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Most Dangerous Food- A dietitian was once addressing a large audience in Chicago. "The material we put into our stomachs is enough to have killed most of us sitting here, years ago. "Red meat is awful. Soft drinks erode your stomach lining. Chinese food is loaded with MSG. Vegetables can be disastrous, and none of us realizes the long term harm caused by the germs in our drinking water. But there is one thing that is the most dangerous of all and we all have, or will, eat it." "Can anyone here tell me what food it is that causes the most grief and suffering for years after eating it?" A 75-year-old man in the front row stood up and said, "Wedding cake."

First Class Blonde- A plane is on its way to Montreal when a blonde in Economy Class gets up and moves to the First Class section and sits down. The flight attendant watches her do this and asks to see her ticket. She then tells the blonde that she paid for Economy and that she will have to sit in the back. The blonde replies "I'm blonde, I'm beautiful, I'm going to Montreal and I'm staying right here!". The flight attendant goes into the cockpit and tells the pilot and copilot that there is some blonde bimbo sitting in First Class that belongs in Economy and won't move back to her seat. The copilot goes back to the explain that because she only paid for Economy she will have to leave and return to her seat. The blonde replies, "I'm blonde, I'm beautiful, I'm going to Montreal and I'm staying right here!" The copilot tells the pilot that he probably should have the police waiting when they land to arrest this blonde woman that won't listen to reason. The pilot says "I'll handle this. I'm married to a blonde. I have learned to speak 'blonde'". He goes back to the blonde, whispers in her ear, and without hesitation, she gets up and moves back to her seat in the Economy section. The flight attendant and copilot are amazed and asked him what he said to make her move without any fuss. "I told her First Class isn't going to Montreal."

Got any Grapes?- This duck walks into a bar and asks the bartender, "Do you have any grapes?" The bartender says no, and the duck leaves. The next day, the duck returns and asks, "Do you have any grapes?" The bartender again says no, and the duck leaves. The day after that, the duck walks in the bar again and asks the bartender "Do you have any grapes?" The bartender, losing his patience, screams at the duck, "I told you duck, I don't have any grapes and if you ask me again I will nail your feet to the floor!!" The duck looked startled and leaves. Two days later the duck returns walks up to the bar and asks the bartender, "Do you have any nails?" The bartender replied, "No," and the duck said, "Good! Got any grapes?"



Funny AOL convos

  • MSFrhino: hi there
  • xOcean AvenuexX: hi
  • MSFrhino: did u get a weird phonecall today from a dog?
  • xOcean AvenuexX: lol no...
  • xOcean AvenuexX: why.......
  • MSFrhino: b/c theres a mad dog on the lose and is trying to rape people
  • xOcean AvenuexX: yeah ok
  • xOcean AvenuexX: lol
  • MSFrhino: i swear dont believe
  • MSFrhino: not till its to late
  • xOcean AvenuexX: matt shut up lol
  • MSFrhino: omg fine fuck me then
  • xOcean AvenuexX: ummmmm
  • xOcean AvenuexX: ok

    .

  • MSFrhino: hi there miss u are under arrest
  • OTEPGURL960: why?
  • OTEPGURL960: wat i do??:-\
  • MSFrhino: dont lie you dont have to hind it
  • OTEPGURL960: hide wat?!?!?! im just a inncocent lil gurl
  • MSFrhino: no u arent
  • OTEPGURL960: well may i no what im being charged of?
  • MSFrhino: come on u know what u did
  • OTEPGURL960: ummm no i dont..... MSFrhino: u sold kiddie porn over the internet
  • OTEPGURL960: nuh uh
  • OTEPGURL960: i delivered it....directly to the houses
  • MSFrhino: yes u did we caught u red handed
  • MSFrhino: see ur under arrest
  • OTEPGURL960: ok
  • OTEPGURL960: meany
  • MSFrhino: u will have to come down town with me
  • OTEPGURL960: but i dont feel like it
  • OTEPGURL960: :-P
  • MSFrhino: and u will have to get fucked my 5 big fat hairy guys
  • OTEPGURL960: ewwwwwwwwwwwwwwwww
  • OTEPGURL960: ::runs::

    .

  • MSFrhino: hey there u are in big trouple
  • XXPunkRocker79Xx: =/
  • XXPunkRocker79Xx: ok?
  • MSFrhino: no really u r
  • XXPunkRocker79Xx: fo wa?
  • MSFrhino: dont just brush it off ur in BIG trouple
  • XXPunkRocker79Xx: ok whatz the deal?
  • MSFrhino: u got caught dealing weed
  • XXPunkRocker79Xx: lmao yea ok
  • MSFrhino: really at the dance
  • XXPunkRocker79Xx: ME?
  • XXPunkRocker79Xx: LMAO
  • MSFrhino: they saw u and they gona call ur house soon
  • MSFrhino: really!
  • XXPunkRocker79Xx: notice how that waz mike...
  • XXPunkRocker79Xx: n it was not week
  • XXPunkRocker79Xx: weed*
  • MSFrhino: yea it was u
  • XXPunkRocker79Xx: no it waz not
  • XXPunkRocker79Xx: wtf
  • MSFrhino: dont lie they have ur name written down
  • XXPunkRocker79Xx: i dont have anyweed
  • XXPunkRocker79Xx: omg
  • XXPunkRocker79Xx: i did not
  • MSFrhino: okay well tell that to the cops
  • XXPunkRocker79Xx: u have 2 be kidding me
  • XXPunkRocker79Xx: u HAVE 2 be kididng me
  • XXPunkRocker79Xx: how u find that out?
  • MSFrhino: the cops talked to me when i left and searched me and asked me where is it
  • MSFrhino: and i was like i put it in meygans bag
  • XXPunkRocker79Xx: i did nah even have a bag
  • MSFrhino: and they gona be looking for u
  • XXPunkRocker79Xx: omg
  • XXPunkRocker79Xx: i aint even have a bag
  • MSFrhino: don lie
  • XXPunkRocker79Xx: OMG
  • XXPunkRocker79Xx: wtf


