonde?
A: Butter is difficult to spread.
***
Yo mama so fat she hitch-hikes on dump trucks
Yo mama so fat she uses hoola
hoops to hold up her socks!
Yo mama so fat when her beeper
goes off, people thought she was backing up.
Yo mama so fat that she needs
a sock for each toe
Yo mama so fat she eats Wheat
Thicks.
Yo mama so fat people jog around
her for exercise.
Yo mama so fat when she bungee
jumps she goes straight to hell!
Yo mama so fat she was the cause
of a major crash.
Yo mama so fat she went to the
movies and sat next to everyone.
Yo mama so fat, everytime someone
say "Kool Aid" she bust through the wall.
Yo mama so fat when she sits in
the classroom, she sits beside everybody.
Yo mama so fat you have to roll
over twice to get off her...
Yo mama so fat, she put on a red
tee shirt and all the little kids said "Kool-Aid, Kool-Aid".
Yo mama so fat they wrote a book
about her, it was called Moby Dick.
Yo mama so fat she lay on the
beach and people run around yelling Free Willy.
Yo mama so fat when you get on
top of her your ears pop!
Yo mama so fat she goes to a resturant,
looks at the menu and says "okay!"
Yo mama so fat when she wears
a yellow raincoat, people said "Taxi!"
Yo mama so fat she had to go to
Sea World to get baptized.
Yo mama so fat she got to iron
her pants on the driveway.
Yo mama so fat she put on her
lipstick with a paint-roller.
Yo mama so fat when she tripped
over on 4th Ave, she landed on 12th
Yo mama so fat when she bungee
jumps, she brings down the bridge too
Yo mama so fat the highway patrol
made her wear "Caution! Wide Turn"
Yo mama so fat when she sits around
the house, she SITS AROUND THE HOUSE!
Yo mama so fat when she steps
on a scale, it read "one at a time, please"
Yo mama so fat when she sits on
my face I can't hear the stereo.
Yo mama so fat when she gets on
the scale it says to be continued.
Yo mama so fat when she gets on
the scale it says we don't do livestock.
Yo mama so fat she's got her own
area code!
Yo mama so fat she looks like
she's smuggling a Volkswagon!
Yo mama so fat God couldn't light
Earth till she moved!
Yo mama so fat NASA has to orbit
a satellite around her!
Yo mama so fat whenever she goes
to the beach the tide comes in!
Yo mama so fat when she plays
hopscotch, she goes New York, L.A., Chicago...
Yo mama so fat she's got Amtrak
written on her leg.
Yo mama so fat she wakes up in
sections!
Yo mama so fat when she goes to
an amusement park, people try to ride HER!
Yo mama so fat she was mistaken
for God's bowling ball!
Yo mama so fat when she lies on
the beach no one else gets sun!
Yo mama so fat she jumped up in
the air and got stuck!
Yo mama so fat she got more chins
than a Chinese phone book!
Yo mama so fat that her senior
pictures had to be arial views!
Yo mama so fat she's on both sides
of the family!
Yo mama so fat everytime she walks
in high heels, she strikes oil!
Yo mama so fat she fell and made
the Grand Canyon!
Yo mama so fat she sat on the
beach and Greenpeace threw her in!
Yo mama so fat that when she hauls
ass, she has to make two trips!
Yo mama so fat even her clothes
have stretch marks!
Yo mama so fat she has a wooden
leg with a kickstand!
Yo mama so fat she has to use
a VCR as a beeper!
Yo mama so fat she broke her leg,
and gravy poured out!
Yo mama so fat when she rides
in a hot air balloon, it looks like she's wearin tights!
Yo mama so fat they have to grease
the bath tub to get her out!
Yo mama so fat she has a run in
her blue-jeans!
Yo mama so fat when she back up
she beep.
Yo mama so fat she has to buy
two airline tickets.
Yo mama so fat when she fell over
she rocked herself asleep trying to get again.
Yo mama so fat she influences
the tides.
Yo mama so fat that when I tried
to drive around her I ran out of gas.
Yo mama so fat the animals at
the zoo feed her.
Yo mama so fat when she dances
at a concert the whole band skips.
Yo mama so fat she stands in two
time zones.
Yo mama so fat it takes her two
trips to haul ass
Yo mama so fat you have to grease
the door frame and hold a twinkie on the other side just to get her through
Yo mama so fat when the bitch
goes to an all you can eat buffet, they have to install speed bumps.
Yo mama so fat that she cant tie
her own shoes.
Yo mama so fat sets off car alarms
when she runs.
Yo mama so fat she cant reach
her back pocket.
Yo mama so fat when she wears
a Malcomn X T-shirt, helicopters try to land on her back!
Yo mama so fat she lays on the
beach and greenpeace tried to push her back in the water
Yo mama so fat she uses redwoods
to pick her teeth
Yo mama so fat the only pictures
you have of her are satellite pictures
Yo mama so fat she stepped on
a rainbow and made Skittles.
Yo mama so fat that she would
have been in E.T., but when she rode the bike across the moon, the she
caused an
eclipse.
Yo mama so fat she hoola-hooped
the super bowl.
Yo mama so fat they tie a rope
around her shoulders and drag her through a tunnel when they want to clean
it.
Yo mama so fat when she got hit
by a bus, she said, "Who threw that rock?"
Yo mama so fat when she stands
in a left-turn lane it gives her the green arrow!
Yo mama so fat that when whe was
born, she gave the hospital stretch marks.
Yo mama so fat the National Weather
Agency has to assign names to her farts!
Yo mama so fat we went to the
drive-in and didn't have to pay because we dressed her as a Chevrolet.
Yo mama so fat she was Miss Arizona
-- class Battleship
Yo mama so fat she accidently
got a 747 caught in her teeth
Yo mama so fat to her "light food"
means under 4 Tons
Yo mama so fat The Himalayas are
practices runs to prepare for her
Yo mama so fat she went on a date
with high heels on and came back with sandals!
Yo mama so fat she stepped on
a talking scale and it told her to get the fuck off!
Yo mama so fat and stupid, her
waist size is larger than her IQ!
Yo mama so fat she was zoned for
commercial development
Yo mama so fat she won "Miss Bessie
the Cow 94"
Yo mama so fat she has more rolls
than a mary jane truck.
Yo mama so fat people go on expeditions
on her tits!
Yo mama so fat he got a ham for
a pet.
Yo mama so fat, when I walked
by her house, I saw her ass in every window!
Yo mama so fat God can't lift
her spirits!
Yo mama so fat she wipes her ass
with a mattress.
Yo mama so fat one day it was
raining and she put on her yellow coat to go down the street and a kid
saw her and said
"Damn, I missed the bus again!".
Yo mama so fat she played Free
Willy's stunt double.
Yo mama so fat when she falls
in the Grand Canyon, she gets stuck.
Yo mama so fat I saw her on top
of the Empire State building snatching at airplanes.
Yo mama so fat she got an actual
size tattoo of the projects on her butt.
Yo mama so fat that when she drives
on the interstate, she has to stop at the weigh station.
Yo mama so fat when she jumps
off the high dive she shows up on radar.
Yo mama so fat she uses a freeway
for a slip and slide.
Yo mama so fat her butt cheeks
look like 2 pigs fighting over Milk Duds.
Yo mama so fat her belt size is
equator.
