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April 29, 2003

Music of the day:
* Alanis Morissette - "Under Rug Swept"
* Tori Amos - "Scarlet's Walk"
* John Coltrane

Ahhh...finally a moment to write. So here I am, happy again :D Everything is perfect right now. Well...not entirely perfect..but almost! I can't really recall the last time that I was this happy, but it's wicked!:) I went out with Cameron last night and yunno what? It's perfect. I wouldn't change a thing. I really enjoy the fact that we can just sit there, with F-1 beaming and be. Not really doing anything other than "spending time" and chatting. Perfect...

I bare my windowed self untamed and untrained
Dreams that hardly touch our complexions truest faults
If room enough for both my drowsy spirit shall fall
Bold waves tumble to the season of my heart
Where you have offended my faith and my trust
Until all is lost into the beauty of the day
But there's something in the way you laugh
That makes me feel like a child
Aspects of life they confuse me
You and your thesis amuse me
After and afternoon with you
And your rich brown eyes
Your lips and dark hair
Elbows and exposed knees tossing toward the ceiling
After an afternoon
Face to palm
Tear to tear
Mouth to tongue
Heart to ground
I am in love

Everything's coming up Camhouse!


Trogdor VS. Vespers (Courtesy of Cameron)

Love love love, Melissa

April 22, 2003

Music of the day:
* Aimee Mann's "Save Me"
* Sigur Ros
* Jason Mraz

There won't be anymore picatures for quite some time as I don't have a camera with me. Canmore is the same as it was six months ago. Small, hot, small and hot. I'm not feeling well so this may all sound farily negative when in fact it isn't that bad.

I am staying with my friend Jeff, but the place is really tiny so the sooner I can get to work and get a place of my own the better. I don't figure I'll start work until Thursday or Friday. I'm not feeling well. I have a cold (again with the bad timing). It's making things more difficult to adjust to. I don't know if I am feeling down and unhappy because of the sickness or if it's because I am missing Abbotsford. Who knows. I do miss peoples though. I miss Becky. I miss Cameron (ouch! that was like being kicked in the shins), I miss Jeff and Dean and Steph and so I basically miss everyone.

I have been playing my guitar and getting started on some letter writing. I only have four minutes left to be on this machine so I'm gunna have to finish up here and have you wonder what is going on until next time. I got a new phone number today. It's 403-688-7730. I don't know my address. That's all for now. Bye bye

Sick Melissa

April 20, 2003

Music of the day:
* Tori Amos' "A Sorta Fairytale"
* Taking Back Sunday
* Finch's "Letters to You", "A Song For You", "Without You Here"

Packing is finally finished, laundry is on its way...I'm just about ready to go. Last night I went out with Cameron and we looked at the film "You Can Count on Me". It was good actually :) More chatting and staring and just being occured while listening to three bars of music play over and over again at the end of the dvd. Yah "The Loop"! We had Mrazberry soda (it was pink!) and thumb wars. It was wonderful :) I think I fell asleep and kept saying things out of the blue that made no sense. I kept thinking about PFLAG aswell. I forget what it stands for. It's from the movie Reality Bites. Something like "Parents of Lesbians and Gays"...who knows. Anyway...around 6am I woke up and realised...hey...I should go home. So I have to go now....but i'll write more laters...

April 19, 2003

Music of the day:
* Tegan and Sara
* Beck
* Goldfrapp
* The Beatles

I haven't written in a couple of days cuz I've been quite busy. I'm trying to tie up any loose ends here in Abby before I leave. Most everything is taken care of except for some last minute packing. I still have quite a few people that I would like to spend some more time with before leaving, so hopefully later this evening that can happen, or maybe tomorrow.

