1. First and foremost, we are not obligated to do it.
2. Extension to rule #1 - So if you get one, be grateful.
3. I don't care WHAT they did in the porn video you saw, it is not standard
practice to cum on someone's face.
4. Extension to rule #3 - No, I DON'T have to swallow.
5. My ears are NOT handles.
6. Extension to rule #5 - do not push on the top of my head. Last I heard,
deep throat had been done. And additionally, do you really WANT puke on your dick?
7. I don't care HOW relaxed you get, it is NEVER OK to fart.
8. Having my period does not mean that it's "hummer week" - get it through
your head - I'm bloated and I feel like shit so no, I don't feel particularly
obligated to blow you just because YOU can't have sex right now.
9. Extension to #8 - "Blue Balls" might have worked on high school girls - if
you're that desperate, go jerk off and leave me alone with my Midol.
10. If I have to pause to remove a pubic hair from my teeth, don't tell me
I've just "wrecked it" for you.
11. Leaving me in bed while you go play video games immediately afterwards is
highly inadvisable if you would like my behaviour to be repeated in the future.
12. If you like how we do it, it's probably best not to speculate about the
origins of our talent. Just enjoy the moment and be happy that we're good at
it. See also rule #2 about gratitude.
13. No, it doesn't particularly taste good. And I don't care about the
protein content.
14. No, I will NOT do it while you watch TV.
15. When you hear your friends complain about how they don't get blow jobs
often enough, keep your mouth shut. It is inappropriate to either sympathize or brag.
16. Just because "it's awake" when you get up does not mean I have to "kiss it good morning".

"I'm going fishing."
Really means... "I'm going to drink myself dangerously stupid, and stand by a
stream with a stick in my hand, while the fish swim by in complete safety."
"Let's take your car."
Really means...."Mine is full of beer cans, burger wrappers and completely out
of gas."
"Woman driver."
Really means...."Someone who doesn't speed, tailgate, swear, make obscene
gestures and has a better driving record than me."
"I don't care what color you paint the kitchen."
Really means...."As long as it's not blue, green, pink, red, yellow,
lavender, gray, mauve, black, turquoise or any other color besides white."
"It's a guy thing."
Really means...."There is no rational thought pattern connected with it,
and you have no chance at all of making it logical."
"Can I help with dinner?"
Really means...."Why isn't it already on the table?"
"Uh huh," "Sure, honey," or "Yes, dear."
Really mean....Absolutely nothing. It's a conditioned response like Pavlov's
dog drooling.
"Good idea."
Really means...."It'll never work. And I'll spend the rest of the day gloating."
"Have you lost weight?"
Really means.... "I've just spent our last $30 on a cordless drill."
"My wife doesn't understand me."
Really means...."She's heard all my stories before, and is tired of them."
"It would take too long to explain."
Really means...."I have no idea how it works."
"I'm getting more exercise lately."
Really means...."The batteries in the remote are dead."
"I got a lot done."
Really means...."I found 'Waldo' in almost every picture."
"We're going to be late."
Really means...."Now I have a legitimate excuse to drive like a maniac."
"Hey, I've read all the classics."
Really means...."I've been subscribing to Playboy since 1972."
"You cook just like my mother used to."
Really means...."She used the smoke detector as a meal timer, too."
"I was listening to you. It's just that I have things on my mind."
Really means...."I was wondering if that red-head over there is wearing a bra."
"Take a break, honey, you're working too hard."
Really means.... "I can't hear the game over the vacuum cleaner."
"That's interesting, dear."
Really means...."Are you still talking?"
"Honey, we don't need material things to prove our love."
Really means...."I forgot our anniversary again."
"You expect too much of me."
Really means...."You want me to stay awake."
"It's a really good movie."
Really means...."It's got guns, knives, fast cars, and Heather Locklear."
"That's women's work."
Really means...."It's difficult, dirty, and thankless."
"Will you marry me?"
Really means...."Both my roommates have moved out, I can't find the
washer, and there is no more peanut butter."
"Go ask your mother."
Really means.... "I am incapable of making a decision."
"You know how bad my memory is."
