QUOTES
thanks to: http://ikevin.net/quotes/family_guy.php for the link:
| Who Said it: | Quote: | Submitted by: | Date Submitted: | Time Submitted (Eastern Time): |
| Lois, Peter, Brian | Lois - "Oh Peter...Something bad always happens when you drink." Peter - "Yea...Something bad...all the way to the bank!!" Brian - "Nice." |
Yo daddy | 08/9/2003 | 11:16 |
| N/A | stewie walks up stairs(sees two girls)they say stewie come play with us come play with us forever.(stewie says all play and no work makes stewie a dull boy.(pulls out rocket luncher and fires). | N/A | 08/8/2003 | 09:14 |
| peter and book store guy | peter:im looking for toilet training book? bok store guy:everybody poops but u is still the standard one, we also have the less popular nobody poops but you. peter:see were catholic so uhhh? book store guy:oh then you want your a naughty child and thats nothing but pure concentrated evil coming out the back end of you. peter:perfect |
sean | 08/7/2003 | 23:32 |
| stewie | It's not that i want to kill her...i just dont want her alove..anymore | hynes | 08/7/2003 | 14:39 |
| Peter | why do women have boobs so men have somthing to look at when there talking to them(everyone laughs) | tim & todd | 08/7/2003 | 12:31 |
| PETER | oh that's a big puddle (takes jacket off gives it to brian put's lady in puddle a guy walk's across her and say's thank's) | tim & todd | 08/7/2003 | 12:24 |
| peter n stewie | peter:i see ur bum stewie:oh great y dont u take a picture u pervert so i'll have sumthing to bring to court! |
cassandra | 08/7/2003 | 00:50 |
| peter | Boyscout leader: Chris you have three days to earn a merrit badge or you
are out of the scouts. Peter:3 days, that's tomarrow! |
PAUL | 08/6/2003 | 19:02 |
| N/A | Lois: Brain You are not wareing the sweter I made you. Brain: Well it's a little warm in here. lois: Don we now a gay apperale. (Brain put on the sweter) Brin: Dos'nt get more gayer than this. | N/A | 08/6/2003 | 16:57 |
| Meg and Stewie | Meg: Mom guess what, i made Flag Girl squad Stewie: Flag Girl? um yes good for you. Now you can be somewhere else when the boys don't call |
elijah | 08/6/2003 | 14:04 |
| Peter & Lois | Peter: Lois you'r acting like it's the first time I did somethin stupid.
Hey remember when we were about to get that boat? (10 minutes ago) Peter: Lois, lets go with the mystery box. The boat is a a boat but the mystery box could be anything. It could even be a boat, you know how much we've wanted one of those. Lois: We'll go with the boat. Peter: We'll take the box! Salesman: The box is your's. (10 minutes later) Lois: Peter that was ten minutes ago. |
Rae | 08/6/2003 | 10:52 |
| Waitress And Stewie | Waitress: Here try some of Flappy's Pancakes. Stewie: (Chew,Chew,Chew)Mmmmmmm. Good news Flappy I've decided not to kill you!!! |
Jake | 08/6/2003 | 10:40 |
| peter | peter: ahhhhhhhhhhhhhh lady: was that for 'party of 5' too? peter: NO! that was for my refund. what the hell's 'party of 5'? |
mad | 08/5/2003 | 22:59 |
| N/A | lady: you smell nice peter: well, oh, oh, that must be you. lady: no, it couldn't be me. i just farted. oeter: oh... |
madison | 08/5/2003 | 22:54 |
| peter and chris | SWEET! I'M GETTIN AN AUDI! i have an inny. |
mad | 08/5/2003 | 22:53 |
| peter | IM GONNA BUY US SOMETHING WE'VE ALWAYS WANTED... A CAT? (SLAP) A STEREO? (SLAP) A POOL? (SLAP) OH, oh, i'm sorry. it is a pool. |
madison | 08/5/2003 | 22:53 |
| all | lois: chris, is that a note chris: no lois: yes, it is. would you like to read it to the rest of the class? chris: no. meg: just read it lard-o. (the note):"i think mrs. griffin's hot." lois: go to your room. |
madison | 08/5/2003 | 22:47 |
| joe (neighbor) | YES! LOCK AND LOAD! LOCK AND LOAD! BRING ON THE PAIN!! | madison | 08/5/2003 | 22:18 |
| O | Stewie: Isn't It Funny How They Say "Life Is Like A Box Of Chocolates"? Well In Your Case, Dear Mother, Life Is Like A Box Of ACTIVE GRENADES!! | The Ultimate Pie | 08/5/2003 | 17:16 |
| NA | Peter: I want the father-son relationship that the Gumbles have. Lois: The Gumbles are brothers. Peter: Oh so just because they're black we cant learn anything from them? |
SkaRoker22 | 08/5/2003 | 09:33 |
| Quagmire | in the 80's i was always in bed by 8 .......... and home by 11! Oh! | Tim Hofmeyr | 08/4/2003 | 14:01 |
| Stewie | (bookcase falls over. stewie is standing behind it) Stewie: "Pancakes!" funniest thing ever |
Elijah | 08/3/2003 | 16:34 |
| Doc, Peter unt hemm Lois | Doctor : Peter, good News! You don't have cancer. That lump in your
breast is a Fatyy Carbucle. Peter: How can a dead actor from the 40's be in my breast? Doctor: Peter, I'm telling you you're fine. Peter: What are you coming on to me now? Lois: Peter, he's telling you you're not gonna die. Doctor: Can't it be both? (hillarious silence) |
Your name here for 50$ | 08/3/2003 | 15:04 |
| peter | after bryan pees in a store peter: geez bryian where do you think you are, Payless? |
jesse | 08/3/2003 | 10:55 |
| N/A | Meg: so um I guess the 26 dollars would be safe in my room Stewie: Right....itd probablly lost in the in pin-ups of justin tiberlake and tom cruze and umm blast who the devil do the teenagers like.....em du Morgan Freemen |
N/A | 08/3/2003 | 03:23 |
| N/A | (Bus that says HANSON breaks down in front of Peters house) Peter: HOLY CRAP ITS THE CHILDREN OF THE CRON!!(blows them away) |
N/A | 08/3/2003 | 03:15 |
| N/A | Chris: They have this game where you stick in a dollar and win four quarters....I WIN EVERYTIME!!!!....i get to go right? | N/A | 08/3/2003 | 03:13 |
| N/A | Chis: Well we cant keep the 26 dollars in my room, an evil monkey lives
in there....the sad thing is, he wasnt always evil (Flashback) Monkey:(walks in the door) Honey! Guess who made partner??(walks in bedroom, sees monkey wife with monkey lover. stairs. All three start jumping up and dow making monkey noises. Points finger EVILY) |
N/A | 08/3/2003 | 03:12 |
| N/A | (KISS saves Santa playing in store window) Peter: (man takes tv out of window) Hey! I was watching that! Store Clerk: It will be on next year! Peter: Yea, But who the hell knows when that will be!?! |
N/A | 08/3/2003 | 03:07 |
| N/a |
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Mike | 08/3/2003 | 02:51 |
| N/A | Lois: Glien hold stewie? Quagmire: said and done. Hey there spud in the
mud. Stewie: good god do bath in aqua velva ? |
N/A | 08/3/2003 | 01:54 |
| N/A | Frostey: Marey christmas (lois Punches off frostey's head and walks off one oo the kids puts the head back on) Frostey: whant the hell is her problem |
N/A | 08/3/2003 | 01:49 |
| N/A | Qagmire: Whant another liemon snowcone peter? Peter: thanks but the last one you gave me did not taste like liemon it tasted like... oh you are an ass hole ! |
N/A | 08/3/2003 | 01:36 |
| N/A | Peter: Quaqmire you rat Bastred Come neer my fence again and it will be your head! Quagmire Hey shut up! | N/A | 08/2/2003 | 23:01 |
| Peter | "I have ideas just pouring out of my head, do you want me to put them in a bath and bathe with them? Because thats what soap is for Lois." - Peter (Family Guy) | Fucked Up | 08/2/2003 | 22:58 |
| Fat Stewie | Damn u ice cream. come to my mouth. | i dunno | 08/2/2003 | 21:45 |
| peter | Thank God i mean Thank me. aahhhhh ahhh just kidding. |
wyatt | 08/2/2003 | 14:23 |
| chris | U mean God watches me do number 2. Well i'm a sinner and God's a
pervert. |
eric | 08/2/2003 | 14:21 |
| peter | Put skinny back up there. |
wyatt | 08/2/2003 | 14:19 |
| peter | If i wasn't so sure u were a lesbian i would say u were comin on to me. | wyatt | 08/2/2003 | 14:18 |
| N/A | Stewie: Damn You all | Jacob | 08/2/2003 | 03:45 |
| N/A | Peter: No No Damn damn Crap damn it to hell son of a... Lois: Peter
Peter: Lois Somtimes Its Good To Sware [A Sine of a cort room] Gard: Do You Sware to tell the truth the hole truth and nothing but the truth so hlep you god ? Peter: I do You basterd |
Jacob | 08/2/2003 | 03:35 |
| N/A | Peter: You could get a desk job...you'd like that huh? You could be a
desk. |
N/A | 08/2/2003 | 01:14 |
| N/A | Brian: say something please. Stewie: Like what?! Brian: I dont know anything Stewie: Yay and god said to Abraham, "you will kill your son Issak." and abraham said "i cant hear you, you'll have to speak in to the micraphone." and god said "oh im sorry is this better, check check, jerry, jerry, pull the high end out im still getting some his back here." |
N/A | 08/2/2003 | 01:00 |
| N/A | Farmers wife:(talking to stewie) I bet your hungry. Stewie: Yes and i bet you lost your viginity to a mechenical bull...NOW CHANGE ME1 |
N/A | 08/2/2003 | 00:54 |
| N/A | (Stewie and Brian get in crop dusting plane, Brian starts plane and gets
it moving) (runs straight in to two cows on each side of the wings) Stewie: boy! won't your face be red when they find the black box on this one |
N/A | 08/2/2003 | 00:50 |
| N/A | (Lois walks in to bed room while peter is watching porno "relationship"
tape) (peter sitting naked on bed) lois: Peter what are ya....(as she opens door) Pete: GET OUT THIS IS A PART JUST FOR THE GUYS! |
N/A | 08/2/2003 | 00:46 |
| N/A | (Brian licking stewie in his sleep) Stewie: thats right mr. giraff get all the marmalade. |
N/A | 08/2/2003 | 00:42 |
| stewie | AH AH AH AH Damn it to pus-spewing blood-gutted hell!! | N/A | 08/2/2003 | 00:41 |
| stewin | i love kaella oh and oh yeah the quote "clicka clicka bloody click pancakes" |
nick b | 08/1/2003 | 22:59 |
| Stewie | I say! The fat man made a funny! i say Lois, if u cooked any slower... well u wouldn;t be cooking very fast now would u? no.. thats not good at all... if you cooked any slower, u wouldn't need an egg timer, u'd need an egg calander! (laughs) thats right, i went there | i dunno | 08/1/2003 | 22:20 |
| Brian | (to Peter who is sitting outside the front door of the house) well Peter, you've only got a couple of hours left, if you are gonna pull a party out of your ass, you might wanna stand up. | Ken | 08/1/2003 | 22:10 |
| Peter at work | Peter - "Why do women have boobs?" (male crowd looks on in anticipation) Peter - "So ya got something to look at when your talkin to them." (Men Laughs, women walks into room (as men walk away) and says, "Jokes? I like jokes!") Peter - "Oh yea? Well then youll love this one: Why do women have boobs?" (Woman gasps, peter goes on) Peter - "So ya got something to look at when your talkin to them." (Peter laughs. Woman is silent.) Peter - "So ya got something to look at when your talkin to them." (Again, woman is silent as Peter laughs) GREATEST QUOTE EVER |
Chris | 08/1/2003 | 20:07 |
| Stewie | "What the Deuce?" | Chris | 08/1/2003 | 20:03 |
| Peter | Hello...I am a cybernetic organism that came from the future...my name is......ANNA. | AsianGamer04 | 08/1/2003 | 17:26 |
| Peter/Stewie | PeteR: Well, i guess you dont have to toilet train, i should give you
some beer eh? That stuff runs right through ya Stewie: (Sarcastc) Oh great while we do that we can smoke a doobie and watch some porn Peter: Y... Yea? |
dENOON | 08/1/2003 | 14:25 |
| Peter/Bigfoot | (Meg just crashed the car into the satellite. People ar eyelling) Peter: Look, Bigfoot! Bigfoot: Hey, this isn't about me, it's about you. |
Kyle | 08/1/2003 | 13:58 |
| Stewie | No no, seriously, I've got about a half a pack of Rolaids in my diaper. | Brad | 08/1/2003 | 10:40 |
| Peter | "you know it's funny, because, I always thought dogs layed eggs....and I learnt something today..." | Rugbyman7 | 08/1/2003 | 05:35 |
| Stewie | Stewie: Cut my eggs. Butler: [cuts eggs] Your eggs are cut sir. Stewie: Cut my milk! Butler: I can’t sir, it’s liquid. Stewie: Imbecile! Freeze it, then cut it, and if you question me again I’ll put you on diaper detail and I promise I won’t make it easy for you. |
Spidey | 08/1/2003 | 02:14 |
| Glen Quagmire | What? Fat bitches need loving too... but they have to pay | Addicted to Toad | 08/1/2003 | 01:48 |
| Peter Griffin | Canada sucks | my name | 07/31/2003 | 23:07 |
| Peter | I'm sorry sir but you can't build a swimming pool here, your house is
too close to the curb. Oh yeah? Well... Your eyes are too close to your nose! Oh yeah? well... I only have to wear one goggle when I GO SWIMMING IN MY POOL! |
head | 07/31/2003 | 11:33 |
| Stewie | (peter talks about how he doesn't need Brian) Stewie: Let's get a kitty!!! |
Aspen | 07/31/2003 | 02:18 |
| N/A | Brian: FACE!!! | N/A | 07/30/2003 | 23:12 |
| peter | Host: The password is "flaming". Peter: You.... Tony Randall: Me Peter: You.... Tony Randall: Tony. Peter: You.... |
your ugly im sexy | 07/30/2003 | 15:04 |
| Finnius and Barnaby | CORRECTION: Finnius: Had a bit of a row with a man in the steam room. Barnaby: You don't say! Finnius: Gave him a cauliflower ear. <<-- Barnaby: Bully! |
Brad | 07/30/2003 | 13:36 |
| Peter | You can't annex my pool According to the Geneva Convention Article 4 Paragraph 3 Sentence 5 Word 3...."The" |
Bryan | 07/30/2003 | 11:24 |
| Adam West | I love this job as much as I love taffy, and I am a man who enjoy's his taffy (Eats Taffy). | Bryan | 07/30/2003 | 11:20 |
| Stewie | I'M COO COO FOR CRACK!! | Victor | 07/30/2003 | 01:11 |
| Cleveland Jr | Cleveland Jr: "Heh. Heh. Heh. I'm Tiger Woods (Hits golf ball) Heh. Heh. Heh." | Jayaretee | 07/30/2003 | 00:58 |
| Stewie | Death: "Ok well I had better go. My ankle's feeling better." Stewie: "Go?!? But you can't go! You just got here! Well, wait a minute. What's your e-mail? Mine is LoisMustDie, all one word, at yahoo.com" |
Jayaretee | 07/30/2003 | 00:38 |
| Peter | "My father's worked at that mill for 60 years! That's almost 80 years!!!" | Jayaretee | 07/30/2003 | 00:21 |
| Stewie | "I will use these facilities when i damn-well please! Until then, you shall clean my crevasse and be happy with it as of right....nnn (trying to say "now") ohh!" | Jayaretee | 07/30/2003 | 00:19 |
| Stewie | "I say, mother, this hotdog has been on my plate for a full minute and it has not yet cut itself!" | Jayaretee | 07/30/2003 | 00:16 |
| Quagmire | The Griffins? A bunch of card carrying commies if you ask me. Heh-heh alllriiight. No, No it's not alright! | Jim-Bob | 07/29/2003 | 23:26 |
| Quagmire | (After missile is launched and lands in Quagmire's bedroom ceiling) Well to answer your question, something like that. |
Khrangar | 07/29/2003 | 18:40 |
| peter | (peter and lois escaping from cops) peter turns to lois... Look over there! turns to cops.. Run! (cops run away..) |
jack | 07/29/2003 | 14:53 |
| Stewie to Brian | Dostoevsky - "The Mad Russian"...good stuff...good stuff. | Kenny | 07/28/2003 | 20:46 |
| Peter to Lois | I'm not drunk. I'm just exhausted from a night of drinking. | The Spanish Flea | 07/28/2003 | 14:23 |
| Brian, peter | Peter: Don't worry, I read a book on this once Brian: Are you sure it was a book? Are you sure it wasnt ...nothing? Peter:Oh yah |
Ian | 07/27/2003 | 16:14 |
| Peter | Peter: Well, I'll keep you company till the lights are on Lois. Chris: Dad it's me... Peter: Go to your room |
Kevin | 07/27/2003 | 04:16 |
| Peter | Peter: Hey Lois, give Chris a break. I mean, no TV? So he failed a class, it's not like he felt up his cousin in the garage that Thanksgiving when I was nineteen. | Kahnskiepoo | 07/27/2003 | 00:56 |
| Peter to chris in the sauna | What he said was What is wrong with your legg not what are those two balls hanging from your legg | Jeff | 07/26/2003 | 20:08 |
| Peter talking to lois | Lois-is that singing i hear? Peter-no its uhhhhh good times you know the show that is funnier if you play it loud. (Good Times) Jay Jay-Maxene is the women that is feeling alright thanks to the magic of kid DYNOMITE! Jay Jay's Father-Where have you been jay jay dinner was three hours ago? Jay Jay's Mother-Don't worry about him hes an idiot. Jay Jay-Mama how can you say that. Jay Jay's mother-my names is Florida, Florida thats the name of a state (sobs) (after a 3 minute silence) Jay Jay-DYNOMITE! |
Jeff | 07/26/2003 | 19:51 |
| Stewie to Brian | Stewie: "You their, Bingo, It seems the naughty baby has made a messy poo and it..Whats this?...volume! VOLUME!! | N/A | 07/26/2003 | 16:38 |
| TV Host, Peter to Meg | TV Host: "And were back, Griffin do you have anything to say to your
daughter?" Peter: "I can't believe you'd do this to us Meg...Maybe now I won't give you the antidote!" Meg: "To What?" Peter: "To the posion you JUST drank!...HA HA HA" (Evil Laugh continues) Meg: "You see what I mean, this is not normal" |
N/A | 07/26/2003 | 16:34 |
| Peter to Lois | Peter: "Hey Lois, have you seen my fake beard?(*Crashes through stairs*) Aww crap I'm stuck in the stairs!" | N/A | 07/26/2003 | 15:59 |
| Peter Griffin | Peter: "Ok Callaghan. If you don't put 'Gumbel 2 Gumbel' back on the air
then I'm going on a hunger strike. That's right. A hunger strike. Think you
can live with that on your conscience? 'They look at each other nervously' Peter: "You gonna eat that Stapler?" Callaghan: "Well, you can't eat a Sta..." Peter: "Wanna split it?" |
Anonymous Mofo | 07/26/2003 | 14:01 |
| Stewie | "Oh god these pancakes are better than sex! Flappy! good news, ive decided not to kill you!" | Ian | 07/26/2003 | 00:53 |
| Peter | Peter says to Brian Can I...Can I tie you to a stick and use you as a flag? |
Sarah | 07/26/2003 | 00:27 |
| Peter to The Don | Peter: "What are you gonna make me do: Wack him, off him, wack off him...cause I am married ya know!" | Stan | 07/25/2003 | 22:04 |
| Stewie To Lois About Brian | Stewie: "Aww.. Is the Doggie going by by? (Brian Walks out of car)... Quick back up!" | Stan | 07/25/2003 | 21:58 |
| N/A | Brian- "Its really amazing how this has brought the whole neighborhood
together." Peter- "You wanna know whats really amazing? I havent brushed my teeth in 3 days, and no one has said a thing!" |
twenty2 | 07/25/2003 | 09:26 |
| Quagmire | Whats all the noise out here? I was just layin in bed, jerkin- ...out of a deep sleep! | twenty2 | 07/25/2003 | 09:24 |
| Rare1 | UH!!!...Jimy Hendrix was Black?? | Honkey | 07/25/2003 | 09:21 |
| Stewie with the Gents | Stewie: You can't become a bloody fiscal hermit crab every time the
Nikkei undergoes a self correction! Asias market has nowhere to go but up!
*Old rich man puffs pipe* Old Rich Man: Interesting. *Stewie puffs bubble pipe* Stewie: Indeed. |
Griffy | 07/25/2003 | 02:11 |
| Peter | Anna rules, cause she kicks all the bad guys in their tools. | nameless | 07/24/2003 | 22:23 |
| Stewie & Lois | (talking to stewie fom another room) Lois:Stewie,go to bed! Stewie:stay out of this,Lois,this doesn't concern you! (Stewie talking to himself about santa clause) Lois:Stewie don't make me come in there! Stewie:Don't make me come in there! |
michael's babyboo | 07/24/2003 | 18:18 |
| N/A |
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N/A | 07/24/2003 | 13:17 |
| Peter | Do I Paint with my Penis? | N/A | 07/24/2003 | 13:04 |
| Doctor on TV to Rudolf | Well Rudolf we finally figured out what makes your nose red Is it pixy dust or Leprocaun tails? No its a tumor You mean like a magical christmas tumor? No a malignant tumor the base of which is lodged deep within your brain Oh... like a happy special- Youre going to die. |
WSIII | 07/24/2003 | 01:31 |
| Stewie | Lois: "But Stewie, I brought your favorite tape." "Stewie: "...Play 'Wheels On the Bus' and get the hell out of my sight!" |
Allen | 07/24/2003 | 01:24 |
| Peter | Business Man: So Peter, where do you see yourself in five years?" In Peter's head: Don't say "doin' your wife," don't say "doin' your wife," don't say "doin' your wife." Peter: Doin' your. . .son? |
Sean Alec | 07/23/2003 | 14:39 |
| Stewie | Stewie: Broccoli eh? they look like trees! FROM HELL!! (pulls out laser gun and shoots it) (tsk tsk ZAP) |
N/A | 07/23/2003 | 13:08 |
| peter | (peter watching an episode of happy days) peter: shhhhh! everyone quiet this is the one where the fonze says ehhhhh! the fonze: ehhhhhhhhh! peter: hahahahahahahahaha! |
chris B. | 07/23/2003 | 12:17 |
| peter | peter: make like siameese twins and split ............. and then one of you die |
chris B. | 07/23/2003 | 12:12 |
| Peter | Louis:Peter did you say you would. Peter:no, you must be hearing things, go to sleep crazy lady. |
Eric "sexified" Brown | 07/23/2003 | 06:00 |
| Chris | Chris:Meg, now try to guess the word i'm thinking, and it's not kitty.
Meg:Is it kitty? Chris:OH MY GOD, GET OUT OF MY HEAD, AHHHHH! |
Eric "sexified" Brown | 07/23/2003 | 05:55 |
| Chris | Chris: Hey Meg, try to think of the word i'm thinking of, and it's not
kitty. Meg: I don't know......banana. Chris:AHHA, it was kitty |
Eric "sexified" Brown | 07/23/2003 | 05:52 |
| Joe | Peter:Ah it looks like thats the one that got away(a fish swam away) Joe:Oh i dont think so(gives a gun to his son) NOW YOU GET IN THERE, AND YOU KICK THAT FISHES ASSS!!!!!!! |
Eric "sexified" Brown | 07/23/2003 | 05:48 |
| Peter/Lois | Peter: Look at this, Lois, see right here [points in book], I was voted
most likely to succeed! Lois: Peter, that's not you. That's not even a yearbook, it's a People magazine. Peter: Oh, I wondered why they had the wrong picture and name. |
*Ecstasy* | 07/23/2003 | 00:27 |
| Painter on TV | "Alright, now we're gunna use a fan brush here and-uh-I want you to take some Hunter Green, and we're gunna put a happy li'l bush right down over here in the corner there. And that'll just be our little secret...and if you tell ANYONE that that bush is there, I will come to your house and I will cut you!" | *Ecstasy* | 07/23/2003 | 00:25 |
| Stewie | Time for a sexy party!!!!!!!!! | Me | 07/22/2003 | 17:30 |
| black UN delegate | and hey! would you also like a special satellite than can scratch your
ass with a laser beam from space? Peter: they have those??? |
joe mama | 07/22/2003 | 16:36 |
| Peter | come on Meg lets get home, Fox is running one of those new reality shows, fast animals, slow children |
bob jones | 07/22/2003 | 13:02 |
| Peter | Nigel: Oh dear this is a rather awkward situation Peter: Awkward situation eh? Well one time during sex I called Lois 'Frank'! Your move Sherlock... |
Yer Gron | 07/22/2003 | 10:02 |
| Pat S | I never farted until i was 18 (flashback) fart Peter: What the hell was that |
patrick | 07/21/2003 | 16:01 |
| Peter | Do I...Do I conduct with my penis? | Sean Alec | 07/21/2003 | 01:10 |
| Peter | [When Peter realizes Joe is handicapped]"Holy crip! It's a crapple!" | Max | 07/21/2003 | 00:13 |
| N/A | Pete: Louis comes up to me wanting to know if she can get a job, and I was like " I got a job for you right here"(points at his crotch).....this zippers been broken for weeks, ive had to use a safety pin. | N/A | 07/20/2003 | 17:53 |
| N/A | Afgan Guy: OkaBokaDoka Louis: Sorry Afgan Guy: May I have a blanket Louis: Oh Yes Afgan Guy: HA! I really said be my wife and you said Yes....Let me touch your face! |
N/A | 07/20/2003 | 16:17 |
| N/A | Louis: A quiter never wins and dont trust whitey | N/A | 07/20/2003 | 16:14 |
| Stewie / Lois | (Episode where the Y2K happens, and they must go to Natick to the
Twinkie factory ) Stewie: Oh very good, fat man! We've followed the pied piper of hamsteak to the gates of oblivion and look what it's brought us! We're finished! We're done! Game over, man! Game over! (Falls) Oh! Dammit! Lois: Stewie, get out of that nuclear waste! Who knows what animals have been in there! |
Kat | 07/20/2003 | 03:07 |
| stewie | "this is my rifle, this is my gun. this is for fighting, this is for fun! | Ryande | 07/20/2003 | 00:51 |
| N/A | Peter: so what happend to the theif? Joe: Ironicly I severed his spine. Peter: Looks like you have more competition at next years games. Joe: No, he's dead. |
N/A | 07/19/2003 | 17:44 |
| Chris and Peter | Chris: Dad i need to tell you something.... oh wait (chris jumps on peter's lap and gives him a kiss) Peter: son we will never speak of this ever again |
N/A | 07/18/2003 | 20:07 |
| Spongebob | Im just a talking Sponge is all! | Eminems Girl | 07/18/2003 | 19:13 |
| Peter | Guns don't kill people, dangerous minorities do. | Bleuch | 07/18/2003 | 13:33 |
| Stewie | Stewie: I say mother, I come bearing a gift. I'll give you 2 hints. It's in my diaper and it's not a toaster. | ----- | 07/18/2003 | 02:53 |
| Stewie | "Heavens, it appears my penis has been stricken with rigamortous" | Family Guy | 07/18/2003 | 00:16 |
| Tom Tucker | Get outta here! Get outta here! Get, Get, Get outa Here! [Peter walks in on tom tuckers dressing room, and tom falls over chair] | Smashley | 07/17/2003 | 23:54 |
| Me | Inside toaster, please send help. | He;lp | 07/17/2003 | 22:41 |
| Lee Majors | What? Women are things. | Derek | 07/17/2003 | 22:38 |
| Peter and Cherrywood Manor staff | (in the Cherrywood Manor song) Chefs: I cook brunch, Claude cooks lunch, each and everyda! (Blake comes in flipping and doing splits with a chocolate cake) Blake: Chocolate cake ala Blake! (Peter whispers to the kids) Peter: $100, Blake is gay!! Butlers and Maids: Now that ur stinking rich..we'll gladly be your bitch! Peter: My god this house is freakin sweettttttttttttttt! |
Terry | 07/17/2003 | 11:15 |
| Guy | And remember, nothing says good job like a firm open-palmed slap on the behind | Derek | 07/17/2003 | 09:29 |
| Louis, Peter and Brian | (to brian) Louis: Dont worry....Peter is working or ur appeal as we speak. (Peter walks in) Peter: We did it! They said they'll hear ur case. Brian: Yes, now all i gotta do is work on my own case. Louis: U can do it Brian. (dog flashes other dog) Louis: Peter dont stare. |
John & Terry | 07/16/2003 | 21:29 |
| Brian | Doesn't every dog has its day?! | John & Terry | 07/16/2003 | 21:23 |
| Stewie | [brian got out of the car and walks by himself] Lois: Brian..no.. Stewie: Awwww,is the doggy goes bye bye? [laughs hesterically,sits for 5 seconds before he stands up and watch's brian] Stewie: Quick!back up! |
Me,duh? | 07/16/2003 | 15:38 |
| Death and Peter | [Death and Peter run into each other...] Both: "YOU AGAIN?!" |
Dan | 07/16/2003 | 14:51 |
| Brian and Chris | Brian: Things can never go back the way they were...not after what
happened to me....not after the things I've seen!! Chris: What did you see? Was it BRESTS?! |
Terry | 07/16/2003 | 12:08 |
| Peter | "Merry Christmas to all, and to all, SHUT THE HELL UP!!" | Terry and John | 07/16/2003 | 04:02 |
| Hugh Downs | All in a days work ma'am. Hugh Downs Away! (and flys away like Superman |
Filth Masta Flex | 07/16/2003 | 03:44 |
| stewie | for every sprinkle i find, i shall kill you! | Nate | 07/15/2003 | 21:28 |
| peter/brian | peter: hey look my alphabet cereal is sending me a message...its says "oooooooo"
brian: peter, those are cheerios |
Nate | 07/15/2003 | 21:25 |
| N/A | Chris: Dad, what if I told you I didn't want to be in the scouts
anymore. Peter: I'd say "come again?" And then I'd laugh cause I said come. |
Matty | 07/15/2003 | 17:10 |
| Meg and Adam West | Meg: Excuse me, Mayor West? Adam West: How do you know my language? Meg: Listen to me, my entire future is in your hands! Adam West: Are you Sarah Connor? |
Ryan | 07/15/2003 | 01:22 |
| Timmy and Employee | At Cheesie Charlie's (Peter's version Timmy: I have 13 tickets, is that enough? Employee: I'm sorry Timmy, you need 15 tickets to live. (Timmy falls through a hole in the floor) |
Bigfoot | 07/15/2003 | 00:54 |
| peter | "Dont worry i got an idea. an idea so smart my head would explode if i even began to know what i was talking about..." | Ryan | 07/15/2003 | 00:53 |
| Your other dad | Quagmire: Hey, what's wrong kid? Chris: My dad doesn't care about me anymore. Quagmire: oh, well hey at least you have a dad, when i was growing up it was just me and my mom. (flash back to mother holding baby Quagmire) Baby Quagmire: Waaa, Waaa, Waaa. Mom: aww, looks like somebodies hungery. Baby Quag: Waa, Waa (mom whips out tit) Allriight. |
Asshat | 07/14/2003 | 17:37 |
| On of your 2 dads | UPS Lady: package for Glen Quagmire. Quagmire: Oh, excuse me (walks back in house, cames back out naked) he, I got a package for you too, alllriight. (Lady sprays him with mace) Quagmire: nice try, but I've built up an immunity. (Lady runs and drives away, Quagmire chasing her) |
Asshat | 07/14/2003 | 17:33 |
| your other mom | Meg: Why is he freaking out like that? Lois: Oh, he's having a little hallucination from the fever, just like when you were 3 and you accidentally ate those adult brownies I was saving for the Doobie Brothers concert. |
Asshat | 07/14/2003 | 17:30 |
| your mom | (Peter and Chris are eating soup at a restuarant, Peter looks around and
pulls a dead guy out from under the table) Peter: uhh, waiter, there's a dead guy in my soup. Waiter: Oh, I'm terribly sorry sir, of course your soup is gratis. Peter: Thank You. (looks at Chris), now your turn. Chris: Waiter, there's a dead guy in my ... (dead guy wakes up screaming, Chris starts screaming and beating the guy with a wine bottle) (Peter crawls away) |
Asshat | 07/14/2003 | 17:28 |
| Stewie | That's it Mr Giraffe, get all the marmalade. | Jamie | 07/14/2003 | 16:43 |
| Lois and Stewie | Lois: Now stewie, why don't you play nice? Stewie: I don't know Mother, why don't you burn in hell? |
francis | 07/13/2003 | 22:38 |
| Quagmire | Peter - Hey Quagmire what brings you here? Quagmire - Soccer moms, ah ha ha Alright! |
crag birkett | 07/13/2003 | 15:41 |
| Peter | [at a women's pregnancy area] [two girls hugging] Peter:hey,comfort her,stroke her back,now,now,smell her hair [all of the girls jaw dropedand stares at Peter] |
Sylvanna | 07/13/2003 | 11:41 |
| Stewie | Stewie:You know mother,life is a box of chocolate,you never know what your gonna get,your life on however,is a box of active grenades! | Sylvanna | 07/13/2003 | 11:33 |
| Peter | [in the court] Guy:You swear to tell the truth,the whole truth and nothing but the truth? Peter:I do.....ya bastard |
Syvlanna | 07/13/2003 | 11:21 |
| Brian+Stewie | (Brian is sitting reading the newspaper when Stewie comes up) Stewie: Hey dog, look where my hand is. (Brian keeps reading) Stewie: I Say, look where my hand is. Its in a very naughty place.(Brian looks to see that Stewie has his finger in his nose) Stewie: Doesn't that disguist you?! Brian: Kid, your talking to a person who uses his tongue for tiolet paper Stewie: Look im writing profanity on the walls (Stewie wrote poppycock) Brian: Watersoilable Stewie: DAMNIT! I have misbehaved! I have been a dirty little monkey! Oh if that vile woman was here Brian: Aww do you miss your mommy? Stewie: Oh yes that's it i miss my mommy. Brian: What ever you say... mama's boy Stewie: BLAST! |
QuagmireMan3 | 07/13/2003 | 09:29 |
| Mr.Weed+Peter | Mr.Weed: Peter, your fired! Peter: Aww damnit! For how long? |
QuagmireMan3 | 07/13/2003 | 09:24 |
| alex | Stewert | alex | 07/12/2003 | 17:17 |
| Brian | Are you sure it was something? Or are you sure it wasn't... nothing!? | c-money | 07/11/2003 | 23:05 |
| peter | Peter:Shut up Wonka!! | nelly | 07/11/2003 | 19:48 |
| Stewie and Lois | Lois:OK Stewie fish your milk and I'll lay you down for your nap. (Lois walks to cabinets) Stewie:ON the contrary mother. (Lois opens cabinet and 4 darts get stuck in the cabinet door) Stewie:Blast!!(Sticks straw back in drink) |
Stewie001 | 07/11/2003 | 19:07 |
| N/A | Jesus : And For My Next Trick I Will Turn This Water....INTO FUNK! | N/A | 07/11/2003 | 16:54 |
| a | a |
a | 07/11/2003 | 16:28 |
| Cream | Fish | Pie | 07/11/2003 | 11:59 |
| Peter | work of art? or container of crazy purple knock out gas?!!? | N/A | 07/11/2003 | 09:50 |
| Chris | (Bear stood in front on peter and chris) dad i know what to doi saw NBC's 'when bears attack' "GO AWAY ur not wanted, go on scat. stay tuned for all new Ally Mcbeal" |
N/A | 07/11/2003 | 09:47 |
| Lois and Stewie | Lois: Here Stewie I made your favorite pancakes. Stewie: Thank you Lois, when I rule the world, your death shall come quick and painless. |
Steven | 07/11/2003 | 02:21 |
| Peter | (Peter on a raft, like Cast Away) Peter: (Talking to a ball) WILSON!! WHAT ARE WE GONNA DO NOW!?! WILSON! WILSON! Ball: My name is Voit, dumbass |
Craig | 07/10/2003 | 17:55 |
| Niles and Peter |
Niles: Well Frasier, you're so corpulant that when you sit around the magnificently appointed tusken villa, you sit AROUND the magnificently appointed tusken villa. Peter: Huh, this is the smartest show on TV! |
Ryan | 07/10/2003 | 15:32 |
| Cops to Peter and Lowis | "Aren't you a little old to be drinking illegally?" | N/A | 07/10/2003 | 15:30 |
| Stewy | “...who would try and stop them? And try stopping Pablo’s people from
using drug money to buy arms from Lee’s countrymen, who will in turn sell
them to Uris’s people so that they can ethnically cleanse the rest of this
nauseatingly diverse grab-bag of genetic party-favors you call a family. So
now you understand, yes? You all hate each other." |
Phil | 07/10/2003 | 15:29 |
| Peter | Lois: Where were you my little pumpkin eater? Robot Peter: I was in the can, cause kissing you made me barf. |
jimmy | 07/10/2003 | 02:23 |
| Quagmire | "Show me women I gave the clamp to, oh! | Steven M. | 07/9/2003 | 20:27 |
| Chris | Chris: (on the telephone) So what are you wearing?...Wow, I bet you
could see right through that. Lois: Who are you talking to Chris? Chris: Grandma. |
www.w-rat.com | 07/9/2003 | 15:47 |
| Peter | From above- just an add on. Peter- Well, I'll be the fattest guy on the block with a boat. (What appears to be Fat Albert)- hey hey hey, I'm getting a boat! Peter- Oh great, now Della Reese is getting one too. |
Mari | 07/9/2003 | 11:06 |
| Peter and Fat Albert | Peter: "Well at least i'll be the fattest guy on the block with a boat.
