Why are Santa's sacks so big?
Cause he only comes once a year
Why A Christmas Tree Is Better Than A Woman
10. A Christmas tree doesn't care how many other Christmas trees
you have had in the past.
9. Christmas trees don't get mad if you use exotic electrical
devices.
8. A Christmas tree doesn't care if you have an artificial one in
the closet.
7. A Christmas tree doesn't get mad if you break one of its
balls.
6. You can feel a Christmas tree before you take it home.
5. A Christmas tree doesn't get mad if you look up underneath it.
4. When you are done with a Christmas tree you can throw it on
the curb and have it hauled away.
3. A Christmas tree doesn't get jealous around other Christmas
trees.
2. A Christmas tree doesn't care if you watch football all day.
1. A Christmas tree doesn't get mad if you tie it up and throw it
in the back of your pickup truck.
Two friends were discussing what they should get their wives for
Christmas.
The first one said he was going to get her a Mercedes and a
diamond ring.
When asked by his friend why he was getting her those two gifts
he stated, "If
she doesn't like the ring, she can drive to the jeweler and
return it." The
second friend then said he was getting his wife a pair of
slippers and a
dildo. His friend asked him why he was getting her those
presents. He
replied, "Well, first I got her the slippers; and then I got
her the dildo..
so if she doesn't like the slippers, she can go fuck
herself."
12 DAYS OF CHRISTMAS
14th December
~~~~~~~~~~~~~
My Dearest Darling John,
I went to the door today and the postman delivered a partridge in
a pear
tree. What a delightful gift. Thank you darling for the lovely
thought.
Your ever loving, Agnes.
15th December
~~~~~~~~~~~~~
My Dearest John,
Today the postman brought two very sweet turtle doves. I am
delighted.
They are adorable.
All my love forever, Agnes.
16th December
~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Dearest John,
Oh how extravagant you are. I really must protest. I don't
deserve such
generosity. Three French hens. I insist you are too kind.
Your ever loving, Agnes.
17th December
~~~~~~~~~~~~~
What can I say. Four calling birds arrived this morning with the
postman.
Your kindness is too much.
Love Agnes.
18th December
~~~~~~~~~~~~~
My Dearest John,
What a surprise! Today the postman delivered five gold rings. One
for
each finger. You really are an impossible boy, but I love you.
But
frankly, all the birds are beginning to squawk and get on my
nerves.
Your ever loving Agnes.
19th December
~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Dear John,
When I opened the door this morning there were actually six
bloody great
geese laying eggs all over my front step. What on earth do you
think I
can do with them all? The neighbours are beginning to smell them
and I
cannot sleep.
Please stop. Yours, Agnes.
20th December
~~~~~~~~~~~~~
John,
What is it with you and these birds? Now I get seven swans a
swanning. Is
it some sort of joke? The house is full of bird shit and it is
not funny
anymore. Stop sending bloody birds.
Yours Agnes.
21st December
~~~~~~~~~~~~~
OK Buster,
I think I prefer the birds. What the hell am I going to do with
eight
maids a milking? It's enough with all these birds and now I have
eight
cows shitting all over the house and mooing all night.
Lay off, Agnes.
22nd December
~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Look craphead,
What are you, some kind of a nut? Now I have nine pipers playing
and
Christ do they play. When they're not playing their sodding pipes
they
are screwing the maids. The cows are treading all over the bloody
birds
and the neighbours are threatening to get me evicted.
Get knotted, Agnes.
23rd December
~~~~~~~~~~~~~
You Rotten Bastard,
Now I have ten ladies dancing. How on earth you can call these
whores
"ladies" is beyond me. They are blowing the pipers all
night long, the
cows can't sleep and have diarrhoea. My living room is a sea of
shit and
the landlord has just declared the building unfit for human
habitation.
Piss off, Agnes.
24th December
~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Listen Shithead,
What with eleven lords leaping all over the maids and me, I shall
never
walk again. The pipers are fighting the lords for the crumpet and
committing sodomy with the cows. The birds are all dead and
rotting
having been trampled on during the orgy. I hope you are satisfied
you
bastard.
Your sworn enemy, Agnes.
25th December
~~~~~~~~~~~~~
You Stinking Lousy Bastard,
Twelve drummers have teamed up with the pipers in making one hell
of a
din. Both have begun buggering the lords as well as the cows and
Christ
knows what has happened to the milk-maids. They've probably
drowned in the
cow shit by now. The only way I have saved myself from being
fucked to
death is by hiding up that sodding pear tree which has been so
well
fertilised by shit that it's grown through the bloody roof.