Friday afternoon Cam came and picked me up and we went to Tim Horton's and then off to no where in particular, but surprisingly ended up in Langley. We went to Krazy Bob's record store but it was closed :( That was no good. So I gots myself a cotton candy drink and we went to a big fountain type thing and sat around and engaged in some egg shaking. Watched the people nearly fall into the fountain...and chatted it up. Then we left for another aimless destination. We ended up in Whiterock!:) At the beach. The ocean! The quickest way to Radgirl's heart is through the ocean! Smooth Cam...real smooth ;) We walked on the beach for a while and did some sand drawings that were quickly eaten up by the incoming tide. Radgirl and a Cameron = 10:15 Club. Kodak moments indeed. Engaged in some more of the egg shaking and rock throwing and tide jumping. Time went very quickly and it was such a nice day and by the time we left it was like seven or eight o'clock. Crazyness. Before we hit home we picked up some spiralled Kraft Dinner and then went to Cam's place and had dinner. Kraft Dinner. Mmmm. His whole family kept gettin all excited about some local hockey team (that really sucks) winning though...so that put a damper on things :p But hey...that victory will be short lived. We played some Zelda...that was fun. I kept falling in the water though. Nearly drowned once! Terribly frightening experience. Then Cam got some type of incredisword for me and I ran after the pigs with it. HAHA! It was great :D

After all that we watched Magnolia at my place. Strange movie..but very interesting none the less. Makes one wonder who we are connected to and how we affect the other people around us. That was a long movie...wasn't over until nearly 2 in the morning and we started watching it shortly after ten. Mind you...we did have numerous interruptions with all the ringing of the telemaphones and visiting of the peoples. Dom and her friend Kristy dropped by. That was interesting. But my Fufu Berry soda saved us all in the end. I just wanted to mention my Fufu Berry soda actually. Get away from my car bunny fufu rabbit.

After the movie there was discussion and braiding of the hair and picature viewing and more divulging and sharing and guitaring. At about 5am we decided sleep would be good and wrapped up our 16 hour outting. Perfect. It was perfect. Just what a day should be like. It's days like these that make it difficult to say goodbye and leave this all behind. "But I'm not doubling back now" :)

Today I went out and ran some errands with Becky and now I'm off to run some more and then have some dinner. So if I get a chance tonight I will write some more. For now...I'm off. Cya

Always always always from Melissa

April 17, 2003

Music of the day:
* Tori Amos
* Dashboard Confessional
* Taking Back Sunday

So here's the deal...I'm sitting here with Steph and Jeff waiting for him to take a shower so we can get on with our lives. This is what happened today. I packed all my stuff up. Most of it. I'm nearly done. Nearly! I ran around trying to finish up some last minute things and my family arrived from Alberta so I talked to them for a couple mins and Jeff rushed me out the door. We've just dyed his hair blue and we're gunna leave to go into Vancouver soon for some sort of show. I'm told I will like it. Rather, that I must like it. I'm gunna try and take a picature on Jeff's comp. Here goes...

Gold....pure gold.

That's all for now...

Well tonight is over. It went okay. Bands were good. Jeff's hair is blue. What more can you ask for. Much more...much much more.

I can't wait to get away...:(

Meeeeeeeeeeeeeelissa

April 15, 2003

Music of the day:
* Tegan and Sara
* Finch
* Tyler Hamlet

Hey...the past couple of days have been busy busy. Good though. Yesterday I packed some more of my things, but I still have quite a bit more to go. I also went to bible study last night. I really enjoy it, even if I don't say much of anything at all. The weird thing is that after I came home I had a three hour conversation with someone about God and what having a relationship with God means and why it is difficult to rebuild a relationship with Him after you've destroyed it etc., and we also discussed euthanasia which was the topic at bible study. I am definitly a one on one type 'a' girl. I still enjoy listening though. Hearing what other people have to say and what their views are.

Today I had every intention of taking my mom to work and using her vehicle. That didn't pan out so well since my bed was so warm and comfortable. I babysat Abigail for a couple hours and when my dad got home I had to burninate it up to work and try to get someone to cover my shift tomorrow night cuz I had every intention of going to watch Jeff play a song. I couldn't get a hold of a couple peoples and everyone who I did talk to said they couldn't. I was about to leave when I realised that one of the girls also worked at another store in the mall so I went there and asked her and she took it. That was all well and dandy.

I went out with my friend Cam after dinner and we went and played some Skeeball where I promptly left him in the dust with a whopping 280 points. We moved on to some other game though and he quickly beat me back down off my pedestal. Did a little air hockeying, came back with a surprising free game. I lost both time but hey it was worth it. I get too worked up and begin laughing uncontrollably. I have no idea what is so hilarious about air hockey, especially when I'm losing, but it happens. After that it was on to some crazy dancing machine. Again, I lost. But I figured if I died well at least I tried. Played some foozball (I don't even know how to spell it), which I won! Well...the first game anyway. Oh yah...did I mention I won the game of rock, paper, scissors just before the dancing machine game? Mmmhmmmm! Played some Duck Hunt. I was better at that when I was four. Played some more Skeeball and I hate to say it, but my reign was quickly erased by Cam's abounding 300 points :( Oh well, next time...next time. I got my....six...yes...six gummy worms out of it.

