ALBERT CIRRUS NATION!!!!!

The War on the War on Christmas-By Albert Cirrus Chapter 1: The Diary of Dexter Wax-A year ago events Chapter 2: CLF Returns-A speaker speaks and gets assassinated, at Kevin’s house he talks to Jennifer and kids, someone spies on him, Kevin talks at work with Mack and Paul Chapter 3: Ebenezer-Dexter’s ghost visits Kevin Chapter 4: The Plot-Kevin at works meets with Tom to discuss the CLF, that night the jail is broken into and the CLF escape Chapter 5: Hamster-Tom calls Bill O’liar to the police station to talk to him, Patrick high fives him, Kevin walks to car and gets kidnaped, wakes up upside down over a lawn mower and forced to confess where diary is, he tells, gets knocked out again, wakes up with Paul standing over him, finds out it’s Julia, Julia cuts open a hamster and undresses him, the police arrive and rescue him, CLF flees, he returns home Chapter 6: Two Speeches-Julia gives long speech to the CLF and co, Patrick also gives speech to the police about Muslim “asshats” Chapter 7: TWOTWOTWOC-Kevin gets fired from job as a scapegoat, meets with mayor, plans with Tom and Mack to spy on the CLF Chapter 8: Merry Chaosmas!-The attacks from the CLF: mall santa killed, dick on pole, porno threat, eggnog paintball, trees lit on fire Chapter 9: Noel? Hell No-Kevin goes to church, Kevin, Tom, and Mack sneak into the CLF headquarters to find information, they find the plans, they get caught and flee, Mack falls behind and is killed, Julia goes to the Wax house to kidnap Jennifer Chapter 10: Not Even a Mouse-Kevin and Tom arrive at police station to find Patrick and Bill together with the entire police department tied up, Bill ties them up too along with Patrick, the CLF steal a tank and go down main street to the theater Chapter 11: The Battle of Tenex-The tank rolls down the street, Kevin and Tom are tied up and Patrick is ranting and raving, Patrick gets knocked out, the tank stops to blow up some businesses and the main tree, John Mason gets distracted by Faux News coverage and the police get up and stampede him, they win and go out and arrest them, Kevin goes to the tank to stop it, he arrives at the theater and pleads with the tank driver, the driver turns around and blows up Faux News building and Bill, Julia arrives and blows up tank, she holds Jennifer hostage, Tom arrives and shoots gun out of hand, the CLF is rounded up and put in jail Chapter 12: The War is Over-Mayor gives them medals, a few days later after Christmas at the Wax house, at the asylum with Julia and Patrick Setting Christmas time 2009, Tenex USA Characters (Former Rudolph) Dexter Wax Kevin Wax Jennifer Wax Mark, Sally, Elaine, and Lester Wax (Blitzen) Julia Henderson/Paul Smith (Comet) Joseph Mathis (Prancer) Calvin Danforth (Cupid) Kathleen Safire (Vixen) Anita Jackson (Dasher) Jason Jackson (Dancer) Roberto Rodriguez (Donner) John Mason (Rudolph) Quincy Rogers (Former Dasher) John Copperfield-Demas (Former Donner) Justin Green Tom Livingstone-police officer Patrick Herring-Chief of Police Mack Stevens-coworker Bill O’Liar-Faux News Host Christy Ericson-mayor Robin Scott-police officer Jay Douglas-police officer The Diary of Dexter Wax 11/1/06 Oh thank G*d it’s over. That evil pagan day is over, please G*d, damn it to hell! I’m talking about Halloween, or the day to celebrate evil and Satan and all his lies. I’ve written to my newspaper over and over again and so far none of my editorials have been published. I mean, what is so wrong about me calling for all of our schools to cancel all their Halloween parties. That and banning evolution. I’m looking forward to tomorrow when I start shopping for Christmas, the celebration of the birth of our lord, Jesus. Amen! -Dexter Wax 11/2/06 Help me Jesus!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! This is worse than Halloween. This is a travesty, this is the work of Satan. The anti-G*d culture is growing and it must be stopped. What am I talking about? I’ll tell you what I’m talking about, this: HAPPY HOLIDAYS?!?!? What????? I walk into the local mall and I look for the first CHRISTMAS decorations of the year. I see Santa Claus, snow flakes, Christmas trees, etc. All of that is good, but no baby Jesus in the manger, no Mary and Joseph, not even a wise man. Disappointed, I decide to leave and wait a few hours for these things to show up and then I notice it. My virgin eyes see it, an advertisement with the words “Happy Holidays” on it. What?!?!? This should not be allowed, it should be abolished. Christmas should not be called just a holiday, it’s the day to celebrate the messiah, Jesus Christ, the only messiah. This is evil, an outrage! So outrageous I’m going to do something about it, I’m writing a letter to the newspaper! -Dexter Wax 11/9/06 Well, it’s been a week and my letter to the paper has not been published yet, so to hell with the paper! Dear lord, please save me from the evil secularists who are waging war on Christmas. Maybe there are other people with the same struggle. Yes, I will find a group of people with the same gripes as me and join them. We will declare a war on the war on Christmas! -Dexter Wax 11/15/06 Okay, I have found a group of people with similar gripes that I have at the secularization of Christmas. G*d bless these people. They call themselves the “Christmas Liberation Front” and they are quite militant towards this issue, AS THEY SHOULD BE. I have submitted my membership and I will become a member after I make myself “worthy.” I asked them how I can become “worthy” and the leader said, “be creative.” I see. Hmmm, I have a good idea. Where’s my baseball bat? -Dexter Wax 11/19/06 Ha ha ha! Victory is mine! G*d bless me for my deeds. That will teach them to have demonic “holiday specials” at A-mart or as I call it “gay-mart”. It’s right there in the paper, finally they posted me in the paper, except my name isn’t there. Of course, if they knew it was me, they would arrest me. What did I do? I took a baseball bat and smashed open a window that had the word “holiday sale” and ran away before the police came. Can’t these evil bastards just say, “Merry Christmas” and not “happy holidays?” Do they really have to satisfy the needs of the hell-bound jews, muslims, pagans, and atheists? It blows the mind. Well, I have photo proof of my actions and I will tell the Christmas Liberation Front. They will surely let me in and we will save Christmas together! In the name of Jesus, AMEN!-Dexter Wax Rudolph Wax: M (Dexter)-died Comet Mathis: M (Joseph) Vixen Jackson: F (Anita) Dasher Copperfield-Demas: M (John)-died Blitzen Henderson: F (Julia)-sorta died Prancer Danforth: M (Calvin) Dancer Rodriguez: M (Roberto) Cupid Safire: F (Kathleen) Donner Green: M (Justin)-died 11/22/06

