Updated For November 2, 1999
School Board Election.

By John J. Alquist

Meet Our Superintendent,
Dr. Alfred E. Neumann, B.A., M.A., Ph.D.

No matter what Judge Potter says, our goal is to have a $ 1.0 billion budget by the Year 2002 and to become the nation's premier urbanized, integrated dysfunctional educational dinosaur--characterized by infinite amounts of diversity, equity and social engineering.

Meet Our Top Two 1999 Graduates,
Bobby Beavis and Barry Butthead.

Messrs. Beavis and Butthead are the System's only two high school students reading above the third grade level.

Mr. Beavis won a full, all expense paid scholarship to Central Piedmont Community College. He will major in public speaking.

Mr. Butthead will matriculate as a Caucasian affirmative action minority next year at Johnson C. Smith University's Minority, Diversity and Social Sensitivities Studies Program.

Meet Our Director of Sex Education,
William Jefferson Blythe Clinton,
An Experienced Pro from Arkansas

A nationally-acclaimed instructor in casual cunnilingus, Mr. Clinton directs the entire curriculum of the CMS sex education program.

"I believe that my proven methods will drastically cut teenage pregnancy. Oral sex achieves this objective somehow," Mr. Clinton declares.

His cirriculum is entitled " Have 37 Times More Fun Using The Monica Lewinsky Method."

Meet Dr. Joycelyn Elders,
Famous Pediatrician and
Our Distinguished Director of
Teen Maternity Centers

Every "chile" should be a wanted "chile." That's why we have a maternity center in every school.

These day care centers provide the babies of our students with free Clinton-Care healthcare.

This leaves the 12 year old moms free to pursue difficult and challenging courses in Home Economics, Band, Art Appreciation, and Afro-Centric Studies.

Math is included in Afro-Centric Studies, since ancient Greeks stole the concepts of geometry and algebra and other advanced math from African tribal chiefs years and years ago. All math is African in its origin.

We don't teach English or Western Civilization any more. We teach Ebonics, using music videos, and Black History as part of our Afro-Centric Studies Program.

Our students no longer take SAT's or any other outside tests, as these tests are racist, sexist and homophobic.

Meet Ellen Degeneres,
Our Head of
Guidance Counseling,
Lesbiansim and
Trans-Gender Studies

Ms. Degeneres, a well known lesbian and former TV star, is Head of Our Guidance Counseling Program.

"We know that every girl is a latent lesbian and each boy is a hapless homosexual, "she explains.

"With the proper counseling, each child can reach his or her correct sexual orientation, rather than just getting ensnared in the disgusting heterosexual lifestyles imposed by the Religious Right."

Chicago Fast Food Icon
Ronald McDonald Joins CMS
Responsible for Food Service.

Ronald McDonald oversees the kitchens and cafeterias of the CMS system. It is his responsibility to increase the saturated fat content of foods served, as well as boosting sugar consumption by the students, so that CMS can meet its targets for children diagnosed with ADD and cardiovascular diseases.

Children with ADD and early cardiovascular disease are counted as "disabled" under the Americans With Disabilties Act, meaning that the more disabled children CMS can classify, the greater the available funding from the federal government and the more likely CMS can obtain more grants.

Just as every middle and high school has a full-time police officer on premises, if Mr. McDonald meets his objective of causing one student heart attack per month per school, CMS will qualify for a special subsidized program to buy defillibrators for each school and have its own paramedic on staff, too.

Keep up the good work, Ron. Get those obese, out-of-shape kids even fatter, slower, sicker and lazier than ever before. Show me the grant money, Ron!

Hey, Kids, Barney's
Just Retired From CMS.
He's Was In Charge
Of Pupil Assignment And
Forced Busing Operations.

Barney tried to make all of us happy with forced busing. So, parents and kids, never forget Barney's favorite pro-busing song:

"If you're happy and you know it, ride our bus; if you're happy and you know it, ride our bus; if you're happy and you know then you're face will surely show it; if you're happy and you know it ride our bus."

When your kids got off the bus after a long ride, they would sing this old time favorite:

"School days, school days; good old golden rule days; stabbings and beatings by great big thugs; cocaine and cig'rettes and other drugs."

Barney's retirement is not final, however. The National Association of Liberal Colored People filed an appeal, as has the Charlotte-Mecklenburg School Board, seeking to overturn or modify Judge Potter's recent decision.

"If Judge Potter's ruling overturned or modified, I'll be back," Barney vows.

Hi, Boys and Girls,
It's Harvey Gantt,
Our New Chief Financial Officer.

Your parents remember Harvey Gantt, boys and girls. Harvey's the man pictured on the right with John J. Alquist, the writer of this website and 1985 School Board candidate.

Harvey's really smart and well educated, since he never attended any CMS schools. John never attended a CMS school, either. That's why he can write and above the third grade level.

