25 REASONS WHY ALCOHOL SHOULD BE SERVED AT
WORK...
1. It's an incentive to show up.
2. It reduces stress.
3. It leads to more honest communications.
4. It reduces complaints about low pay.
5. It cuts down on time off because you can work with a
hangover.
6. Employees tell management what they think, not what
management wants to hear.
7. It helps save on heating costs in the winter.
8. It encourages carpooling.
9. Increase job satisfaction because if you have a bad job,
you don't care.
10. It eliminates vacations because people would rather come
to work.
11. It makes fellow employees look better.
12. It makes the cafeteria food taste better.
13. Bosses are more likely to hand out raises when they are
wasted.
14. Salary negotiations are a lot more profitable.
15. Suddenly, burping during a meeting isn't so embarrassing.
16. Employees work later since there's no longer a need to
relax at the bar.
17. It makes everyone more open with their ideas.
18. Everyone agrees they work better after they've had a
couple of drinks.
19. Eliminates the need for employees to get drunk on their
lunch break.
20. Increases the chance of seeing your boss naked.
21. It promotes foreign relations with the former Soviet
Union.
22. The janitor's closet will finally have a use.
23. Employees no longer need coffee to sober up.
24. Sitting on the copy machine will no longer be seen as
"gross."
25. Babbling and mumbling incoherently will be common language
A guy walks into a bar and says to the bartender "I
can piss farther than anyone else"
"Yeah" the bartender says.
"Sure, and I can piss right on the spot from 75 feet
away" the guy says.
"Yeah right" the bartender says.
"It's true, in fact, I'll bet you 100 dollars that I cam
piss
right into a beer bottle 75 feet away and not spill a
drop" the guy says.
"Go ahead" the bartender says smiling at the chance
to make some easy money.
So a beer bottle is placed on the floor 75 feet away. Then the
guy whips out his dick and starts pissing. He pisses on the
wall, he
pees on the floor, he pees on the ceiling and bar,he even
pisses on
the bartender. He pees everywhere EXCEPT in the bottle.
The bartender starts smiling and tells the guy to pay up. The
guy
goes into another room, comes out a few minutes later with a
big
grin on his face and pays the bartender.
The bartender then says to the guy, "Why are you so
happy, you
just lost a hundred bucks?"
Then the guy says ""Well, I just bet the guys in the
other room a
thousand bucks that I could piss all over your bar and not
only
would you not mind, but you'd be smiling."
*** Psychologists find new reason to drink alcohol
Laughing is good for you, and drinkers laugh more, so
drinking
must also be good for you, British psychologists said Tuesday.
A
psychologist at the University of Hull said three separate
studies showed clearly that social drinkers laugh more than
people who drink very little or not at all. Psychologist
Geoffrey
Lowe also cited reports showing laughing can stimulate the
body's
immune system. "I wouldn't necessarily drink more as a
basis of
this research," Lowe said. "I would laugh
more."
A Russian is strolling down the street in Moscow and kicks
a bottle laying
in the street. Suddenly out of the bottle comes a Genie. The
Russian is
stunned and the Genie says, "Hello master, I will grant
you one wish,
anything you want."
The Russian begins thinking, "Well, I really like
drinking vodka."
Finally the Russian says, "I wish to drink vodka whenever
I want, so
make me piss vodka."
The Genie grants him his wish. When the Russian gets home
he gets a
glass out of the cupboard and pisses in it. He looks in the
glass and
it's clear. Looks like vodka. Then he smells the liquid.
Smells like
vodka. So he takes a taste and it is the best vodka he has
ever tasted.
The Russian yells to his wife, "Natasha, Natasha, come quickly!"
She comes running down the hall and the Russian takes
another glass out of
the cupboard and pisses into it. He tells her to drink, it is
vodka.
Natasha is reluctant but goes ahead and takes a sip. It is
the best
vodka she has ever tasted. The two drink and party all night.
The next night the Russian comes home from work and tells
his wife to
get two glasses out of the cupboard. He proceeds to piss in
the two
glasses. The result is the same, the vodka is excellent and
the couple
drink until the sun comes up.
Finally Friday night comes and the Russian comes home and
tells his
wife, "Natasha grab one glass from the cupboard and we
will drink
vodka."