The War on the War on Christmas

Yes, I’m in! Thank you G*d! And thank you CLF leader Comet Mathis. There are 7 other members to the group and I’m number nine. The leader decided to give us names based on Santa’s reindeer. No more members will be accepted so I can stop harassing people at my church to join. Plus Comet advised us to shut up about our operations. I understand, if word gets out on our deeds, they will shut us down and the evil secularists will destroy Christmas. HEAVEN FORBID! Anyways, I got along with Prancer and Cupid. Vixen is a little shy, but she will prove herself well. I guess our plans on Friday will come to fruition and will help save Christmas. I will report on Operation Rudolph Nose (hey, that’s me) then in my diary. Until then, G*d bless me!-Dexter Rudolph Wax

Operation Rudolph Nose is a success! On the first official shopping day (shouldn’t the Christmas season last forever?) of the Christmas season, we conducted the operation. Our leader Comet Mathis stayed at the headquarters to direct us. There were four groups of us and two in each group. One would be the driver and one would be the enforcer. The enforcer would walk to the entrance to the store and start saying “Merry Christmas” to random people. If they said “Merry Christmas” in reply, we would leave them alone. If they said nothing in response after 3 times, we were ordered to punch them in their nose. Hence “Rudolph Nose” because of the red nose bleed. I got to be the driver this time and my partner Blitzen Henderson was great. She got 7 people to respond with “Merry Christmas.” Then some old man didn’t reply to Blitzen and she punched the old devil in the nose. He fell to the ground and she ran back to the car and we sped off before the cops arrived. We read in the paper this morning that the man was deaf, but that was no excuse for not replying with a simple “Merry Christmas to you too.” Next time I get to be the enforcer. Next week we will repeat this and then move on to something else in December. Sometimes I ask g*d if this is right. I assume it is because g*d justified the violence during the Crusades, the killing of the savage indians, the inquisitions, et cetera. G*d will forgive us because the end justifies the means. Besides we will be saving the “victims” from eternal damnation and hellfire.-Rudolph Wax