Yo mama so fat that people wish
to buy food 100% "Yo Mama Free"
Yo mama so fat they won't allow
her on most bridges.
Yo mama so fat the police dogs
stopped her at the airport for having 10 lbs of crack.
Yo mama so fat she got more crack
than South Central LA
Yo mama so fat when she sat on
an ice berge she made crushed ice!!!
Yo mama so fat she got hit by
a car and said, "Who touched me?"
Yo mama so fat her blood type
is RAGU!!!!!!
Yo mama so fat for a tampon she
uses a role of bounty and a rope!
Yo mama so fat when she jumped
for joy, she got stuck.
Yo mama so fat when she went outside
with yellow biker shorts, two midgets jumpped in her ass and thought she
was a
cab.
Yo mama so fat she fills up the
bath tub, and THEN turns on the water.
Yo mama so fat she couldn't get
the part in Forrest Gump because she kept eating the box of chocolates.
Yo mama so fat she got the part
in Raiders of The Lost Ark as the big rolling ball.
Yo mama so fat when she looks
in a mirror, she saw another mirror.
Yo mama so fat when the guy cursed
"thinner" on her she said thanks.
Yo mama so poor she can't afford the o or the r.
Yo mama so poor when I saw her
kicking a can down the street, I asked her what she was doing, she said
"Moving."
Yo mama so poor she can't afford
to pay attention!
Yo mama so poor when I ring the
doorbell I hear the toilet flush!
Yo mama so poor when she goes
to KFC, she has to lick other people's fingers!!!
Yo mama so poor when I ring the
doorbell she says,"DING!"
Yo mama so poor she went to McDonald's
and put a milkshake on layaway.
Yo mama so poor your family ate
cereal with a fork to save milk.
Yo mama so poor her face is on
the front of a foodstamp.
Yo mama so poor she was in K-Mart
with a box of Hefty bags. I said, "What ya doin'?" She said, "Buying
luggage."
Yo mama so poor she drives a peanut.
Yo mama so poor she waves around
a popsicle stick and calls it air conditioning.
Yo mama so poor burglars break
in her house and leave money
Yo mama so poor you go out for
sunday pushes of the skateboard
Do you know the story about the
little old woman that lives in a shoe? Well, Yo mama so poor she live in
a flip flop!
Yo mama so poor she does drive
by shootings on the bus.
Yo mama so poor you put RoundUp
on the weeds and she said, "There goes breakfast, lunch, and dinner!"
Yo mama so poor you asked her
where the facilities were, and she said, "Pick a corner, any corner."
Yo mama so poor I walked into
your house and 3 roaches tripped me & tried to take my wallet!
Yo mama so poor, I walked in her
house, stepped on a cigirate, and she said, "Who turned out the light/heat?"
Yo mama's so ugly when she joined an ugly contest,
they said "sorry, no professionals."
Yo mama's so ugly had to get her baby drunk just
so she could breastfeed.
Yo mama's so ugly her face is closed on weekends!
Yo mama's so ugly her mama had to tie a steak around
her neck to get the dogs to play with her.
Yo mama's so ugly I took her to haunted house and
she came out with a job application
Yo mama's so ugly I took her to the zoo, guy at the
door said "thanks for bringing her back
Yo mama's so ugly instead of putting the bungee cord
around her ankle, they put it around her neck
Yo mama's so ugly just after she was born, her mama'said
"What a treasure!" and her father said "Yes, let's go bury it."
Yo mama's so ugly people go as her for Halloween.
Yo mama's so ugly she can look up a camel's butt
and scare the hump off of it
Yo mama's so ugly she could be the poster child for
abortion/birth control!
Yo mama's so ugly she could scare the chrome off
a bumper!
Yo mama's so ugly she could scare the moss off a
rock!
Yo mama's so ugly she has to trick or treat over
the phone
Yo mama's so ugly she made an onion cry.
Yo mama's so ugly she scares the roaches away.
Yo mama's so ugly she threw a boomerang and it wouldn't
even come back
Yo mama's so ugly that if ugly were bricks she'd
have her own projects.
Yo mama's so ugly the government moved Halloween
to her birthday.
Yo mama's so ugly the last time she heard a whistle
was when she got hit by a train
Yo mama's so ugly the psychiatrist makes her lie
facedown.
Yo mama's so ugly they didn't give her a costume
when she tried out for Star Wars.
Yo mama's so ugly they know what time she was born,
because her face stopped the clock!
Yo mama's so ugly they push her face into dough to
make gorilla cookies.
Yo mama's so ugly when she sits in the sand the cat
tries to bury her.
Yo mama's so ugly when she walks in the kitchen,
the rats jump on the table and start screaming.
Yo mama's so ugly when she walks into a bank, they
turn off the surveillence cameras
Yo mama's so ugly when she was born she was put in
an incubator with tinted windows
Yo mama's so ugly when she was born the doctor didn't
give her shampoo.
Yo mama's so ugly when she was born, her mama'saw
the afterbirth and said "Twins!"
Yo mama was such an ugly baby that her parents had
to feed her with slingshots.
Yo mama's so old and stupid she knew the Virgin Mary
when she was 10 and said, "Li'l Mary will never amount to anything".
Yo mama's so old Jurassic Park brought back memories.
Yo mama's so old she has a picture of Jesus in her
yearbook.
Yo mama's so old she has a picture of Moses in her
yearbook.
Yo mama's so old she knew the Beetles when they were
the New Kids on the Block
Yo mama's so old she owes Jesus a nickel.
Yo mama's so old she owes Moses a quarter.
Yo mama's so old she's got Jesus' beeper number.
Yo mama's so old that when she was in school there
was no history class.
Yo mama's so old when god said "let there be light"
she was there to flick the switch
Yo mama's so old when Moses split the red sea, she
was on the other side fishing
Yo mama's so old when she reads the bible she reminisces
Yo mama's so old, her birthday's expired.
Yo mama's so old, she co-wrote one of the ten commandments.
Yo mama's so old, she coughs out dust.
Yo mama's so old, she knew Burger King while he was
still a prince.
Yo mama's so old, she used to babysit Jesus.
Yo mama's got 1 leg longer than other and they call
her call her hip hop
Yo mama's got 1 toe & 1 knee and they call her
Tony
Yo mama's got a bald head with a part and sideburns.
Yo mama's got a metal afro with rusty sideburns.
Yo mama's got a wooden leg with a kickstand on it.
Yo mama's got a wooden leg with branches.
Yo mama's got hair on her tongue and she gargles
with curl activator.
Yo mama's got more crust than bucket of Kentucky
Fried Chicken.
Yo mama's got no fingers talking bout wanted to be
with the Pointer sisters
Yo mama's got no legs and always talking about how
she used to kick it
Yo mama's got one ear, talking bout she wants to
hear both sides of the story
Yo mama's got one eye, one leg, one arm and one knee
and they call her UNO
Yo mama's got snakeskin teeth.
Yo mama's got so many gaps in her teeth it looks
like piano keys.
Yo mama's got so many rings around belly she's gotta
screw her underwear on.
Yo mama's got so many teeth missing, it looks like
her tounge is in jail.
Yo mama's got so much hair under her arms, it looks
like she's got Buckwheat in a headlock.
Yo mama's got three fingers and a banjo.
Yo mama's got three teeth...one in her mouth and
two in her pocket.
Yo mama's got two wooden legs and one is one backward.