His wife gets the glass from the cupboard and sets it on
the table. The
Russian begins to piss in the glass and when he fills it his
wife asks
him, "But Boris, why do we need only one glass?"
Boris raises the glass and says, "Because tonight my
love, you drink
from the bottle."
A guy walks into a bar with a pet alligator by his side. He
puts
the alligator up on the bar. He turns to the astonished
patrons. "I'll
make you a deal. I'll open this alligator's mouth and place my
genitals
inside. Then the gator will close his mouth for one minute.
He'll then
open his mouth and I'll remove my unit unscratched. In return
for
witnessing this spectacle, each of you will buy me a
drink."
The crowd murmured their approval. The man stood up on the
bar,
dropped his pants, and placed his privates in the alligator's
open mouth.
The gator closed his mouth as the crowd gasped. After a
minute, the man
grabbed a beer bottle and rapped the alligator hard on the top
of it's head.
The crowd cheered and the first of his free drinks was
delivered.
The man stood up again and made another offer. "I'll
pay anyone
£100 who's willing to give it a try". A hush fell over
the crowd. After a
while, a hand went up in the back of the bar. A blonde woman
timidly spoke up.
"I'll try, but you have to promise not to hit me on
the head with
the beer bottle".
THE "BEER ME" DIET
FACT: A lite beer has between 70 and 100 calories, is
almost
all water, and the part that isn't water is almost pure
carbohydrates.
FACT: The average diet recommends a daily caloric intake of
1,200 calories for women, 1,500 for men, if you want to lose
the
medically safe two to three pounds a week. On the
"Beer-Me"
diet, that equates to at least 12 beverages a day for women,
and 15 for men. A measurable goal.
FACT: The alcohol in beer is a diuretic, which causes the
water
to flush out almost immediately, leading to a consistent
workout regimen including deep knee bends (getting out of the
chair),
fast walking (very good for your heart) and squats (as the
case may be).
FACT: Drinking beer actually helps you sleep-even when you
aren't necessarily tired. All that added rest is certain to
help any
problems you may have experienced in sleep deprivation,
counting calories on those other fad diets. In addition, you
may
experience the occasional "How did I get here?" when
you wake
up, which always makes for lively conversation, and possibly
additional exercise if you have to sneak out and run home.
FACT: The "Beer-Me" diet is good for your heart.
After just one
day of consuming your required 12-15 beers, you will certainly
want to consume some aspirin, which is medically proven to
help
prevent heart attacks.
FACT: On the "Beer-Me" diet you can eat anything
you want. The
only rule is that you cannot consume any food until you have
consumed at least half of the day's required beers. This way
the food will probably only stay in your body a short time,
until
you again exercise the deep knee bends, quick walk and, this
time,
the "lean-over-and-hurl" stomach crunches.
FACT: Beer drinking is often done in bars, where other
forms of
exercise are common. Dancing, for example, is a good way to
build up a thirst, as is chasing members of the opposite sex.
If you
really want to maximize your workout, try actually walking up
to the bar, versus using a waitress. To take this to the
extreme,
you could even get up and get someone else a beer-perhaps
someone
who is newer to the diet plan than yourself.
FACT: Beer is cheaper than Jenny Craig. Based on these
facts,
let's run through a given scenario for diet implementation.
CAUTION: This is a weekend diet plan, and should be
attempted
during the work week by only the staunchest of dieters.
MONDAY THROUGH THURSDAY: Eat junk food and basically be a slob.
FRIDAY: Feeling "huge," swing by the liquor store
and stock up.
Go to favorite place of beer drinking and begin the
consumption
process (remember 12 for women, 15 for men).
SATURDAY: Wake up (as required) and lounge around all day,
feeling slightly smaller after expunging any food that you may
have accidentally consumed (particularly if it involved beef
jerky from 7-11). Take aspirin. Notice that you have
absolutely
no interest in food, anyway.
SATURDAY (p.m.): Restart cycle, noticing that your appetite
has
still not returned. Perhaps only meet half of your consumption
goal due to an ongoing discussion with "the dog that bit
you."
This is a good thing, as only half-consumption means less than
1,000 calories for the day, and you still don't feel hungry.
