Back to Moosie Mailings
Little johnny comes home from
school with a note from his teacher,
- first, johnny, I want you to
take off my blouse...
- ok, now take off my skirt...
- now take off my bra...
- and now, johnny, please take
off my panties.
The next day his father walked
by the bathroom and heard his son
Eleven years later, Little Johnny's
father, wondering if his son still
"Sure,"
Little Johnny replied. "They go round the back of the church yard."
Teacher: Little Johnny, go to
the map and find North America.
Late one night, little Johnny
woke up to the some loud noises coming
Little Johnny's mother sent Little
Johnny to the store to get a loaf of bread..
Little Johnny was puzzled as
to his origin. "How did I get here, Mommy?" he asked.
Little Johnny greeted his mother
at the door after she had been out of town
Lil' Johnny's mother took her
5 year old son with her to the bank on a
A salesman rang the door bell
and little Johnny answered. The salesman
A new teacher was trying to make
use of her psychology courses. She
Little Johnny was in school one
day when the teacher brought around cookies
Little Johnny was playing in
the garden and pulled a worm out of a hole.
Little Johnny and his grandfather
are fishing. Granddad pulls out a beer
One Sunday morning the pastor
noticed little Johnny was standing
A married woman is having an
affair. Whenever her lover comes over, she
Teacher: I hope I didn't see
you looking at Don's paper.
A Teacher asks the children to
discuss what their Dad's do for a living.
Teacher: Why are you late?
Teacher; Didn't you promise to
behave?
Little Johnny: Teacher, would
you punish me for something I didn't do?
Teacher: How can one person make
so many stupid mistakes in one day?
Teacher: Are you chewing gum?
Links around this site:
indicating that "johnny seems
to be having some difficulty
with the differences between
boys and girls," and would his
mother, "please sit down and
have a talk with johnny about this."
so johnny's mother takes him
quietly, by the hand, upstairs to
her bedroom, and closes the
door.
so unbuttons her blouse and
takes it off.
and he takes off her skirt.
which he does.
and when johnny finishes removing
those, she says,
"johnny, PLEASE don't wear any
of my clothes to school any more!"
following the six steps,
"one, two, three, four, five,
six."
followed the six steps, passed
the bathroom. He heard his son saying,
"one, two, three, five, three,
five, three, five, three, five, three,
five, three, five, three, five,.......,
three, five, three, aaahhhhhh!!!
four, five, six."
Little Johnny: Here it is!
Teacher: Correct. Now, class,
who discovered America?
Class: Little Johnny!
from his parents' bedroom. He
got out of bed and walked down the hall
towards his parents room. Before
he made it to the end of the hall,
the noises had ceased and the
bathroom light had gone on..
Little Johnny walked into the
bathroom and saw his father removing a used condom..
"Daddy, what are you doing?"
asked little Johnny..
His father looked around nervously
wondering what he could tell his son..
I, um, I'm just checking out
the bathroom for mice." replied his father..
Johnny looked at his father
with a gaze of confusion and said, "Well, what
are you doing? Fucking them?"
Little Johnny is coming home
from the store swinging the loaf of bread in
one hand and the other hand
in his trousers pocket..
Along come Priest Joe and he
thinks to himself, "This is a good opportunity
to say something from the bible
to Little Johnny."
He walks up to Little Johnny
and says, "I see Little Johnny that you have
the Staff of Life in one hand.
What do you have in the other?"
Little Johnny replies, "A loaf
of bread Father."
His mother said, using a well-worn
phrase, "God sent you."
"And did God send YOU, too Mommy?",
asked Johnny.
"Yes, Johnny, He did.", she
replied.
"And GRANDMA and GREAT-GRANDMA
and DADDY, too?"
Again the answer was "Yes, Johnny,
He did."