. ." Fat Albert: "Hey, hey, hey, I'm gettin' a boat!" |
Sarah | 07/9/2003 | 05:37 |
| Jesus | *Jesus takes shrinky dinks out of oven.* Jesus: "Wow, look how tiny they are. . ." *Einstein comes and smashes his head in the oven and takes the shrinky dinks.* |
Sarah | 07/9/2003 | 05:31 |
| Lois/Peter | Lois - O this is Atlantic City all over again *Flash to Atlantic City Dealer - 20 Peter - Hit me Lois - Peter, no... Peter - Hit me Dealer - 21 Peter - Hit me Lois - Peter what are you doing Peter - Hit me Dealer - 30 Peter - Hit me |
<=Mike03=> | 07/8/2003 | 17:11 |
| Quagmire+Peter | Quagmire: Who wants to play the game drink the beer? Peter: oooo right here! (Peter takes a sip of his beer) Quagmire: You win! Peter: Alright! What do i win? Quagmire: Another beer! Peter: Oh, im going for the high score Quagmire: Well actually Charlie has the high score (Shows a man with his pants down taking a piss in a clock) Charlie: Hey man, your clock wont flush! |
QuagmireMan3 | 07/8/2003 | 16:46 |
| Lois+Stewie | (Lois is sitting at the table cutting out coupons when 4 darts fly by)
Lois: Stewie, why dont you go upstairs to play Stewie: why dont you BURN IN HELL! |
QuagmireMan3 | 07/8/2003 | 16:42 |
| N/A | peter 'oh man, i feel bad, i promised lois i wouldn't drink tonight' quagmire 'ah, don't feel bad peter' peter 'gee i never thought of it that way' |
N/A | 07/8/2003 | 16:41 |
| Stewie | "Well, Brocolli, todays forecast calls for rain with a chance of DOOM!!!! | Phyn'llqys | 07/8/2003 | 16:37 |
| Brian and Peter | Brian: Well Peter, my psychiatrist thinks I'm in love. Peter: OH MY GOD! You can talk? |
Seck | 07/8/2003 | 16:09 |
| Stewie | How the Devil do u kno about Lewis? | Bart | 07/8/2003 | 12:02 |
| N/A | milk mile, lemonade, 'round the corner fudge is made | N/A | 07/8/2003 | 10:15 |
| Man sharing peter's locker | Hey Jim, what do you say to happy hour at the station? I say Cheryl's going to have another black eye to explain to the neighbors. |
Droz | 07/8/2003 | 10:12 |
| peter/meg/stewie/brian | peter: meg..dont you know smoking can kill you?? stewie: it can?? brian: yes stewie, it can...you should try it sometime |
me! | 07/7/2003 | 22:05 |
| Dianne & Blackie | Dianne: Now to our Weather Man Blackie. SO Blackie how is the Weather
going to be like? Blackie: ITS GONNA RAIN!!!! back to you Dianna: Thank you Blackie in other news.. |
DiscoTito | 07/7/2003 | 17:10 |
| Kevin | "My parents don't like me listening to that stuff, but I do anyway because I AM NOT A ROBOT!!!!" | caritas13 | 07/7/2003 | 16:52 |
| multiple | Peter: Damn government, tell me I can't build a pool in my backyard, and
after my grandfather helped create one of the worlds most beloved cartoon
characters... [cut to executive meeting] Exec: Ok, all in favor of naming our newest character Bugs Bunny? (all hands but one raise) Exec: All in favor of Efrom the Retarded Rabbit? (Peter's grandfather raises hand, storms out after losing) |
E | 07/7/2003 | 14:09 |
| me | family guy rocks!!! | me | 07/7/2003 | 01:19 |
| Peter | Nipples and dimes..Nickles and Boobs..Money | Trash | 07/6/2003 | 22:11 |
| Tom Tucker | Good evening america, I'm Tom Tucker, our top story: the president has
been shot. tragedy has struck the nation, our president has been shot. What's the president doing in this casket? Find out after the break. |
Rob Grey | 07/6/2003 | 19:18 |
| Meg | Meg: Oh my god! I'm going up to my room to eat a whole bowl of peanuts.
(Peter and Lois stare) I'm alergic to peanuts! (Peter and Lois stare) You two don't know anything about me. (Meg runs upstairs) Peter: Who the hell was that guy? |
Rob Gray | 07/6/2003 | 19:12 |
| Neil Goldman | Neil: NO ONE crosses Neil Goldman and gets away with it. I added
something to his coffee I think he will like. Tom: What the hell is this?? Neil: Sweet and Low, that's for moving in on my woman. Tom: Go give this to me with urine in it like I asked. Neil: Yes sir |
Rob Gray | 07/6/2003 | 19:07 |
| Tom Tucker | I am not trying to seduce you Dustin Hoffman. | Rob Gray | 07/6/2003 | 19:02 |
| Peter | Peter: If you're here, and we're here, *takes out a map and a pointer*
and Istanbul is in this general area, then who's that? (I nearly wet myself...) |
The magical flying jelly! | 07/6/2003 | 18:55 |
| gddggf | gddgdgdg | ggdgdgd | 07/6/2003 | 16:37 |
| Fart | Fart | Fart | 07/6/2003 | 16:37 |
| Vaginal secretions | Vaginal secretions | Vaginal secretions | 07/6/2003 | 16:36 |
| Penis | Penis | Penis | 07/6/2003 | 16:35 |
| Jesus | Jesus | Jesus | 07/6/2003 | 16:34 |
| Peter | Interviewer: "Mr. Griffin, where do you see yourself in five years?" Peter: (thinking to himself) "Don't say doing your wife, don't say doing your wife..(Says out loud) "Doing your son" |
A Dead Lois | 07/6/2003 | 14:58 |
| Peter | "Does that feel good on your newly budded bosums?" | A Dead Lois | 07/6/2003 | 14:53 |
| Peter | Peter: if you guys were beers, I'd drink you all, and I wish you were, 'cause we're all out... | JoN | 07/6/2003 | 11:53 |
| Stewie | DAMN YOU VILE WOMAN | N/A | 07/5/2003 | 17:46 |
| TALKING CAR | IN SOVIET RUSSIA, CAR DRIVES YOU | STEVEN V | 07/5/2003 | 04:12 |
| Hitler | If you're going to be in ze Los Angeles area und would like tickets to Hitler call 213-DU WERDEST EINE KRANKENSCHWESTER BRAUCHEN! | James | 07/4/2003 | 16:26 |
| Luke Skywalker & Obi Wan | [Luke is about to give laser eye surgery to a woman. He is arguing with
Obi Wan] OBI: Use The Force Luke. LUKE: But I was just gonna... OBI: Use The Force LUKE: But I.... OBI: Just use The Force [Luke uses the force and puts his light sabre through the womans head.] LUKE: Are you happy now? OBI: I've never been happy. |
Parri | 07/4/2003 | 09:04 |
| jousting couch r lee ermey | the idea of a geocentric universe makes you sexual,ly excited doesnt it
you want to make 16th century mathematecian johanas kepler your bitch |
jacobo | 07/4/2003 | 08:45 |
| quagmire | hey baby you wanna get with me im with my husband loose the zero get with the hero (gets punched) little violent (punched again) ill be right over there | c to the urtis | 07/3/2003 | 23:51 |
| SpaZMonKeY | i are teh g0d | SpaZMonKeY | 07/3/2003 | 22:37 |
| Peter | Peter: well,until Gumble to Gumble is back on the air i am going on a
hunger strike! TV guy: well sir,i... Peter: you gonna eat that stapler? TV guy: Uh...sir,thats not edible... Peter: wanna split it? |
IDONTKNOW998 | 07/3/2003 | 17:47 |
| Peter and Cleavland Jr. | Peter: Is it alright if you called me Mr. Papadopolous? Cleavland Jr: Sure thing mister P! Peter: And...would ya hate me if I called you Webster? Cleavland Jr: That's a lie! |
Peter | 07/3/2003 | 16:12 |
| p | poo | p | 07/3/2003 | 16:10 |
| stewie | (while eating something that looks like fig nutons) stewie: O MY GOD there is a orgy in my mouth |
AYYY | 07/3/2003 | 14:12 |
| Peter | Salesman: Hold on there! You can have the boat, OR you can have the
mystery box! Lois: What, are you kidding, we'll take the bo.. Peter: No, wait a minute, Lois, a boat's a boat, but the mystery box could be anything! It could even be a boat! You know how much we've wanted one of those! Lois: Then let's just... Peter: We'll take the box (in car on the way home) Lois: (Mocking Peter) We'll take the box. You gave up a boat for free tickets to a crappy comedy club! Peter: Lois, relax! Jeez, you're acting like this is the first time I've ever done anything stupid! You remember that time we could have got that boat? (flashback) Peter: No, wait a minute, Lois, a boat's a boat, but the mystery box could be anything! It could even be a boat! You know how much we've wanted one of those! Lois: Then let's just... Peter: We'll take the box (back in car) Lois: Peter, that was ten minutes ago! |
Peter Obsessive | 07/3/2003 | 05:32 |
| Mostly Death | Lois: We're really gonna miss you death... Death: Oh don't worry... I'll be back... really really soon ::scared look:: Death: Is he kidding??? HAHAH |
KITTY!!!!!! | 07/2/2003 | 23:41 |
| Stewie | Oh how glorius!!! It's like someone stabbed Mr. Bubbles!! | Stewie001 | 07/2/2003 | 14:28 |
| Stewie | Ahh!! Damn it to the fouls souls of bloodey hell!!! | Stewie001 | 07/2/2003 | 14:27 |
| Stewie and Meg | Meg:(Talking to people sitting at a table)It's really hard raising a
baby thats addicted to crack. Isn't that right Stewie. Stewie: What's that? Oh yes, I love crack. I just can't get enough of it! Meg:(sighs)God bless! People at table then throw down a large tip for Meg. |
Stewie001 | 07/2/2003 | 14:27 |
| N/A | Host: If I were an ice cream cone, how would you eat me? Contestant 1: Id get a friend over and give you a double dip. Contestant 2: I would lick the fudge off real slow and then cover you with my special topping Peter: Well, I would eat you really fast before I go placid. |
YoShi | 07/2/2003 | 08:50 |
| N/A | Megan: Mom! Brian pee on a rug! Brian: No, I didn't. |
Stan | 07/2/2003 | 02:41 |
| Stewie | You know, my hooligan friend, I've been racking my brain in a thus far fruitless attempted to resolve our recent un-plesent-ness. Then it dawned on me, your cruelty merely stems from a deep-seeded inner pain. And so the obvious remedy is a health dose of… OUTER pain! | EricX182 | 07/1/2003 | 21:35 |
| Peter | "Morgan Freeman in Deep Impact... Show me Morgan Fairchild in Deep Something... heh..*elbows woman next to him* ehh? ehhh? Ahh...you don't care. | marvelous dickhead | 07/1/2003 | 19:50 |
| Peter&Lois | Peter: Oh My God, Is there nothing you people can't do?? I mean, ya..
yanno, other than manual labor... Lois: Peter! What a ridiculous thing to say, they built the pyramids. |
Ryan | 07/1/2003 | 14:16 |
| tom birgeron/terminally ill child | "whats lower then zero?" "my white cell count" |
lysol | 07/1/2003 | 13:39 |
| bloke from Scooby Doo | That's right Scooby, we're dealing with one sick son of a Bitch | Mr Penguin | 07/1/2003 | 11:27 |
| Tom and Dianne | Tom: I 'm the lord Jesus Christ! Think I'll get drunk and beat up some
midgets! What about you, Dianne? Dianne: I just plain dont like black people (laughs) Camera man: Err, we're still on in Boston |
Mr Penguin | 07/1/2003 | 11:25 |
| stewie | oh how positivly glorius. Its like someone stabbed mr bubbles. | lysol | 07/1/2003 | 10:46 |
| Brian | Peter, you're the Spalding Grey of crap | Iain | 07/1/2003 | 07:28 |
| Me | Moo....HAHAHA!!! | Wyn Bennett | 07/1/2003 | 04:13 |
| Mr. Tumnus and Peter | *Peter fell through the washing machine looking for his sock and landed
in the world of Narnia* Mr. Tumnus: I'm Mr. Tumnus! Welcome to Naaaarnia! *silence* Peter: Give me back my sock, you goat bastard. |
Cosmos | 06/30/2003 | 22:37 |
| Stewie | "You know, mother, life is like a box of chocolates. You never know what you're going to get. YOU'RE life, however, is like a box of.....ACTIVE GRENADES! Now, I give you one more chance for deliverance, return the mind control device immediately! Or be destroyed.... | Kyjuan | 06/30/2003 | 21:15 |
| Stewie | "Surfside Six....who lives there? Surfside Six....young bachelors....Miami Beach!" |
Kyjuan | 06/30/2003 | 21:11 |
| Peter talking to louis about school board | Peter : Hey louis whats the sign for Lois : Peter i already told u im running for school board president you never listen to me. Peter : hey cleveland, hey quagmire ... hey lois whats up with the sign |
Fuck u | 06/30/2003 | 16:46 |
| mafia character | mafia character: you come to me and ask me to kill a man i do not know.
now i ask you, why should i kill this "count chocula". captain crunch: because that son of abitch has been spreading lies! my cereal does not cut the roof of your mouth! with all respect. |
danny carey | 06/30/2003 | 15:55 |
| N/A | ~~~~~~~smoke a smoke not a butt, f*ck a virgin not a slut~~~~~ | S-gangsta | 06/30/2003 | 13:44 |
| louis | louis: a lot of the worlds problems are caused but self image (in a german gym) it shows hitler lifting little waight then he looks over and there is a really strong jewish guy with beutiful women around him |
michael | 06/30/2003 | 00:08 |
| Peter | Peter to the Don of the Mafia: "Do you want me to whack a guy? Off a guy? Whack off a guy cause you know I'm married." |
Ben Dover | 06/29/2003 | 22:11 |
| Peter | Birds in Peter’s beard. Chris: Dad, can I touch your beard? Peter: Have u done ure homework? Chris; Yeah Peter: OK |
Schmitler | 06/29/2003 | 09:34 |
| Peter | "God send me dancers" | Helen | 06/29/2003 | 08:07 |
| n/a | Meg: Mom there's fleas all over the house! Peter: There's only one thing to do! Learn the language of the fleas, earn their trust, then breed with their women, and in time our differences will be forgotten. |
Miggy | 06/29/2003 | 01:17 |
| Quagmire | ::Lois walks in:: Quagmire: oh, how expected |
Miggy | 06/29/2003 | 01:08 |
| N/A | Lois: Brian, you're home early. What happened with your date? Brian: Same thing that always happens. She was an idiot. |
Victor | 06/29/2003 | 01:03 |
| the pope episode | 59.TV Commercial} Doctor: Mrs. Lipstein I'm afraid I have some bad news, the tumor is malignant. I'm afraid you only have 6 months to live. Mrs. Lipstein: Oh My God! (pause) Narrator: Got Milk? 60. Peter : My dad worked at the mill for 60 years, thats almost 80 years. 61. Chris talking to his family : I didn't know there was a 5 AM church service, I didnt know there was a 5 AM,.........what else haven't you told me!!!!! 62.Peter : I just told him to buy me some peanuts and cracker jacks Brian : I don't care if he ever gets back,.......I wasnt kidding I really hope hes dead 63. Pope agent : hey on page 375 it says the word jebus.....its supposed to be jesus right 64. Peter : if there was some way I could show my dad that I am a good son......Hey I just got a crazy idea(puts his hand on burning waffle iron)OOOOOOwwww WHy Why Why? |
gkl | 06/28/2003 | 18:30 |
| da boom episode | chris:and we can build 2 dennys so we can always say lets not go to that
one, lets go to the good one 56.Chris - "guess who." Meg - "stop it chris". Chris - wrong hahaha o wait...did you say chris. 57. random guy: i have a canker sore on my lip and i keep poking it with my tounge, but thats just making it worse..... 58.brian - " it didn't just look like she hadnt eaten breakfeast at tiffany's, it didnt look like she had anything in a year......o im such a bitch." |
gkl | 06/28/2003 | 18:29 |
| ted turner | ted turner - ive done evry1 a great favor....ive colorized the moon | gkl | 06/28/2003 | 18:29 |
| peter | Peter - "Today my vision for everyone will come true, a chicken in every pot and a cap in every ass." | gkl | 06/28/2003 | 18:28 |
| peter | Louise - Peter cant you see, as long as death is here you cant die. Peter - go on.... Louise - thats it.... 37.Death - the consequences could be dire...... Peter - go on..... Death - thats it....what the hell do you see in him |
gkl | 06/28/2003 | 18:27 |
| chris and peter | Chris - Dad can I go with you and death Peter - ask your mother |
gkl | 06/28/2003 | 18:27 |
| peter and clerk | 33.Peter - I wont pay a cent over 60 dollars. Coffin clerk - that casket it worth $1000 peter - ok 70 clerk - what? peter - 2000 dollars clerk - that’s twice the original price peter - .....40 dollars Brian - im sorry he doesn’t know how to haggle |
gkl | 06/28/2003 | 18:26 |
| peter | Peter - I don’t know louis I’ve always been crappy at giving gifts flashback - Lois : o peter you shouldn't have....o, another sword....thank you Peter: well....go ahead! try it on. |
gkl | 06/28/2003 | 18:25 |
| peter and lois | Louis: kids quiet down, i havent even told your father about.....aunt
margeritte peter: who said margeritte lois :peter its only for a week peter: ahhhh no no no dam dam dammit to hell bitch dam...... lois: peter...... Peter: louis sometimes its right to swear flashback- court room person - do you swear to tell the truth the whole truth and nothing but the truth so help you God? Peter - I do.......ya bastard |
gkl | 06/28/2003 | 18:24 |
| brian and peter | .Peter - You got to help me Brian, teach me how to be a gentleman. Brian - well its not that hard Peter. Lets start with polite conversation, it’s a pleasure to see you again, lovely weather we are having, now you try Peter - It’s a pleasure to see you, after hogan's heroes Bob Crane got his skull crashed in by his roommate who was videotaping him having rough sex." Brain - wow ,perfect, my job is done, but just to make sure lets try it again. |
gkl | 06/28/2003 | 18:24 |
| stewie | stewie : o my God i can't believe Louis is going to die, there’s so many people to thank, God of corse and...o this was completely unexpected.....lets see here.....o yes , Satan. | gkl | 06/28/2003 | 18:21 |
| stewie | stewie : o my God i can't believe Louis is going to die, there’s so many people to thank, God of corse and...o this was completely unexpected.....lets see here.....o yes , Satan. | gkl | 06/28/2003 | 18:21 |
| Project Pat | i am one thug nigga | F.Y.C. (fuck yo crew) | 06/28/2003 | 00:00 |
| Peters Co-Worker | The new GI Jews are ready GI Jew Doll: You call this a bagel! |
Mike | 06/27/2003 | 18:10 |
| stewie | Stewie is trying to make a girl jealous by pretending another toddler is
his girlfriend. "Look at that ass. That is a tight ass." (spanks the other girl's ass.) "Damn...not even a second glance." |
gia | 06/27/2003 | 10:58 |
| Cool Hand Luke, Boss, Some other guy | Luke: Taking it off, Boss. Boss: Take it off, Luke. Other guy: Wiping in it off, Boss. Boss: Wipe it off, (Guy's name). Luke: Waving at the Pope, Boss. Boss: Wave at the Pope, Luke. (Popemobile drives by.) |
KG | 06/26/2003 | 23:57 |
| tom tucker | What's the president doing in this casket?we'll tell you after the break! | A DIRTY, DIRTY NIGGER | 06/26/2003 | 23:08 |
| peter & brian | Peter : Can I get 6,000 chicken fagitas? Brian: And A sosage mcbiscut? |
frankietwop | 06/26/2003 | 23:04 |
| Peter | Nice to see you. Lovely weather we're having. After Hogan's Heroes, Bob Crane had his skull crushed in by a friend who videotaped him having rough sex. | Drew | 06/26/2003 | 22:58 |
| stewie and brain.... | stewie:she can burn in hell...... brain:of course she can..... |
zimdarko | 06/26/2003 | 13:12 |
| the grinch | you think youve won and all is well but bet my green ass ill see you in
hell *throws rollar skate at stewies new neighbor paralizing him* |
lysol | 06/26/2003 | 08:55 |
| Alf | Alf: By the third season I was wasted all the time...I lost all control of my bodily functions, they had to cut the crap out of my fur before each taping... | Purdue Teke | 06/26/2003 | 01:38 |
| who cares | This is so stupid, its just stupid. I think all of you should shut up about family guy and get a fucking life losers. | this is stupid | 06/26/2003 | 00:34 |
| Me | man i love this show so much, whenever its on cartoon network and 11 30 PM i just cum my pants | B | 06/25/2003 | 23:14 |
| Daine and Tom | [TV reporters speaking after Peter resigns as school board president]
Diane Simmons: And so ends a dark and shameful chapter in the history of Quahog, RI. One which leaves this reporter asking 'How much moral bankrupcy and perversion must we the people endure?' Tom Tucker: Next up, stay tuned for our special investistigative report on the clitoris, "Nature's Rubik's Cube." |
Dan | 06/25/2003 | 07:21 |
| Stewie and peter | Peter: Stewie come here, we got something for you! Stewie: Oh really, i suppose it's a small box with a handle that when turned enough oh, a jack pops out! Stewie: Oh, a trikie!!!!Oh, oh dear i feel so good! (hops on tricycle and rides around) Stewie:(bounceing up an down rapidly)Give it to me, Give it to me now Dammit! |
N/A | 06/24/2003 | 23:15 |
| Chris | (Peter wal;ks up from the basemnet in a gas suit) Chris: OH MY GOD THE GOVERNMENT HERE...RUN E.T. RUN!!! (ET runs across the screen screaming) |
J-Dawg | 06/24/2003 | 22:21 |
| Stewie | Chris:Hey stewie, you want some ice cream? Stewie: Yes of Course! But no sprinkles. For every sprinkle I find, I Kill You! |
Dragon6 | 06/24/2003 | 18:25 |
| Stewie | I say, add a vanilla waffer and this pudding would be delightful but
without it, it's just another one of your culinary abortions! [Stewie throws bowl on the floor] NOW PICK IT UP!!! |
steph | 06/24/2003 | 10:53 |
| Brian | Brian: Wait! hold on, i need to get a chair. This is gonna be good. | heavy fucker | 06/24/2003 | 02:04 |
| Stewie | Well, I hope you have plenty of time to dwell upon that thought. FROZEN IN CARBONITE! | Dragon6 | 06/24/2003 | 02:00 |
| Stewie building weather machine to destroy broccoli | Finally the fat man has brought me something of use! To the roof! | Dragon6 | 06/24/2003 | 01:58 |
| Lois strapping Stewie in the car | Stewie: What the hell are you doing woman?! Lois: Im strapping you in honey, so you won't get hurt. Stewie: hmm, interesting theory, you may continue. |
Dragon6 | 06/24/2003 | 01:57 |
| Peter | Peter:If a tree falls in the woods and no one's around to hear it does
it make a sound? Tree: Hell ya, Carl still won't shut up about it! Carl: You'd think one of you would have the decency to help me back up, but NO! I'm still here damn you! |
Kara | 06/23/2003 | 23:50 |
| Me | I agree - stop bein douchebags this site is for family guy fans no-one cares about anything else you have to say | Peter Griffin | 06/23/2003 | 15:17 |
| i did goddammit!!! | would you dipshits fucking stop with all this stupid shit about who's hot and who you are! i don't care how small your dick is or about damn quotes from other shows! if you knew anything, you fucking morons would know there's a page for all that shit in this website! stick with the family guy quotes and quit being jackasses!!! | #1 family guy fan | 06/23/2003 | 01:06 |
| south park | shut your fucking face uncle fucker, your a boner biting bastard uncle fuck. | Harry P. Ness | 06/22/2003 | 23:03 |
| south park | shut your fucking face uncle fucker, your a boner biting bastard uncle fuck. | Harry P. Ness | 06/22/2003 | 23:03 |
| Peter and Chris talking about scouts | Chris: Dad, what would you say if I told you I wanted to quit scouts.
Peter: I'd say,"Come again" and then I'd laugh because I said "cum." |
Joby | 06/22/2003 | 22:59 |
| depressed sailor | ihave a 10 inch cock! | jim | 06/22/2003 | 21:11 |
| me | urine! | peter | 06/22/2003 | 18:42 |
| Stewie | Stewie: "Yes, yes... I rather LIKE this 'god' fellow... A plague here... A pestilence there... OMNIPOTENCE! I've got to get me some of that..." | Juan | 06/22/2003 | 17:47 |
| nick | Brit is hot | yo momma | 06/22/2003 | 15:08 |
| Nick | NICK IS A SEXY BITCH!!!!! | Superman | 06/22/2003 | 15:03 |
| N/A | Young Peter: Why did all of the dinosaurs die? Museum Guy: Because you touch yourself at night. |
Brent | 06/21/2003 | 20:01 |
| Louis | Louis: I havn't seen everyone this miserable since we were tortured! |
Nat lies all lies (NatE) | 06/21/2003 | 07:36 |
| Meg | Meg - "I'm going to go eat a big bowl of peanuts *Lois and Peter sit there* Meg - "I'm alergic to peanuts!" *Lois and Peter sit there* Meg - "You don't know anything about me!" *Meg runs up the stairs. Peter - "Who was that guy?" |
lvlisfit | 06/20/2003 | 23:02 |
| Kate Moss "A Picture is Worth a Thousand Bucks" | Chris: Are you the Matrix? Kate Moss:Are you an artist? I luv artists. Oops, crack in the floor! (Later in episode) Chris: Don't talk about my girlfriend, she may be in the room! |
Harrisonsgirl | 06/20/2003 | 21:30 |
| Peter | You know what I havent had for a while? Big Leauge Chew. | ty | 06/20/2003 | 16:22 |
| Chris | Theres an evil monkey living in my closet. | CephalicExodus | 06/20/2003 | 03:21 |
| Chris | What did you see?? Was it...breasts?! | BigMoe321 | 06/20/2003 | 01:45 |
| Peter | Damn mexicans and their glass candy | Adam Miller | 06/20/2003 | 01:27 |
| stewie | aahh lets see here, mountain dew, some purple stuff, aahh sunny d alright | joe & bo | 06/19/2003 | 23:20 |
| jaba the griffin | raja nabadua gola wookie nipple pinchie | jdogg | 06/19/2003 | 17:29 |
| Peter | Peter: Omg brian look theres a message in my alpa-bits, it says
oooooooooo. Brian: Those are Cherios. |
Adam | 06/19/2003 | 17:05 |
| Peter | Gays don't Vomit. They are very clean people. They have been ever sinse they came to this country from France. | Brey | 06/18/2003 | 21:41 |
| Zach | Family Guy Sucks | Zach | 06/18/2003 | 17:57 |
| N/A | Not a quote, but did anyone see the scene where the family went to the petting zoo and Peter crawled inside the Kangaroo's pouch? I laughed till i pissed. | pete | 06/18/2003 | 15:47 |
| Stewie | It's not that i want lois dead, exactly. It's just that I don't want her alive, anymore. And sometimes I think this of all women, and then I wonder, wouldn't it be marvelous if I were to grow up to be a homosexual?" | stoner | 06/18/2003 | 05:48 |
| peter and brian | (watching sesame street) PETER: hey... is The Count a vampire?" BRIAN: what? PETER: i mean hes got those fangs...did they ever show him doing somebody in and feedin on them? BRIAN: let me get this straight....you're asking if they've ever done an episode of sesame street in which The Count kills somebody....and then drinks their blood for sustanence.... PETER: yeah BRIAN: no, i dont think they've ever done that |
jenni | 06/18/2003 | 02:08 |
| peter and lois | PETER (to lois): since when have we ever had problems with
communication? (FLASHBACK to lois and peter wateing a sunset) LOIS: (sighs) oh peter! i love you PETER: yeah, about a quarter past five |
jenni | 06/18/2003 | 01:49 |
| the newsanchors | (when the cable got knocked out) TOM: "of course...nobody is watching so it really doesnt matter WHAT we say.... I am the Lord Jesus Christ! i think ill get drunk and beat up some midgets" DIANE: "and i just plain don't like black people" CAMERAMAN: "uh....we're still on in boston..." |
jenni | 06/18/2003 | 01:30 |
| peter | PETER: "hey, i got another riddle for ya.....so a woman has 2 children.
a homicidal maniac tells her she can only keep one of them...which one does
she let him kill?" BRIAN: "peter thats not a riddle ...... thats....... thats just terrible" PETER: "hahahaha WRONG! the ugly one." |
jenni | 06/18/2003 | 01:28 |
| peter | guys: "hop in peter! were goin on a beer run!" peter (with worried face): "guys....ive quit drinking.....i....i think i might be an alcoholic" guys: "what?" "huh?" "oh my god...." peter: "(dumb laugh) hahahaha im just kidding.....come on, lets drink until we cant feel feelings anymore" |
jenni | 06/18/2003 | 01:26 |
| Peter | "Since when is it OK to be handicapped?!" | Clark Himself | 06/18/2003 | 00:00 |
| Peter | "Hey Lois look it's the 2 symbols of the Republican party. An elephant and a fat white guy who is afraid to change." | TJ | 06/17/2003 | 23:24 |
| Me | I have the tiniest penis ever | Nathan Yo | 06/17/2003 | 19:29 |
| Stewie | Excellent! The Mind-Control device is nearing completion!..AUGH! Release me at once! | Nathan Yo | 06/17/2003 | 09:58 |
| Stewie | Damn you, damn the brocolli, and DAMN THE WRIGHT BROTHERS!!! | Nathan Yo | 06/17/2003 | 09:56 |
| me | poop | pee | 06/17/2003 | 01:43 |
| Stewie | Do these huggies make my ass look big? | dooby | 06/17/2003 | 00:45 |
| Stewie | Oh I feel so delightfully white trash! Mommy, I want a mullet! | erwer | 06/17/2003 | 00:45 |
| N/A | Highway guys: You may not pass until you answer the following question.