Yo mama has 10 fingers - all on the same hand.
Yo mama has 4 eyes and 2 pair of sunglasses.
Yo mama has a 'fro with warning lights.
Yo mama has a short leg and walks in circles.
Yo mama has green hair and thinks she's a tree.
Yo mama has one ear and a burnt potato chip
Yo mama has one ear and has to take off her hat to
hear what You're saying.
Yo mama has one hand and a Clapper.
Yo mama has one leg and a bicycle.
Yo mama has one short arm and can't applaude.
Yo mama has one short leg and walks in circles.
Yo mama has so much hair on her upper lip, she braids it.
You Might Be A Redneck If:
You've ever had to siphon gas from your lawn mower to put into your truck.
Your kid calls your sister, mom.
You think icing is what you do to your front steps before your mother in law comes over.
You drink gas because you found out you can run two and a half miles per hour faster.
You've ever tried to drown a fish.
You buy your jewelry at the hardware store.
You drink Labatt 50
You've ever had to knock the spider webs down to use the bathroom.
Your son says, "Dad, can I have a can of mix?"
Your Christmas stocking is full of ammo.
You go to the DMV to transfer the title to your home.
You can yell to your mom, "Hey, Aunt Betty!"
You wonder why there isn't a hairstyle called "The Hat Line."
You actually like Spam.
Your pickup truck has a bigger turning radius than your house.
You send a request to a major fragrance designer to try to recreate the smell of a dead
skunk.
Your wife howls at the moon more than your huntin' dogs.
The same pair of boots have been in your family for five generations and they're only
twenty years old.
You go swimming in the drainage ditch behind your house.
You cuss and refer to your wife, mother, aunt, and sister with one word.
Your kids fight with the dogs for their dinner.
You have more pet names for your huntin' dog than for your girlfriend.
You mistake the offering plate for a spit can.
You go to church to pick up women.
You bring your dog with you to church.
You think that Australia is ruled by the south because their flags are similar.
You think the Franklin Mint is a breath freshener.
Your only tie is made of leather, silver and turquoise.
You buy a can of Mountain Dew just to serve as a container to spit tobacco juice in.
Your house gets picked up every week.
If bar-b-que is a daily thing.
You think that the Dark Side is a room in your house.
You think doctorin' involves mamma's sewing kit and a jug.
You've ever held a guy over your head because of a fight over a CD radio.
You think a Ford Mustang is a new bread of horse.
You prefer to sleep in the truck than in your house.
You have heard more than four people say "Your mamma...she's naked!" before
running out of a room with new heart conditions.
You've ever stood in line to have your picture made with a freak of nature.
You break wind in public and blame it on your kid.
You've ever valet parked a snowplow.
You vacuum the sheets instead of washing them.
You've ever gotten an official letter of recognition from a tobacco or beer company.
You've ever taken reading material into an airplane restroom.
You kissed your own wife at midnight at the New Year's eve party.
You've ever paid for a 6-pack of beer with pennies.
There are hubcap wind chimes anywhere on your block.
You have a Bud Light pool table light hanging over your dining room table.
The strongest smell in your house is butane.
Your dog passes gas and you claim it.
You've ever mistaken your Aunt Betty for a man.
You think paprika is a Third World country.
You ask the preacher, "How's it hanging?"
You go to a stock car race and don't need a program.
You have a bumper sticker that says, "My mother's an honor student" at the local
junior high.
You think potted meat on a saltine is an hors d'oeuvre.
You played the banjo in your high school band.
The velvet paintings in your house were bought from an art dealer on the side of the
highway.
You have no hubcaps on your car because you're using them to feed you hunting dogs.
More than one living relative is named after a Southern Civil War general.
You think the stock market has a fence around it.
You think the O.J. trial was the big Sunkist and Minutemaid taste test.
Your boat has not left the driveway in 15 years.
You've ever used lard in bed. Your coffee table used to be a telephone cable spool.
You keep a can of Raid on the kitchen table.
You pick your teeth from a catalog You've ever financed a tattoo.
You refer to the time you won a free case of oil as the "day my ship came in."
Your hairdo has ever been ruined by a ceiling fan.
Your mother has been involved in a fist-fight at a high school sports event.
You've ever barbecued Spam on the grill.
You own all the components of soap on a rope except the soap.
The best way to keep things cold is to leave'em in the shade.
You've ever raked leaves in your kitchen.
The neighbors started a petition over your Christmas lights.
Your brother-in-law is your uncle.
Your entire family has ever sat around waiting for a call from the governor to spare a
loved one.
You go to the family reunion to pick up women.
You can't tell what color your car is because of the dirt.
You have refused to watch the Academy Awards since "Smokey and the Bandit" was
snubbed for best picture.
None of your shirts cover your stomach.
Your only condiment on the dining room table is the economy size bottle of ketchup.
The rear cars on your car are twice the size of your front ones.
You consider "Outdoor Life" deep reading.
You prominently display a gift you bought a Graceland.
You use the term 'over yonder' more than once a month.
Birds are attracted to your beard.
The diploma hanging in your den contains the words "Trucking Institute."
Your mother keeps a spit cup on the ironing board.
Your wife's job requires her to wear an orange vest.
You've ever worn a tube top to a wedding.
Bikers back down from your momma.
You were shooting pool when your kids were born.
Your favorite Christmas present was a painting on black velvet.
Your school fight song was "Dueling Banjos."
You think a chain saw is a musical instrument.
You've ever stolen clothes from a scarecrow.
You think that beef jerky and Moon Pies are two of the major food groups.
You've ever shot a deer from inside your house.
The first words out of your mother every time you see friends are "Howdy!"
"HEY!" or "How Y'all Doin'?"
You have more that two brothers named Bubba or Junior.
You've ever stolen toilet paper from a public restroom.
You clean your nails with a stick.
You prefer car keys to a Q-tip.
People are scared to touch your wife's bathrobe.
Your father encourages you to quit school because Larry has an opening on the lube rack.
You think a Volvo is part of a woman's anatomy.
You've ever used a toilet seat as a picture frame.
Your home has more miles on it than your car.
Your Christmas tree is still up in March.
You've ever been arrested for loitering.
There is a stuffed possum anywhere in your house.
You hammer bottle caps into the frame of your front door to make it look nice.
You've ever shot anyone for looking at you. You own a homemade fur coat.
Your wife can climb a tree faster than your cat.
Your momma has "ammo" on her Christmas list.
You've totaled every car you've ever owned.
There are more than five McDonald's bags currently on the floorboard of your car.
Momma taught you how to flip a cigarette.
There is a wasp nest in your living room.
The Home Shopping Channel operator recognizes you voice.
You give your dad a gallon of Pepto-Bismol for his birthday.
There has ever been crime scene tape on your front door.
You burn your front yard rather than mow it.
You consider a six-pack and a bug-zapper high-quality entertainment.
Fewer than half of your cars run.
You've ever been kicked out of the zoo for heckling the monkeys.
The taillight covers of your car are made of tape.
Your car has never had a full tank of gas.
Any of your kids were conceived in a car wash.
Your momma has ever been involved in a cuss fight with the principal.
You think a subdivision is part of a math problem.
You've ever bathed with flea and tick soap.
Your good deed for the month was hiding your brother for a few days.
You stand under the mistletoe at Christmas and wait for Granny and cousin Sue-Ellen to
walk by.
