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TITANIC:-
(Scene 1)
KATE WINSLET: Why, this is a fancy boat, isn't it?
KATE'S WEASELLY FIANCÉ:
Yes it certainly is. Here is the art you
asked for. It is by an artist
named "Picasso." I am certain he will
amount to nothing.
KATE: Ha ha ha. That is very
funny to our 90's audience, because they
know this priceless paintings
will sink with the boat.
LEONARDO DICAPRIO: Hello, I'm
Leonardo DiCaprio. Perhaps you have
seen the many Internet sites
dedicated to the worship of me. You
are very pretty.
KATE: Thank you. So are you.
LEONARDO: I know. Prettier than
you, in fact. I am going to put on my
"brooding" face now, to ensure
that women will keep coming back
again and again to see this
movie. Later, my white shirt will be
soaking wet.
KATE: While you're doing that,
I will concentrate on standing here
and looking pretty, to keep
the men in the audience interested
until the boat sinks and people
start dying.
WEASELLY FIANCÉ: Excuse
me. I do not like you, Leonardo, even though
you saved my fiancee's life.
I am going to sneer at you and treat
you like dirt because you're
poor, and then I'll probably be
physically abusive to my fiancee,
and then, just to make sure the
audience really hates me, and
to make sure my character is entirely one
dimensional, perhaps I'll throw
an elderly person into the water.
AUDIENCE: Boo! We hate you! Even
though all real people have at least
a few admirable qualities, we
have not been shown any of yours,
and plus, you're trying to come
between Leonardo and Kate, and so
therefore we hate you! Boo!
(Even though technically it is Leonardo
who is coming between you and
Kate. But Leonardo is handsomer than you,
even though he is only 13, so
we are on his side. Boo!)
***
(Scene 2)
LEONARDO: I'm glad we snuck away
like this so that you could
cheat on your fiancé.
KATE: So am I. Even though I
am engaged to him and have made a
commitment to marry him, that
is no reason why you and I cannot
climb into the backseat of a
car and steam up the windows together.
The fact that I am the heroine
of the movie will no doubt help the
cattle-like audience forgive
me of this, though they would probably
be VERY angry indeed if my fiancé
were to do the same thing to me.
AUDIENCE: Darn straight we would! Moo! We mean, Boo!
LEONARDO: I agree. First, I would
like to draw you, though, so of
course you have to take off
your clothes.
KATE: But can a movie with five
minutes of continuous nudity be at all
successful in say, Provo, Utah,
where the audiences might not stand for
that sort of thing?
LEONARDO: I would be willing
to bet that for the first three weeks the
film is in release, every single
showing at Wynnsong Theatre in Provo will
sell out.
NARRATOR: According to Wynnsong
manager Matt Palmer, that is exactly
what happened.
KATE: All right, then. (sound of clothes hitting the floor)
***
(Scene 3)
FIRST MATE: Captain, we're about to hit an iceberg.
CAPTAIN: Great, I could use some ice for my drink. (sound of drinking)
ICEBERG: (hits boat)
FIRST MATE: That can't be good.
CAPTAIN: Bottoms up!
AUDIENCE: (silence)
FIRST MATE: That was irony, you fools.
AUDIENCE: Baa! Moo! Where's Leonardo?
***
(Scene 4)
LEONARDO: I have been informed that this boat is sinking
KATE: That is terrible
LEONARDO: Would you like to engage
in some more immoral-but-justified
behaviour?
KATE: Certainly.
WEASELLY FIANCÉ: (aside)
I'm getting the raw end of the deal
here: (to Leonardo) Listen,
Leonardo, to cement my morally-dubious-yet
somehow-less- annoying-than-you
personality, I am going to handcuff you
to this pipe, here in a room
that will soon be filling with water, due to
the fact that we are sinking,
which I believe has been mentioned previously.
LEONARDO: Why don't you just shoot me?
WEASELLY FIANCÉ: Because
then you wouldn't be able to escape and save
Kate from me. Of course, you're
going to die anyway-
AUDIENCE: Don't spoil it for us! Boo!
LEONARDO: He's right, though. I am doomed.
AUDIENCE: Aww, look how cute he is when he's doomed.
WEASELLY FIANCÉ: I hate you people.
***
(Scene 5)
150-YEAR-OLD-KATE: And that's
when Leonardo rescued me from my evil
fiancé and helped me
float on a board in the water. Of course, if it
hadn't been for having to rescue
HIM, I could have gotten on an
actual lifeboat, and not frozen
my legs nearly off. Anyway, he's pretty
much dead now, and I'm well
over a thousand years old, and who's making my
supper? I need a bath. Turn
down that Enya music, it's making my ears
hurt. You kids today, with your
loud music. Why, when I was - hey!
