This is my ranting page to pour my feelings of the day upon this page, and not care what people think they can read what they want. They can comment, but you know what... I dont really give a fuck.! ~ Amber
Day by day my Shepherd walks beside me; Day by day I know His tender care. And I know whatever shall betide me. Christ my Lord goes with me ev'rywhere.
Midst life's storms and through deepest valley, His abiding Presence goes before. I'm assured whatever shall befall me, His rich grace my courage shall restore.
Lots of things have changed in my life. Alot has gone wrong and alot has turned around. At this point I have no clue what I am doing with my life. Where I'm headed. I'm lucky I know what day it is. I dont know even where to start on the torment and trials that I've recently recieved to make me stronger. Its a crazy world out there and sometimes I wish I wasnt around to be in it. But theres gotta be a purpose for all this madness in my life. Theres gotta be a reason. My heart is quite confused. As you see in previous quotes in the past its apparent all I wanted was someone to love me. Since then I've taken on the attiudes of I dont need no one, I'm a playa, I can get just as dirty as any guy out there. In in the reality that isnt really me. That isnt who I really am. Under all of my front. There is that girl, that sweet, caring girl. Its quiet apparent for me to think that I could be a play to be blunt, that all I need is a good fuck. Who need a relationship. Well its apparent someone who I loved hurt me real bad. I've forgotten who I really am. Who I was. I dont know what to think anymore. I dont dare let myself be vulnrable and niave. I dont want to get hurt anymore. used. I cant afford it. I can barely afford to pay for my car insurance every month. If thought about what made me change, what made me stop caring? What relationship did this, Well my first relationship problems root back to the reason I started this Web page. John B. Its sad to say but he was my first love. Whats hurt my perception of a relationship, was the way he eneded it. In a very harsh way to a 16 year old. and well it very true I never got closure its been 4 years since I last talked to him, my last words, well werent really words they were tears. So many years after that has been my down fall to all relationship. Wanting that love he gave me. I havent had someone treat me like he did ever. At this point I'm afraid to let anyone get close to me. I dont want pain brought on by any male anymore. Ash I never really got to have a relationship with due to the fact that he was way in the military. and then theres Josh B. The guy I thought I loved. that I did anything for and got screwed to this day. I swear He did me over. I dont think I could trust a man. After he stole my check book,used my car to go see the girl he was cheating on me with (while I was at work), then wreaked my car, and left me to pick up the pieces for the third time. I havent been with anyone or tried a relationship since December.
It was my birthday one the first. Wasnt the best but hey no big deal. Anyway its been awhile again. Lots has gone on... Um I've been working alot... like 45 hours a week. Finally got a pay raise...Its nice. No biggy. Things just havent been going well...
Ok so I've been working my but off to get a car... and get my own place. Ive got a few bucks saved. But its not easy I just moved into a appartment with Elise and her mom and sister. which isnt the happiest place... I donno.. its cool I'm moving soon anyway at least I hope I do... anyway.. I want to have fun with someone, and it would be nice to have someone treat me right for once... But yeah we will see. I live my life for me and no one else..
But I have to head to bed... So good night all and I will post again soon...
I want that someone to come home to. To lay down next to, to tell how my day has gone.
Why is it that no one stands the chance to last at the most 3 months. Why do they lose interest is there something wrong with me. How long will I have to wait. To have someone fall in love with me, for once.
I have no clue anymore. I miss having my own life. Being able to go out and try new things endure new adventures, seek new treasures in life. And why has this stopped number one because of Josh. All I do is work and pay the bills he left me. Well I will be done paying his bills within two more weeks thank god! Then I’m saving for a new car. My hope and glory a new car. My run for freedom of new things. I cant wait. And then it will be a new place of my own. Somewhere that I can call home and finally unpack. To have things of my own would be a blessing. To come and go as I please, to have who I want when I want over. And after that home/apartment. Will come my new puppy. I’ve been dying longer than forever for my dog. I want my own lovable, loyal puppy. At least I know my dog will never leave me or turn its back on me. I guess my mental is if I get a puppy it will fill that void in my life. Not all of it but some of it. At least there will be someone waiting for me when I come home, and sleeping next to me at night.
Do I ask for much, no just someone who isn’t going to lie to me and that’s going to actually want a relationship and that will try to make things work. Its funny I’m the only girl at the store I work at that’s single. Its crazy. I don’t know.. The word single bugs me. it’s a sad word. Yes I am independent and free to be and do as I feel. But the process of finding someone and seeing if its going to work is almost not worth trying. It can take so much out of a person. Getting into a relationship. And with me especially I want to be everything to the person I am with. I want to make them happy.