SUNDAY (a.m.): Wake up for mandatory sports day. This is a
very
convenient diet during football season, but it can be
successfully implemented year-round. There is some major
professional sport being played every day of the year except
the day before and the day after the Major League All-Star
game
(fact-look it up). Consumption on this day should be paced to
cover the entire day-you don't want to peak too soon. Again
you notice a lack of appetite, and are feeling thinner all the
time.
Don't forget the aspirin.
MONDAY: Return to work, feeling thinner, well rested, and
surprisingly mellow. Mark your log book, and begin preparation
for the upcoming weekend.
Happy dieting!!!
After the Great Britain Beer Festival, in London, all the
brewery
presidents decided to go out for a beer. The guy from Corona
sits down
and says, "Hey Senor, I would like the world's best beer,
a Corona."
The bartender dusts off a bottle from the shelf and gives it
to him.
The guy from Budweiser says, "I'd like the best beer in
the world, give me
'The King Of Beers', a Budweiser."
The bartender gives him one.
The guy from Coors says, "I'd like the only beer made
with Rocky Mountain
spring water, give me a Coors."
He gets it.
The guy from Fosters sits down and says, "Give me a
Coke."
The bartender is a little taken aback, but gives him what he
ordered.
The other brewery presidents look over at him and asks
"Why aren't you
drinking a Fosters?" and the Fosters president replies,
"Well, I figured
if you guys aren't drinking beer, neither would I."
You can't be a real country unless you have a beer and an
airline; it
helps if you have some kind of a football team, or some
nuclear weapons,
but at the very least you need a beer.
--Frank Zappa
Always do sober what you said you'd do drunk. That will
teach you to keep
your mouth shut.
--Ernest Hemmingway
Always remember that I have taken more out of alcohol than
alcohol has
taken out of me.
--Winston Churchil
l
He was a wise man who invented beer.
--Plato
Time is never wasted when you're wasted all the time.
--Catherine Zandonella
A woman drove me to drink and I didn't even have the
decency to thank her.
--W.C. Fields
Sir, if you were my husband, I would poison your drink.
--Lady Astor to Winston Churchill
Madam, if you were my wife, I would drink it.
--His reply
If God had intended us to drink beer, He would have given
us stomachs.
--David Daye
Work is the curse of the drinking class.
--Oscar Wilde
When I read about the evils of drinking, I gave up reading.
--Henny Youngman
Beer is proof that God loves us and wants us to be happy.
--Benjamin Franklin
If you ever reach total enlightenment while drinking beer,
I bet it makes
beer shoot out your nose.
--Deep Thought, Jack Handy
Without question, the greatest invention in the history of
mankind is
beer. Oh, I grant you that the wheel was also a fine
invention, but the
wheel does not go nearly as well with pizza.
--Dave Barry
The problem with the world is that everyone is a few drinks
behind.
--Humphrey Bogart
Why is American beer served cold? So you can tell it from
urine.
--David Moulton
People who drink light beer don't like the taste of beer;
they just like
to pee a lot.
--Capital Brewery, Middleton, WI
Give me a woman who loves beer and I will conquer the
world.
--Kaiser Welhelm
I would kill everyone in this room for a drop of sweet
beer.
--Homer Simpson
Not all chemicals are bad. Without chemicals such as
hydrogen and oxygen,
for example, there would be no way to make water, a vital
ingredient in beer.
--Dave Barry
I drink to make other people interesting.
--George Jean Nathan
They who drink beer will think beer.
--Washington Irving
An intelligent man is sometimes forced to be drunk to spend
time with his fools.
--For Whom the Bell Tolls, Ernest Hemmingway
You're not drunk if you can lie on the floor without
holding on.
--Dean Martin
All right, brain, I don't like you and you don't like me -
so let's just
do this and I'll get back to killing you with beer.
--Homer Simpson
This week, a million fraternity brothers rushed to join
NASA. The reason:
scientists have discovered beer in space.
Well, not beer exactly. But they did find alcohol: ethyl
alcohol, to be
precise, the active ingredient in all major alcoholic drinks
(antifreeze
Jell-O shots, quite obviously, are exempted from this
category). Three
British scientists, Drs. Tom Millar, Geoffrey MacDonald and
Rolf Habing,
discovered this interstellar Everclear floating in a gas cloud
in the
contellation of Aquila (sign of the Eagle, the mascot of
Anheuser-Busch! Hmmmmm).
