People who whine and pout about receiving "spam" on the Internet are intellectually bankrupt. They are Chapter 7 mental bankruptcies--that is, "no assets" above their shoulders.

While their prissy posturing and haughty indignation are comical, their real problems are these: substandard levels of literacy, dreadfully slow reading speeds (too low to comprehend anything) --as well as a chronic failure to find and use the "Delete" key on their computer keyboards.

"Spam" whiners are simple minded. Like most other lemmings, they have accepted anti-spam beliefs uncritically, although these views are fully foolish, patently untrue, and demonstrably incorrect.

First, they decide to believe in a false concept called "solicited advertising," a classic oxymoron. All advertising, including business direct mail on the Internet or Publisher's Clearing House stuff from old Ben Franklin's Post Office, is both unsolicited and intrusive by its very nature.

Second, shrill anti-spammers simply repeat the old, tired advertising industry arguments. You see, newspaper, magazine, radio and TV advertisers have badmouthed postal direct mail for years because of its diversion of advertising dollars from them to far more and more productive direct mail, deriding this form of marketing communications as "junk mail."

These mailings are not "junk mail" at all. These items are very profitable for the United States Postal Service, having been presorted, and such mail accounts for billions of dollars or product and service sales, and these mailings help subsidize first class mail.

The Internet's For Business--
Not A Cyber La La Land

Anti-spammers believe--wrongly, of course--that the Internet is not a place for commercial business. Instead, they view the Internet as a digital La La Land--a playful Peter Pan (never grow up) place of information, coolness, and hipness. Everything is--or should be--free, they think. Let Santa Claus pay for the Internet.

The Internet is viewed also like a Ben and Jerry's socialist do-gooders paradise. It should be lofty, loony and leftist. Of course, in such a pure and pristine environment there is no place for commercialism (ugh) or spam (double ugh).

Grow up, you clowns! The Internet is the biggest commercial carnival of all time. It is the best flea market of all time. If you don't like the commercialism and spam here, go back to the free love and peace movement of the late 1960's and 1970's.

Go find your old rusty Volkswagen bus with the dirty, faded, K-Mart window cutains, the peace symbols, and the other treasonous grafitti. Drop out. Go back on pot and acid. Read alternative newspapers proclaiming the glory of Woodstock. But please, leave the Internet.

Anti-spam whiners are poor students of American History-- not understanding that our First Amendment guarantees freedom of speech, and our political system promotes life, liberty and the pursuit of happiness. There is no higher pursuit of happiness than sending and receiving "spam" on the Internet.

Without spam, how else could I learn to make $12,000 a day part time on a $49.95 one-time investment? How could I find out how to get 1.0 million website hits per hour, if I buy a "search engine secret"report for $499?

Without spam, how could I ever get a United Nations driver's license or buy Viagra on-line?

Would you anti-spammies deprive me of such important and life-changing information?

Hopefully, now you can see that it is a terrible thing to be a spam hater--you are no more than a intellectually bankrupt, left-wing lunatic, who is an anti-commercial, marginally-literate, slow-reading, low comprehending dolt with an un-American disdain for the First Amendment.

Moreover, you have been duped into taking part in a war between various kinds of advertisers duking it out for the same dollars. And your unkind "flames" to spammers lack Christian charity and simple graciousness. They also lack any mental rigor.

Spam Hating Is Offensive
To My Southern Heritage

After 22 years here in the South, I am an adopted son of the Old South--not the "New South" of leased BMW's, cigar smoking yuppies, and quiche-eating effeminate banker boys who wear cologne and earrings.

Jeff Foxworthy,
Our Patron Saint,
In The Old South

Jeff Foxworthy is our patron saint. We are high class rednecks and proud of it. In the Old South, cigarette smoking is a sacrament (even to non-smokers like me). And owning a pick-up truck jacked up 20 feet above the road level is proof-positive of a high testosterone level.

Charlotte, North Carolina, I am proud to report, leads the nation in per person Spam consumption. Spam, an exotic gourmet delicacy, is a canned meat sold only in the finest supermarkets and five star restaurants like Fat Willie's Hog House.

Therefore, any attack on Spam, be it gourmet meat or Internet commerical direct mail, is an attack on all of us Southerners from the Old South. These attacks make me mad enough to wave my Confederate Flag in the faces of anti-spam wimps.

People must understand that it is politically incorrect to attack people because of the regions they live. After all, when was the last time you ever heard a Old South resident attack an obnoxious Yankee? Why, I have never heard of such a thing.

Hating Spam Is Offensive
To Vegetarians Everywhere

Of course, vegetarians do not eat Spam or any other meat. But they take offense when their carnivorous brethern are insulted for eating that fine gourment meat, Spam, or receiving meaty e-mail messages, also called spam. Don't you anti-spammies realize how hurtful all anti-spam remarks are?

And vegetarians look forward to food manufacturers--as well as the new Cyberfoods Division of Microsoft--producing soy-based Spamburgers--with that great, mouth-watering gourmet taste of Spam, but without any of the dastardly meat molecules. When these products are introduced, announcements will be made by millions and millions of e-mail spams, right?

Males who eat heavy amounts of meat ingest too much estrogen from the deceased cows. Male meat eaters breasts enlarge, they start acting effeminate, their testosterone levels decline, and they only need to shave once a week. They also get flustered and flighty when receiving more than three "spams" on the Internet.