Your favorite T-shirt is offensive in thirteen states.
You've ever been involved in a custody fight over a huntin' dog.
You're an expert on worm beds.
The dog catcher calls for a backup unit when he visits your house.
Your wife has ever said, "Come move this transmission so I can take a bath!"
Your family tree does not fork.
The flood history of the area can be seen on your living room walls.
You haul more than U-Haul.
Your momma has ever stomped into the house and announced, "The feud is back on!"
There is a gun rack on your bicycle.
Your wedding was held in the delivery room.
Your soap on a rope doubles as an air freshener.
Your wife's hairdo attracts bees.
Your baby's first words are "Attention K-Mart shoppers."
The antenna on your truck is a danger to low flying airplanes.
Your primary source of income is the pawn shop.
You can't visit relatives without getting mud on your tires.
Your mother doesn't put on her shoes to go grocery shopping.
You've ever been blacklisted by a bowling alley.
You honest-to-God think women are turned on by animal noises and seductive tongue
gestures.
Anyone in your family has ever purchased peroxide in a gallon container.
You don't think baseball players spit and scratch too much.
You've ever been to a wedding reception at the Waffle House.
Your dog has ever brought home something that you cooked for dinner.
You owe a taxidermist more than your monthly income.
You've ever caught bugs just so you could throw them in the bug zapper.
You have a Hefty Bag for a passenger-side window.
You mow your lawn and find a car.
You can spit without opening your mouth.
Going to the bathroom in the middle of the night involves putting on shoes and a jacket
and grabbing a flashlight.
You go Christmas shopping for your mom, sister, and girlfriend, and you only need to buy
one gift.
You are still holding on to Confederate money because you think the South will rise again.
You consider pork and beans to be a gourmet food.
You have to go down to the creek to take a bath.
You can amuse yourself for more than an hour with a fly swatter.
You participate in the "who can spit tobacco the farthest contest."
You roll your hair with soup cans and wash it once a year.
You've never paid for a haircut.
You consider a three-piece suit to be: a pair of overalls, a plaid flannel shirt and
thermal underwear.
You think the Mountain Men is Deliverance were just "misunderstood."
You've ever made change in the offering plate.
The fifth grade is referred to as " your senior year."
You consider a good tan to be the back of your neck and the left arm below the shirt
sleeve.
You own at least 20 baseball caps.
You think a 'cursor' is someone who swears a lot.
You know of at least six different ways to bend the bill of a baseball cap.
You can change the oil in your truck without ducking your head.
When you run out of gas, you put gin in the gas tank.
Your screen door has no screen.
Your biggest ambition in life is to "git that big ole coon. The one that hangs'round
over yonder, back'ah Bubba's barn..."
Three quarters of the clothes you own have logos on them.
Your grandfather completely executes the "pull my finger" trick at the family
reunion.
When you leave your house, you are followed by federal agents of the Bureau of Alcohol,
Tobacco and Firearms, and the only thing you worry about is if you can lose them or not.
You have house that's mobile and 14 cars that aren't.
Your gene pool doesn't have a "deep end."
Your 'huntin dawg' cost more than the truck you drive him around in.
You have a Hefty bag for a convertible top.
Your belt buckle weighs more than three pounds.
You have an Elvis Jell-O mold.
You have the taxidermist's number on speed-dial.
You own more cowboy boots than sneakers.
You've been to a funeral and there were more pick-ups than cars.
You have a picture of Johnny Cash, Willie Nelson, or Elvis over your fireplace.
You just bought an 8-track player to put in your car.
There are four or more cars up on blocks in the front yard.
It's easier to spray weed killer on your lawn than mow it.
You think that John Deere Green, Ford Blue and Primer Gray are the three primary colors.
You've ever climbed a water tower with a bucket of paint to defend your sister's honor.
Your vehicle has a two-tone paint job--primer red and primer gray.
The tobacco chewers in your family aren't just men.
Your momma calls you over to help, cause she has a flat tire... on her house.
The ASPCA raids your kitchen.
You have to check in the bottom of your shoe for change so you can get Grandma a new plug
of tobacco.
You can't get married to your sweetheart because there is a law against it.
You celebrate Groundhog's Day because you believe in it.
Your kid takes a siphon hose to show-and-tell.
You've been on TV more than 5 times describing what the tornado sounded like.
You fish in your above-ground pool... and catch something.
You see a sign that says "Say no to crack" and it reminds you to pull your jeans
up.
Your beer can collection is considered a tourist attraction in your home town.
Getting a page from your post office requires a full tank of gas in the truck.
Your wife wants to stop at the gas station too see if they've got the new Darrell Waltrip
Budweiser wall clock.
You dated your daddy's current wife in high school.
You're moved to tears every time you hear Dolly Parton singing "I Will Always Love
You."
You grow Vidalia onions, rather than considering them a gourmet item.
Your Momma would rather go to the racetrack than the Kennedy Center. (Clinton true-life
story)
The most serious loss from the earthquake was your Conway Twitty record collection (your
insurance man is a redneck too if he pays you for it.)
You have spent more on your pickup truck than on your education.
You've ever hit a deer with your car... deliberately.
You can tell your age by the number of rings in the bathtub.
Your momma gives you tips on how to sneak booze into sporting events.
Exxon and Conoco have offered you royalties for your hair.
Your dad is also your favorite uncle.
Your classes at school were canceled because the path to the restroom was flooded.
During your senior year, you and your mother had homeroom together.
You're a lite beer drinker, because you start drinking when it gets light.
On your fist date you had to ask your Dad to borrow the keys to the tractor.
Your parakeet knows the phrase "Open up, Police!"
You saved lots of money on your honeymoon by going deer hunting.
Taking your wife on a cruise means circling the Dairy Queen.
You think the last words to the Star Spangled Banner are "Play Ball..."
You have a color coordinated rope that ties down your car hood.
You bring your dog to work with you.
Your grandmother can properly execute the sleeper hold.
You've ever held somebody up with a caulk gun.
You have every episode of "Hee Haw" on tape.
Your favorite hunting dog has a bigger tombstone than your grandfather.
Your masseuse uses lard.
Your wife's best shoes have steel toes.
You use your fishing license as a form of ID
On stage night, you take a real deer.
You use a 55 Chevy as a guesthouse.
Your back porch is bigger than your house.
You've ever hollered, "Rock the house, Bubba!" during a piano recital.
Your kids' favorite bedtime story is "Curious George and the High Voltage Fence.
Your watchband is wider than any book you've ever read.
You know who is actually leading the Winston Cup series.
You've ever had to turn your pickup truck around because of bridge clearance restrictions.
Your favorite beer company cannot afford to advertise.
You have more carpet on your toilet than on your floors.
Your dad walks you to school because your in the same grade.
You've ever been too drunk to fish.
Someone asks for your ID and you show 'em your belt buckle.
Your dog and your wallet are both on a chain.
Every day somebody comes to your door mistakenly thinking that you're having a yard sale.
The UFO hotline limits you to one call per day.
You prefer to walk the access length of your jeans rather than hem them.
You smoked during your wedding.
People ask to hunt in your front yard.
Your two-year-old has more teeth than you do.
Your check feature pictures of dogs fighting.
Your mother has ever come out of the bathroom and said, "Ya'll come look at this
before I flush it.
Your satellite dish is bigger than your house.
Your tires on your truck are bigger than your wife.