Millar and his compatriots have estimated the size of this
gas cloud at
approximately 1,000 times the diameter of our own solar
system; there's
enough alcohol out there, they say, to make 400 trillion
trillion pints of
beer. These guys are British, mind you; if you were to
translate this in
terms of American beer (which the British, with some
justification, regard
as fermented club soda), the amount of potential brewski just
about doubles.
In human terms: remember that double-keg party you threw at
the end of
your Junior year in college (the second Junior year)? Imagine
throwing
that same party, every eight hours, for the next 30 billion
years. You'd
STILL have beer left over. And boy, would YOUR bathroom be a
mess! Simply
put, no one could ever drink 400 trillion trillion pints of
beer, except
maybe Buffalo Bills fans.
The sheer volume of all this alcohol begs the question of
how it
managed to get out there in the first place. Despite the
simplifying
effect it has on the human brain, ethyl alcohol is a
reasonably complex
molecule: two carbon atoms, five hydrogen atoms, and a
hydroxyl radical,
all cavorting together in beery camaraderie. It's not a
compund that is
going to spontaneously arise out of the cold depths of space.
It can lead
to speculation: What is this cloud?
1. It's God's beer. After all, He worked for six days
creating the
universe, and on the seventh day, He rested. And after you've
had a hard
week at the office, don't YOU grab a beer? Since man is made
in God's
image, it could be that this cloud is the remaining evidence
of the first,
best Miller Time.
2. It's Purgatory ("400 trillion trillion bottles of
beer on the wall,
400 trillion trillion bottles of beer! Take one down, pass it
around,
three hundred ninety-nine septillion, nine hundred ninety-nine
sextillion,
nine hundred ninety-nine quintillion, nine hundred ninety-nine
quadrillion, nine hundred ninety-nine trillion, nine hundred
ninety-nine
billion, nine hundred ninety-nine million, nine hundred
ninety-nine
thousand, nine hundred ninety-nine, bottles of beer on the
wall!")
3. Proof of an undeniably highly advanced but chronically
dipsomaniac alien society. This particular theory is shaky,
however: it's
reasonable to assume that if the aliens were going to
construct a nebula
of alcohol, they'd also have large clouds of Beer Nuts and
pretzels nearby
for snacking. Advanced spectral analysis has yet to locate
them.
The truth of the matter, however, is far more prosaic. In
the middle of
this gas cloud is a young and no doubt quite inebriated star.
As the star
heats up and contracts, sucking the dust and gas of the cloud
into a
smaller area, complex molecules form as a result of greater
interaction
between the elements. Ethyl alcohol forms on small motes of
dust in the
cloud, and then, as the motes angle in closer towards the star
and heat
up, the alcohol is released from the motes in gaseous form.
And there you
have it: an alcohol cloud. Or, as Dave Bowman might say,
"My God! It's
full of booze!"
Enough with the science lesson, you say. Just tell me how
to GET there!
Sorry, Chuckles. You can't get there from here. The gas cloud
(which, by
the way, has the utterly romantic name of "G34.3")
is 10,000 light years
away: 58 quadrillion miles. Even if you hijacked the shuttle
and headed
out with thrusters on full, by the time you got there, the guy
in
Purgatory would be done with his tune. You'd have had time to
work up a
powerful thirst, but you'd also be, in a word, dead.
No, the Space Beer Cloud will have to wait for the far
future, when men
can leap through the universe at warp speed. One can only
imagine what
they will do when they get there:
Captain Kirk: My....GOD! Sulu! What....is....THAT?
Sulu: It's a free floating cloud of alcohol, sir.
Kirk: And we've just run out of Romulan Ale! Could it be a trap, Bones?
Bones: Damn it, Jim! I'm a doctor, not a distiller of fine spirits!
Kirk: We need that booze! But if we fly through that cloud,
we'll be
too drunk to drive!
Spock: May I remind you, Jim, that I am a Vulcan. We are a
race of
designated drivers.
Kirk: Well, all righty, then. Spock, drive us through!
Bones and I will
be out on the hull. With our mouths... open!
To boldly drink what no man has drunk before.
Links around this site.....
Click here to go see baby pictures and other exciting stuff to
make you wet yourself.
Sign My Guestbook
View My Guestbook
Back to
Moosie Mailings
