Deep Thoughts by Jack Handey

Here are a bunch of deep thoughts by jack handey(snl) which i find hilarious so i hope you do to!

• Dad always thought laughter was the best medicine, which I guess is why several of us died of tuberculosis.
• I hope if dogs ever take over the world, and they choose a king, they don't just go by size, because I bet there are some Chihuahuas with some good ideas.
• It takes a big man to cry, but it takes a bigger man to laugh at that man.
• Ambition is like a frog sitting on a Venus Flytrap. The flytrap can bite and bite, but it won't bother the frog because it only has little tiny plant teeth. But some other stuff could happen and it could be like ambition.
• I'd rather be rich than stupid.
• If you define cowardice as running away at the first sign of danger,screaming and tripping and begging for mercy, then, yes, Mister Brave Man, I guess I am a coward.
• I bet one legend that keeps recurring throughout history, in every culture, in the story of Popeye.
• When you go in for a job interview, I think a good thing to ask is if they ever press charges.
• To me, boxing is like a ballet, except there's no music, no choreography, and the dancers hit each other.
• What is it that makes a complete stranger dive into an icy river to save a solid gold baby? Maybe we'll never know.
• We tend to scoff at the beliefs of the ancients. But we can't scoff at them personally, to their faces, and this is what annoys me.
• Probably the earliest flyswatters were nothing more than some sort of striking surface attached to the end of a long stick.
• I think someone should have had the decency to tell me the luncheon was free.To make someone run out with potato salad in his hand, pretending he's throwing up, is not what I call hospitality.
• To me, clowns aren't funny. In fact, they're kind of scary. I've wondered where this started, and I think it goes back to the time I went to the circus, and a clown killed my dad.
• As I bit into the nectarine, it had a crisp juiciness about it that wasvery pleasurable -- until I realized it wasn't a nectarine at all, but A HUMAN HEAD!!!
• Most people don't realize that large pieces of coral, which have beenpainted brown and attached to the skull by common wood screws, can make a child look like a deer.
• If trees could scream, would we be so cavalier about cutting them down? We might, if they screamed all the time, for no good reason.
• Better not take a dog on the space shuttle, because if he sticks his head out when you're coming home his face might burn up
• You know what would make a good story? Something about a clown who makes people happy, but inside he's real sad. Also, he has severe diarrhea.

• If you're a horse, and someone gets on you, and falls off, and then gets right back on you, I think you should buck him off right away.
• If you ever teach a yodeling class, probably the hardest thing is to keep the students from just trying to yodel right off. You see, we build to that.
• If you ever fall off the Sears Tower, just go real limp, because maybe you'll look like a dummy and people will try to catch you because, hey, free dummy.
• I'd like to see a nude opera, because when they hit those high notes, I bet you can really see it in those genitals.
• Anytime I see something screech across a room and latch onto someone's neck, and the guy screams and tries to get it off, I have to laugh, because what is that thing?
• Contrary to what most people say, the most dangerous animal in the world is not the lion or the tiger or even the elephant. It's a shark riding on an elephant's back, just trampling and eating everything they see.
• If you saw two guys named Hambone and Flippy, which one would you think liked dolphins the most? I'd say Flippy, wouldn't you? You'd be wrong, though. It's Hambone.
• We used to laugh at Grandpa when he'd head off and go fishing. But we wouldn't be laughing that evening when he'd come back with a whore he picked up in town.
• I wish a robot would get elected president. That way, when he came to town, we could all take a shot at him and not feel too bad.
• As the evening sky faded from a salmon color to a sort of flint gray, Ithought back to the salmon I caught that morning, and how gray he was, and how I named him Flint.
• If you're a young Mafia gangster out on your first date, I bet it's realembarrassing if someone tries to kill you.
• Whenever I see an old lady slip and fall on a wet sidewalk, my firstinstinct is to laugh. But then I think, what if I was an ant, and she fell on me. Then it wouldn't seem quite so funny.
• If you go parachuting, and your parachute doesn't open, and your friends are all watching you fall, I think a funny gag would be to pretend you were swimming.
• I guess of all my uncles, I liked Uncle Cave Man the best. We called him Uncle Cave Man because he lived in a cave and because sometimes he'd eatone of us. Later on we found out he was a bear.
• I think people tend to forget that trees are living creatures. They're sort of like dogs. Huge, quiet, motionless dogs, with bark instead of fur.
• If God dwells inside of us like some people say, then I sure hope he likes enchiladas, because that's what he's getting.

• I wish I had a Kryptonite cross, because then you could keep both Dracula and Superman away.
• It makes me mad when people say I turned and ran like a scared rabbit. Maybe it was like an angry rabbit, who was running to go fight in another fight, away from the first fight
• In weightlifting, I don't think sudden, uncontrolled urination shoulddisqualify you.
• If you ever discover that what you're seeing is a play within a play, just slow down, take a deep breath, and hold on for the ride of your life.
• It's too bad that whole families have to be torn apart by something as simple as wild dogs
• I think in one of my previous lives I was a mighty king because I like people to do what I say.
• I wish scientists would come up with a way to make dogs a lot bigger, but with a smaller head. That way, they'd still be good as watchdogs, but they wouldn't eat so much.
• If you ever go temporarily insane, don't shoot somebody, like a lot ofpeople do. Instead, try to get some weeding done, because you'd really be surprised.
• I think a good movie would be about a brain surgeon who gets hit on the head and damages the part of the brain that makes you want to study the brain.
• I hope life isn't a big joke, because I don't get it.