Really means...."I remember the theme song to 'F Troop', the address of
the first girl I ever kissed and the Vehicle Identification Numbers of every
car I've ever owned, but I forgot your birthday."
"I was just thinking about you, and got you these roses."
Really means...."The girl selling them on the corner was a real babe."
"Football is a man's game."
Really means...."Women are generally too smart to play it."
"Oh, don't fuss. I just cut myself, it's no big deal."
Really means...."I have actually severed a limb, but will bleed to death
before I admit I'm hurt."
"I do help around the house."
Really means...."I once put a dirty towel in the laundry basket."
"Hey, I've got my reasons for what I'm doing."
Really means.... "And I sure hope I think of some pretty soon."
"I can't find it."
Really means...."It didn't fall into my outstretched hands, so I'm
completely clueless."
"What did I do this time?"
Really means.... "What did you catch me at?"
"What do you mean, you need new clothes?"
Really means...."You just bought new clothes 3 years ago."
"She's one of those rabid feminists."
Really means...."She refused to make my coffee."
"But I hate to go shopping."
Really means...."I always wind up outside the dressing room holding your purse."
"No, I left plenty of petrol in the car.."
Really means...."You may actually get it to start."
"I'm going to stop off for a quick one with the guys."
Really means...."I am planning on drinking myself into a vegetative
stupor with my chest pounding, mouth breathing, pre-evolutionary companions."
"I heard you."
Really means...."I haven't the foggiest clue what you just said, and am hoping
desperately that I can fake it well enough so that you don't spend the next 3
days yelling at me."
"You know I could never love anyone else."
Really means...."I am used to the way you yell at me, and realize it could be worse."
"You look terrific."
Really means...."Oh, God, please don't try on one more outfit. I'm starving."
"I brought you a present."
Really means...."It was free ice scraper night at the ball game."
"I missed you."
Really means...."I can't find my sock drawer, the kids are hungry and we
are out of toilet paper."
"I'm not lost. I know exactly where we are."
Really means...."No one will ever see us alive again."
"We share the housework."
Really means...."I make the messes, she cleans them up."
"This relationship is getting too serious."
Really means...."I like you more than my truck."
"I recycle."
Really means.... "We could pay the rent with the money from my empties."
"Of course I like it, honey, you look beautiful."
Really means...."Oh, man, what have you done to yourself?"
"It sure snowed last night."
Really means...."I suppose you're going to nag me about shoveling the walk now."
"It's good beer."
Really means...."It was on sale."
"I don't need to read the instructions."
Really means...."I am perfectly capable of screwing it up without printed help."
"I'll fix the garbage disposal later."
Really means...."If I wait long enough you'll get frustrated and buy a new one."
"I broke up with her."
Really means.... "She dumped me."
"I'll take you to a fancy restaurant."
Really means...."Someplace that doesn't have a drive-thru window."

If you work too hard, there is never any time for her.
If you don't work enough, you're a good-for-nothing bum.
If she has a boring repetitive job with low pay, it's exploitation.
If you have a boring repetitive job with low pay, you should get off
your ass and find something better.
If you get a promotion ahead of her, it's favoritism.
If she gets a job ahead of you, it's equal opportunity.
If you mention how nice she looks, it's sexual harassment.
If you keep quiet, it's male indifference.
If you cry, you're a wimp.
If you don't, you're insensitive.
If you make a decision without consulting her, you're a chauvinist pig,
you bastard.
If she makes a decision without consulting you, she's a liberated woman.
If you ask her to do something she doesn't enjoy, that's domination.
If she asks you, it's a favour.
If you try to keep yourself in shape, you're vain.
If you don't, you're a slob.
If you buy her flowers, you're after something.
If you don't, you're not thoughtful.
If you're proud of your achievements, you're an egotist.
If you're not, you're not ambitious.
If she has a headache, she's tired.
If you have a headache, you don't love her anymore, and you must be sleeping around.

"I'm hungry." = I'm hungry.
"I'm sleepy." = I'm sleepy.
"I'm tired." = I'm tired.
"Do you want to go to a movie?" = I'd eventually like to have sex with you.
"Can I take you out to dinner?" = I'd eventually like to have sex with you.
"Can I call you sometime?" = I'd eventually like to have sex with you.
