A Little Valentine's Day Poem
Hearts and roses and kisses galore....
What the hell is all that shit for?
People get mushy and start acting queer,
It is definitely the most annoying day of the year!
This day needs to get the hell over and pass
Before I shove a dozen roses up Cupid's ass.
I'll spend the day so drunk I can't speak
And wear all black for the rest of the week.
Guys act all sweet, but soon it will fade,
For all they are doing is trying to get laid.
The arrow Cupid shot must not have hit
Because I think love is a crock of shit.
So here's my story...what else can I say?
Love bites my ass...fuck Valentine's Day!
Valentines Day: A time when you shower the person you most admire
with
gifts and affection in the name of secret love and romance.......
........the rest of the year its known as stalking.
Things not to say on your Valentine's date...
* Nice outfit. Is that a wonder-bra?
* I really don't like this restaurant that much, but I wanted to
use
this 2-for-1 coupon before it expired.
* No wine for me tonight. My urologist says it's not good to mix
alcohol
and penicillin.
* I refuse to get cable. That's how they keep tabs on you.
* People say I remind them of Eddie Haskell.
* I used to come here all the time with my ex.
* I never said you NEED a nose job. I just said it wouldn't hurt
to
consider it.
* Could you excuse me? My cat gets lonely if he doesn't hear my
voice
on the answering machine every hour.
* I like clay. It's mushy.
* I really feel that I've grown in the past few years. Used to be
I
wouldn't have given someone like you a second look.
* And I won that trophy in the inter-fraternity belching contest.
* I know you said you don't eat anything with a face. But a good
butcher will cut that part off for you if you ask.
* It's been tough, but I've come to accept that most people I
date just
won't be as smart as I am.
Who was this Saint Valentine, anyway?
I've often wondered how patron saints are chosen. I sometimes
imagine
celestial arm-wrestling matches with the winners getting the best
holidays,
or maybe some saints just have better public relations people
than others.
In reality, a great deal of consideration is given when selecting
a patron
saint, and there are usually obvious connections between saints
and their
causes.
Take our friend Valentine, for instance. Around the year A.D. 270
in Rome,
emperor Claudius II outlawed marriage, fearing that married men
would make
inferior soldiers. Apparently approval ratings weren't quite as
important
in politics back then. Valentine, bishop of Interamna, invited
couples to
come see him and marry in secret.
Claudius, obviously not a romantic deep down inside, promptly
told
Valentine to renounce Christianity or face certain death.
Valentine not
only refused, but also tried to convert the emperor to
Christianity. This
so pleased Claudius that he had Valentine clubbed. Then stoned.
Then
beheaded. And you thought you were a martyr for love!
He loved her very much. He wanted this Valentines day to be
special,
So he had ordered a bottle of her favorite liquor imported from
France
and it had arrived in time for the occasion.
On his way home, he stopped at the local florist. He had planned
to
have a bouquet made with her favorite flower, white anemones. But
to his
dismay, he found that the florist had sold all her flowers and
had only
a few sterns of feathery ferns left for decoration.
In a moment of inspiration, he had the answer. He asked the
florist to
make a bouquet using the flask of liquor instead of flowers and
what
she produced was magnificent well beyond his expectations. He
added a
card, and proceeded home.
When he arrived, his wife was beautiful in her most elegant gown,
and
it was apparent that she had spent much of the day preparing a
romantic
candlelight dinner for the two of them.
He presented her with his gift, and she opened the card to read,
...
Absinthe makes the heart grow fonder.
With a tear in her eye, she whispered to him lovingly, Yes, and
...
with fronds like these, who needs anemones.
Links around
this site:
Click here to go see baby pictures and other
exciting stuff to make you wet yourself.
Sign My Guestbook
View My Guestbook
