May 18th, 2003
Music of the day:
So I got a job. Safeway. I still have a few more interviews to go. Hopefully I'll get a job at the Restaurant that I'm being interviewed at. It's a new restaurant so it would be full time and tips would be quite nice.
I often wonder if I should worry more. Worrying gets us no where, obviously...but my mother seems to think that I need to be more stressed out about things. I'm not. Last night I had my very favorite and very rare kind of donut. All must be right with the world.
My world anyway...I'm completely excited to get lost in someone else's world. So much so that I seem to be forgetting my world. Sometimes that's okay. As long as I recognize it and don't let it go completely. I'm enjoying video games and bands that I've never heard of and Listerine. I love how everything is perfect. So imperfectly perfect :)
Today the constant world of everything comes to end. Parent's return and I go home at night. That's alright though. Everything is still as sugar sweet as the day before. Perfect...
He knows more than I and is so much better at this love thing than I could ever be. Maybe that's what I've needed. Someone to shock me. As most rarely do. He knows what needs to be done for things to work. He knows what to do to let things work. I don't believe he will run. That makes me incredibly happy. It's like he knows something I don't and I'm learning how to do this all over again. This is definitly life.
I didn't do much today. I was up kinda late so I slept for a long time today. I wonder what tomorrow will bring...more happiness and smiles no doubt.
This is what dreams are made of.
Melissa
May 7th, 2003
Music of the day:
So here's what I think. I think that too many Christians are a bunch of hypocrites. And that doesn't go to say that I have never been...cuz I have...more than once. The thing is...I can't sit idly by and conglomerate with those who profess their Christianity as though it is something sacred to them and then turn around the next day and just ignore someone who asks for forgiveness, or constantly look down upon those who miss church one Sunday. Christians aren't perfect...this I know...but it amazes me that those people who make it clear that they are trying to do God's will and trying to do what He wants them to do, hold these grudges and hurt people everyday over and over again.
And another thing...how is it possible for us to truly have free will? I mean...God made us in HIS image so that we would do HIS will, yet he gave us the "choice" of whether or not to follow Him...but at the same time if we choose not to follow Him then we're doomed to the firey pits of Hell for eternity. That doesn't seem like much of a free will kinda choice to me. More like an ultimatum. So the question is...is it possible to have a relationship with God if you don't agree with all of His "rules" that are written in the bible? I would like to think so....but am I just fooling myself? Kinda like a having my cake and eating it too typea deal.
That's my rant for the day...questions or comments feel free to send something my way.
I used to think that I knew what we needed
It's only love
What a challenge, honesty
And its all a part of me, it tears at my heart
There's a part of you I'm trying to reach
Melissa
May 4, 2003
Music of the day:
It's not what you thought, when you first began it. You got what you want, now you can hardly stand it...
I got exactly what I want and at some moments I feel as though I will most certainly explode into every corner of the earth. I can hardly stand it because it's just that good.
I'm not used to being treated so well. I am sure it's difficult to comprehend my surprise when I'm told I will be missed to a certain extent. It's just...and I greatly dislike to chalk it up to past experiences...but that's what it comes down to. All I know of relationships are the experiences that I have had. They haven't been good. I mean...my last real relationship the guy spent every week running away to Burnaby to get away from me instead of coming back because of me. When he did come back he would hide his car so I wouldn't know he was home. Nice eh....reallll nice. So when I'm told efforts will be made to return because of me...shocking I tell you. Very nice...but shocking.
I do feel badly though. People are sad today. Becky is hurting as a friend just passed away. I wish she didn't have to hurt. I wish no one had to. I can't even imagine what it must be like as I haven't had anyone that I really knew personally pass away, all I can do is empathize. And I do....so much...and pray.
I've been thinking about how much time I spend doing meaningless things everyday compared to the amount of time I spend with God. I'm thinking they really don't balance out. At all. This needs to be remedied. Cuz the remedy is the experience, it is a dangerous liason...(blah!). Twenty-four useable hours in every day (Hey Tench! Gimme back my movie!), and at least a portion of that should be reserved for God. I mean I'm living for the guy, should probly spend some time with him.
I've been really into this drowny music lately. I don't know what other way to describe it other than "drowny". Like Sigur Ros and Coldplay and Radiohead and Death Cab for Cutie and Red House Painters. I mean It all makes me feel as though I'm in some sort of dreamstate. I enjoy it.
It's only 12:30am, but I am still jobless (I believe some like to call it unemployed) and should get up early tomorrow to go look for some plink making opportunities.
So that's it. I am insanely happy. I hope it never ends...
I know...
You know...
Just a Melissa
May 3, 2003
Music of the day:
I am incredibly tired. A worthy fatigue, however. Today is Becky's birthday so I will be going to celebrate fairly soon. Just thought I would write something since I haven't in quite some time. This all frightens me so...someone who cares, someone who is above and beyond anything I ever expected for myself and I have to worry about my Christianity. It makes me cry, you know...God is my life. He is what I live for. He's not something I can put down and pick up when it's convenient for me to do so, and the situation that I am presented with causes me to think in such ways. I can't do that. I won't do that. I remember what it ends like. Me crying and begging for the forgiveness that I know is too easily given. Not this time. I don't know what will happen. I don't know. I am happy. I am worried...but I am happy. This could only happen to me...
Can true love be true love without God?
Last night I was with Cameron again :) What a guy...what a guy. I didn't know guys like him existed. What a fabulous surprise. This all leaves me to believe that I am the luckiest girl in the world. Don't screw it up this time, Melissa. Behave yourself and play nice.
I need a job. A full time job. Cameron is leaving. Wagon is indeed in front of horse, however, it's all too quickly coming into view. He deserves this and I am sincerely happy for him. I will miss him though. Entirely. Entirely (echo echo echo...).
This could only happen to me...
Melissa

* Tori Amos's "I Can't See NY", "Northern Lad", "Precious Things"
* Damien Rice's "Cannonball", "Delicate", "The Blower's Daughter"
* Laura Doyle's "Let You Go", "Your Love"
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* Heather Nova's "It's Only Love"
* Goldfrapp
Just assumed we would always be fine
Now I don't think that we lost the feeling
But we let everything build up inside
But love should make us strong
It's only love
But love has been hurting so long
What a struggle to learn to speak
Who'd have thought that
Pretending was easier
It's only love
But love should make us strong
It's only love
But love has been hurting so long
Only love
And it's all an eternity, hoping to learn
Only love
Still a part I don't know
Tell me, is devotion a gift or a thief?
Do you wish I'd let go? ![]()

* Sigur Ros
* Coldplay's "The Scientist"
* Aimee Mann's "Wise Up"
* Radiohead
* Red House Painters
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* Death Cab for Cutie
* Tori Amos
* Finch's "What It Is To Burn (Acoustic)"
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