The War on the War on Christmas

I finally got my diary back, I haven’t had many chances to sneak back home to get it. Things have gotten out of control, sort of. Last Monday, the police department decided to send some godless cops to stores to protect customers from being punched by us. Well, Blitzen was the driver and I was the enforcer. The other 3 groups decided to abort their plans. We decided to go on with ours. Some man about 50 walked to the door and I bumped into him and said “merry Christmas”, he kept going. There was a cop out front watching us, so I couldn’t punch him. The man refused to reply to my greeting. Then the unexpected happened, Blitzen shot the man in the chest! Then she shot the cop. I got scared and ran back to the car and we drove off. When we got back, Blitzen got an earful from Comet, but he didn’t punish her. He walked to his room and came back to apologize. Comet figured and I agree that sometimes drastic measures have to happen. Then we agreed to resort to more radical measures than just punching sinners. As for Blitzen and I, she’s not married, but I have a wife and 4 kids. They don’t know that I’m in this club, but they saw me on tv at the scene. I guess I probably will go to jail if caught, so I can’t see them anymore. But it’s okay, I’m saving Christmas for them. Well, I have to go now, time to go buy some fireworks, for um saving Christmas. I’m doing this for you baby Jesus!-Rudolph Wax

The War on the War on Christmas

My wife ratted on me! She found out where our organization is located and sent the police this way. She is so going to hell, I should have never married her. I hope my 3 sons and 1 daughter murder her in her sleep so she doesn’t try to ruin us again. Anyways, we moved our headquarters to Donner Green’s house and we have set up camp there. Nobody was at the old base when the police came. We are doing very well in our operations. We have burned down businesses that don’t say “Merry Christmas” and instead say the evil “happy holidays.” I personally have burned down some “holiday tree” lots with fireworks. We all know that the baby Jesus cries every time someone says “holiday.” I think we should even have concentration camps for secularists who try to destroy Christmas (Bush are you listening?) And it’s working! Our campaign is forcing businesses to include Christmas in their advertising. Cause we know Jesus would want it that way. Some may call us terrorists, but I consider myself a rebel, a rebel for Christ.-Rudolph Wax

(Just for clarification: none of this story is true, it’s parody.)

The War on the War on Christmas

Okay, good news and bad news. Bad news is that I was arrested, so I haven’t been able to save Christmas from the Jesus-hating sinners and write in this diary. Good news is that Prancer Danforth is a cop and he got me out. Whew! Thank G*d for that! Of course, as he let me out of jail, he had to shoot and kill a guard. Oh well, hell just got a little more over crowded. Anyways, this morning I set fire to some more shops that sell “holiday cards.” Then I started thinking about something, “what is the real meaning of Christmas?” Then it hit me: capitalism. Buy, buy, buy! Jesus would want it that way, I mean most these people who are trying to destroy Christmas are damned liberals. What do liberals do? They give out handouts to poor people. So all these charities are going against the will of G*d. We shouldn’t try to help out the poor; G*d would have made them rich if He wanted to. So giving to the poor is evil, makes sense. Time to go destroy some charities that are out to destroy Christmas.

The War on the War on Christmas

Take that Salvation Army! No presents for godless orphans this year. Anyways, today is Jesus’s birthday, yay! But we must not let our guard down. Last night, Blitzen and I had sex. I know extramarital sex is wrong, but G*d will forgive me since my mission is a lot greater than any little sin. Besides, my wife is a traitorous whore so I am basically divorced from, spiritually. Oh, since tonight is the night before Christmas, people will be going to the mall for last minute shopping. But guess what, they are still saying “happy holidays!” DAMN IT TO HELL!!!!! But we will get a chance tonight. Me and the rest of the Christmas Liberation Front have a plan. I won’t say what it is, but we will pull it off. Security will be tight, but we will succeed and Christmas will be saved! Ha ha! G*d bless us all. And MERRY CHRISTMAS!!!!! It’s okay to say it, and if you don’t you will die and go to hell! Got to go.-Rudolph Wax

The War on the War on Christmas (Finale)

This must be Dexter’s diary, I think I’ll read it and write in it. Wow, my brother was one crazy mother-fucker. I’ve been looking for this diary since the funeral. Wow, that’s what acid will do to you. And religion of course, but Dexter took it too far. I mean, killing people because they refused to wish people a merry Christmas? Give me a fucking break. Dexter or Rudolph as he called himself was never that good with major tasks. Blowing up the department store is surely one of them considering he blew himself up. The body was luckily still in one piece. The other eight in his Christmas Liberation Front had a shootout with the police after Dexter blew himself up while trying to place the explosives inside. Three members of the group were killed including Julia Henderson, AKA “Blitzen” who according to this diary fucked my brother. I’ll keep that info secret from his wife and four kids. I agreed to help take care of them until the social security kicks in. As for baby bro Dexter Wax, I don’t think he learned any lessons. If there is a heaven, I hope God or Allah or Yahway or whatever has mercy on him considering he was a real false prophet for Christianity. Right now, the FBI is trying to find out if there are copycat organizations popping up and they want to stop them before next year’s holiday season comes around. Oops, I said “holiday”, Dexter’s ghost will haunt me now. Oh shit Kevin, don’t think that. What the fuck, why am I writing in this, where is the trash can?........

