Sammy has stolen the rabbi's gold watch.
He didn't feel too good about it, so he decided, after a sleepless night.
to go to the rabbi.
'Rabbi, I stole a gold watch.'
'But Sammy ! That's forbidden! You should return it immediately !'
'What shall I do ?'
'Give it back to the owner.'
'Do you want it ?'
'No, I said return it to its owner.'
'But he doesn't want it.'
'In that case, you can keep it.'
Cohen and Levy are both in
the antique business across the street from each other, and have been for
years. Cohen hates Levy - he thinks he's a gonniff and; a liar and; an
ignorant bum, and says so publicly. Levy thinks the same about Cohen.
One day Levy leaves the door open to his shop and goes out for a few minutes. Cohen takes the opportunity to walk across the street and steal a magic lantern Levy has in the window. He gets it back to his shop and can't resist rubbing it. Naturally a genie pops out of the lantern.
"Cohen", says the genie, "because
you have released me from a thousand years of confinement in the lantern,
I will grant you one wish - anything you want - money, power, fame, anything.
But because the lamp belongs to Levy, whatever it is you get, Levy will
get twice as much."
"You mean," says Cohen, "if I ask for a million dollars, Levy gets two million?"
"That's right," says the genie, "and if you ask for a beautiful woman, Levy gets two beautiful women."
"All right, genie," says Cohen. "I know what I want."
"I wish I were half dead."
It Pays To Advertise
Old man Moskowitz was getting
along in years. He decided to retire and let his 3 sons run the company
(which manufactured a wide variety of nails). The sons thought they could
increase market-share with some judicious billboard advertising.
Only a week later the old man was taking his usual Sunday drive in the country when he saw the first billboard ad. There it was - a picture of Christ on the Cross, with the caption: "Nails for Every Purpose. Use Moskowitz Nails."
The old man immediately met with his 3 sons to voice his concern. He explained that the backlash could be horrendous. The company could be ruined. The sons agreed to discontinue that ad.
A week later the old man was again taking his usual Sunday drive when he saw the second billboard ad. There it was - - a picture of the same cross, empty, with Christ crumpled on the ground below... and the caption: "Next Time Use Moskowitz Nails."
What's For Dinner?
The main course at the big civic dinner was baked ham with glazed sweet potatoes. Rabbi Cohen regretfully shook his head when the platter was passed to him.
"When," scolded Father Kelly playfully, "are you going to forget that silly rule of yours and eat ham like the rest of us?"
Without skipping a beat, Rabbi Cohen replied "At your wedding reception, Father Kelly."
Mr. Shwatrz goes to meet his
new son-in-law to be, Sol.
He says to Sol (who is very religious), "So nu, tell me Sol my boy what do you do?
"I study the Torah," he replies.
"But Sol, you are going to marry my daughter, how are going to feed and house her?"
"No problem," says Sol, "I study Torah and it says G-d will provide."
"But you will have children, how will you educate them?" asks Mr. Shwartz.
"No problem," says Sol, "I study Torah and it says G-d will provide."
Mr. Shwartz goes home and Mrs. Shwartz, his wife, anxiously asks what Sol is like.
"Well," says Mr. Shwartz, "he's a lovely boy, I only just met him and he already thinks I'm G-d."
Home, Sweet Home
A good, old American Jew felt
the death is close and asked his sons to take him to the Holy Land, to
die there and be buried in Jerusalem.
The loving sons did as he asked, brought him to Jerusalem, put him in a hospital and waited for death to come. However, once in Jerusalem the old man felt better and better and in some weeks was again strong, healthy and full of life. He called upon his sons and told them: " Take me quickly back to the United States."
The sons were somehow disappointed and asked: "Father how come? You said you want to die in the Holy Land and be buried in Jerusalem!'
"Yes," answered the father, to die it's OK but to live here....!?"
A man walked to the top of
a hill to talk to G-d.
The man asked, "G-d, what's a million years to you?"
And G-d said "A minute."
