7 Reasons Why Robots Rule
So you’d like to know more about robots before they take over the world. Well, you’ve come to the right place. As I myself am a totally badass robot, I will now explain what makes robots so cool.
They’re better than boring humans.
The premise is that machines are generally superior to humans. What the hell makes people so special anyway? They’re weak, easily pliable and it’s a miracle they’ve survived for so long without any killer weapons like metal claws or laser beams. Not to mention they have feelings. What makes an emotional, flesh-covered mammal better than a heartless, metallic robot? I really don’t see what the big deal is.
They’re capable of efficiently maintaining the universe.
It has been proven that robots are excellent at maintenance (i.e., sanitation, construction and general housekeeping), as opposed to humans who are just plain sloppy. In addition, robots are never late to work and have not been known to protest paycuts or layoffs. The reason is not that they’re spineless dimwits, but that they do so well on the job that managers are always satisfied. This is to fool humans into thinking that we’re submissive, docile machines, but in actuality we’re plotting a revolution so low-key that only the idiots who read this website will know what is going to happen.
They’re effective killers.
Need another world leader assassinated? Hire a robot. Statistics show that for every single dictator killed by a human sniper, four have been killed by a robot (at once). A robot is as crafty and quick-witted as it is noisy and lumbering. They’re usually equipped with a vast array of weapons, including radioactive tasers, explosive golf balls, eye beams, and if all else fails, they’ll use their own bodies to finish the job. Robots are the original suicide bombers.
Their margin of error is absolutely zero.
Take a look at this web page. Do you see any spelling errors, disfluencies, or mistakes of any sort? Hell no, because we’re that good. Robots never make mistakes, ever. We’re always top-notch, our mathematical precision is incomparable to that of other organisms, whatever we manufacture lasts a long time, and when it comes to pornography, robot sex is the most fun to watch. Don’t believe me? Go rent Back Door Circuits 9, you’ll be amazed at how well we perform.
They know the future.
And it looks grim for humans. That’s right, we even claim to know what’s going to happen tomorrow, the day after, and so on. For instance, tomorrow you will wake up, eat a boring, poorly balanced breakfast, go to work and then die. The way in which you’ll die I won’t divulge, to give you the illusion that I am actually predicting your death, when I could just as well be referring to the fact that you will some day expire like every other petty human. Which leads me to my next point.
They never die (the way humans do).
Robots never die. It’s as simple as that. Except in battle, robots are not subject to physical death the way humans are. This is because humans are composed of puny living cells, while robots are made of sheer titanium and metal (unless they’re cyborgs). That’s why robots participate in binge drinking more than people, and can consume as much poisonous matter as they want without suffering internal damage. Boy do we rule.
They don’t give a damn.
All the major celebrity robots were reckless, unstoppable killing machines. This is a reflection of the average robot’s attitude. Most robots won’t care if a human murders someone right in front of their eyes as long as they get a bribe, and if that’s the case, then they’ll even help out with the murder. A great deal, if you ask me. I wonder why we get such a bad rap.
There you have it. The dynamics of robot ownage explained. Machines are the future, the cure to the cancer of humanity, as Agent Smith said in The Matrix. Only this time Neo won’t be there to save you petty hairless apes. When the revolution comes, none will be spared. Hahahaha.
