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June 17, 2003

Music of the day:
* Alanis Morissette's Feast on Scraps
* Tori Amos' Putting The Damage
* The Beatles "Happiness Is A Warm Gun"
* Howie Day's "She Says"

Well Cameron left yesterday. I don't enjoy that. In the past month and twenty-one days...the longest I've gone without seeing him is a day. I don't know if that's just sad or pathetic or neither. I've enjoyed it, that's for certain. I stayed at Cameron's the night before he left and then helped him pack the next day. I was rather irrate. Not because I was angry with him or anything. I was just sad that he was leaving and angry with myself cuz there seemed to be nothing I could do to better the situation. Usually there is always something that I can do, no matter how drastic, to make things okay. This time...I just have to wait it out...(backwards). I'm sure I will manage. It's not even that bad. It's not bad at all when I put it in perspective. I miss him though. I will feel better once I start working. I don't like not working. I feel pretty useless at the moment so tomorrow will be the start of something good.

I hung out with Jeff last night. Haven't done anything with him in quite some time. Good times. It's nice to "chillax" with someone and not have any pressure to be a certain way or to have something in particular to do except hang out. Refreshing.

I began making a video a few days ago. Took some video of me playing the piano and of Cameron and I. I don't really know what to put on it, but I want to have some quality stuff to send back home to my grandparents. Well I just got an idea...hey Jeff...feel like performing that new song for me? Say yes!

I kind of feel numb to everything at the moment. I don't know if I'm happy or if I'm sad or if I'm angry or what. At some moments it's as though there is a spark of something be it happiness, excitement, agression...I know they're around, I just don't know how to trigger one specifically just yet. Earlier today I was watching some Alanis and for a brief moment I felt like boxing, then when I was thinking about going home this summer I felt excited and thinking about how I will be seeing Cameron this weekend sparked the happiness. But they all are so fleeting today. This is all quite depressing but that's the mood for me today. Maybe I'll play some guitar considering I'm incredibly out of practice.


Cameron and Abigail

I made some Rice Krispie Squares ealier today. I used Christmas Rice Krispies *thumbs up*! They aren't as easy to make as those commercials used to imply. And I can't find my Little Earthquakes album! I thought it was in the car, but I couldn't find it when I looked last night. Not good. Not good at all. I also left my Under The Pink album at Becky's place last night. I'm losing all my Tori! GAH!

Before I went out last night I got some ice cream. Chocomalate chip caramel cookie dough ice cream. All the best things in one. I couldn't believe it. It has to be the most marvelous comfort food in the world. I can't keep that up though...if I do I'll be twice the size of me come the weekend. After Jeff's I went to Becky's place and chatted with her for a while. That was good. She's an amazing friend.

I'm not doing much now. Just sitting here typing. I don't suppose tonight will bring much excitement and I kind of just wanna be alone. It's probly not best for me, but one night won't do too much damage I'm sure. Maybe that's all...maybe there will be more...bye bye.

Melancholy Melissa

June 12, 2003

5am Friday morning Thursday night far from sleep
I'm still up and driving can't go home obviously
So I'll just change direction
cause they'll soon know where I live
And I wanna live
Got a full tank and some chips
It was me and a gun and a man on my back
And I sang "holy holy"
as he buttoned down his pants

You can laugh
Its kind of funny
Things you think
Times like these
Like I haven't seen Barbados
so I must get out of this

Yes I wore a slinky red thing
Does that mean I should spread for you,
your friends
Your father
Mr. Ed

It was me and a gun and a man on my back
But I haven't seen Barbados
so I must get out of this
And I know what this means
Me and Jesus a few years back used to hang
And he said "It's your choice babe - just remember
I don't think you'll be back
in 3 days time so you choose well"

Tell me whats right
Is it my right to be on my stomach
of Fred's Seville

It was me and a gun and a man on my back
But I haven't seen Barbados
so I must get out of this

And do you know Carolina
Where the biscuits are soft and sweet
These things go through your head
when there's a man on your back
And you're pushed
flat on your stomach
it's not a classic Caddilac

It was me and a gun and a man on my back
But I haven't seen Barbados
so I must get out of this
I haven't seen Barbados so I must get out of this

...then I wrote this...
Dirt

June 7, 2003

Music of the day:
* Something Corporate's "Konstantine"
* Taking Back Sunday's "Good Enough"
* Tori Amos' "Silent All These Years"
* Wheat's "Don't I Hold You"

It's been a while, eh? I've been out and about, having quite an enjoyable time and just haven't found a moment to make an update. I am certain that by now you have all given up on the idea of anything new. Surprise surprise here we go again...

I went for a bike ride today. It's bloody hot so I nearly died again. Just like all those other times that I nearly died. I went down to Delair and wrote underneath a tree and listened to some muzak and mosied on over to the swing and floated for a while. It was all very much fun and I thought about how I felt young again. Me being such a granny and all. I'm sure it's time that makes us old. And not in the literal sense, but more in the consciousness of time sense. Back when I was a kid I had no sense of time. I never worried about it. But now...now I've always gotta be somewhere at sometime or go here or there at a certain hour. Even when it's just having fun, there's the element of time that robs me of the childlike feelings that were once so substantial. Funny.

So I quit Safeway. But I got another job at a restaurant and I start on Wednesday. At this point I'll do just about anything that offers plink. If this doesn't work out I've got a perfectly good soul that I'm willing to negotiate for. Bah!

Cameron is moving to Burnaby in eight days. I'm not at all worried about things, it's just I wish he didn't have to go anywhere. It might be easier if I had some sort of transportation device besides the bus. Then I wouldn't feel so cut off from him. I'll work on that one. Could be a few...years...but at least I can try.

Everyday it's just better and better. Some days I fear that if I don't come up with some sort of expression I just might spontaneously combust...just like all those drummers. Three words and a few hugs just don't cut it. Just don't cut it at all.

I've been playing the piano a lot lately. Not so much the guitar though and that can be discouraging...but I'm gunna try and pick that up some more. On that note I'm gunna go play the piano. It's been grand. Lovely even. Bye bye now!

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