"May I have this dance?" = I'd eventually like to have sex with you.
"Nice dress!" = Nice cleavage!
"You look tense, let me give you a massage." = I want to fondle you.
"What's wrong?" = What meaningless self-inflicted psychological trauma are you
going through now?
"What's wrong?" = I guess sex tonight is out of the question.
"I'm bored." = Do you want to have sex?
"I love you." = Let's have sex now.
"I love you, too." = Okay, I said it...we'd better have sex now!
"Yes, I like the way you cut your hair." = I liked it better before.
"Yes, I like the way you cut your hair." = £50 and it doesn't look that much different!
"Let's talk." = I am trying to impress you by showing that I am a deep personand maybe then you'd like to have sex with me.
"Will you marry me?" = I want to make it illegal for you to have sex with other guys.

1. Phone conversations are over in 30 seconds flat.
2. Movie nudity is virtually always female.
3. You know stuff about cars.
4. A five day holiday requires only one suitcase.
5. Sunday Afternoon Football.
6. You don't have to monitor your friends sex lives.
7. Your bathroom lines are 80% shorter.
8. You can open all your own jars.
9. Old friends don't give you crap if you've lost or gained weight.
10. Dry cleaners and haircutter's don't rob you blind.
11. When clicking through the channels, you don't have to stall on every shot of someone crying.
12. Your ass is never a factor in a job interview.
13. All your orgasms are real.
14. A beer gut does not make you invisible to the opposite sex.
15. Guys in hockey masks don't attack you.
16. You don't have to lug a bag of useful stuff around everywhere you go.
17. You understand why Stripes is funny.
18. You can go to the bathroom without a support group.
19. Your last name stays put.
20. You can leave a hotel bed unmade.
21. When your work is criticised, you don't have to panic that everyone secretly hates you.
22. You can kill your own food.
23. The garage is all yours.
24. You get extra credit for the slightest act of thoughtfulness.
25. You see the humour in Terms of Endearment.
26. Nobody secretly wonders if you swallow.
27. You never have to clean the toilet.
28. You can be showered and ready in 10 minutes.
29. Sex means never worrying about your reputation.
30. Wedding plans take care of themselves.
31. If someone forgets to invite you to something, he or she can still be your friend.
32. Your underwear is $10 for a three pack.
33. The National College Cheerleading Championship
34. None of your co-workers have the power to make you cry.
35. You don't have to shave below your neck.
36. You don't have to curl up next to a hairy ass every night.
37. If you're 34 and single nobody notices.
38. You can write your name in the snow.
39. You can get into a nontrivial pissing contest.
40. Everything on your face stays its original colour.
41. Chocolate is just another snack.
42. You can be president.
43. You can quietly enjoy a car ride from the passenger seat.
44. Flowers fix everything.
45. You never have to worry about other people's feelings.
46. You get to think about sex 90% of your waking hours.
47. You can wear a white shirt to a water park.
48. Three pairs of shoes are more than enough.
49. You can eat a banana in a hardware store.
50. You can say anything and not worry about what people think.
51. Foreplay is optional.
52. Michael Bolton doesn't live in your universe.
53. Nobody stops telling a good dirty joke when you walk into the room.
54. You can whip your shirt off on a hot day.
55. You don't have to clean your apartment if the meter reader is coming by.
56. You never feel compelled to stop a pal from getting laid.
57. Car mechanics tell you the truth.
58. You don't give a rat's ass if someone notices your new haircut.
59. You can watch a game in silence with you buddy for hours without even thinking (he must be mad at me)
60. The world is your urinal.
61. You never misconstrue innocuous statements to mean your lover is about to leave you.
62. You get to jump up and slap stuff.
63. Hot wax never comes near your pubic area.
64. One mood, all the time.
65. You can admire Clint Eastwood without starving yourself to look like him.
66. You never have to drive to another gas station because this one's just too yucky.
67. You know at least 20 ways to open a beer bottle.
68. You can sit with your knees apart no matter what you are wearing.
69. Same work.... more pay.
70. Grey hair and wrinkles add character.
71. You don't have to leave the room to make emergency crotch adjustments.
72. Wedding Dress £2000; Tux rental £100.