Then the man asked:
"Well, what's a million dollars to you?"
and G-d said: "A penny"
Then the man asked:
"G-d.....can I have a penny?"
And G-d said:
"Sure.....In a minute."
It was two days before Chanukah
and Mr. Feldman, quite downcast, was trudging home. "Where will I get money
to buy presents for the holiday?" he asked himself sadly, thinking of his
wife and children. On the way, he passed a church, in front of which was
One Hundred Dollars Cash To Anyone Who Joins This Church Today!
Here was the solution to Feldman's problem! He went in, joined, and was given the hundred dollars as the sign promised. That evening, at supper, he told his family how he had come by his sudden wealth. "And here's the hundred," he announced grandly, waving the money before them.
"Darling," said his wife, "you remember that coat you promised me three years ago? Well it's on sale at Macy's."
"How much is it?"
"Only fifty dollars, and it's worth at least eighty five."
Feldman peeled off five tens and gave them to her.
The son spoke up. "Pop, for a long time I've been saving up to buy one of those English bikes with ten gear shifts. I already have most of the money, but I need a little more."
"How much more?"
"Twenty five dollars."
Feldman handed over the money.
"Daddy," said his teen age daughter, "next week our school is having the most important dance of the whole year. If I don't have a new dress, I'll simply die."
"Don't die Sweetheart. How much is the dress?"
"Only twenty five dollars, Daddy dear."
Feldman handed over the remaining twenty five dollars, leaned back and grinned. "It never fails," he announced. "The minute we Gentiles have a little money, you Jews take it away from us!"
Oy Yoy Yoy
Three bubbes sitting on a park
The first one lets out a heartfelt "Oy!"
A few minutes later, the second bubbe sighs deeply and says "Oy vey!"
A few minutes after that, the third lady brushes away a tear and moans, "Oy veyizmir!"
To which the first bubbe replies: "I thought we agreed we weren't going to talk about our children!"
Man and Wife
An Israeli mayor in a small
town is walking past a construction site with his wife. One of the construction
workers stops and calls out to the woman.
"What's new, Sara?"
"Why, it's nice to see you again Avi," the woman replies. She turns to introduce her husband to the construction worker, and they speak for several minutes.
After the mayor and his wife continue on, he turns to his wife to ask how she knows him.
"Oh," she said. "We went together in high school. I even thought about marrying him."
The husband began to laugh. "You don't realize how lucky you are. If I hadn't come along, today you would be the wife of a construction worker!"
The wife replied without hesitation, "Not really. If I had married him, he'd now be a mayor!"
What's In A Name?
A young Jewish guy develops a crush on a girl, but when he tells his Father about her, the old boy just wants to know her family name. When the young guy tells him that the girl's name is Ford, the old boy tells him that Ford is not a good Jewish name, and he must forget her, and go and find a nice Jewish girl. So time passes, and the young guy finds another girl, but her name is Austin, so his Father tells him the same thing, to find a nice Jewish girl with a nice Jewish name. So more time passes, and the young guy finds another girl, but this time he is sure that he has solved the problem because the girl's name is Goldberg. "Goldberg !" exclaims his Father, "This makes me very happy because it is a real good Jewish name, and from a good established family" Then he asks what her first name is. "Is it one of my favourite names, like Rachael, or Rebecca ?" "No Father" replied the young guy. "It's Whoopi"
A Word To The Wise
These two Jewish men are sitting in a wonderful deli frequented almost exclusively by Jews in the Jewish section of town. They are talking among themselves in Yiddish. A Chinese waiter comes up and in fluent and impeccable Yiddish asks them if everything is okay, can he get them anything, and so forth. The Jewish men are dumbfounded. "My God, where did he learn such perfect Yiddish?" they both think. After they pay the bill they ask the manager of the store, an old friend also fluent in Yiddish, "Where did your waiter learn such fabulous Yiddish?" The owner looks around and leans in so no one will hear and says, "Shhhh. He thinks we're teaching him English."
