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Aries
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Leo
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Sagittarius
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Taurus |
Virgo |
Capricorn |
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Gemini |
Libra |
Aquarius |
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Cancer |
Scorpio |
Pisces |
Aries is the first sign of the zodiac. Aries
are action oriented people.
Aries is symbolized by the ram, so naturally
Aries condoms are made from
the finest lambskin. Because Aries often exhibits
a "get up and go"
attitude, Aries condoms are steel belted,
feature racing stripes, and every
fully equipped sports car dispenses them.
Onyx packaging is optional for
the black sheep. Aries prides themselves on
being first and best. Aries
condoms are perfect for quickies. When you
want what you want when you want
it, you want an Aries condom.
ARIES WOMEN: Wildly sensual, passionate and
adventurous. You'll have
sex anywhere, you know what you want - intense
and frequent sex, you
have a need for complete control, but you're
also in love with love. As
a mate, you are ardent, loyal, sentimental,
and earthly. Biggest thrill
- the tickle of a man's facial fuzz.
ARIES MEN: Sleeping with him is like playing
croquet with live bombs -
you never know what is going to happen! Never
expect him to wait for
you to be ready - he will rip your clothes
off if he is ready to go.
Don't tease him or you'd better be ready to
deliver. Fond of slave
master games and he likes it rough. Aries
men are also explorers, so be
ready to go where no woman has gone before.
His favourite position: a
woman on her knees leaning forward.
You tend to be headstrong and deliberate in
your actions.
Basically you don't give a fuck about anyone.
Most people hate you but you couldn't care
less.
You're the type of person who would masturbate
at a wedding.
Taurus is perhaps the most sensual and economy
minded of the astrological
signs. Taurus condoms are made from the most
luxurious materials with
special models available in silk and velvet.
Taurus condoms give you
quality at an affordable price, and they're
frequently on sale. Taurians
may be slow to make their minds, but once
they've made a decision, they're
almost impossible to stop. When your love
is a sure thing, you want a
Taurus condom. The bull symbolizes Taurus.
Taurus condoms are the ones you
want when you're really horny.
TAURUS WOMEN: You expect your man to be kind
and patient and make love
to you by the book. Like to be pleased by
sex, but don't look for
unusual approaches. But you are a demanding
lover and leave your
partner breathless. You have a need for oral
gratification, both giving
and receiving. Best sex mates: Cancer, Sagittarius,
Scorpio, and Leo.
Most likely kink: sucking on your toes, one
by one. You also like
biting...hmmm!
TAURUS MEN: He is the ideal lover - sensitive
and understanding of his
partner's feelings. He prefers it slow and
easy; he won't be your guide
to the exotic unknown, but what he does, he
does beautifully. This is
the guy to go for long and luxurious oral
sex. Stamina? This man could
wear down a glacier! His erogenous zone: gently
and slowly kiss and
bite the back of his neck.
Warm and caring are your most endearing characteristics.
You get on well with most people because you're
bisexual.
You hardly ever wear underwear and you constantly
smell of piss.
Geminis are known for their versatility, intellect
and communications
skills. Accordingly, Gemini condoms accommodate
a variety of sexual
positions and combinations. Gemini condoms
are sold in multi-packs and
come with a special audio chip. Naturally,
they're available through mail
order. Frequently, Gemini condoms sell two
for the price of one. They
always come in special pop up dispensers so
that you don't have to work too
hard. Gemini is the sign of the twins and
Gemini condoms come in twin
packs and are the preferred model for double
headers. When you need to do
it more than once, you need Gemini condoms.
GEMINI WOMEN: Often the aggressor; you are
never embarrassed by your
behaviour because you never adhere to any
standards except your own.
Your main requirement: a lover who knows how
to take his time. You are
a one woman harem, but a partner should be
aware that in a relationship,
the gemini woman is looking for a combination
of the spiritual and the
physical, the romantic and the practical.
You want to talk to the guy
after you tumble with him! Best sex mates
are Leo, Scorpio, Aquarians,
Libra, and Aries. Favourite gadget: the vibrator.
GEMINI MEN: He likes it with the lights on
in front of a mirror. He
can work any partner into the mood because
he knows exactly how to evoke
the right responses. Oral sex isn't his favourite
pastime, but will
take his time with the other preliminaries.
Tends to be fast and
furious, more concerned with satisfying himself
than his partner, but
he is more than adequate in areas of lovemaking
that are often neglected
by other men. He can tell a woman exactly
what she wants to hear. His
erogenous zone: move your lips and tongue
lightly up his arm.
Your star sign denotes an air of duality in
your character.
