Why is a Laundromat a really bad place to pick up a woman?
Because a woman who can't even afford a washing machine will never be
able to support you.

Why do women have smaller feet than men?
So they can stand closer to the kitchen sink.

How do you know when a woman's about to say something smart?
When she starts her sentence with "A man once told me..."

How do you fix a woman's watch?
You don't, there's a clock on the oven!

Why do men pass gas more than women?
Because women won't shut up long enough to build up pressure.

Why were shopping carts invented?
To teach women to walk on their hind legs.

Women are like guns, keep one around long enough and you're going to
want to shoot it.

If your dog is barking at the back door and your wife is yelling at
the front door, who do you let in first?
The dog of course...at least he'll shut up after you let him in.

All wives are alike, but they have different faces so you can tell
them apart.

How many men does it take to open a beer?
None. It should be opened by the time she brings it.

What's worse than a Male Chauvinist Pig?
A woman that won't do what she's told.

I married Miss Right. I just didn't know her first name was Always.

I haven't spoken to my wife for 18 months
- I don't like to interrupt her.

What do you call a woman who has lost 95% of her intelligence?
Divorced.

Bigamy is having one wife too many.
Some say monogamy is the same.

Scientists have discovered a food that diminishes a woman's sex drive
by 90%...wedding cake.

Marriage is a 3 ring circus:
Engagement ring, wedding ring, and suffering.

WOMEN'S ENGLISH ....

Maybe = No
I'm sorry. = You'll be sorry.
We need = I want
It's your decision = The correct decision should be obvious by now.
Do what you want = You'll pay for this later.
We need to talk = I need to complain
Sure... go ahead = I don't want you to.
I'm not upset = Of course I'm upset, you moron!
You're ... so manly = You need a shave and you sweat a lot.
You're certainly attentive tonight = Is sex all you ever think about?
Be romantic, turn out the lights = I have flabby thighs.
This kitchen is so inconvenient = I want a new house.
I want new curtains = and carpeting, and furniture, and wallpaper.....
Hang the picture there = NO, I mean hang it there!
I heard a noise = I noticed you were almost asleep.
Do you love me? = I'm going to ask for something expensive.
How much do you love me? = I did something today you're really not going to like.
I'll be ready in a minute. = Kick off your shoes and find a good game on T.V.
Is my butt fat? = Tell me I'm beautiful.
You have to learn to communicate. = Just agree with me.
Are you listening to me!? = [Too late, you're dead.]
Was that the baby?= Why don't you get out of bed and walk him until he goes to sleep.
I'm not yelling! = Yes I am yelling because I think this is important.

22 REASONS WHY A BOTTLE OF BEER IS BETTER THAN A WOMAN

1) A Beer doesn't' get jealous when you grab another beer.
2) When you go to a bar, you know you can pick up a beer.
3) A beer won't get upset if you come home with a beer on your breath.
4) You don't have to wine and dine a beer.
5) If you pour a beer right, you will always get a good head.
6) You can get rid of a hang-over.
7) You can share a beer with your friends.
8) You don't have to wash your hands before a beer tastes good.
9) You know your always the first to pop a beer.
10) A beer always goes down on the first night.
11) A frigid beer is a good beer.
12) You can have more than one beer in a night and not feel guilty.
13) A beer never says no!
14) There's never a bad time of the month to have a beer.
15) When your finished with a beer the bottle is still worth 10p.
16) Beer Stains wash out.
17) You can enjoy a Beer all month long.
18) A beer will always wait patiently for you, in the car, while you play a sport.
19) A beer never gets a Headache.
20) A beer is always wet.
21) A beer doesn't demand quality.
22) A beer doesn't care when you come.

What women want in a relationship: A handsome, loving professional man who
will just love them for who they are.

What women get: A fat, balding fart machine who stays with them only because
no other woman wants him.

What men want in a woman: A combination of Carol Brady and Pamela Lee
Anderson; Wonderful Mom with big hooters and can suck the chrome off a flag-pole.

