What do you call a gay Indian?
A brave fucker.

What do gays call hemorrhiods?
Speed bumps.

What does jelly (Jello) and women have in common?
They both wiggle when you eat them.

In Greece, how do you sepaarate the men from the boys?
With a crow bar.

What do tupperware and a walrus have in common?
They both like a tight seal.

Why is sex like a bridge game?
You don't need a partner if you have a good hand.

What do you get when you cross a donkey with an onion?
A piece of ass that bring's tears to your eyes.

Why are cowgirls bowlegged?
Cowboys like to eat with thier hats on.

What's the definition of virginity?
A big issue over a little tissue.

Why do French men make such lousy lover's?
They always wait for the swelling to go down

What is the last thing Tickle ME Elmo got before he left the factory?
A couple of Testickles!

What is the difference between a geneologist & a gynecologist?
A geneologist looks up your family tree... A gynecologist looks up your family bush!!

What do you call an Anorexic with a yeast infection??
A quarter pounder with cheese!

What do you get when you cross a Rooster with an owl?
A Cock that can stay up all night!!

If a Stork brings white babies & crows bring black babies what brings no babies?
A SWALLOW!!

What is the difference between a porcupine & a corvette??
Porcupines have pricks on the outside!!
What do you call a lesbian with thick fingers??
WELL HUNG!!!

A furrier from the US goes to Helsinki to buy furs. He arranges for a
hooker to be sent to his room. When they're done, he said, "I'm afraid my
Finnish isn't too good." The hooker replied, "Your foreplay ain't all that
hot either."

Q: What are the small bumps around a woman's nipples for?
A: It's Braille for "suck here."

Q: If the dove is the bird of peace, what is the bird of true love?
A: The swallow.

Q: What does a 75 year old woman have between her breasts that a 25 year old doesn't?
A: Her navel.

Q: Why do women close their eyes during sex?
A: They can't stand seeing a man having a good time.

Q: What's the difference between your wife and your job?
A: After 5 years your job will still suck.

Q: Why did God create lesbians?
A: So feminists couldn't breed.

Q: What's the best thing about a blow job?
A: The ten minutes of silence.

Q: What's the difference between a bitch and a whore?
A: A whore sleeps with everybody at the party, and a bitch sleeps with
everybody at the party except you.

Q: What do you do with 365 used rubbers?
A: Melt them down, make a tire, and call it a Goodyear.

Q: What's the speed limit of sex?
A: 68; at 69 you have to turn around.

Q: What's the ultimate rejection?
A: When you're masturbating and your hand falls asleep.

Q: Why did Raggedy Ann get thrown out of the toy box?
A: Because she kept sitting on Pinocchio's face, and moaning, "Lie to me!"

Q: Why is air a lot like sex?
A: Because it's no big deal unless you're not getting any.

Q: Why did Frosty the Snowman pull down his pants?
A: He heard the snowblower coming.

Q: What is the difference between a woman's clit and a golf ball?
A: A man will spend hours looking for a golf ball and not give up.

Q: What is the difference between Ooooo, and Aaaaaaaa?
A: About 2"

Q: What does a guy with a 12" dick have for breakfast?
A: Well this moring I had 2 eggs with bacon and orange juice.

Q. What is the best thing about a nudist wedding?
A. You never have to ask who the best man is.

Q. What did Bill Gates' wife say to him on their wedding night?

A. "Now I know why you named your company Microsoft!"

One For the Women......

Q: How do I know if I'm ready for sex?
A: Ask your boyfriend. He'll know when the time is right. When it comes to love and sex, men are much more responsible, since they're not as emotionally confused as women. It's a proven fact.

Q: Should I have sex on the first date?
A: YES. Before if possible.

Q: What exactly happens during the act of sex?
A: Again, this is entirely up to the man. The important thing to remember is that you must do whatever he tells you without question. Sometimes, however, he may ask you to do certain things that may at first seem strange to you. Do them anyway.

Q: How long should the sex act last?
A: This is a natural & normal part of nature, so don't feel ashamed or embarrassed. After you've finished making love, he'll have a natural desire to leave you suddenly, & go out with his friends to play golf. Or perhaps another activity, such as going out with his friends to the bar for the purpose of consuming large amounts of alcohol & sharing a few personal thoughts with his buddies. Don't feel left out - while he's gone you can busy yourself by doing laundry, cleaning the apartment, or perhaps even going out to buy him an expensive gift. He'll come back when he's ready.

Q: What is 'afterplay'?
A: After a man has finished making love, he needs to replenish his manly energy. 'Afterplay' is simply a list of important activities for you to do after lovemaking. This includes lighting his cigarette, making him a sandwich or pizza, bringing him a few beers, or leaving him alone to sleep while you go out and buy him an expensive gift.

Q: Does the size of the penis matter?
A: Yes. Although many women believe that quality, not quantity, is important, studies show this is simply not true. The average erect male penis measures about three inches. Anything longer than that is extremely rare and if by some chance your lover's sexual organ is 4 inches or over, you should go down on your knees and thank your lucky stars and do everything possible to please him, such as doing his laundry, cleaning his apartment and/or buying him an expensive gift.