Harvey's a "world class" guy. Now that we have a "world class" $ 1.0 billion budget, we need a man like Harvey to "invest" the money quickly and generously.

While Mayor of Charlotte, Harvey loved tax increases and talked incessantly about "alternative revenues." There's no better man available to lavishly squander your tax money on world class pipe dreams than Harvey Gantt.

Now Meet Rodney King,
And O.J. Simpson,
Two New Associate Superintendents
For The CMS Government Schools

Rodney King joins CMS after a difficult, challenging ordeal, being systematically harassed for many years by the Los Angeles Police Department, the same notorious LAPD that tried to frame O.J Simpson.

King, as you may remember, was beaten by LAPD officers, and this was recorded on videotape, sparking riots and looting in Los Angeles.

Rodney won a federal lawsuit against the cops. Rodney got the victory; the lawyers got most of the money.

Rodney also has numerous arrests for drunk driving, drug dealing and woman beating. But Rodney really believes that the "poe-leeeeese" in LA are just out to get him. So he moved to Charlotte.

At CMS, Rodney King is now responsible for Driver Education, and he teaches courses entitled "Retail Drug Sales For Fun And Profit," and "Instant Supression of Rowdy Women".

O.J. Simpson joins CMS as systemwide Athletic Director. He is recruiting an Associate Athletic Director, seeking a well-ripped (muscles, we mean) pretty young blond Caucasian woman. Go, Juice. Don't squeeze too hard!!! Find a lady who's a cut above.

He will also be teaching various self defense martial arts classes to help macho CMS boys repel aggressive, agitated girls and marginally masculine nerdy male students.

See This Crybaby Get Happy Fast, Kids.

He didn't stop crying just because the drug dealer drove up to deliver his stuff. He's got a different kind of high, which is why is starts to clap and get happy.

You see, he's just learned that he's going to private school and he's free from the CMS system. No wonder he stopped crying. You would, too, if you were leaving the CMS system.

Rich kids go to private schools. Poor kids just drop out of CMS. Either way, they get out of CMS for good.

Meet Arthur Griffin, Jr.
School Board Chairman

Arthur is a classic civil rights dinosaur--a throwback to 1950's and 1960's when Negroes demanded their right to be treated as humans by sitting in at Woolworth lunch counters and similar tactics.

Growing up in a Center City Charlotte Negro neigborhood, and resenting segregated schools, and strongly distrustful of all Caucasians, poor Arthur is still hypersensitive and totally obsessed with race. Get over it, guy!!!

He's served on the School Board for over a decade. He has been chairman for a few years. During his time of service, the schools have been chasing equity, diversity and social engineering--mainly busing. As a result, the CMS system has gone steadily down hill. It's tanked; it's in the educational toilet.

When asking Arthur why the schools aren't any better due to his stellar leadership, listen for another unveiling of the famous "doofus defense," weeping over too small budgets, and claims of not enough time to make progress.

No, folks, Arthur is not a standup comedian. He really means it. He's that detached from reality !!!

Griffin needs to be replaced simply because he's failed to run the schools well. He needs to hand over his seat to a Board member who will pursue reading, writing and arithmetic--rather than diversity, equity and social engineering.

You can expect loud, vocal Negro pressure organizations to strongly support Griffin's re-election--simply because he is a high profile Negro and because he faithfully follows failed, outdated civil rights doctrines from the 1950's.

These organizations include the Black Political Caucus and the Negro newspaper, "The Charlotte Post." Don't be fooled by their bellowing of strident, stern socialist rhetoric.

Remember, Arthur is the guy who failed to educate your children, then spent over $ 3.0 million of your tax money for legal fees trying to defend the failed forced busing status quo.

He now refuses to go along with the U.S. District Court Order, and he is compelling you to squander hundreds of thousands more of your tax dollars on a useless appeal to the U.S. Court of Appeals--useless because the appeals justices in Richmond are very conservative and likeminded with Judge Potter.

Meet Wilhemenia Rembert. She was appointed recently to School Board to replace left-leaning Susan Burgess, a hot tub aficiando trying to reenter the hot swirling waters of local politics via a City Council race.

Hey, Susan, stay submerged in your hot tub. We'll call you, if we need you. But don't hold your breath waiting.

Back to the School Board. Having Wilhemenia on the School Board is like having two Arthur Griffins. Who says cloning is impossible?

She pursues Arthur Griffin's emphasis on equity, diversity and social engineering over reading, writing and arithmetic every time.

She's never been elected to the Board. Let's make sure that she never is. Let's make sure that when you replace Arthur Griffin at the polls, you oust Wilhemenia as well.

If both of them are voted out, rational new Board Members--favoring the radical concept of teaching reading, writing and arithmetic in the nearest neighborhood school--can be elected.

Working with the only three existing sensible Members on the Board, two new Board members could form a five person majority (five of nine seats) to restore our schools and stop robbing our children of a decent education. THIS MUST BE DONE.