Simply, you're a neurotic schizophrenic.
A real fucking weirdo, the type of person
who'd kill themself to win a bet.
Cancer is a water sign and as such is very
much interested in safety and
tradition. Therefore, Cancer condoms are waterproof
and heat treated for
hot tubs and natural springs. Cancer condoms
make you feel secure. Cancer
is also the sign of motherhood. With Cancer
condoms, if you decide to
become a parent, you can always return the
unused portion for a partial
refund. Cancer condoms are clingy. Never has
history known a time when
Cancer condoms were not available. Fine antique
specimens grace many
collections. Astrologically speaking, Cancer
is associated with the
breasts. The makers of Cancer condoms are
happy to sponsor the annual
spring "Breast Worship Rituals." Cancer condoms
are freely dispensed to
beautiful, large breasted women. Cancer is
symbolized by the crab. When
you're not getting enough love and are starting
to feel crabby, reach for a
Cancer condom.
CANCER WOMEN: Will never make the first move,
but you can be a
marvellous lover for you are capable of intense
sensuality. You will
reciprocate passion with a fervor that will
stir his heart and stimulate
him to his best performance. On your own time,
you have a fondness for
masturbation. Your favourite position: lying
prone while your man
enters you from behind. Best sex mates: Taurus,
Leo, Virgo, Scorpio,
and Pisces. You may become a slave to sexual
pleasure!
CANCER MEN: His most surprising technique:
intercourse with no hands.
He has a need for constant encouragement and
if gotten, he will be a
delightful swain. Both patient and aggressive,
he will often begin
somewhere other than bad: likes being in command,
and is a master at
manual clitoral manipulation! You'll like
the trip as it as much
travelling to a place as it is arriving.
You have a business like attitude to life and
a knack for making money.
You're an unscrupulous bastard who would sell
relative's limbs to buy a mobile phone.
You are likely to be murdered.
Leos are known for their passion, pride, and
(pro)creative urges. Leos tend
to be a bit flashy, showy and original in
and out of bed. Leo condoms come
in gold foil packaging with custom monogramming.
Leo condoms come in one
size: extra, extra large. Leo is symbolized
by the lion. When you're ready
to meet your mate and make wild jungle noises,
you're ready for a Leo condom.
LEO WOMEN: Sleek, lascivious, enticing and
lazy! Whatever Leo wants,
Leo gets! Intensely responsive and there are
bed partners who have
scars to prove it. Your need to show off leads
you to prefer the top
where he can look up and admire the beauty
of your body. Best sex
mates: Libra, Scorpio, Saggitarius, Aries.
Your sexual wardrobe: full
of wispy cut-out bras and panties!
LEO MEN: Simply brushes aside rules and conventions.
One important
rule to remember about him: NEVER tease. His
endurance is remarkable
and he has a great appetite for making love.
He likes women in the
submissive position and oral sex is okay when
he is on the receiving
end. He likes a woman to show how much she
is enjoying it. His
erogenous zone: his back is particularly vulnerable.
The adventurous type, always looking for thrills
and willing to try anything.
In other words, stupid.
You have the IQ of a garden snail and will
never amount to anything.
Most Leos are living on welfare.
Virgos are fussy and particular. Virgo condoms
feature perfection of fit
and they keep you neat and clean. Virgos tend
to be environmentally sound
consumer types. Naturally, Virgo condoms have
the lowest failure rate, the
highest performance rating and come equipped
with a detailed, all purpose
instruction manual. Virgo is symbolized by
the virgin. When you're ready
for some ritualized defloweration activities,
you're ready for a Virgo condom.
VIRGO WOMEN: You have no illusions about sex
and wish everyone would
stop magnifying its importance. Prefer men
who will wait for the
relationship to develop to the point where
sex
is inevitable. You love
mutual masturbation and enjoy a little punishment,
and your grace and
modesty is a great turn on. You become an
artist at pleasing your
lover. Favourite kink: can't truly enjoy it
unless a third party is
present. Best sex mates: Gemini, Cancer and
Aquarians.
VIRGO MEN: Too shy to make an overture, but
when the moment arrives,
you had better be prepared for him to bring
his pajamas, shaving
equipment, and toothbrush. He likes to talk
about how you like it and
having talked about it, he will key in on
the right erotic response.
Don't expect imagination, but he is a hard
worker and is open to
suggestion. His secret life: can be obsessed
with pornography.
Erogenous zones: his buttocks.
You like the good things in life and you know
how to enjoy them.
But you're prone to bullshitting and you're
a cheap bastard.
Virgo men are usually queers and the majority
of Virgo women are whores.
