DISCUSSIONS WITH JACK

How do you feel about academic dishonesty? Is this a problem that was brought about by increased academic pressure in schools, or are there other factors that contribute to this ever-expanding nationwide problem? How should it be handled?

Jack: Alright you stupid fuckin' dirtbags, whatya say?

Star Jones: I believe the recent increase in the cases of academic dishonesty has been spurred by society's inability to love and appreciate our young leaders of tomorrow. Parents, for instance, put a large amount of pressure on their children to perform well, so the kids feel a need to make their parents happy by any means necessary. I think we should all love one another and appreciate one another, and the problem of academic dishonesty will go away. Thus, the problem of how to handle academic dishonesty will fade and we would all live in a happy educational society.

Jack: Fuck you.

Smasher: I agree with Jack.

#2: You're the man Jack.

Goat: What the fuck is academic dishonesty?

Spiffster: It's cheating, you dumbass.

Goat: Oh.

LJ: It's so dark in here....

Star: Love conquers all.

Goat: So does 100-proof Absolut.

-Swig-

Want some, Jack?

Jack: Don't mind if I do.

-Swig-.....-Swig-....-CHUG CHUG CHUG-

Spiffster: Dude, what the fuck?! Jack's already got like a liter of whiskey in him already, I don't think he can handle that shit!

Jack: Shut up, ya fuckin' lightweight.

Smasher: He'll be fine....right Jack? Jack?? JESUS CHRIST JACK, WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING?!

Jack: Molesting Star Jones, you stupid shithead....What does it look like?

Goat: For God's sake, somebody stop him! Spiff, do something.

Spiffster: C'mon Jack, that's enough, I'm taking you home. C'mon, let's g- ARHHHH! YOU SON OF A BITCH!

-Jack cracks bottle over Spiffster's head-

Jack: Y'like that, pussyboy?

Spiffster: Ughhh....

-Spiffster passes out-

Star: Get him off of me!!

Smasher: He's gone fucking nuts...#2, you wanna help me out here?

#2 Let's take him.

Jack: YOU WANNA PIECE OF THE JACK, DO YA!!

Smasher: OOWWWWWW!! JESUS FUCKIN' CHRIST, HE BIT OFF MY FUCKIN' LEG!

#2: Bastard kicked me in the nuts!

-Smasher and #2 are on the floor-

LJ: I'll get him.

Goat: But you're a penis...

LJ: What's it to you?

Goat: Jack'll eat you alive!

LJ: We'll see about that. Here I come, you son of a bitch!

-Jack eats him alive-

Goat: Damnit Jack!

Jack: What?

Goat: You do this every time...

Star: Jack, you seem to have some personal issues you need to take care of. It might be an issue of simple lack of self esteem.

Jack: What the fuck are you talking about?

Star: One of my most frequently asked questions is: How do I have such great self-esteem? Well the answer is simple: I was raised with it.

I have always had a mother and a father who believed in me. I never knew a day growing up when my parents didn’t say something encouraging. I was always smart…never “stupid”. I was always pretty…never “ugly”. I was never compared to other children…I was just encouraged to be the best "me" that I could be. That is the greatest gift you can give a child…the freedom and self-confidence to be themselves.

I was blessed; I had the most wonderful upbringing from two of the kindest human beings on the planet. Now don’t get me wrong…I wasn’t a perfect child. I had a big mouth and thought that I knew everything (like you couldn’t guess that) so I was disciplined…but in ways that would put me in check, but not stifle my free spirit. My parents’ example taught me what it was like to have a healthy and happy family life. No parental screaming matches, no drunken brawls, no slamming doors or profanity laced arguments. In all honesty, I have never heard my father raise his voice to my mom or to my sister or me. (Except during every football season when I thought my parents would surely divorce since my mother is a Cowboys fan and my father loves the Eagles). He loves his girls. His manner taught me how a man is suppose to treat a woman and he has raised the bar so high that I’m willing to wait for the man who can reach it!

My mother on the other hand, taught me how a woman should carry herself. That she should command respect and never allow anyone to make her feel less than the queen she is. I was taught from an early age that it was never OK to walk "on" people to get ahead...but you could walk "around" them if they were in your way and blocking your progress. My mom was also the disciplinarian in our family. She taught us responsibility, all the while encouraging us to shine brightly...and I thank her everyday.

I hope to mirror their child rearing technique with my own children one day and I hope that my children will love me as much as I adore my parents. You see, it is because they were my "parents" growing up, that they are my "friends" now that I'm an adult. Even now, at almost 40 years old, I rarely end the day without calling to laugh with my mom and dad about something. My father often calls just to say that I was looking good in something I was wearing on The View. He'll say, "Baby Girl, you were looking good today!" Talk about sending you over the moon. I love them so much and my sister and I never end a conversation or a visit with my parents without everyone saying, "I love you".

So now, you know the secret. The seed you foster in your children when they are little will grow into a blossoming flower when they are adults and no one will be able to pierce that protective armor you have given them. The gift of self-esteem is the greatest gift you can give your child...it is one they will carry with them all the days of their lives. You will give them a great sense of self and self-worth. My parents gave me that gift a long time ago and many years later it allows me to honestly say: I know who Star Jones is...and I like her very much.

-Jack proceeds to passionately beat Star Jones with his bare hands while Goat, who is severely intoxicated, is passed out on the couch. That is the end of this week's discussion. Check back next week for another roundtable discussion with Jack.-