The founders of the ROOF would like to provide fellow club members and followers with a weekly article describing tips and techniques to be used in hopes of improving one's overall fitness. Granted, heavy drinking may not be the key to washboard abs or a tip-top liver, but exercise and predominantly balanced nutrition are always beneficial to even the biggest drunkard's lifestyle. If you have any fitness tips you would like posted, please email them to od91111@yahoo.com. We at ROOF hope you are determined to join us in proving that not all Americans are grotesquely obese, unfit sacks of shit. Enjoy.

This Week's Episode: Ote's Tit-Blaster Chest Workout

Hey all, it's Ote here to drop the bomb on you girly-man wimps out there. Guys, ever wonder why the girls cringe and/or vomit when they see you? Unless you have a serious facial deformity, it's most likely your disgustingly scrawny frame. Well, this could easily be remedied with a pair of well-sculpted, massive, steel-plated pectoral muscles (like mine).

Now, I know you're thinking, "But Ote, shouldn't I begin my ascent from total-girlyman-ness by trying to build up my biceps? After all, they are the most noticeable muscles." No, girlyman. To attain the aura of raw strength and muscularity, one needs to build up their chest. Listen, my biceps are not that great. But to have a rack like mine, boy does that get you noticed. Trust me, the only way you'll get a girl in the near future is to follow this Tit-Blaster Workout.....unless of course you magically grow a 12-inch penis and start walking around naked. Let's get started.

Exercise one: Bench Press

The grand-daddy of all chest exercises. It's no secret, this'll slap some raw muscle on them bones. Always do this one first.

Star by lying on a bench, with the barbell even with your eyes. Lift the weight off the rack, slowly lower it to just above your girlyman nipples, pause for a second, then blast the weight up with the ferocity of a lion and the grace of a 5'2 Russian ballet dancer in a cute pink thong.

Do one warm-up set of 15 reps. Then handle weight where you can do 10,8,6, and 4 for a total of 4 working sets.

Exercise 2: Dips

Now, this one is good for the lower pecs and definition. Go to a dip bar, and lock out your triceps (to the starting position). Lower yourself slowly, as far down as you can go (also, make sure to lean forward a bit to emphasize the chest instead of the triceps), then come back up to the starting position. Do 4 sets of 10, or as many as you can handle.

Exercise 3: Flat-Bench Flyes

This one is great for outer pecs and overall chest power. Grab 2 dumbells, and lie on a flat bench. Press them up over you. With elbows slightly bent, lower them outwards and down so that you feel a burning stretch in your chest, as if you were being tarred and feathered by a cross-eyed Mexican midget dressed in green leather (where do I come up with this shit). Hold for a second, then go back up the same way you cam down (like a bear hug).

Keep in mind that this is just a beginner's Tit-Blaster Workout, you shouldn'y try to kill yourself with 20 sets when you're just starting out. Once you build a solid foundation, then you can move onto the Intermediate Tit-Blaster Workout, which I'll post up soon. Good luck with the women, skipper.

Last Week: Mike's Summer Abs

COMING NEXT WEEK: Ote's tit-blaster chest workout