The Top 14 Signs Your Online Relationship Isn't Working Out

14> You discover that "Chesty McBust" isn't her real name,
and she's dialing in from Langley, VA.

13> You: Large, hairy man.
Your online girlfriend: Large, hairy man.

12> Her postmaster rejects your e-mail not as "undeliverable"
but as "unlikely to get you anywhere."

11> After months of shared experiences and emotional investments,
she attacks you in the Mines of Quarn with a +5 Vorpal Sword
when she learns you're worth 45,000 points.

10> "Returned mail: User unknown and never wants to hear from you again."

9> Your cyberlover is just too busy editing that silly little Top 5 List.

8> Getting perhaps a bit too comfortable, she lets a reference
to cutting her chin shaving slip by.

7> You discover that she has been cutting & pasting her orgasms.

6> You can barely make out your SO's face in the JPEG she sent
because she's obscured by her 25 cats.

5> He claims to be the richest man in the world, but his GIF
looks like some geek who works for a software company.

4> Since her first e-mail, Make.Money.Fast!@cyber-promotions.com
has become cold and distant.

3> She's suddenly changed her address to comingout@lesbian.com

2> Ken Starr launches an investigation into your relationship
with the mysterious "tubby@whitehouse.gov"

and Top5's Number 1 Sign Your Online
Relationship Isn't Working Out...

1> In an ironic twist of fate, you discover that the object of
your affection is a curvaceous 18 year old, rather than the
geeky 14 year old boy she'd pretended to be.

The Top 16 Signs You're Hopelessly Geeky

16> Your screen saver: "Hanson Kicks Ass!"

15> You spend hours prioritizing your list of questions you'd like
to ask Commander Data if you ever meet him in person.

14> At the local Radio Shack, you're greeted like Norm at Cheers.

13> You're the head A/V technician on a space ship behind Hale-Bopp.

12> You receive a grant from the International Plaid Foundation.

11> You're 42 years old and you use the word "Wookie" at least a dozen times a day.

10> Slim Jims and Ding Dongs form the base of your nutrition pyramid.

9> Seven years, £60 million, and your new high-tech house still ain't done.

8> You have electrical tape holding your contact lenses together.

7> You prefer to be thought of as an "artist who works in the
medium of ASCII."

6> Discussions with your friends about the properties of dilithium
crystals routinely lead to fistfights.

5> Your favorite Marx Brother? Zeppo.

4> You're not geeky at all, and neither are your kids: McCoy,
Sulu, Uhura, and Scotty.

3> Your first and only attempt at foreplay ended abruptly when your own bow tie gave you a wedgie.

2> You *ask* your mom to buy you Toughskins.

and the Number 1 Sign You're Hopelessly Geeky...

1> You know how to say, "I've never had a girlfriend" in 5 languages.

Geek Proverbs

1. Home is where you hang your @
2. The E-mail of the species is more deadly than the mail.
3. A journey of a thousand sites begins with a single click.
4. You can't teach a new mouse old clicks.
5. Great groups from little icons grow.
6. Speak softly and carry a cellular phone.
7. C:\ is the root of all directories.
8. Don't put all your hypes in one home page.
9. Pentium wise; pen and paper foolish.
10. The modem is the message.
11. Too many clicks spoil the browse.
12. The geek shall inherit the earth.
13. A chat has nine lives.
14. Don't byte off more than you can view.
15. Fax is stranger than fiction.
16. What boots up must come down.
17. Windows will never cease.
18. In Gates we trust.
19. Virtual reality is its own reward.
20. Modulation in all things.
21. A user and his leisure time are soon parted.
22. There's no place like www.home.com
23. Know what to expect before you connect.
24. Oh, what a tangled website we weave when first we practice.
25. Speed thrills.
26. Give a man a fish and you feed him for a day;
teach him to use the Net and he won't bother you for weeks.

The Top 14 Features of the Pentium III Chip

14. Automatically removes copyright notices from humor lists.

13. Minesweeper now runs really, really, *really* fast.

12. Garunteed 100% Mathomaticly Ackurat

11. Far superior to its brothers, Pentium III Mike and Pentium III Ernie.

10. Goes great with Pentium III salsa!

9. Converts your 3-month-old, $2000 computer into a handy boat anchor.

8. In benchmark tests against other chips,
it consistently delivered vastly higher prices.

7. First processor to be made entirely out of Havarti cheese and raisins.

6. Now Featuring, "Good ol' Vulcan Logic"

5. Like all Pentiums, it provides its own fireworks
at midnight, January 31, 1999.

4. In anticipation of Y10K, all years are stored as Roman numerals.

3. Secretly monitors the Internet for new porn sites, which are
then automatically added to the President's bookmark file.