What men get: Someone who immediately begins to gain those 80 extra lbs the
moment after she says "I Do", beginning with the wedding cake!

What women want in bed: A passionate lover who takes the time to kiss and
gently caress, slowly building up to a wonderful joyous experience together.

What they get: "Wham-Bam-Thank-You Ma'am!", Belch, Fart, Zzzzzzzzzzzzzz

What men expect out of a marriage: 3 loving children who honour their parents.

What they get: 3 helions who are a combination of their parents every fault
and make their life a living hell.

1st anniversary card from husband to wife: "My sweet loving wife....I hope
this first year is a reflection of the next 60 years, you are my heart and
soul, I am forever yours."
 

5th anniversary card: "I love you so much honey...words cannot describe."

10th anniversary card: "Hey, how's it hangin'? Love Ya'!!"

15th anniversary card: "Ummmmmmmmm......'sup?"
16th anniversary card from wife to husband: "You are hereby summoned to
divorce proceedings..."

To the women of the world...

1) The floor is considered an acceptable clothing storage location.

2) Never ask me to purchase feminine products. Assume that I
will come home with the wrong thing.

3) When watching TV hugging is always fine because I can still
see the screen. Kissing should only be done during timeouts
and commercials. Questions should also be limited to this
period as you stand a much better chance of getting an
immediate response.

4) When we are watching your show and I change the channels
during a commercial do not hassle me that they are over to
change the channel back. I always know when the timing is
right. Also, when we are channel surfing do not ask me to go
back, there was a good reason why I skipped it.

5) If you need help with the laundry, I am more than willing to
carry it from the bedroom to the washer. In my mind this is
half the chore and I am now free to return to the couch.

6) If I mention that a male friend of mine is allowed to do
something it is not necessary for you to call his
wife/girlfriend to discuss it.

5) If you don't like the way I am driving close your eyes. And
I would appreciate it if you would refrain from making that
reverse inhaling alarmed noise. I haven't hit anything yet
and if I do it will be your fault.

6) I go clothes shopping to buy, never to look.

7) Just tell me what you want me to wear before I get dressed.
And remember that this takes me less than ten minutes no
matter what the occassion is. After all I am getting
dressed, not getting ready.

8) Don't ask me if I prefer one outfit over another or if a
certain accessory should be worn or not. I consider this a
no win situation and would rather just wait for you to get
dressed while watching TV.

9) If you want me to put the seat down when I am finished then
you should leave the seat up when you are finished. It's
only fair. And stop giving me a hard time about missing the
bowl. What do you expect from an organ that has a brain of its own?

10) I will cook anything as long as it is on the BBQ.

11) Yelling to me across the house sounds exactly like stadium
crowd background noise to me. I am not ignoring you.

For Women....

1. Take the batteries out of all the remotes in the house.
2. Organize his workshop, bedroom, or other special place.
3. Bribe his faithful dog away from him with a steady diet of HoHos.
4. Shrink his underwear in the dryer and when he complains, innocently
suggest that he's gained a few pounds.
5. Stare at his forehead and when he notices, casually ask if there is
any history of male pattern baldness on his mother's side.
6. "Accidentally" fill the gas tank of his new Porsche with diesel.
7. Loan his precious cellular phone to a pregnant girlfriend who "needs
it more than he does."
8. Insist upon a lot of "meaningful conversations."
9. If you live together, have your mother fly in for a month-long visit unannounced.
10. Give the secret stash of dirty magazines that he thinks you don't
know about to his younger brother.

For Men....

1. Call her by the dog's name and then deny it.
2. Answer all her questions with a question, preferably one on a totally
different subject.
3. Superglue the commode seat in the up position.
4. Shrink her jeans and when she overreacts because she thinks that she's
gaining weight, give her a condescending smile and say that you prefer
her with some meat on her bones.
5. Firmly refuse to ever ask for directions even if you find yourself in
Georgia when your original destination was California.
6. Call her by your mother's name and then deny it.
7. Buy her power tools for Valentine's Day.
8. Leave the newspaper open to an ad for plastic surgery.
9. Never give her a straight answer.
10. Answer every question with "Yes, dear." (Use with caution - PMS is a
valid murder defense in many states.)

