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Most Dangerous Food-
A dietitian was once addressing a large audience in Chicago. "The material we put into our stomachs is enough to have killed most of us sitting here, years ago.
"Red meat is awful. Soft drinks erode your stomach lining. Chinese food is loaded with MSG. Vegetables can be disastrous, and none of us realizes
the long term harm caused by the germs in our drinking water. But there is one thing that is the most dangerous of all and we all have, or will, eat it."
"Can anyone here tell me what food it is that causes the most grief and suffering for years after eating it?"
A 75-year-old man in the front row stood up and said, "Wedding cake."
First Class Blonde-
A plane is on its way to Montreal when a blonde
in Economy Class gets up and moves to the First
Class section and sits down.
The flight attendant watches her do this and
asks to see her ticket. She then tells the
blonde that she paid for Economy and that
she will have to sit in the back.
The blonde replies "I'm blonde, I'm beautiful,
I'm going to Montreal and I'm staying right here!".
The flight attendant goes into the cockpit
and tells the pilot and copilot that there
is some blonde bimbo sitting in First Class
that belongs in Economy and won't move back
to her seat.
The copilot goes back to the explain that
because she only paid for Economy she will
have to leave and return to her seat.
The blonde replies, "I'm blonde, I'm beautiful,
I'm going to Montreal and I'm staying right here!"
The copilot tells the pilot that he probably
should have the police waiting when they land
to arrest this blonde woman that won't listen
to reason.
The pilot says "I'll handle this. I'm married
to a blonde. I have learned to speak 'blonde'".
He goes back to the blonde, whispers in her ear,
and without hesitation, she gets up and moves
back to her seat in the Economy section.
The flight attendant and copilot are amazed
and asked him what he said to make her move
without any fuss.
"I told her First Class isn't going to Montreal."
Got any Grapes?-
This duck walks into a bar and asks the bartender, "Do you have any grapes?"
The bartender says no, and the duck leaves. The next day, the duck returns and asks, "Do you have any grapes?" The bartender again says no, and the duck leaves.
The day after that, the duck walks in the bar again and asks the bartender "Do you have any grapes?"
The bartender, losing his patience, screams at the duck, "I told you duck, I don't have any grapes and if you ask me again I will nail your feet to the floor!!"
The duck looked startled and leaves.
Two days later the duck returns walks up to the bar and asks the bartender, "Do you have any nails?"
The bartender replied, "No," and the duck said, "Good! Got any grapes?"
Funny AOL convos
MSFrhino: hi there
xOcean AvenuexX: hi
MSFrhino: did u get a weird phonecall today from a dog?
xOcean AvenuexX: lol no...
xOcean AvenuexX: why.......
MSFrhino: b/c theres a mad dog on the lose and is trying to rape people
xOcean AvenuexX: yeah ok
xOcean AvenuexX: lol
MSFrhino: i swear dont believe
MSFrhino: not till its to late
xOcean AvenuexX: matt shut up lol
MSFrhino: omg fine fuck me then
xOcean AvenuexX: ummmmm
xOcean AvenuexX: ok
.
MSFrhino: hi there miss u are under arrest
OTEPGURL960: why?
OTEPGURL960: wat i do??:-\
MSFrhino: dont lie you dont have to hind it
OTEPGURL960: hide wat?!?!?! im just a inncocent lil gurl
MSFrhino: no u arent
OTEPGURL960: well may i no what im being charged of?
MSFrhino: come on u know what u did
OTEPGURL960: ummm no i dont.....
MSFrhino: u sold kiddie porn over the internet
OTEPGURL960: nuh uh
OTEPGURL960: i delivered it....directly to the houses
MSFrhino: yes u did we caught u red handed
MSFrhino: see ur under arrest
OTEPGURL960: ok
OTEPGURL960: meany
MSFrhino: u will have to come down town with me
OTEPGURL960: but i dont feel like it
OTEPGURL960: :-P
MSFrhino: and u will have to get fucked my 5 big fat hairy guys
OTEPGURL960: ewwwwwwwwwwwwwwwww
OTEPGURL960: ::runs::
.
MSFrhino: hey there u are in big trouple
XXPunkRocker79Xx: =/
XXPunkRocker79Xx: ok?
MSFrhino: no really u r
XXPunkRocker79Xx: fo wa?
MSFrhino: dont just brush it off ur in BIG trouple
XXPunkRocker79Xx: ok whatz the deal?
MSFrhino: u got caught dealing weed
XXPunkRocker79Xx: lmao yea ok
MSFrhino: really at the dance
XXPunkRocker79Xx: ME?
XXPunkRocker79Xx: LMAO
MSFrhino: they saw u and they gona call ur house soon
MSFrhino: really!
XXPunkRocker79Xx: notice how that waz mike...
XXPunkRocker79Xx: n it was not week
XXPunkRocker79Xx: weed*
MSFrhino: yea it was u
XXPunkRocker79Xx: no it waz not
XXPunkRocker79Xx: wtf
MSFrhino: dont lie they have ur name written down
XXPunkRocker79Xx: i dont have anyweed
XXPunkRocker79Xx: omg
XXPunkRocker79Xx: i did not
MSFrhino: okay well tell that to the cops
XXPunkRocker79Xx: u have 2 be kidding me
XXPunkRocker79Xx: u HAVE 2 be kididng me
XXPunkRocker79Xx: how u find that out?