2. Runs at a blazing 600 EthelMertz per second!

1. Allows net geeks to go twice as long without human contact.

The Top Ten Signs Your Co-worker Is a Computer Hacker..

10: You ticked him off once and your next phone bill was for £20,000.
9: He's won the Publisher's Clearing House sweepstakes 3 years running.
8: When asked for his phone number, he gives it in hex.
7: Seems strangely calm whenever the office LAN goes down.
6: Somehow gets HBO on his PC at work.
5: Mumbled, "Oh, puh-leeez" 95 times during the movie "The Net".
4: Massive 401k contribution made in half-cent increments.
3: His video dating profile lists "public-key encryption" among turn-ons.
2: For his welcome voice on AOL, you hear, "Good Morning, Mr. President".
1: You hear him murmur, "Let's see you use that Visa now, Professor I-Don't-Give- A's-In-Computer-Science!"

34 things I learned from video games:

1. There is no problem that cannot be overcome by violence.
2. You can overcome most adversaries simply by having enough quarters.
3. If it moves, KILL IT!
4. Piloting any vehicle is simple and requires no training.
5. One lone "good guy" can defeat an indeterminate number of "bad guys."
A. "Bad guys" move in predictable patterns.
B. Except for "bosses," most "bad guys" can be dispatched with one hit.
C. You often fare better against a large mob of "bad guys" then
against a "boss" in one on one combat.
6. "Bosses" always hire henchmen weaker then they are to do their 'muscle work'.
7. If you see food lying on the ground, eat it.
8. You can smash things and get away with it.
A. Smashing things doesn't hurt.
B. Many nice things are hidden inside other things.
9. Cybernetics are our friends.
10. When driving, you can knock other vehicles off the road and get away with it.
11. If someone dies, they disappear.
12. Money is frequently found lying on the streets.
13. All shopkeepers carry high-tech weaponry.
14. If you get mad enough, you can fight even better than normal.
15. If it's on the ground, you should get it.
16. Repulsive, ugly, cannabalistic, evil beings have just as much
right to be loved as heroic fighters.
17. The operation of a weapon is a simple and obvious procedure.
18. You never run out of ammunition, just grenades.
19.. No matter how long you fight, you can always fight again.
20. Death is reversible (but only for you!).
21. Ninjas are common, and fight in public frequently.
22. Whenever huge fat evil men are about to die, they begin flashing red or yellow.
23. When you are born, you drop out of the sky (a stork?) and are
completely invincible for a short time.
24. Although the enemy always has more aircraft than you, they fly in
elaborate patterns which make it easier for you to shoot them all down.
25. All martial (marital?) arts women wear revealing clothes and have great bodies.
26. All martial arts men have rippling muscles and angry expressions.
27. The enemy always leaves weapons or powerups lying around for no
reason other than so their bitter enemy can pick them up and defeat them with it.
28. Shoot everything. If it blows up or dies, it was evil. If it
doesn't, try and pick it up--- it was probably a powerup or bonus.
29. Carpe diem! You only live three times!
30. The most powerful fighters always wait until you have acheived a
near-impossible, flawless win record and/or killed a certain
number of opponents before they appear in your presence and beat
the crap out of you.31. You sustain injury if you shoot innocents.
32. 200 - 1 odds against you is NOT a problem.
33. gang members frequently all look the same, and often have the same names.
34. When racing vehicles, do not worry if your vehicle crashes and
explodes. A new vehicle will appear in its place.

Umpteen 'nerdy' things to do in a Sainsbury's Homebase/do it all...wherever..

Unroll the 100 metre tape measure to "make sure it's all there". Ask
other shoppers to hold bits down "Just there, no there by that mark in
the floor" as you go along. See how many shoppers you can get helping
you on the way.

Unroll a 50 metre roll of duct tape check whether it really is 50 meters.
Then find you can't roll it all back because it's stuck on the floor.
When a member of staff asks what you are doing tell them you've
covered up a large crack in their floor and they "really ought to take
more care of their building".

Ask for the bits from the middle of your washers so that you can use
them for Tiddlywinks.

Take your cat into the Pet Department and put him into different
baskets. Call him "Timmy" and ask which he prefers. Then start arguing
with him and say that the ones he prefers is too expensive. Ask
passers-by if they have the same problem with their cats.

Complain that the 13 amp plug you bought leaks and that as a result
you've not had a bath for months.

Go to the Customer Service desk and ask how to connect the plumb line
you've just bought to your washing machine.

Take some planks of wood into the store and ask to try their best
orbital sander. Afterwards ask them where they keep the wood
varnish... you'd like to try that as well.

