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RIGEL's Family Photos

This is me. My name is Chris Van Jaren. This is my family photo album. I was hit by a truck and mauled by a bear at age 6.

 

This is me in my current job. I drive trucks for Bell South. They gave me a titanic truck instead, but I'm OK with that. Here you can see my car which was run off the road. My head is sticking out of the window. I did that once before and my head hit a tree as I was driving.

 

This is my lawn mower. I used to be a landscaper but got fired after I ran over seven children. I hear the lawn mower was recalled.

 

This is my dad, Blasthog. He has been in jail since I was conceived for running a drug processing plant that used the combusting of hogs to make a necessary ingredient of the drug he produced. That is how he got the name Blasthog. He is going to get out in 73 years. Whenever we see him in jail he is strapped up in chains and straight jackets.

  

This is my Mom, Kephnia. She hasn’t had a bowel movement in two years. The smell is aweful. She gets a lot of boy friends.

This is my younger step-sister, Sally. She was shot in the head when she was little. She wants to be a doctor and can spell her name.

  

This is Sally's boy friend, Bernie. He loves to drink water from the toilet. He is not allowed near animals.

   

This is my older sister, Ruby. She lives in Delaware and raises possums in her bedroom. She smells like poo whenever she comes over. I hate her.

 

This was my mom's boy friend. He went to Spain and never came back. I think he's a transexual.

 

This fellow lives in the cell next to my dad at the local maximum security prison. He makes dad hard.

 

Here is my only friend, Jared. He lives across the street from my trailor. He runs a balloon stand by the local Wal-Mart and was struck by a lightening bolt in 1996. He talks real slow and has violent twitches.

 

 

This is Rodney, my arch rival. He makes me jealous because he has a stomach ulcer and gets a lot of girls. He hit himself with a baseball bat when he was little.

 

This is the family that lives across the steet from my trailer. They are all gay and their trailer sometimes shakes back and fourth.

 

This is Ruby's boyfriend. Before he found Ruby he wondered rail road tracks. He is missing 62 bones and is trying to get his life back on track by running a gas station. Ruby says she's having a baby with him.

This is Candy, the only prostitute who lives in the trailer park. She used to sell fireworks in Maine before moving down here. She gets a lot of customers seeking her prostitution.

This is some stupid person. I don't know his name. He follows me everywhere I go. He thinks I'm his mother.

This is my twin brother. I forgot his name. He made medical history when he fell out of my mother's ass. He used to be a good motorcycle racer but crashed into a trailer and now it’s hard to understand what he says.

This is Mr. Dud's child. He was caught in a spinning lawn mower blade last year.

This is Mike, who lives in the only tree in the trailer park. He has a rectal infection and bit the mailman.

These are two kids I ran over with my lawn mower. There used to be nine.

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