Name something you take on a picnic. Meg:A blanket! Brian:Potato Salad Chris: Ya ya Stewie:A Dead Lois? Peter: uh ok we'll take potato salad Highway Guy: Show me potato salad (Points to the sky) |
N/A | 06/16/2003 | 23:14 |
| Peter | (Peter is sitting watching Dennis Miller Live) Dennis: I don't want to go on a rant here, but America's foreign policy makes about as much sense as Beowulf having sex with Robert Fulton at the First Battle of Antita. I mean when a neo-conservative defenistrates its like Paskalnikoff philibusters dioximonohydroxinate. Peter: What the hell does rant mean?! |
Spudnick | 06/16/2003 | 23:09 |
| N/A | NRA Guy: Here in the NRA we believe that Gun's should be introduced into
your family as early as possible, because come on, eventually your kids are
going to get into your guns. Gun Puppet: Hi Timmy, I'm Petey the Pistol I make bad people go away. |
Spudnick | 06/16/2003 | 22:59 |
| ME | FUCK U ALLLLLLLLL THIS SHOW ROCKS | Me | 06/16/2003 | 17:01 |
| Peter | I like the cock |
Dick face | 06/16/2003 | 14:06 |
| N/A | Meg: Oh God kill me now (God has sniper aiming at meg with a red dot on her head) Telephone Rings in heaven |
B Ritter | 06/16/2003 | 01:30 |
| N/A | Brian: Yes Chris this is where babies come from Chris: (points at Lois) You said I came out of your vagina! |
B Ritter | 06/16/2003 | 01:08 |
| Peters great grandpa | Peter's Great grandpa and his scottish friends are inventing golf Peter's grandpa: Alright so it's settled then; no jews and no blacks. The other guys: OI! |
Ku§eJu | 06/15/2003 | 14:37 |
| Peter, Man In Chicken Costume | Man In Chicken Costume: The big one is coming! Planes will fall from the
sky, and missiles will go off by themselves! Peter: NOOO! (runs over to Trix rabbit, who's holding a box of Trix cereal) (takes the box) Damn long ears trying to steal Easter away from Jesus...I'm sorry, what were you saying? [I've added quite a few quotes, eh?] |
XxLimitedmoonxX | 06/15/2003 | 01:05 |
| Peter, Chris | Peter: We better get back home. The crew thinks we're taking Chris to
soccer practice. Chris: (in car with two puppets) We're gonna be late! WHY WON'T YOU TALK TO ME?! |
XxLimitedmoonxX | 06/15/2003 | 01:01 |
| Peter, Lois | Peter: Ooh, the lost-my-job smells great tonight Lois: What's that Peter? Are you okay? Peter: I'm great, I don't have a job in the world. Hey Meg, could you pass me the fired-my-ass-for-negligence?" ...or something of that sort. |
XxLimitedmoonxX | 06/15/2003 | 00:57 |
| Peter, Lois | Peter: Look at me, I'm Lois with my big pointy nose, nah nah nah-nah
nah! Lois: Oh boy, this is gonna be easier than going unopposed! Peter: Oh yeah? Well, I am gonna eat your nose! (chews the sandwich, shows Lois his chewed food, then closes his mouth) |
XxLimitedmoonxX | 06/15/2003 | 00:49 |
| Peter, Lois, Lee Majors | Lois: Chris, women are not things! Peter: (yelling) your mother's right Chris, listen to what it says! Lois: Peter! Peter: What, I didn't say that. Lee Majors did. (scene switches to Majors, nearby) Lee: What? Women are things... |
XxLimitedmoonxX | 06/15/2003 | 00:45 |
| n/a | (Puritan setting) Girl: x = -b +- square root b^2 - 4ac / 2a Teacher: That's absolutely correct! You know what that means...she must be a witch! |
The Incredible Hulk | 06/13/2003 | 02:27 |
| N/A | HELOO!!!!!!!! DO YOU LIKE THE FAMILY GUY??????? THEN READ THIS! Do you wish you could be a part of the making of something like the family guy? Then come to http://mikenomn.com/tncAbout.html . We are in the process of making an Internet cartoon which is (some say) as funny as The Family Guy. head on down to http://mikenomn.com/tncAbout.html and go to the forums. We already have the first script, but we could use your help! If you can write funny scripts, are a good voice actor, have experience with animation or just want to contribute them we want you! Any sence of humour is accepted. |
N/A | 06/12/2003 | 19:57 |
| Stewie | Mother, life is like a box of chocolates. You never know what you're going to get. Your life, on the other hand, is like this box of ACTIVE GRENADES!! |
Rachael | 06/12/2003 | 15:11 |
| stewie | stewie: oh, keep talking. all this talk about eye-gouging has gotten me
all frisky! no, really, i've got half a pack of rolaids in my daiper. |
danny carey | 06/12/2003 | 13:58 |
| stewie | peter: hey, stewie. you're mother and i have something for you. stewie: oh, i suppose it's another colorful box with a crank, which i'm expected to turm a turn until, oh, big surprise, a jack pops out. |
danny carey | 06/12/2003 | 13:55 |
| tom tucker & neal goldman | (neal walking toward tom tucker's dressing room) neal: try to make a move on my woman, huh? well i put something in your coffee i don't think you're gonna like! (walks into room) neal: here's your coffee mr. tucker. (takes drink, and quickly spits out) tom tucker: what the hell is this!?! neal: sweet & low! that's for trying to steal my woman! tom tucker: take it back and put urine in it like i asked! neal: yes sir... |
danny carey | 06/12/2003 | 13:39 |
| Peter | the tv show goe sback to the 60's when peter was a late teen, and he
fasrt and says "what the hell was that?" that was the first time that peter farted. |
Derek | 06/11/2003 | 20:32 |
| Brian to Peter | Brian: you have to tell lois you lost your job..sooner or later shes
gonna find out where you go all day (cuts to the living room-lois on couch and Peter standing in the corner with a lampshade on his head) |
Eric | 06/11/2003 | 20:05 |
| Li'l Cleveland | Li'l Cleveland: Do i have a cobweb in my hair.?. it feels like i gotta cobweb in my hair. | Eric | 06/11/2003 | 19:56 |
| Peter and Brian | Brian:(reading instructions)-insert rod A into slot B. Peter: thats what sh.. Brian: If you say "thats what she said" one more time i'm gonna pop you!! |
Eric | 06/11/2003 | 19:52 |
| peter & chris | peter: the library is where we can learn more about our Griffin
geneology. chris: what's a library, dad? peter: it's a place where homeless people come to shave and go b.m. chris: oh. |
danny carey | 06/11/2003 | 18:44 |
| News Anchor/ Ali Williams | News Anchor: And now to Ali Williams for the Black weather forecast,
ALI; Ali Williams: Izz gonn Rain News Anchor: Thank you Ali |
Ryan | 06/10/2003 | 22:55 |
| peter | peter: and then chris starts in with all this "yo, yo, yo!" crap, so i started beatin' him with a hose, but then my arm got tired, so i came here. | danny carey | 06/10/2003 | 22:21 |
| N/A | The family is watching E! True Hollywood Story on Alf... Alf: By the third season I was wasted all the time...I lost all control of my bodily functions, they had to cut the crap out of my fur before each taping... |
N/A | 06/10/2003 | 22:11 |
| Peter | Peter: "What's the worst that can happen in England?? Drive by arguments." | N/A | 06/10/2003 | 16:44 |
| N/A | (Peter and Chris are swimming at a Hotel Pool when Peter is approached
by the manager) Manager: "Excuse me sir, could you please remove your van from the diving board." Peter: "That's no a van, that's my son!" |
N/A | 06/10/2003 | 16:41 |
| Quagmire | alright | Mike | 06/10/2003 | 15:59 |
| stewie | this is my rifle and this is my gun, this is for fighting and this is for fun | mark | 06/10/2003 | 11:54 |
| people | Pope: You make the pop look like a fool! God, Smite them! (awkward silence) Pope: He's cooking something up... |
mabz | 06/10/2003 | 11:20 |
| Peter, Quagmire, Joe | Talking about what women they would choose to have sex with given the
oppurtunity... Peter: How about you Quagmire? Quagmire: Taylor Hansen Joe: Uhhh Taylor Hansen's a guy Quagmire: Hahaha, you guys are yanking me, trying to pull one over on ol' quagmire Peter: No, he's actually a guy Quagmire:...this is insane!...that's impossible, oh god, oh god, i got all these magazines, and oh god, oh god... |
Chris S. | 06/9/2003 | 21:41 |
| episode of goodtimes | maxine is the ladie whos feeling all right,thanks to the magic of kid
DYNOMITE! JR where have you been dinner was 3 hours ago oh forget him james,hes an idiot mama whats wrong with you? whats wrong with me?my name is florida!FLORIDA! thats the name of a state! why is my name florida!::CRYS:: oh lord! DYNOMITE! |
Kriptor | 06/9/2003 | 20:41 |
| Stewie and a girl | Girl: You are the weakest link. Goodbye! Stewie: Ahahaha. Oh God, that's funny. That's really funny. You write your own material? Do you? Because that is so fresh. 'You are the weakest link. Goodbye!' You know I've never heard anyone make that joke before. You're the first. I've never heard anyone reference that outside program before. Because that's what she says on the show, right? Hmmm? 'You are the weakest link. Goodbye!' And ye...ye..yet you've taken it and....and used it out of context to insult me in this everyday situation. What a clever, smart girl you must be. To come up with a joke like that all by yourself. Mmmmm...that's so fresh too. Any Titantic jokes you want to throw at me as long as we're hitting these phenomena at the height of their popularity. Mmmm? Cuz i'm here God you're so funny! |
PT® | 06/9/2003 | 18:45 |
| Tom Tucker/Black weather reporter | Tom: And now to the blackie weather report. Black weather reporter: ITS GON RAIN! |
Capo | 06/9/2003 | 17:27 |
| 50 CenTZ | g g g g g g g G UNIT | NIGGa | 06/9/2003 | 13:02 |
| peter & the devil | peter: i'd sell my soul to be faous (scene changes to hell) devil: i've got a live one! "peter griffin" devil @ computer: ooo! it says he already sold his soul in '75 for beegees tickets. and again in '81 for half a malamar! devil: damn! where's a lawer when i need one! (every devil character standing areound raises hand) |
danny carey | 06/9/2003 | 11:43 |
| peter & meg | meg: i hate my life! i'm going to go up stairs and eat a whole bowl of
peanuts! (silence from peter & lois) meg: i'm allergic to peanuts! (runs away crying) peter: who was that guy? |
danny carey | 06/9/2003 | 11:37 |
| Cleveland & Peter | Cleveland: Peter, not all Jewish people are good with money Peter: Well of course not the retarded ones, Jeez, why would you even say that? |
Justin | 06/9/2003 | 09:37 |
| Meg, Peter | Meg: Nice going, Mom. I finally get my driver's license and you lose the
car to a poker machine. How ironic. Peter: Hey--hey, don't talk about your mother that way. She is not an iron. |
myoddyknocky | 06/8/2003 | 21:52 |
| Me~~~~~~~~ | I AM THE TRUE LORD OF THE DANCE, NO-ONE WILL EVER TOP MY DANCING ABILITIES!!! I AM OMNIPOTENT AND IMPERVIOUS TO ANY OBSTICLE THAT MAY STAND IN MY WAY!!!! FEAR ME!! | me~~~~~~ | 06/8/2003 | 21:27 |
| lois | "Your so cute in a manly kind of way of corse" | *me* | 06/8/2003 | 21:03 |
| Kevin and Joe | (Kevin just finnishing having sex) Girl: oh,that was great Kevin:Im noy here to impress you,am i dad ?!? Joe: Did i say you could rest yet?!? |
Mycall | 06/8/2003 | 19:45 |
| peter | What are you selling,chicken or sex jelly | Mycall | 06/8/2003 | 19:40 |
| PETER | "Thanks for the card" | ~ME~ | 06/8/2003 | 17:34 |
| Peter | "Midget-men on the loose!!!! Louis..." (silence follows) | Bill | 06/8/2003 | 17:29 |
| peter | (protesters marching with "free tibet" signs. peter walks up.) peter: i'll take it! (runs to pay phone.) peter: hello, china? i have something you may want but its gonna cost you. that's right, all the tea! (dramatic music plays) |
danny carey | 06/8/2003 | 16:12 |
| stewie | stewie: but you promised the fat one would perish! | danny carey | 06/8/2003 | 16:05 |
| lois & peter | lois: this will give you time to bond with stewie. peter: bond? james bond! |
danny carey | 06/8/2003 | 16:00 |
| lois & stewie | lois: this one's from stewie. it says 'happy birthday, daddy, love
stewie.' stewie: what!?! did you forge my name? oh, and i suppose that backward 'e' is supposed to be cute. i'm going to crap double for you tonight! |
danny carey | 06/8/2003 | 15:59 |
| Diane Simmons and Tom Tucker | Young Tom Tucker: Get used to this sight, Diane--guys running away from
you. Young Diane Simmons: Tom, you're so deep in the closet, you're finding Christmas presents. |
myoddyknocky | 06/8/2003 | 13:35 |
| mayor west | Doctor: Mayor West, you have lymphoma...probably from rolling around in
that toxic waste! What in god's name were you trying to prove? Mayor: I was trying to gain superpowers. Doctor: Well, that's just silly! Mayor: Silly? Yes. Idiotic? Yes. |
myoddyknocky | 06/8/2003 | 13:32 |
| N'Sync | N'Sync guy#1: Hey, you wanna split a Toblerone? N'Sync#2: Oh gosh, yeah...I think I do. Whoo-whoooo! Next stop, my thighs!! |
myoddyknocky | 06/8/2003 | 13:27 |
| Lois, Peter, Stewie, Chris | Peter: Okay, now I know you guys might be a little concerned about me
not having bones and all, but I gotta tell you, it's not that bad. Chris: (rolls Peter over the newspaper) Dad's just like silly putty! Look what I can do to Mary Worth's smug sense of self-satisfaction! (stretches out an image of her face) Peter: Heheheh...that's right son, take her down a peg. Lois: Well, I guess we could all adjust to this... Stewie: (leaps onto Peter) Look, I'm making an angel! Peter: See Lois, everything's going to be fine! Stewie: Now smile while I write my name in you. |
myoddyknocky | 06/8/2003 | 13:20 |
| Lois and Stewie | Lois: Stewie, I told you not to eat dirt! It's disgusting! Stewie: Oh, and I suppose that those bilious curds you forcefed me from your teat were perfectly fine then?? |
myoddyknocky | 06/8/2003 | 13:02 |
| Stewie | Of course! It seems that with Death incapacitated, my matricidal efforts
are futile! I must do all I can to accelerate his convalescence... ...knick knack paddywhack, give the dog a bone! |
myoddyknocky | 06/8/2003 | 12:58 |
| Peter | Angry Guy: Hey! You just knocked out cable TV for the whole town! Peter: Oh boy...hey look, there's Bigfoot! Bigfoot: Woah woah, this isn't a bout me, this is about you. |
Steve | 06/8/2003 | 02:53 |
| Lois & Stewie | Lois: Oh look at Stewie, isn't he adorable playing with his Sesame
Street Phone? Stewie: Put me through to the Pentagon! Ernie: Do you know what sound a cow makes? Stewie: Don't toy with me Ernie, Ive already dispatched with Mr. Cooper, Ive got 6 armed men stationed outside Big Bird's nest, and as for Linda, well it's kind of hard for a deaf women to hear an assassian approach isn't it? Ernie: Can you count to three? Stewie: Oh indeed I can. *Shoots phone* One! *Shoots phone* Two! *Shoots phone* Three! Heh heh..can I count to three, for God's sakes I'm already shooting at a fifth grade level. |
Steve | 06/8/2003 | 02:51 |
| Brian | Hey, Peter, it's seven o'clock and you've still got your pants on. What's the occassion? | Steve | 06/8/2003 | 02:50 |
| Stewie | Woman: Ive got this terrible grease stain and Ive tried everything to
get it out. Lois: What about lemon juice? Woman: What about club soda? Stewie: What about shutting the hell up?!! |
Steve | 06/8/2003 | 02:42 |
| N/A | how about a little less talking and a little more shut the hell up | N/A | 06/8/2003 | 00:41 |
| Brian | Brian: Hola, uh...uh..me llamo es Brian...uh...uh...uh, let's see...
Nosotros es Ustedes Unitas-- Mexican farmworker: That was pretty good, but actually, when you said 'me llamo es Brian', you don't need the 'es' just 'me llamo Brian'. Brian: Oh, you speak English. Mexican farmworker: No, just that first speech and this one explaining it. Brian: You--you're kidding, right? Mexican farmworker: Que? |
myoddyknocky | 06/7/2003 | 23:26 |
| hotel manager, stewie | Hotel manager: Hotel manager! Open up, or I'll hit you with this blunt
instrument I use to hit deadbeats with bad credit cards. Well, it's not an
instrument--It's more of an object. But it's blunt--hard and blunt--and
well, it's kind of like a bat! I found it out back one day when I was
raking! Stewie: Let's go. |
myoddyknocky | 06/7/2003 | 23:15 |
| Brian and stewie | STEWIE: Here you have extra sensitive hearing, hear this, (mouths) F***
YOU. BRIAN: Im telling. STEWIE: No I-I said vacuum. |
Chuck | 06/7/2003 | 22:21 |
| Lois and Peter | Peter: Hey Lois, remember the third Hardy boy? Lois: There was no third Hardy boy. Peter: Just like there was no apocalypse? He shoots, he scores! |
myoddyknocky (correcting) | 06/7/2003 | 20:46 |
| Lois | (Lois grabs Peter's crotch at the tai jitsu championship) This is mine! This is where my babies come from!! |
myoddyknocky | 06/7/2003 | 20:07 |
| Lois, Peter, Instructor | Tai Jitsu instructor: What is it, Lois? Lois: I don't think I should do Tai Jitsu anymore. I'm afraid I'm gonna hurt someone. Instructor: But Lois, you're my star pupil! I want you in my advanced class! Lois: Advanced class? No, no, no, no, no! I'm trying to quit! Instructor: Well fine, quit, but get used to people walking all over you. Peter: Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, hold on there. No one walks all over my wife 'cause I won't let 'em! Lois: Peter-- Peter: Quiet Lois, men are talking. turns to instructor See, she learns things eventually, it just takes her longer. turns back to Lois C'mon honey, we're outta here. If you hurry, I'll let you try on hats. I won't let you buy, but you can try 'em on. they walk out Lois leans back into the tai jitsu room and addresses the instructor. Lois: I'll do it! |
myoddyknocky | 06/7/2003 | 20:05 |
| Meg, Chris, Stewie | Meg: Chris, quit it! Mom, Chris put his foot on my side again!! Chris: I can't help it, I have these long dancer's legs! Meg: Move it! Stewie: Meg, stop your whining. Chris, stay on your own side. Lois, for god's sake get off your ass and do some parenting! |
myoddyknocky | 06/7/2003 | 19:51 |
| Quagmire | Quagmire: Hey there, sweetie. How old are you? Connie Demiecko: Sixteen. Quagmire: Eighteen? You're first. Connie: Mooom!! Quagmire: I like where this is going. Giggity, giggity, gigg-i-ty. |
myoddyknocky (correction) | 06/7/2003 | 19:45 |
| Peter and Lois | Peter: All right, stand back, Lois. he pulls the blanket off of Chris, who's sleeping. Lois: Oh my! Well, no wonder he's always slouching. Peter: How the hell did this happen? I'm supposed to be the man of the house! You must be so ashamed of me. Lois: Oh Peter, I care as much about the size of your penis as you care about the size of my breasts. Peter: Oh my god!! (runs) |
myoddyknocky | 06/7/2003 | 19:33 |
| Peter and Lois | Peter: Hey Lois, remember the third Harvey boy? Lois: There was no third Harvey boy. Peter: Just like there was no apocalypse? He shoots, he scores! |
myoddyknocky | 06/7/2003 | 19:27 |
| peter & neptune | peter: oh yeah! well, i'm neptune, god of the sea! i conjure up storms
and sink ships! (neptune walks up) neptune:no you're not, i am! and you knw nothing of my work! peter:hehehe... |
danny carey | 06/7/2003 | 18:43 |
| Chris and Lois | When Chris and Meg are being homeschooled... (Chris passes a note to Meg) Lois: Is that a note? Chris: No Lois: Would you like to read it to the class? Chris: No Meg: Just read the note fatty! Chris: ...I think Mrs. Griffin's hot... Lois: (immediately) Go to your room Chris. |
Chris S. | 06/7/2003 | 17:25 |
| fry. lela | i am not hot! | n/a | 06/7/2003 | 13:49 |
| judge,peter,lois,chriss,brian and meg | judge: im sentingsing you to 24 months in proson peter: oh no lois: oh no brian: oh no chriss: oh no meg: oh no kool aid guy: OH YA!!!! |
MaRiO | 06/7/2003 | 13:48 |
| Lois and Peter | Petter Finds Out that Chris has a hugh penis. Lois And Peter Walk into chris room while chris is asleep. Peter Lifts the blanket and says "isnt it huge?" Lois-Yes but penis size doesnt matter.I care about as much about ur penis size as you care about the size of my breast. Peter Runs out of room crying. |
NoMotivation141 | 06/7/2003 | 13:46 |
| Peter | peter- Hey Lois remember the third Harley Brother Lois- There was not third Harley brother. Peter- Just like how there was no Apocylpse? He shoots he scores! |
Daniel | 06/7/2003 | 13:45 |
| Meg, Chris, and Stewie | A genie appears and offers Peter three wishes. Meg: I want a new hat! Chris: I want a new hat! Stewie: I want them to have new hats! |
myoddyknocky | 06/7/2003 | 12:04 |
| Peter | Interviewer: "So Peter where do you see yourself in 5 years?" Peter: (thinking) Dont say doing your wife, dont say doing your wife. "Doing your....Son" |
Zeke | 06/7/2003 | 04:26 |
| Stephen King | Stephen King: Okay, for my 307th book, this couple is attacked by
a...uh...a...a lamp monster !! He picks up a lamp from the desk in front of him and brandishes it. Ooo! Ooooooo! Publisher: You're not even trying any more, are you? Stephen King: jabbing lamp at publisher Gah! Gaaah!! Publisher: When can I have it? |
myoddyknocky | 06/7/2003 | 02:59 |
| Peter | Mr. Demiecko: So Lando, how old did you say you were again? Peter: 17. A-and a half. Connie comes down the stairs. Sweet statutory, you look beautiful! |
myoddyknocky | 06/7/2003 | 02:48 |
| Stewie | Go suck a railroad spike--I haven't got any money. | myoddyknocky | 06/7/2003 | 02:40 |
| none | Diane Sawyer: Welcome back to Diane . Erica, it's time for
Mario's little confession. Mario: Erica, you know I love you, but I gotta come clean. I'm not really a man. I'm a woman. pulls off mask to reveal that he is, indeed, a woman Erica: Oh mah gawd, you're a woman ? Mario: Well actually, I'm not really a woman.I'm a horse. pulls off mask to reveal that he is a horse Erica: Oh mah gawd, you're a hawse? Mario: Actually, I'm not really a horse. I'm a broom. pulls off mask to reveal that he is a broom, which falls out of his clothing and onto the floor Diane: Okay, okay, so how do you feel? Erica: To be honest with you, Diane, I'm surprised. |
myoddyknocky | 06/7/2003 | 01:54 |
| Stewie and Eliza | Eliza: Aw, lookat the li'l baybee! Stewie: Ugh, what the devil is that ghastly noise? Eliza: It's me, Eloiza Pinchley! Do you wanna flow'r, li'l baybee? Stewie: Excuse me, I think what you mean is "Would I like a flower". Heavens, you don't so much speak the language as chew on it and spit it out. Eliza: Gah, and wot's wrong with the way I tok? Stewie: Ugh, everything. Look, here's a shiny sixpence if you'll keep your mouth shut and go away. Eliza bends over to pick up the coin and Stewie glances briefly. Stewie: Eh. |
myoddyknocky | 06/7/2003 | 01:31 |
| Lois and Peter | Lois: Peter, we waited up all night! Where were you? Peter: (drunk) Where--where was I? Where...where were you ? Lois: Out drinking, but I was back by 2! |
myoddyknocky | 06/7/2003 | 01:18 |
| Peter and Lois | Lois: Oh, Peter, isn't she beautiful? Peter: Yeah, but I think she's with that guy. They've been holding hands all night. Lois: I mean Meg. Peter: Oh. Oh yeah, she's hot. |
myoddyknocky | 06/7/2003 | 01:11 |
| Meg and Tom Tucker | Meg: Mr. Tucker? Tom Tucker: I'm sorry, but there's a handsome man in my spoon. |
myoddyknocky | 06/7/2003 | 01:09 |
| Quagmire | Quagmire comes to the door of Connie Demiecko. Quagmire: Hey there Gorgeous--how old are you? Connie: 16. Quagmire: 18? Connie: Mom! Quagmire: I like where this is going! Giggity, giggity, gigg-i-ty. |
myoddyknocky | 06/7/2003 | 01:07 |
| Brian and Lois | Lois: I can't believe you squandered that money! I swear, sometimes I
feel like I'm married to a child! Peter: You better watch who you're calling a child, Lois. Because if I'm a child, you know what that makes you? A pedophile. And I'll be damned if I'm going to stand here and be lectured by a pervert. |
myoddyknocky | 06/7/2003 | 01:03 |
| none | (The Griffins are watching television--When You Wish Upon a Weinstein)
Voiceover: We now return to Girlfriends, on Lifetime. Woman #1: Barry was over last night and-- Woman #2: --don't tell me! Together: He left the toilet seat up! Woman #2: Oh, I ran into Frank--it's funny. He fought in Vietnam, he's an exorcist, but there is one thing that terrifies him-- Together: --commitment! Woman #1: Oh Midge, you're my third best friend in the whole world! Woman #2: Third? Who are the first two? Woman #1: Ben and Jerry! Voiceover: Lifetime-Television for Idiots. |
myoddyknocky | 06/7/2003 | 01:01 |
| Quagmire | Andy Capp and his wife begin fighting, whirling through the Drunken Clam
in a cloud of dust and punches. Quagmire gets sucked in momentarily and
thrown out. Andy Capp and his wife continue fighting. Quagmire: Whoa. Did I just get laid? |
myoddyknocky | 06/7/2003 | 00:52 |
| Lois | Gene Simmons: You look great, Lois--anyone nailing you now? Lois: Yes, my husband nails me. This is him--Peter. |
myoddyknocky | 06/7/2003 | 00:48 |
| Quagmire | You could whore yourself out to 1000 fat chicks for 50 bucks a piece. Or 50 really fat chicks for 1000 bucks a piece. Fat chicks need love too-- but they have to pay. | myoddyknocky | 06/7/2003 | 00:45 |
| Brian | German Tour Guide: You vill find more on Germany's contributions to ze
arts in ze pamphlets ve have provided. Brian: Yeah, about your pamphlet... uh, I'm not seeing anything about German history between 1939 and 1945. There's just a big gap. Tour guide: Everyone vas on vacation! On your left is Munich's first city hall, erected in 15- Brian: Wait, what are you talking about? Germany invaded Poland in 1939 and-- Tour guide: Ve vere invited! Punch vas served! Check vit Poland! Brian: You can't just ignore those years. Thomas Mann fled to America because of Nazism's stranglehold on Germany. Tour guide: Nope, nope. He left to manage a Dairy Queen. Brian: A Dairy Queen? That's preposterous! Tour guide: I vill hear no more insinuations about the German people! Nothing bad happened! Sie werden sich hinsetzen! Sie werden ruhig sein! Sie werden nicht beleidigen Deutschland! (throws his hand up in a Hitler salute) Brian:........uh, is that a beer hall? Tour guide: Oh yes, Munich is renowned for its historic beer halls. (Translation: You will sit down! You will shut up! You will not insult Germany!) |
myoddyknocky (editing) | 06/7/2003 | 00:43 |
| Peter and Lois | Woman #1: It's so hot! Woman #2: And it just got hotter! Here, now let me do you! Voiceover: Pawtucket Patriot--if you drink it, hot women will have sex in your backyard. Lois: Typical male fantasy--women drinking beer. I guarantee you a man made that commercial. Peter: Of course a man made it, Lois. It's a commercial, not a delicious Thanksgiving dinner. |
myoddyknocky | 06/7/2003 | 00:31 |
| Quagmire | I've never been with a Spanish chick before! Olé! (referring to Asian Reporter Tricia Takinawa.) | myoddyknocky | 06/7/2003 | 00:27 |
| peter | peter: barkeep! patro namo slapywag! that's petorean for "more beer you slappywag!" | dannycarey | 06/6/2003 | 20:06 |
| peter & brian | peter: okay, okay, here's another riddle. a woman has two children. now
a homocidal maniac tells her she can only keep one. which one does she let
him kill? brian: that's not a riddle. that's just terrible. peter: wrong! the ugly one! |
danny carey | 06/6/2003 | 20:03 |
| stewie | stewie: listen you! i will use these facilities when i'm damn well ready! until then, you shall continue to sanitize my crevass and be damn gratefull for the opportunity!! starting right...ughh...ughhhh....ughhhhh.... well not now, but soon!!! | danny carey | 06/6/2003 | 19:56 |
| stewie | stewie: how dare you sully my good name with your slanderous filth! | danny carey | 06/6/2003 | 19:51 |
| peter & lois | lois: peter, we have a serious problem we need to discuss. peter: oh, jeese, this isn't another one of those interventions, is it? (goes to flashback in kitchen with everyone standing around peter) lois: peter, you've been wearing that giant foam cowboy hat for eight months now. please, for your family, take it off! peter: hey, i can take this hat off any time i want! i just don't want to! (everyone moves in) peter: get away!!! |
danny carey | 06/6/2003 | 19:49 |
| stewie | stewie:there you are! what the hell is this!?! lois:sweetie, thats tuna salad. stewie:oh, is that what it is, really! I could have sworn it was maonaise and catfood!!! (throws sandwich at lois) here's 50 cents. do me a favor, sweetheart, the next time you're out shopping, why don't you splurge on a tin of solid white albacore! |
danny carey | 06/6/2003 | 19:44 |
| N/A | Meg and Chris are sitting by the fan. Suddenly the fan turns to Chris
and stays there. Meg: Mom! Chris is hogging the fan! Chris: Mom! Meg is hogging all the ugly! |
TiKo | 06/6/2003 | 19:41 |
| george jetson | (george walks into room in shreds) jane:oh my god! George! george:did you not hear me out there!?! elroy:dad! what happened? george:go to room elroy! eloy:but- george:go to your room!!! for 45 minutes i was out there screaming! i know that cause my damn watch is broken!! jane:i'm sorry... (in mocking voice)george:oh, i'm sorry! i'm sorry! jane is sorry! I COULD HAVE BEEN KILLED!!! |
dannycarey | 06/6/2003 | 19:39 |
| peter | peter: lois, i know you're a feminist, and i think that's adorable, but this is grown-up time, and i'm the man. | danny carey | 06/6/2003 | 19:24 |
| peter & man at hotel | (chris sitting on diving board. man walks up to peter) man: i'm sorry, sir, but you can't park your van on the diving board. peter: this isn't my van, it's my son! man: oh, i'm terribly sorry sir! Hey, Tom! It's not a van it's just a fat kid! peter: wait here, chris. (walks away. comes back and puts steering wheel lock on chris) |
dannycarey | 06/6/2003 | 15:01 |
| stewie | stewie: damn you icecream, come to my mouth. (baby in stroller walks by) stewie: what are you looking at you infintile stupid. that's right. damn you and such. you can go (yawn) burn in hell. (falls asleep and drops icecream) |
danny carey | 06/6/2003 | 14:50 |
| Peter | Peter:No,its step,hip,step,pivit!Are you trying to piss off the Volcano!? | Johnathan | 06/5/2003 | 21:32 |
| Quagmire and Lois | Quagmire: Lois, will you go out with me? Lois: Well... sure. It'd be safer to go out with you than some sex pervert. Quagmire: Alright I'm in!!! Giggidy giggidy giggidy giggidy giggidy giggidy giggidy giggidy!!!!! |
Ryan | 06/5/2003 | 14:45 |
| Brian as aseeing eye dog at movie theatre | Okay, they're- they're in the woods... The camera keeps on moving... Uh... I think they're- they're looking for some witch or something- I don't know, I wasn't listening. Nothing's happening... nothing's happening... Something about a map... Nothing's happening... It's over. A lot of people in the audience look pissed. | gurlie | 06/5/2003 | 10:53 |
| Stewie | Stewie: Ohhhh I smell a dirty diaper....Why does THAT turn me on?? | Drew | 06/5/2003 | 08:34 |
| Quag & Lois | Quagmire: Dont worry lois id do everything to you. Lois: What? Quagmire: Id do anything for you |
Silver | 06/5/2003 | 01:57 |
| Peter | *swims up behind woman and takes off her top* hehehehe! Im also addicted to boobies! |
Silver | 06/5/2003 | 01:55 |
| (Peter's Boat's Name) | S.S. More Powerful than Superman, Batman, Spiderman and the Incredible Hulk Put Together. | bumgravy | 06/4/2003 | 18:55 |
| Stewie | Who the hell do you think you are? | Chris | 06/4/2003 | 16:57 |
| Quagmire | [after seeing girl all tied up in a bathroom stall] Dear diary, ...JACKPOT! |
gurlie | 06/4/2003 | 15:57 |
| Peter&Stuie | Peter: What do you call a woman who takes forever to cook? You call her
Lois. Stuie:Well, the fat man made a funny! Yes, I rather liked that. If you cooked any slow, you wouldn't be cooking very fast at all!No wait If you cooked any slower, you wouldn't need an egg timer, you would need an egg calendar! Yes thats the stuff! |
Anonymous | 06/2/2003 | 19:00 |
| Peter | Hey Lois! How many losers does it take to make me breakfast? 1! You | rybill | 06/2/2003 | 15:37 |
| N/A | Joe: Hey Quagmire, you up for some camping? Quagmire: Sorry guys, but there's only one tent I'm pitching this weekend-Well, you see where I'm going with this (long pause) Ohh!! |
Jim Small | 06/2/2003 | 14:23 |
| Quagmire | Lois-can you watch teh kids while were out of town Quagmire-well according to megan's law i'm obligated to inform you that...ya ya know what, ill take the kids Peter-ahh thanks buddy |
Eric | 06/2/2003 | 10:40 |
| Peter | Lois, it was paid in dimes and nipples... nickels and boobs... money. (runs away) | Riel | 06/1/2003 | 23:17 |
| Peter | peter: i do plenty for the community, remember when i sung for the
children down at the church Brian: ya, and you couldnt remember any of the words (peter singing to children) peter: Jesus loves me, he loves me a bunch, because he always puts skippy in my lunch. |
mike b | 06/1/2003 | 18:42 |
| peter/lois | peter: your not perfect yourself. last saturday you were pretty bad in
bed (peter having sex)come on lois it is as if your a pillow lois:peter i was at my mothers house last saturday |
Lobster | 06/1/2003 | 02:04 |
| stewie | i didn't know biscuit as a dog...but i knew her as a table. she was a good coffee table, sturdy, all four legs the same length. | Lobster | 06/1/2003 | 02:00 |
| brian | thats not a joke peter...that's just horrible | Lobster | 06/1/2003 | 01:58 |
| adam west | i love this job more than i love taffy...and i'm a man who loves his taffy | Lobster | 06/1/2003 | 01:55 |
| Ad ult Teacher talking to Peters class | (teaching french class) Teacher:In French when you want to say yes you say,"Wewe". Peter:You gotta be kidding me!Oh My GoD,that is hestarical HA Ha,oh man what do you say for no,"DoDo"Ha Ha Ha! Hey Ill be right back I gotta take a wicked YES!(leaves room) |
Johnathan | 06/1/2003 | 01:48 |
| Peter | Peter: i was never good at difficult descicions. (flash Back in a movie store) Peter looking at 2 movies One says Ernest goes to the beach The other Ernest doesnt go to the beach PA: The store will be closing in 5 minutes Peter starts to wail and moan |
50 Cent | 05/31/2003 | 23:39 |
| Peter | Peter: Why do you think jesus was so popular, huh?.. cause of all those magic tricks? | Eric | 05/31/2003 | 22:09 |
| Brian | Lois: Brian, you sure have been enjoying your wine lately.. Brian: It's only my second glass.. (starts drinking from a big gulp) |
N/A | 05/31/2003 | 22:05 |
| Stewie | (Stewie inside a shrunken ship inside peters body) Computer Voice: heart rate increasing. Stewie: oh no, either hes watching batman, or doing the do!!.. (cuts back to peter lying on the couch watching batman) |
Eric | 05/31/2003 | 21:59 |
| Stewie | (Stewie trying to sleep between peter and lois-peter is snoring heavily)
Stewie(shoving peter): roll over!!! roll over i say!!! (Peter rolls on top of Stewie) Stewie: AAAAHHH..AAHH...smells like cheese... |
Eric | 05/31/2003 | 21:55 |
| N/A | *Peter imagines the British taking over American action films* Arnold Schwarzenegger and Sylverster Stallone in "I Remember Cecil" *Arnold and Sly are in a rowboat in the middle of a beautiful lake* Arnold (voiceover): It vas a glorious summer at Oggsford ven I met Freddy Cavendish, a most remarkable young man who would change my life for eva. Stallone: You are the anchor that gives my spirit licesnse to soar. |
Slashco | 05/30/2003 | 23:37 |
| Quagmire | (Quagmire gets involved in a raucuss between a British man and his wife,
one of those moving balls and sound effects of people fighting, u know what
i mean) Quagmire: Whoa....did I just have sex??? |
Jonny G | 05/30/2003 | 22:12 |
| Lois | Lois: I care about the size of your penis like you care about the size
of my breats. Peter: OOOOH MY GOD! (runs away with face in hands) |
Jonny G | 05/30/2003 | 22:09 |
| Peter | Peter: First I tried drawing. "Am I, am I suppose to draw the penis?" Then I tried sculpting. "Am I, am I suppose to sculpt the penis?" Then I tried conducting. "Am I, am I suppose to conduct with my penis?" After that I didn't think I had any talent, but then I thought. Lois, my penis belongs on stage. |
Jonathon | 05/30/2003 | 20:17 |
| Peter | Me, a director? I don't know what to say except for... I'm the king of the wo(falls off the stage in typical Peter form) | Riel | 05/21/2003 | 00:04 |
| Peter | Ah, my first bike, I had so much fun playing with it...(flashback) More tea, Mr. Bike? | Riel | 05/21/2003 | 00:01 |
| Quagmire | (Door bell rings) random girl:Hello? Quagmire:how old are you? random girl:16 Quagmire:What 18? ok your first. random girl:MOM! Quagmire:your mom too? GIGIDY GIGIDY GI GI DY! |
Mike | 05/20/2003 | 21:50 |
| Stewie | Stewie: All this time spent keeping people from having sex. Now i know how the Catholic church feels. Baaaazziiinnningggg!!! | Rico | 05/20/2003 | 18:31 |
| N/A | Judge: The Jury finds Peter Griffin guilty and to be sentenced to death.