Order 90 metres of nylon cable with a strain rating of 6 Kg. Once
they've measured and cut it produce a piece of paper from your pocket,
stare at it and turn it upside down. Apologise and say that you really
wanted 9 metres of nylon cable with a strain rating of 60 Kg.

Complain that none of the taps work in the model bathroom. Threaten to
sue them on health grounds because they've also forgotten to provide
soap or towels.

Try to hold up the cashier with a glue gun. Shout "Stick 'em up!" and
start sniggering. When the cops come say "It was only a joke. Geddit?
Glue. Stick 'em up. Joke." Keep protesting your innocence and sue them
for not having a sense of humour.

Take a section of bright yellow carpet into the paint department and
get people's opinion of which paint matches it best. Then produce some
bright yellow curtain material and ask whether the paint still
matches. Next get some bright pink cloth ("the color of my sofa") and
ask which paint goes best with all three. You can then produce another
patch of material from your cushions, rugs, light-shades...

Join the longest checkout queue when ready to pay for your goods. Then
move to the back of another long queue when just about to be served.
Start complaining about the slow service - but keep moving to the back
of another long queue when just about to be served. Eventually the
manager will come out and take you to the front of a queue - just to
get rid of you. When this happens turn round and grin at everybody
else who you've just jumped in front of.

Produce a shopping list for a Jack Daniels spirit level, a long
weight, a left-handed screw-driver and a tin of blue and white striped
paint.

Shake all the Christmas trees until their needles start to fall out.
Decide which tree was best. Then go buy a plastic tree because all the
real ones were reduced to bare twigs.

Get a friend to hold each tape measure in turn while you pull the tape
out to its fullest extent. Then shout "Yeeha!" and let the tape go.
Time which recoils the fastest.

Switch off all the lights in the building so that you can try out the
torches. When the staff get angry and turn them back on ask "what
they've got to hide?".

Go to the Customer Service desk with a tin of paint (for example
"Egg-shell blue", "Buttermilk white" or "Jasmine yellow") and ask
whether they've got the same color but with a different name; the
color's just right but there's no way you're going to paint your wall
with something called *that*.

Borrow a volt meter from the electrical section, undo all packs of
batteries and test them to find the freshest ones. Then decide to buy
rechargeables instead.

Visit the garden department and ask for daffodil bulbs with the
screw-type fitting. Then ask whether you can change the ones you
bought by mistake last week with the bayonet fitting.

Ask if they have any Australian hose-pipes because you are going to
live there and everybody knows that water flows the other way in the
southern hemisphere.

Take your dimmer switch to the Returns Desk and complain that it is
too intelligent - you wanted something dimmer.

Open all the glue pots and start sniffing them. When an assistant asks
what you're doing thrust one of them under his nose and say "Smell for
yourself, this one's stale".

Activate all the burglar alarms in the security section. When an
innocent member of public sets them off, tie him up with some rope and
shout "I've caught him! I've caught him!".

Pick up one of the demonstration models in the phone section and
pretend to have a private conversation. Say to the (imaginary) person
on the other end "It's amazing, they must have wired this one in by
mistake". See how many people you can get to pick it up and try it
after you've left.

Take items of bird food (bags of nuts and bars of seed) out into the
garden section and fix them to the bird tables, so that the birds can
eat them. If stopped by staff just say you thought somebody had put
them in the wrong place and ask "they are meant to be for the birds
outside, aren't they?".

Try cooking your Sunday lunch in one of their example kitchens. See
how far you can get. Try and build up an audience as if you were doing
a demonstration. If there's no electricity say "Darn it, they forgot
to wire it up for me again." and move onto some other food preparation
which doesn't need electricity. Keep saying things like "Note the
stylish doors", "Look at the quality of this work surface" and "The
sink comes in four sizes, three shapes and seven colors".

Buy twelve light bulbs and - when you get to the checkout - ask if you
can test whether they are working because "The last time I bought some
from [insert name of rival store] half of them were already blown".
After they find you a socket and you've tested them all, suddenly
remember you wanted a different fitting. Repeat the whole process then
remember you wanted a different wattage. Repeat the whole process yet
again then remember you wanted the special "reflector" spotlight ones.
Eventually remember that the Electricity Company has cut your
power because you've not been paying the bills. Ask them where they
keep the candles.

You know you are addicted to the internet when...