MSFrhino: the cops talked to me when i left and searched me and asked me where is it
MSFrhino: and i was like i put it in meygans bag
XXPunkRocker79Xx: i did nah even have a bag
MSFrhino: and they gona be looking for u
XXPunkRocker79Xx: omg
XXPunkRocker79Xx: i aint even have a bag
MSFrhino: don lie
XXPunkRocker79Xx: OMG
XXPunkRocker79Xx: wtf
50 bucks-
A man is sitting in a bar when a beautiful woman walks up and whispers in his ear, "I'll do anything you want for 50 bucks."
He puts his drink down and starts going through his pockets. He pulls out a ten, two five's, a twenty and ten ones.
He thrusts the wadded up money into the woman's hand and says, "Here...paint my house."
Cow Lips-
An old cowhand came riding into town
on a hot, dry, dusty day.
The local sheriff watched from his chair in
front of the saloon as the cowboy wearily
dismounted and tied his horse to the rail.
The cowboy then moved slowly to the back of
his horse, lifted its tail, and placed a big kiss
where the sun don't shine.
He dropped the horse's tail, stepped up on
the walk and aimed toward the swinging doors
of the saloon.
"Hold on there, Mister," said the sheriff.
"Did I just see what I think I saw?"
"Reckon you did, Sheriff. I got me
some powerful chapped lips."
"And that cures them?" the Sheriff asked.
"Nope, but it keeps me from lickin' 'em."
The Nervous Pilot-
A photographer for a national magazine was assigned to take pictures of a great forest fire. He was advised that a small plane would be waiting to fly him over the fire.
The photographer arrived at the airstrip an hour before sundown. Sure enough, a small Cessna airplane was waiting. He jumped in with his equipment and shouted, "Let's go!" The tense man sitting in the pilot's seat swung the plane into the wind and soon they were in the air, though flying erratically.
"Fly over the north side of the fire," said the photographer, and make several low-level passes."
"Why?" asked the nervous pilot.
"Because I'm going to take pictures!" yelled the photographer. "I'm a photographer, and photographers take pictures."
After a long pause the "pilot" replied: "You mean, you're not my instructor?"
(me "she doesnt know who i am") GetOnUrKnees666: wtf
GetOnUrKnees666: i hear u have been talking about me
( my girl )TooSexxxy6901: what?
GetOnUrKnees666: dont give me what?
TooSexxxy6901: who is this
GetOnUrKnees666: u know who i am dont give me that BS
TooSexxxy6901: fuck you
GetOnUrKnees666: okay thats it get on ur knees now bitch and do ur job
TooSexxxy6901: sorry i like someone
GetOnUrKnees666: >:o omg i wanna bang u tho :-(
TooSexxxy6901: who is this
GetOnUrKnees666: i really do i want to really i just cant tell u
TooSexxxy6901: well who is this?
GetOnUrKnees666: thats what i cant tell u
GetOnUrKnees666: i wanna fuck u so hard u dont understand
TooSexxxy6901: jesus fuckin christ
GetOnUrKnees666: do u get wet thinking about me?
TooSexxxy6901: u know, i do understand because ive heard that from 3 ppl
TooSexxxy6901: hell no!
GetOnUrKnees666: well my name Laura
GetOnUrKnees666: and i want u really bad
GetOnUrKnees666: i have seen pics of u and u make me so fuckin wet
TooSexxxy6901: fuck you
TooSexxxy6901: im straight
GetOnUrKnees666: well i luv u
TooSexxxy6901: ive heard that a lot too
TooSexxxy6901: let me guess..i dont understand?!
TooSexxxy6901: haha
GetOnUrKnees666: well u wouldnt want me?
TooSexxxy6901: nope
GetOnUrKnees666: b/c i am a chick :-(
TooSexxxy6901: yep
TooSexxxy6901: and i like someone already
GetOnUrKnees666: who ?!?
TooSexxxy6901: and im really fuckin straight
TooSexxxy6901: matt
GetOnUrKnees666: who the hells matt?
GetOnUrKnees666: u want laura!
TooSexxxy6901: i dont want you you fuckin hoe, and matt is the person i like
GetOnUrKnees666: ur telling me u wont fuck me u would fuck matt?
TooSexxxy6901: yep
TooSexxxy6901: exactly
GetOnUrKnees666: omg ! i want u! dont have matt have me!
TooSexxxy6901: nope..which part didnt get thru your sick lesbian mind?! i dont like girls, and i wont fuck you!! i would rather fuck matt
TooSexxxy6901: ok?
TooSexxxy6901: ok.
GetOnUrKnees666: ok bye
Aoccdrnig to a rscheearch at Cmabrigde Uinervtisy, it
deosn't mttaer waht oredr the ltteers in a wrod
are, the olny iprmoetnt tihng is taht the frist and
lsat ltteer be at the rghit pclae.
The rset can be a total mses and you can sitll raed it
wouthit a porbelm.
Tihs is bcuseae the huamn mnid deos not raed ervey
lteter by istlef, but the wrod as a wlohe.
Fcuknig azamian huh????
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