Sing along to "Summer Lovin'" from Grease

Bill: "Summer intern, had me a blast"
Monica: "White house intern, happened so fast"
Bill: "Met a girl, crazy for me"
Monica: "Met the prez, down on my knees"
Bill: "Summer days, sucking away, oh, i, but those summer nights"

Investigation Committee: "Well, ah.. well, ah....well, ah. uh
Tell us more, tell us more"
Linda Trip: "Try to remember your best"
Investigation Committee: "Tell us more, tell us more"
Kenneth Star: "Did he come on your dress?"

Bill: "Wanted to screw her but she had a cramp"
Monica: "The prez is sexy - he makes my panties damp"
Bill:"She gave me head, right in the White House"
Monica: "I said OK, just don't come in my mouth:

Investigation Committee: "Well, ah.. well, ah....well, ah. uh
Tell us more, tell us more"
Linda Trip: "he sounds like a swell guy"
Investigation Committee: "Tell us more, tell us more"
Kenneth Star: "Did he tell you to lie?"

Bill: "Press found out, it turned into a mess"
Monica: "He gave me fifty bucks to buy a new dress"
Bill: "She promised to lie, she made a vow"
Monica: "Wonder who is servicing him now"

Bill & Monica: "Sex filled dreams, ripped at the seams
But.........oh........Those White House Nights"

What 'help wanted' ad did Monica Lewinsky answer?
Be a White House intern, and get a taste of the Presidency!

There's a new Bill Clinton computer coming out soon.
It will have a six inch hard drive, but no memory.

Did you hear that when this scandal is over that Monica plans to
sell her story?
She said she will tell it Blow by Blow.

What's Monica going to title her memories? "How to suckseed in the
Oval Office without really trying!"

Why does Bill Clinton wear underwear?
To keep his ankles warm.

What do Monica Lewinsky and Soda Pop machines have in common?
They both have slots which say "Insert 'Bill" here."

Q) Why are Monica Lewinsky's cheeks so puffy?
A) She's withholding evidence!

Q: What do Monica Lewinsky and Bob Dole have in common?
A: They were both upset when Bill finished first.

Q: What is Bill's definition of safe sex?
A: When Hillary is out of town.

Q: What is the difference between Clinton and the Titanic?
A: Only 200 women went down on the Titanic.

Q. What does Bill say to Hillary after a romantic interlude?
A: "Honey, I'll be home in 20 minutes."

Q: Why does Bill Clinton cheat on Hillary?
A: He wants to be on top.

Q: How did Bill Clinton paralyze Hillary from the waist down?
A: He married her.

Q: How many women does it take to satisfy Bill Clinton's sexual appetite?
A: It Takes A Village!

Q: How does Bill Clinton teach a woman to golf?
A: He starts with the irons and ends up in the woods.

Q: When did Clinton realize Paula Jones wasn't a Democrat?
A: When she didn't swallow everything he presented.

"One thing's for sure about Clinton...
He sure doesn't neglect domestic affairs!"

Q: What's the difference between Bill Clinton and a gigolo?
A: A gigolo can only screw one person at a time.

Q: What's the definition of an Arkansas Virgin?
A: A girl that can run faster than the Governor.

Q: What does Teddy Kennedy have that Bill Clinton wishes *he* did?
A: A dead girlfriend.

Q: Why did Bill go out to sea on an aircraft carrier?
A: To promote off-shore drilling.

Q: What game did Bill Clinton want Paula Jones to play?
A: Swallow the leader

Q: Why is Clinton so interested in events in the Middle East?
A: He thinks the Gaza Strip is a topless bar.

Q: Why are there no book marks in the White House?
A: Because they bend all the pages over.

Q: What does Monica Lewinsky have on her Resume?
A: "Sat on the Presidential Staff"

What's the latest game played at the White House?
Swallow the leader.

How did 500 women sampled at random respond when asked if they would
have sex with Bill Clinton?
86% responded "Not again."

What's the difference between Watergate and Zippergate?
At least this time, there's no doubt about the identity of Deep Throat.

What advice did Yasar Arafat give Clinton in their meeting last week?"Bill....Goats don't talk!!"

What do Bill and Ross Perot have in common?
They both heard a giant sucking sound

What was the draft title of Hillary's book?
"It Takes a Village to Satisfy my Husband"

Who were Monica's closest friends during her internship?
Kneel and Bobb

Has the President changed his official title?
Yes, from Commander-in-Chief to Seaman First Class

What was Clinton's excuse this time? "I didn't impale"

The IRS wants to audit Monica Lewinsky to see if she's claimed the money
she saved by eating at Bill's

Bill and Monica were made for each other.
Monica has a crooked mouth.

