Ways to annoy your Public Bathroom
Stallmate
Clap and cheer every time someone farts or drops a load.
Yell out, "Whoa, this water is cold".
Drop a marble in the bowl and yell out, "Oh shit, my glass
eye!"
Say, "Hmmm, I've never had that colour before".
Grunt and strain aloud for 30 seconds, drop a watermelon into the
bowl, then sigh.
Say, "Now how did that get in there?"
Say, "Hmmm, more floaters than sinkers today".
Wipe some peanut past on some toilet paper, drop it so it slides
into the next cubicle then say, "Could you kick that back
here please".
Say, "Boy, that sure looks like a maggot".
Stick yor palm open under the stall wall and ask your
neighbor,"May I borrow a highlighter?"
Say "Uh oh, I knew I shouldn't put my lips on that "
Grunt and strain real loud for 30 seconds and then drop a
cantelope into the toliet bowl from a high place and sigh eight
to 6 feet. Sigh relaxingly
Say, "Humus. Reminds me of humus."
Fill up a large flask with Mountian Dew. Squirt it erratically
under the stall walls of your neighbors while yelling,"Whoa
! Easy boy !!"
Say, "C'mon Mr. Happy! Don't fall asleep on me!!
Say, "Damn, I knew that drain hole was a little too small.
Now what am I gonna do?"
Play a well known drum cadence over and oven again on your butt
cheeks
Before you unroll toliet paper, conspicusly lay down you
"Cross- Dressors Anonymous"newsletter on the floor
visiable to the adjacent stall
Lower a small mirror underneath the stall wall and adjust it so
you can see your neighbor and say, "Peek-a-boo!"
Drop a D-cup bra on the floor under the stall wall and sing
"Born Free"
The Shit List:-
THE GHOST SHIT
The kind where you feel shit come out,
see shit on the toilet paper, but there's no
shit in the bowl.
THE CLEAN SHIT
The kind where you feel shit come out,
see shit in the bowl, but there's no shit on the
toilet paper.
THE WET SHIT
You wipe your ass fifty times and it still feels
unwiped.
So you end up putting toilet paper
between your ass and your underwear
so you don't ruin them
with those dreadful skid marks.
THE SECOND SHIT WAVE
This shit usually happens when you've finished,
your pants are up to your knees, and you
suddenly realize you have to shit some more.
THE BRAIN HEMORRHAGE THROUGH YOUR NOSE SHIT
You have to strain so much that you turn purple
and nearly have a stroke.
THE SWEETCORN SHIT
No explanation necessary.
THE LINCOLN LOG SHIT
This kind of shit is so enormous, you're afraid
to flush it down without first breaking it up into
little pieces with the toilet brush.
THE NOTORIOUS DRINKER SHIT
The kind of shit you have the morning after a
long night of drinking, whose most noticeable
trait is the tread mark left at the bottom of the
bowl after you flush.
THE "GEE I WISH I COULD" SHIT
The kind where you want to shit but even after
straining your guts out, all you can do is sit on
the toilet cramped and farting.
THE POWER DUMP SHIT
The kind that comes out so fast you hardly get
your pants down before it's done.
THE LIQUID PLUMBER SHIT
This kind of shit is so big it plugs up the toilet and it
overflows all over the floor.
(You should have followed the advice from the LINCOLN LOG SHIT)
THE SPINAL TAP SHIT
The kind of shit that hurts so much coming out, you
would swear it was coming out sideways.
THE "I THINK I'M GIVING BIRTH THROUGH MY
ASSHOLE" SHIT
Similar to the "LINCOLN LOG SHIT" and the
"SPINAL TAP SHIT". The shape and size of the turd
Resembles a tall beer can. Vacuous air space remains
in the rectum for some time afterwards.
THE PORRIDGE SHIT
The type that comes out like toothpaste and just keeps on coming.
You have two choices:
Flush and keep going or risk it piling up to your butt while you
sit there helpless.
THE "I'M GOING TO CHEW MY FOOD BETTER" SHIT
When the bag of dorritos you ate last night lacerates
the inside of your rectum on their way out in the
morning.
THE "I'M TURNING INTO A BUNNY" SHIT
When you drop lots of cute little round ones that look
like marbles and make tiny splashing sounds when
they hit the water.