You've ever driven a tractor to school.
Your high school prom had a day care center.
You have more than five magazines on the back of your toilet.
There is a shrine to the Dukes of Hazard somewhere in your home.
Your dad has ever been married so many times that U-haul gives him Christmas cards.
You had a necklace made from a beer tab.
Your grandma got in a fist-fight over a handicap parking space.
You think the Indy 500 is 500 Indians running down a hill.
If your life long dream is to get the autograph of the General Lee from
the TV show Dukes of Hazard.
If you apologize to your car repeatedly just to get it started.
If you pet someone else's dog and your wife thinks you're flirting.
If your idea of a night on the town is ordering two Big Macs and a large fry.
If the couch in your living room was found beside the curb.
If the furniture on your front lawn is in better condition then the furniture in your
living room.
If your idea of home improvement is rearranging the cars in your front
yard.
If your "I Love...." tattoo has more than one name crossed out on it.
If you met your first and present wife at the Dairy Queen.
If your idea of a divorce settlement is splitting the bills equally.
If you have at least one of those clapper devices controlling the appliances in your
house.
If you've ever thought about trying to install a clapper device on your car as a remote
starter.
If you refuse to live in a house because there isn't enough room for all
of your cars.
If you memorize redneck jokes so you can be the life of the party.
If more than one of your friends shows up at your Halloween party wearing a lampshade
asking "Know what I am?"
If your girlfriends idea of safe sex is to lock the car door.
If the entire police force of your town knows you on a first name basis.
If you have a 'reserved' cell at the police station.
If you've ever tried to marry a judge just to get out of paying a traffic ticket.
If you think a blood alcohol test is used to make sure there isn't any blood in your case
of beer.
If you watch the "Jeff Foxworthy Show" religiously.
If you lie awake at night thinking of redneck jokes to submit to Jeff
Foxworthy.
If you prefer to kill what you eat rather than buying what you eat.
If the Home Shopping channel is the second most watched program in your house (Hee-Haw
being the first).
You think going formal is wearing your good overalls.
You own the big truck that transports trailer homes.
Your mobile home still has the flags and signs that say "Wide Load."
Your home grown vegetables are grown on your kitchen window sill.
Your dog has it's own place setting at the dinner table.
You claim your pets as dependents on your income tax.
Everyday at your house is a family reunion.
You have your own dog kennel in your back yard.
You've found every one of your pets.
You've ever tied a leash on a grasshopper.
The most common phrase in your house is "Somebody go jiggle the handle."
You have ever been accused of lying through your tooth.
You call rust a quality paint job.
If you've ever been a member of the KKK at more than one time.
Someone yells hoe-down and your girlfriend hits the floor.
You stare at a can of orange juice because it says concentrate.
Your underwear doubles as your bathing suit.
You swerve to hit a deer.
You can play the star spangled banner on your beer gut.
Your momma and your dog bathe together.
The grocery store clerk wouldn't believe the Skoal was for your mom.
You know all the lyrics to the hit song CONVOY.
Your definition of hard drive is a pickup truck with no seat cushions on a bumpy road.
You use a tire for a sled.
Your bathroom air freshener is a pack of matches.
You got married at a monster truck rally.
Your not allowed to mention the game warden at the table.
Your Aunt Birtha used to be your Uncle Joe.
You wore your Carhart overalls and matching coat to your senior prom.
You use a Coleman lantern as your only source of heat.
You have to slip a bottle of Jack Daniels to the emissions guy so that your truck will
pass.
You've ever used the scope on your huntin' rifle to locate your kids.
You consider your license plate personalized because your dad made it.
You enter a fully functioning, deserted restroom and urinate in the sink.
You brush your tooth less than you comb your eyebrow.
You only know one foreign city, Copenhagen.
If your house and your barn are the same building.
If your best crystal used to contain snuff.
You consider muskrat a gourmet food.
Your house is on wheels and three cars in the yard.
You have a horse and he eats the same foods you do.
You take spurs to show off at your local public school.
Your toenails curl before you cut them.
Socks in bed turn you on.
You think a sieve is part of your shirt.
You let you kid pee in the parking lot at K-Mart.
You took a beer to a job interview.
You think when someone says the word rig and it reminds you of a pair of suspenders.
Your mom is the man of the house.
You wear a bra under a strapless dress.
If you've ever worn a tube top to a wedding.
You think another name for a pay toilet is Johnny Cash.
Your dad and your tires are both bald.
Your wife has only one bra and you have 10 fishing poles.
Your neighbors swing is a better tire than you have on your truck.
You live in a $24,500 trailer and have a $2,425,000 bass boat.
Your tractor hat and coat are the same color.
Your idea of a gourmet meal is the noon special at the truck stop.
You think straight D's is the honor roll.
You think payday is when the welfare check comes.
You think multi-cultural means you have more than one virus at a time.
When someone mentions a sleeping bag you think of your wife.
You think buying from the good humor truck is ordering alacarte.
The best art work you own is a cut out from a twelve pack of beer.
If you have to mow your driveway.
You own any willow furniture you made yourself.
You have a collar and your dog doesn't.
You were acquitted for murdering your first wife after she threw out your Elvis 45's.
Your front porch collapses and four dogs got killed.
You stand in line for more than 7 hours for your deer tags.
If your mother drives a tractor-trailer and her friends call her "Butch".
If your backyard looks like a junkyard.
You spend more money on Copenhagen and Budweiser in a year than you do on your whole
family.
You think tractor pulling should be the national sport.
Your dad walks you to school because you are in the same grade.
You've ever dipped snuff during a job interview.
You ask for all your teeth for Christmas.
If your momma's beard is thicker than yours.
You ever re-mortgaged your house to buy a bass boat.
Everyone you know has more than one first name.
You ever made change in the offering plate.
Your momma can tell the highway patrolman to kiss off without taking the cigarette out of
her mouth.
You have ever gone to a concert in the Wall Mart parking lot.
You think a hot tub is a stolen bathroom fixture.
You think the last words to the Star Spangled Banner are "Drivers, Start Your
Engines".
Your think your license plate is personalized because your father made it in prison.
You think Dr. School is a miracle worker.
You've ever taken a stair off your house and used it as a running board on your truck.
You have an imprint of a tobacco can on the back pocket of your favorite blue jeans.
Someone asks you the time and you say "January".
You've ever been pulled over by the Coast Guard. Directions like "up the road a
piece" means you have to pack a lunch.
You ever walked two miles from your house to go to the bathroom.
The only gold you own is in your mouth.
You're related to everyone at the high school reunion.
You are the state cow tipping champ.
Your toothbrush has more hair than your dog.
You consider a six-pack life support.
You like the idea that there are 24 beers in a case and 24 hours in a day.
Your family vehicle bears the name John Deere.
Your yard is cleaner after a tornado than before.
Your mom ran off with the neighbor's dog.
You have more jewelry than Deion Sanders and it comes from the Home Shopping Network.
You need to tattoo your name on your hand so you can remember it.
You think a goat is an indoor animal.
You've ever financed a tattoo.
Your wife ruins her best dress going coon hunting.
The neighborhood tire relay winner is the fastest one to change all the tires on his
house.
Your family tree forms a wreath.
If the contents of your fishing tackle box is worth more than your house.
You mow your front lawn and discover five cars.
People come up and ask you daily if you're having a yard sale.
You have to drive past more than three junk cars and a gutted deer to get your mail.