I went to Vespers after that and was rather flush-ed after trying to get there so quickly. I went to Becky's but she had already left so I went back over and to my surprise not many peoples were there so I was lucky. The worship was quite good. It was a good wrap up and left me feeling refreshed. Tonight was the first time in a long time that I felt as close to God as I used to feel. Even more so. It was very nice, to put it lightly. Last night when I was having the discussion about God with my friend, I just found myself ranting and raving about Him and going off on tangents about Him and all the while feeling this unexplainable smile on my face. It's the best kind of love.

Jeff is sick. That is not good :( If I knew of some home remedy that would make people better in a matter of minutes, then I would give it to him. But I don't. Sorry Jeff. I was thinking about what I could do, but I'm lacking in the idea department. You just don't strike me as the "flowers make me feel better when I'm sick" type. A "hope you get better soon cuz being sick sucks" doesn't seem to cut it for me...but anything else would be unacceptable.

I have a craving for cookie dough. Yunno...the tubed Pilsbury stuff. I used to eat it with a spoon. I eat ice cream with a fork. It just tastes better that way. You know what? I'm really not in the mood for interneting and writing my thoughts out here. I need someone to talk back. A discussion of sorts. To share and divulge instead of just typing at something. So that's all I have for this evening. Nothing else that's inside my head feels the need to jump out right now. Besides...as I've said before...if you really wanna know...you'll ask :)

Bye bye for now

~Melissa Melissa Melissa

April 13, 2003

Music of the day:
* Snake River Conspiracy
* Dashboard Confessional
* Finch's "Letters To You", "Stay With Me"

Hey ya'll! Last night I went out with Steph and Jeff and watched a film with some other peoples. It was quite good. All emotional like :) I enjoyed myself very much as I usually do when I'm with those peoples ;)

Today I boxed with my punching bag. That was good. It's always much fun and such a sweet release. I hung out with Becky afterwards and we chatted and such. Tomorrow night it's bible study which I am looking forward to. It's gunna be the last time I get to go before I leave. ....mmmmmm write more later

Sorry 'bout that. The telemaphone rang. Telemaphhhoooooone...telemaphooooone. I really really enjoy this song "I'm on Fire". It's perfect! "I got a bad desire" fits my state right now cuz it could be taken either way. A "bad" desire as in it's not good or a "bad" desire as in an intense desire. Then there's the idea of waking up in the middle of the night with a "freight train running through the middle of my head". I have a lot on my mind. Important decisions and such. There again I am one to partake in melodrama :) I have a ball and I keep throwing it from one hand to the other...tell him...don't tell him...tell him...don't tell him. Although it is just a matter of stating the obvious because I am nearly positive that he knows. Haha...I feel like I am in highskool again. I'm sure I am acting like it too. Oh bother. Alright...so here's the decision...if he asks me straight out if it is in fact him...then I won't look him in the eye and lie to him...I'll look away and do it. No no...I wouldn't. I couldn't. I've already worked my way around admitting myself too many times. "Once again your eyes make it hard to ask you why"...

I hurt my wrist pretty badly today when I was boxing. I yelled a couple things and started kicking haha. I think I will write a song tonight. Then I will sing it for you tomorrow. No...I probably won't. But I would if you asked me to!:)

I have much to discuss and share, but not on here. There's something about being in the presence of a person that makes things much more memorable and personal and meaningful and nerve wracking and boundary breaking. Hopefully before I leave...hopefully before I go. :)

Abounding love from Melissa

April 12, 2003

Music of the day:
* Alice in Chains - Jar of Flies
* Elton John
* Incubus - Make Yourself

I finally got around to packing today. I'm only half done though. Jeff took down all my picatures for me (yah Jeff *thumbs up*) and Eckebay folded almost all my clothes and took down lots of posters and wrapped breakables (yah Becky *pinkys up*). You guys are awesome and I appreciate you so very much I can't even begin to explain!