THE "WHAT THE HELL DIED IN HERE" SHIT
Also sometimes referred to as the "TOXIC DUMP".
Of course you don't warn anyone of the poisonous
bathroom odor. Instead, you stand innocently near
the door and enjoy the show as they run out gagging
and gasping for air.
THE "I JUST KNOW THERE'S A TURD STILL
DANGLING THERE" SHIT
Where you just sit there patiently waiting for the last
ding to drop off because if you wipe it now, it's going
to smear all over the place.
Plumbing Problems? Call RENT-A-JOHN. We have all types of
portable johns
to help solve your waste disposal crisis.
Eight Comfortable Models to Select From:
1. Dear John (the double seater)
2. Head of the Class (our campus special)
3. Johnny-Come-Lately (six months of free suppositories)
4. Johnny-on-the-Spot (fast operation model)
5. Farmer's Haven (need we say more?)
6. Johnny-Jump-Up (with floral motif)
7. Johnny-Be-Good (a toilet-training favorite with parents)
8. Can-Can (comes with bidet; imported from France)
Contact RENT-A-JOHN, a subsidiary of JOHNS-R-US
Number 2, Relief Prospect
Flushing, NY
A modest man is in the hospital for a series of tests. One of the
last tests has left his system upset. Upon making several false
alarms to the bathroom, he decided the latest was another. He
completely filled his bed up with human waste and was embarrased
beyond anything he could possibly face.
Losing his presence of mind, he jumped up, gathered up the bed
sheets, and threw them out the hospital window.
A drunk was walking by the hospital when the sheets landed on
him.
He started yelling, cussing and swinging his arms which drew the
attention of the security guard.
The security guard asked, "What's going on?"
To which the drunk replied, "I just beat the shit out of a
ghost."
Bathroom graffiti - 01
-----------------------------
Here I lie in stinky vapor,
Because some bastard stole the toilet paper,
Shall I lie, or shall I linger,
Or shall I be forced to use my finger.
Bathroom graffiti - 02
-----------------------------
I came here
To shit and stink,
But all I do
Is sit and think.
Bathroom graffiti - 03
-----------------------------
Some come here to sit and think,
Some come here to shit and stink,
But I come here to scratch my balls,
And read the bullshit on the walls.
Bathroom graffiti - 04
-----------------------------
(Written high upon the wall)
If you can piss above this line,...
the Hillsboro Fire Department want's you.
Bathroom graffiti - 05
-----------------------------
(Sign posted in a bathroom)
We aim to please!
You aim too! Please!
Bathroom graffiti - 06
-----------------------------
(Seen above a urinal)
Please do not throw cigarette butts in our urinal.
We don't piss in your ashtrays!
Bathroom graffiti - 07
-----------------------------
Scratched into the paint of the condom-dispensing machine were
these words: "Don't buy this gum, it tastes like
rubber."
Bathroom graffiti - 08
-----------------------------
(On the inside of a toilet door)
Patrons are requested to remain seated
throughout the entire performance
Bathroom graffiti - 09
-----------------------------
"$1.49 - All You Can Eat" (with an arrow pointing down
into the
toilet)
Bathroom graffiti - 10
-----------------------------
(A sign I saw at a swimming pool once)
We don't swim in your toilet, so please don't pee in our pool!
Bathroom graffiti - 11
-----------------------------
(Another sign seen at a swimming pool)
Welcome to our ool. Notice there's no P in it.
Please keep it that way.
Bathroom graffiti - 12
-----------------------------
(In the men's room at a Burger King restaurant)
It takes the human body about 24 hours to turn good food into
shit.
It only takes Burger King 10 minutes.
Bathroom graffiti - 13
-----------------------------
(Sign seen at a restaurant)
The hands that clean these toilets also make your
food......... please aim properly.
Bathroom graffiti - 14
-----------------------------
(Here's one seen above a urinal)
look up
look up
[even higher on the wall]
keep looking up
[on the ceiling]
Quick! Look down! You're pissing on your shoes!
Bathroom graffiti - 15
-----------------------------
(Written above a urinal)
Why are you looking up here ? Are you ashamed of it?
Bathroom graffiti - 16
-----------------------------
Some people come here
to take a shit, I come here to leave one.
Bathroom graffiti - 17
-------------------------------
Here I sit so broken hearted
Tried to shit but only farted
how much longer must I linger
before I have to use my finger
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