Q: What about the female orgasm?
A: What about it? There's no such thing. It's a myth.

Quote: If sex is a pain in the ass your probably doing it wrong.

So this girl says give me 12" and make it hurt, so I screwed her twice and
hit her with a brick.

I told her that I only had 4" but you know some girls like them that
wide.

She said she wanted 9", but I won't bend it in half for any woman!

Do you know what it says on the bottom of a Tojan condom when you roll it
all the way down, Oh sorry I guess you've never seen one rolled all the way down.

Do you know what all women scream when they are totaly satisfied in bed?
No? I guess you've never totally satisfied a woman in bed.

This Scottish farmer walks into the neighborhood pub, and orders a whiskey.
"Ye see that fence over there?" he says to the bartender. "Ah built it
with me own two hands! Dug up the holes with me shovel,
chopped doon the trees for the posts by me ownself, laid every last
rail! But do they call me 'McGregor the Fence-Builder?'
No..."
He gulps down the whiskey and orders another. "Ye see that pier on the
loch?" He continues, "AH built it me ownself, too.
Swam oot into the loch to lay the foondations, laid doon every single
board! But do they call me 'McGregor the Pier-Builder?'
No."
"But ye fuck ONE sheep...."

A ninety year old man lived in a rest home and got a weekend pass. He
stopped in his favorite bar and sat at the end and ordered a drink. He
noticed a seventy year old woman at the other end of the bar and he told
the bartender to buy the lovely young lady a drink. As evening progressed,
the old man joined the lady and they went to her apartment, where they got
it on. ("The Horizontal Disco")
Four days later, the old man noticed that he was developing a drip, and he
headed for the rest home doctor. After careful examination the doctor
asked the old man if he had engaged in sex recently.
The old man said, "Sure!"
The doctor asked if he could remember who the woman was and where she lived.
"Sure, why?"
"Well you'd better get over there, you're about to cum!"

1) The first is Smurf Sex. This happens during the honeymoon period; you
both keep doing it until you're blue in the face.
2) The second is Kitchen Sex. This is at the beginning of the marriage;
you'll have sex anywhere, anytime, even in the kitchen.
3) The third kind is Bedroom Sex. You've calmed down a bit, perhaps have
kids, so you gotta do it in the bedroom.
4) The fourth kind is Hallway Sex. This is the phase in which you pass each
other in the hallway and say, "Fuck you!"
5) There is also a fifth kind of sex: Courtroom Sex. This is when you get
divorced and your wife screws you in front of everyone in the courtroom.

Little Jenny came home from school one day and she ran straight to the
bathroom and started to cry. Her mother, concerned about her went in and
asked what was wrong.
"Well," replied Jenny, "we just learned in health class that the baby comes
out where the boy's penis goes in. Is that true?" "Sure honey, but that's
nothing to cry about," said her mother. Then Jenny replied, "But when I
have Jonny's baby, I'm afraid it'll knock out a few of my teeth!"

Visiting a lawyer for advice, the wife said, "I want you to help me obtain
a divorce. My husband is getting a little queer to sleep with."
"What do you mean?" asked the attorney. "Does he force you to indulge in
unusual sex practices?"
"No, he doesn't," replied the woman, "and neither does the little queer."

An 80 year old man was having his annual check up and the doctor asked
him how he was feeling.
"I've never felt better!", he boasted. "I've got an 18 year old bride
who's pregnant and having my child! What do you think of that?"
The doctor considered this for a moment and then said, "Let me tell you
a story. I knew a guy who was an avid hunter. He never missed a season.
One day he went out in a bit of a hurry and he accidentally grabbed his
umbrella instead of his gun."The doctor continued. "So he was in the woods and suddenly a grizzly
bear appeared in front of him! He raised up his umbrella, pointed it at
the bear and squeezed the handle. And do you know what happened?" the
doctor queried.
Dumbfounded, the old man replied, "No."
The doctor continued, "The bear dropped dead in front of him!"
"That's impossible!", exclaimed the old man. "Someone else must have
shot that bear."
"Exactly" replied the doctor.

A Jew, a Catholic and a Mormon were having drinks at the bar following
an interfaith meeting. The Jew, bragging on his virility, said, "I have
four sons. One more and I'll have a basketball team." The Catholic,
pooh-poohed this accomplishment, stating, "That's nothing, boy. I have 10
sons, one more and I'll have a football team." To which the Mormon
replied, "You fellas ain't got a clue. I have 17 wives. One more and I'll
have a golf course."

Did you hear about the fellow that was talking to his buddy, and
he said, "I don't know what to get my wife for her birthday. She
has everything, and besides, she can afford to buy anything she
wants, so I'm stumped."
His buddy said, "I have an idea. Why don't you make up a
certificate that says she can have two hours of great sex, any
way she wants it. She'll probably be thrilled!" So the first fella
did just that.
The next day his buddy asked, "Well, did you take my
suggestion? How'd it turn out?"
"She loved it. She jumped up, thanked me, kissed me on
the mouth, and ran out the door yelling -- I'll see you in two hours!"