I wrote my english 120 exam today. I'd say it went quite well for someone who didn't study *again with the thumbs up*. I only had a few hours of sleep last night so I am very very tired and about to topple over onto the keyboard. Yeah yeah yer always tired.

Back in the day I used to try when I was interested in someone. But now...that I'm not trying, I thought it would be easier. I wouldn't feel so worn out and frustrated after seeing you. However, I do believe I still feel those things because I'm keeping it to myself. I just really think it would be best to...let it go. Or at least...just hold off on my thoughts until I come back. It's incredibly frustrating. Cuz I wanna talk to you...I just...can't. Yeah yeah there's no such thing as "can't". It's for the best, you know. The way I figure it is if I tell you and your response is in fact a positive one, I will want to stay and spend more time with you to work on the whole friendship thing. There again, it could be negative and that would leave me all sad and such. Soooo if I go away and we stay in touch while I'm away and talk more then I'll know there's real potential and it wasn't just some stupid feeling inside like every other time. That makes sense, right? I believe it does. I'm looking out for your best interest as well as mine. I want something substantial. Not frivilous. I'm interested to see what will happen. It's all beginning now. Everything that will have an impact on the rest of my life is beginning to come in to view...I can feel it happening. Every choice I make, every word I say...so I'll be sure to choose carefully. I don't want to ruin you or me...so friends it is then? Excellent. I still have a certainty...a strange certainty that one day I'll be part of "mystery dude"'s life in a bigger way. I just have a strange, kinda of frightening, intimidating, excited feeling about it. We will certainly see. :)

I am tired though so I am going to go to sleep for a while. It's been an intense day...

Big love love love from Melissa :)

April 11, 2003

Music of the day:
* Tori Amos - cover of "I'm on Fire"
* Live Waking Jude and Frank Currie

Hey little girl is your daddy home
Did he go away and leave you all alone
I got a bad desire
I'm on fire

Tell me now baby is he good to you
Can he do to you the things that I do
I can take you higher
I'm on fire

Sometimes it's like someone took a knife baby
Edgy and dull and cut a six-inch valley
Through the middle of my soul

At night I wake up with the sheets soaking wet
And a freight train running
Through the middle of my head
Only you can cool my desire
I'm on fire

Sometimes it's like someone took a knife baby
Edgy and dull and cut a six-inch valley
Through the middle of my soul
Hey little girl is your daddy home
Did he go away and leave you all alone
I got a bad desire
I'm on fire

Yum. Funny that it came from you. Restless that it came from you...

This is from me. Melissa Carrie Hull

April 10, 2003

Music of the day:
* Waking Jude
* The Nixons

Alrighty. See that? That's me lookin' dorky and awkward in my prom dress. It's surprisingly comfortable. It's all sparkly and blue and puffy. My kinda dress.

Today I didn't do much again. I started doing laundry...oh which reminds me...brb...
So I've decided that I'm going to laundry in my prom dress from now on. It's great! 'Cept I have to go to the laundry place in Canmore. Be kinda awkward walking down the street in my dress.

I worked this evening. My head was spinning the whole time and I kept messing things up and slowing myself down. Then cranky customers bugged me. However, my boss told me if I don't want to come to work tomorrow I don't have to. So I'm not gunna. I'm gunna study and go to a concert instead. I cannot wait until this weekend is over. Well Saturday anyway cuz then I won't have to worry about my exam anymore. OH! I got egg shakers today!! Okay this band Stellastar or whatever they're called is not good. I don't enjoy them at all. If they can get a record deal then I wonder what I can do?!:o

Today was good though. I had some fun convo :) It's great fun to hold knowledge and be able to play with it. I'm trying to think of some interesting clues to place within this evening's dialogue, but there isn't much. Besides..."mystery dude" knows that he is in fact "mystery dude" haha. Oh what fuN! :D *Yawn*

So I'm sittin here...with nothing real intriguing to speak of. Well...if there's no passion...there is no point. So goodnight :)

Meeeeeeelissa Carrie Hull

April 9, 2003

Music of the day:
* The Ataries
* Cory Branan

I think everyone who is looking to read something, should call me instead. That would be fun. Just dial 604-556-4730. I will probably just be around somewhere burning bridges.