The End, or is it?

Just stopping by to keep this site archived.

If you found this site, please direct yourself to http://blueneckagenda.myblogsite.com/

Coming Soon: A blog on a different website. ACN had a nice run.

RIP George Carlin 1937-2008

Gitmojo Nomorejo?

Baker: Thank Allah!

Farmer: We will go home soon.

Shop Owner: Well, when the courts find us innocent.

“Toothless Abdullah”: Maybe I will get to see my kids grow up.

Guard 1: Fucking Supreme Court!

Guard 2: (holding broomstick) It was fun while it lasted.

Priorities?

Millions of Americans have diabetes

Obesity is an epidemic

Millions have Hypertension and thousands die early deaths from heart attacks

A few hundred get sick from tomatoes with Salmonella

Fast Food Companies: That’s it, we can no longer serve unhealthy food...get rid of the tomatoes!

A lot of Ass Kissing

For Six Months:

Redneck: I hate that Obama, he’s a Muslim and he’s black.

Redneck’s Wife: We are supporting Clinton.

Ferraro: Fuck you Obama!

Bill Clinton: Yeah, what she said.

Ickes: Clinton is god!

Mcauliffe: She should go all the way even if she doesn’t have a chance of winning.

Bartcop: Obama is a pony and can’t win white people.

Clinton: Look at me! I’m in it to win it! I have more votes than Obama even though I don’t, but I will keep saying it so people might believe me!

Clinton Supporter: Obama is sexist! I will vote for McCain over him!

Today:

Everyone: WE LOVE YOU OBAMA!!!

Not Again?

Person 1: Did you hear about the latest controversy over a priest?

Person 2: Oh no, not again. What horrible thing did they do?

Person 1: He said something bad about Hillary Clinton and made fun of her.

Person 2: Thank goodness that’s all they did!

Person 1: I know, it’s gotten that bad.

Off "Scott Free"

2003

McClellan: La la la.

2004

McClellan: (whistling)

2005

McClellan: Jimmy cracked corn and I don’t care.

2006

McClellan: (humming)

2007

McClellan: Do ra me fa so la te do.

2008

McClellan: Whoops, time to speak out on Bush’s crimes and write a book that will make millions. I hope people forgive me for not speaking out soon enough.

The Preacher

Preacher: God created the world in six days and rested on the seventh.

Congregation: Amen.

Preacher: Moses parted the Red Sea, talked to God, and received the Ten Commandments.

Congregation: Amen!

Preacher: Jesus Christ was born of a virgin and performed miracles.

Congregation: Amen!!

Preacher: Jesus was crucified and came back from the dead. During the Apocalypse, he will come back!

Congregation: AMEN!!!

Preacher: Oh by the way, Hitler was sent by God to bring the Jews to Israel and the US government created AIDS to kill off black people. Give me an Amen!

Congregation: Uh...that’s a little insane, no rational person will ever believe that. We need to distance ourselves from you. Wacko!

Need More Proof?

These Republicans are fucking racists.

Clinton is Winning?

Since Obama is ahead in all significant categories (delegates, popular vote, states won, etc), Clinton has found it pretty hard to find stats to give her campaign any hope, but now she does. Introducing the miscellaneous voters, Hillary Clinton is winning these voters and by large percentages.

Latino lesbian midgets named Gloria 67-33%

Seven foot tall baseball players from Cleveland 59-41%

Homeless 35 year olds with earrings 70-30%

Dyslexic saxophone players who were born in Sweden 66-34%

People who have recently removed birthmarks that look like giraffes 54-46%

Incestuous lawyers 73-27%

People who have had their arm amputated from battle wounds suffered from fighting against space monkeys concocted from the imagination of computer geeks on acid who look like John Travolta and like to shove blueberries into their belly buttons and dress up like school girls while getting their pinky fingers sucked by prostitutes with webbed feet from Toronto, purple monkey dishwasher 53-47%

How can Obama expect to win if he can’t win the vote from these people? But Hillary Clinton can and she can win the nomination...assuming these are the only people who show up to vote.

Blitzkrieg Accomplished

It’s a warm June morning in Paris and cheering crowds wait around for a plane to land. Minutes later a single-engine plane lands on a temporary landing strip on a major road. A man in a flight suit gets out of the plane and walks towards a podium. A banner in German hanging on the Eiffel Tower behind him reads “Blitzkrieg Accomplished” and he raises his hand straight out to give a salute. He starts to talk.