Peter: Oh no! Lois: Oh no! Chris: Oh no! Meg: Oh no! [as he breaks through the courthouse walls] Coolaide Man: Oh yeah! [awkward pause as Coolaide Man walks out] |
kenadams | 05/20/2003 | 18:02 |
| JOE | BRING IT ON!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! | Stifler | 05/20/2003 | 17:05 |
| Stewie | I GOT BLISTERS ON MY FINGERS!!!! | Rodrigo | 05/20/2003 | 13:16 |
| Stewie | (On TV) Tricia Takanawa: Now that you escape from prision, what are you going to do? Shoplifter: First I'm gonna bang my girlfriend and then I WILL KILL CHRIS GRIFFIN!! Stewie: OH MY GOD!!, can they say "bang" on TV? |
Rodrigo | 05/20/2003 | 13:14 |
| student asking teacher | Youngh student-Why did the dinsaurs go extinct? Teacher- because you touch yourself at night |
bob ryan | 05/19/2003 | 13:39 |
| Stewie | Stewie to broccoli: Mother says you're good for me.. but im no good for you! |
oa | 05/18/2003 | 12:56 |
| stewie | stewie:do you have an e-mail address , mine is loismustdie all in one word @ yahoo.com | corey tegeler | 05/18/2003 | 08:32 |
| peter , lois , guy , timmy | peter ; i cancelled stewies party at chessy charlies lois ; peter it took me 3 weeks to get resevastions , i hope you had a goodreason peter i did. do you know what horrible stuff goes on there timmy; i have 13 tickets now is that enough guy ; imsorry timmy you need 15 tickets to live |
alex larios | 05/17/2003 | 16:29 |
| chris and stewie | chris; do you want ice cream little dude stewie ; yes , but no sprinkles . for every sprinkle i find , i shall kill you |
alex larios | 05/17/2003 | 16:16 |
| Peter | Everything ive said in my life is a lie...except that....and that...and that...and that....and that...and that....and that....and that....and that....and that....and that....and that....and that.... | UkRaInIaN StAlLiOn | 05/17/2003 | 15:24 |
| Stewie | Do you people speak every language in this house except english? Yo quiero pancakes. Mai Hoon Pancakes. Click Click bloody click pancakes! |
Nalini | 05/17/2003 | 02:42 |
| Stewie | Yes I rather like "snake" Snake Griffin | N/A | 05/16/2003 | 21:01 |
| Stewie | For the next five hours, your my bitch | Sarah | 05/16/2003 | 21:00 |
| Peter | "Well if Joe's so remarkable, can he do this? Oh look at me, I'm walking, I'm a remarkable man" | N/A | 05/16/2003 | 18:57 |
| Brian | Brian: Hi I'm Brian,. I was born here. Guy: Sorry little fella, lots of puppies have been born here. Refresh my memory, which one were you? Brian: I was the one who could talk. Guy: BRIAN!! COME IN! |
Anthony | 05/16/2003 | 16:58 |
| Stewie | Stewie:-"What do you want?" Cult Leader:- "I just want to get the hell out of here!" Stewie:- "Oh i'm sorry we're fresh out of that, I'm afraid all we have left is... untimely death!" |
Carrig | 05/16/2003 | 16:36 |
| Peter | You know what I haven't had in a while? Big League Chew. | Shamus | 05/16/2003 | 04:38 |
| N/A | Peter: Good thing I bought that cloud insurance (Two clouds in sky) Cloud 1: So Bill, we attack tomorrow Cloud 2: Yes, tomorrow... Cloud 2: I mean it this time Cloud 2: I do too |
Perri | 05/15/2003 | 20:15 |
| Brian | Hey! Whose leg do I have to hump to get a dry martini around here?! | Saint | 05/15/2003 | 16:31 |
| Stewie | It seems with death incapactitated, my matricidal efforts are useless. I
must do all i can to accelerate his horrible eccense. [walks out] [walks back] Nick Nack Patty Wack give a dog a bone. |
Flamez | 05/14/2003 | 22:40 |
| Brian and Lois | (Brian and Peter have been drinking all night, Lois walks in) LOIS: Peter, It's 7 AM!!! BRIAN: Thanks for the update BIG BEN! |
kay | 05/14/2003 | 20:36 |
| Hitler, Christian Slater, Death | Death: Imagine a world where Hitler was still alive... (cuts to Hitler talkshow theme) Hitler: Tonight on Hitler, we have Hollywood hunk, Christian Slater! (cuts to Hitler talkshow) Hitler: Ok, so in your new movie, we get to see your butt? Christian Slater: Heh, yeah, you sure do. Hitler: Could we see it now? Christian Slater: Sure thing Hitler. Hitler: Oh, he's going to do it, he's going to do it!!! (cuts to end of Hitler show) Hitler: If you are going to be in the Los Angelos area and would like tickets to Hitler, call 213-DU WERDEST EINE KRANKENSCHWESTER BRAUCHEN!!! |
Ryan | 05/14/2003 | 17:33 |
| Brian, Peter | Brian: Peter, I'm in love with this girl... (awkward pause) Peter: Oh my God! You can talk!!! |
Ryan | 05/14/2003 | 17:20 |
| Peter | It's going to take a portion of my cunning...no ALL my cunning. | Nata lies all lies | 05/14/2003 | 16:02 |
| Peter...well duh | Lois thank god it's you...the last three houses were very rude. | Nata lies all lies | 05/14/2003 | 16:01 |
| talk show guest | I'm not a woman, I'm a man! I'm not a man, I'm a horse! I'm not a horse, I'm a Broom! | Pixie | 05/14/2003 | 15:11 |
| Stewie | Stewie (to a guy at the airport): I'LL GIVE YOU ANYTHING! MONEY! WOMEN! MEN??? | Sara | 05/13/2003 | 23:53 |
| peter | Hey, is your refrigerator running? Because if it is, it probably runs just like you....very homosexually |
youshotme | 05/13/2003 | 23:51 |
| Peter | ok, ok...how is this, I am Charlie and you are all my angels...except you...you can be Bosley | Frankie C | 05/13/2003 | 19:55 |
| Quagmire | In the 80s I was in Bed by 8:00,....and home by 11:00..Alllllrriiiight.. | Frankie C | 05/13/2003 | 19:53 |
| Quagmire | Quagmire to two lesbians: You ladies ever been penetrated. | Blais | 05/13/2003 | 19:23 |
| Peter | Peter: TO OUR WIVES! They may not be as sexy as the wives on TV... Or as entertaining... but um...... Ya know I don't know where I'm goin with this one but thanks! | Anthony | 05/13/2003 | 16:02 |
| Stewie | Just FYI- When Stewie saw the two shining girls in the hallway, he was at Lois' dead aunt's summer home, not Lois' mother's house. | Tiffany | 05/13/2003 | 14:13 |
| Chris and Peter | Chris: Dad, i heard tanning booths give you somethin called...m.m.mellanoma.
Peter: Oh thats just fancy talk for sssssexified |
Tara | 05/13/2003 | 13:16 |
| Peter | Wow! It's like I've died and gone to heaven..then they realised it wasn't my time and sent me to a brewery. | Nata Lie's all lies!!!! | 05/13/2003 | 12:23 |
| Brian | I leave coils on the lawn with more personailty than you | Tara | 05/13/2003 | 10:23 |
| Whole family | (The family gets letters from Peter) Meg: Mine says "For the first 3 years i thought you were a house cat." Stewie: Mine says "Get out" Oh thanks. Lois: Someones just spat on mine. Peter: P.S. Wait.....Wait.....(Yoik....Yoik) (Whole family starts fighting) |
N/A | 05/13/2003 | 04:47 |
| Stewie | She needs to get laid.....big time. | N/A | 05/13/2003 | 04:42 |
| Doc | Doc:Mr. Griffin I'm trying to tell you your fine. Peter: Oh now you're coming on to me? Lois: He's not coming on to your peter, he is trying to tell you you're healthy Doc:..........Can't it be both? |
Trueblue3622 | 05/12/2003 | 21:53 |
| Quagmire | Social Worker: Hello, can you tell me something about your neighbors the
Griffins? Quagmire:The Giffins? A bunch of card carrying commies if you ask me! Aaaaaaalright!..........No! no its not alright!! |
Trueblue3622 | 05/12/2003 | 21:52 |
| Peter | (In quivering voice) She was the man Brian.....She was the man |
Kyle Pezzolla | 05/12/2003 | 21:06 |
| Death | (car rocking by a lake) Death: ohhhh sandy sandy (car stops rocking) Death: sandy?? Ahh man im going to be a virgin for ever....... or am I. (car slowly rocks) |
Richy_de_man | 05/12/2003 | 20:45 |
| Kids in cult talking about Meg | Guy 1: Hey, do you think that girl's hot? Guy 2: No. 1: Me either! *they do a quick high five* |
Reemus | 05/12/2003 | 19:32 |
| Peter Griffin | Is that really the blood of christ? Damn, that guy must've been wasted 24/7 | DAK | 05/12/2003 | 12:56 |
| Peter | Peter: Lois, you know I swore I'd never clean again. Not after Bounty
dropped me as their spokesman... [commercial] Peter: Wait a second, Rosie, I've just poured this glass of warm yellow liquid on to the counter and you're telling me that Bounty can pick it up in 5 seconds? Rosie: What is this...? Peter: 4 seconds Rosie: Is that... Peter: 3 seconds Rosie: It smells like... Peter: Clean my pee! |
Mr. P | 05/12/2003 | 09:43 |
| Lois | It's like I always tell the kids, "A quitter never wins" and "don't trust whitey." | Foolio | 05/12/2003 | 09:38 |
| Stewie | Oh c'mon now I barely touched you! Really, stop it! Stop your boo-hooing! Stop it, I say! Stop it! You see, this is exactly why people don't respect the WNBA. | Foolio | 05/12/2003 | 09:36 |
| Lois and Stewie | Lois: Ohh look at Stewie, isn't he adorable playing with his Sesame
Street phone? Stewie: PUT ME THROUGH TO THE PENTAGON! Ernie: Do you know what sound a cow makes? Stweiw: DON'T TOY WITH ME ERNIE!! I've already dispatched with Mr.Hooper, I've got six armed men stationed oustide Big Bird's nest... and as for Linda... well.. it's rather difficult for a deaf woman to hear an assassin approach, now isn't it? |
Alexander Wolfe | 05/12/2003 | 01:45 |
| N/A | At Peter's version of Cheesy Charlie's Worker: our selection of ice cream is vanilla, strawberry, chocolate, and people Peter: What was the last one? Worker: Chocolate. |
SiGG | 05/11/2003 | 19:18 |
| Peter | Peter's talking to Meg on the porch when Hanson walks up Hanson Guys:Umm hi, can we use your phone to call a tow-truck? Meg: oh my god oh my god oh my... Peter:HOly CRAP it's the children of the corn (Then peters shoots them all) |
Spudnick | 05/10/2003 | 23:27 |
| People | Bishop 1: Hey...did you know it says Jebus on page 347? Bishop 2: It's supposed to say Jesus...right? |
People | 05/10/2003 | 22:12 |
| Peter | You know some...some people think that dandelions are weeds...but...uh...you know, I always think who the...who the hell decided tulips are so great? | Fool | 05/10/2003 | 22:10 |
| peter | in the drunken clam talking to clevlend "so chris starts talking with all this yo yo yo stuff, so i beat him with a hose then my arm got tired so i came here..." |
family guy lover | 05/10/2003 | 13:44 |
| TV |
Marsha: Dad, I found cigarettes in Greg's jacket. Dad: Greg, are those yours? Greg: No, Dad. Dad: Well obviously he's lying. I'm afraid you're punishment is three hours in the pit of snakes. Maybe that will teach you a lesson. Marsha: ha ha Dad: And you Marsha, we don't like tattletales. So I'm afraid you'll have to go into the chamber of fire for one day. |
Poulio | 05/9/2003 | 21:12 |
| N/A | Chris and Peter are at the aquarium... Chris: Dad, what's the blowhole for? Peter: I'll tell you what it's not for, son, and then you'll understand why I can never go back to Sea World. |
Lionel, Lonnie, Leo | 05/9/2003 | 16:11 |
| Peter (flashback) | (at a museum) young Peter: "Why did the dinosaurs die out?" teacher:"Because you touch yourself at night" |
superfool | 05/8/2003 | 22:56 |
| Peter | "I'm going to treat you to the most expensive dinner ever!" - outside of a fast food drive through - "Can i get 600...chicken fajitas" - says it fagita - |
Flynn | 05/8/2003 | 22:40 |
| N/A | Chris : I think I saw one of her nipples! Lois : Chris! That's a terrible word. . .'nipple.' I'll chalk that up to the heat, mister! |
N/A | 05/8/2003 | 22:30 |
| Peter to | Hey Lois, today in class I farted really loud, you know, to make all the guys laugh...And I swera to god it was so heinous, Suzy Johnson ralphed up her salisbury steak. | Liver Lips | 05/8/2003 | 21:42 |
| Cleveland | Oh dang, now I hate windmills EVEN MORE! | Willie h | 05/8/2003 | 21:12 |
| Cleveland Jr. | I'm Tiger Woods, I'm Tiger Woods!! | Eric | 05/8/2003 | 12:21 |
| Stewie | "Thank you that was... me farting... by Chopin" | BlackCatEnvy | 05/7/2003 | 13:54 |
| Peter | "Holy Crip! He's a Crapple!" | BlackCatEnvy | 05/7/2003 | 13:53 |
| Stewie | Damn you vile woman, you have impeded my work ever since I left your wretched womb! |
Colin | 05/7/2003 | 03:11 |
| Peter | Peter crawls through the dryer and sees a goatman/satyr "Gimme back my sock ya goat bastard!" | BlackCatEnvy | 05/7/2003 | 01:27 |
| Peter | Peter: Gays don't vomit, they're a very clean people. They have been ever since they came here from France. | PHillyBlunts | 05/7/2003 | 00:00 |
| Broan/Stewie | brian: Is there any way that I can repay you? Stewie: You know that episode of the Brady Bunch when Bobby saves Greg's life, and Greg agrees to be Bobby's slave? Brian: Yeah... Stewie: well its on today at three and i want you to tape it for me. and put a good label on it. |
Matt the pussy eater | 05/6/2003 | 13:42 |
| peter | duty...hahhaa...diarrhea | dan | 05/5/2003 | 22:20 |
| peter | peter: Math my dear boy is nothing more then the lesbian sister of biology | gb | 05/5/2003 | 22:17 |
| N/A | Lois: Can you at least take chris to his game? Peter: Aww geez honey i just spent all morning on a boat drinking beers telling jokes and screwing around with my friends. How about a little me-time? |
grant b | 05/5/2003 | 22:09 |
| stewey | (steweys back cracks) ah my back is still hurting from last weeks game of hoops.(goes to stewey playing basektball) Stewey:i know you aint gunna put that rock up from here you aint got no J (trips black guy) Player:man thats trippin Stewet: Brother pleease your the one whose trippin Player: Dont make me shove my size 13's up your narrow ass Stewey: Oh you bring it on bitch. Yea thats right go home to ya momma she waitin for ya pff dont bring that trash in here..(beats his chest) This is my house! |
Ben | 05/5/2003 | 16:57 |
| chris | chris and meg sitting in front of a fan when the a/c broke: Meg: Mom! Chris is hogging all the fan!!!! Chris: MOM!!! MEG'S HOGGING ALL THE UGLY!! |
05/5/2003 | 07:06 | |
| Stewie | Damn you icecream, come to my mouth, how dare you disobey me! What are you looking at you infantile stupid, thats right, damn you and such | hannya B. | 05/4/2003 | 21:41 |
| Quagmire | "Here's to the drunken clam (a bar), where they don't ask for proof of age and neither do I" | www.nukesociety.com | 05/4/2003 | 19:43 |
| N/A | (At a basketball game) Peter: That my son. I taught him how to wipe. Tom Tucker's son: Why won't you teach me how to wipe Dad? Tom Tucker: Cause you don't have a bottom son Tom Tucker's son: Ah Dang! |
James | 05/3/2003 | 23:35 |
| N/A | (Two baseball players at Peter's company picnic) Baseball Player 1: Hey want some gum? Baseball Player 2: Sure (takes gum and puts it in his mouth) BP1: HAHAHA that was trick gum!! now you're addicted to heroin!! hahah!!! BP2: (starts shivering and acting weird) brrr I'm cold... |
Bambi | 05/3/2003 | 20:43 |
| Peter | Peter: Dad, I'm gunna eat meat on Fridays, Golf on Sundays, AND YES,
HAVE SEX WITH MY PROTESTANT WIFE!! :: Peter talks to the Pope :: Peter: But I won't enjoy it..... oh and she hates it! |
Anthony Ferrentino | 05/3/2003 | 18:06 |
| Stewie | eviscerate the proletariat | q® | 05/2/2003 | 17:38 |
| laid | we are sorry chris we didnt know you took this so seriously | back | 05/2/2003 | 07:38 |
| Peter | Peter: Whoa, lady! Is this the price of my bill or my phone number? Receptionist: Umm...that's your phone number. Peter: oh...heh heh heh...well it's still too high. |
Foolio | 05/1/2003 | 19:59 |
| Stewie | Go Lois, pummel him with your powerful fist of female fury… And then when he’s weary emasculate him with your incessant nagging. Ah, you know, Yak-it-dy, yak-it-dy, yak, yak, yak……Women, You know…..Enjoy the fight! | Scordo | 05/1/2003 | 12:22 |
| Peter | I can't kill them they're all I watch on wednsdays......[eyes turn to camera] ...except for the fine programs on fox..... | Jamie | 05/1/2003 | 10:50 |
| Cleveland/Peter | Cleveland(talking about chris):why dont u just suck the fat out of him?
Peter:hey if you can find one hole on the kid that you wanna put your lips on, be my guest! |
PhillyBlunts | 05/1/2003 | 01:32 |
| N/A | Lois: Sweetie, it's brocolli. It's good for you. Now open up for the
airplane! [Makes plane noises] Stewie: Never! Damn the brocolli, damn you and damn the Wright Brothers!!! Lois: My, aren't WE fussy tonight?ok, no brocolli. [stufffs it in his mouth] Stewie: Who the hell do you think you are? Lois: Honey it's not going to go away cause you don't like it. Stewie: Well then my goal becomes clear. The broocolli must die!! |
Peter | 04/30/2003 | 20:23 |
| N/A | Woman: I like jokes. - Alright then you'll love this one: Why do women have boobs? ... So you have something to look at when you're talkin' to 'em. Hahahahahaha. So you got something to look at when you're talkin' to 'em. Hahahahaha |
VLADMIRE | 04/30/2003 | 19:44 |
| Peter, Director | ::Peter at a commercial filming::in a coco puff mascot suit Peter - im caca for coocoo puffs! Director: Cut! take 26. |
Markalaichuk | 04/30/2003 | 18:39 |
| Peter | Jets Suck, Yankees Suck, Knicks Suck | BOG | 04/30/2003 | 18:14 |
| N/A | Quagmayer: Tuesdays in the 80's, i was always in bed by 8. And home by 11, alright. | N/A | 04/30/2003 | 17:39 |
| peter and spiderman | *peter falls off hamic spider man saves him* peter: Thanks spiderman spiderman:Everybody gets one |
mike knaud | 04/30/2003 | 15:43 |
| peter/Bing Crosby | Peter: Isn;t that right Bing Crosby BC: That's right peter, and if your kids don't obey you, you can always beat them with a sack of valencia oranges. they dont leaves bruises and you kids will always know whose the boss. Peter: I dont agree with that. BC: are you giving me lip? (takes off his belt and beats peter with it |
matt b | 04/30/2003 | 14:07 |
| Peter/Lois | Lois: Petoria? Peter: I was going to call in Peterland but that gay bar down by the airport already has it |
Matt | 04/30/2003 | 14:05 |
| Stewie | Stewie: "It's not so much that I want to kill her.....it's just i don't want her to be alive....anymore." | Ali | 04/30/2003 | 10:44 |
| Lois and Peter | (lois) "Peter your hungover because you got drunk last night" (peter) "no im not, im just tired because i was up the whole night drinking." |
Billy | 04/30/2003 | 10:42 |
| Peter | Brian: And remember the time you had an Irish coffee before we went to
see "Philadelphia"? [cuts to movie theater] Peter: oh, oh I got it. That's Tom Hanks from "Big". Funny man. Anything that guy says is hilarious. Tom Hanks: I have AIDS Peter: hahahahahahahaha |
Matt P. | 04/30/2003 | 10:26 |
| Death | "I caught up with Flo Jo, I'll catch up with you too!" | Adam Ringius | 04/30/2003 | 08:17 |
| stewie/peter/lois | Lois: Stewie...are you upset because you went weewee on the carpet? Stewie:....What did you just say? Peter: Hey Lois I...Hey did you pee in here? Stewie: Just a moment.......What did you just say? |
Kyle Pezzolla | 04/30/2003 | 00:19 |
| Peter | Hey kids were offcialy on welfare...help me scatter car parts on the front lawn. | Kyle Pezzolla | 04/30/2003 | 00:13 |
| stewie | Victory is mine (quickly running then explosions) Damn UUUU | Kyle Pezzolla | 04/30/2003 | 00:10 |
| Stewie/Lois | Lois: Stewie, why dont you play in the other room. Stewie: Why dont you go to hell!!! |
Kyle Pezzolla | 04/30/2003 | 00:08 |
| Stewie | Hello, Operator?.Hello? Oh thats right you have to punch in the numbers nowa days. Oh i should know this....867-5309 thats it...no wait thats not it....DAMN YOU TOMMY TUTONE!!! Only one thing to do 111-1111 Lois? DAMN 111-1112 Lois? DAMN 111-1113 Lois? DAMN |
Kyle Pezzolla | 04/29/2003 | 23:59 |
| Peter & Death | Peter: Who..who the hell are you? Death: I'm Callista Flockheart, who the hell do you think I am? I'm Death! |
LoKi | 04/29/2003 | 22:25 |
| Lois & Death | Lois: We're sure gonna miss you, Death. Death: Ah don't worry, I'll be back REAL soon...ahahaha. Is he joking? Haha..see ya later folks. [ Family stands in the door wide-eyed with terror ] |
LoKi | 04/29/2003 | 22:22 |
| Tom & Diane | Diane Simmons: Our top story tonight: I will be playing the role of Ana
in the Quahog Player's production of "The King and I." Tom? Tom Tucker: Thanks Diane. In other news, I won't be going to the play because I'm sure it will be lousy. Diane: Tom, I'm getting late word that you're a petty, jealous closet case. Tom: In breaking news, we now go live to Diane being a bitch. Diane? |
LoKi | 04/29/2003 | 22:17 |
| N/A | Lois: Peter you know I'm not wearing any underwear... Peter: Oh, thats okay Lois. We can always throw that chair out. |
Kyle Swingle | 04/29/2003 | 22:17 |
| Peter | Lois: Well Peter..you could be the Producer. Peter: Producer eh? Hmm... [ Daydream sequence ] Peter standing in front of a lavish mansion talking on a cell phone: Great news Edgar b. Junior! We made the deal! We're richer and more powerful than ever! [ Peter raises his arms cheering ] Peter: I'm the king of the world! [ He falls through the fence and rolls down a hill, being stripped of all his clothing as he rolls. He falls through the roof of a house ] Spanish man: Who is this?! Woman: He's the answer to my prayers! Man: Why?!? [ real world ] Peter: I love Mexicans! I'll do it. |
LoKi | 04/29/2003 | 22:13 |
| Peter | Peter: Don't worry my boy, everything I have ever said was a lie. ...except that ...and that .. and that and that and.. |
wohoo | 04/29/2003 | 22:09 |
| N/A | Peter: Ah geez I haven't been thrown out of any place since I worked at
that Bulemia clinic [ Cut to Peter walking into a room with a bunch of super-thin women ] Peter: Geez anyone else throw up after that fish last night? |
N/A | 04/29/2003 | 22:05 |
| Auctioneer & Stewie | Auctioneer: Okay, next up we have a high power titanium laser cannon
capable of enslaving the human race. Any takers? Stewie (trying to be seen in the back): Ooh! Me! Right here! In the back! Auctioneer: Anyone? We'll start the bidding at 100 dollars. Anyone? Enslave the human race? Okay how about free? Anyone? Enslave the human race, doesn't cost a penny! Anyone? Stewie: In the back! Right here! Behind the fat woman! Auctioneer: Alright take it away [ Laser gets thrown into a furnace ] Stewie: BLAST! |
LoKi | 04/29/2003 | 22:01 |
| Stewie | Stewie (after Chris gets him a box of Fig Newtons): If I could harness the bulk of that one then I could...oh god there's an orgy in my mouth! | LoKi | 04/29/2003 | 21:58 |
| Stewie & Brian | Stewie (to Chris who is on a diet): Oh my god, this meatloaf is
dilectable! ::takes a bite:: Oh yes! Yes!! Yes!!! Oh god! Brian: I'll have what he's having. |
LoKi | 04/29/2003 | 21:57 |
| N/A | Lois: Aww Meg, don't worry about how you look. Bad self image is the
root to the world's problems. [ Cut to a gym, Hitler trying to lift little dumbells] Hitler: Nnng! [ Camera scrolls to muscle-bound Jewish guy with girls hanging on each arm, all laughing merrily] Hitler: ::Glares angrily at the Jewish guy:: |
LoKi | 04/29/2003 | 21:37 |
| peter | When dawsons creek first came on i said i was gonna be the one who had to kill these kids! | crazy American Gladiator | 04/29/2003 | 21:28 |
| chri | (talkng into camera) Chris:one time my dad took a crap in the neighbors yard and lied about it |
Mo Lester | 04/29/2003 | 18:36 |
| Peter/Doctor | Doc: Mr. Griffin, I'd say you have about a month to live. Peter: Ahhh! Doc: But hey, what the hell do I know, I've been sued by every patient I've ever had. Look at the size of this file! Well this is... this is... whew! Wow.. Ha ha ha. Let's just wait for the test results. |
Konrad | 04/29/2003 | 15:07 |
| Joe & Quagmire | Joe: Hey Quagmire, you up for some camping? Quagmire: Sorry guys, the only tent I'm pitching this weekend is... well, you see where I'm going with this........Oh!!!!! |
Your Mom | 04/29/2003 | 14:31 |
| Peter and Lois | Peter: Oh thank god its your Lois, those last 3 houses were very rude
Lois: Peter have you been drinking ? Peter: Why yes I have thank you. |
Marc-Andre Bisson | 04/28/2003 | 22:30 |
| Stewie | If you were any slower, you wouldn't need an egg timer, you'd need an egg calendar! Oh yes... I went there | Sasha | 04/28/2003 | 18:17 |
| PeterLoisGuy | Some Wierd Guy in the Store: WOW! Lois Griffin! I love you act... Nice
melons Peter: Hey buddy watch it Lois: Peter I'm holding melons(she's holding two watermelons) Guy:And her hooters aint bad either Peter:Now hang on a second there Lois:Peter! I'm holding hooters Guy: Your wifes hot |
Spudnick | 04/28/2003 | 00:05 |
| N/A | (Starts off Lois is singing in Peters Bar) Quagmire: Now THAT's a Woman (Then we turn to a doctor showing him pictures) Quagmire:Thats a house thats a fish.. thats a BEE! |
N/A | 04/28/2003 | 00:03 |
| Peter | Peter: Uhh.. mayor West? Mayor West: How do you know my language? |
Spudnick | 04/27/2003 | 23:59 |
| Major Koenig | just seeing if this will actually go on the site :) | rommel | 04/27/2003 | 13:31 |
| Grampa Griffin/Peter | Grampa Griffin: "You're a good woman, Lois. Maybe you won't go to hell
after all. Maybe you'll just go to purgatory with all the unbaptized
babies!" Peter: "That's great, Lois. You love kids!" |
Jim | 04/27/2003 | 12:45 |
| Peter/Louis | Peter: Your mother is gay. Louis: yeah, so? Peter: ...... |
Spanky Phish | 04/26/2003 | 22:20 |
| Brian | (Brian High) Brian: Soryy to be tardy to the party! |
Anthony | 04/26/2003 | 20:51 |
| Brian | (Brian High) Meg: Wow Brian have you lost weight?! You gotta tell me your secret! Brian: Here's a hint. PUT DOWN THE FORK!! FACE! |
Anthony | 04/26/2003 | 20:49 |
| Stewie | (Stewie auditioning for Kids Say The Darndest Things) Guy: Tell us Stewie, what job does a momm do? Stewie: Hmm interesting question. More for the point how does one define job without branding one self with useless labels? Guy:......... Stewie: Oh, I'm afraid I Answered your question with another question. Guy:..... Umm... How old do you think daddy is? Stewie: 42...... Oh I mean, I mean, DADDY'S OLD! I THINK HE'S 7! Guys: ah ha ha ha !!!! Stewie: Yes that's it, jump through the hoop!. DADDY'S FEET SMELL!! Guys: ah ha ha ha ha ah ha ha! Stewie: ah... Jackasses. |
Anthony | 04/26/2003 | 20:44 |
| Stewie | Stewie: Look at me, I'm having sex with a pig...... I've become my father!! | Anthony | 04/26/2003 | 20:39 |
| Stewie | Stewie: Look at me, I'm having sex with a pig...... I've become my father!! | Anthony | 04/26/2003 | 20:38 |
| Peter | Peter: And that's when Clarence Thomas took me into his chambers.... and
showed me nude pictures! :: Cry Cry :: Judge: Mr. Griffin we have indisputible evidence that shows that you haven't been in the same room as Clarence, or even in the same state! How do you respond? Peter:................... BOBABOOI, BOBABOOI, HOWARD STERN'S PENIS!!, BOBABOOI, BOBABOOI!!!! |
Anthony Ferrentino | 04/26/2003 | 20:35 |
| Stewie | As for you, kind sage, I only hope my heart-felt thanks will keep you warm as you spend the next ten years IN FROZEN CARBONITE!! | Battle9 | 04/26/2003 | 20:11 |
| Stewie | Stewart Gilligan Griffin runs from nothing! | Battle9 | 04/26/2003 | 20:05 |
| Stewie | Ah, the breakfast thing. Yes, it wasn't about the eggs really, frankly I like the yolks, I..I don't..I have no problem, it's, there's always been a lot of tension between Lois and me and it's not so much that I want to kill her. It's just that I want her not to be alive anymore. I sometimes wonder if all women are this difficult, and then I think to myself, by god wouldn't it be marvellous if I turned out to be a homosexual. | Penis | 04/26/2003 | 15:39 |
| Quagmire | Hey what's the deal? I was just jerk...ed out of a deep sleep. | N/A | 04/26/2003 | 15:36 |
| Brian and Lois | Lois: Brian your not wearing the sweater I made you! Brian: Well... It's kinda hot in here Lois: Don we now our gay apparal Brian: (Whispers) Well it doesn't get much gayer than this... |
Chris S. | 04/25/2003 | 12:56 |
| N/A | Lois: He just left without saying anything? Where would he go?