73. You don't care if someone is talking about you behind your back.
74. With 400 million sperm per shot, you could double the earth's population in 15 tries, at least in theory.
75. You don't mooch off others' desserts.
76. If you retain water, it's in a canteen.
77. The remote is yours and yours alone.
78. People never glance at your chest when you're talking to them.
79. ESPN's sports centre.
80. You can drop by to see a friend without bringing a little gift.
81. Bachelor parties whomp ass over bridal showers.
82. You have a normal and healthy relationship with your mother.
83. You can buy condoms without the shopkeeper imagining you naked.
84. You needn't pretend you're "freshening up" to go to the bathroom.
85. If you don't call your buddy when you say you will, he won't tell your friends you've changed.
86. Someday you'll be a dirty old man.
****87. You can rationalise any behaviour with the handy phrase "Fuck it!"**** [...my favourite -Moosie]
88. If another guy shows up at the party in the same outfit, you might become lifelong buddies.
89. Princess Di's death was almost just another obituary.
90. The occasional well-rendered belch is practically expected.
91. You never have to miss a sexual opportunity because you're not in the mood.
92. You think the idea of punting a small cat is funny.
93. If something mechanical didn't work, you can bash it with a hammer and throw it across the room.
94. New shoes don't cut, blister, or mangle your feet.
95. Porn movies are designed with your mind in mind.
96. You don't have to remember everyone's birthdays and anniversaries.
97. Not liking a person does not preclude having great sex with them.
98. Your pals can be trusted never to trap you with: "So, notice anything different?"
99. Baywatch
100. There is always a game on somewhere

1. The reason our bras don't always match our underwear is because
WE actually CHANGE our underwear.
2. The next time you and your buddies joke about armed women in
combat, take a poll to see which of you successfully aim at the toilet bowl.
3. If we're watching football with you, it's not bonding. We're
watching because of the butts.
4. If the truth hurts, ask us those ego-sensitive questions on
your payday.
5. Whenever possible, please try to say whatever you have to say
after the movie.
6. Don't fret if you find out that the postman delivers more than
once a day.
7. Please don't drive when you're not driving.
8. Lay off the beans several hours before bedtime.
9. Our bedtime headaches are inversely proportional to the number
of baths that you take.
10. If you were really looking for an honest answer you wouldn't ask in bed.
11. The next time you joke about female drivers, research the
number of accidents caused by rubbernecking at miniskirts.
12. If only women gossip, how do you and your buddies keep track
of "who's easy?"
13. Stop telling us that most male strippers are gay: WE DON'T CARE!
14. Start parting and combing your hair to one side early in life:
You'll never see the island coming.
15. Have a strong need for male bonding? Visit your proctologist.
16. Your contributions to your child should go above and beyond
that chromosome you unselfishly sacrificed.
17. Eye contact is best established above our shoulder level.

1) "I was kidding about being sterile, you know."
2) "Do you always fart like that when someone shoves it in?"
3) "How come it's so BIG in there?"
4) "You've done this with a lotta guys before---right?"
5) "Next time I come over, don't bother with the underwear, OK?"
6) (Sniff, sniff) "Is that CAT food?"
7) (Yelling) "OK guys, it's a wrap, cut, and print it!!"
8) "You are great in bed, but your sister gives better head!"
9) "My first wife was prettier, but you can screw a lot better."
10) "Do you know what a 'douche' is ?"
11) "Maybe if you did some pushups, your boobs would grow."
12) "I want you to try some of MY deodorant."
13) "I'm not into relationships. Can't we just screw, like every Tuesday night or something?"
14) "Maybe if you lost some weight, I could get it all the way in!"
15) "I never saw a girl with hairy tits before !"
16) "I've been getting these little blisters lately-------"
17) "You wanna do those dishes before you leave ?"
18) "You should go wash that, the cabbie will think something DIED in there!"

Take notes, all you Casanovas...
1) NOT KISSING FIRST. Avoiding her lips and diving straight for the
erogenous zones makes her feel like you're paying by the hour and trying to
get your money's worth by cutting out nonessentials. A properly passionate
kiss is the ultimate form of foreplay.