Don't you walk away from me,
Mr. Snooty- Patootie! I'd turn you over my
knee, if I had one. I'll beat
you in the head with this huge diamond!
Come back here you rotter!
(Fade to black; roll credits; play Celine Dion song.)
Things we've learned fromt the movies...
1 .All beds have special L-shaped
cover sheets which reach
up to the armpit level on a
woman but only to waist level
on the man lying beside her.
2 If being chased through town,
you can usually take cover in a
passing St. Patrick's Day parade
- at any time of the year.
3. All grocery shopping bags
contain at least one stick
of French Bread.
4. Once applied, lipstick will
never rub off - even while
SCUBA diving
5. During all police investigations
it will be necessary to
visit a strip club at least
once.
6. All telephone numbers in America begin with the digits 555.
7. The Eiffel Tower can be seen from any window in Paris
8. Should you wish to pass yourself
off as a German officer, it
will not be necessary to speak
the language. A German accent will do.
9. Most laptop computers are
powerful enough to override the
communication systems of any
invading alien civilization.
10. If staying in a haunted house,
women should investigate
any strange noises in their
most revealing underwear.
11. It is always possible to
park directly outside the
building you are visiting.
12. All bombs are fitted with
electronic timing devices with large
red readouts so you know exactly
when they're going to go off.
13. When they are alone, all
non-native English speakers prefer
to speak English to each other.
14. When paying for a taxi, don't
look at your wallet as you
take out a bill - just grab
one at random and hand it over.
It will always be the exact
fare.
15. A man will show no pain while
taking the most ferocious
beating but will wince when
a woman tries to clean his wounds.
THINGS COMPUTERS CAN DO IN MOVIES
1. Word processors never display a cursor.
2. You never have to use the space-bar when typing long sentences.
3. Movie characters never make typing mistakes.
4. All monitors display inch-high letters.
5. High-tech computers, such
as those used by NASA, the CIA or some such
governmental institution, will
have easy to understand graphical
interfaces.
6. Those that don't have graphical
interfaces will have incredibly
powerful text-based command
shells that can correctly understand and
execute commands typed in plain
English.
7. Note: Command line interfaces
will give you access to any information
you want by simply typing, "ACCESS
THE SECRET FILES" on any near-by
keyboard.
8. You can also infect a computer
with a destructive virus by simply
typing "UPLOAD VIRUS". (See
"Fortress".)
9. All computers are connected.
You can access the information on the
villain's desktop computer even
if it's turned off.
10. Powerful computers beep whenever
you press a key or the screen
changes. Some computers also
slow down the output on the screen so
that it doesn't go faster than
you can read. (Really advanced
computers will also emulate
the sound of a dot-matrix printer.)
11. All computer panels operate
on thousands of volts and have explosive
devices underneath their surface.
Malfunctions are indicated by a
bright flash of light, a puff
of smoke, a shower of sparks and an
explosion that causes you to
jump backwards.
12. People typing on a computer
can safely turn it off without saving the
data.
13. A hacker is always able to
break into the most sensitive computer in
the world by guessing the secret
password in two tries.
14. You may bypass "PERMISSION
DENIED" message by using the "OVERRIDE"
function. (See "Demolition Man".)
15. Computers only take 2 seconds
to boot up instead of the average 2
minutes for desktop PCs and
30 minutes or more for larger systems that
can run 24 hours, 365 days a
year without a reset.
16. Complex calculations and
loading of huge amounts of data will be
accomplished in under three
seconds. Movie modems usually appear to
transmit data at the speed of
two gigabytes per second.
17. When the power plant/missile
site/main computer overheats, all control
panels will explode shortly
before the entire building will.
18. If you display a file on
the screen and someone deletes the file, it
also disappears from the screen
(See "Clear and Present Danger").
19. If a disk contains encrypted
files, you are automatically asked for a
password when you insert it.
20. Computers can interface with
any other computer regardless of the
manufacturer or galaxy where
it originated. (See "Independence Day".)
21. Computer disks will work
on any computer has a floppy drive and all
software is usable on any platforms.
22. The more high-tech the equipment, the more buttons it will have.
23. Note: You must be highly
trained to operate high-tech computers
because the buttons have no
labels except for the "SELF-DESTRUCT"
button.
24. Most computers, no matter how small, have reality-defying
three-dimensional active animation,
photo-realistic graphics
capabilities.
25. Laptops always have amazing
real-time video phone capabilities and
performance similar to a CRAY
Supercomputer.
26. Whenever a character looks
at a monitor, the image is so bright that
it projects itself onto their
face.
27. Searches on the Internet
will always return what you are looking for
no matter how vague your keywords
are. (See "Mission Impossible",
Tom Cruise searches with keywords
like "file" and "computer" and 3
results are returned.)
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