Peter: I don't know. I just asked him to buy me some peanuts and cracker jacks. Brian: I don't care if he ever gets back. ... I wasn't being cute. I really hope he's dead. |
Kevin | 04/25/2003 | 00:09 |
| N/A | Black To The Future narrator: We talking Marty McSuperFly, dig? Jennifer: Marty, I want to be your fine sweet ass bitch. [kisses Marty] Random black guy: Damn! Brotha done kissed his momma! |
Jonathan U. (TMBG2003) | 04/24/2003 | 20:45 |
| Stewie | Well fie the toilet...it's made slaves of you all... | magicrob | 04/23/2003 | 21:20 |
| stewie | The ruptured capalaries in your nose beliele the clarity of your wisdom... | magicrob | 04/23/2003 | 21:18 |
| stewie | forcast for tomorrow...a few sprinkles of genius with a chance of DOOM!!! | magicrob | 04/23/2003 | 21:17 |
| Peter/Louis/Police Man | Louis: I want my baby back! Peter: Louis I'll handle this, yeah were the ones who fed dogfood to our crack addicted baby.(Guy closes the window) Haha, well I never was good at dealing wih the authorites.(Flashback to Peter and Brian getting pulled over) Don't worry Brian, I know how to handle this. Police Man: Sir are you aware you were going 20 over the speed limit, um I'm gonna have to ask you to put your shirt down(after Peter flashes him) Peter: Damn! I get the one straight cop in all of Rhode Island. |
Sam | 04/23/2003 | 15:25 |
| Cleveland | Cleveland: Well he also said that I was the boss. | Sam | 04/23/2003 | 15:17 |
| Car Navigation System | In Soviet Russia, Car drives YOU! | ChriS | 04/23/2003 | 14:58 |
| Quagmire/Social Service Woman | Social Service Woman: Glen, honey, I have a question for you. What do
you do for a living? Quagmire: Hey I gotta question for you to. Why are you still here? |
Sam | 04/23/2003 | 02:57 |
| Peter/Chessey Charlie's Guy | Cheesey Charlie: Hi, welcome to Chessey Charlies. HAIL HITLER!!! Peter: Ah it's Griffin actually, I was sent by my smart, beautiful and still sexually attractive wife Louis. |
Sam | 04/23/2003 | 02:36 |
| Peter/Cashier | Peter: I think I'm in the wrong place, I need someone to come and
entertain people at my kid's birthday party. Cashier:Oh I can do that. Peter: You, you do childrens parties? Cashier: Oh yeah, I can do like handstands and some somersaults. I can make believe the children are bugs caught in my web.(Peter looks freaked and runs out of the erotic store) |
Sam | 04/22/2003 | 23:36 |
| Stewie/Jolene | Jolene: Oh hey little guy, are you lost? Stewie: Now listen here....Jolene! I'm building an army, I must get to Nicargua at once. I shall require a window seat and an inflight happy meal. But no pickles! Oh god help you if I find Pickles! |
Sam | 04/22/2003 | 23:22 |
| Stewie | Stewie: So the Man in White is going to put me back in the womb is he? Well if I am to defeat him I'll require assistance(picks up mercernarie magazine)Ah come to Nicragua and get the best mercernaries in the world. Now I must prepare for my journey, grenades, mace, packet full of cheerios. | Sam | 04/22/2003 | 23:18 |
| Peter/Quagmire | Peter: (explosion), Yeah that's right Quagmire you little redneck, come
near my fence again and it'll be your head! Quagmire: Ah shutup! |
Sam | 04/22/2003 | 23:01 |
| Stewie/Jolene | Jolene: Oh hey little guy, are you lost? Stewie: Now listen here.... Jolene! I must get to Nicragua at once, I require a window seat and an inflight happy meal. But no pickles! Oh God help you if I find Pickles! |
Sam | 04/22/2003 | 22:59 |
| Peter | Peter:And Cleveland, you're the boss because of your attention to
detail. Like when you play pool aaw you take so long to line up your shot
sometimes I just wanna crack you on a cue stick. But I don't because that
would be a hate crime and I love you. And Joe I've had new neighbours before, but none of them were half the man that you are, and since you are half a man that cuts them into some kind of fraction I can't even measure. |
Spudnick | 04/22/2003 | 22:58 |
| Peter and Lois | Lois and Peter go to a Hardware Store Lois to a clerk:Excuse us, we're having a small problem with home security. Peter:Do you, uh, do you guys have those small round metal things that you bury in the ground and when you step on them they explode? Clerk:Landmines? Lois and Peter: Landmines!! |
Spudnick | 04/22/2003 | 22:55 |
| stewie | stewie in lois's mother's house he walks down the hallway and sees two girls girls just like the shining: come play with us...forever and ever and ever... stewie- play with this!...pulls out a rocket propelled gernade and shoots the twins. |
N/A | 04/22/2003 | 21:37 |
| peter | I am never going to die. | cory dirk-pothier | 04/22/2003 | 19:46 |
| PEter | Peter sees people protesting to Free Tibet Peter to some protestor: I'll take it! Peter calls up someone on the phone Peter:Hello China? I think I have something you may want. But it'll cost you. Thats right all the tea |
Spu | 04/22/2003 | 17:09 |
| Stewie | Stewie: ah Flappy, good news! I've decided not to kill you! | Sam | 04/22/2003 | 16:21 |
| Stewie | Stewie: (addressing the group of babies)The man in white is coming to put me back in the womb, today he comes for me, but tomorrow he could come for you or you!(1 baby falls down) I offer you the chance to join me in glorious combat. I realize that some of your motor skills aren't fully developed. Sadly, you'll be used as decoy's, but your childrens children will know you fell for a noble cause. So who's with me? 1 babie: Ducky! Stewie: Ahh worthless! every single one of you! I'll have to deal with the Man in white myself, and to hell with you all! Ah damn, now I've gone and soiled myself, are you happy now? | Sam | 04/22/2003 | 16:19 |
| Stewie | Victory is mine!!!! | Jess | 04/22/2003 | 15:46 |
| Brian/Chris | (At the foster clinic) Chris: So this is where babies come from? Brian: Yes, Chris. This is were babies come from. Chris:(yells at louis) YOU SAID I CAME OUT OF YOUR VAGINA! |
Sam | 04/22/2003 | 00:08 |
| N/A(mostly stewie) | Indian Kid: Stewie, do you want to learn how to tie a turbin? Stewie: Why don't you teach that to the chinese girl? or better yet, wait till her people invade your country! Indian: Lee, would your people really do that? Stewie: Who's to stop them? and who's to stop Pablo's people from using drug money from buying up arms from Eurie's people to sell to lee's country men to ethincally cleanse this genetic mishap you call a family! (Peter falls out of the chimmney) Ah hey kids, I'm Santa Claus, just practicing for christmas. Indian Kid: your not Santa b/c you are white, Bob and Sara told me Santa is Indian. African Kid: That's stupid, Santa is Black! Indian: Santa can't be black, b/c we do not fear him. Lee: ah can it Ghandi! Santa is Asian. Pablo: Santa can't be Asian, b/c he doesn't drive 20 miles under the speed limit with his blinkers on! Go back to your rice patty Mulan!(the kids start fighting) Stewie: Dance Puppets! DANCE!! |
Sam | 04/21/2003 | 23:50 |
| Lee | Lee:Stewie, come complete are rainbow. Stewie: I have a better idea, let's go swallow the stuff under the sink! |
Sam | 04/21/2003 | 23:27 |
| Stewie | Stewie: Greetings Man in White, I've been expecting you! Man in White: Who said that? Stewie: Peek-a-boo, I see you (man in white moves towards the closet), your getting warmer! Man in White: (opens the closet door, a baby monitor is hanging down) What do you want? Stewie: FREEDOM! What do you want? Man in White: I want to get the hell out of here! Stewie: ooo I'm sorry, I'm afraid we're all out of that, the only thing we have left is untimely death! Man in White: OMG! What is this?(motions to Stewie) Stewie: It's a boy!(shoots the man in white with an frozen carbonate gun) |
Sam | 04/21/2003 | 23:19 |
| N/A | [Peter is watching Dennis Miller Live] Dennis Miller: I don't want to go on a rant here, but America's foreign policy makes about as much sense as Bauerwolf having sex with Robert Fulton at the First Battle of Antitum. I mean when a neo-conservitive definastrates, it's like Raskalnakov filibustering deoxeomonohyroxinate. What the hell does rant mean?!? |
HANSEL | 04/21/2003 | 23:05 |
| Lots of ppl | Peter: aaw thats so cute, your just scared that cuz you're a woman
you'll do something stupid like buy a time share or not notice that your
husband taped over your wedding video with soft core cable porn. Lois: You taped over our wedding video? Peter: Relax Lois, I only taped over the boring parts Lois: Oh my God I sent that video to my great aunt Lyl Old Lady:This wedding is HOT!! Old Geezer:Wake up dammit wake up! |
Spudnick | 04/21/2003 | 22:16 |
| Time Share Salesman | Salesman: These wonderful homes on a secluded island can be yours for almost no string attached. Beautiful Island, nothing out of the ordinary here, just beautiful homes. Each home has 200 feet of pristine ocean front viewing, no city noise, no flesh eating ogres, no pollution. | Spudnick | 04/21/2003 | 22:14 |
| Chris and Meg | Chris:Hey Meg, can you guess what word I'm thinking of right now? I'll
give u a guess its not kitty Meg:what ok well um apple, dog, toy, plane.. Chris: heehheeh it was kitty *later on* Chris:Hey meg guess what word I'm thinking, this time its definitely not kitty Meg: is it kitty? Chris: AAAAH Get out of my head!! |
Spudnick | 04/21/2003 | 22:00 |
| Bert and Ernie | Ernie: Gee Bert I wish you wouldn't drink so much Bert: Well Ernie.. I WISH YOU'D STOP EATING COOKIES IN THE BED!!!! |
Spudnick | 04/21/2003 | 21:21 |
| Good Old Peter | Peter:No I don't think so I'm pretty bad at teling jokes. **Goes into a dream sequence where Peter is tied up and there are monkeys with guns pointed at him like in Planet of the Apes** Peter: hey heres' one... How many dirty stinkin apes does it take to screw in a lightbulb? Three! One dirty stinkin ape to screw IN the lightbulb and two dirty stinkin apes to throw feces at each other. Hehehehehe |
Spudnick | 04/21/2003 | 21:04 |
| Peter and Lois | Salesman: You COULD have the boat right now, or take whats in the
mystery box. Lois: Thats' crazy we'll take the boa.. Peter: Hang on a second Lois, a boat's a boat but the mystery box could be anything, it could even be a boat! Lois:Then lets take the boat! Peter: QUiet We'll take the mystery box! |
Spudnick | 04/21/2003 | 21:02 |
| Meg and Peter | Meg: Oh no, I'm missing the news! Peter: We're all missing The News, honey, but Huey Lewis said he needs some time... we have to be patient. |
Rodrigo | 04/21/2003 | 09:39 |
| chris | Security Guard: Alright son, we're gonna need those two hams back. Chris: Huh? I don't have any hams. Guard: Lift up your shirt, son. Chris: I need an adult! I need an adult! Guard: You're not a shoplifter, you're just a fat kid. Sorry about that fatty fat fatty. Hey Tom he's just a fat kid! Aren't you, fatty? You're just a big ol' fat kid. Here's some chocolate fatso. Chris: Thanks. |
killa nig | 04/20/2003 | 13:53 |
| Quagmire and Lois | Quagmire: Don't worry. I'd do everything to you. Lois: What? Quagmire: I'd do anything for you. |
Anthony Ferrentino | 04/20/2003 | 10:20 |
| lois/stewie | lois: Stewie i've told you befor don't eat dirt it's disgusting! Stewie: Yes and suppose the billius curds you forced in me from your teet where perfectly fine then! |
N/A | 04/20/2003 | 03:45 |
| Man in Pro-Gun Video | Man: Remember, guns don't kill people. Dangerous minorities do. | James | 04/20/2003 | 01:55 |
| mr. sun | every morning is good with two scoops of raisens! | N/A | 04/19/2003 | 01:23 |
| Quagmire | Delivery woman: I've got a package for a Mr. Quagmire Quagmire: Hold on a sec. (closer the door then reapears naked) I've got a package for you to! OH!!! |
kegs | 04/19/2003 | 00:38 |
| peter | Peter-( has to draw a naked guy in artclass) am i suppose to draw his
penis? Peter-(while sculpting a naked guy) am i suppose to sculpt his penis? Peter-(while conducting a musical) am i suppose to conduct with my penis? |
brittany | 04/18/2003 | 21:12 |
| N/A | And to think, they used to be our best friends Well that was then, and this is now, and this is a chair, and thats a lamp, and you have boobies and I'm gonna find that trophy! |
FanBoy! | 04/18/2003 | 12:15 |
| Quagmire | Quagmire - What the hell are..Well hello lips legs breast and ass | Jamie | 04/18/2003 | 09:18 |
| Peter & Brian | Brian: Oh Big Man! Can't even buy an air conditioner for his family! Peter:........ Geez what a bitch! |
Anthony Ferrentino | 04/17/2003 | 22:31 |
| STEWIE AND BRIAN | THIS IS WRONG!! ------------------------ Stewie & Peter (In Shop) (Pissing sound ) Peter: Geeeeeez brian this isn't k mart Stewie:hey shop keep, shop keep , come get rex over her before he bends a fresh biscuit on the convayer belt. ---------------------- ITS REALLY, Peter: Geez Brian, where do you think we are, Payless? Stewie: I say Opey! Grab a mop! God will somebody get Rex the hell out of here before he leaves a fresh biscut on the conveyer belt?! |
Anthony Ferrentino | 04/17/2003 | 22:29 |
| Stewie | Stewie: What's your email? Mine is loismustdie, all one word, @yahoo.com. | Maygon | 04/17/2003 | 15:55 |
| Peter/Lois | Peter: Alright now kids, I don't want anyone swimming in this pool
unless there's a lifeguard on duty. Hahaha-duty....Hahaha-diarrhea. Hey
Lois! Lois: What? Peter: Diarrhea Lois: Hahaha, Peter, please, I'm holding iced tea. |
Maygon | 04/17/2003 | 15:53 |
| Chris/Peter | Chris: Dad, what would you say if I told you that I wanted to quit the
scouts? Peter: I'd say 'come again?'... and then I'd laugh because I said 'cum'. |
Maygon | 04/17/2003 | 15:50 |
| Quagmire | Baby, you must be a Parking Ticket, cause you got Fine written all over you! | Tim | 04/17/2003 | 14:37 |
| Chris | When I stick this army guy with the sharp bayonette up my nose it tickles my brain hahahahaaa ow! ohh..now I don't know math.. | LovesALiE | 04/16/2003 | 23:57 |
| Peter n Stewie | Peter: Oh there you are Stewie. Come on Stewie your mom and I have
something for ya. Stewie: Oh let me guess you've picked out yet another colorful box with a crank that I'm expected to turn and turn until oop big shock a jack pops out and you laugh and the kids laugh and the dog laughs and I die a little inside.. |
LovesALiE | 04/16/2003 | 23:56 |
| Stewie | Why dont you make yourself useful and wipe my button. Circular motions only, and DONT YOU LOOK AT ME!! | N/A | 04/16/2003 | 18:12 |
| Peter | this one might be here Peter: Holy Crip he's a crapple. |
COLZY | 04/16/2003 | 10:36 |
| Stewie & Peter | i got to change it its Stewie & Peter (In Shop) (Pissing sound ) Peter: Geeeeeez brian this isn't k mart Stewie:hey shop keep, shop keep , come get rex over her before he bends a fresh biscuit on the convayer belt. |
Colzy | 04/16/2003 | 10:32 |
| Stewie & Peter | (In Shop) (Pissing sound ) Peter: Geeeeeez brian this isn't k mart Stewie:hey shop keep, shop keep , come get rex over her before he bends a fresh loaf on the convayer belt. |
Colzy | 04/16/2003 | 10:30 |
| stewie and louis | stewie: you know mother, life is like a box of chocolates. you never
know what your going to get...your life, however, is more like a box of
ACTIVE GRENADES!! now, i give you one last chance for deliverance, return my
mind control device, or be destroyed! louis: oh you just want your toy back, ok here you are sweety. stewie: yes, well..VICTORY IS MINE!!...(walks into other room...loud explosion) AHH, DAM YOU ALL! |
danny | 04/15/2003 | 22:27 |
| stewie and louis | stewie: you know mother, life is like a box of chocolates. you never
know what your going to get...your life, however, is more like a box of
ACTIVE GRENADES!! now, i give you one last chance for deliverance, return my
mind control device, or be destroyed! louis: oh you just want your toy back, ok here you are sweety. stewie: yes, well..VICTORY IS MINE!!...(walks into other room...loud explosion) AHH, DAM YOU ALL! |
danny | 04/15/2003 | 22:25 |
| peter | (peter in the outhouse down south) A bird hits the side and knocks it over peter: ah it burns, its in my racoon wounds |
N/A | 04/15/2003 | 21:16 |
| N/A | (Peter and Lois buying a car) Lois: Peter, this car has dents in it...and its got a cardboard steering wheel. Peter: Yeah...yeah...just a second honey. Lois: And look, there's no engine. It just has a drawing of an engine. Car Salesman: But it only had one previous owner....JAMES BOND! Peter: I'll take it! |
James | 04/15/2003 | 15:07 |
| N/A | Lois: Peter, thank God. Did you take care of...that...that thing? Peter: That Thing?? Oh oh, you mean that growth. Yeah...yeah, I had the doctor look at that. [Flashback to Peter at the Doctor's office] Doctor: Mr. Griffen, that isn't a growth, that's your penis. Peter: Oh!...Well what about the a.... Doctor: Testicles. Peter: (pauses for a while) hah... |
James | 04/15/2003 | 15:01 |
| Stewie | (Stewie being lowered into a well to save a little girl) It rubs the lotion on it's skin and then he gets the hoes again!..HA! |
James | 04/15/2003 | 14:45 |
| peter | (Peter on being too competitive) I'm as uncompetitive as anyone, in fact, I'm the most uncompetitive, so I win. |
N/A | 04/15/2003 | 09:10 |
| Peter | The adult in me likes the prospect of fun. (shows him as a little kid) But the kid in me is suicidal over what a fat bastard I'll become. |
N/A | 04/15/2003 | 09:08 |
| N/A | Heh, alright | N/A | 04/15/2003 | 09:07 |
| Quagmire | Hey shut up | N/A | 04/15/2003 | 09:06 |
| peter | (the whole scene where peter finds the golden scroll and rams his knee
into the mailbox) Peter: ahhhhhh! ahhhhhh! ahhhhhh! ahhhhhh! ahhhhhh! ahhhhhh! ahhhhhh! ahhhhhh! ahhhhhh! ahhhhhh! ahhhhhh! ahhhhhh! ahhhhhh! ahhhhhh! |
t.Lo | 04/14/2003 | 23:37 |
| N/A | Lois: Peter wake up! Stewie's covered in fleas! Peter: That's nothin! When I was his age, i was covered in ticks! Lois: it's not a contest! peter: well it was back then. |
N/A | 04/14/2003 | 23:35 |
| go avs! | Chris (after catching the twinkie): Im gonna turn you into poo! | t.Lo | 04/14/2003 | 23:34 |
| LEAFS SUCK! | doctor: Congratulations Mrs. Griffin, it's a boy...wait theres more lois: oh no twins! doctor: it's a map of europe. ("bomb here" written several times) |
t.Lo | 04/14/2003 | 23:32 |
| Peter | P:C'mon Cleveland you gotta finish this course u'd be like the first
black guy to do it! Guy #1:Hey a black guy Guy #2:Ooohooohoo fun |
GO LEAFS GO | 04/14/2003 | 18:27 |
| Baseball Players | Player 1: Hey you want some gum? Player 2: Sure! Player 1: HAHA thats trick gum, now your addicted to heroine Player 2: HAHA So.....cold |
GO LEAFS GO | 04/14/2003 | 18:26 |
| Chris and Peter | Chris: Dad, what would you say if I wanted to quit scouts? Peter: I'd say come again. And then I'd laugh because I said come. |
Matt | 04/14/2003 | 15:58 |
| TV | Kirk: "Alrite men, this is a dangerous mission, and likely that one of
us will get killed. The landing party will consist of myself, Mr. Spock, Dr.
McCoy, and Ensign Rikki" Ensign Rikki: "...Ah crap" |
gra | 04/14/2003 | 14:12 |
| N/A | Hmm... I wonder wat scooby and the gang are upto right now... "Geez wizz gang looks like the killer gutted the victim, strangled him w/ his own intestines and dumped the body in the river" "Jinkeys. wat a mystery" "rarrroo" "ur right scoob, we're dealing w/ one sick son of a bitch!" |
Gra | 04/14/2003 | 14:12 |
| Peter | Peter: Hey Quagland. | Bad Religion | 04/14/2003 | 05:19 |
| Stewie | And now you contemptable harpy, I shall end your oppressive reign of matriarichal tyranny! | Temperal Paradox | 04/13/2003 | 12:56 |
| Petere Mr. Weed | Mr Weed: You're Fired! Peter: Oh jeeze, for how long? |
Izumi Orimoto | 04/13/2003 | 11:27 |
| Peter Lois | Lois: Peter, what did you promise me last night? Peter: I wouldn't drink at the stag party. Lois: And what did you do? Peter: Drank at the stag pa- woah, I almost walked right into that one. |
Izumi Orimoto | 04/13/2003 | 05:29 |
| Lois,Peter and Brian | Lois: Peter, its seven in the morning! Brian: Thanks for the update Big Ben. Brian & Peter: Laughter Lois: You're drunk again! Peter: No, I'm just exhausted from bein' up all night drinkin'. Lois: Listen, Peter, if keep this up something terrible's gonna happen. Peter: Somethin' terrilble... all the way to the bank! Brian: Nice. |
Izumi Orimoto | 04/13/2003 | 05:15 |
| Chumba Wumba's to Joe | Chumba wumba gobbldie goo life isnt faire, its sad but its true Chumba wumba gobbldie gii When your poor legs are stiff as a tree What do you do when ur stuck in a chair Finding it hard to go up and down stairs What do you think of the one you call god Isnt his absence slight-ly odd (mabey hes forgotten you) Chumba wumba gobbldie gorsh Count yourself your not a horse They would turn you into dog food or chumba wumba gobbldie glue. |
Izumi Orimoto | 04/13/2003 | 05:03 |
| Stewie and Olivia | Olivia: You are the weakest link, goodbye." (laughter) Stewie: Ha ha ha! Oh gosh that's funny! That's really funny! Do you write your own material? Do you? Because that is so fresh. You are the weakest link goodbye. You know, I've, I've never heard anyone make that joke before. Hmm. You're the first. I've never heard anyone reference, reference that outside the program before. Because that's what she says on the show right? Isn't it? You are the weakest link goodbye. And, and yet you've taken that and used it out of context to insult me in this everyday situation. God what a clever, smart girl you must be, to come up with a joke like that all by yourself. That's so fresh too. Any, any Titanic jokes you want to throw at me too as long as we're hitting these phenomena at the height of their popularity. God you're so funny!" |
Izumi Orimoto | 04/13/2003 | 04:34 |
| peter, brian | peter: well i'm gonna spend my tax refund ion something really special,
and i don't mean speacial like that kid down the street, i mean special
like....speacial K the cerial, and for that matter what happened to the
regular k? and what happened to kay ballad? you know if you said ballad when
you had a cold it would sound like mallad... brian: do you even lsiten to yourself when you talk? peter: ...i drift in and out |
chris | 04/12/2003 | 15:09 |
| Stewie | Shake me like a British nanny! | Gem | 04/12/2003 | 13:25 |
| Peter and Brian | Quick correction to Roderigo from 04-07-03 Peter: Holy crap, Brian, Lois is gonna be home any minute. How the hell I'm going to explain this to her? Brian: What do you suggest we do? Peter: ...get out your ring... Brian: Peter, I don't think that's going to- Peter: Come on!! Both: Wonder twin powers, activate!!! Peter: Form of steam!.... [About 3 seconds awkward pause] Brian: Peter, we got these in a box of FrankenBerry... |
El Amante Picante | 04/12/2003 | 04:35 |
| Lois, chris | Lois:Peter come up here you've been down there for hours ahhhhh (peter come upstairs in a nuclear suit) Chris: OH MY GOD THE GOVERNMENTS HERE RUN E.T. RUN E.T.AAAHHHHHhhh(while running across the screen) |
N/A | 04/11/2003 | 21:40 |
| N/A | Woman at child services: Please give me my son back! I promise I won't
do it again! Clerk: Alright I'll give you your son back.. But remember next time, we won't just take him away.... We'll kill him. |
Spencer | 04/11/2003 | 17:28 |
| N/A | lady: Brian, you have a pre existing relationship with this degenerate?