I just want to be around someone who want to go places and do things with me. That will be the prince I want him to be. That will drive me wild with the little things and be romantic now and then. That will do things with me that I haven’t done before and see places I didn’t think I could go. I want to be with someone who can make me laugh and take care of me when I‘m sick. That will find out my passions and want to know all about everything I am and will be, my hopes my dreams, my life. Someone that will make me sing even though I‘m scared to sing in front of new people. I want to give him back rubs and take care of him when he needs me to. I just want to be there for someone. But most of all I want at the end of the night cuddle with me and watch a movie, and I can fall asleep listening to his heart beat. I want to be able to make dinner for him when he comes home and buy him things that he hints about. I want to be someone’s sweetheart. I don’t want anymore broken hearts and tears. I want to have a good time. And enjoy my life. I just want to be something to someone.
“Another day in single life” ~ Bella Italiano
In this world I've come to find, you really dont know anyone. You can look into someones eyes, and not even see any debth. Its hard to understand why I put up a wall. Why things dont work anymore. Josh when he left he put this sinister view on my life. I lost my sparkle, and my light. Or maybe no ones see it anymore. People in this day and age, are so focused on themsevles and their surroundings, they seem to forget that this world would not surive if there was only them.
I dont know..I just feel like I've grown cold, mainly to men. I feel like no one tries to pry or find out anything, you just have to give up the info. Someone can hardly know you, but want you, and that makes me feel like nothing. I have a soul. I am not here at your disposition. To use when you feel like. I've been broken and torn apart but NOTHING will take my light away. I will always have that to hold to. Its just not as bright as ususal. I feel as if I've been vapid lately. I do hate that word. It brings me back to a memory of an old friend of mine she had no debth to her. Anyway. Back to my rant.
To spend my life wondering alone. Is not a journy I pretell that I want to forsee on my own. Recently since Josh left I feel as if he's left me tainted, and that no guy is ever going to want me. That I'm not wantable. Why??? Why do I let men make me feel this way. I just want approval and something thats not going to run away. I'm done running. When will men beable to stand up and actually be what I want. I feel like the battle between men and women will never end. How long does it take for a man to realize what I have inside that if you give me up that you are passing up the world. No one takes the time to find out all that I have to offer. No one knows my passions, my dreams and wishes. No one know. Why is that because they dont ask. I usually know everything about my male friends, but when it comes down to it do they really know me.... I'm tired of running around trying to impress men. and get approval. I need nothing more then my approval, and if they only knew what is inside of me.
One day I'll show all of them. And I'll be famous and they'll know because the songs will be about them.
"My Passion will never die"~Gorgeous Italian Beauty
I'm getting over it.. Today I was Stood up. I feel awful the first date I've gone on over 7 or 8 months and yeah he bailed. I was really hurt. I wanted to have a good time. I just want someone who I can get along with and not only that but love too.. and that will treat me right, So many thing have gone bad in my life.
About the only thing good that I've got right now is my job I got a new job working at the a little gas station, its so laid back I love it. I am so much happier with the work style but not with the customer service its nothing like the buzz I got at Blockbuster. Oh well. My brother moved to Vegas, and I'm still living a friend.... I wont say much about that, I just thank the lord I've survied everything hes put me through. I just wish something would work out for me for once..... i'll write again later...
Ok Well its been awhile since I updated my web page...
I Moved out of my mothers house once again. Which in my eyes is ok. Quiet lonely but ok. I'm living with my "best friend" Elise! Shes great! Anywho. I was working at Blockbuster I had been there for almost a year. But recently resigned. Due to some disagreements with the management! So its cool.
Anywho. Yeah I gradauted awhile ago. And have just mainly been working. Moved out of the apartments where I was living last summer, was back at my rents house. Got kicked out after my 19th birthday, moved back in when I recked my new thunderbird on Christmas Eve. Was at my parents until about Spring break when my dad went to Vegas and havent been home since.
I was supose to be heading to college this August. But my plans got a little tweeked, when about a month ago. I got a phone call while we were seriously busy at BBV. Yeah it was for me which is unusual. Since Elise was spending the night at my mom's she was waiting for me when I got off. But it wasnt her. Nor was it anyone in my family. To my shock and surpirse it was My Ex Josh who've I been writing periodically for the last year. Since hes been away. He Told me that he was now in Alaska, and had gotten everone of my letters, I was shocked and surprised, and over whelmed. I told him I call him when I got home. It was the weridest feeling to have him back in my life. Cuz I didnt think my letters ever got to him. I was just baffled. My letters to Josh were me proposing my love to him and that I cared about him and that if he ever landed himself back in AK close to me that he could call me and he did.... theres lots more to this story, but I dont have time to tell it all.
