Glossary of English/German Motoring Terms

Indicators: Die Blinkenleiten Tickentocken
Bonnet (Hood): Die Pullnob und knucklechopper
Exhaust: Der Spitzenpoppenbangentuben
Puncture: Die Phlatt mit Bludyfucken
Learner: Die twatte mit ellplatz
Estate Car: Der Bagmerroom furschagginkinauto
Parking Meter: Der Tennerpinscher und Klockenqweer
Windscreen Wiper: Der Flippenflappen muckenschpredder
Footbrake: Der Edbangeronvindschreen Stoppenquick
Gear lever: Bigenschticken fur Kangarooshtoppen
Breathalyser: Die Puffitintem fur Pistenarsen
Rear View Mirror: Der Yokhunter Tucklosen
Seat Belt: Der Klunkinklikker Frauleintrapper
Headlights: Das Dipperenderdazzlubastad
Exhaust (old cars): Der Kaffenundschpitpolluter
Highway Code: Der Wipenfurarsen
Fog Warning: Die Puttenfootdownen und fukkit
Traffic jam: Die Bluddifukkinnk Dammundblast
Rear Seat: Der Schpringentester mit Fraulein
Tyres: Die Flahttfarts
Backfire: Der Lowdenbangenmekkenjumpen
Juggernaut: Der Fukkengrett Trucken
Accident: Der Bledinmess
Garage: Der heiway Robberung
Cyclist: Der pedallpushinink Pillocken
Skid: Der Banannan Waltzen
Double White Lines: Overtaken und Krunchen
Near Accident: Der Fukken ner Schittenselfen

France, as seen by an American tourist.....

The following advisory for American travellers heading for France was
compiled from information provided by the US State Department, the
Central Intelligence Agency, the US Chamber of Commerce, the Food and
Drug Administration, the Centres for Disease Control, and some very
expensive spy satellites that the French don't know about. It is
intended as a guide for American travellers only.

General Overview

France is a medium-sized foreign country situated in the continent of
Europe. It is an important member of the world community, though not
nearly as important as it thinks. It is bounded by Germany, Spain,
Switzerland and some smaller nations of no particular consequence and
with not very good shopping.

France is a very old country with many treasures, such as the Louvre
and EuroDisney. Among its contributions to western civilization are
champagne, Camembert cheese and the guillotine.

Although France likes to think of itself as a modern nation, air
conditioning is little used and it is next to impossible to get decent
Mexican food. One continuing exasperation for American visitors is
that the people wilfully persist in speaking French, though many will
speak English if shouted at. As in any foreign country, watch your
change at all times.

The People

France has a population of 54 million people, most of whom drink and
smoke a great deal, drive like lunatics, are dangerously oversexed, smell
of shot and have no concept of standing patiently in line. The French people
are in general gloomy, temperamental, proud, arrogant, aloof, and
undisciplined; and those are their good points.

Most French citizens are Roman Catholic, though you would hardly guess
it from their behaviour. Many people are communists, and topless
sunbathing is common. Men sometimes have girls' names like Marie, and
they kiss each other when they hand out medals.

American travellers are advised to travel in groups and to wear
baseball caps and colourful trousers for easier mutual recognition.

Safety

In general, France is a safe destination, though travellers are advised
that, from time to time, it is invaded by Germany. By tradition, the
French surrender more or less at once and, apart from a temporary
shortage of Scotch whisky and increased difficulty in getting baseball
scores and stock market prices, life for the visitor generally goes on
much as before.

A tunnel connecting France to Britain beneath the English Channel has
been opened in recent years to make it easier for the Government to
flee to London.

History

France was discovered by Charlemagne in the Dark Ages. Other
important historical figures are Louis XIV, the Huguenots,
Joan of Arc, Jacques Cousteau and Charles de Gaulle,
who was President for many years and is now an airport.

France's role in Europe throughout history was to have the
shit kicked out of them by the English every couple of years.

Government

The French form of government is democratic but noisy. Elections are
held more or less continuously, and always result in a run-off. For
administrative purposes, the country is divided into regions,
departments, districts' municipalities, cantons, communes, villages,
cafes, booths, and floor tiles.

Parliament consists of two chambers, the Upper and Lower (though,
confusingly, they are both on the ground floor), whose members are
either Gaullists or communists, neither of whom is to be trusted,
frankly. Parliament's principal preoccupation's are setting off atomic
bombs in the South Pacific, and acting indignant when anyone
complains.

According to the most current State Department intelligence, the
President now is someone named Jacques. Further information is not
available at this time.

Culture

The French pride themselves on their culture, though it is not easy to
see why. All their songs sound the same, and they have hardly ever
made a movie that you would want to watch for anything but the nude
scenes. And nothing, of course, is more boring than a French novel.

Cuisine

Let's face it, no matter how much garlic you put on it, a snail is
just a slug with a shell on its back. Croissants, on the other hand,
are excellent, though it is impossible for most Americans to pronounce
this word. In general, travellers are advised to stick to
cheeseburgers at leading hotels such as Sheraton and Holiday Inn.

Economy

France has a large and diversified economy, second only to Germany's
in Europe, which is surprising because people hardly work at all. If
they are not spending four hours dawdling over lunch, they are on
strike and blocking the roads with their trucks and tractors.
France's principal exports, in order of importance to the economy, are
wine, nuclear weapons, perfume, guided missiles, champagne,
high-caliber weaponry, grenade launchers, land mines, tanks, attack
aircraft, miscellaneous armaments and cheese.

Public Holidays

France has more holidays than any other nation in the world. Among its
361 national holidays are 197 saints' days, 37 National Liberation
Days, 16 Declaration of Republic Days, 54 Return of Charles de Gaulle
in Triumph as if he Won the War Single-Handed Days, 18 Napoleon Sent
into Exile Days, 17 Napoleon Called Back from Exile Days, and 112
France is Great and the Rest of the World is Rubbish Days. Other
important holidays are National Nuclear Bomb Day (January 12), the
Feast of Ste. Brigitte Bardot Day (March 1), and National Guillotine
Day (November 12).

Conclusion

France enjoys a rich history, a picturesque and varied landscape, and
a temperate climate. In short, it would be a very nice country if it
weren't inhabited by French people.

The best thing that can be said for it is that it is not Germany.

A Word of Warning

The consular services of the United States government are intended
solely for the promotion of the interests of American businesses such
as McDonald's, Pizza Hut and the Coca-Cola Corporation. In the event
that you are the victim of a crime or serious injury involving at
least the loss of a limb, report to the American Embassy between the
hours of 5.l5 am and 5.20 am on a Tuesday or Wednesday, and a consularofficial who is supremely indifferent to your plight will give you a
list of qualified dentists or something similarly useless.

Remember, no one ordered you to go abroad. Personally, we always take
our holidays at Miami Beach, and you are advised to as well.

Thank you and good luck.

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