What's the difference between Vince Foster, Ron Brown, and Monica
Lewinsky?
Monica is the only one who took a shot in the head from Bill and lived
to tell about it.

You know how when Clinton was confronted with smoking pot??? His reply
months later was that he did in fact smoke pot but he didnt inhale....
Now with the Monica thing hes going to say....
Alright, I had sex with her...But I didnt come!

Gifts to White House Interns:
For services rendered....male interns...pen and pencil sets....female
interns...knee pads.

When asked if I was going to watch Clinton's State Of The Union Address,
I replied, "why would I want to listen to Clinton blow his own horn for an hour?" Then the
thought occured to me, if Clinton could blow his own horn, he wouldn't be in this mess.

Who are the three most dangerous women in Washington?
1.Monica Lewinsky with a lawyer
2.Hillary Clinton with a theory
3.An intern with a chipped tooth

What do Monica and O.J. Simpson have in common?
They both suffer from sore knees!

"Our good friend, a man I admire deeply, former President Jimmy Carter
has been hospitalized for the treatment of a skin rash. He's gonna be fine,
but if any Democratic president came down with a skin rash, I think it'd be Clinton."
from Jay Leno

What is Monica Lewinsky's favorite instrument?
Well, she's pretty good on the piano, but she sucked on the organ.

The former Surgeon General was discussing who is the easiest to operate
on with some friends. One surgeon said engineers were the easiest to operate
on because their insides were colour coded. One surgeon said librarians were
the easiest because their insides were arranged in alphabetical order.
Elders said that Clinton was the easiest person to operate on by far. He
has no guts, no spine, no heart and his dick and brain are interchangeable!

Clinton broke the 11th Commandment:
Thou shalt not put thy rod in thy staff.

Hillary Clinton may be the First Lady, but she certainly isn't the last.

What did Ms. Lewinsky allegedly say when offered a position at the the U.N?
Would that, then, be a "missionary position?"

Why did Monica get the job in the White House in the first place? WhenBill asked for references he heard "she sucks".

Sears is making a tool in honor of Bill Clinton....the Clinton
driver...screws everything guaranteed.

After the scandal is over, Monica will have to decide on a career path. It
has been determined that she is a "shoein" for those milk mustache ads

Q. what is the difference between JFK and Bill Clinton?
A. One got his head blown off in a limo, and the other was assassinated.

THE TRAGIC COMEDY OF KING LEER

Scene 1. A forest glen.
Enter Witch Tripp and Kenneth of Starr.

Witch Tripp:
Double, double, Webster Hubbell,
I think I got the Creep in trouble.
Eye of Newt, strap of bra,
Could it be he broke some law?
Praise this broth utmost ephemeral,
Heavens! I left out my Essence of Emeril!
Hark! Who trespasses so near?

Kenneth of Starr: 'Tis I, the Inquisitor. What news?

Witch Tripp: Things proceed with quickening speed, m'lord. The maiden
Lewinsky, so deeply embroil'd, is now join'd by the Lady Willey in
like pursuit. Daily tightens the noose around the king.

Starr: Would that it were so, but he hath good counsel, and more moves
than a chess board. His public, well pleas'd with good news of the
economie, doth o'erlook much.

Witch Tripp: How may I serve you next?

Starr: I have need of acts damnable and facts verifiable. Else he may
elude me yet.

Witch Tripp: His dog Buddy, freshly neuter'd, may bear his master
harsh reproach. He may consent to wearing a collar of our invention,
to survey the king at his ease. Dogs are much accustom'd to insects.
What's one more bug?

Starr: Good hag, I rely on you completely. I must away.

(Exeunt Tripp and Starr)

Scene 2. The king's antechamber

Duke of McCurry: My Lord! I needs must speak with you most urgently!
The castle is assaulted on all sides!

Leer: What would I not give for an hour's peace!

McCurry: An army of reporters is settled at thy gate. They are press
in name and press in deed, for they press me daily, nay, hourly for
some explanation from thy lips.

Leer: Who is there among them?

McCurry: Lords Jennings, Brokaw, Rather, Geraldo of Rivera and a
host of others. Methinks I spied the van from Hard Copy.

Leer: You cut me to the quick. Do they not know that I am chaste?