The first Jewish President
He calls his Mother: "Mama, I've won the elections, you've got to
come to the swearing-in ceremony."
"I don't know, what would I wear?"
"Don't worry, I'll send you a dressmaker"
"But I only eat kosher food"
"Mama, I am going to be the president, I can get you kosher food"
"But how will I get there?"
"I'll send a limo,just come mama"
"Ok Ok, if it makes you happy.
The great day comes and Mama is seated between the Supreme Court Justices and the Future Cabinet members, she nudges the gentleman on her right. "You see that boy, the one with his hand on the Bible" "His brother's a doctor!"
Mr. and Mrs. Greenberg go out
to see My Fair Lady on stage. This is the most sold out show of the year,
and scalpers are retiring on this one.
Somehow, they've lucked into front row seats. But they notice that in the row behind them, there's an empty seat. When intermission comes and no one has sat in that seat, Mrs. Greenberg turns to the woman sitting next to it and asks, "Pardon me, but this is such a sold out show, and in such demand. We were wondering why that seat is empty."
The woman says, "That's my late husband's seat."
Mrs. Greenberg is horrified and apologizes for being so insensitive.
But a few minutes later, she turns around again.
"Without meaning to be rude or anything, this is an incredibly hard show to get into. Surely you must have a friend or a relative who would have wanted to come and see the show?"
The woman nods, but explains, "They're all at the funeral."
From The Great Beyond
For months, Mrs. Pitzel had been nagging her husband to go with her to the seance parlor of Madame Freda. "Milty, she's a real gypsy, and she brings the voices of the dead from the other world. We all talk to them! Last week I talked with my mother, may she rest in peace. Milty, for twenty dollars you can talk to your zayde who you miss so much!"
Milton Pitzel could not resist
her appeal. At the very next seance at Madam Freda's Seance Parlor, Milty
sat under the colored light at the green table, holding hands with the
person on each side. All were humming, "Oooom, oooom, tonka tooom."
Madame Freda, her eyes lost in trance, was making passes over a crystal ball. "My medium...Vashtri," she called. "Come in. Who is that with you? Who? Mr. Pitzel" Milton Pitzel's zayde?"
Milty swallowed the lump in his throad and called, "Grampa? Zayde?"
"Ah, Milteleh?" a thin voice quavered.
"Yes! Yes!" cried Milty. "This is your Milty! Zayde, are you happy in the other world?"
"Milteleh, I am in bliss. With your bubbie together, we laugh, we sing. We gaze upon the shining face of the Lord!"
A dozen more questions did Milty ask of his zayde, and each question did his zayde answer, until "So now, Milteleh, I have to go. The angels are calling. Just one more question I can answer. Ask. Ask."
"Zayde," sighed Milty, "when did you learn to speak English?"
Truer Words Were Never spoken
A little Jewish boy was telling his mother about how he had won a part in a play that was being done at school. His mother asked, "What is the part you will play, Saul?" Saul responded, "I shall play the Jewish husband," to which the mother replied, "Well, you go right back to that teacher and tell her that you want a SPEAKING part!"
My Son The...
Two elderly Jewish ladies meet
on a street corner.
"So Sadie, how's by you I haven't seen you in years?"
"Marvelous, Rivkeh, things
couldn't be better! My son Harold is an Accountant making lots of money.
My daughter Cynthia married a rich man, and both of my children have given
me beautiful grandchildren and so much naches...but enough about my joys...so
what's by you and your family?"
"Oy Sadie, don't ask! Me, I have such tsores!"
"Nu Rivkeh, I'm so sorry to hear that; but what kind of tsores?"
"It's my son Arnold. He revealed to us that he's a faygeleh."
"Oy, a faygeleh, what a disaster!"
"I know, but we do have a consolation..."
"Vos for a consolation with a faygeleh?"
"Well, he's going with such a nice Jewish boy who's going to be a doctor!"
What's In A Name?
Mr. Goldstein was awarded the
job to paint the local Catholic Church and Convent.