Little Johnny shook his head
in disbelief. "Then you mean to tell me no one in this family has gotten
laid for 200 years?!?!? No wonder everyone is so damn cranky!"
all week and said, "Mommy, guess
what? Yesterday, I was playing in the
closet in your bedroom and Daddy
came into the room with the lady from next
door and they got undressed
and they got into bed and then Daddy got on top
of her and -"
The mother held up her hand
and said, "Not another word! Wait until your
father gets home and then I
want you to tell him exactly what you've just told me."
The father comes home and the
wife tells him that she's leaving him.. "But
why?" croaks the husband. "Go
ahead, Johnny, tell Daddy just what you told
me." "Well," said little Johnny,
"I was playing in your closet and Daddy
came upstairs with the lady
next door and they got undressed and they got
into bed and Daddy got on top
of her and they did just what you did, Mommy, with Uncle Bob.
busy Friday. They were in line
behind a rather obese lady wearing a
business suit, complete with
a pager. As the mother patiently waited,
Lil' Johnny looked at the women
in front of him and observed loudly,
"Hey, Mom, she's REALLY FAT."
The lady looked at Johnny, made
eye contact with his mother and gave an
understanding smile. Lil' Johnny
received a quiet reprimand.
After a minute or two, Lil'
Johnny spread his hands as far as they will
go and loudly said, "I bet her
butt is *that* wide."
At this the lady glared at Johnny.
His embarrassed mother severely
scolds her son.
Again after a couple of minutes
Lil' Johnny stated loudly, "Look how the
fat hangs over her belt."
The lady turned and told Johnny's
mother to control her rude child and
his mother threatened him with
his very life and existence.
Things in the bank are quiet.
The lady moved to the front of the line
when her pager begins to emit
its distinctive tone.
Lil' Johnny yelled in a panic
at the top of his voice, "RUN FOR YOUR
LIFE MOM, SHE'S BACKING UP!!!!"
asked if his father was at home.
Johnny said, "Yes." The salesman said,
"Well, can I see him please?"
Johnny snickered and said, "No, he is in the shower."
Then the salesman asked if his
mother was at home. Johnny said, "Yes."
The salesman said, "Well can
I see her?" Johnny snickered again and said,
"No, she's in the shower too."
The salesman then asked, "Do
you think they will be out soon?" Johnny
laughed this time and said "No."
The salesman asked, "Why?"
"Well", Johnny said, "when my
dad asked me for the Vaseline, I gave him
some Super Glue."
started her class by saying,
"Everyone who thinks you're stupid, stand up!"
After a few seconds, Little
Johnny stood up.
The teacher said, "Do you think
you're stupid, Little Johnny?"
"No, ma'am, but I hate to see
you standing there all by yourself!"
for snack time. "Here, Little
Johnny, have a cookie." "I don't fucking
want one," declared Johnny..
The teacher was shocked. She
called Little Johnny's mother and scheduled
her to come in for a meeting
the next day. When Little Johnny's mother
arrived, the teacher had her
hide behind the curtain until snack time came
around. As she came to Little
Johnny, she again told him "Here Little
Johnny...It's time for your
cookie." "I don't fucking want one," stated
Little Johnny again..
The teacher pulled aside the
curtain and said to his mother, "See?
Did you hear what he said?"
"So don't fucking give him one,"
said Little Johnny's mother..
"I bet you a dollar you can't
put the worm back into the hole,"
his granddad said.
Johnny rushed indoors. Twenty
minutes later, he reappeared. The
worm was as stiff as a pencil
and Johnny slid it back into the hole.
"That is amazing said the granddad,
handing him over the cash.
"How did you do it?"
Johnny said he borrowed his
big sister's hairspray and sprayed
the worm until it became stiff
and hard.
Next day, Johnny was playing
in the garden again. His granddad
came out and gave him another
dollar.
"But you gave me a dollar yesterday,"
Johnny reminded him.
"I know," his granddad replied.
"This is from your grandma."
and Little Johnny says "Grandpa,
can I have one of those?" Grandpa says
"Is your penis big enough to
touch your asshole?"