Hitler: My fellow Germans: major conflicts in Europe have ended. In the battle of Europe, Germany and our allies have prevailed, heh heh.

From My Cold Dead Hand!

Charlton Heston shows up at the pearly gates in Heaven and meets with Peter.

Heston: Hello, am I dead?

Peter: Yes you are.

Heston: Do you know who I am?

Peter: Yes.

Heston: Cause I don’t.

Peter: (sigh) You and Reagan have Alzheimer’s Disease? Shit, maybe God should tell Bush to allow stem cells to be used in research.

God: Or not. Like I’m going to allow you all to cure another fucking disease, hell has enough scientists thank you very much.

Moses: Oh my god!

God: That’s me.

Moses: I’m your biggest fan Charlton.

Heston: Who are you?

Moses: You portrayed me in a movie.

Heston: Ben Hur?

Moses: Never mind. I’ll go talk to another bush.

God: That’s my job, to talk to a “Bush”, heh heh. Now let us get down to business. You are Charlton Heston the famous actor and former president of the NRA. You are a moral and godly man and...who are you all?

Child 1: We are victims of gun violence.

Child 2: I was shot at school.

Child 3: I was shot by my little sister who found our dad’s gun.

Child 4: I was shot by some gang members.

Child 5: A stray bullet from a shooting range hit me.

God: What the fuck? Some adult must have brought you all here to bitch about guns. Was it Michael Moore? I don’t think he’s dead yet unless his arteries aren’t holding up well. When he gets here, I will send his fat ass to hell. Who sent you here? WHO?!?

Lincoln: It was me!

Heston: I think I saw you on a penny.

God: You again? I’ve forgiven you for freeing those n*****s, slavery is legal in the Bible, read it some time.

Lincoln: I’m here to protest you from letting this evil man in Heaven and as a victim of a shooting myself, I have to put a stop to this.

God: Who the fuck do you think you are? And who are you to judge evil, you started a war.

Lincoln: No I didn’t, the south did.

God: “Honest Abe” telling a lie, tisk tisk.

Lincoln: I am not lying, just because you disagree with me on the morality of slavery, doesn’t mean I’m a liar.

God: How dare you! I make the rules and Heston is a moral man, period. I gave you your chance, now it’s time to burn!

(God pulls lever and Lincoln falls through the trap door, but grabs Heston’s ankle.)

Heston: Take your stinking hand off of me you damn dirty abe!

(Lincoln falls into hell.)

God: Fucking liberal. As for the rest of you children, some priest needs you right now, scram!

Reagan: Who are you?

Heston: No, who are you?

Reagan: No, who are you?

Heston: No, who are you?

God: Me damn it! Do I have to put up with an eternity of this shit?

Reagan: Wait, first who am I?

Heston: Yeah, I don’t know who I am either. We should be friends...whoever you are.

Bad Coach

The coach of the Snakes football team has run a very bad game, he’s lucky his team is down only 35-0 at the beginning of the fourth quarter. The other team, the Ospreys at the beginning of the quarter have taken the ball down to the twenty yard line on a five-minute drive and kicked a field goal extending the lead to 38-0. Then the Snakes made a successful drive that took five minutes and ended in a touchdown cutting the Osprey lead to 38-7, but they left only 4:46 on the clock. The Snakes on the kickoff messed up the on-side kick giving the Ospreys good field position. On the sideline, the coach is celebrating.

Coach: Yay! We will go all the way!

Quarterback: Coach, it’s over we’ve lost.

Coach: No we won’t, we have the momentum in this quarter.

Wide Receiver: Yeah, but we only cut the lead by 4 in this quarter and we won’t have time to even tie the game.

Coach: Well, we are in it to win it.

Running Back: No we aren’t, just admit the Ospreys played better than us.

Coach: No they didn’t, they can’t handle the heat so they should get out of the kitchen.

Tight End: Huh?

Guard: The other team just scored.

Coach: Well, get on field and win for me. Just watch out for sniper fire.

Center: Sniper fire? Are you on crack?

Coach: No, just inspired by my presidential candidate.

Tackle: That explains a lot.

Happy Earth Day!

A Tale of Two Cults

Husband: Honey, did you hear they busted some leader of a child molestation cult?

Wife: I hope they severely punish that sick bastard, nobody should stand for that.

Husband: On a completely unrelated topic, the pope is meeting with the president today.

Wife: Wonderful.

Happy Easter

Mother: Happy Easter children!

Child 1: What happens on Easter?

Mother: You know that man who we celebrated being born last December?

Child 2: Sorta.