Tech Support calls you for help.
Someone at work tells you a joke and you say LOL.
You watch TV with the closed captioning turned on.
You keep begging your friends to get an account so "we can hang
out." Three words: Carpal Tunnel Syndrome.
You want to meet someone new and your first impulse is to
turn on your computer.
You've ever gotten onto an airplane just to meet some folks face to face.
You have to get a second phone line just so you can call Domino's.
You have ever joined "Si habla Espanol" (the Spanish chat room)
"just to work on my Spanish."
You've ever typed "drinking on IRC is better than drinking alone."
You go into labor and you stop to type a special e-mail letting
everyone know you are going to be away. For just a little while.
You have a vanity car tag with your screen name on it.
You no longer type with proper punctuation; Capitalization - or
complete sentences... like the ones that run On and On and you
never know when they are going to End or not but you don't really
care anyway because you're online and nobody uses that stuff anyway
You have met more than 100 AOL subscribers. In person.
You begin to say "heh heh heh" instead of laughing.
Someone at the office says, "What did you say?" and you reply "Scroll up!"
You find yourself sneaking away to the computer in the middle of
the night when your spouse is alseep.
You turn down the lights and close the blinds so people won't
know you are online again.
You know more about your AOL friends daily routines than you do
your own spouse's.
You find yourself lying to others about your time online, and
when they complain that your phone was busy you claim it was off
the hook. Or that the dog ate it.
You have an identity crisis if someone else is using a screen
name similar to yours.
You would rather tell people your bloodshot eyes are from
partying too much instead of being online all night.
You change screen names so much that you have to get your profile
to see who you are.
You're broke, your modem burns out, and then you go out on the
streets to sell your belongings so you can get a new one.
You marry your cyberboyfriend and you both sit at your own
computers and chat to each other from across the room.
Your dog leaves you.
You have to ask what time it is.
You have to ask what day it is.
You have written a letter like this: "dear tom, hiyas! how r u
doin well i gotta go bbl!"
You have a map on the wall with red thumbtacks to show the
locations of people you have met in person.
You look at an annoying person offline and wish you had your
ignore button handy.
You bring a bag lunch to the computer.
Your significant other kisses your neck while you are chatting
and you think "Uh oh... a cyber sex perv's after me!"
You have withdrawals if you are away from the computer for more
than a few hours.
You use online lingo in real life (applies only to those who
still have a real life).
You take a speed reading course to keep up with the scrolling.
Your notify list has over 100 people on it.
You have blocked more than 100 people from putting you on their
buddy lists.
Your worst comeback to a bully is "I'll slap you with a rubber
chicken."
You wake up in the morning and get online before you have your
first cup of coffee.
You have your computer set up so that it goes online at startup.
You don't know where the time has gone.
You end sentences with three (or more) periods while writing
letters in longhand.
You get up at 2:00 am to go the bathroom but go turn on your
computer "to check for mail."
You spell things out loud instead of actually saying the word.
You don't even notice typos anymore. And you work as a
proofreader.
Twenty-three people greet you with {{{Hugs}}} or ***Kisses***
when you enter a room.
You get mad when twenty-three people don't greet you with
{{{Hugs}}} or ***Kisses*** when you enter a room.
You stop typing whole words and use things like ppl, dunno and lemme.
Your voice mail message is "BRB, leave your screen name and I
will TTYL." And people do.
You type faster than you think.
You got your psychiatrist addicted to AOL and are now undergoing
therapy in private rooms instead of at the office.
You want your computer to be buried with you when you die... or vice versa.
You actually enjoy the fact that you are addicted.
You can actually read and follow all the names of the cast that
scrolls up your TV screen at the end of a movie, including the
Best Boy, Dolly Grip and Production Accountant.
People say, "If it weren't for the super reflexes in your eyes
and fingers, you would have classified as a vegetable long ago."
You dream in text.
Being called a newbie is a MAJOR insult
There is absolutely no interesting chat in the room and you are
really bored - yet you don't want to leave in case you miss something.
You double click your TV remote.
You can now type over 70 WPM.
You think about starting a 12 step recovery group for AOL junkies.
You are on the phone for a minute and need to do something else
you say "BRB" or "BBL."
You check your e-mail and forget you have real mail.
You go into withdrawals during dinner. (Note: This does not apply
to single people, who take their meals at the keyboard).
You spend at least 30 minutes making sure you say goodbye to
everyone in a room.
You stop speaking in full sentences.
You have gone into an unstaffed Tech Support room and ended up
giving advice to other addicts.
You have to be pried from your computer with the Jaws Of Life.
The Jaws Of Life don't do the trick.
Your last sexual experience was really just a textual experience.
While cooking dinner, you "just wanted to check your mail," and
while you were there you "just wanted to see who was on." The
resulting fire caused $12,000 in damage.
You meet people from AOL in public and have no idea what their
real name is, so you call them by their screen names.

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