Libras are suave and anxious to please others.
Libra condoms are the fancy
European models and come in fashionable hand-painted
designer packaging.
Libra condoms make for an elegant accessory
on the best dates. Libra
condoms are aesthetically pleasing to both
partners. They are reversible
and can turn into a diaphragm thus sharing
the responsibilities. Libra is
symbolized by the scales. When sex weighs
heavily on your mind, you want a
Libra condom.
LIBRA WOMEN: Drama is the key word - you set
the stage for sex.
Intensely feminine and an instinctive exhibitionist.
You feel your body
was made to be seen and admired. Feel that
seduction is an art, not an
assault. When approached the right way, you
find it easy to say yes to
almost anything. Unusual control of vaginal
muscles. Best sex mates:
Aries, Gemini, Leo, Scorpio, Saggitarius,
and Aquarius. Like any
position where your buttocks are exposed.
LIBRA MEN: Looks for the whole experience,
not just a tumble between
the sheets. Has a definite kinky side, a voyeur
and fond of the menage
a trois. He has the patience needed to satisfy.
He like women who
dress well and have long hair. If a woman's
clothes look as though they
are easily removed, he finds her hard to ignore.
Erogenous zone: back
and buttocks, especially the feel of erect
nipples against either of
them.
You are the forgiving type and you don't bear
grudges.
This makes you an asshole.
For your entire life people will make a complete
prick out of you.
Nobody will go to your funeral.
Scorpio condoms outsell all others. That's
probably because people try to
impress each other with their sexual prowess
by pretending that they're a
Scorpio. The truth is that no right thinking
Scorpio would get caught dead
wearing a condom. But then death doesn't scare
a Scorpio. And a Scorpio
doesn't get caught. Scorpio condoms come in
two editions, basic black and
the stealthy invisible model. Both leather
and studs are optional. Also,
because propriety concerns Scorpio, each package
of Scorpio condoms comes
with a pre-printed, pre-coital agreement.
Symbolized by the venomous
Scorpion, when you really want to sting your
lover, you want a Scorpio condom.
SCORPIO WOMEN: Inquisitive, searching and experimental.
Knows that
eroticism consists of more than the physical
act of lovemaking. While
looking like a perfect lady in public, you
dress and act like a whore in
the bedroom. Control of the orgasm is very
important and will try
anything to help your man maintain his potency.
You never take no for
answer and when interested in someone, you
will pursue him with
determination and guile. Best sex mates: Gemini,
Cancer, Scorpio and
Pisces. Props you love: scented body oils,
flavoured lubricating gels,
and vibrators.
SCORPIO MEN: A lustful, sexy animal. Enjoys
biting and sucking and is
a master of oral sex. Inflicting pain turns
him on so he may pinch at
nipples or the inside of thighs. Likes it
in water, but his kink is
that the prefers wood tables and hard floors
to satin and silk. His
erogenous zone is his genitalia.
You are sharp, a quick thinker and good at
puzzles.
However these are your only good traits.
You screw small animals and love picking your
nose.
You always have snot on your clothes.
Sagittarians are known for their worldly pursuits,
gamesmanship,
cosmopolitan attitude and knack for doing
things in a big way. Sagittarian
condoms are the sportier models. They come
equipped with travel cases.
Sagittarian condoms are the ones that go with
you and grow with you. They
promise a lot and they are extra thick to
protect against fluids of a
dubious nature. The archer symbolizes Sagittarius.
When you want to be on
target with Cupid's arrows, you want a Sagittarius
condom.
SAGITTARIUS WOMEN: You like the outdoors -
freaking out if you are in a
tent, camper, or on the beach. You enjoy sex,
but you don't like to
prolong the preliminaries and want to start
the main show as soon as
possible. Like to tease your partner to the
point of losing control.
You don't mind if your partner comes too quickly
- you are a generous
and accepting lover. Best sex mates: Leo,
Libra, and Aquarius. Your
sexual wardrobe will consist of accessories
- gloves and shoes!
SAGITTARIUS MEN: Sex is rarely an intense experience
with him - he
often comes too quickly, but he'll be the
first to try a new position.
He is the master of erotic massage - both
oral and manual. His tongue
can be a wicked instrument and when combined
with his lips, creates an
explosive effect! Erogenous zones: hips and
thighs. And he likes to
look at a woman's calves and thighs, and likes
to have sex with a woman
in stockings.
You are the romantic type, soft-hearted and
a lover of the arts.
You are likely to import Dutch pornography
and sex toys.
You thrive on incest.