McCurry: They insinuate that thou hast chased too often.

Leer: Never have lies been so artfully stack'd against a pure soul.
Where is Lady Hillary?

McCurry: Her secretary doth report that she is lock'd in her bath,
saying over and over, "Why can I not wash my hands of this guy?"

Leer: Oh cursed fate! I must be the most solitary mortal in all
creation. Never have I betrayed m'lady's trust.

McCurry: Whatever.

(Enter Messenger)

Messenger: Good king, steel thy nerve. I bring a missive from
Kenneth of Starr, the Grand Inquisitor.

Leer: Was ever a man as Starr-cross'd as I? Why does this man
conspire to afflict me thus? My hand is unsteady. Read it to me.

Messenger: Let me see. He offers you his regards, blah, blah, blah,
then doth subpoena you to appear at his chamber at Friday next,
to forswear again that thou tookst no liberties with the Jones wench,
who withdraweth not her claims against you.

Leer: I have already so sworn!

McCurry: It would seem, m'lord, that the woeful tale of Lady Willey
rekindles old flames.

Leer: I kiss'd the woman on the forehead, as a sign of my regard.
Never was a king so expos'd!

McCurry: Truer words were ne'er spoken.

Leer: I cannot think on't further. Leave me to my own counsel.

(Exeunt Messenger and McCurry)

Leer: To be forthright, or not to be forthright, that is the
question. Whether 'tis nobler in the mind to suffer the slings
and arrows of outrageous fortune, or just bag the whole thing
and teach law at a junior college.

(Enter Courtier)

Courtier: My liege, you are late for an appointed meeting.

Leer: What's this?

Courtier: You were to interview a new assistant at the stroke
of two. She seems most capable, and with rare intellect for one
so young and fair.

Leer: Well, tell her I will see her anon, and on, and on.

Courtier: A most clever jest, my king.

Leer: Let us not tarry further.

(Exeunt Leer and courtier. Enter Buddy, from behind a chair)

Buddy: So dearest reader, I bid adieu.
Me seeth I have much to do.
And so it comes to this pretty pass
To see if the king doth get some ....

By now, you know that Monica Lewinsky is set to make some big bucks writing
a tell-all book. Here are some possible titles:

I Suck At My Job
What Really Goes Down In The White House
How I Blew It In Washington
You Have to Work Hard to Find the Softer Side of the President
Clear and Present Boner
Testing the Limits of the Gag Rule
Going Back for Gore
Podium Girl
Secret Services to the President
Harrass is Not Two Words: The Story of Bill Clinton
Deep Inside The Oval Office
The Congressional Study on White House Intern Positions
She's Chief of MY Staff!
Al Gore Is In Command For The Next 30 Minutes
How To Beat Off the Government
Going Down and Moving Up
Members of the Presidential Cabinet
Me and My Big Mouth
How To Get Ahead in Business

TOP TEN THINGS CLINTON WILL DO AFTER IMPEACHMENT

10. Spend more quality time with Chelsea and her thirteen half-brothers and sisters.

9. A tour of the nation´s prisons to improve conditions, visit friends.

8. Step one: appear on "Oprah." Step two: hug orphan. Step three: all is forgiven.

7. Attend UFO conventions, show off preserved bodies of aliens he smuggled
out of the Pentagon.

6. Write book: "The American Presidency: An Oral History."

5. Buy a Hooters franchise.

4. Buy a Burger King franchise.

3. Buy another Hooters franchise.

2. Come to grips with the fact that regular people just can´t go around
dropping their pants.

1. Trash the dump before Gore moves in.

the way back to Washington from camp david, when all of a
sudden a pig jumps out in front of the limo. Bill, upset,
tells the chauffeur to drive to the nearest farm house so
he can pay for the damages and apologize.

They arrive at the farm house up the road, and clinton
tells the driver to go inside and tell the farmer and his
wife what happened.

2 hours later, the driver emerges from the door with his
clothes in disarray, a brown paper bag, and a huge smile
across his face.

Bill wants to know what happened. The driver tells him "I
went inside, they made me a nice steak, then the parents
introduced me to their 24 year old daughter who was a
finalist in the miss america pageant, they left us alone to
have sex for an hour, and when I was finished, I came
downstairs and the mother had this bag of cookies for me.

Bill says "What did you tell them?"

The driver replies "I told them I was Bill Clinton's
driver, and that I just killed the pig"

The wives of four presidents and prime minister are talking together
about how a penis is referred to in their respective languages.