FUCK OFF AND DIE, Agnes
26th December
~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Grabbit & Run
Solicitors
26 December
Dear Sir,
We are in receipt of your gift of the 25th instant of twelve
Fiddlers Fiddling with themselves. We understand this is
merely the latest infliction in your sustained persecution of our
client, Miss Agnes Fullbody, who is at present residing in
the Happy Hours Nursing Home.
We are under instruction to charge you with the destruction of
our client's home, sanity and genitalia. You are warned
not to attempt to contact Miss Fullbody, who has given the
Nursing Home staff instructions to shoot you on sight. A
warrant has been issued for your arrest and should be served
after you receive this letter. Please excuse the cowshit
thereupon.
Yours faithfully,
I.P. Standing
P.S. Merry Christmas
--- THE NIGHT BEFORE CHRISTMAS ---
'Twas the nocturnal segment of the diurnal period preceding the
annual yuletide celebration, and throughout our place of
residence,
kinetic activity was not in evidence among the possessors of this
potential, including that species of domestic rodent known as
Mus musculus. Hosiery was meticulously suspended from the forward
edge of the wood-burning caloric apparatus, pursuant to our
anticipatory
pleasure regarding an imminent visitation from an eccentric
philanthropist among whose folkloric appellations is the
honorific
title,of St. Nicholas.
The prepubescent siblings, comfortably ensconced in their
respective
accommodations of repose, were experiencing subconscious visual
hallucinations of variegated fruit confections moving
rhythmically
through their cerebra. My conjugal partner and I, attired in our
nocturnal cranial coverings, were about to take slumbrous
advantage
of the hibernal darkness when upon the avenaceous exterior
portion
of the grounds there ascended such a cacophony of dissonance that
I
felt compelled to arise with alacrity from my place of repose for
the purpose of ascertaining the precise source thereof.
Hastening to the casement, I forthwith opened the barriers
sealing the
fenestration, noting thereupon that the lunar brilliance without,
reflected as it was on the surface of a recent crystalline
aqueous
precipitation, might be said to rival that of the solar meridian
itself - thus permitting my incredulous optical sensor to peruse
a
miniature airborne runnered conveyance drawn by an octet of
diminutive
specimens of the genus Rangifer, piloted by a miniscule, aged
chauffeur
so ebullient and nimble that it became instantly apparent to me
that
he was indeed our anticipated caller. With his undulate motive
power
traveling at what may possibly have been more vertiginous
velocity
than patriotic alar predators, he vociferated loudly, expelled
breath
musically through contracted labia, and addressed each of the
octet
by his or her respective cognomen ... "Now Dasher, now
Dancer..." et al.
- guiding them to the uppermost exterior level of our abode,
through
which structure I could readily distinguish the concatenations of
each of the 32 cloven pedal extremities.
As I retracted my cranium from its erstwhile location, and was
performing a 180-degree pivot, our distinguished visitant
achieved
- with utmost celerity and via a downward leap - entry by way of
the
smoke passage. He was clad entirely in animal pelts soiled by the
ebon residue from the oxidations of carboniferous fuels which had
accumulated on the walls thereof. His resemblance to a street
vendor
I attributed largely to the plethora of assorted playthings which
he
bore dorsally in a commodious cloth receptacle.
His orbs were scintillant with reflected luminosity, while his
submaxillary dermal indentations gave every evidence of engaging
amiability. The capillaries of his molar regions and nasal
aptenance
were engorged with blood which suffused the subcutaneous layers,
the
former approximating the coloration of Albion's floral emblem,
the
latter that of the Prunus avium, or sweet cherry. His amusing
sub-
and supralabials resembled nothing so much as a common loop knot,
and their ambient hirstute facial adornment appeared like small,
tabular and columnar crystals of frozen water.
Clenched firmly between his incisors was a smokingpiece whose
gray
fumes, forming a tenuous ellipse about his occiput, were
suggestive
of a decorative seasonal circlet of holly. His visage was wider
than
it was high, and when he waxed audibly mirthful, his corpulent
abdominal region undulated in the manner of impectinated fruit
syrup in a hemispherical container.
Without utterance and with dispatch, he commenced filling the
aforementioned hosiery with articles of merchandise extracted
from
his aforementioned previously dorsally transported cloth
receptacle.
Upon completion of this task, he executed an abrupt about-face,
placed a single manual digit in lateral juxtaposition to his
olfactory
organ, inclined his cranium forward in a gesture of leave-taking,
and forthwith affected his egress by renegotiating (in reverse)
the
smoke passage. He then propelled himself in a short vector onto
his
conveyance, directed a musical expulsion of air through his
contracted
oral sphincter to the antlered quadrupeds of burden, and
proceeded
to soar aloft in a movement hitherto observable chiefly among the
seed-bearing portions of a common weed. But I overheard his
parting
exclamation, audible immediately prior to his vehiculation beyond
the limits of visibility: "Ecstatic yuletides to the
planetary
constituence, and to that self-same assemblage my sincerest
wishes for a salubriously beneficial and gratifyingly pleasurable
period between sunset and dawn."