You go to a class reunion and all five of you are related.
Your family tree doesn't branch.
You apply for a home improvement loan to buy a new topper for your pickup truck.
If you think Old Yeller is a movie about your brother's teeth.
You've ever worn your feed hat to a wedding.
Your wife has to shave more than you do.
If you've got a green neck from wearing your fine jewelry.
You have a gun rack on your riding lawn mower.
Your driving school consisted of Dukes of Hazzard re-runs and a demolition derby.
You show the officer your belt buckle when he asks for identification.
You and the game warden are on a first name basis.
Your garage looks better than your house.
Your idea of a first date is a monster truck rally.
You ever stood in line to have your picture taken with a freak of nature.
You have more money between your couch cushions than in your wallet.
Your clothes are older than you.
You have a home that's mobile and 14 cars that aren't.
You would give up your house instead of our boat.
The only 4.0 you got was on a breathalyzer test.
If you have one or more deerblinds in your front yard.
You use more duct tape than common sense.
You prefer Monday Night wrestling to Seinfeld.
You read all these Redneck jokes as bedtime stories.
You slash open boxes of cereal with a knife because you consider yourself a serial killer.
Your wife counts a hammer among her cooking utensils.
Your 2 year old has more teeth than you do.
Your house has taillights but your car doesn't.
"Over Thar" is part of your vocabulary.
You and your dog share the same name.
The dash of your car has more carpet on it than your entire house.
Your family tree consists of you and your dog.
Your favorite comedian is Jeff Foxworthy.
Your house is on wheels and your car isn't.
Your dad walks you to school because you're in the same grade.
Your wallet and your dog are both on a chain.
Your dog weighs more than you do.
You know all the stock car driver's numbers by heart.
You rotate your tires more often than you take a bath.
You yelled, "Rock the house Bubba" at a piano recital.
You think harass is two words.
After 20 years of marriage you find out your wife is your cousin.
You take notes while watching The Three Stooges.
Your new car is a John Deere.
You go to the city dump and leave with more than you took.
While raking leave you fall out of the tree.
Your truck is higher than your house.
You think Fast Food is hitting a deer at 60 mph.
You go ice fishing and you bring back 200 pounds of ice.
You have a Waffle House credit card. Birds are attracted to your beard.
You go to a family reunion to meet women.
You're not actually able to read The Richard Petty Story, but you sure do like to look at
the pictures.
You are offended by these jokes.
The three little words you say to your wife are GIMME A BEER.
Your grandmother has ever been kicked out of Bingo Night because of her language.
You win the lottery and buy a NEW doublewide to live in.
You think a quarterback is a refund.
You were born on a pool table.
Truck drivers tell your mom to watch her language.
Your porch falls off and more than two dogs die.
Your living room wall has the flood history.
You get detention in school for catching a bigger fish than the principal catches on the
day you both skipped.
You consider Rambo a classic.
You think, "Gentlemen, Start Your Engines" is part of the National Anthem.
The word NASCAR appeared anywhere in your wedding vows.
At home you have to wipe your feet to go outside.
You have to take your house to the body shop after a hailstorm.
If your vehicle has a nickname that ends with "Lou".
If you spend more at Christmas on your huntin' dog than your family.
Your family tree doesn't You trip over the cord of a cordless phone.
You go to a wedding and everyone sits on the same side of the church.
The employees of the local Wal Mart know you by name.
Your tan line starts at your eyebrows and ends at your shirt collar.
Your Lazy Boy has a gun rack mounted on it.
You've been married 3 times and still have the same in-laws.
Your house has no curtains but your truck does.
Calling your closest neighbor on the phone is long distance.
You went to a huntin' camp on your honeymoon.
You told your wife to move over in bed so the dog can have more room.
Hitting an animal with your truck means getting a new coat.
When asked your tooth color on a application, you state "Not Applicable".
You ever held a family reunion in jail.
You have legally changed your name to "Current Resident" in a sorry attempt to
get more mail.
You prefer calling your sister Hun.
If the garbage men don't know what to take or what to leave.
If you believe God looks a lot like Hank Williams, Jr.
You bought a VCR because wrestling was on while you were at work.
Your house pets include any form of livestock.
You consider a night at the rodeo a romantic evening.
Your blood alcohol level is higher than your IQ
Your wife has a beard and you don't.
You leave pickled eggs and beer for Santa.
Your bridal registry was the local bait shop.
Your spare tire is a cement block.
Your truck has curtains but your trailer doesn't.
You identify with the Beverly Hillbillies before they struck oil.
Your coon dog was the "Best Man" at your wedding.
You're not sure of the true color of your pickup.
Your kid's first words were paper or plastic.
All your new appliances are your neighbors old ones. T
There are more than four cats living in your garage.
Your mamma carries a wrench and a comb in her back pocket.
Your mamma has more chest and underarm hair than your father.
You put your empties through the cylinder holes in your coffee table.
You try to hit road signs with empty beer bottles.
You put your pocketknife and key ring on opposite sides of your belt to balance yourself.
You've never slept with your boots off.
You go turkey hunting for hat decorations.
Your car stereo is worth more than the car it is installed in.
You purposed marriage to you best gal by painting the "Big Question" on a
overpass.
You know more that 10 slang words for "breast."
You serve macaroni and cheese at a formal dinner.
You ever stripped or jumped out of a cake at a relative's bachelor party.
Your wife receives a discount from Mary Kay for buying in bulk.
You refuse to throw out your leisure suit, because you still insist that lime green is not
a fad color and polyester when always be "in."
You think that a spatula is a bone you broke playing high school football.
Your definition of homestead is the first trailer that was parked on your family lot.
Your wife sends you out for formula and you come home with a jug of moonshine.
You are still making payments to the body shop for your last home improvement.
You try to kill a bird by throwing it off a cliff.
You own a pair of cut-offs made from double-knit pants.
You've never seen a film with subtitles.
You must go through more than two gates to get to your house.
You think the ultimate beauty treatment is using Preparation-H to prevent wrinkles.
Your yard has more than 10 ceramic figurines.
You've ever been hunting on a tractor.
Your handkerchief doubles as your shirt sleeve.
You're a member of the "Chaw of the Month Club."
You've ever gotten into a fist fight over a bowling score.
Your sister is the third generation of women in your family to conceive a baby due to an
alien abduction.
Your best sofa came out of a Chevrolet.
Your primary income involves pigs or manure.
You've ever been to drunk to milk a cow.
You have more electronic equipment in your truck than in your house.
You wear knee-high stockings with a skirt.
You follow the tractor pull circuit.
Your sewage system consists of a pipe down a hillside.
Your mother's only shoes are her house slippers.
The last time you saw your daddy outside, he was picking up trash, chained to three other
guys.
You have ever made a frog-gigging spear.
You help booby trap your family's marijuana crop.
You won't stop at a rest area if you have an empty beer can in the car.
You've ever talked back to characters on the movie screen.
You have to go outside to get something out of the fridge.
Your daddy's legacy is a gun rack and Jerry Clower's autograph on a Stucky's napkin.
Your tires are worth more than your truck.
Your spare tire is a cement block.
You use Armor-All on your leather jacket.
You own a denim leisure suit.
Your coat of arms features a tire iron.
You've ever towed another car using panty hose and duct tape.
Getting a package from your post office requires a full tank of gas in the truck.