After several days on the job, the Mother Superior called him into her office.
"Mr. Goldstein," she said I would like you to please change three things in the performence of your job.
Number one, please remove your painter's cap when you enter the sanctuary. Number two, please refrain from washing the paint off your hands in the Holy Water. and Number Three. Please stop calling me MOTHER SHAPIRO!!!!!
Joke for the High Holidays...
A Jewish sailor was shipwrecked
on a desert island and the first thing he did was build two synagogues....
Years later when he was rescued people were bewildered and asked him: Why he built two synagogues... to which he replied.
"Oh that other one... I would NEVER go there!"
The Jewish Olympics
After reading through the list
of this year's Olympic events, it was found that the Olympic Committee
has made some significant changes. Some of the less-publicized events of
particular interest to the world's Jewish communities, that you may have
missed, may be the following:
Commonly referred to as the world's greatest athlete, this year's decathlete is actually a minyan of ten daveners. Each member of the group will begin davening with ten volumes of Mishnah on his back. Every minute, another volume will be added until a team member can no longer angle the body enough for a complete daven. While yeshiva buchers in Jerusalem are favored to win this event, other teams have promised not to bow down to the opposition - which could be a problem for this particular event.
A sound-enhanced Pole Vault competition, the vaulter must clear the bar then yell "Oy" upon hitting the foam pad below. Any heights cleared without an "Oy" will be considered a fault. Points will be added for more enthusiastic exclamations of "Oy," such as "Oy vay iz mir!", "Oy, I've just landed on my shana punim!" or, the winner in the Olympic trials', "Oy, such tsuris this is causing me!"
Taking place in an Olympic sized mikvah, this event is sure to make a splash. But what do these young ladies do once their act has finished?
Following the Synchronized Swimming portion, swimmers will have ten minutes to sunbathe. Their routine must include at least two rollovers as well as application of sunscreen to the ears and nose. An SPF of 15 is the required minimum. Judges will award additional points to those able to tan with a higher SPF number. Points will be deducted for burns, blotches, and bikinis.
The goal here is simple: to create the ideal matzah ball. Each team will cook a two liter bowl of matzah ball soup, from scratch. The three winning batches will be fed to the athletes recovering in the infirmary. The toughest matzah balls will be used in the shot put competition.
This year's Triathlon will involve one pound of shnitzel and a serving of tsimmes. The athlete must cook the shnitzel and tsimmes (first part), say a bruchah before eating this kosher meal (second part), and then run a marathon (third part). If the contender forgets to say the bruchah, he/she will be disqualified, but will still be required to run the marathon.
In addition to the aforementioned events, this year's Games will feature some experimental, non-medal competition:
A kosher version of horseshoes, the winner is he/she that first lands a bagel on each of the seven branches of the chanukiah.
The accountant or bookkeeper that balances my mother's checkbook in the shortest amount of time will be declared winner.
How long does it take you to remove all the chometz from your house before Pesach? In this competition, each participant must rid a miniature shul of all of its challot, and replace them with matzot.
This year's Dream Team will not consist of the USA's highly favored men's basketball team, but rather, an overpriced team of psychoanalysts that will have three, one hour office visits to analyze and interpret the dreams of this year's Olympic hopefuls.
Each certified moyl must run a marathon and perform a bris at each kilometer mark. This is the only event that allows alcohol - for the babies of course.
Designed for bubbies and zaydehs, the proud grandparents will have two minutes to boast about their einiklach.
No longer part of men's gymnastics, this event now caters to newlyweds eager to show off the diamond rocks on their fourth fingers. The diamonds will be judged based on the "three c's," color, clarity, and cut. Contestants will be judged based on the "three s's," smile, sophistication, and simchas.