2) BLOWING TOO HARD IN HER EAR. Admit it, some kid at school told you
girls love this. Well, there's a difference between being erotic and
blowing as if you're trying to extinguish the candles on your 50th birthday
cake. That hurts.
3) NOT SHAVING. You often forget you have a porcupine strapped to your
chin which you rake repeatedly across your partner's face and thighs. When
she turns her head from side to side, it's not passion, it's avoidance.
4) SQUEEZING HER BREAST. Most men act like a housewife testing a melon
for ripeness when they get their hands on a pair. Stroke, caress, and smooth them.
5) BITING HER NIPPLES. Why do men fasten onto a woman's nipples, then
clamp down like they're trying to deflate her body via her breasts?
Nipples are highly sensitive. They can't stand up to chewing. Lick and
suck them gently. Flicking your tongue across them is good. Pretending
they're a doggie toy isn't.
6) TWIDDLING HER NIPPLES. Stop doing that thing where you twiddle the
nipples between finger and thumb like you're trying to find a radio station
in a hilly area. Focus on the whole breasts, not just the exclamation points.
7) IGNORING THE OTHER PARTS OF HER BODY. A woman is not a highway with
just three turnoffs: Breastville East and West, and the Midtown Tunnel.
There are vast areas of her body which you've ignored far too often as you
go bombing straight into downtown Vagina. So start paying them some attention.
8) GETTING THE HAND TRAPPED. Poor manual dexterity in the underskirt
region can result in tangled fingers and underpants. If you're going to be
that aggressive, just ask her to take the damn things off.
9) LEAVING HER A LITTLE PRESENT. Condom disposal is the man's
responsibility. You wore it, you store it.
10) ATTACKING THE CLITORIS. Direct pressure is very unpleasant, so gently
rotate your fingers along side of the clitoris.
11) STOPPING FOR A BREAK. Women, unlike men, don't pick up where they
left off. If you stop, they plummet back to square one very fast. If you
can tell she's not there, keep going at all costs, numb jaw or not.
12) UNDRESSING HER AWKWARDLY. Women hate looking stupid, but stupid she
will look when naked at the waist with a sweater stuck over her head.
Unwrap her like an elegant present, not a kid's toy.
13) GIVING HER A WEDGIE DURING FOREPLAY. Stroking her gently through her
panties can be very sexy. Pulling the material up between her thighs and
yanking it back and forth is not.
14) BEING OBSESSED WITH THE VAGINA. Although most men can find the
clitoris without maps, they still believe that the vagina is where it's all
at. No sooner is your hand down there than you're trying to stuff stolen
banknotes up a chimney. This is okay in principle, but if you're not
careful, it can hurt - so don't get carried away. It's best to pay more
attention to her clitoris and the exterior of her vagina at first, then
gently slip a finger inside her and see if she likes it.
15) MASSAGING TOO ROUGHLY. You're attempting to give her a sensual,
relaxing massage to get her in the mood. Hands and fingertips are okay;
elbows and knees are not.
16) UNDRESSING PREMATURELY. Don't force the issue by stripping before
she's at least made some move toward getting your stuff off, even if it's
just undoing a couple of buttons.
17) TAKING YOUR PANTS OFF FIRST. A man in socks and underpants is the
worst. Lose the socks fist.
18) GOING TOO FAST. When you get to the penis-in-vagina situation, the
worst thing you can do is pump away like an industrial power tool -she'll
soon feel like an assembly-line worker made obsolete by your technology.
Build up slowly, with clean, straight, regular thrusts.
19) GOING TOO HARD. If you bash your great triangular hip bones into her
thigh or stomach, the pain is equal to two weeks of horseback riding
concentrated into a few seconds.
20) COMING TOO SOON. Every man's fear. With reason. If you shoot before
you see the whites of her eyes, make sure you have a backup plan to ensure
her pleasure too.
21) NOT COMING SOON ENOUGH. It may appear to you that humping for an hour
without climaxing is the mark of a sex god, but to her it's more likely the
mark of a numb vagina. At least buy some intriguing wall hangings, so she
has something to hold her interest while you're playing Marathon Man.