You've ever laid rubber while traveling in a funeral procession.
Your kids trip over the Christmas lights while hunting for Easter eggs.
Your kids hide the Easter eggs under cow patties.
You think beef jerky and Moonpies are two of the major food groups.
You bought your best pair of shoes off the impulse rack by the register.
You tried to claim "loss of teeth" as an exemption on your taxes.
You have a sign on your front door explaining house rules and liability.
Jack Daniel makes your list of most admired people.
You and six of your neighbors split the cable bill.
You take out a home improvement loan to buy a new camper shell.
People can't recognize your car without a dead animal on the hood.
Your mailbox holds up one end of your clothesline.
You've ever had to appear in court because of your dogs.
The front license plate of your care has the words "Foxy Lady" written in
airbrush.
Any of your honeymoon plans involve a deer camp.
All your favorite shirts came with a two-pack purchase of cigarettes.
You have a hook in your shower to hang your hat on.
You have ever tried to use food stamps to mail a watermelon.
You own more than three shirts with the sleeves cut off.
You ever get dog hair from your belly button.
You ever go clothes shopping in a goodwill box.
You ever go through the laundry milk crate for clean/dirty socks.
You have ever injured yourself lighting farts.
You've ever used your underwear for toilet paper.
You've ever driven your tractor to the bar because you were too drunk to drive your car.
You've ever used 40 weight to shine your boots.
You consider your wife's tattoos moving pictures.
You've ever coveted your neighbor's wife and she's your sister.
Your eye color on your driver's license in red.
You judge how long a trip will take by how much beer to bring.
You ring your shotgun to school so you car hunt at recess.
You think beer guzzling should be an Olympic sport.
You have 50 keys on your belt and only five locks you need to open.
Your grandmother can out-drink, out-spit, and out-cuss you and all your friends.
Your idea of a luxury sedan includes running boards, a bug deflector, and an extended cab.
You have a kill switch on your car and you use it every day.
Your best pair of shoes is a pair of work boots with holes in it.
You've ever spent a Sunday afternoon shooting mice out of your kitchen cabinet.
You refer to your beer gut as "the old tool shed."
You've ever tried to put M&M's in alphabetical order.
You've ever stolen a Neighborhood Watch sign to put in your yard.
Your boots cost more than your wedding ring.
You've ever vacationed in a rest area.
You've ever cut your grass and found a car.
Your stereo speakers used to belong to the Moonlight Drive-in Theater.
Your boat has not left the drive-way in 15 years.
You own a homemade fur coat.
Chiggers are included on your list of top five hygiene concerns.
You read the Auto Trader with a highlight pen.
The Salvation Army declines your mattress.
Someone asks, "Where's your bowling bag?" and you answer, "She's at home
with the kids."
You've ever given rat traps as gifts.
Every socket in your house breaks a fire code.
There has ever been crime-scene tape on your bathroom door.
Your kids take a siphon hose to "Show and Tell."
The dog catcher calls for a backup unit when visiting your house.
You've ever bought a used cap.
You think a hot tub is a stolen bathroom fixture.
People hear your car a long time before they see it.
You think a turtleneck is the key ingredient for soup.
You know how many bales of hay your car will hold.
Your dog has a litter of puppies on the living room floor and nobody notices.
You've ever been kicked out of the KKK for being a bigot.
You see no need to stop at rest stops because you have an empty milk jug in the car.
You have a rag for a gas cap.
You ever hit on somebody in a VD clinic.
After the Prom you drove the truck while your date hit road signs with beer bottles.
All of your four letter words are two syllables.
You cut your toenails in front of company.
You've ever heard a sheep bleat and had romantic thoughts.
Your house doesn't have curtains but your truck does.
You wonder how service stations keep their restrooms so clean.
You think Campho-Phenique is a miracle drug.
You actually know which kind of leaves make the best substitute for toilet paper.
If your biggest decision when going on vacation is to use paper or plastic.
You think that the Styrofoam cooler is the greatest invention of all time.
You had to remove a toothpick for wedding pictures.
You've ever used a weedeater indoors.
Your lifetime goal is to own a fireworks stand.
Your kids are going hungry tonight because you just had to have those Yosemite Sam
mudflaps.
You have lost at least one tooth opening a beer bottle.
You need an estimate from your barber before you get a haircut.
You have flowers planted in a bathroom appliance in your front yard.
You take your dog for a walk and you both use the same tree.
You sit on your roof Christmas Eve with a shotgun hoping to fill your deer quota for the
year.
You think that your sister is not your sister anymore just because you get a divorce.
You always thought "Guns and Roses" was something you get for your anniversary.
You've ever vacationed in a rest area.
You proposed in a Denny's.
The passengers enter your vehicle through the driver's-side door.
You had to hitchhike on your honeymoon.
You think "Chablis" is the name of last months Playboy centerfold.
You save cooking grease in a coffee can.
You inherited a Styrofoam cooler.
There's no cutoff age for sleeping with your parents.
Your doghouse and your living room both have the same shag carpet.
You think fast food is hitting a deer at 65 mph.
You've ever had to move a car seat to make love.
You think a stock tip is advice on worming' your hogs.
Your favorite restaurant has a gas pump in front of it.
You don't have a home phone.
You think "Ross Perot" is how your cousin Ross got out of jail early.
You think "trash TV" is something in your back yard.
Stealing road signs is a family outing.
You think a woman who is "out of your league" bowls on a different night.
You've ever changed the numbers on your house so the police can't find you.
Your bathroom deodorizer is a box of kitchen matches.
An expired license plate means another decoration for your living room wall.
You think "megabytes" means a good day fishing.
You've ever picked up a woman in a convenience store.
Your deer stand has an address.
You have more things with Hank Williams Jr.'s name on them than your own.
You think a lavatory is a breed of dog.
You've ever taken a date flowers you stole from a cemetery.
You've ever relieved yourself from a moving vehicle.
You use old auto parts as a boat anchor.
Your pickup truck and wife are the same age.
Your favorite cologne is Deep Woods Off.
You've ever given livestock as a wedding present.
You think safe sex means putting on the emergency brake.
People hear your car a long time before they see it.
Your 23-channel CB radio is used to communicate with your family.
Your bridal veil was made of window screen.
You call your boss, "dude."
You repaint your pink flamingo every spring... but not your house.
You have ever carried leftovers home in your handbag.
You think an oil change involves a comb and bottle of Vitalis.
You whistle to get the attention of your waiter or waitress.
Your college graduation ceremony includes parallel parking an 18-wheeler.
You think ribs come from Europe.
Your toothbrush is a hand-me-down.
The nearest liquor store is brewing in your basement.
Your Friday nights consist of lots of Budweiser and a mechanical bull.
You have used a potato peeler to remove a corn.
The Marlboro man is your idol.
You see a sign that says, "dip in road" and you stop to see what flavor it is.
You think a canopy goes under the bed instead of over it.
You've ever had a conversation about truck tires that lasted more than an hour.
You've ever fished from over a fence.
You have ever taken lawn furniture to a drive-in.
Your state senator is willingly photographed with no shirt and a leather vest on a Harley,
but refuses to take a Breathalyzer test.
You think virgin wool comes from ugly sheep.
You keep catfish in your aquarium.
You think truffles are a brand of potato chips.
You've ever bought a used cap.
You know all the verses to the "Hee Haw" song.