A ninety-year old woman in a nursing home decided that she still wanted to
have sex. She ran into the recreation room, lifted her dress, and showing
her snatch, cried, "Super pussy!"
There were no takers. The old lady ran into another room, lifted her
dress, and called out, "Super pussy! Super pussy!"
There were still no takers.
The old lady ran into the dining room, where one old man was sitting. She
ran up to him and lifted her dress. "Super pussy, super pussy!" she cried.
The old man looked at her and said, "I'll have the soup."

A man was experiencing chronic infections so he took his urologist's advice
and entered the hospital for a routine circumcision. When he came to, he was perturbed to
see a large group of doctors standing around his hospital bed.
"What's up doc?" he asked nervously.
"Uh, well......there's been a bit of a mix-up," admitted his surgeon. "I'm
afraid that instead of a circumcision, we performed a sex-change operation on you. You now have a
very nice vagina instead of a penis."
"What!" gasped the patient. "You mean I'll never experience another erection?"
"Oh, I'm sure you will", reassured the doctor, "only it'll be somebody else's."

A man was approached by coworker at lunch who invited him out for a
few beers after work. The man said that his wife would never go for
it, that she does not allow him to go drinking with the guys after
work. The coworker suggested a way to overcome that problem: "When
you get home tonight, sneek into the house, slide down under the
sheets, gently pull down your wife's panties, and give her oral sex.
Women love it, and believe me, she'll never mention that you were out
late with the boys."
So the man agreed to try it, and went out and enjoyed himself. Late that
night, he sneeked into the house, slid down under the sheets, gently slid
down his wife's panties, and gave her oral sex. She moaned and groaned with
pleasure, but after a little while, he realized he had to take a leak, so he
told he he'd be right back, got out of bed and walked down the hall to the
bathroom. When he opened the door and went in, he was very surprised to see
his wife sitting on the john.
"How did you get in here?" he asked.
"Shhhhh!!!" she replied, "you'll wake-up my mother!"

A young couple are out for a romantic walk along a country
lane. They walk hand in hand and as they stroll the guy's
lustful desire rises to a peak. He is just about to get frisky
when she says, "I hope you don't mind but I really do
need to pee."
Slightly taken back by this vulgarity he replies,
"OK. Why don't you go behind this hedge."
She nods agreement and disappears behind the hedge.
As he waits he can hear the sound of nylon knickers rolling
down her voluptuous legs and imagines what is being
exposed. Unable to contain his animal thoughts a moment
longer, he reaches a hand through the hedge and touches
her leg. He quickly brings his hand further up her thigh
until suddenly and with great astonishment finds himself
gripping a long, thick appendage hanging between her legs.
He shouts in horror, "My God Mary ... have you changed
your sex?"

"No," she replies. "I've changed my mind, I'm taking a shit instead."

An escaped convict broke into a house and tied up a young couple who had
been sleeping in the bedroom.
As soon as he had a chance, the husband turned to his voluptuous young
wife, bound up on the bed in a skimpy nightgown, and whispered, "Honey,
this guy hasn't seen a woman in years--let alone one as beautiful as
you. Just cooperate with anything he wants. If he
wants to have sex with you, just go along with it and pretend that you
like it...Remember both of our lives depends on it."
"Darling" whispered the wife, "Im so relieved you feel that way because
he just told me he thinks you have a really nice looking butt."

A guy with leprosy wins tickets to see the world series. But when he gets
there, he has trouble finding a seat because pieces of him are peeling
and flaking off, and he's very concerned about grossing out the other fans.

The leper wanders through the bleachers looking for a seat where his
grotesque appearance won't disturb anyone else. Finally he finds an open
seat where he might be able to watch the game. He asks the man in the
adjoining seat if it would be okay to sit there.

The man answers, "Yeah. Just sit down, shut up, and watch the game."

The leper sits down and adds, "As you can see, I have leprosy. If it
disturbs you, I will move."

"It doesn't bother me. Just shut up, and watch the game."

A while later, during the fourth inning, the man suddenly vomits. Frothy
beer, hot dogs, and peanuts are splattered everywhere.

Seeing this, the leper gets up and says, "Thank you for allowing me to
sit next to you, but I can see that my appearance has caused you to get
sick. I will find another place to sit."

"It's NOT you. Just sit down, shut up, and watch the game."

So the leper sits back down. But during the sixth inning, the man begins
to vomit again. This time it is projectile vomitus. A powerful blast of
beer and pretzels shoots out from the man's mouth and nose until is
stomach is completely emptied.

Seeing this, the leper gets up and says, "Thank you for allowing me to
sit next to you, but I can see that my appearance has caused you to get
sick. I will find another place to sit."

"Really, it's NOT you. Just sit down, shut up, and watch the game."

So the leper sits back down. But during the seventh inning, the man
begins to vomit again. This time it is the dry heaves. The leper feels
absolutely awful at the sight of this man suffering. And once again, the
leper offers to leave.

But the man insists, "Really, it's NOT you."

So the leper asks, "Well if it's not me that is making you so sick, that
what is it?"

"It's that guy behind you. He keeps dipping his nachos in your back."