IF COMPANIES RAN CHRISTMAS
If IBM ran Christmas...
They would want one big Santa, dressed in blue, where kids queue
up for
their present-processing. Receiving presents would take about
24-36
hours of mainframe processing time.
If Microsoft ran Christmas...
Each time you bought an ornament, you would have to buy a tree as
well.
You wouldn't have to take the tree, but you still have to pay for
it
anyway. Ornament/95 would weigh 1500 pounds (requiring a
reinforced
steel countertop tree), draw enough electricity to power a small
city,
take up 95% of the space in your living room, would claim to be
the
first ornament that uses the colors red/green together. It would
interrogate your other decorations to find out who made them.
Most
everyone would hate Microsoft ornaments, but nonetheless would
buy them
since most of the other tree types wouldn't work with their
hooks.
If Apple ran Christmas...
It would do everything the Microsoft ornaments do, but years
earlier,
and with a smaller mouse (not stirring of course).
If Silicon Graphics ran Christmas...
Ornaments would be priced slightly higher, but would hang on the
tree
remarkably quickly. Also the colors of the ornaments would be
prettier
than most all the others. Options would be available for
'equalization'
of color combinations on the tree.
If Dell ran Christmas...
Wait a minute? Isn't IBM running this Christmas..??
If Fisher Price ran Christmas...
"Baby's First Ornament" would have a hand-crank that
you turn to hang
the thing on the tree.
If The Rand Corporation ran Christmas...
The ornaments would be large perfectly smooth and seamless black
cubes.
Christmas morning there would be presents for everyone, but no
one would
know what they were. Their service department would have an
unlisted
phone number, and be located at the North Pole. Blueprints for
ornaments would be highly classified government documents.
X-Files
would have an episode about them.
If the NSA ran Christmas...
Your ornaments would have a secret trap door that only the NSA
could
access in case they needed to monitor your tree for reasons of
national
security.
If DEC ran Christmas...
We used to have Christmas back in the '70s, didn't we?
If Hewlett-Packard ran Christmas...
They would market the Reverse Polish Ornament, which is put in
your
attic on the weekend after Thanksgiving, and placed out for
viewing the
day after the January Bowl Games.
If Cray ran Christmas...
The holiday season would cost $16 million but would be celebrated
faster
than any other holiday during the year.
If Timex ran Christmas...
The holiday would be cheap, small, quartz-crystal driven, and
would let
you take a licking and keep on shopping.
If Radio Shack ran Christmas...
The staff would sell you ornaments, but not know anything about
them or
what they were for. Or you could buy parts to build your own
tree.
If K-Tel ran Christmas...
Ornaments would not be sold in stores, but when you purchased
some, they
would be accompanied by a free set of Ginsu knives.
It's a matter of my opinion that Yule love the game we're about
to play.
In each sentence below, fill in the blank or blanks with an
expression
commonly used at Christmastide. Answers repose at the end of this
column.
1. On December 24, Adam's wife was known as _____ _____.
2. In Charles Dickens's A Christmas Carol, Scrooge was visited by
the ghost
of _____ _____.
3. An opinion survey in Alaska is called a _____ _____.
4. What does Santa Claus do with his three gardens? _____, _____,
_____
5. What Christmas message is conveyed by these letters?:
ABCDEFGHIJKMNOPQRSTUVWXYZ
ABCDEFGHIJKMNOPQRSTUVWXYZ. _____, _____
6. When the salt and the pepper say "Hi!" to each
other, they are passing
on _____ _____.
7. A holy man bereft of change could be called _____ _____.
8. When you cross a sheep with a cicada, you get a _____ _____.
9. A quiet medieval armor-wearer is a _____ _____.
10. A cat walking on the desert is bound to get _____ _____.
11. People who tell jokes on December 25 might be called _____
_____.
12. An airplane disaster in Israel is a _____.
13. Actor O'Connor and actress Channing are known on December 25
as
_____ _____.
14. What do Spanish sheep says when they wish each other a Merry
Christmas?
_____ _____.
Meretricious to all! And don't forget that There's No Plate Like
Chrome
for the Hollandaise.
Answers
1. Christmas Eve
2. Christmas Present
3. North Poll
4. Hoe, hoe, hoe.
5. Noel, Noel (no l, no l)
6. seasons' greetings.
7. St. Nickleless.
8. Bah! (or Baa!) Humbug!
9. silent knight
10. sandy claws
11. Christmas cards
12. cresh
13. Christmas Carols
14. Fleece Navidad!
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