Peter: Digenerate am I ? Well you are a phestisio..... See I can make words too sister. |
Wally Tusket | 04/11/2003 | 16:57 |
| Stewie | Stewie's madlib Cinderella has three evil step watermelons who were very smelly to her. Then she met her fairy god-toilet, who turned a pumpkin into a fanny and sent her off to the poop! |
Cuch | 04/11/2003 | 16:29 |
| Peter and Dennis Miller | Dennis (on TV): I don't want to go on a rant here but America's foreign
policy...(talks on for a couple min. using words Peter wouldnt understand)
*Silence* Peter: What the hell does rant mean? |
Chris S. | 04/10/2003 | 15:57 |
| Peter | Holy crap! That statue of me looks like a giant Emmy!... hint hint. | Lando | 04/10/2003 | 01:27 |
| Mayor West | Mayor West: Your house isnt even part of these United States ... that must make you ... A COMMUNIST! | Bill | 04/10/2003 | 00:01 |
| Peter | Hows this for a name: Mrs. Pony Express is in..oh what do you have for me joe? Oh lets see here... it's here somewhere... oh here we are... a big bag of liver spots for Lois! (Lois punches Peter) | Chris S. | 04/9/2003 | 23:01 |
| Peter And Chris | {chris talking to peter} chris: what would you say if i said i didnt wan to be in the scouts anymore. peter: i would say cum again and tehn i would laugh cause i said cum. |
Rami | 04/9/2003 | 17:55 |
| N/A | meg: i have no friends and its all cuz of this stupid purse! peter: (holds purse against the wall) what the hell did u do to my daughter? cuz i swear to god if u touched her!!!! |
N/A | 04/9/2003 | 17:15 |
| Stewie | Daah! dammit to the bowls of bloody hell! | Nick | 04/9/2003 | 02:44 |
| Stewie and Waitress | Waitress: "Here ya go little guy, straight from flappy himself" (puts a plate of pancakes down) Stewie: "I don't want..." Waitress: "...Try it you will like it" (feeds him some of the pancakes) Stewie:"...why this is delictable!...good news flappy! i've decided not to kill you! |
Chris S. | 04/8/2003 | 23:30 |
| Peter and Lois | Lois: Peter, what have you ever done creative? Peter: I wrote Bondfire of the Vanities! Lois: No you didn't! ........................................................................ Peter: You win this round Lois...... |
Anthony Ferrentino | 04/8/2003 | 19:43 |
| Peter | "sweet Statiotory! You look great!" | Greg | 04/8/2003 | 14:07 |
| Meg | Ugh! God kill me! (cuts to God with a sniper rifle aimed at Meg) (God interrupted by a phone ringing) |
Fuk | 04/8/2003 | 14:02 |
| Guy at hotel | Come out or I'll hit you with this blunt instrument. It's not really an instrument, it's more of an object, but it's blunt, hard and blunt. And well, its sort of like a bat. | N/A | 04/8/2003 | 09:50 |
| N/A | Hey pat, the guy who gets shot is Charlton Heston. It makes it even
funnier because of his support of the NRA. (they open a cage for the parade) Heston: let my pigeons go. |
N/A | 04/8/2003 | 09:39 |
| Quagmire | I've never been with a Spanish chick before....olay. [reporter is clearly Asian] |
Scottage Cheese | 04/8/2003 | 02:09 |
| N/A | Joe: Everyone look out, I'm a cop! [fires the gun] oh God! I thought the
safety was on! Charlton Heston (bleeding from the chest): It's okay, son... it's..your right as an American... [falls over] |
Pat | 04/7/2003 | 22:13 |
| brian & Peter | brian: amazing peter, youve inspired the whole neighborhood to work
together! peter: you know what else is amazing? i havent brushed my teeth in 3 days, and noone has said a thing... |
Pat | 04/7/2003 | 22:09 |
| N/A | Peter: Holy crap, Brian, Lois is gonna be home any minute. How the hell
I'm going to explain this to her? Brian: What do you suggest we do? Peter: ...get out your ring... Brian: Peter, I don't think that's going to- Peter: Come on!! Both: Wonder twin powers, activate!!! Peter: Form of steam!.... [About 3 seconds awkward pause] Brian: Peter, we got these rings out of a box of Cracker Jacks... |
Rodrigo | 04/7/2003 | 17:37 |
| Peter, Lois and a man | Man: Hey, nice melons! Peter: Hey you!... Lois: Peter I'm holding melons. Peter: Oh... Man: Your hooters aren't bad either! Peter: Hey, man! Lois: Peter, I'm holding owls. Peter: Okay, sorry... Man: No problem (Pause) Man: Your wife's hot! |
Rodrigo | 04/7/2003 | 17:34 |
| Lois and Chris | Lois: Chris is the head of our space program [Chris on tree, reaching for Moon] Chris: Almost there!... |
Rodrigo | 04/7/2003 | 17:31 |
| Peter (to Manson family) | I got invited to a party at Sharon Tate's house. Now you guys can come, but you gotta promise not to embarass me. | Rodrigo | 04/7/2003 | 17:30 |
| Peter | I sometimes wish I'd donated my body to science... [cut to Peter as a skeleton in a classroom scaring a little girl] (Laughs) Now get out of here, you little bastard! |
Rodrigo | 04/7/2003 | 17:27 |
| Bill Cosby and a kid | BC: What do you like, son? K: Pokemon! BC: Pokeman!, Pokeman!, with the poke and the man!, where the thing comes out of the thing and rararararararar!!!... |
Rodrigo | 04/7/2003 | 17:24 |
| Quagmire | Baby, if I could rearrange the alphabet, I'd put 'U' and 'I' together... | Rodrigo | 04/7/2003 | 17:23 |
| Quagmire (in a lesbian bar) | So... any of you ladies ever been penetrated? | Rodrigo | 04/7/2003 | 17:22 |
| Tom Tucker & Peter | T: Mr. Griffin, your opening statement, please. P: I'm Peter Griffin, vote for me! T: Is that it? P: Uuhh, no!... This is life, the one you get, so go and have a ball. Because the world don't move to the beat of just one drum, what might be right for you, may not be right for some!. You take the good, you take the bad, you take them both and there you have, my opening statement. Sit Booboo, sit. Good dog. |
Rodrigo | 04/7/2003 | 17:21 |
| Lois and Peter | L: What is this about? P: This is about you and that Ross Fishman. L: What? P: Yeah, I saw you two (doing a thing). L: That's it Peter, I'm calling a marriage counsellor. I can't even have dinner with a friend without you freaking out!. What's your problem?! P: You wanna know what my problem is, Lois?... I love too much!! L: Peter, what are you talking about?! P: Can't you see it, Lois???, we're alive!!! L: Peter, you're scarying me... P: Good, embrace the fear!! Dance with me, Lois!!!. Dance the dance of life!!! (He jumps up and down and crashes into a table) P: Yeah, maybe you should call that marriage counsellor... |
Rodrigo | 04/7/2003 | 17:18 |
| N/A | Peter: Yankees suck!, Jets suck!, Rangers suck!, Knicks suck! (Several angry NYers try to beat Peter, but Lois defeats them) Peter: Krypton sucks!! (The guys from Superman 2 reaches Peter. Lois kicks their asses and locks them into the square where in the movie they were trapped and kicks it away) |
Rodrigo | 04/7/2003 | 17:15 |
| Smurfs | - Hey'd you have fun at the party last night? - Yeah, smurftacular! - Hey, I saw you leave with Smurfette... - Yeah, right when we get out of the bar, she starts smurfin' me. - No way!!, right in the smurfin' parking lot?! - Smurf yeah!!! - Oh, that's freakin' smurf... that is freakin' smurf!! |
Rodrigo | 04/7/2003 | 17:14 |
| Pteer | (Peter after fighting a human sized chiken for 5 minutes) Peter: Chiken.....gave me a bad cupon! |
Glen Jacobs | 04/7/2003 | 16:48 |
| stewie | porrig, u smell | chris | 04/7/2003 | 08:18 |
| Peter | Peter: Sorry, Lois. I was just thinking about that hilarious episode of Diff'rent Strokes where Arnold and Dudley get sexually molested by the guy in the bike shop. HAHAHAHAHAHA | ---Hairlip Steve | 04/7/2003 | 07:34 |
| Peter | [Peter sees people with FREE TIBET signs, and goes up to one of them]
Peter: I'll take it! [Peter runs over to a phone booth and dials another] Peter: Yes, China? Yeah, I've got something you want. And I'm gonna want something in return. That's right, all the tea! |
Jon | 04/7/2003 | 00:31 |
| A Beer Commercial | (Family's watching TV - two girls nearly naked interacting on a lawn)
Woman 1: Boy that lotion sure feels good Woman 2: Sure is hot! Woman 1: And it just got hotter! Here, now let me do you [as woman 2 takes top off] [they laugh, camera moves to some beer] Voice Over Narrator: Pawtucket Patriot Beer. If you buy it, hot women will have sex in your backyard. Lois: Uch, typical male fantasy. Women drinking beer. I guarantee you a man made that commercial! Peter: Of course a man made it Lois, it's a commercial! Not a delicious thanksgiving dinner. |
Jon | 04/7/2003 | 00:29 |
| Peter | Peter: Women are not people. They're devices created by the lord Jesus Christ for our pleasure. | Jon | 04/7/2003 | 00:24 |
| Peter | Peter (talking to Luke Perry): Ah man I tell ya Dark Side of the Moon, totally sincs up to the Wizard of Oz. | Jon | 04/7/2003 | 00:23 |
| Stewie | On eating pancakes with blueberrys for the first time: "OH MY, OH MY GOD! This is better than SEX!" | Joe Wulf | 04/7/2003 | 00:17 |
| Peter | Peter: Why did all the dinosaurs die? Museum Tour Guide: Because you touch yourself at night. |
Ginger | 04/6/2003 | 17:39 |
| Stewie | Stewie: If you find a man dead with a link-in log jammed in his heart, I didn't do it. But I need that log back to finish my re-creation of James Madison's cabin. | Anthony Ferrentino | 04/6/2003 | 12:20 |
| Chris | oh no the government is here run ET run nooooooooooooooooooo | nick | 04/4/2003 | 22:42 |
| Peter | The shortest distance between two points is the full body English high arch and rainbow shot | UnguSC | 04/4/2003 | 18:19 |
| Stewie | "I think the only reason we die is because we accept it as an inevitability (yeah)" | Jay | 04/4/2003 | 12:10 |
| Peter & Brian | Peter: No, I know this. I read it in a book somewhere. Brian: A book? Are you sure it wasn't NOTHING? Peter: Oh yeah. |
Al Fern | 04/3/2003 | 19:05 |
| Mr. Pewterschmidt | Isn't this one of the most beautiful dogs you've ever seen, Brian? Look at that coat - and feel the heat coming off her genitalia, you could roast marshmallows. | Nuzz | 04/3/2003 | 15:01 |
| Lois and Peter | Lois: I hope you learned your lesson, Peter. Peter: Nope. |
Rodrigo | 04/3/2003 | 08:28 |
| Stewie | Look at me, I'm nudes on ice!! | Angel | 04/3/2003 | 01:26 |
| Stuart | C&F FOODS IS THE BEST HOCKEY TEAM IN THE WORLD!! yaaaaaa!!!!!!!! | Stuart | 04/2/2003 | 20:03 |
| N/A | (man is robbing store) robber: give me all the money in the register! cashier: i cant open it unless u buy something! robber: alright give me some skittles! and a horoscope scroll! (reads horoscope scroll out loud) financial transaction will benefit u today cashier: oooh! weird! |
N/A | 04/2/2003 | 18:08 |
| quahog news as kids | (peter, cleveland, and quagmire running away) man:get used to that diane, men running away from you! diane: your so far in the closet your finding christmas presents |
Pat | 04/2/2003 | 18:01 |
| Stuart | Keith Sux!!!!!!! HAHAHAHA!!!!!!!! | Stuart | 04/2/2003 | 17:38 |
| Stuart | Stuart Rules!!!! YAAAAA!!! | Stuart | 04/2/2003 | 17:32 |
| N/A | Lois: Peter, do you even know which one of our kids i'm talking about?
Peter: err...Gordon? |
N/A | 04/2/2003 | 16:05 |
| Stewie and others | Random man: aww isn't that sweet...it's a time machine. Stewie: No no, it's a, dammit what the hell do children draw...It'S A PHEASANT!! |
Jethro | 04/2/2003 | 15:54 |
| Quagmire | I was always in bed by 8:00...and home by 11:00. OH!! | Jethro | 04/2/2003 | 15:50 |
| Stewie | Stewie: Excellent! The mind control device is nearly completed! AUGH! Release me at once! | Fecal Matters | 04/2/2003 | 10:09 |
| N/A | Ha! that was trick gum now your addicted to heroine! | Brad | 04/1/2003 | 17:19 |
| Charles Lindburg | Lois: Peter, maybe it's time for Stewie to be potty trained. Peter: Gee, isn't he a little young.You know what happened to the Lindburg baby. (flashback) Wife: Charles, are you sure about this? Charles: Honey, will you relax, it's fine, I flew across the Atlantic, I'm a natioanl treasure... (baby gets sucked down the toilet)... OH MAY GOD... ok, ok... he was, he was kidnapped. You call the police, I'll write the ransom note. Wife: But Charles, what about Amelia? She saw everything. Charles: You leave her to me. |
Mike | 04/1/2003 | 14:59 |
| N/A | Meg: Excuse me, Mayor West? Adam West: How do you know my language? |
stinkfinger | 04/1/2003 | 10:47 |
| N/A | Peter: Hey, I'll go up to those two scary-looking bikers and call them
Richard Simmons. Quagmire: Peter No! Cleveland: Peter, now your just talking crazy. Peter: (approaching scary guys) Aren't you Richard Simmons? (guy breaks pool stick on Peter's head, Peter only laughs) Peter: (to other guy) Aren't you Richard Simmons friend, Richard Simmons? (guy shoots Peter, Peter only laughs) |
Jim Small | 04/1/2003 | 10:09 |
| Quagmire | You have to be this beautiful to ride the Quagmire! | Keith | 04/1/2003 | 05:24 |
| Stewie | Woman to Stewie: Awww, I bet you're hungry. Stewie: Yes, and I bet you lost your virginity to a mechanical bull. Now CHANGE me! |
Stinkfinger | 03/31/2003 | 12:30 |
| N/A | Lois: I haven't seen everyone this miserable since that time we were
tortured. (flashback) (Whipping noise) Peter: I'm sorry were you just whipping me or was that a mosquito. (::Whip::) Hey Lois if you happen to see the dungeon master could you tell him his grandmother was just trying to work me over. |
Anthony Ferrentino | 03/29/2003 | 20:17 |
| TV | {TV Commercial} Doctor: Mrs. Lipstein I'm afraid I have some bad news, the tumor is malignant. I'm afraid you only have 6 months to live. Mrs. Lipstein: Oh My God! (pause) Narrator: Got Milk? |
Tommy O | 03/29/2003 | 19:56 |
| Peter | Lois: This is a fine house for a young boy. *In the distance a gunshot is heard* Peter(from distance):Quagmire you rat bastard come near my house again and that will be your head! |
<=Mike03=> | 03/29/2003 | 16:30 |
| Stewie | But you promised the fat one would perish. | Cerbera | 03/29/2003 | 07:33 |
| N/A | Voice: What would you do for a Klondike bar? Would you stand on one leg?
Guy: Ok! Voice: Would you act like a monkey? Guy: Sure! Hoo! Hoo! Hoo! Voice: W- Would you kill a man? Guy: Uh.... well.... (Gunshot) |
Anthony Ferrentino | 03/28/2003 | 21:18 |
| Stewie | Stewie: SILENCE you contemptable shrew! | Jay | 03/28/2003 | 21:12 |
| Peter | (To Luke Perry) D-D'you know what's good for getting wine out? Sex with another man. | Mark Mearns | 03/28/2003 | 15:22 |
| Stewie | Nothing says "Obey me" like a bloody head on a post. | Temperal Paradox | 03/27/2003 | 23:31 |
| Stewie | ...Go Cyborg! | Temperal Paradox | 03/27/2003 | 23:30 |
| Stewie | And now you contemptable harpy, I shall end you oppressive reign or matriarichal tyranny! | Temperal Paradox | 03/27/2003 | 23:28 |
| stewie to lowis | Life is like a box of chocolates, in your case your life is like a box of ACTIVE GRENADES! Lowis:Oh you just want your toy back, here you go. Stewie: ... yes victory is mine! (big explosion) Stewie: DAMN YOU ALL TO HELL! |
me again | 03/27/2003 | 20:16 |
| Stewie | Damn you and damn the brocolli! | meeeee | 03/27/2003 | 20:14 |
| Stewie and Lois | Lois: Sweetie, its broccoli Its good for you now open up for the
airplane *Lois makes airplane noise* Stewie: Never! Damn the broccoli, damn you, and damn the Wright Brothers! Lois: my arent we fussy tonight, ok no broccoli very well then *Lois shoves broccoli in stewies mouth* *Stewie spits it out* Stewie: who the the hell do you think you are? Lois: honey its not gonna go away just because you dont like it stewie: well then my goal becomes clear...THE BROCCOLI MUST DIE |
Rachael | 03/27/2003 | 17:24 |
| Stewie | But you promised the fat one would die! | Superfurryandy | 03/27/2003 | 14:52 |
| Stewie | Well, I'd love to stay and chat, but you're a total bitch. |
Bob | 03/27/2003 | 08:54 |
| n/a | Peter: I'm gonna go microwave a bagel and have sex with it. Quagmire: Butter's in the fridge! |
Bob | 03/27/2003 | 08:52 |
| n/a | Peter: Have they ever shown him doing somebody in and then feeding on
him? Brian: You're asking if they've ever done a Sesame Street in which the Count kills somebody and then sucks their blood for sustenance. Peter: Yeah. Brian: No, they've never done that |
Bob | 03/27/2003 | 08:50 |
| Peter | (Peter Griffin robot Stewie created) Peter: Kids, I want you to go downstairs and drink the anti-freeze in the garage |
Josh E | 03/26/2003 | 23:12 |
| Stewie | oh yes, yes i love crack i am absolutely coo coo for crack! |
Rachael | 03/26/2003 | 16:40 |
| Stewie/Bumble | (Stewie comes on as Oliver) Stewie: Please sir i want some more Bumble: What? Stewie: Please sir i want some more? Bumble: More? (Bumble comes out to grab him, Stewie pulls out laser gun) Stewie: OK stop that, stop that. Now, put on this dress, PUT IT ON! Now dance! |
Dominic Treharne | 03/26/2003 | 15:28 |
| Peter | (Chris swimming) Peter: That's it son..... All the way up stream.... (Gets caught by a bear) Peter: Aw... Aw geez.... That's great son, try to soil yourself like we practiced! |
Anthony Ferrentino | 03/25/2003 | 21:31 |
| Chris | (To Megs hot reality show replacement) I don’t know weather mom told you this but we have to have breakfast nude and I’m allowed to video tape it. |
Bob | 03/25/2003 | 14:05 |
| Peter | Why don’t we go to my house than I can take pictures of you in a gay
pose. (Says to Luke Perry) |
Bob | 03/25/2003 | 14:02 |
| petter | What!! No way that’s even more than I spent on all that hansom cream | Bob | 03/25/2003 | 13:57 |
| peter | I once new a guy that that brought a car out of a magazine, then ten years later bam!!herpes. | Bob | 03/25/2003 | 13:55 |
| Cleveland | You're the white version of a black guy that's not good with his money | Rodrigo | 03/25/2003 | 08:57 |
| Rabbi and Peter | Rabbi: Mr. Griffin, why does your son want to become Jewish?. Peter: I don't know... he's bi-curious. |
Rodrigo | 03/25/2003 | 08:56 |
| Peter | You better watch who you're calling a child, Lois. Because if I'm a child, do you know what that makes you?. A pedophile. And I'll be damned if I'm gonna stand here and be lectured by a pervert. | Rodrigo | 03/25/2003 | 08:55 |
| Peter and Lois | Peter: Lois, this is my new friend, Max Weinstein. He's Jewish! Lois: Oooooh, how exotic! |
Rodrigo | 03/25/2003 | 08:54 |
| Peter | Peter: So what do you want me to do, whack a guy, off a guy, whack-off a guy, because I'm married. | Ryan | 03/23/2003 | 21:04 |
| N/A | Police: Aren't you a little old to be drinking illegaly? Peter:..... Lois look over there! RUN! (Police run away) |
Anthony Ferrentino | 03/23/2003 | 11:34 |
| N/A | Guy at Airport: Aren't you a little young to be traveling alone? Stewie: Aren't you a little old to be wearing braces? |
Anthony Ferrentino | 03/23/2003 | 11:33 |
| Police to Peter | Aren't you too old to be drinking illegally? | ChriS | 03/23/2003 | 00:30 |
| Stewie | (Turns on a tape player and stewie come on pretending to be on the radio)Everybody does it, i mean everybody i know SHUT UP | angelique | 03/22/2003 | 05:53 |
| Tom | Diane: Welcome to the 83rd annual Quahog harvest festival parade. Are
you as excited as I am Tom. Tom: Are you kidding Diane I've got wood and clipped onto this piece of wood is a list of this years entries. |
Anthony Ferrentino | 03/21/2003 | 22:54 |
| Peter | Brian: Oh my god, what are you doing here? Peter: I'm on vacation! Oh and if anyone asks, im also on smack. |
Anthony Ferrentino | 03/21/2003 | 22:21 |
| Tom Tucker | Tom Tucker: And now we go live to Greg the weather mime..... OK there's gunna be wind. lots of wind! And its gunna be cold.... And childrens parents will throw fecal matter down on them from the rooftops, HOW AWFUL!!.................... Oh no wait that's rain.... yes..... it'll, it'll rain..... | Anthony Ferrentino | 03/21/2003 | 17:23 |
| N/A | Tom Tucker: And now for the blackie weather forecast. Black Weather Forecaster: IT'S GON RAIN! |
TimS. | 03/21/2003 | 11:58 |
| Stewie | Stewie: Wait, Wait, Iv got it, iv got it. If you cooked any slower, you wouldn't need an egg timer, you'd need an egg calendar! Ah ha ha ha ha!! Oh that's right... I went there. | Anthony Ferrentino | 03/21/2003 | 11:03 |
| N/A | Guy: Hey buddy, your gunna have to move your car, its too close to the
curb. Peter: Yea well.... Your eyes are too close to your nose! Guy: That may be, but I only have to wear 1 goggle when I go swimming in MY POOL!! |
Anthony Ferrentino | 03/21/2003 | 11:01 |
| Peter | Wait! Wait! Wait a minute! I have to draw you. Your why cave men painted on walls. | Cheeb | 03/20/2003 | 16:32 |
| stewie | OH Oh Wait i got one. If u could cook any slower then u wouldn't be cooking very fast at all then would u. Well, that isn't very funny at all now isnt it. | Cheeb | 03/20/2003 | 16:30 |
| N/A | Peter: Oh my God, it's better than i thought. it's an audi. i'm getting
a car. Brian: Peter, there's a T in there your getting an audit. Peter: No Brian it's a foreign car. The T is silent. Sweet i'm getting an audi. Chris: I have an inny. |
Cheeb | 03/20/2003 | 16:20 |
| peter | Well, according to paragraph 7, sentence 3, word 8 of the Geneva Convention... "The" | cheeb | 03/20/2003 | 16:17 |
| Stewie | Peter: I dont say this often enough but, Im gonna die Gasp round room Stewie: High 5?!....Anyone? |
<=Mike03=> | 03/20/2003 | 15:11 |
| Indians | Indian: Oh man, I want to have a spiritual vision too! Hey have we lost
our native roots? I mean this is cool and all, but what's the part of our
souls? Indian#2: About 7 million a week. Indian: That seems about right. |
Anthony Ferrentino | 03/19/2003 | 19:47 |
| Peter | (Peter fakes injury on tape) Peter: Look i'm injured like Joe Swanson, and I demand to have a movie on my life! Tom Tucker: Ya right buddy.... Peter: Look, I have a video of my tragic accident... ** Peter: Oh look, a car coming too fast for me to get out of the way... AIEEEE!! (Scarecrow dressed like Peter gets hit by a car)** Tom Tucker: Hey that's not you. That's a scarecrow! And if I freezeframe, your the one driving the car! Peter: Ah.... oh..... |
Anthony Ferrentino | 03/19/2003 | 19:45 |
| Guy in market | (in pakistani accent)Hey Americans. You like movies? I've got dude my car is not where i parked it but praise Allah we are not hurt. | Cheeb | 03/19/2003 | 15:48 |
| Peter | Hey, I'm on vacation! Happy birthday, Jesus! Seven maids a milking, six maids a milking, fiiiiiive maids a mil~ *DEATH* | Al Fern | 03/17/2003 | 19:39 |
| STEWIE | But Mother, I thought you said they were lazy like the dirty Mexicans... | MRAH | 03/17/2003 | 13:55 |
| Chumba Wumbas | [Chumba Wumbas]: "what do you think of the one you call God?" "Dont you think absence is slight-ly-odd?" (duh duh duh duh duh) "Maybe he's forgotten you!" |
David Edberg (i sent it) | 03/17/2003 | 00:02 |
| Chumba wumbas | [Chumba Wumbas]: "what do you think of the one you call God?" "Dont you think absence is slight-ly-odd?" (duh duh duh duh duh) "Maybe he's forgotten you!" |
N/A | 03/17/2003 | 00:01 |
| Peter, Chris, and lois | Chris: hey dad i got your nose *haha* Peter: oh yea! well i got your face! *actually pulls chris's face off* Chris: AAAAAAHH!! Lois: relax chris its just a joke |
Pat | 03/16/2003 | 14:35 |
| Peter | Lois: Talent doesnt just disappear like that you know! Peter: Well sometimes it does. You were pretty bad in bed last Saturday night. *Flashback* Peter: C'mon Lois move or something!Its like doing it with a pillow! Lois: I was at my mothers Saturday night! Peter:.......Oh |
<=Mike03=> | 03/16/2003 | 13:59 |
| Peter | Peter: Nung-Pedro-Slappywag! Thats Petorian for more beer you slappywag! | <=Mike03=> | 03/16/2003 | 13:54 |
| Brian | Its her loss right?I turned out great.Huh? Am I right? Right? YE!Ye you bet your ass Im right!You wanna arm wrestle? Come on! Right now COME ON! | <=Mike03=> | 03/16/2003 | 10:21 |
| Chris+Peter | Chris: Hey dad look, I covered my back in honey and now the ants are
taking me home!!Ahhaha Peter: He does the same at home with Velveetas and cockroaches. If you turn on the light really fast, they slam him right into the fridge. |
<=Mike03=> | 03/16/2003 | 09:41 |
| N/A | Jeff Foxworthy: You might be a redneck if.. Stewie: You Suck! [slams door in face] |
tom | 03/16/2003 | 02:27 |
| peter | So she hated the tie until i told her it was made of 100% budafuco fibers | mike | 03/15/2003 | 21:25 |
| N/A | [Peter and Meg are talking about the times Peter humiliated Meg] Peter walks into the classroom of meg dressed in a towel: "Hey Meg next time you shave your legs in the shower, please wash it away afterwards, it's like a frikkin' carpet in there" |
N/A | 03/15/2003 | 12:50 |
| Peter | *about Peter's awfull timing [Peter is on the planet of the apes and the apes have got him tied up and are about to kill him] Peter:how many filthy stinking monkies does it take to screw in a light bulb? One filthy stinking monky to screw in the light bulb and two filthy stinking monkies to throw feaces at each other |
The Dalai Jorre | 03/15/2003 | 12:46 |
| AmAna bokjab | Act like a bitch, get smacked like a bitch!! | Tergut | 03/15/2003 | 12:35 |
| N/A | Brian: Peter's going out of his way to avoid me. Peter is sitting in a huge glass box so he can't hear anyone.Suddenly he bends over to fart and then he starts laughing at it. Then he smells his own fart and tries to climb out of the box because of the awfull smell but doesn't succeed.Finally he passes out and falls to the ground. |
The Dalai Jorre | 03/15/2003 | 12:34 |
| Steper | J: Dalai lorre, how are you? L: Sexy and intelligent, thx:) |
Disciple | 03/15/2003 | 10:58 |
| N/A | (Sesame Street, Bert and Ernie) Narrator: This show contains adult content, and is brought to you by the letter H |
Anthony Ferrentino | 03/14/2003 | 17:28 |
| Peter | I know you're a feminist and I think that's adorable, but this is grown-up time and I'm the man! | JoeChurchill | 03/12/2003 | 18:17 |
| Stewie | So, what do you think of this "Music Television?" | JoeChurchill | 03/12/2003 | 18:16 |
| Peter | NOOOOOO! Silly rabbit, Trix are for kids. Damn longears, trying to take Easter away from Jesus. Anyway, what was that you were saying? | JoeChurchill | 03/12/2003 | 18:16 |
| Pater | Holy crip, he's a crapple! | JoeChurchill | 03/12/2003 | 18:15 |
| Peter | Peter: Hey Big Fat Paulie, you ever look up in the sky and wonder if
there's someone looking back at ya? Paulie: Well just in case, (Pulls dow his pants) TAKE A LOOK AT THIS YOU FRIGGIN ALIENS! (Bonnie walks outside) Peter: Hiya Bonnie. This is my friend Big Fat Paulie..... an ah.... This is his Big Fat Ass... |
Anthony Ferrentino | 03/11/2003 | 20:38 |
| Stewie | Stewie: You know my hooligan friend,I've been wraking my brain in a thus far thrutless attempt to resolve our recent unpleasentness, and then it dawned on me! Your cruelty merely stands from some deep seated inner pain. So the obvious remedy is a healthy dose of outer pain!! | Anthony Ferrentino | 03/10/2003 | 16:45 |
| Peter | Jamacian Leader: This meeting of the United Nations is here by conviened.