Capricorns are known for their longevity, wisdom,
practicality, ambition
and earthy sensuality. Capricorns tend to
be on the conservative side.
Capricorn condoms are the most durable, having
the longest shelf life.
Capricorn condoms are extra strong to last
extra long. With Capricorn
condoms, wing tips, pin stripes and brief
cases are optional. Be sure to
shake them out from time to time, otherwise
they go stale. Capricorn is the
sign of the mountain goat. When you're horny
enough to climb the mountains
of love, you want a Capricorn condom.
CAPRICORN WOMEN: Don't need much foreplay -
you go straight from zero
to WOW in nothing flat! Not interested in
exotic variation; only
staying in power. Since you like to dominate,
you like to be astride
your man, set a rhythym, and please yourself.
Once into a rhythym,
lovemaking becomes a wild contest with orgasm
as the prize and you can
depend on getting here more than once. Also
a scratcher and screamer.
Best sex mates: Taurus, Scorpio and Pisces.
CAPRICORN MEN: Sex evokes the best he can offer.
He is a planner and a
schemer (that is schemer, not a screamer!).
Prefers a woman who knows
what he enjoys, and he expects her to be willing
and ready whenever he
wants her. Has the stamina of a marathon runner.
Here is the man who
will hold off until you are ready to scream!
Erogenous zone: a massage
that starts at the lower back and gently strokes
upward along the sides
of his spine.
You are deep and personal in your thoughts,
the quiet type.
A mean self-centred cunt and a closet Homosexual.
Your best friend is probably an altar boy.
Aquarians are gregarious, yet aloof. Aquarius
is a high energy sign, and
one that is usually politically correct. Aquarian
condoms are just a little
bit kinky. They come colored hot pink and
electric blue, and they come with
a battery pack to light up in the dark and
French ticklers for extra
stimulation. With Aquarius condoms, the packaging
features political
slogans such as the MiXXe Maxim, "Things can
change overnight; it depends
upon how late you stay up and with whom doing
what." Since Aquarius is a
social sign, Aquarian condoms come in multi-packs
and are detachable to
share with your friends. Aquarius is the sign
of the water bearer. When
your love juices really get to flowing, you
want an Aquarius condom.
AQUARIUS WOMEN: A slow starter, you idealise
love and encompass it with
tenderness. Once aroused though, anything
goes! Extremely imaginative
and likes to try new things. There is nothing
in any sex manual that
you won't try. Belief that anything that increases
the pleasure for
your partner is worthwhile. Best sex mates:
Arie, Gemini, Libra,
Sagittarius and Aquarius. Favourite sex position:
standing up, and in
water.
AQUARIUS MEN: Never treats a woman like a sex
object and prefers a
variety of foreplay before getting down to
it. May have to be revved
up, but once his engine is started, he is
free and inventive with
amazing persistance. He will always see you
through to climax. A woman
that knows what she wants will be very happy.
He usually ensures an
orgasm twice - once orally and once genitally.
Erogenous zones: gently
touching the calves and ankles will get him
going. Be careful though -
a kinky Aquarian can be a sadist who doesn't
like to be denied!
You are the academic type and will probably
end up working in the legal system.
This means you are an absolute pervert, at
the least a transvestite.
Your ideal sexual partner is a Labrador puppy
wearing fishnet tights.
Pisces is known for their deep feelings that
somewhat border on mysticism.
Pisces are idealistic, sometimes to the point
of ecstatic bliss. Pisces
condoms are truly extra sensitive and translucent.
Little spikes are
optional on the inside. Pisces condoms contain
special instructions for
erotic fantasy games. Pisces is the sign of
the fishes. When it smells
like love and you're on a seafood diet, you
want a Pisces condom.
PISCES WOMEN: Always make the right moves,
say the right things, and
create the right ambiance. You aresexually
liberated and enjoy a wide
range of eroticism. If his fantasies coincide
with yours, the action can
really get torrid! You seldom say no to anything
your lover suggests!
Favourite places: in a waterbed or hot tub.
Best sex mates: Cancer,
Scorpio, Capricorn, Pisces.
PISCES MEN: Takes the lead in lovemaking and
impatient if he doesn't
get a swift response. Indifferent to sexual
restrictions, both moral and
legal; prefers a parnter with a tremendous
sexual craving. Likes sex in
a chair. He likes to be submissive. Becomes
an addict to anything that
will give pleasure and release. Erogenous
zones: massaging and
caressing his feet.
You are the eternal optimist, seeing the best
of any situation.
You have no grasp of reality and live in a
dream world.
Most people consider you to be the greatest
living moron.
You will continually fail. You're a prick.
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