Today was mello. Nothing happened really. I cleaned. I organized my famine stuff. I've raised $232.75! I still have a month to raise more so I'm gunna try. I have to write thank you letters to everyone who donated and let them know how they helped. I am very tired. I have to work tomorrow night, but it should be fun. My last shift hopefully! I'm gunna try and get rid of my Friday shift so I can study. I didn't realise last Tuesday was my last English class before the final, so I need to reread some stories and such.

I went to my friend Ben's place tonight and we looked at the film American Pop. It was alright. Heard a Janis Joplin song that I liked though. I went to ea and got a cotton candy latte. Didn't taste too cotton candyish though. Maybe next time. Last night I was on the phone till four in the morning. Good conversation though. Learned lots. I cannot believe that I only have a little over a week left here. I thought I had more time. Apparently not. Wow...it's gunna be strange leaving here again. Knowing that when...if I come back things won't be the same at all. But people must move on and evolve, right? Gotta grow up some time. As much as I try to fight it.

So I don't think I'll go off on any crazy rants this evening. I'm not feelin' it this evening. Well I am. But more discouraged with the idea. Maybe I'll just leave a little quote or something. I started up my old computer tonight and I found over 90 poems that I had completely forgotten about. Some of the first poems that I ever wrote. I also found picatures of Meg :( I couldn't look at them all...it's too saddening. I miss her. Let's not think about that right now...

You must know...
It's obvious...

Reality Bites is a good film. I enjoyed it very much. Kinda reminded me of someone I once dated and myself. They knew each other so well that they knew the exact buttons to jump on to irritate each other. They fought so much, but when it came down to it all they wanted was to be together. Hmmm.

I'm kind of sad tonight. Not entirely sure why, but I have a pervading heaviness that is completely depressing. I am probably just tired. Or maybe I just need a hug. A hug would be nice. A hug would be good. I would have to say hugs are my favorite thing. But only when they are meant. Being hugged by someone who doesn't wanna hug you is not fun nor is it comforting. My hair is falling out. My mother says I'm going bald just like my father. I wanna try out dreds...that'd be fun. Possibly. I think I'd feel kinda dirty though. I like having clean hair. Do you wanna hear something?
"Please tell me you're just feeling tired
cause if it's more than that I feel that I might break
out of touch, out of time.
Please send me anything but signals that are mixed
cause I can't read your rolling eyes
out of touch, are we out of time?"
I like the way God works. It keeps me on my toes! It's funny how I have complete faith that "things will work out". I mean...I'm impatient and childish, but I have this comfort in the idea that He's got a plan and it is slowly being revealed to me. I feel like stepping back and pushing away any emotions I have and letting things fall into place. But I don't think that's the right way to do it either. There's gotta be emotion involved. Yet things have to evolve on their own. Wow it's difficult to decipher when to step in to take action and when to step back. Gah! Help a girl out here. Maybe God will tell me in a dream or something. Yah that's the plan...pray about it and look for the answer in a dream haha. Oh bother.

I don't wanna think about you when I'm gone. It will make things much more difficult. Out of sight, out of mind? No that never works for me. Maybe I'll meet some God loving, blue eyed, song writing, guitar playing, music loving, loud singing (not to be pro, but louder than the radio), passionate, real, playful, entertaining, charming boy who will sweep me off my feet (in the literal sense of course) and make me forget all about you. Nah...I doubt it haha :)

Well now that I'm in a good mood I think I'll get on to bed.

Melissa :)

April 8, 2003

Music of the day:
* Dashboard Confessionals
* Jason Mraz's "Burning Bridges"