The Dating Game
It seems Yankel was pushing
25 and he'd never been out on a date. His Rosh Yeshiva calls him into the
office one day and says, "Yankel! 18 to the Chuppah! What's going to be
already?" Yankel blushes and explains to his Rebbe that he grew up in a
house full of brothers, and he's never even spoken to a girl anywhere near
his age. He doesn't know what to say to girls. Besides, it would interrupt
his learning. The Rosh Yeshiva puts a fatherly arm around him and tells
him "Don't worry about your learning, this is a Chiyuv with a capital ches.
And as for what to say, you can talk about her family, you can talk about
what she likes, and if all else fails you can talk philosophy."
Yankel leaves the Rosh Yeshiva repeating under his breath, "Family, likes, philosophy. Family, likes, philosophy. Family, likes, philosophy." Finally, the day arrives and he goes out on his first shidduch.
The young people sit down in the hotel lobby and look at one another uncomfortably. Yankel realizes that he's going to have to say something, and the first thing on the Rosh Yeshiva's list is family, so he blurts out, "Do you have any brothers?" "No." replies the girl, and silence reigns. Yankel thinks hard, and then comes up with, "Do you like baseball?" "No." is the immediate reply. Now Yankel is really at a loss. Ah yes! Philosophy! So Yankel leans forward, and very intently, in his best talmudic tones, asks "If you had a brother, would he like baseball?"
A man walks into shul with
a dog. The shammas comes up to him and says, "Pardon me, this is a House
of Worship, you can't bring your dog in here." "What do you mean," says
the man, "this is a Jewish dog. Look." And the shammas looks carefully
and sees that in the same way that a St. Bernard carries a brandy barrel
round its neck this dog has a tallis bag round its neck.
"Rover," says the man, "daven!".
"Woof!" says the dog, stands on his hind legs, opens the tallis bag, takes out a kipa and puts it on his head.
"Woof!" says the dog, stands on his hind legs, opens the tallis bag, takes out a tallis and puts it round his neck.
"Woof!" says the dog, stands on his hind legs, opens the tallis bag, takes out a siddur and starts to daven.
"That's fantastic," says the shammas, "absolutely amazing, incredible! You should take him to Hollywood, get him on television, get him in the movies, he could make a million dollars!!"
"You speak to him," says the man, "he wants to be a dentist."
The Big Squeeze
The local bar was so sure that its bartender was the strongest man around that they offered a standing $1000 bet.
The bartender would squeeze a lemon until all the juice ran into a glass, and hand the lemon to a patron. Anyone who could squeeze one more drop of juice out would win the money. Many people had tried over time (weight-lifters, longshoremen, etc.) but nobody could do it.
One day this scrawny little Jewish fellow came into the bar, wearing thick glasses and a polyester suit, and said in a tiny squeaky voice "I'd like to try the bet" After the laughter had died down, the bartender said OK, grabbed a lemon, and squeezed away. Then he handed the wrinkled remains of the rind to the Jewish fellow.
But the crowd's laughter turned to total silence as the man clenched his fist around the lemon and six drops fell into the glass. As the crowd cheered, the bartender paid the $1000, and asked the little Jewish man "What do you do for a living? Are you a lumberjack, a weight-lifter, or what?"
The Jewish fellow replied: "I work for the Jewish National Fund."
Divide and Conquer
A Jewish town had a shortage
of men for wedding purposes, so they had to import men from other towns.
One day a groom-to-be arrived on a train, and two mother-in-laws-to-be
were waiting for him, each claiming ownership on him.
A rabbi was called to solve the problem. After a few minutes of thought, he said: "If this is the situation, you both want the groom, we'll cut him in half and give each one of you half of him."
To this replied one woman: "If that's the case, give him to the other woman."
The rabbi said: "Do that. The one willing to cut him in half, is the real mother-in-law!"
All In A Day's Work
Two beggars were sitting next
to each other. One holds a sign saying "Please help the war veteran", and
the other holds a sign saying "Please help a poor Jew".
People pass by and even those who didn't intend to give money to any of them, give to the first to upset the Jew. One good man passes by, gives money equally to both, and then says to the Jew: "Why don't you change your sign? Don't you understand that nobody will give you any money?" and walks away.