To which Little Johnny responds
"No."
"Then you can't have one."
A while later, granddad pulls
out a cigar and Little Johnny asks, "Can I
have one of those?"
Grandpa says "Is your penis
big enough to touch your asshole?"
Little Johnny responds "No."
"Then you can't have one."
Later on, Grandpa and Little
Johnny go to the grocery store for food and
each buy a lottery ticket. Grandpa
is unlucky, but the Little Johnny wins $50,000.
Grandpa says, "Great, your going
to split that with me, right?" Little
Johnny asks, "Grandpa, is your
penis long enough to touch your asshole?"
"Yes," Says grandpa.
"Then go fuck yourself."
staring up at the large plaque
that hung in the foyer of the church.
The young man of seven had been
staring at the plaque for some time,
so the pastor walked up and
stood beside him and gazing up at the
plaque he said quietly, "Good
morning son."
"Good morning pastor" replied
the young man not taking his eyes off
the plaque. "Sir, what is this?"
Johnny asked.
"Well son, these are all the
people who have died in the service",
replied the pastor.
Soberly, they stood together
staring up at the large plaque.
Little Johnny's voice barely
broke the silence when he
asked quietly, "Which one sir,
the 8:30 or the 10:30?"
puts her nine year old son in
the closet. One day the woman hears a car
in the driveway and puts her
lover in the closet, as well.
Inside the closet, the little
boy says, "It's dark in here, isn't it?"
"Yes it is," the man replies.
"You wanna buy a baseball?" the little boy
asks. "No thanks," the man replies.
"I think you do want to buy
a baseball," the little extortionist
continues. "O.K. How much?"
the man replies after considering the
position he is in. "Twenty-five
dollars," the little boy replies.
"TWENTY-FIVE DOLLARS?!" the
man repeats incredulously, but complies to
protect his hidden position.
The following week, the lover
is visiting the woman again when she hears a
car in the driveway and, again,
places her lover in the closet with her
little boy. "It's dark in here,
isn't it?" the boy starts off. "Yes it
is," replies the man. "Wanna
buy a baseball glove?" the little boy asks.
"O.K. How much?" the hiding
lover responds, acknowledging his
disadvantage. "Fifty dollars,"
the boy replies and the transaction is
completed.
The next weekend, the little
boy's father says "Hey, son. Go get your ball
and glove and we'll play some
catch." "I can't. I sold them," replies
the little boy. "How much did
you get for them?" asks the father,
expecting to hear the profit
in terms of lizards and candy. "Seventy-five
dollars," the little boy says.
"SEVENTY-FIVE DOLLARS?! That's thievery!
I'm taking you to the church
right now. You must confess your sin and ask
for forgiveness", the father
explains as he hauls the child away.
At the church, the little boy
goes into the confessional, draws the
curtain, sits down, and says
"It's dark in here, isn't it?" "Don't you
start that shit in here now,"
the priest says.
Little Johnny: I hope you didn't
either.
Little Mary says: "My Dad is
a lawyer. He puts the bad guys in jail."
Little Jack says: "My Dad is
a doctor. He makes all the sick people better."
All the kids in the class had
their turn except Little Johnny.
Teacher says: "Johnny, what
does your Dad do ?"
Johnny says: "My Dad is dead."
"I'm sorry to hear that, but
what did he do before he died ?"
"He turned blue and shit on
the carpet."
Little Johnny: Because of the
sign.
Teacher: What sign?
Little Johnny: The one that
says, "School Ahead, Go Slow. "That's what I did.
Little Johnny: Yes, sir.
Teacher: And didn't I promise
to punish you if you didn't?
Little Johnny: Yes, sir, but
since I broke my promise, you didn't have to keep yours.
Teacher: Of course not.
Little Johnny: Good, because
I didn't do my homework.
Little Johnny: I get up early.
Little Johnny: No, I'm Little
Johnny.
Click here to go see baby pictures and other exciting stuff to make you
wet yourself.