Well today is over. It was a looonnnng day. Not real bad, but not entirely good either. Becky spent the night last night and we ended up laying in bed talking until all hours, saying "pseudo goodnight" cuz we knew we'd just start talking again. It was great. We were reminising about our trip to Seattle. That was the best time. Not even the Mraz part...that was just a bonus. Just how much fun we all had in the hotel room that night, and driving there and back. 24 hours before the show our ride bailed on us so I called up Dean who I hadn't spoken to in years and asked if he'd like to see a free concert. So he made a few calls and the next morning we left for Seattle. It was great!:) I adopted the grey mesh hat and Becky had a strange fettish with some orange shoelaces and I don't believe any of us were entirely sure if we would make it there. We did, however, and it was wonderful! At the hotel we got free cookies and milk, but Becky and Shona are on this whole "we can't eat good food" diet so Dean and I had to eat all the cookies hehe. Darn. That night was hilarious. We decided that Shona and Becky would share a bed and Dean would sleep on the outside of the covers while I took the underside or something like that, on the other bed...but in the end all of us were in the same bed squished like...things that are squished...sardines? No that's gross...just really squished. The room reaked of cotton candy cuz I went on a spraying frenzy and it was about a million a degrees in there. I recall something about pots and pans on the radio. Dean's favorite Seattle radio station I suppose. LOL! That was terrible. Imagine somebody wailing on pots and pans and smashing them together and broadcasting it in the middle of the night. That's what we had to listen to! Eventually we ended up dispersing into two beds and morning came wayyyy too soon. So we stumbled downstairs for our free breakfast looking like zombies and got ready to head home. Before leaving town we went and got some "on the road" snacks. Becky and Shona got some drink that they couldn't have until their "splurge day" and Dean and I decided to get some unknown chocomalate bars. They were pretty good actually...Dean's was better than mine though...I can't member what it was...but it was excellent. At one of the stops on the way home Becky ended up having to jump in through the window...twice...as we were driving away haha! Ahhh good times...good times.

Anyway...back to today. I went to skool and handed in my crappy essay. Gah...*shaking my head in shame*...not looking forward to seeing that grade. After that I walked very quickly to work and closed by myself. I like it that way though...no one looking over my shoulder all the time. I rarely get headaches...but during the last fifteen minutes of my shift the phone was ringing off the hook and all the customers that were left in the store decided to come up to make their purchases...THAT gave me a headache. Quick...how many times can Melissa say "thank you for calling Sportchek Sevenoaks, Melissa speaking how may I help you?" in 60 seconds? It was insaney I tell ya. After work I went to Becky's and we went to Subway for supper and then we both got something to satisfy our need for sweets. I'm still full. I will be full for days. Well probly not. We watched part of the movie She's All That. It's kinda stereotypical, but with sweet undertones at the same time. Then we went to Vespers. That place was packed. It was good. I still feel too far away from God and I keep feeling like crying at the thought of it. It only gets better though. This time...it only gets better.

It's about that time again when I start to reveal the little bits of me, that from time to time aren't so well hidden. You wanna hear what I like? "You hold on to your secrets and I'm not privy to what is on your mind, And I can't help but feel tired". I wanna be privy, I really do. Doesn't seem like you wanna let me in though. That's alright. Maybe it's not everything I imagine it to be. It usually isn't, but I can hear it in the way that you smile and make things so quiet sometimes. It gets real quiet sometimes. Things stand still and I see you trying so hard to be where He wants you to be. He loves you, you know. And I admire the way in which you try to love him back. It's so hard some times, yunno? Just to pry my thoughts away from what is so petty, to something that is heavenly. I hope you'll still be here when I come back. I hope you'll still be here if I come back. I won't say your name in hopes that you will fade, in hopes that you won't say that I'm not what consumes your heart, in hopes that maybe it could be something more than all the misinterpretations of love that I have felt so quickly fade. It's obvious. I want it that way. But I will never say your name. I won't ruin you this time. I won't ruin me this time. And in that, is where I begin to believe that this could mean something. Because of the way that I won't let lust steal the passion that is hidden with your love. Cuz yunno...love is patient...right? I can swing that. I know He will lead me, I just hope it's back to you...

Figure that one out.

Well it's gettin kinda late and I have a whole lotta nothin to do tomorrow. Packing would be great...but it's kinda boring all alone. It's fun to keep you on your toes :) I think I will start a Carebear collection. That up there...yeah that does't mean much. It means a lot...but not as much as yesterdays did. It's nice to write out what is reeling through my mind and know that you have no idea and all the knowledge in the world of what I'm talking about. Goodnight :)

Mel

P.S. I'm so quiet that I often wonder if that's the reason that everything I try to say in less than words tends to go unnoticed.