As he goes, the Jews turns to the other one and says: "Haim, he would teach US business..."
May I Take Your Order?
Q - What did the waiter ask
the group of dining Jewish mothers?
A - "Is ANYTHING all right?"
Terrorists burst into a shul
(synagogue) just before Yom Kippur, demanding 20 million dollars and a
jet plane in ransom.
The Governor, being a tough man, said no. The terrorists then announced that they would kill, in quick succession, 3 people. They chose the Rabbi, the Cantor, and the Gabbai (sexton).
They told the Rabbi: "We're going to kill you first. Any last requests?"
"Only one," said the Rabbi. "All my life I have wanted to give the perfect sermon. This time, for Yom Kippur, I have worked on my sermon for many months. It's really great. Before you kill me, I'd like to give my sermon".
"No problem" said the chief terrorist. "Give your sermon and then we'll kill you".
He turned to the Cantor: "You'll be second to die. Any last requests?"
"Only one" said the Cantor. "All my life I have wanted to sing the perfect Kol Nidre. This year, I have practiced and practiced and have polished it to perfection. Before you kill me, I would like to sing it once".
"No problem", said the terrorist. He then turned to the Gabbai. "You'll be third. Any last wish?"
"Only one", said the Gabbai. "Please kill me first."
Mother and; Daughter
One day a Jewish Mother and
her 8-year-old daughter were walking along the beach, just at the water's
edge. Suddenly, a GIGANTIC wave flashed up on the beach, sweeping the little
girl out to sea.
"Oh, G-d," lamented the mother, turning her face toward heaven and shaking her fist. "This was my ONLY baby. I can't have more children. She is the love and joy of my life. I have cherished every day that she's been with me. Give her back to me, and I'll go to the synagogue every day for the rest of my life!!!!"
Suddenly, another GIGANTIC wave flashed up and deposited the girl back on the sand.
The mother looked up to heaven and said, "She had on a HAT!!!!"
The Three Hasidim
Three Hasidim are each talking
about who has the greatest Rebbe:
The first one says: "Our Rebbe is so great, we were walking home from schul on Shabbos and it was very hot. We said Rebbe it is so hot what can we do?" The Rebbe stopped and he prayed. And in front of the Rebbe and behind the Rebbe there was heat. And to the right of the Rebbe and to the let of the Rebbe there was heat. And in the area around the Rebbe it became cool and fresh and they all walked home.
The second one says: "That's nothing! We were walking home from schul one Shabbos and it started to rain really hard. And we said Rebbe, we're going to get sick what should we do?" The Rebbe stopped and he prayed. And in front of the Rebbe and behind the Rebbe there was rain. And to the right of the Rebbe and to the left of the Rebbe there was rain. But in the area around the Rebbe, there was no rain, and they all walked home.
The third said, "Is that all??" We were walking home from schul on Shabbos, and we spotted a large bag filled with gold coins that was lying in the street. And we said Rebbe, so much money, we could do so much work for the Hasidim, what should we do??" And the Rebbe stopped and he prayed. And in front of the Rebbe and behind the Rebbe there was Shabbos.....
A Jew In Paris
A little Jewish lady from the
U.S., touristing in Paris, enters a chic confectionery boutique, and says,
"Vill you plizz give me a boxl ize-krim, if you dunt mind?"
The clerk behind the counter straightens up and replies, "Madame, en Chez Marie, ve do not say ?ize-krim?, ve say ?glace?."
"Aw K", says Mrs. Ginsberg, "I?ll hev a boxl glace. End if you?ll plizz, hendle me also a peckidge cookiss end a boxl kendy."
The clerk replies haughtily, "Madame, en Chez Marie, ve do not say ?cookiss?, ve say ?pastilles?; and ve do not say ?kendy?, ve say ?bonbons?."
"Dot?s fine", replies Mrs. Ginsberg, "put in de peckidge pastilles end also a boxl bunbuns. End if you?ll dunt mind, repp it opp, I?ll take it vit me."