Heavy meating men become henpecked and submit to their dominatrix wives and destroy their homes in the process. Too much estrogen diminishes real men. But there are no reported cases in the medical literature of a man meat eater having a menstrual cycle or menopause. But just give it time.

Not only does all of this bovine estrogen cause cows to gain weight, resulting in higher prices at the slaughterhouse, but it is also part of a feminist plot, hatched by another group of bovines, the National Organization of Women, known in the Old South as Lesbians Anonymous, to chemically castrate men by poisoning them with animal estrogen and then taking over the world. Sorry, sisters, your plot's been exposed.

It is not politically correct to attack vegetarians for any reason--either in their diets or for using "spam" on the Internet. Hey, how's that for logic?

How To Be Delivered From
Hating Internet Spam

First, you must learn to read quickly so that you can read everything that comes your way in split seconds--just like I do. I have been a speed reader for 35 years, thanks to President Kennedy's fine example and Evelyn Wood's Reading dynamics courses.

I realize that many of you are visual learners and read poorly. But get over it. How? Don't use your fingers when you read--and don't mutter with you lips or read out loud. Put your hands on your pockets and zip your lips when you read. Constantly practice reading faster--until you can read 2,000 words per minute, minimum, just like me.

Second, you must realize that anti-spam attacks come from envious advertisers losing advertising dollars to direct mail media, and from anti-spam zealots (previously-described) and also from certain Internet providers hurting from high e-mail volumes.

We agree with these providers that it is unneeded and harmful to in discriminately and mindlessly send millions of millions of e-mails which are totally untargeted. But the real blame is for not charging the market value of such mega-mailings to the mailers.

In the non-cyber world, when postage rates go up, mailings get more targeted. The same economic phenomenon must happen on-line. Mega-mailers need to pay appropriate "postage" in some form on the Internet.

You must also confess your anti-spam feelings as sins and as a horrible personal bondage spiritually. You may delivered by reciting the Spammer's Prayer below (with apologies to Dr Suess, green eggs and ham, and Sam-I-Am). Then you will enjoy the liberty and joy of spamming on the Internet.

The Spammer's Prayer

That Spam-I-Am,
That Spam-I-Am,
I do not like that Spam-I-Am.


Do you like e-mails and spam?
I do not like them, Spam-I-Am.
I do not like e-mails and spam.


You don't like them,
So you say.
Try them! Try them!
Try them and you may, I say.


"Spam!"
If you will let me be,
I will try them, you will see.


Say!
I love e-mails and spam.
I do. I like them. Spam-I-Am.


I do so like e-mails and spam.
Thank you.
Thank you.
Spam-I-Am.

About The Creator of This Website

This truly outstanding website was created an offered to people worldwide and "Weekly World News" readers throughout the universe by John J. Alquist, owner of Alquist Enterprises, and co-owner of WebsiteXpress. That's me, folks--a professional public speaker, business consultant, website creator and Founder of First Internet Christian Church.

Visit our Alquist Enterprises website at: Alquist Enterprises.

As a former corporate marketing executive, I loved direct mail marketing, and I am enthused to see that my favorite form of advertising and marketing has moved on to the Internet.

Since I was astonished to hear whiners snivel about spam on the Internet, I have created this outstanding web page to deflate the rhetorical balloons of anti-spam blowhards worldwide.

If you send our e-mail on the Internet and some creature with a pea-sized brain whines about receiving spam, please direct him to this web page to correct his or her thinking. Maybe the Spammer's Prayer will help him or her.

Please be kind enough to send the person a present to show your love--either a fruitcake or a can of nuts, something truly appropriate. And, of course, immediately remove his/her name from your mailing list, as you never want to reason with the same watermelon more than once.

How To Contact Us

Just e-mail me at john@tell-it-well.com to tell me how this web page has changed your life or otherwise corrected errors in your thinking--liberating you mind, soul, spirit and body from the distressing and debilitating hatred of commercial e-mail.

If you do not agree with us, that's OK. As David Brinkley says, "everyone is entitled to my opinion." As a Christian, I love everyone, even if you have gross mental errors about the majesty of Internet spam.

Don't write me some long anti-spam tirade. My sides will hurt just from laughing at your nonsense. Besides, I am cute and adorable, as my picture shows. Why send a nasty letter to such sweet guy?

Elvis Is Alive and Other Modern Truths

Of course, Elvis is alive and well. Not the ice skater. Not the football quarterback. It's the real Elvis, the Memphis musician with a rotator cuff for a pelvis.

But as "The Weekly World News" has shown, he faked his own death to elude fans and fame. He is now fat and suffering severe male pattern baldness, as any 65 year old man might.

I ran into him recently at Shoney's in Charlotte. I was all shook up to see him there. But I wish he had brought Ann Margaret along.

You must rely on the "Weekly World News" to find out what's really going on. All other tabloids are just made up lies. The newsmagines are merely leftist house organs.

Remember, there's no greater pursuit of life, liberty or happiness than sending spam on the Internet. Send some spam today!!!

WebsiteXpress,Our Website Creation Firm

Alquist Enterprises, Public Speaking and Consulting

First Internet Christian Church