Peter: Ahh this sucks. Hey podeium guy I got a problem problem here! Albanian Leader: Excuse me, some of us are here to learn! Peter: No ones talkin to you Albania. |
Anthony Ferrentino | 03/10/2003 | 16:33 |
| Peter | Peter: Come on give Chris a break. No TV. So he failed a class. It's not
like he felt up his cousin that thanksgiving in our garage when I was
nineteen. |
Anthony Ferrentino | 03/10/2003 | 16:24 |
| Stewie | Stewie: I'll do to you the same thing I did to John Lennon! [flashback] Stewie: John, this is Yoko; Yoko, John. |
Rodrigo | 03/10/2003 | 12:04 |
| Peter | Peter: Seriously, what's you friend' name? Gore: Dick Armey. [Peter laughs hysterically] Peter: Yeah, right, and his wife's name is Vagina Coastguard... |
Rodrigo | 03/10/2003 | 11:59 |
| Tom Tucker | ...and a bit of turmoil in the White House today when President Bush stuck his finger in an electrical socket. When asked about the incident Bush responded, "Dick Cheney told me that's where leprechauns hide their gold." | Brian S. | 03/10/2003 | 00:29 |
| Tom Tucker | It's a bird, it's a plane, it's a middle-class Irish family. | Laura | 03/9/2003 | 23:46 |
| Peter | Make like Siamese twins and split... and then one of you die | Laura | 03/9/2003 | 23:45 |
| N/A | Peter (to meg): I've got you a story meg Peter (to lois): i challenge you to a race around the world .. GO! |
Tab | 03/9/2003 | 11:51 |
| N/A | American General: Attention President Griffin, As you may presently
yourself fully be aware of, my grmmar sucks. But more importantly, Were
about to commense operation bomb the crap out of your house. The guy who
thinks up the names is on vacation. FIRE! (Missle lands in Quagmires house) American General: The guy who aims is in the John. Ah, there he is. Next ones comin right at your house |
Anthony Ferrentino | 03/9/2003 | 01:00 |
| N/A | Miss Stratford: I just have a few questions for you. Did you incur any
medical expenses this year? Peter: you can write off medical stuff. If I'd known that I wouldn't have gone to that discount surgeon (Flashback) Doctor: I'm not sure which one to cut here. Peter: Ok. Just relax. Try the green one to that purple one. (flatline) Doctor: Oh God! Peter: That kill me? Ok. I was afraid of that. Try the red one and the blue one. |
Anthony Ferrentino | 03/9/2003 | 00:55 |
| N/A | Peter: Oh yea well I'm getting something realy special too. And by
special I don't mean special like that Cliderman boy down the street. More
like.... Special K, the cereal. Hey what did they do with the regular K? And
for that matter what ever hsppened to K Ballard? You know if you said
Mallard and you had a cold, it would sound like ballard. Brian: Do you even listen to yourself talk? Peter: I drift in and out. |
Anthony Ferrentino | 03/9/2003 | 00:52 |
| N/A | Stewie: I never knew biscuit as a dog but I knew her as a table. Steady,
all four legs the same length. Brian; That's enough. Stewie: Oh yes terra pax requiem and so forth. |
Anthony Ferrentino | 03/9/2003 | 00:45 |
| Peter | Trishia Tuckinawa: So your saying your not only a bad father,but a bad
husband too? Interviewer #1: Do you have the moral authority to leave? Peter: Yes, no, and Screw it I resign. |
Anthony Ferrentino | 03/9/2003 | 00:37 |
| N/A | Peter: (TV ad) Lois Griffin is a slut. Lois: What? Peter: Hi. I'm Peter Griffin. You know I grew up in this town. Quahog needs a moral upstanding president. Someone we can trust. Well a lot of nasty things have been said in this campaign but pictures are better than words because some words are big and hard to understand. |
Anthony Ferrentino | 03/9/2003 | 00:26 |
| Peter | Trisha: Well Tom the eggs being dropped behind me are not chicken eggs
but rather the eggs of the endangered California condor. Peter: Welcome back Fargas. Lois: Oh my God. He's gonna wipe that species off the face of the earth. Peter: No the janitor will do that. |
Anthony Ferrentino | 03/9/2003 | 00:15 |
| N/A | Peter: Geeze what happened to you. Someone give you a funectamy. Mr.Fargas: No, they gave me these by order of the school board. they said it evens me out. Sorry to fly off the handle like that. Peter: This is what I think of them giving you chill pills. (throws pills away) Now get back in there and teach your farging ass off. |
Anthony Ferrentino | 03/9/2003 | 00:11 |
| N/A | Peter: Hey Lois. you seen my pants. (laughter from studio audience) Boy
will I be glad when that studio audience moves out of town. Peter: Hey Lois. What's with the sign. Lois: Peter, we discussed this. I'm running for school board president. You never listen to me. Peter: Oh yeah. I remember. Hey Cleveland, hey Quagmire...Hey Lois, what's with the sign? Brian: You guys. Chris' principal just called. Chris is in trouble. Studio Audience: Ooooohhhh. Peter: Oh. that's it I'm calling the cops. |
Anthony Ferrentino | 03/9/2003 | 00:07 |
| N/A | Meg: Please dad. My road test is tomorrow and you haven't taught me
anything. Brian: You may want to find a better teacher than Peter. Peter: What are you talking about. I'm a great driver. Brian: Remember you trip to the southwest. (Flashback) Peter: Oh geeze did I just hit that ostrage. Willie Coyote: No, no he's fine. Keep going. |
Anthony Ferrentino | 03/9/2003 | 00:01 |
| Peter | Meg: This is humiliating. Peter; Hey it's show business. You gotta start somewhere. Meg: No I don't. I quit. Peter: Hey come back here. Don't you start running. Don't get in that cab. Don't you go to La Guardia. Don't you get on that plane. Don't you dare shell out five bucks for headphones for Steel Magnolias. Now I'm pissed. |
Anthony Ferrentino | 03/9/2003 | 00:00 |
| N/A | Lois: Peter, how did you eat our years supply of food in 10 minutes? Peter: Yea and it wasnt worth it, im still hungry! (Peter gets really fat and is about 10 feet tall) Peter: Everybody leave, I have to poop... GET OUT, GET OUT, GET OUT!! |
Anthony Ferrentino | 03/8/2003 | 18:49 |
| Peter | Peter: I dont get it Brian, how come I have to pay my bill, Im fine! Brian: Yea its a shame your not dying. Peter: Brian that's it! They can't make a dead guy pay his bill. All I have to do is write deceased right here where it says name. And where it says sex, I'll say no thanks I'm dead. It's bullet proof! |
Anthony Ferrentino | 03/8/2003 | 13:50 |
| Stewie | (Peter sells his house, and Stewie is playing a board game with the New
owners) Owner: Ok lets play Pictionary! (Stewie drawing a picture) Owner: Ok, JACKAL? JACKAL? ITS A JACKAL. IS IT A JACKAL? IT KINDA LOOKS LIKE A JACKAL! IS IT A JACKAL? owners wife: TIME! Stewie: It wasnt a Jackal the first hundred times, why the hell would it be a Jackal the next hundred times? (leaves the room) Stewie:..... God! |
Anthony Ferrentino | 03/8/2003 | 13:43 |
| N/A | Meg: Dad I'm finally going to be a flag girl! Brian: Well thats terrific Meg. Stewie: Ah yes yes..... Well, now we know where you'll be when the boys don't call! Stewie and Brian: (snorting and laughing like nerds) |
Anthony Ferrentino | 03/8/2003 | 13:05 |
| Brian and Stewie | (Stewie and Brian prank calling a show the family is on) Diane: Alright here's our first caller. Hello your on Diane. Stewie: Hello. Do you have Prince Albert in a can? Brian: ah Ha Ha Ha HA!!!! Stewie: Quiet, Quiet, shut up, shut up. Stewie: Well you'd better let him out! Brian and Stewie: Ah Ha Ha HA !!!! Brian: Oh that was hilarious! |
Anthony Ferrentino | 03/8/2003 | 13:03 |
| N/A | Stewie: There you are! What the hell is this? Lois: Hunny that's tuna salad. Stewie: Is that what it is? Really? I could have sworn it was mayonnaise and cat food... Heres 50 cents. Next time your out shopping why don't you splurge on a tin of solid white Albacore? |
Anthony Ferrentino | 03/8/2003 | 13:00 |
| Death/Lois | (Death and Lois sit at a table , playing the game of life) Lois: Its your turn, Death. Death: You know I should find this ironic, but really im just BORED AS HELL...(looks away) Hey how old is this TV? You could prolly get the Doomont Network on this thing. Lois:..You know Peter is a good man, could you find it in your heare to spare his lif- Death: HEY what did you make this cocoa out of? CRAP!? Lois: If you want me to make it again i wi- Death: Sorry Lois, its my fault. I just assumed you would make it out of Milk, not CRAP! |
GuiLLerMo | 03/7/2003 | 23:58 |
| N/A | Lois: Stewie are you upset because you went wee wee on the carpet? Stewie: What did you just say? Peter: hey Lios I..... (Smells) hey'd you pee in here? Stewie: Not now! What did you just say? Lois: Peter I think Stewie is having a potty training problem Stewie: Bend down mother... ( :: Smacks her with glove:: ) Stewie: HOW DARE YOU SORRY MY GOOD NAME BY SPREADING YOUR SLANDERISH FILTH!! Lois: Stewie no hitting, use your words. Stewie: Well! The outrages i've suffered today will not be soon forgotten. I will not be forgetting.... those outrages, NO NO!! No they won't be forgotten not the- Brian: Yea the outrages, I think we got it. |
Anthony Ferrentino | 03/7/2003 | 17:03 |
| Peter | (Peter and the family going to New York because of Scouts) Peter: New York will be great! The scouts won't know what hit em'! (Pulls out and runs into a car) Peter: And ah....... neither will that guy... |
Anthony Ferrentino | 03/7/2003 | 16:55 |
| Peter | Oh, you people can kiss the fattest part of my ass! |
Dave | 03/7/2003 | 16:43 |
| N/A | Chris: Brown is the color of poo! Brian: Yes, Yes it is. |
nbvjsbreg | 03/7/2003 | 02:26 |
| Peter | My name is uhhhhhh (looks at somones plate with a solitary pea on it) pea, (looks at someone crying) tear, (sees a griffin flying accross the room) Griffin. Peter Griffin, OH CRAP. | Keeeeee | 03/7/2003 | 02:18 |
| Tom Tucker | Tom Tucker: We now go live to Diane being a bitch.........Diane | HEad | 03/7/2003 | 02:14 |
| Stewie | Blast you and your estragenical tyranny!! | Grover | 03/7/2003 | 02:02 |
| Snyder and Anne | (Brian home by himself for the weekend) TV: I have figured out the cure for longer life in canines. The answer is- WE INTERRUPT THIS PROGRAM TO BRING YOU SEVERAL EPISODES OF ONE DAY AT A TIME Anne: Damit Julie, Ive waited so long to get that dam sink fixed! Snyder: Oh I'll fix your sink alright. And by fix your sink, I'll have sex with you. And by have sex with you i mean ill put my penis in your vagina. And by vagina i mean the thing between your legs. And by the thing between your legs i mean.... well i guess thats self explanitory. |
Anthony Ferrentino | 03/6/2003 | 22:12 |
| Griffins and man in audience | (The Griffins get super powers) Lois: Its obvious we've accquired super powers. Wether its Stewies Telekinesis, Chris's fire conjuring, Peters morphing ability, Brians super speed, MY SUPER STRENGTH!, or Megs super amazing, ability to grow her finger nails... (Later in the episode) (Peter turns into a T-REX) Peter: If you don't meet our demands, you'll all be destroyed! Meg: OR ELSE! (Grows her nails) Man in audience: Hey is that all you could do? (Meg scratches him) Man in audience: OUCH! hey is that bleeding? No no I think its ok, but ouch though! |
Anthony Ferrentino | 03/6/2003 | 21:56 |
| N/A | (Peter lost all his bones) Peter: Well I know its gunna be different, ya know me not having bones and all. But ah, its alright. Chris: Dads like silly puddy! Look what I can do to Barbra Walters face! Peter: That's right son Take her down a peg! Stewie: Look, Im making an angel! Peter: See Lois, the kide like it! Stewie: Now smile while I write my name in you! |
N/A | 03/6/2003 | 21:50 |
| Peter and Brian | (Brian in dog show) Brian: What is this trick? Peter: I put this treat on your nose, and you beg. Brian: woah woah, i didnt agree to that! Peter: Come on, just do it for me. Brian: No, I quit! Peter: Hey you can't do that! Get back here! Peter: I mean go. Run away. (Brian gives him the finger) That's right, Flip me off... good boy! |
Anthony Ferrentino | 03/6/2003 | 21:42 |
| Peter and Quagmire | (Peter in special episode, "Lil Griffs") Peter: Its so creepy in here! (Howling Noise) Cleveland: What was that? Peter: It sounded like a wolf! Quagmire: Oh it's just Michael Winslow from police academy. |
Anthony Ferrentino | 03/6/2003 | 21:29 |
| Peter and Mean Guy | Mean guy: Thats it pal, I'm gunna break every bone in your body! Peter: I WISH I HAD NO BONES! Gini: Done! :: Clap, Clap :: Peter: Ah ha ha! Uh oh... I have to fart, but I don't know which way to lean. |
Anthony Ferrentino | 03/6/2003 | 21:26 |
| Chris and Stewie | (Stewie and Chris looking at magazine) Stewie: Now what Jughead has done here, is actually quite genius. He's painted pupils on his eyelids, so he can sleep though class! Mrs.Grundi isn't any the wiser! Chris: AH HA HA! He's sleeping! |
Anthony Ferrentino | 03/6/2003 | 21:24 |
| Stewie and Brian | (Brian and Stewie are stuck in Palm Springs) Stewie: Alright get Lois on the phone, have her wire us some money. Brian: I, A- Uh oh! (Brian Drunk) Stewie: Fine i'll call. Thats right you have to punch in the numbers these days. Lets see... 867-5309. No thats not right. DAMN YOU TOMMY 2 TONE! Ok. 111-1111... Lois? Damn! 111-1112.... Lois? Damn. 111-1113- |
Anthony Ferrentino | 03/6/2003 | 21:21 |
| Peter, LINDBEURGHS | Peter: Lois I think stewie is a little young to earley to get potty
trained. You know what happened to the Limbeurgh baby? (SCENE OF CHARLES LIMBEURGH) Mrs.L: Don't you think shes a little young? Mr.L: Honey will you relax? god I flew over the Atlantic Im a national treasure for god sake! I think I know how to- (Baby goes down the toilet drain) Mr.L: Oh god Oh GOD!! Alright.... she was kidnapped. You call the police, and ill write the ransom note. Mrs.L: What about Amelia, she saw everything? Mr.L: you leave her to me! |
Anthony Ferrentino | 03/6/2003 | 08:35 |
| Quagmire | You could whore yourself out to 1000 fat chicks for 50 bucks a piece.
or 50 really fat chicks for 1000 bucks a piece. fat chicks need love too you know, they just have to pay for it |
nbvjsbreg | 03/6/2003 | 02:27 |
| Peter | Ok kids, i dont want anyone swimming in this pool without a life guard
on duty. hehehe doodie. hehehe Diarrhoea Hey Lois! Lois: what? Peter: Diarrhoea! |
bawa69 | 03/5/2003 | 21:25 |
| Stewie | (stewie rings three different bells, 3 servents apear) You! fetch me the Wall Street Journal. YOu two! Fight to the death! |
bawa69 | 03/5/2003 | 21:21 |
| Quagmire | I felt guilty once...but then she woke up half way through | Nate | 03/5/2003 | 20:43 |
| Narrator in video | (Peter and Lois watching a video about gun safety) Man on the video= MOV: Wait a minute, I thought guns were bad? Narrator: FALSE! Guns are good. Did you know Jesus and Moses used guns to conqure the Romans? MOV: Well thats good Narrator: WARNING! Guns are extremly dangerous. Do not use, clean, own, or opperate guns at any time! Peter: See Lois thay're responsible! |
Anthony Ferrentino | 03/5/2003 | 18:24 |
| Peter and Stewie | (Stewie getting potty trained) Stewie: Put your ha nds right here. (Pause) Stewie: It will help me relax! Peter: Okay buddy! (Slams lid on Peters hands) Peter: Ahh! Hey maybe you don't need to pee. I should just give you some beer, goes right though ya! Stewie: Great and while we're at why don't we light up a dooby and watch porn? Peter: (Looks both ways as if confused) Ya-.... Ya? |
Anthony Ferrentino | 03/5/2003 | 18:20 |
| Peter and Lois | Lois: Peter this will give you and Stewie a chance to bond. Peter: BOND? James Bond. Alright Lois I'll Do it! |
Anthony Ferrentino | 03/5/2003 | 18:17 |
| PETER LOIS | Peter: Uh oh, this isn't another one of those interventions is it? (FLASHBACK) Lois: Peter, you've been wearing that solid foam cowboy hat for 9 months. Please, for your family, take it off! Peter: Hey I can take this hat off any time I want, I just don't want to. (Friends coming to take off the hat) Peter: GET AWAY! |
Anthony Ferrentino | 03/5/2003 | 18:16 |
| Brian, Peter | Peter: Hay Brian, If cops are pigs, does that make you a snausage? Brian: Thats clever Peter, did you stay up all night thinking of that? Peter: Naw I got to bed around 2,2:30 |
Anthony Ferrentino | 03/5/2003 | 18:08 |
| Brian's actor, Stewie, Lois | (A PICTURE IS WORTH 1,000 BUCKS) Actor Brian: Hi everybody I- Lois: (Lois whispers) "Camera 2" Actor Brian: Hi everybody I was hungry and no one woke me up for breakfast. Stewie: Are you going to eat or would you rather lick your own ass as usual? (LONG PAUSE) Stewie: Im- Im sure you have something to say to that,Hmm? Actor Brian: Oh I forgot my line. Could you tell me it, not the whole thing, just the end of it. Stewie: OK lets cut. Now your sleeping with which produccer? God when my movie deal kicks in I am such a ghost. |
Anthony Ferrentino | 03/5/2003 | 18:03 |
| Gameshow host | (Griffins Watching TV) GAMESHOW HOST: Forgetful Fred was so forgetful. CROWD: HOW FORGETFUL WAS HE? GAMESHOW HOST: He was so forgetful, every time someone asked him a question, he drew a BLANK? |
Anthony Ferrentino | 03/5/2003 | 17:55 |
| Lois and Peter | Lois: Peter did you get a new buttox? Peter: I had to. My old one had a crack in it! |
Anthony Ferrentino | 03/5/2003 | 17:52 |
| peter, lois, brian | (Peter and Brian are up all night drinking) Lois:Peter something terrible is going to happen to you. Peter: Yeah, something terrible... all the way to the bank! Brian:Nice. |
Corney | 03/5/2003 | 15:25 |
| Lois and Peter | Lois: Peter are you drunk? Peter: NO, I'm just tired cause I've been up all night drinking. |
C-Ross | 03/5/2003 | 15:21 |
| Choomba Whoomba | (at the willy wonka but beer factory, the oompa loopas are known as
choomba whoombas and sing) Choomba Whoomba gobble dee doo, life isin't fair if its sad but its true, choomba whoomba gobble dee dee, when your 4 legs are stiff as a tree, what do you do when ur stuck in a chair, you get up and fix your greasy long hair... |
MAB | 03/4/2003 | 21:49 |
| Peter | But Chris, everything I say is a lie. Exept that, and that, and that, and that, and that..... and that | MAB | 03/4/2003 | 21:40 |
| N/A | Quagmire: Hey Meg, 18 yet? Meg: No Quagmire: Hey Chris, how's it goin'? Chris: Well I- Quagmire: (walking away) Alright! |
N/A | 03/4/2003 | 14:21 |
| N/A | Guy: You can take the boat...or the mystery box! Lois: What are you kidding? We'll take the boat! Peter: Whoa whoa hold on Lois. A boat's a boat, but the mystery box, it could be anything. It could even be a boat. You know how much we've wanted one of those! Lois: Then why don't- Peter: We'll take the box! |
Jim Small | 03/4/2003 | 14:14 |
| Stewie | Dammit to pus spewing blood gutted hell! | Paragon | 03/3/2003 | 06:32 |
| N/A | Lois: I tried finding my creativity like you said. First I took an art
class... [flashback to art class] Peter: Am I... am I supposed to draw the penis? [back to Peter and Lois] Then I tried sculpting... [flashback to sculpting class] Peter: Am I... am I supposed to sculpt the penis? [back to Peter and Lois] Then I tried music... [flashback to music class] Am I... am I supposed to conduct with my penis? |
Bumgravy | 02/28/2003 | 19:13 |
| N/A | Stewie (speaking into mind control headset): Alright, now walk up to the
counter. That's it... ring the bell. Shopkeep: Well hi there. Stewie: Good day, shopkeep. Chris: Good day shopkeep, I require a hand-operated buzzsaw capable of cutting through a human sternum. Shopkeep: What? Chris: It's for a school project, I'm some sort of student sent here for... oh blast what the devil do they study? uh... Latin class. Shopkeep: Uhh, sorry kid, I can't sell power tools to minors. Chris: Now look here you gore-bellied codpiece. Allow me to purchase the provisions I demand or I'll form your blue collar into a red one and- Who the deuce are you? No I don't have any spare change. Where the hell would I keep it? In my diaper? Get out of here you hobo. Oh bloody hell, is this thing still on? |
455/\/\0|\||<3Y | 02/26/2003 | 00:46 |
| Peter | That's it! I'm suing you for sexual harrassment [takes his dad's hand and puts it on his ass] | higgly diggly | 02/23/2003 | 22:30 |
| Quagmire | [after seeing girl all tied up in a bathroom stall] Dear diary, ...score! |
smiggle | 02/23/2003 | 22:29 |
| Chris | [after seeing the drug rehab center] WOW! No wonder why people do drugs! |
smiggle | 02/23/2003 | 22:28 |
| Peter | Oh my GOD you said the secret word! (ridiculous) | smiggle | 02/23/2003 | 22:27 |
| N/A | PETER: Hey Stewie, I see your bum. STEWIE: Well, take a good look, fat man, and while you're at it take pictures, so I'll have something to take to court, you flithy wretched pervert! |
Mr. Bob | 02/22/2003 | 14:15 |
| N/A | Brian reminds Peter that he's not a very good liar. Cut to Peter and
some other guy in an elevator. Other guy: Sniffs at the air and looks at Peter. Peter: Looks around innocently then points at the other guy saying, "Uh... it was you." |
Judas | 02/22/2003 | 13:15 |
| Stewie | [In the bath-tub when the water turns to blood due to one of the 7
plagues] This is positively delightful! It's like someone stabbed Mr. Bubble! |
Jesse | 02/21/2003 | 19:29 |
| Peter | Yo, did y'all check me when that hottie was all up in my Kool-Aid? Yeah, I was looking to break off a little somethin' somethin' but my crew gave me the 411 on that skank and she's all about the bling-bling |
jesse_lady_guy | 02/21/2003 | 16:20 |
| Peter | Excuse me is your refrigerator running,cuz if it is then it probly runs like you...very ...homosexually! | jesse_lady_guy | 02/21/2003 | 16:19 |
| Peter/Lois | Peter: If I didn't use his painting to patch that window he would still
be in that dump in Quahog! Lois: That 'dump' is our home! Peter: Dump? So now YOU are too good for us TOO! Lois: This is a once in a lifetime opportunity for Chris, not YOU. Are you so selfish you can't see that? Peter: Yes I am! |
Roy den Boer | 02/21/2003 | 10:21 |
| N/A | Old Man: Ya like popsicles? Chris: Well, sure! Old Man: Then you need to come on down to the cellar. I got a whole freezer full of popsicles....mmmmmmm! Chris: No thanks, I gotta get goin' Old Man: Aw, don't make me beg now. Chris: Hahaha, your funny, bye! Old Man: Get your fat ass back here! |
Vincent | 02/18/2003 | 22:10 |
| N/A | Peter: If we don't get enough airtime, I'll never get my own spin-off
where I'm a retired baseball umpire who opens a bar... in the center of the
earth. [Theme song music plays] Peter(as bartender-umpire): Say! We don't get many of you molten-rock men in here... Rock-man: Well, at these prices, I'm not surprised. Peter: That's it buddy, YOU.....ARE....OUTTA HERE! [Crowd cheers] |
Alux | 02/17/2003 | 12:34 |
| Stewie | I'd do her... do her... wouldn't do her.... Whew! who hasn't done her?! ...Lose the pigtails and we'll talk... | Daverimo | 02/16/2003 | 01:50 |
| Stewie | I'm freezing my nips off out here! | Al Pat | 02/16/2003 | 01:48 |
| Stewie | Omnipotence... Yes. Got to get me some of that. | Doug | 02/15/2003 | 18:59 |
| Cap'n Crunch | Mafia Leader: You come to me, and ask me to kill a man i do not know.
Now i ask you, why should i kill this.......Count Cocula? Cap'n Crunch: Because that Son-of-Bitch has been spreading lies, my cereal does not cut the roof of your mouth.........with all respect. |
Dr. Suess | 02/13/2003 | 22:36 |
| Lois | Lois: Come on Meg the competition is this Sunday and your not even close
to ready Meg: Well maybe If you loosened my chains Lois: We tried that, remember honey? You can't be trusted |
Dr. Suess | 02/13/2003 | 22:32 |
| Peter / Chumba-Wumba's | [After The willy wonka look alike guy says peter and brian are being
kicked out] Peter: Awww,come on. don't I at least get a Chumba-Wumba song? Willy Wonka: ehhhhh...........fine [Plays the flute] [Chumba-Wumba's enter and start singing] Chumba's: Chumba-Wumba Gobbl- [kicks Peter in the knee] Peter: HHhhhhhhsssssssssssss ahhhhhhhhhhhhhh HHhhhhhhsssssssssssss ahhhhhhhhhhhhhh HHhhhhhhsssssssssssss ahhhhhhhhhhhhhh |
Dr. Suess | 02/13/2003 | 22:28 |
| Peter | [Peter running home after he wins the contest to tour the brewery, then
trips and falls on his knee on the sidewalk] Peter: HHhhhhhhsssssssssssss ahhhhhhhhhhhhhh HHhhhhhhsssssssssssss ahhhhhhhhhhhhhh HHhhhhhhsssssssssssss ahhhhhhhhhhhhhh HHhhhhhhsssssssssssss ahhhhhhhhhhhhhh HHhhhhhhsssssssssssss ahhhhhhhhhhhhhh HHhhhhhhsssssssssssss ahhhhhhhhhhhhhh HHhhhhhhsssssssssssss ahhhhhhhhhhhhhh |
Dr. Suess | 02/13/2003 | 22:24 |
| Stewie | What the hell is this! I said egg whites only! Are you trying to give me
a bloody heart attack! [throws eggs at the wall] Make it again!!! [later in the confessions] Ah... the breakfast thing.. heh. Yes, it wasn't even about the eggs, really. Frankly I like the yokes. I.. I don't.. I have no problem. It's just there has always been a lot of tension between Lois and me. And it's not so much that I want to kill her, it's just-- i want her not to be alive, anymore. I sometimes wonder if all women are this difficult, and then I think to myself, My G-d! Wouldn't it be marvelous if I turned out to be a homosexual. |
Shai | 02/13/2003 | 21:33 |
| N/A | [Watching the painter with the afro] Afro Painter:We're gonna put a happy little bush right down over here, in the corner here. And that will just be our little secret, and if you tell anyone that that bush is there, I will come to your house and I will cut you. Peter: Oh geez..mine doesn't look anything like his.. ah the hell with it.... [Family Ties music] |
Shai | 02/13/2003 | 21:23 |
| Peter/Meg | Peter: I can't believe you'd do this to us Meg. Maybe now I won't give
you the antidote. Meg: To what? Peter: To the poison you just drank.. ah ha ha ha.... |
Shai | 02/13/2003 | 21:18 |
| N/A | Diane: Erica it's time for Mario's little confession. Mario: Erica, you know I love you, but I gotta come clean. I'm.. I'm not really a man, I'm a woman. Erica:Oh my Gad you're a woman! Mario:Well, actually I'm not really a woman, I'm a horse. Erica: Oh my Gad you're a horse! Mario:Actually i'm not really a horse I'm a broom Diane:ok ok... so how do you feel Erica: To be honest with you Diane, I'm surprised. |
Shai | 02/13/2003 | 21:16 |
| Stewie | The ruptured capilaries in your nose belie the clarity of your wisdom.
I hope my heart warm thanks will keep you warn for the next 10 years... IN FROZEN CARBONITE! |
a correction. | 02/13/2003 | 20:41 |
| N/A | Chinese man: (talking in chinese loudly then stops) -long pause- (Peter farts) |
N/A | 02/12/2003 | 23:15 |
| Stewie | You'll have a hard time trying to fly the plane when you're ...ENCASED IN CARBONITE!!!! | Lenny | 02/9/2003 | 16:42 |
| Stewie | That was then, this is now; and thats a chair and thats a lamp, and you have boobs and I'M GOING TO GET THAT TROPHY. | Davick | 01/31/2003 | 09:09 |
| N/A | Lois: What's going on? Stewie: We're playing house. Lois: The boy is all tied up. Stewie: Roman Polanski's house. |
Jules | 01/15/2003 | 10:28 |
| Stewie | (while eating a waffle) OH!!! Mmm yes, oh God this is better than SEX!
|
Jules | 01/15/2003 | 10:26 |
| N/A | Peter: I've been watching television so much the shows are starting to
run together! Announcer: And now, Homicide: Life on Sesame Street! Bert: [Answering phone] Hello? Son of a bitch. I'm on my way. [Gets out of bed and gets dressed] Bert: Some poor bastard got his head blown off down at a place called Hooper's. Ernie: Bert, I wish you wouldn't drink so much, Bert. Bert: Well, Ernie, I wish you wouldn't eat cookies in the DAMN BED!!!!!! Ernie: Bert, you're shouting again, Bert. |
Jules | 01/15/2003 | 10:25 |
| Stewie | So, what do you think of this "Music Television? | Jules | 01/15/2003 | 10:23 |
| Stewie | [To ticket agent] Now look here... [looks at agent's name tag] Jo-LENE!
I have an army to raise and I must get to Managua at once! I require a
window seat and an in-flight Happy Meal. BUT NO PICKLES! OH, GOD HELP YOU IF
I FIND PICKLES! |
Jules | 01/15/2003 | 10:22 |
| N/A | Lois: Peter, what did you promise me? Peter: That I wouldn't drink at the party. Lois: And what did you do? Peter Griffin: Drank at the pa-- ...Whoa! I almost walked into that one! |
Jules | 01/15/2003 | 10:19 |
| Peter | Peter: Make like Siamese twins and split...and then one of you die. | Lori | 12/29/2002 | 23:30 |
| chris | Chris - They Have This Game Where You Put In A Dollar, And You Win 4
Quarters. I Win Every Time! |
michaelo | 12/26/2002 | 23:50 |
| Quagmire | "What's going on I was just jerk...ed out of a good sleep" | KB | 12/24/2002 | 02:56 |
| Stewie | Girl: "You are the weakest link. Goodbye!" Stewie: Oh gosh that's funny. That's really funny. Do you write your own material? Do you? Because that is so fresh. "You are the weakest link, Goodbye!" I've never heard anyone make that joke before. Mmm. You're the first. I've never heard anyone reference, um reference that outside the program before. Because that's what she says on the show, right? "You are the weakest link, Goodbye!" And yet you've taken that, and used it out of context, to insult me in this everyday situation. Gosh, what a clever, smart girl you must be, to come up with a joke like that by your self. Mmm. That's so fresh, too. Any Titanic jokes you want to throw at me while we're hitting these phenomena at the height of their popularity? Because I'm right here. God you're so funny! |
KB | 12/24/2002 | 02:55 |
| N/A | Irish Cop: I'm Joe. My legs don't work but I make up for it by having a
very strong upper body. Joe: Hehehe, well I do say that. |
Jordan | 12/9/2002 | 03:45 |
| N/A | Chris: Dad, I tried to go to school but a man won't let me. Peter: Oh yeah, him and what army?!? Chris: The U.S. army. Peter. Oh, that's a good army. |
Jordan | 12/8/2002 | 07:42 |
| Peter | [Peter falls through the roof] Peter: There's a crunchberry under the fridge. |
Jordan | 12/8/2002 | 07:41 |
| Peter | Math Ha MAth my Dear boy is nothing just the lesbian sister of biology | N/A | 12/6/2002 | 02:37 |
| Peter | Why do women have boobs?? Cuz it gives you something to look at when your talking to them! | Mark | 11/15/2002 | 21:50 |
| N/A | Drug Clinic Manager: Wait a minute Brian, you have a preexisting
relationship with this degenerate? Peter: A degenerate am I?? Well you are a festisio.... See I can make up words too sister. |
Steve | 11/12/2002 | 22:25 |
| N/A | Peter: Hey, hey, Brian. If cops are pigs, does that make you a snausage.
Hehahehe. Brian: Ha.. Clever Peter. Did you stay up all night writing that? Peter: Nah.. I got to bed around two, two thirty. |
Steve | 11/12/2002 | 22:20 |
| N/A | (Stewie on Kids Say the Darndest Things) Cosby: Stewie, now that's a funny name. It's like a stew only with a weeee at the end. (Audience Laughs) Stewie: Hmm. Cosby: Now I meant it's funny Stewie. See I used to have an uncle named Stewie and he used to sell bicylces. Stewie: Look, look, I'm sorry, aren't you supposed to be asking me a question. Cosby: Stewy, what do you think candy is made out of? Stewie: Sunshine and Farts, what the hell kinda question is that? Cosby: I love candy. When i was a little boy we used to play stickball! Stewie: (long pause) Oh no, I'll wait.... Oh are you finished? No it's my fault really. I was under the impression the name of the show was 'Kids Say the Darndest Things', not 'Old Black Comedians Never Shut the Hell Up'. |
Steve | 11/12/2002 | 22:12 |
| N/A | Lawyer: Mr. Griffin, which of the following two phrases best describes
Brian Griffin; Problem Drinker, or African American Habberdasher? Peter: Umm.. I ..I guess problem drinker but thats.. Lawyer: Thank you. Now; Sexual Deviant, or magic picture that if you stare at it long enough you see something? Peter: Well sexual deviant, but that other ones not even.. Lawyer: Thank you. |
Steve | 11/12/2002 | 22:01 |
| N/A | Peter: Yeah, I'm looking for toilet training books. Salesman: Oh yes we can help you there. 'Everyone Poops' is still the standard of course. We've also got the less popular 'Nobody Poops But You'. Peter: Huh.. well... you see... we're Catholic so... uh... Salesman: Oh well than you want 'You're a Naughty Child and that's Concentrated Evil Coming Out of the Back of You' Peter: Perfect! |
N/A | 11/12/2002 | 21:52 |
| Peter | Dear MacGyver, enclosed is a rubber band, a paper clip and a drinking
straw... please save my dog. |
Steve | 11/12/2002 | 21:43 |
| Chris | I never knew anyone who went crazy before...except my invisible friend Colonel Schwartz (Lois looks at Chris puzzled) | Paul | 08/30/2002 | 08:12 |
| Peter | Oh yeah, Lois? Well if I'm a child than you know what that makes you? A pedophile. And I'm not going to stand here and take advice from a pervert. | Edyth | 08/18/2002 | 12:35 |
| N/A | Lois: Peter! I care as much about the size as your penis as you do about
the size of my breasts. Peter: OH MY GOD!!! [Runs out of the room crying] |
Smoo | 08/11/2002 | 21:10 |
| N/A | [Flashback about Peter and Lois' lack of communication. Both looking out
at a sunset] Lois: Oh Peter, I love you. Peter: Eh, about a quarter past five. |
Smoo | 08/11/2002 | 20:57 |
| N/A | Peter: Ok, here's another riddle. A woman has two children. A homicidal
murderer tells her she can only keep one. Which one does she let him kill?
Brian: That's... that's not a riddle. That's... that's just terrible. Peter: Wrong, the ugly one! |
Danno | 07/21/2002 | 21:58 |
| N/A | Peter: Hey, is the Count a vampire? Brian: What's that? Peter: Well he's got these big fangs. Have they ever shown him doin' somebody in and then feedin' on em? Brian: You're- you're asking me if they've ever done a Sesame Street in which the Count kills somebody and then sucks their blood for sustenance Peter: Yeah. Brian: No, they've never done that. |
Johnny D | 07/21/2002 | 21:56 |
| N/A | Quagmire: Hey there Gorgeous, how old are you? Connie: 16 Quagmire: 18? Connie: Mom! Quagmire: I Like where this is goin' |
Danno | 07/21/2002 | 21:55 |
| N/A | Lois: For the last time Peter, you're the producer, NOT the director.