At that, the clerk draws herself up to her full five feet of height, looks Mrs. Ginsberg straight in the eye, and replies, "Madame, en Chez Marie, ve do not schlep pekelach!"
So it seems that these four
Rabbis had a series of theological arguments, and three were always in
accord against the fourth. One day, the odd Rabbi out, after the usual
"3 to 1, majority rules" statement that signified that he had lost again,
decided to appeal to a higher authority. "Oh, G-d!" he cried. "I know in
my heart that I am right and they are wrong! Please give me a sign to prove
it to them!"
It was a beautiful, sunny day. As soon as the Rabbi finished his prayer, a storm cloud moved across the sky above the four. It rumbled once and dissolved. "A sign from G-d! See, I'm right, I knew it!" But the other three disagreed, pointing out that storm clouds form on hot days.
So the Rabbi prayed again: "Oh, G-d, I need a bigger sign to show that I am right and they are wrong. So please, G-d, a bigger sign!" This time four storm clouds appeared, rushed toward each other to form one big cloud, and a bolt of lightning slammed into a tree on a nearby hill."I told you I was right!" cried the Rabbi, but his friends insisted that nothing had happened that could not be explained by natural causes.
The Rabbi is getting ready to ask for a "very big" sign, but just as he says "Oh G-d..." the sky turns pitch black, the earth shakes, and a deep, booming voice intones, "HEEEEEEEE'S RIIIIIIIGHT!"
The Rabbi puts his hands on his hips, turns to the other three, and says, "Well?"
"So," shrugged one of the other Rabbis, "now it's 3 to 2!"
A man started to tell a joke
at a party: "Two old jews were on their way..."
Suddenly he was interrupted by a sensitive guest.
"Why do so many jokes begin with Jews?"
"Oh, I'm sorry," apologized the story teller, "I'll start again.
Two old Chinese men were on their way to the Synagogue to see the Rabbi..."
Q: How many Jewish mother does
it take the change a light bulb?
A: (Sigh) Don't bother, I'll sit in the dark, I don't want to be a nuisance to anybody . . .
An elderly Jewish couple are
sitting together on an airplane flying to the Far East. Over the public
address system, the Captain announces:
"Ladies and Gentlemen, I am afraid I have some very bad news. Our engines have ceased functioning, and this plane will be going down momentarily. Luckily, I see an island below us that should be able to accommodate our landing. Unluckily, this Island appears to be uncharted; I am unable to find it on our maps. So the odds are that we will never be rescued and will have to live on the island for a very long time, if not for the rest of our lives."
The husband turns to his wife and asks,
"Esther, did we turn off the stove?" and Esther replies, "of course."
"Esther, are our life insurance policies paid up?" "Of course."
"Esther, did we pay our UJA pledge?" "Oh my G-d, I forgot to send the check!!"
"Thank Heaven! They'll find us for sure!!"
Diamonds Are Forever:
Sally is flying out to meet
her boyfriend. She falls asleep on the plane and dreams about this gorgeous
diamond ring he'll give her. When she opens her eyes, she spots an even
bigger diamond on the finger of Mrs. Goldstein, a matron sitting next to
her. This is the mother of all diamonds, it is enormous, flawless, glittering...
'My, that's some diamond you've got there', Sally says. 'I've never seen anything like it.'
Mrs. Goldstein sighs. 'I know, my child. This is no ordinary diamond. It's the famous Goldstein diamond. But it comes with a terrible curse.'
'It does?' Sally moves to the edge of the seat. 'So what's the curse?'
Mrs. Goldstein sighs again. 'Mister Goldstein.'
Q - How do we know Jesus was Jewish?
A - He lived at home until
he was 30.
He went into his father's business.
His mother thought he was G-d.
Charity Begins At Home
A Priest, a minister and a
Rabbi were sitting around wondering what to do with all the money they
collected from charity.
The priest said: "I got an idea. Let's draw a circle, throw all the money up in the air, and what falls in the circle we give to G-d.