You currently drive a car with "In Tow" painted across the back.
Your dog has puppies on the living room floor and nobody notices.
You think wild turkey should be the national bird.
Your truck sits so high that you can see in a second floor window.
You brag that you can chug a beer in three seconds instead of five because of the new
wide-mouth cans.
You name the pick of the litter after your wife to show your affection.
Normal people have Kodak™ moments but you have Kodiak™ moments.
You consider the tractor your 'good' car.
You leave the dumpster with more stuff than you came with.
You ever went to Walmart to freshen up for a date.
You got cable just for TNN.
After dinner you have Pixy Sticks and the height of the evening is comparing tongue
colors.
Speling ant tha eazist thang you evar tryed.
You find automatic transmissions confusing.
You refer to an armadillo as a possum in a half shell.
Being designated driver means you're limited to a six pack.
You snorkel in a waterbed.
You have more gas than your car.
The U.S. Government declares your back yard a national wildlife sanctuary.
You are afraid to let your four year old daughter talk to the priest.
You have more hair on your back than on your head.
You have baby ostriches living on your back porch.
Your wife needs to stand on a plastic five gallon bucket to get into the truck.
Your shirts are "3X-Large" but should be "5X-Large."
Your good furniture is just some old seats from a van.
You wonder why the feed you just put out for your animals keeps disappearing.
You shave your cat to put hair on your head.
You take your newborn to the grocery store to be weighed on the produce scale.
You use your bowling bag as a suitcase.
Your cabinet doubles as a guest room.
Your girlfriend lives with her other boyfriend.
You need a bank loan to finance your next hunting trip.
Your idea of an open air cruise involves circling the pizza place with your top down.
Every time you break up with your girlfriend you get to sort out the gifts you gave her,
after taking them off the hood of your pick up.
You think NASCAR is better than sex.
The kids at school know your dad by his CB Handle rather than his name.
You spend more than two hours at the local garage drinking coffee.
If your mower has more miles than your car.
Your car breaks down on the side of the road and you never go back to get it.
Your greatest accomplishment is the 10-pound turnip you grew.
Any of your hobbies require dogs and a lantern.
You think people who have electricity are uppity.
You know how to milk a goat.
You've ever committed a crime with a lawn mower.
Your best friends are named Skeeter and Possum.
You've ever hollered, "You kids quit playing on that sheet metal."
Your idea of water conservation is moving your Saturday night bath to every other Saturday
night.
You idea of a summer vacation is running through a sprinkler in the front yard.
You've ever named a child for a good dog.
There are four pairs of pants and two squirrels hanging from your clothesline.
Your local newspaper has a front-page feature called "Cow of the Week."
You don't need a clean shirt to go to work.
You bum a dip from your mother.
You have the entire WWF slurpie cup collection proudly displayed on a shelf in your
trailer.
Your favorite mixed drink includes Yoo-Hoo.
You think "Hooked on Phonics" is a fishing show.
You've ever attended a dance at the bus station.
Your guest bedroom is also your tool shed.
You spend 3 days in line for Reba tickets.
You can't keep your cats out of your car at night because the interior smells like fried
chicken.
You think French onion dip is an exotic tobacco product.
You drive more than 30 miles to save money on a pack of cigarettes.
You spend most of your time in the Laundromat so you can watch TV.
Grass is growing in the floorboards of your car.
The highlight of your day is finding the prize in a Cracker Jack box.
The auto junkyard calls you to get spare parts.
You own a flamingo with buckshot holes in it.
Your third-grade class had a no-smoking section.
Your wife left you for last year's winner of the hog-calling contest.
Your flashlight holds more than 4 batteries.
It took the smartest kid in your 6th-grade class 3 times to pass his driving test.
You cut your wedding cake with a chain saw.
You cut your toenails in front of company.
Your wife has a beer belly and you find it attractive.
You ask for the honeymoon suite at the Motel 6.
You hear a siren and your first instinct is to hide.
You use a bedsheet as a sofa cover.
You use the shaving cream made for tough beards...and so does your husband.
You regularly see kinfolks on "America's Most Wanted."
You refuse to slide in softball because you don't want to crush your cigarettes.
The emergency room nurse knows everyone in your family by name.
Your car has more than two exhaust pipes.
People come to your door mistakenly thinking you have an auto salvage business.
Your house plants aren't in pots.
You wear a tank top to your mother's funeral.
Your front yard looks like Toys R Us after a tornado.
You think a chain saw is a musical instrument.
Everything you won at the fair is hanging from your rearview mirror.
You've ever accepted an invitation written on a bathroom wall.
Making beer is a neighborhood project.
You've ever gotten into a fist fight in a Laundromat over a dryer.
There is a restraining order on your pets.
You secretly get your firewood from your neighbor's yard.
Your best jacket has an advertisement on the back of it.
Your car insurance deductible is higher than the value of your car.
Your 5-year-old can rebuild a carburetor.
You take a nap with at least one hand tucked inside your pants.
In preparation for your upcoming wedding, you register your Tupperware pattern.
You consider tattooing a do-it-yourself job.
One of your fantasies involves a bulldozer.
You are famous for your impression of a dog choking on a chicken bone.
You were expelled from summer school.
You've ever been asked for your autograph at a rattlesnake roundup.
You attend a parent-teacher conference wearing flip-flops.
Your baby's crib mobile is made out of beer cans.
You've ever been asked to leave Shoney's all-you-can-eat breakfast.
Your wife's best shoes have steel toes.
Your picture is on the wall of more than 3 bait stores.
Your favorite NASCAR souvenir is the result of a wreck.
You buy a police scanner to keep up with your relatives.
You've ever used a laundromat as a mailing address.
You have a grave in your front yard.
You've ever stolen toilet paper.
You think the theory of relativity has something to do with inbreeding.
Your deceased hunting dog's tombstone is larger than your grandfather's.
You wake up in the morning already dressed for work.
You think the police can't see you because your truck is painted camouflage.
Your car ashtray is so packed, you can't get it out.
You think a hot tub is a stolen bathroom fixture.
You're driving a vehicle with no original body parts.
You quit your job because deer season's fixin' to start.
Your most expensive shoes have numbers on the heels.
You punish your children by taking away their chewing tobacco.
You use the "O" on the stop sign in front of your house to sight your new rifle.
You've ever gotten carbon monoxide poisoning while driving your vehicle.
You screen door has no screen.
You open beer bottles with your belt buckle.
You've ever filled your deer tag on a golf course.
There is a trophy in your house with the word "spitting" on it.
You've ever shot someone over a mall parking space.
Your church has a "happy hour."
Your family reunion is sponsored by a beer company.
The receptionist is responsible for checking the rat raps at your place of business.
There are more dishes in your sink than in your cabinets.
You think every bottle of wine comes with a screw cap.
You wear your softball uniform even on the days you're not playing.
Your pickup truck used to be a car.
Your favorite fishing lure is TNT.
Your dates regularly expect you to light their cigars.
You stockpile pork and beans.
Your daddy handed out cigarettes the day you were born.
You spit on your own floor.
You use baling wire to keep your car door closed.
Your mom is lighting bottle rockets with her cigarette while walking the children on
Halloween.
You've ever lost your wife in a game of poker.
Your house feels a bit lonely when winter comes and the last fly dies.
You send your kid in for treatment because you think he's hooked on phonics.
Email: gasp23@hotmail.com