IF WOMEN RULED THE WORLD...

Women with cold hands would give men prostate exams.

PMS would be a legitimate defense in court.

Men would get reputations for sleeping around.

Singles bars would have metal detectors to weed out men hiding wedding rings
in their pockets.

A man would no longer be considered a "good catch" simply because he is
breathing.

Fewer women would be dieting because their ideal weight standard would
increase by 40 pounds.

Shopping would be considered an aerobic activity

"Ms." Magazine would have an annual swimsuit issue featuring scantily clad male models.

Men would not be allowed to eat gas-producing foods within two hours of bedtime.

Men would be secretaries for female bosses, working twice as hard for none of the credit.

Little girls would read "Snow White and the Seven Hunks"

Men would earn 70 cents for every dollar women made.

Men would bring drinks, chips and dip to women watching soap operas.

Men would HAVE to get Playboy for the articles, because there would be no pictures.

Men would learn phrases like: "I'm sorry", "I love you", "You're
beautiful", "Of course you don't look fat in that outfit".

Men would be judged entirely by their looks, women by their accomplishments

Men would sit around and wonder what WE are thinking.

Men would pay as much attention to their woman as to their car.

All toilet seats would be nailed down.

Men would work on relationships as much as they work on their careers.

TV news segments on sports would never run longer than 1 minute.

All men would be forced to spend one month in a PMS simulator

During mid-life crisis, men would get hot-flashes and women would date 19 year olds

Overweight men would have their weight brought to their attention constantly.

After a baby is born, men would take a six-week paternity leave to wait on
their wives hand and foot.

For basic training, soldiers would have to take care of a two-year old for six weeks.

Age and Womanhood
-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-

1. Between the ages of 13 and 18, she is like Africa, virgin and unexplored.

2. Between the ages of 19 and 35, she is like Asia, hot and exotic.

3. Between the ages of 36 and 45, she is like America, fully explored
breathtakingly beautiful, and free with her resources.

4. Between the ages of 46 and 56, she is like Europe, exhausted but
still has points of interest.

5. After 56 she is like Australia, everybody knows it's down there,
but who gives a damn.

Age and Manhood
-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-

1. Between 16 and 26: Tri-weekly
2. Between 27 and 46: Try weekly
3. Over 47: Try weakly

How To Survive With Women: Treat Them Like Your Car.

Give it a regular, thorough going over.

Touch up the exterior.

Rub it down nicely.

Have a quick tinker with the underside.

Clean out the tubes.

Make sure it's waxed regularly.

Is it easy to turn on? Does it need manual crank starting? Or bump starting?

Ensure your stick is firm and is not jamming.

Change the lubrication.

Check for leaks.

Check the rubber is not wearing thin.

Keep an eye out for bald patches.

Lift up the front and have a long hard look.

Check the rear end is clean and tidy.

Check for spare tyre and any handles.

Keep an eye on fuel consumption.

Check the condition of the big end.

Make sure the top can come down and look good on hot, summer days.

Make sure you will not have to spend half your paycheck on accessories for it.

Are the bodywork and lines to your liking? Is the interior comfortable?

Ensure that it responds well to you when you're in the driving seat.

Make sure it's always clean inside.

Make sure that it will not require any extra/expert servicing.

Check all crevices, especially the box, for dust, dirt, or insect nests.

Have any cracks been inexpertly filled in the past?

Check the mileage and for any previous lady owners.

And that no animals have ever been inside.

Fit a child lock.

The younger the better.

Check that it will not break down on you with no warning.

Make sure any unusual noises can be safely ignored.

Does it drive well in reverse?

Ensure you can tune the radio in to the football.

Ensure you have sole ownership.