Mother: Well, we get to celebrate his imprisonment, brutal and bloody torture and death, and him coming back from the grave.

Children: Huh?

Mother: But there will be candy!

Children: YAY!!!!!

White and Black Racism

White Man: Hey dude, isn’t it sad that there is still racism in this country.

Black Man: I hear you, it has even happened to me and my family.

White Man: Me too.

Black Man: Really?

White Man: Yeah, the other day I went to a comedy club and this black comedian pointed me out and called me a “cracker.” I stormed out and he continued to call me names, I was so embarrassed.

Black Man: Well, my ancestors came over to this country crammed on board boats and about half of them died. Then they were subjected to centuries of slavery. After slavery, they were hunted down by Klansman and a few of them were lynched. Then they were forced to work as sharecroppers for little money and were treated like crap from segregation and Jim Crow laws. After those laws were abolished, the racism didn’t end. My dad one day was pulled over by a cop for doing nothing and shot twenty times and died; the cop was let off the hook. My mom had to raise me alone and we eventually had our welfare money taken away. This led me to have to sell drugs and I was eventually arrested. I was sent away for hard time while the sons of rich white men had good lawyers and only did community service. I’m still trying to get on my feet, but the Bush economy is making it hard.

White Man: Wow, that’s an amazing story. Both of our stories are amazing and we will one day conquer racism.

Black Man: (sigh) Whatever dude.

Lost Productivity

Boise Idaho-Every year, the NCAA basketball tournament also known to sports fans as “March Madness” costs businesses billions in revenue due to employees being less productive. Also every year, researchers come out with studies showing the amount of money lost. Now there is a stunning new trend on the rise: loss of productivity due to loss of productivity studies.

“We never saw it coming” says the CEO of Gerbilco Walter Pinkton “this company alone is losing millions from it.”

Yes that’s right, those “harmless” studies done on lost productivity costs businesses money.

Professor Louis Appletree of Southern Idaho Technological University has come out with the first report of its kind on this unusual but costly new trend. “This year it could cost us half a billion dollars in lost productivity. Although this is less than the amount lost from the (March Madness), it is still a lot.” Asked why it costs so much, the professor tells us bluntly. “Employees are obsessed with distraction, many aren’t given enough vacation time, so they make it up at work. They see a study about lost productivity from the (March Madness) and email it to their coworkers. Their coworkers read it and send it to others until the entire workforce does nothing but read it.”

The professor adds another more unusual scenario to his study.

“Sometimes businesses try to prevent their employees from paying any attention to the (March Madness) and this causes them to go elsewhere for their fix.”

The CEO of Bunnytech Marvin Goatslayer agrees with Professor Appletree.

“The other day I saw ten of my workers gathered together not working of course and I saw them do something I couldn’t believe: productivity loss brackets. Each of them had a list of corporation names with the monetary amount next to it waiting for the March Madness to end to see how much revenue each lost. The one who guessed the right amount would get all the money. I was furious, I ripped each bracket apart, I almost fired everyone of them.”

More and more businesses are seeing this happen and many are coming up with measures to try to stop it. Even so, Professor Appletree also warns of a potential trend we may see in the near future.

“My study could have disastrous results. Businesses might start to lose productivity because of this study and then lose productivity from studies that show lost productivity from this study. It could start a chain reaction that would not end until every employee of every business stops working because they are too busy reading about how unproductive they are. Hopefully this study will be a warning to everyone to be more productive, but most likely they will just read this instead.”

Look Over There!

Hagee and Parsley: We hate Jews, feminists, Muslims, Catholics, and homosexuals! By the way, we endorse McCain.

Conservative Bloggers: Yawn.

Hagee and Parsley: Look over there!

Wright: Rich white people suck.

Conservative Bloggers: GET HIM!!!!!

Mainstream Media: Wait for us! Obama is going to have to do some explaining.

McCain: (whistling)

Happy Fucking Pi Day!

Oh yeah, fuck Ann Coulter too!

John W McCain

McCain: I win, I win! I...what are you doing here?

Bush: Me won’t let you take my house, never, never, never, never!

Cheney: Junior, you have to give it up. John will continue your policies and you can reap the benefits of your terror in retirement.

McCain: Well, first we have to defeat that ni...liberal Osa...Obama and we will rule the country again.

Cheney: The Republican Party is in a dangerous crossroads, we can hope the Democrats don’t do any investigations of our crimes. If they do, we will tell them to go fuck themselves.

McCain: My fear is that Bush’s low poll numbers will drag me down.

Bush: Me no not have low poll numbers, me have 91 percent app, approval ratings.