April 6, 2003

Music of the day:
* Waking Jude - The Shadows EP
* Taking Back Sunday
* Finch "What It Is To Burn"

I'm getting lazy obviously. That or I just have nothing interesting to write about. But that couldn't be, cuz there is always interesting junk reeling around in my head. This weekend...I worked. I also slept a lot. I also played my guitar. Not nearly enough however. I tried to work on my essay but that didn't get very far. I went out with Becky on Saturday. I bought clothes. Gah! Not good. I had a strawberry orange julius...not as good as I recall. Today I got up for church and realised that the times jumped ahead last night so I ended up being too late. I had a staff meeting. Waste of time. But I got flowers and a red sucker. I went to Cary's and watched Ghost World. That was a good movie. NOw I'm in a bad mood. I need some loud music and time spent with someone who interests me. Why is everyone so much the same? That is really boring! Maybe that's what makes me so eager to get out of here. THe people that I would actually be interested in spending more time with have more important things to do or I rarely get to see them. Sucks to all of it. Wow listen to how whiney I'm being. I have a right to one whiney day every now and then do I not? Yes, yes I do. So this is gunna be it.

For the life of me I cannot figure out how my parents' logic works. They say I should keep my options open by not ruling out school (what they want me to do) so while I'm keeping my options "open" I should enrole and commit myself to four months of classes all the while wasting money and time that could be put towards other options that I would actually enjoy! So...help me out here...am I just missing something or does their logic make no logic!?!?

THIS IS WHAT LIVING LIKE THIS DOES!!!!

GOod line...good line. "A beautiful girl can make you feel dizzy like you've been drinking jack and coke all morning. She can make you feel high, full, a single greatest comotady known to man promise, promise of a better day, promise of a greater hope, promise of a new tomorrow. This particular ora can be found in the gate of a beautiful girl, in her smile and in her soul and the way she makes every rotton little thing about life seem like it's gonna be ok." It will be. Of course it will be. There's so much to share, so much to tell and so much to find out. Where is it? I wanna be given the opportunity to share. I want to find out everything about you. I don't know who you are. And worst of all, you don't even care that I'm leaving.

This is how it is. I like Kraft Dinner. I do! I could live on it. I also like Spagetti O's. But you cannot buy them here. Only in Newfoundland. Well the east coast anyway. I want to travel...mmmm I want to travel. I want to go everywhere. Italy, Paris, London, Boston (I don't know why...I just feel drawn to it), Scotland, Germany (I want to see, as horrific as it was, where Hitler did away with so many people), Home...I want to go home...I miss my nan. I want to write. I want to write music. Poetry...words are amazing. I want to write poetry. I want someone to be interested in reading it. I want someone to WANT to find out. I draw...did you know that? I may not do it really well...but I still do it and I enjoy it. Especially charcoal. Charcoal is fun. I have this thing with chocomalate...it's like its own little food group. And yunno what else? I greatly dislike having to try to explain myself. I don't have to do it. Nobody asks me to. But I fear that if I don't, people will go away getting the wrong idea about me. There's so much more than you know...and if you knew it...or even began to find out...you would be intrigued! I'm not arrogant although I may have just come across as being just that...it's just...I don't understand why people aren't interested as I am so interested in them. And I don't mean all relationshipy wise...I just mean interested in them as a person. Everybody has so much to tell, so much going on and it's a crime that we will never know even a smidgen of most of it. I want to sing at the top of my lungs and jump up and down to really loud music. I love music. I love it. I can feel it inside me. It makes me cry you know...but in a happy way. It's just that good. I like the color blue. It's my favorite. My husband will have blue eyes. I'm sure of it. I won't chose accordingly, however, I have no doubt. I like my nose. It's all decorated nowadays. Just like a Christmas tree. Not quite. I don't want to get a tatoo. I like my skin as is. And it would hurt. I don't want anymore piercings either...'cept maybe more ear stuff. I want to play my guitar. With someone though. That would be comfortable. Sit and play and discuss and drink hot chocomalate and be one on one. Listen to music that I have never heard and music that I have heard and divulge and jump in not fearing what the other may be thinking of me, but knowing that they are enjoying it as much as I am. I enjoy that the most. Music and relating. And sharing. What do you think? Cuz I really want to know.