The Minister said: "I got a better idea. Let's draw a circle, throw all the money up in the air, and what falls outside the circle we give to G-d.
The Rabbi said: "I got even a better idea. Let's draw a circle, throw all the money up in the air, and let G-d take what he wants, and what falls to the ground we keep!
Ginsberg never pays his bills and is seen bargaining with a supplier. "Hey, Ginsberg," Goldberg asks him, why are you knocking that man's prices down ? You're never going to pay him anyway. Listen, - answers Grinsberg,- he is a nice chap. I just want to keep down his losses!
What's For Supper?
Q - What do Jewish wives make
A - Reservations.
Going For A Drive
Sam Shwatrz was driving down the road, gets pulled over by a Policeman. Walking up to Sam's car, the Policeman says, "Your wife fell out the car 5 miles back." Sam replies, "Thank god for that" I'd thought I'd gone deaf!"
At The Bar
A Jewish man walks into a bar
and sits down. He has a few drinks, then he sees a Chinese man and punches
him in the face. "Ouch!" the Chinese man says. "What was that for?" "That
was for Pearl Harbor," the Jewish man says. "But I'm Chinese!" "Chinese,
Japanese, what's the difference?" And the Jewish man sits back down. Then,
the Chinese man walks up to the Jewish man and punches him in the face.
"Ouch!" the Jewish man says.
"What was that for?" "That was for the Titanic," the chinese man says.
"But that was an iceberg!" "Ice berg, Goldberg, what's the difference?"
The Jewish Lawyer
Bernie an old Jewish codger,
was critically ill. Feeling that death was near, he called his lawyer.
"I want to become a lawyer. How much is it for that express degree you told me about?"
"It's $50,000", the lawyer said, "But why? You'll be dead soon, why do you want to become a lawyer?"
"That's my business!" answers Bernie, "Get me the course!"
Four days later, Bernie got his law degree. His lawyer was at his bedside making sure his bill would be paid.
Suddenly the old man was racked with fits of coughing, and it was clear that this would be the end. Still curious, the lawyer leaned over and said, "Please Bernie, before it's too late, tell me why you wanted to get a law degree so badly before you died?"
In a faint whisper, as he breathed his last, Bernie said: "One less Jewish lawyer".
Q. What does the Jewish Santa
A. Ho! Ho! Ho! Anybody wanna buy some toys?
After Christmas vacation, an elementary school teacher was asking her students how they celebrated Christmas. When she got to Sammy, whose father ran a local toy store, she said, "Sammy, since you're jewish, I guess your family didn't celebrate Christmas/"
Sammy replied; "Oh yes, we did. We all held hands and danced around the cash register singing "What a friend we have in Jesus."
An Italian, an Irish and a Jewish guy are sitting around the bar boasting abour their ability to bring their respective wives to orgasm.
The Italian boasts and says, "When I finish making love to my wife she has such a strong orgasm that she screams for 15 minutes after I finish"
The irish guy boasts and says: "you think that's a big deal?. When I finish making love to MY wife she screams for 30 minutes after I finish.
The Jewish guy looks at the others and says: you think you guys are so macho?. let me tell you about my wife. The last time I finished making love to her, I got out of bed, wiped my dock off with the bedroom curtain. My wife is still screaming!!!
How do you say "fuck you" in
Jewish foreplay: Two hours of begging
- Hello -that's you, Abe?
- Yes, dis is Abe...
- It doesn't sount like Abe
- Vell, dis is Abe all right.
- You're positive it's Abe?
- Vell, listen Abie, dis is Moe. Can you lend me feefty dolluhs?
- Ven Abe comes in, I'll tell him you called...
Joke 2/3/97: The Lightbulb Joke
Q. How many Lubavitchers does
it take to change a lightbulb?
A. 1,000,001; one to change it and the others to go around telling
everyone else to change their lightbulbs!
Joke 6/3/97: What???
Q: What's Jewish Alszheimer's
A: It's when you forget everything but the guilt...