McCain: You dyslexic dumbass, it’s 19 percent.

Cheney: You shouldn’t throw stones in a glass house, at your age you might start to get senile.

McCain: Senile, swenile. I have a great memory, Penis.

Cheney: My name is Dick.

McCain: Uh oh.

Bush: Heh heh heh heh, “dick”.

Tale of Two Bigots

Media Whore: Senator Obama, do you condemn and reject an Islamic bigot who endorsed you and makes a lot of stupid and offensive statements?

Obama: Yes I do.

Media Whore: Are you sure?

Obama: Absolutely.

Media Whore: We’ll see, I’ll ask you the same question a zillion more times in the future.

(Day Later)

Media Whore: Senator McCain, do you condemn and reject a Christian bigot who endorsed you and makes a lot of stupid and offensive statements?

McCain: Uh, not really. But I do disagree with some of the things he says.

Media Whore: Okay, that’s good enough for me.

McCain: Bomb bomb bomb, bomb bomb Iran.

Where have all the Kerosene gone?

Store Owner: Jerry, do me a favor and raise the price of kerosene.

Jerry: Again? This is the third time this week.

Store Owner: Supply and demand, we had plenty of it last month, but for some mysterious reason I have sold over 90% of it since. I can’t get anymore of it until next week. The store owner a mile down the street sold his last canister this morning.

Jerry: But why would anybody buy that much?

Store Owner: Beats me Jerry, beats me.

(a mile away)

Klansman 1: (dousing cross with kerosene) We need to step it up, only a few more months until election day.

Klansman 2: I don’t like that McCain cause some caller named Karl told me he fathered a black baby, but I would choose him over that n***** Obama.

Klansman 3 (Skippy): He’s only 6.25% n*****, but still pfft!

Klansman 4: Maybe we should stop wasting our time burning these crosses, hang up our sheets, and volunteer for McCain’s campaign so the n***** doesn’t get elected.

All: (laughing)

Klansman 1: Nah, I will go down to the store and buy some more kerosene and we will have a party when I return.

Klansman 5: A lynching party?

Klansman 4: Bill, is that you?

Klansman 5: Shut up!

Klansman 3: Pfft!!!!!

New England Patriots Act 2

(Phoenix, Arizona. More than a week before the Super Bowl.)

Coach Belichick: Ah, I can just smell the 19-0 season and it’s all thanks to you Tom.

Brady: Don’t forget about the you-know-what.

Coach Belichick: Shhh, I’m in deep crap already. I thought this was going to go away the first week at the Jets.

Brady: Well, it’s none of my concern, I have to win the game.

Coach Belichick: Well, practice with your backup center.

Brady: But he sucks!

Coach Belichick: I owe him one for helping me, plus he never fumbles.

Brady: Yeah, yeah, yeah, Larry has a wide stance, I know.

Coach Belichick: Now go practice Tom.

(Brady walks away, Coach Belichick dials phone)

Coach Belichick: Hello Michael, is Senator Specter still on my ass about the taping? Goodell sang again? Damn. Alright, I entrust you with this duty and I will let you wear my lucky hoodie for a week. Okay, goodbye. (Hangs up)

(an hour later on the practice field)

Brady: Alright guys, that was great. But the defense needs to step up, we don’t want to give up a late game winning touchdown.

Randy Moss: Don’t worry, we will score at least three touchdowns in the first quarter, they will never catch up!

Brady: That’s if we don’t give up a long drive in the first quarter. We want a quick three-and-out. So defense, step it up all of you. Seau, Wilfork, Thomas, Vrabel, Samuels, Harrison, Hobbs, Bruschi, Seymour, Gay...

Larry: I am not gay and I have never been gay.

Matt Light: Oh crap.

Brady: No, I mean Randall Gay the cornerback. Besides, you are late.

Larry: At my age it’s hard to move around.

Brady: Well, just don’t stall us anymore.

Wes Welker: “Stall” is the right word for Larry. (chuckles)

Brady: Alright Dan, Larry will be the center for a few plays.

Dan Koppen: Okay, what harm could he do? (walks to sideline)

Brady: Okay, Santa Clause 767, eunuch, goldfish, pirate...

(Before Tom Brady can continue the call, Larry gets a sudden urge to tap on Brady’s foot and he backs out off the line while Brady is telling the players the play. Larry’s foot misses Brady’s foot and bumps into his ankle. Brady falls to the ground.)

Brady: Oh god that hurts!

Larry: Did I do something wrong?

Laurence Maroney: Yes you did.

Larry: I’m sorry.

Stephen Neal: Why don’t you go away, you’ve done enough damage.