    50 bucks- A man is sitting in a bar when a beautiful woman walks up and whispers in his ear, "I'll do anything you want for 50 bucks." He puts his drink down and starts going through his pockets. He pulls out a ten, two five's, a twenty and ten ones. He thrusts the wadded up money into the woman's hand and says, "Here...paint my house."

    Cow Lips- An old cowhand came riding into town on a hot, dry, dusty day. The local sheriff watched from his chair in front of the saloon as the cowboy wearily dismounted and tied his horse to the rail. The cowboy then moved slowly to the back of his horse, lifted its tail, and placed a big kiss where the sun don't shine. He dropped the horse's tail, stepped up on the walk and aimed toward the swinging doors of the saloon. "Hold on there, Mister," said the sheriff. "Did I just see what I think I saw?" "Reckon you did, Sheriff. I got me some powerful chapped lips." "And that cures them?" the Sheriff asked. "Nope, but it keeps me from lickin' 'em."

    The Nervous Pilot- A photographer for a national magazine was assigned to take pictures of a great forest fire. He was advised that a small plane would be waiting to fly him over the fire. The photographer arrived at the airstrip an hour before sundown. Sure enough, a small Cessna airplane was waiting. He jumped in with his equipment and shouted, "Let's go!" The tense man sitting in the pilot's seat swung the plane into the wind and soon they were in the air, though flying erratically. "Fly over the north side of the fire," said the photographer, and make several low-level passes." "Why?" asked the nervous pilot. "Because I'm going to take pictures!" yelled the photographer. "I'm a photographer, and photographers take pictures." After a long pause the "pilot" replied: "You mean, you're not my instructor?"



  • (me "she doesnt know who i am") GetOnUrKnees666: wtf
  • GetOnUrKnees666: i hear u have been talking about me
  • ( my girl )TooSexxxy6901: what?
  • GetOnUrKnees666: dont give me what?
  • TooSexxxy6901: who is this
  • GetOnUrKnees666: u know who i am dont give me that BS
  • TooSexxxy6901: fuck you
  • GetOnUrKnees666: okay thats it get on ur knees now bitch and do ur job
  • TooSexxxy6901: sorry i like someone
  • GetOnUrKnees666: >:o omg i wanna bang u tho :-(
  • TooSexxxy6901: who is this
  • GetOnUrKnees666: i really do i want to really i just cant tell u
  • TooSexxxy6901: well who is this?
  • GetOnUrKnees666: thats what i cant tell u
  • GetOnUrKnees666: i wanna fuck u so hard u dont understand
  • TooSexxxy6901: jesus fuckin christ
  • GetOnUrKnees666: do u get wet thinking about me?
  • TooSexxxy6901: u know, i do understand because ive heard that from 3 ppl
  • TooSexxxy6901: hell no!
  • GetOnUrKnees666: well my name Laura
  • GetOnUrKnees666: and i want u really bad
  • GetOnUrKnees666: i have seen pics of u and u make me so fuckin wet
  • TooSexxxy6901: fuck you
  • TooSexxxy6901: im straight
  • GetOnUrKnees666: well i luv u
  • TooSexxxy6901: ive heard that a lot too
  • TooSexxxy6901: let me guess..i dont understand?!
  • TooSexxxy6901: haha
  • GetOnUrKnees666: well u wouldnt want me?
  • TooSexxxy6901: nope
  • GetOnUrKnees666: b/c i am a chick :-(
  • TooSexxxy6901: yep
  • TooSexxxy6901: and i like someone already
  • GetOnUrKnees666: who ?!?
  • TooSexxxy6901: and im really fuckin straight
  • TooSexxxy6901: matt
  • GetOnUrKnees666: who the hells matt?
  • GetOnUrKnees666: u want laura!
  • TooSexxxy6901: i dont want you you fuckin hoe, and matt is the person i like
  • GetOnUrKnees666: ur telling me u wont fuck me u would fuck matt?
  • TooSexxxy6901: yep
  • TooSexxxy6901: exactly
  • GetOnUrKnees666: omg ! i want u! dont have matt have me!
  • TooSexxxy6901: nope..which part didnt get thru your sick lesbian mind?! i dont like girls, and i wont fuck you!! i would rather fuck matt
  • TooSexxxy6901: ok?
  • TooSexxxy6901: ok.
  • GetOnUrKnees666: ok bye


    Aoccdrnig to a rscheearch at Cmabrigde Uinervtisy, it deosn't mttaer waht oredr the ltteers in a wrod are, the olny iprmoetnt tihng is taht the frist and lsat ltteer be at the rghit pclae. The rset can be a total mses and you can sitll raed it wouthit a porbelm. Tihs is bcuseae the huamn mnid deos not raed ervey lteter by istlef, but the wrod as a wlohe. Fcuknig azamian huh????


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