I'll write again soon since I have a whole bunch more time on my hands....
"The One and Only~ Gorgeous Italian Beauty"
Today has been the best and worst day.... So much has happened, This morning my mom informed me I am being sued for over 150,000 dollars... *yeah my mouth didnt close for an hour* I was in total disbelief. I am being Sued to the car accident I was in over 9 months ago... Over medical insurance... Ok well its sorta confidental, so thats enough about it.. but yeah what a way to start a day.... Anywho... Um I moved back in with the rents again... Due to I'm tired of fighting through life.. I need to lean on someone for awhile... and to top it off I got into another car accident.. the road were bad **I am a good driver** but she power breaked and I rear ended her in my reconstructed car.. yeah it crumbled like a pop can... Anywho.. I have found my soul sister, She has changed my life.. my outlook, I love to be around her.. I couldnt imagine enjoying doing nothing with anyone other than here.. Today she came by and I was really upset she put me in a good mood, and helped me get accomplished with the things I needed to do.... she is really my soul sister... I've spent so much time with her.. and love her so much.. I am so thankful she came into my life... :)
Well I'm done for now donno what else to write... So I'll be back again soon kids...dont cry.. I'll be back reallllll soon.....
April 26th 2004 7:00pm
Well and to add more problems. I had to move home. My roomates sister got me kicked out of the appartment I was living at. I'm at home. I was going to go to college, but dought that I'll be able to due to the fact that I pay more than 500.00 in car insurance, and have a car payment to make. There is now way that I can pay for these things and still go to college. Oh and to top it off the day after I got a speeding ticket, that I cant pay for. Money issues, work issues, home issues, I just want to disapear, I want things to get better but I really dont know how. All the money I make from work goes to bills. theres no way I can get out of my parents house anytime soon. I hope I'm out before my 21st birthdy in December, but I dont see it happening. I can feel the strains at home that they are getting fed up with me, if I get kicked out I really have no where to go, and I cant afford to pay rent with the bills I have as of now. My life is hecktic and loney, what am I going to do....
As for now I'm gonna go try to hang out with some people on my day off. Hopefully this will go well. I donno.
I'll post again soon.
Love Always
Amber
December 3rd 2003 2:03am
Lets see I had to work on thanks giving by myself opened and closed the store. We were hella busy. um
hey gtg I'll write again lata byie ciao
September, 29th 2003 3:30am
Well as my mother has said to me I needed to read over my webpage. Which I usually dont do. I've come to realize how.. um whats the word... not whole always searching for something. When the thing I've been searching for can only be found it me... Well within this month I've come upon many Revelations... Number one in the beginning of this month I ran into the Asshole.. josh after he ran off 3 months ago, and never heard from him.. I ran into him at Walmart. and the funny thing was he wasnt with his family he was with some new hoe bag... The next day I find out someone who knew him in the past.. he's done what he did to me in the past before. Hes been married and then ditched the girl in a whole lotta debt. So I am thrilled not to have him in my life...
~*everything is starting to work out right*~ Bella Italiano
August, 4th 2003 9:30pm
As time moves on and people come and go.. Where is my life headed. I thought I knew at one point in time. All I’ve wanted for a long time was someone *male* to be there for me, to be my confident, my friend, my lover. I wanted someone to be my pick me up when I am down, and to push my father than I thought I could go. But never let me fall.
August 1st, 2003 1:06pm
July 20th, 2003 8:58pm
Well Amazingly after all I've been through I am still alive. I was engaged, and now I'm not. My ex left me a little bit over a month ago..He told me that he was off to Delta to make up for the debts he left me in, he said he'd be back for me but that was over a month ago.. :( yeah anyway. I figured with all the lies he told me he probably lied to me about loving me. its all good.
"The One and Only"~ Gorgeous Italian Beauty
May 6th, 2003 4:58pm
So Much has happened in my life lately. Its so hard to think where to start. Lets see.....
But lets just say I may be getting married soon. My heart is a flutter, and I am deeply in love.
Anywho...
Lata Ciao
January 8th, 2003 12:44am
Anywho as for men in mylife... there are none.. None callin. none beating down the door, As for me and Mark thats been done forever, Karl we dont even talk anymore after I found out he was trying to get my bestfriend the whole time he was dating me, umm Um Danny hes in anchorage... I miss him... but yeah I dont have a car anymore which makes things a little bit rougher.. I donno what to do.. I dont mind.. It would be nice to have someone in my life... but I'll wait for him to fall into my lap....
Later
***Gosh Damn Hot and Tempting***** (luvfuls)