That's what I want...
That is a piece of me
Pieces of me that you have never seen...
I want to take picatures. I want to keep them in a scrapbook with little notes under them along with things that you have written to me...with things that you have given to me...with inside jokes that no one understands but us and memories of times that could never be replaced with a book. I want rain. You and me and rain. Maybe it's a romantic thing because I am too much of one for my own good...but it would be so fun, don't you think? I want hugs. Those are good. I really like hugs. It doesn't matter what the reason, hugs are good at any time. Especially when they are meant. You gotta mean a hug or there is no point in giving one. I want one. Everything I own is rainbow. Most things. Socks. Pj pants. Sweaters. Hair elastics. Mugs (yah Dean!) from the V.V. Boutique. I want to get letters from you, you know. THat would be nice. It would make me feel special. Cuz we had a connection...there's something there. I felt it. I'm not stupid this time. That's why I am going away. It needs time. Lots of time. Time to feed upon the imperfections and grow to love all of the things you won't want to live without. Things that you will miss, things that you don't know you will miss, things that were small yet so huge in my mind. Things that I enjoyed about you, lots of things. Things that made you laugh! Made you laugh really loud. Things that made me smile at the thought and laugh out loud in the middle of a public place. I saw that memory being created right before my eyes. And the worst part is...you don't even care that I am leaving...

~Mel

April 2, 2003

Music of the day:
* Jason Mraz - "Cosmic Dancer", "No Doubling Back" & "Life's Great Work"
* Elton John - "Rocket Man" & "Bennie and the Jets"
* Finch - "What It Is To Burn"

I haven't written anything in a few days because nothing could live up to my evening a la Mraz. Gah...I can't think about it...it's too much. Haha. So after the concert I came home and Danny came over and we watched Chasing Amy. That will always be a great movie. No matter how often I see it. Turns out his band Martial Law is opening for Bad Religion in Vancouver on May 3rd. How crazy is that? I remember back when he was playing with Absoulution in a church basement! Now he's opening for a band at the Collesium. Insaney I tell ya.

Saturday...what did I do on Saturday? Couldn't have been that exciting since I can't remember. Oh yes...on Saturday! haha...of course! I went to get my nose pierced! How could I forget! Becky and I went to see if she could get a piercing done, but they had to order in the thing...yunno...the thing...the jewellery. So I figured..hey we're here...actually...Becky figured...hey we're here, why not get your nose pierced. Sooooooo I did. It was...nerve wracking. I nearly passed out again (I say again cuz of my whole belly button piercing incident. haha). But I like it. It's tini tiny, but I enjoy it. It's blue! *thumbs up*

On Sunday morning I went to church and found my favorite pick. *again with the thumbs up*. Monday rolled around and I didn't go to class. I went to bible study. No Samurai Jack this week :( Sucks to that, says I. On a note that has nothing to do with anything...I'm not gunna have alcomahol at my wedding. I'm gunna have Jones' Soda instead. See that's assuming I'm going to have a wedding...and that Jones' soda will still be around by the time I convince someone to marry me.:)

Tuesday I babysat Abigail. She was rockin' out again...see...

I went to Vespers and was kinda disamapointed cuz it wasn't regular Vespers. It was this group from somewhere or another doing drama to music and giving testimonies. Don't get me wrong. Kudos to them for having the courage to do it all...just not my deal is all. I was lookin' forward to some good musical worship. Menh well...next week. I only have...what's the date...two more nights of Vespers left. Then it's off to Canmore. I will miss everyone here. Specially my new friends. And the old ones that I've been reviving friendships with. However, I think it will be best that I leave for a while. Things are...how should I say this...getting "heated" with parents and certain people and everyday is more confusing than the next. Head clearage time is necessary.

Today I cleaned. I cleaned a lot! I went through all of my things and got rid of homework from grade ten that I figured I probly wouldn't need anymore so now when I have to pack up all of my things, there won't be any unnecessary garbage in the way. It's saddening. I actually have to pack up ALL of my things on account of my parents moving and all. It will different. When I come home...it won't be home. It will just be a strange house that I didn't do any growing up in. I don't like that idea. I'm too sentimental for my own good. Same with the romance thing...I'm too much of a romantic for my own good. My head begins to spin...oh look I hear msn..and there it goes.

Tomorrow I work. Of course I got called in to fill in for our manager who is always sick. But I get to quit soon so that will be fun! But that's all for now cuz I'm getting messaged to heck! So goodnight!

Mel

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