Folks, you really must vote in the November School Board election. You can be sure that professional race hustlers will turn out a huge vote from the Negro voting precints to maintain the status quo--more liberalism, more Arthur, more Wilhemenia, even more decline of the schools, distraction with racial politics, and perpetuation of the "doofus" management style of the system.

We've had 20 to 30 years of this ridiculous nonsense with our schools. They're a disgrace and a failure. If ever it was time for a change, it's now. Vote !!! Vote!!! Send Arthur Griffin back to being a paralegal, which he does well. Send Wilhemenia back to academia.

Now Meet John J. Alquist,
Author of This Site.

Thank you for visiting this site. This website is, of course, an exercise in political satire. It is in no way a formal communications statement of the Charlotte-Mecklenburg School System.

This website has a serious purpose: convincing you, the voter, to march to the polls and get rid of Arthur Griffin and Wilhemenia Rembert, replacing them with rational people willing to restore our schools, bury racial politics, and save our children from pernicious liberalism of CMS.

I've illustrated with gentle humor the absolute absurdity of allowing the inept, liberal secular humanistic values, held by a majority of the existing School Board, to be perpetuated any longer. I've reduced this situation to absurdity to illustrate a point.

I know that many of you will find this website funny, and tell your friends to visit this website.

Others--petulant, humorless liberals and moribund educrats--will get sulk and snivel, telling their left-leaning friends (Jerry Klein and the other 38 remaining liberals in Charlotte).

Because I've spoofed prominent Negroes and a lesbian, don't pout and sulk and call me a racist or homophobe.

I'm not racist at all. I have no fear (phobia) of homosexuals. In satire, nobody escapes getting roasted to make points and communicate concepts. I'm an equal opportunity roaster.

Only the poorly-educated take satire literally. Satire lampoons people and ideas, not races and sexual orientations. Lighten up !!! If I have offended you with this satirical website, get over it.

Why Do You Use
The Term "Negro?"

People often ask me why I use the term "Negro." After all, it is politically correct (at least for the time being) to use the term "African-American."

I use terms Negro and Caucasian because these terms are correct descriptions in anthropology for these groupings of people.

As I was growing up, Negro leaders themselves used the term "Negro," including Martin Luther King, Jr. And so did liberal icon President Kennedy.

In Latin, the root word for "Negro" simply means black. That's where the word came from. There is nothing negative inherently in that word, and it is the most accurate term to use.

During my lifetime, some of the dubious black leaders have, for reasons of political correctness, renamed the group "black," and more recently, "African-American." These name changes were for purposes of political correctness, and I do not worship at the altar of political correctness.

As mentioned earlier, "black" is the English translation of "Negro." Hence, renaming Negroes as "blacks" is pointless semantically.

The renaming of "blacks" into "African- Americans" is even more absurd. There are neither hyphenated American citizenships nor hyphenated American citizens.

My ancestors came from Ireland and Sweden, but I am simply an "American," not an "Irish-American" or "Swedish-American." Our Negro brothers and sisters in this country are simply Americans.

Negroes in American are not African in any sense. As a former executive of a global banking organization, I traveled to Africa, including the Republic of South Africa.

In this country, I have friends who are real Africans, over here working or as students. I can assure you that American Negroes have nothing in common with true Africans. Hence, I reject the view that American Negroes are "African" anything.

This group properly should be called "Negroes," and that should not changed periodically for purposes of political correctness.

Exclusive Report Of "Debate"
By School Board Candidates
October 14, 1999 in Matthews

John J. Alquist began his career as a fearless newspaper reporter. So he covered the debate of School Board at large candidates held at Butler High School in Matthews.

Here's his exclusive report. Hardly any citizens showed up to hear the incumbents or learn first hand about the challengers. Discussion was painfully polite, although many questions from the audience were rather pointed.

Both candidates Rembert and Griffin whined about their experience in segregated schools. This traumatic experience still drives both of them, making them obsessed with race and desirous of settling the segregation score. Frankly, to me, their comments were just a manifestation of their incurable Negro racism.

Both were unrepentant about busing, diversity and the decision to appeal Judge Potter's decision.

I believe that both should be replaced--with Mr. Garveau and Mr. Haisley, a CPA. The former is a successful business executive and was a Plaintiff in the recent Court case. The latter is a serious and articulate CPA.

Both men have strong, resolute character. They will restore common sense to the choatic spectacle caused by Griffin and Rembert.

Let's Hear From You

If you want to blast me or praise me, please e-mail me at lousyschools@yahoo.com.

My wife and I own and operate a business consulting firm, Alquist Enterprises, as well as an Internet consultancy and business website creation firm, WebsiteXpress.

If you need our professional services, or want to discuss them, please visit our business website at: www.tell-it-well.comand then e-mail us.