If possible, test drive several times before commiting to ownership.

Make sure that there is a proper response when you put your foot down, and
that it is easy to control.

Avoid models that stall during use.

Check the odo(ur)meter regularly.

Avoid completely blocking the air intake.

Take care not to allow too much steam or moisture to build up when away from home.

Keep locked in the garage when not in use.

Ensure any problems are clearly expressed on the facia.

Always go for a newer model, the antiques invariably back-fire after a servicing

Check for pulling attachments.

Security: ensure no Joy riders can get their hands on it.

If necessary, fit an alarm.

See if the coil needs replacing.

Take it for a good thrash around

Are you allowed to take passengers with this model?

Watch out for nasty emissions.

Keep all leather accessories in order.

If necessary, fit a silencer.

Or use the choke and throttle properly.

For your own safety, never attempt to handle when drunk.

Check the hooters. If necessary, give it the horn.

Verify that airbags come out when required. Fit extra padding if necessary.

NEVER let your friends have a go.

Never make the mistake of thinking that if you traded in your current model
you could get one like they have in specialist magazines.

Avoid taking it to the pub if you're drinking.

Long rides may be tiring, do not feel ashamed to stop, in the middle of it
and fall asleep.

It is preferable to get an automatic as this means less time with your
stick it your hand.

With a manual: to avoid unpleasant noises coming from it, avoid putting
your stick into it's reverse position whilst in motion.

It is useful to have more than one for different purposes.

German models tend to be solid, steady runners, not ideal for frequent,
brief usage.

Italian models are very responsive but change hands often (high mileage)
and often make worrying noises.

American models tend to consume excessive amounts of fuel.

Attractive British models are hard to find and expensive to maintain.

Swedish models are usually very versatile.

Japanese models are mass produced and reliable, but very common and often unattractive.

French models are easy to come by but frequently disappointing.

Avoid models that are a tight fit for you; equally, stay away from those
with very much more room space than needed.

Stay well clear of people carriers.

Executive models are hard to get going but once speed builds they don't
take kindly to suddenly stopping.

Be wary of fast models as they will probably have high mileage and
excessive amounts of wear in places.

The interior of ones which have been previously owned by old people will
have a smell you will never get rid of.

It is unwise to take your father's/big brother's/mate's out without permission.
 

Do not get too attached to ones you have to rent.
It is NEVER advisable to own a 'wide load' model.

Replace every year with a newer model.

Dictionary For Women

Argument (ar*gyou*ment) n.
----------------------
A discussion that occurs when you're right, but he just hasn't
realized it yet.

Airhead (er*hed) n.
----------------------
What a woman intentionally becomes when pulled over by a policeman.

Bar-be-que (bar*bi*q) n
-----------------------
You bought the groceries, washed the lettuce, chopped the tomatoes,
diced the onions, marinated the meat and cleaned everything up, but,
he, "made the dinner."

Blonde jokes (blond joks) n.
---------------------- Jokes that are short so men can understand them.

Cantaloupe (kant*e*lope) n
----------------------
Gotta get married in a church.

Clothes dryer (kloze dri*yer) n.
----------------------
An appliance designed to eat socks.

Diet Soda (dy*it so*da) n.
---------------------- A drink you buy at a convenience store to go with a half pound
bag of peanut M&Ms.

Eternity (e*ter*ni*tee) n.
------------------------ The last two minutes of a football game.

Exercise (ex*er*siz) v
----------------------
To walk up and down a mall, occasionally resting to make a purchase.

Grocery List (grow*ser*ee list) n.
-----------------------------------
What you spend half an hour writing, then forget to
take with you to the store.

Hair Dresser (hare dres*er) n.
----------------------------- Someone who is able to create a style you will never be
able to duplicate again. See "Magician."

Hardware Store (hard*war stor) n
----------------------------------
Similar to a black hole in space-if he goes in, he
isn't coming out anytime soon.