1.The wife of Tony Blair says in England people call it a gentleman, because it stands up when women are entering.
2.The wife of Boris Yeltsin says in Russia you call it a patriot, because
you never know if it will hit you on the front or on the back side.
3.The wife of Chirac says in France you call it a curtain, because it goes
down after the act.
4.Well the wife of Clinton says in the USA you call it a rumor, because it
goes from mouth to mouth.

President Clinton wakes up to a beautiful winter morning. The sun
is shining, the air is crisp, and there is a light blanket of snow
on the ground.

President Clinton looks out the window at the snow-covered White
House lawn and sees the words "I SLEPT WITH BILL CLINTON" written in
piss in the snow.

President Clinton gets all upset and calls White House Security.
He tells them he doesn't care what is takes but he wants to know
who did this.

Security returns in a couple of days to the President and tells
him that they have good news, bad news, and real bad news. "OK,"
says Clinton. "Give me the good news first, then the bad news, and
then the real bad news."

"The good news is after taking analysis of the piss we know who
the culprit is."

"The bad news is the culprit is Vice President Gore." This news
really upsets the President. "And the real bad news?"
"It's in your wife's hand writing".

Hillbilly hits the White House!

(Sung to the "Beverly Hillbillies" Theme)

Well dere once was a story 'bout a man named BillDa poor President couldn't keep his "willie" still
But den one day he was workin' at his desk,
When in walks Monica and shows da boy her chest...

Boobs, that is. Two of 'em. Bodacious ta ta's.

Well da next thing ya know, Monica is on her knees,
Her mouth wide open and as happy as you please;
Bill sez, "Oh yeah, mama, now just don't say a thing,"
"If you do a real good job then we'll have a little fling."

B.J., that is. Phalli osculation. Stars and Stripes Forever.

Well, Bill lost his load and it fell upon her dress,
He said, "Clean it up, 'cuz you really are a mess,
And you're invited here to dis fine locality,
To have a heapin' helpin' of little Willie C."

Da wiener, that is. Da presidential staff. Air Force One.

So week after week, Monica is on her knees
Keepin' Willie and his Wiener just as happy as you please,
But then she figured out dat the fling had gone too far,
And she blabbed it all to Linda Tripp who blabbed it all to Starr.

Bad girl, that is. Tape recorder. Fine clothes.

Well it didn't take too long until we all knew the score,
'bout all da stuff dat went down dere behind da oval door,
Now da country's in da toilet and da people cry, "No More!"
But if we oust da cheatin' jerk, we gotta live with Gore.

Boob, that is. Tennessee Al. Mister Tipster.

So now ya know da story 'bouta Bill our President,
Still wonderin' if dis fling is gonna cost him every cent.
So da moral of da story is to do it quietly,
And only show your Air Force One within your family.

When Chelsea Clinton was young she walked in on her mom getting out of the
shower. Pointing to her chest she asked her "What are those?"

Hiliary's response was "Oh honey, those are my breasts."

Chelsea asked "Will I get breasts?"

"Yes, when you're older." said Hillary.

A day or two later Chelsea walked in on her dad getting out of the shower.
Pointing towards his penis, she asked "What's that?"

Bill responded "Oh honey, tha's my penis."

Chelsea asked "Will I get a penis?"

Bill responded, "Yes, when your mother leaves."

It seems Miss Lewinsky recorded some of her conversations with Clinton. In a
transcript just released Bill asked Miss Lewinsky "Do you know the difference
between Lunch and Oral Sex?"

Miss Lewinsky replied "No, I don't".

Bill then said "Great, let's do lunch!"

Did you guys hear? A few days ago was Monica Lewinsky's
birthday! Apparently, Clinton showed up at the door, dressed as a candle.

Two hours of previously undisclosed recordings of
conversation between Monica Lewinsky and her friend Linda
Tripp depict the former White House intern as infatuated
with President Clinton and at one point angry with him
because he was avoiding her. According to an account in U.S.
News & World Report, now on newsstands, Ms. Lewinsky told
Tripp; "The first time I looked in his eyes, I saw something
I didn't expect to see..."

... Yeah - some crooked thing blocking her view...

Interesting things about Monica Lewinsky:

- Nobody would know about her if it weren't for Bill
- She sucks
- She blows
- She's bloated
- She's the focus of a huge legal battle
- She'll go down in a heartbeat

Conclusion: Monica actually is Microsoft Windows.

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