Peter: Well then what am I supposed to do with all these great ideas of mine? Put them in a tub and wash myself with them......because that's what soap is for Lois |
Johnny D | 07/21/2002 | 21:52 |
| Peter | Peter: Brian! There's a message in my Alpha Bits! It says 'ooooooo'! Brian: Peter, those are Cheerios. |
Lizzie B | 07/10/2002 | 14:47 |
| a pilot to Peter | You're not a pilot; I know every pilot in the world! | Ariel | 05/28/2002 | 22:56 |
| Peter | Lois: Maybe we should put him in daycare. Peter: Lois, his answers are out on the open road. I say we give him a hobo pack on the end of a stick, a can of beans, and a pocket full of dreams! Lois: Peter, do you even know which one of our children I'm talking about? Peter: Uh... Gordon? |
Shannon | 04/30/2002 | 17:34 |
| N/A | Lois: Oh, I'm a terrible mother! Stewie: Ha! I've got it all on tape. (takes out tape recorder and pushes play) Stewie's voice on tape:OK, OK, this is me interviewing Johnny Carson. How are we doing today Mr. Carson? We have a really great show. OK, OK, and now a word from our sponsors. (Stewie quickly shuts off tape.) Stewie: I was, I was making radio shows for fun. Everyone does it, at least everyone I know...STOP LOOKING AT ME! |
Casey | 04/30/2002 | 14:10 |
| Brian | Brian: They're not kids, they're midgets! Filthy, drug-peddling midgets! | Shannon | 04/30/2002 | 00:39 |
| Stewie | Stewie: What the deuce?! | Shannon | 04/30/2002 | 00:36 |
| N/A | Lois: You should spend more time with our kids, Peter, and with me. Peter: Uh, what could me and you do together? [Lois giggles] Peter: Lois! You've got a sick mind! Lois: Peter, I'm talking about making love. Peter: Oh! I thought you wanted us to murder the children and harvest their organs for beer money. |
Rich | 04/28/2002 | 15:37 |
| N/A | Brian: Ah! You speak English. Mexican guy: No, just that first speech and this one explaining it. Brian: You're kidding, right? Mexican guy: ¿Que? |
Kevin | 04/18/2002 | 23:16 |
| Peter | Lois, our relationship can't be measured in nipples and dimes. ... Nickels and boobs. ... Money. | Kevin | 04/18/2002 | 23:14 |
| N/A | Angel: Sir, we think the Griffin guy gets it. God (on phone): Good! Good. Peggy, turn off the plagues please. Peggy: Yes sir, Mr. Patterson. ... God: She's- she's new. |
Kevin | 03/23/2002 | 17:01 |
| N/A | Brian: Peter, this is the final plague! Peter: Good, 'cause this is starting to get really old. Brian: Peter, the final plague is the death of the first-born son. Peter: Oh no, Stewie! Brian: The first born son. Peter: Meg! Brian: Your wife. Peter: Chris! |
Kevin | 03/23/2002 | 16:59 |
| N/A | Peter: I'll handle it, Lois. I read a book about this sort of thing
once. Brian: Are you sure it was a book? Are you sure it wasn't.. nothing? Peter: Oh yeah. |
Kevin | 03/23/2002 | 16:49 |
| Mr. Harris, Grant-A-Dream Foundation guy | Get me the president of television! | Kevin | 03/23/2002 | 16:43 |
| N/A | Chris: Are you sure this is gonna work? Peter: Chris, this is just another one of your crazy schemes. Chris: This whole thing was your idea! Peter: You'll find out. Chris: Dad, you're not making any sense. Peter: You just leave that to me. |
Kevin | 03/23/2002 | 16:42 |
| N/A | Peter: Until you bring The Gumbles back, I am goin' on a hunger strike.
Eh? How about that, Callaghan? Can you live with that on your conscience?
Huh? ... You gonna eat that stapler? Callaghan: Well you.. you-you can't eat a stapler. Peter: Wanna split it? |
Kevin | 03/23/2002 | 16:37 |
| Tricia Takanawa | I'm standing in the bedroom of Judy and Glen Issac: 10 years married and still in love. What's their secret? Judy has an inoperable brain tumor the size of my fist, and that just happens to be Glen's fetish. | Lindsey | 02/28/2002 | 23:29 |
| Stewie | Damn you, vile woman! You've impeded my work since the day I escaped from your wretched womb. When you least expect, it your uppance will come! | Lindsey | 02/28/2002 | 23:28 |
| Stewie | Am I to spend the entire day wallowing around in my own feces?! ::clap clap:: A little service here! | Lindsey | 02/28/2002 | 00:35 |
| Stewie | Oh I wouldn't bother visiting the neighborhood of make-believe today, Mr. Rogers. I daresay you'll find it quite in ruin. | Kevin | 02/21/2002 | 20:23 |
| N/A | Peter: Jeez, Lois, what are ya doing lying on the couch at this hour?
Have you been drinking? Lois: Peter, you know I never drink. Peter: Oh, yeah? Just like you never dodge the draft? Lois: What are you talking about? I'm a woman! Peter: Sure you are... now... |
Kevin | 02/20/2002 | 00:37 |
| N/A | Peter: Are you Big Fat Paulie? Louie Anderson: I'm Louie Anderson! |
Kevin | 02/20/2002 | 00:34 |
| N/A | Lois: Peter, how can we afford this? Peter: Let's just say this car was a steal. Lois: Say that again. Peter: The car was a steal. Lois: This time without winking. Peter: The car was a steal... wink. |
Kevin | 02/20/2002 | 00:32 |
| N/A | Lois: I'm upset because you never listen to me. This is Atlantic City
all over again. [Lois and Peter at Blackjack table] Dealer: You've got twenty! Peter: Hit me. Lois: Peter, don't. Peter: Hit me. Dealer: Twenty-one! Peter: Hit me. Lois: Peter. Peter: Hit me. Dealer: That's thirty. Peter: Hit me. |
Kevin | 02/20/2002 | 00:28 |
| N/A | [Crying Meg walks up to Peter sitting on the porch] Peter: Meg, you're home late. Meg: I stayed after school to try out for cheerleading. [continues crying] Peter: Well don't keep me in suspense. How'd ya do? Meg: I'll give you a hint. I S-U-C-K-E-D, sucked, sucked! Peter: Yay! Oh, I mean sorry honey. |
Kevin | 02/20/2002 | 00:16 |
| N/A | German Tour Guide: You vill find more on Germany's contributions to ze
arts in ze pamphlets ve have provided. Brian: Yeah, about you pamphlet... uh, I'm not seeing anything about German history between 1939 and 1945. There's just a big gap. Tour guide: Evervone vas on vacation! On your left is Munich's first city hall, erected in 15- Brian: Wait- what are you talking about? Germany invaded Poland in 1939 and- Tour guide: Ve vere invited! Punch vas served! Check vith Poland! Brian: You can't just ignore those years. Thomas Mann fled to America because of Nazism's stranglehold on Germany. Tour guide: Nope, nope. He left to manage a Dairy Queen. |
Kevin | 02/8/2002 | 01:41 |
| Stewie | As was your fate, Mr.Fly, so is the fate of every sperm in Peter's body. | Megan | 02/4/2002 | 18:27 |
| N/A | Young Peter: Why did all the dinosaurs die out? Museum Guide: Because you touch yourself at night. |
Ray | 02/1/2002 | 00:00 |
| N/A | Announcer: And now back to the movie of the week: Speed 3, Glacier of
Doom. Man: If this glacier goes slower than one mile a year we're all dead! Woman: Tell me something I don't know! (Yells at eskimo sitting on the ice fishing) Get out of the way! |
Kevin | 01/31/2002 | 18:01 |
| Peter | Don't worry, I got an idea. An idea so smart my head would explode if I even began to know what I was talking about. | Kevin | 01/31/2002 | 17:48 |
| N/A | Lois: If you kids don't knock it off we're not going to McDonald's after
church. Chris and Meg: Mom! Peter: Don't worry, we're going. [Lois glares at Peter]... But you don't get the supersize. Chris: Ohh! Peter: Okay, you can supersize, but no apple pie. Meg: Oh come on! Peter: Ok, you get an apple pie, but you can't blow on it. |
Kevin | 01/31/2002 | 17:44 |
| Stewie | I should slap you for wearing those blue socks with those purple pants! | dcnkfgvhldf | 01/26/2002 | 20:16 |
| Stewie | Well, I'd love to stay and chat, but you're a total bitch. | Kylyyn | 01/24/2002 | 23:16 |
| Stewie | I love God. He's so deliciously evil. | Laina | 01/23/2002 | 01:38 |
| Peter (about a beer commercial) | Of course a man made it, Lois. It's a commercial, not a thanksgiving dinner. | Michelle | 01/22/2002 | 16:30 |
| N/A | Telemarketer (on cell phone Peter acccidentallly swallowed): Can I speak
to Peter Griffin? Peter: You're in him. |
Kevin | 01/18/2002 | 21:21 |
| N/A | Brian: You know what would be fun? Chris: Ooh! Ooh! Eating a pebble! |
Kevin | 01/10/2002 | 23:46 |
| Black Knight | Madeline, go wait in the Hyundai! | Kevin | 11/10/2001 | 00:27 |
| N/A | Vacuum repair guy: There you go, it's all fixed. Turns out there was a
half-eaten meatball clogging the intake. Peter: Well, did you save it? Vacuum repair guy: Uh... no. Peter: Bastard! |
Kevin | 11/10/2001 | 00:26 |
| N/A | Chris: Happy birthday, dude. You want some ice cream? Stewie: Yes, but no sprinkles. For every sprinkle I find, I shall kill you! |
Brandon | 10/30/2001 | 21:26 |
| A Rabbi | [A priest and a rabbi walk into a bar] Rabbi: Hey, did you hear the one about us? |
Kevin | 09/20/2001 | 01:26 |
| N/A | Stewie: Oh yes, I've often fantasized about what this house would be
like with more culture. [Brian, Peter, Stewie, and Chris sitting in living room wearing tuxes with top hats, each holding a glass of port] Stewie: The port is quite good. Brian: Yes, quite good. Chris: Indeed. Peter: Most certainly! Brian: What year is it? Chris: 51. Peter: Ah. Stewie: Delectable. Brian: Indeed. Chris. Yes. [Peter bursts into flames] Peter: Oh dear. Brian: What is it? Peter: I've spontaneously combusted. Stewie: Well I am sorry. Peter: Oh it's quite alright, I've grown tired of living. Stewie: Ah, very good then. Chris: For the best. Brian: Yes, indeed. Stewie: Is it raining again? |
Kevin | 09/20/2001 | 01:25 |
| N/A | Lois(on phone to Peter): What's all that noise? Peter: Uh, nothing, nothing. Peter plays tape of Lois: Peter, I need you to take out the trash. Peter: Okay Lois. Lois, I gotta go. |
Kevin | 09/20/2001 | 01:14 |
| Captain Hennesee | Daggermouth is the meanest, most ruthless creature that's ever inhabited the sea. Legend has it he dwells out by Fish Stench Cove. He'll kill any man that comes near there. I saw him once. Sure I'm blind in one eye... And my other eye was infected that day from pickin' at it... And I was tired... And I'd been swimmin' in a pool with too much chlorine... And that was the hour my glasses were at Lens Crafters, but I seen that fish! | Kevin | 09/20/2001 | 01:10 |
| N/A | Black Knight: You see that kids? Your father's nothing but a FIZZLE! Peter: Nobody calls me a fizzle and gets away with it! Except that one guy who called me a fizzle and then ran off. He got away with it. But most people who call me a fizzle don't get away with it. Well actually that guy who got away with it was the only one who ever called me a fizzle. After today, only half the people who ever called me a fizzle will have gotten away with it. |
Kevin | 09/13/2001 | 21:53 |
| Stewie (to Bully who took his tricycle) | Your cruelty merely stems from some deep-seated inner pain. So the obvious remedy is a healthy dose of OUTER PAIN! | Kevin | 09/13/2001 | 21:22 |
| Chris | When I stick this army guy with the sharp bayonet up my nose, it tickles my brain! Ha! Hahahahaha! Ow! Oh, no I don't know math. | Kevin | 09/13/2001 | 20:52 |
| N/A | Joe: Hey Pat, where's the wheelchair ramp? Pat: Oh, we don't have one. I guess this is where you get off. [blows Chumbawumba whistle] Chumba Wumba gobbledy goo, life isn't fair it's sad but it's true. Chumba Wumba gobbledy gee, when your poor legs are stiff as a tree. What do you do when you're stuck in a chair, Finding it hard to go up and down stairs? What do you think of the one you call God? Isn't His absence slight-ly odd? Maybe He's forgotten you. Chumba wumba gobbledy gorse, count yourself lucky you're not a horse. They would turn you into dog food, or to chumba wumba gobbledy glue! Joe: I'm glad I'm not taking your stupid tour! I'm a Coors man anyway. Silver bullet! Gobbledy glue! [Gate to factory slams shut] |
Kevin | 08/18/2001 | 18:42 |
| Announcer on Hitler's talk show | [What if Hitler was still alive?] If you're going to be in the Los Angeles area und vould like tickets to Hitler, call 213-DUVERISTIDUHAGDISTVESTEBLAACHEN!!!!! |
Kevin | 08/18/2001 | 18:00 |
| N/A | [Peter's theme, "Who's the Boss" is picked for the parade] Lois: It's geat they picked your theme, but isn't it a little esoteric? Peter: Esoteric? [zoom in to the guys in Peter's brain] Guy1: Could it mean sexy? Guy2: I think it's a science term. Guy3: Fellas, fellas! Esoteric means delicious! [back to the real world] Peter: Lois, Who's the Boss is not a food. Brian: Swing and a miss. |
Kevin | 08/18/2001 | 15:20 |
| N/A | Peter: Wait-wait-wait-wait wait a second. Yau're telling me I flew all
the way to Kentucky to get some of your fried chicken, and the colonel isn't
even working today? KFC employee(with very thick accent): He ain't reah, he deahd. Peter: What? Employee: I say he deahd! Peter(louder): Is Mr. Sanders in? Employee: Wha' wrong with you? I say you he deahd! Peter(Leaning forward and speaking as if to someone who is hard of hearing): The colonel! |
Kevin | 08/18/2001 | 15:11 |
| N/A | Pops: Speed, I do not think you should be in this race, haha! The Mach 5
is not ready, haha! Speed Racer: But Pops, I must be in this race, haha! Pops: Very well, haha, but you know I am not really your father, haha! Speed: Oh! Haha! Did you hear? The Griffins are going to New York, haha! Pops: This does not affect us at all, haha! Speed: Haha! |
Kevin | 08/18/2001 | 15:00 |
| Peter | See, Meg? Things always work out if you just do whatever you want without worrying about the consequences. | Kevin | 08/16/2001 | 13:32 |
| N/A | Lois: So we'll solve this problem. Peter: Wait. You mean together? Lois: Yes! Because together we can do anything! Face any foe! Overcome any obstacle! Peter: Yeah, climb any mountain! Rent any video! Dial any phone! And not just our phone, Lois- other people's phones! Decent phones! God-fearing phones! Phones that everybody else gave up on, but we knew better, because we were a team! Brian: What the hell are you talking about |
Kevin | 08/16/2001 | 13:31 |
| Stewie | Ha! That's so funny, I forgot to laugh... excluding that first 'ha!' | Kevin | 08/16/2001 | 13:30 |
| Peter | Hey! Hey! Stay outta here. Nobody better come in here. I'm the Griffins' house. Bring me a tool shed, for I am hungry! | Kevin | 08/16/2001 | 13:29 |
| Stewie | Excellent! The weather machine is nearly completed. What do you say to that, broccoli? ... Stop mocking me! | Kevin | 08/16/2001 | 13:28 |
| Stewie | Lois: Sweetie, it's broccoli. It's good for you. Now open up for the
airplane. (makes airplane noise) Stewie: Never! Damn the broccoli, damn you, and damn the Wright Brothers! |
Kevin | 08/16/2001 | 13:28 |
| Peter | You know those Germans. If you don't join their party, they'll come get ya! | Kevin | 08/16/2001 | 13:28 |
| N/A | Tom: Because of an accident today at the Quahog Cable Company, all
television transmission will be out of action for an undetermined amount of
time. Of course, no one can see this news program, so it doesn't really
matter what we say... I'm the Lord Jesus Christ! Let's all go get drunk and beat up some midgets! How about you, Diane? Diane: Well, Tom, I just plain don't like black people. Camera man: You guys, we're still on in Boston... |
Kevin | 08/16/2001 | 13:27 |
| Peter | Isn't bribe just another word for love? | Kevin | 08/16/2001 | 13:25 |
| Peter | Canada sucks! | Kevin | 08/16/2001 | 13:25 |
| Chris | Oh my God, the government is here! Run, ET, run! | Kevin | 08/16/2001 | 13:25 |
| Diane | Tom has dared me to do the news topless. I've got the goods, but have I got the guts? Find out at eleven. | Kevin | 08/16/2001 | 13:24 |
| Stewie(singing) | This is my rifle, this is my gun. This is for fighting, this is for fun. | Kevin | 08/16/2001 | 13:24 |
| Stewie | Ye and God said to Abraham, you will kill your son Isaac, and Abraham said I can't hear you, you will have to speak into the microphone. And God said, oh, I'm sorry. Is this better? Check check check check. Jerry, pull the high end out, I'm still getting some hiss back here. | Kevin | 08/16/2001 | 13:23 |
| N/A | Brian: If I remember correctly, this is the Physics department. Chris: That explains all the gravity! |
Kevin | 08/16/2001 | 13:22 |
| Randy Newman (singing) | Fat man with his kids and dog Came in through the morning fog Hey there Rover, come on over. [Lois (spoken)] "Well, it's nice to have music while we eat." Red headed lady, reachin' for an apple Gonna take a bite- nope, nope. She gonna breathe on it first, wipe it on her blouse... She takes a bite, Chews it once, twice, three times, four times. Stops! Saliva workin', takes a good long look at Randy ...five times Fat old husband walkin' over. [Lois(spoken)] "Let's get the hell out of here." They're walkin' down the road. Left foot, right foot Left foot, right foot Left... |
Kevin | 08/16/2001 | 13:21 |
| Mr. T's head on bird body | Didn't wanna be a mean guy. Wanna be a dancer | Kevin | 08/16/2001 | 13:17 |
| N/A | Psychiatrist: Your family has something they'd like to say to you. Meg (reading): Brian- I know I don't speak up much, and it's- it's really hard for me to talk about my feelings, but- Psychiatrist: Why don't we start with someone more interesting? |
Kevin | 08/16/2001 | 13:16 |
| N/A | Lois: I'm sorry, I've made my decision. We're moving back to Quahog just
as soon as we can get packed. Meg: Quahog? That one horse town? ----Quick Scene---- [Horse standing on an empty street] Horse: Hey shut up! No you shut up! Hey shut up! You shut up! You're the one talking! Well there's no one else here. Why doesn't everyone shut up! What's that?....it's the wind |
Kevin | 08/15/2001 | 18:54 |
| N/A | Parking attendant: Oh you don't need to park here, Mr. Griffin. You have
an executive parking space now. Peter: But that looks exactly like my old space. Attendant: Yeah, but this one comes with your own company suck-up! Suck-up: Morning, Mr. Griffin! Nice day! Peter: Ehh, it's a little cloudy. Suck-up: It's absolutely cloudy. One of the worst days I've seen in years! So, good news about the Yankees! Peter: I hate the Yankees. Suck-up: Pack of cheaters, that's what are! I love your tie. Peter: I hate this tie. Suck-up: It's awful, it's gawdy, it's gotta go. Peter: And I hate myself. Suck-up: I hate you too. You make me sick, you fat sack of crap. Peter: But I'm the president. Suck-up: The best there is! Peter: But you just said you hated me. Suck-up: But- not you the- president. The- you who said- you- hated- you? You who love. Hate. Yankees. Clouds? [Suck-up's head explodes] |
Kevin | 08/15/2001 | 18:45 |
| N/A | Ugly girl: Yeah, some company hired me to stand next to you so you'd
look better by comparison. Meg: That's ridiculous! I don't need- [Boy walks up] Boy: Hey, Meg! Did you get less ugly? [Meg hugs Ugly girl] Meg: Yes! |
Kevin | 08/15/2001 | 18:44 |
| N/A | Peter: No foul? That's a stupid call! And I know something about stupid
calls. [Lois sitting on the couch. Phone rings.] Lois: Hello? Peter: Uh, Lois? I can't take out the garbage because I'm at the office and they're making me stay late. Lois: Peter, the caller ID says you're calling from the kitchen. In fact, I can see you. [Peter backs out of view] Peter: Can you see me now? Lois: No. Peter: Ok, now I'm at the office. |
Kevin | 08/15/2001 | 18:40 |
| N/A | Lois: Oh, Peter, isn't she beautiful? Peter: Yeah, but I think she's with that guy. They've been holding hands all night. Lois: I mean Meg. |
Kevin | 08/15/2001 | 01:58 |
| N/A | Peter: Uh, Lois... Go get the medical dictionary and look up 'fork' and
'lung.' Lois: Why? Peter: Time's a factor, Lois. |
Kevin | 08/15/2001 | 01:55 |
| N/A | Doctor: Well, Rudolph, we finally figured out what makes your nose red.
Rudolph the Red-nosed Raindeer: Is it pixie dust? Or leprechaun tails? Doctor: No, it's a tumor. Rudolph: You mean like a magical Christmas tumor? Doctor: No, a malignant tumor... The base of which is lodged deep within your brain. Rudolph. Oh. ... like a happy special- Doctor: You're going to die. |
Kevin | 08/15/2001 | 01:53 |
| N/A | Peter: Wanna race? On your mark, get set, go! First one to the marker
where that Pakistani girl fell through the ice after coming to the States to
get treatment for her severely burned face which she got when the man she
refused to marry dumped sulfuric acid on her wins. I win. Yes! Yes! In your
face! In your face! Chris: In my face! In my face! Hahaha! [decaying hand reaches up through hole in ice and grabs Peter's leg] Peter: Ahh!! No! Acid Girl! It's Acid Girl! |
Kevin | 08/15/2001 | 01:49 |
| Steve the murderer | [Walks into jail cell with a knife] Get ready to die. [Sees everyone is gone] Huh. Wonder what this feels like. [Stabs himself with knife] Ow! That hurts! My God, is that what I've been doing to people? I belong here! |
Kevin | 08/15/2001 | 01:44 |
| N/A | British Girl: Ew! Your breath smells like kitty litter! Stewie: I was curious! |
Kevin | 08/15/2001 | 01:35 |
| N/A | Stewie: What are the stakes of this wager? Brian: Why don't you shut up for about a week? Stewie: Very well. And if I win? Brian: I wasn't betting. Why don't you just shut up for about a week. |
Kevin | 08/15/2001 | 01:27 |
| N/A | Lois: Nigel's charming! All British men are. Peter: Yeah right. That's what they said about Benjamin Disraeli. [Benjamin Disraeli sitting at a table writing with a quill pen] Disraeli: You don't even know who I am. |
Kevin | 08/15/2001 | 01:22 |
| N/A | Cleveland: The bar's not wrecked! Peter: Oh, thank you God! God: Don't mention it. [God rides off on horse] |
Kevin | 08/15/2001 | 01:16 |
| Peter | Well, that's my mama! Heheheheheheh! | Kevin | 08/15/2001 | 01:01 |
| N/A | Politician#1: Mr. Griffin is right! Smoking is a horrible vice. It
shortens life expectancy and polutes our air. And according to recent polls,
air is good. Politician#2: Cigarettes killed my father and raped my mother! Frank: Gentlemen, I propose we send a message to tobacco companies everywhere by fining the El Dorado Cigarette Company infinity billion dollars! Other politician: That's the spirit, Frank! But I think a real number might be more effective. |
Kevin | 08/15/2001 | 01:00 |
| Peter | I know a lot of you are already on my side. And for you naysayers, I have two strong words for you: Come on! C'maaaan! | Kevin | 08/15/2001 | 00:55 |
| Bob Dole | Bob Dole's a friend of the tobacco industry. Bob Dole likes your style. Bob Dole. Bob Dole. Bob Dole! Bob Dole. Bob Dole. Bob Dole. Bob Dole. [mumbling] Bob Dole. [falls asleep] | Kevin | 08/15/2001 | 00:54 |
| Chris | If I had a hole in my throat, I'd put pennies in it! | Kevin | 08/15/2001 | 00:51 |
| N/A | Peter: Uh, excuse me. Al Gore? George W. Bush? Al: Yes. Bush: Yes. Peter: Ah, great! And what's your friend's name? Gore: Dick Armey. [Peter laughs hysterically] Peter: No, seriously, what's his name? Gore: Dick Armey. [Peter laughs hysterically again] Gore: Oh. Haha. I just got it. |
Kevin | 08/15/2001 | 00:50 |
| Brian | Lois: Brian, could you pass me the TV Guide? Brian: Piss off! Lois: What? Brian: I'm sorry. It just feels like forever since I've had a smoke. I'm just a bit testy. STOP STARING AT MY TAIL!! |
Kevin | 08/15/2001 | 00:45 |
| N/A | Executive: We've tried everything to get through to these politicians:
Harvard lawyers, lobbyists, wise-cracking leprechauns... Lucky the Leprechaun: Excuse me, do you have a dollar? I'm a little short. Hoo hoo hoo! |
Kevin | 08/15/2001 | 00:39 |
| N/A | Lois: But Peter, why would they make you president? Peter: Well maybe it's because I can recite all 50 states in less than a quarter of a second. AIIIIEE! Lois: Peter, that was just a loud yelping noise. |
Kevin | 08/15/2001 | 00:26 |
| N/A | Lois: Oh my God! They're trying to corrupt our children! Brian: Well what do you expect? Those bastards turned a whole generation of Americans into smokers with their damn subliminal advertising. [Old black and white Lassie episode] Mom: Timmy, where's Lassie? Timmy: She's out in the orchard, Mom. Peaches are comin' in mighty early this year. [cut to a head shot of a guy] Guy: Smoke. [Back to Lassie] Mom: You know what they say, Timmy. Early peaches, long summer. [back to guy] Guy: Smoke [back to Lassie- Lassie walks in the room and barks] Timmy: What's that, Lassie? [back to guy] Guy: Are ya smokin' yet? |
Kevin | 08/15/2001 | 00:22 |
| N/A | Chris(watching a whale jump): Dad, what's the blow-hole for? Peter: I'll tell you what it's not for, son. And when I do, you'll understand why I can never go back to Sea World |
Kevin | 08/15/2001 | 00:16 |
| Chris | Can't we eat? I'm so hungry I could ride a horse... I don't get it. Well I could ride it to the store I guess. | Kevin | 08/15/2001 | 00:09 |
| N/A | Peter: Wow! The business world sure is funny. [Dilbert standing in front of a cubicle in an office. Wally walks up to him] Wally: Hey Dilbert, what do you call it when a guy in middle management moves all the way to upper management? Dilbert: I don't know. What do you call it? Wally: A promotion. Dilbert: Oh! Thanks. Here's a memo. [They stand there for a second and then walk off screen] Peter: Well sometimes the business world's funny. |
Kevin | 08/15/2001 | 00:04 |
| N/A | Lois: Oh, The Old Man and the Sea. I see you're gettin in the
mood for our cruise. Peter: Yeah, stupid fisherman. Sitting out there in a boat yammering to himself. He doesn't even know I'm watching him. |
Kevin | 08/14/2001 | 23:22 |
| N/A | Joe: Wow! That's some nose you've got. Brian: Yeah. One time it almost got me a spokesman deal. [Brian and Tucan Sam sitting under a sign that says "Casting"] Tucan Sam: Follow your nose. Follow your nose. Follow your nose. Brian: Haha. ..Oh, I'm sorry. I- I- No, that- that was good. I just- I didn't think you were gonna go so cartoony with it. Tucan Sam: Well how would you read it? Brian: Oh, I don't know, I was thinking of doing it you know, good, like an actor. But you know, your way is good too. |
Kevin | 08/14/2001 | 23:12 |
| Brian (watching The Blair Witch Project) | Okay, they're- they're in the woods... The camera keeps on moving... Uh... I think they're- they're looking for some witch or something- I don't know, I wasn't listening. Nothing's happening... nothing's happening... Something about a map... Nothing's happening... It's over. A lot of people in the audience look pissed. | Kevin | 08/14/2001 | 23:05 |
| N/A | Lois: Oh no! Brain: Oh no! Chris: Oh no! Meg: Oh no! Kool Aid Man: [crashing through the wall of the courthouse] Oh yeah! [Everyone looks at Kool Aid Man and he slowly backs away through the hole he made.] |
Kevin | 08/14/2001 | 15:57 |
| N/A | Brian: Amazing! You can barely drive a car and yet you are allowed to
fly a blimp. Peter: Yeah. America’s great, isn’t it? Except for the South. |
Kevin | 08/14/2001 | 15:54 |
| N/A | Peter: And then I had that job as the sneeze guard at the salad bar at
that restaurant... [At the restaurant, Peter is dressed like a security guard.] Woman: Ah, ah, ah... Peter: Take it outside lady! [pulls a gun on her] |
Kevin | 08/14/2001 | 15:48 |
| N/A | Mr. Weed: Peter! Are you sleeping on the job? Peter: Uh, uh... no there’s a bug in my eye and I’m trying to suffocate him. |
Kevin | 08/14/2001 | 15:46 |
| N/A | Peter: Brian, it's the Historical Society. We gotta convince them that
100 million dollars of history happened here. ----Scene 5 : Living room---- [Peter carves on the wall "Jesus was here 2/15/57 B.C."] Auctioneer: So you're saying Jesus carved His name into this mantle 57 years before He was born? Peter: He's Jesus. He can do anything. And look here! [Peter points at a broken wall with a hole in it] Peter: That's where the stock market crashed! Auctioneer: Physically? Peter: Oh I'm telling you, you can't take a step in this house without uncovering something historical. [Peter taps on the ground .....*Choo choo Choo*] Peter: Wait a second... could that be Harriet Tubman's secret underground railroad? Oh it is! |
Kevin | 08/14/2001 | 15:42 |
| N/A | Lois: Kids, if you marry for love, your life will be filled with its own
riches. Money doesn't buy happiness [Lois, chris and meg walk away] Stewie: Well I beg to differ. [Rings three bells, three servants attend] Stewie: You, bring me the Wall Street Journal. You two, fight to the death. [Servants fight] |
Kevin | 08/14/2001 | 15:35 |
| N/A | Servant#1: More coffee madam? Lois: I can get that Sebastian. To tell you the truth, we're all a little uncomfortable being waited on. Stewie: Cut my eggs! Servant#2: Your eggs are cut, sir. Stewie: Cut my milk! Servant#2: I can't, sir. It's liquid. Stewie: Imbecile! Freeze it then cut it! If you question me again, I'll put you on diaper detail and I'll promise you I won't make it easy for you. |
Kevin | 08/14/2001 | 15:33 |
| N/A | Lois: Peter, did you paste a new picture of yourself, on our wedding
portrait? Peter: Yeah, I think it looks better. Lois: You pasted it over me! Peter: Yeah, I think it looks better. |
Kevin | 08/14/2001 | 15:20 |
| N/A | Peter: Hey, when you're beautiful, doors magically open for you! Warren: Actually, it opened because you stepped on that black rubber square. Of course if that wasn't there, it would have opened anyway, because you're beautiful! Peter: Wow! |
Kevin | 08/14/2001 | 15:19 |
| Stewie (talking about Peter) | Oh my God! It's finally happened. He's become so massive he collapsed
into himself, like a neutron star! |
Kevin | 08/14/2001 | 15:17 |
| N/A | Chris: Oh, I hate vegetables. Lois: Honey, they're good for you. Chris: Tastes like a monkey, a monkey that's past its prime. |
Kevin | 08/14/2001 | 15:15 |
| N/A | Lois: Oh, honey, no one thinks your fat. [Enter Pool lifeguard] Lifeguard: I'm sorry sir, you can't park your van on the diving board. Lois: This is my son! Lifeguard: Oh. My apologies. Hey Tom! He's not a van, he's just a fat kid! |
Kevin | 08/14/2001 | 15:14 |
| N/A | [Bathroom, Brian trying to do something about the fleas. Door opens,
Enter Lois, Peter, And Stewie.] Lois: Brian, are you okay? Brian: Okay? Ha, ha, Okay? I'm covered in fleas lady. I'm losing it here! Peter: Get ahold of yourself. [Peter slaps Lois] Lois: Owwww! Peter you're supposed hit Brian! [Enter Chris] Chris: Dad, I'm itchy. I'm itchy! [Enter Meg] Meg: Out of my way wide load! Mom, there's fleas all over the house! Peter: There's only one thing to do! Learn the language of the fleas, earn their trust, then breed with their women! And in time our differences will be forgotten! Lois: Call the damn exterminator! |
Kevin | 08/14/2001 | 15:12 |
| N/A | Security Guard: Alright son, we're gonna need those two hams back. Chris: Huh? I don't have any hams. Guard: Lift up your shirt, son. Chris: I need an adult! I need an adult! Guard: You're not a shoplifter, you're just a fat kid. Sorry about that fatty fat fatty. Hey Tom he's just a fat kid! Aren't you, fatty? You're just a big ol' fat kid. Here's some chocolate fatso. Chris: Thanks. |
Kevin | 08/14/2001 | 15:08 |
| N/A | Chris: Haha! Got your nose! Peter: Oh yeah, well I got your face! [pulls Chris's face off] |
Kevin | 08/13/2001 | 19:53 |
| N/A | Peter: Thanks to you, our son has a huge wang. Lois: Thanks to me? Peter: Well he didn't get it from me. |
Kevin | 08/13/2001 | 19:51 |