Childbirth (child*brth) n.
-------------------------- You get to go through 36 hours of contractions; he gets to
hold your hand and say "focus,...breath...push..."

Lipstick (lip*stik) n
---------------------- On your lips, coloring to enhance the beauty of your mouth.
On his collar, coloring only a tramp would wear...!

Park (park) v./n.
----------------------
Before children, a verb meaning, "to go somewhere and neck."
After children, a noun meaning a place with a swing set and slide.

Patience (pa*shens) n.
----------------------
The most important ingredient for dating, marriage and children.
See also "tranquilizers."

Waterproof Mascara (wah*tr*pruf mas*kar*ah) n.
--------------------------------------------
Comes off if you cry, shower, or swim, but will not come
off if you try to remove it.

Valentine's Day (val*en*tinez dae) n
-------------------------------------.
A day when you have dreams of a candlelight dinner, diamonds,
and romance, but consider yourself lucky to get a card.

25 Rules to help Men understand Women

1. Learn to work the toilet seat. If you've managed to lift it up, gravity
is on your side when it comes to putting it back down.

2. Sometimes, we are not thinking about having sex.

3. "I ate it, didn't I?" is not considered praise.

4. Your responsibility for raising children does NOT end at conception.

5. Get rid of your comb-over. It's not different -- it's just as ridiculous
as every other comb over. You're losing your hair -- face it.

6. An order of takeout ribs and a Chris Farley movie is not everybody's idea
of a good time.

7. "Yeah yeah, you look fine" is not a compliment.

8. Yes, I DO tell my best friend everything.

9. You have enough ballcaps.

10. You have too many t-shirts.

11. You're too old to wear a goatee.

12. Every actor we find attractive is not gay. You can stop using this one -
- we've all heard it.

13. A hug is not always a prelude to sex.

14. When we ask "are you listening," we already know you're not.

15. Your best friend is an idiot.

16. Nothing says "I love you" like offering to go to the grocery store.

17. If you can rebuild the carburetor on a '66 Mustang, working the washing
machine should be a snap.

18. Yes and no are sometimes acceptable answers -- grunts and blank stares are not.

19. A sore back that prevents you from doing household chores for 17 months
is a problem. See a doctor.

20. Underwear is like a car. After five years, it needs to be replaced with
a newer model.

21. A romantic weekend getaway does not involve baiting a hook.

22. Slapping us on the butt and saying "how bout getting me a cold one" is not foreplay.

23. The missionary position is best left to missionaries.

24. Rolling over and mumbling "I've got to get some sleep" does not produce an afterglow.

25. If it was really good for me...you wouldn't have to ask.

A MAN'S GUIDE TO WHAT A WOMAN IS REALLY SAYING:
---------------------

CAN'T WE JUST BE FRIENDS?
There is no way in hell I'm going to let any part of your body touch
any part of mine, again.

I JUST NEED SOME SPACE.
.... without you in it.

DO I LOOK FAT IN THIS DRESS?
We haven't had a fight in a while.

NO, PIZZA'S FINE.
.... you cheap slob!

I JUST DON'T WANT A BOYFRIEND NOW.
I just don't want you as a boyfriend now.

I DON'T KNOW, WHAT DO YOU WANT TO DO?
I can't believe you have nothing planned.

COME HERE.
My puppy does this, too.

I LIKE YOU, BUT...
I don't like you.

OF COURSE I LOVE YOU.
.... just not in that way.

YOU NEVER LISTEN.
You never listen.

WE'RE MOVING TOO QUICKLY.
I'm not going to sleep with you until I find out if this guy at the
gym has a girlfriend.

I'LL BE READY IN A MINUTE.
I'm ready, but I'm going to make you wait because I know you will.

OH, NO, I'LL PAY FOR MYSELF.
I'm just being nice; there's no way I'm going dutch.

OH YES!!! RIGHT THERE!!
Well, near there; I just want to get this over with.

I'M JUST GOING OUT WITH THE GIRLS.
We're gonna get sloppy and make fun of you and your friends.