22) ASKING IF SHE HAS COME. You really ought to be able to tell. Most
women make noise. But if you really don't know, don't ask.
23) PERFORMING ORAL SEX TOO GENTLY. Don't act like a giant cat at a
saucer of milk. Get your whole mouth down there, and concentrate on gently
rotating or flicking your tongue on her clitoris.
24) NUDGING HER HEAD DOWN. Men persist in doing this until she's
eyeball-to-penis, hoping that it will lead very swiftly to mouth-to-penis.
All women hate this. It's about three steps from being dragged to a cave by
their hair. If you want her to use her mouth, use yours; try talking
seductively to her.
25) NOT WARNING HER BEFORE YOU CLIMAX. Sperm tastes like sea water mixed
with egg white. Not everybody likes it. When she's performing oral sex,
warn her before you come so she can do what's necessary.
26) MOVING AROUND DURING FELLATIO. Don't thrust. She'll do all the
moving during fellatio. You just lie there. And don't grab her head.
27) TAKING ETTIQUETTE ADVICE FROM PORN MOVIES. In X-rated movies, women
seem to love it when men ejaculate over them. In real life, it just means
more laundry to do.
28) MAKING HER RIDE ON TOP FOR AGES. Asking her to be on top is fine.
Lying there grunting while she does all the hard work is not. Caress her
gently, so that she doesn't feel quite so much like the captain of a
schooner. And let her have a rest.
29) ATTEMPTING ANAL SEX AND PRETENDING IT WAS AN ACCIDENT. This is how
men earn a reputation for not being able to follow directions. If you want
to put it there, ask her first. And don't think that being drunk is an excuse.
30) TAKING PICTURES. When a man says, "Can I take a photo of you?"
she'll hear the words "__to show my buddies." At least let her have custody of them.
31) NOT BEING IMAGINATIVE ENOUGH. Imagination is anything from drawing
patterns on her back to pouring honey on her and licking it off. Fruit,
vegetables, ice and feathers are all handy props; hot candle wax and
permanent dye are a no no.
32) SLAPPING YOUR STOMACH AGAINT HERS. There is no less erotic noise.
It's as sexy as a belching contest.
33) ARRANGING HER IN STUPID POSES. If she wants to do advanced yoga in
bed, fine, but unless she's a Romanian gymnast, don't get too ambitious.
Ask yourself if you want a sexual partner with snapped hamstrings.
34) LOOKING FOR HER PROSTATE. Read this carefully: Anal stimulation
feels good for men because they have a prostate. Women don't.
35) GIVING LOVE BITES. It is highly erotic to exert some gentle suction
on the sides of the neck, if you do it carefully. No woman wants to have to
wear turtlenecks and jaunty scarves for weeks on end.
36) BARKING INSTRUCTIONS. Don't shout encouragement like a coach with a
megaphone. It's not a big turn-on.
37) TALKING DIRTY. It makes you sound like a lonely magazine editor
calling a 0898 number. If she likes nasty talk, she'll let you know.
38) NOT CARING WHETHER SHE COMES. You have to finish the job. Keep on
trying until you get it right, and she might even do the same for you.
39) SQUASHING HER. Men generally weigh more than women, so if you lie on
her a bit too heavily, she will turn blue.
40) THANKING HER. Never thank a woman for having sex with you. Your
bedroom is not a soup kitchen.

- What's the world's thinnest book in the world?
What men know about women.
- How many men does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
One...Men will screw anything.
- What is a man's idea of foreplay?
A half hour of begging.
- How can you tell if a man is sexually excited?
He's breathing.
- What's the difference between men and government bonds?
Bonds mature.
- How do you save a man from drowning?
Take your foot off his head.
- What do men and beer bottles have in common?
They are both empty from the neck up.
- How can you tell if a man is happy?
Who cares?
- How many men does it take to change a roll of toilet paper?
We don't know -- it's never been done before.
- How are men and parking places alike?
The good ones are always taken and the ones that are left are
handicapped.
- What's a man's idea of helping with the housework?
Lifting his legs so you can vacuum.
- What's the difference between a man and E.T.?
E.T. phoned home.
- What does a man consider a seven course dinner?
A hot dog and a six pack of beer.

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