Larry: But I didn’t do anything.

Ben Watson: But you just apologized.

Larry: I withdraw my apology.

Brady: Just listen to them you idiot! Ow, get me some ice.

Logan Mankins: Will you be okay by the Super Bowl?

Brady: I hope so.

Adalius Thomas: I have an idea, put a boot on your foot and make people think you are injured even though you are and say you aren’t injured for a week.

Brady: I’ll try that. But I’m more afraid I won’t be able to move around in the pocket.

Stephen Neal: Don’t worry, we will protect you the same way we protected you all season.

Logan Mankins: We won’t allow one sack. (winks)

Brady: Good, now I have to go see my girlfriend, she and I um, well I won’t get into details.

Larry: You are a nasty naughty boy.

Brady: I thought I told you to leave.

(some time after the Super Bowl in the Senate Chamber of the US Capitol)

Senator Specter: First off, my condolences to the Patriots for being losers, I mean for not winning and I assure you this meeting has nothing to do with me being an Eagles fan and seeking revenge. We are here to investigate allegations that you have taped the defensive calls of other teams since 2000. This is an important investigation and we have time to investigate it because there is nothing else going on right now in Washington that rises to the level of corruption in sports. (clears throat) Now Mr. Belichick, what do you have to say.

Coach Belichick: Actually, I have a spokesperson to speak for me on this issue, most of you already know him.

Michael Mukasey: Good morning, sorry I’m late. I got my shirt all wet from (cough) doing something totally legal I guarantee.

Senator Kennedy: I feel your pain if you (hiccup) know what I mean. Please continue.

Michael Mukasey: I think you all are treating my friend very wrongly, he is completely innocent of the allegations.

Senator Specter: But we have evidence that that jackass, I mean Mr. Belichick has been spying on his opponents.

Michael Mukasey: Well, it depends on what your definition of “spying” is.

Senator Kennedy: Well, he hires someone to hold a camera and tape the other team’s hand signals and changes the play in accordance to what the film shows, I consider that “spying”.

Michael Mukasey: Well, I don’t.

Senator Kennedy: Would it be spying if I did it to you?

Michael Mukasey: We can go on all day about definitions of words and allegations of spying, taping, cheating, plans to waterboard the New York Giants, and other outrageous claims, but we won’t go anywhere.

Senator Kennedy: Who said anything about waterboarding?

Michael Mukasey: Uh...(random noises)...nobody did. (smirks)

Senator Kennedy: Jesus Christ Chuck, where the hell did you find this freak?

Senator Schumer: Don’t blame me, I was high at the time!

Michael Mukasey: (animal noises)

Happy Birthday Charles Darwin!

199 years old.

Delegantary School

A Kindergarten class of 20 (10 boys and 10 girls) arrive to class and the teacher Miss Applegate hands each of them a small piece of paper with two options on it: blue or purple. The classroom is getting repainted and those were the two color options. Everyone votes and the teacher reads the results.

Applegate: It’s a landslide, 20-0 for blue.

Class: Yay!

Applegate: But wait, there are more votes.

Ross: More? All 20 of us showed up.

Juliet: Nobody was sick today, we all came to make sure the class wouldn’t get painted stupid purple.

Applegate: This vote is from me, I should have a say in what color it is. I actually like purple, so I voted that way. So did Mrs. Smith.

Jerry: Mrs. Smith? The substitute?

Martha: She only sat in for you twice.

Applegate: Yeah, but she might sit in for me again if I’m sick again. In her opinion, purple is a beautiful color. Mr. Winters also agrees.

Pamela: Mr. Winters?

Mitch: Our former teacher?

Applegate: Yes, it would make him happy if the class he taught in for ten years before he was diagnosed with cancer earlier this year was painted his favorite color.

Meg: Well, that makes it 20-3 in favor of blue, so blue wins.

Applegate: Well, not exactly.

Darren: Huh?

Applegate: You see, although there are 20 of you, you are only 2 delegates. 10 children make one delegate, but teachers, substitute teachers, and former teachers of this class are “super delegates” and our votes count ten times more than your votes. So if my math is correct, there are 3 super delegates for purple against 2 delegates for blue, so purple wins.

Steve: But that is stupid!

Applegate: Steve, do you want to go to time out?

Steve: No Miss Applegate.

Applegate: Good. Class, you just got a good lesson in democracy, isn’t it exciting? Nap time! (turns out light)

Renee: (whispering) Democracy is stupid.

Corey: The fix was in from the beginning.

Georgia: I should have a talk with the school Dean about this.

Peter: If Miss Applegate thinks us kids can’t make decisions for ourselves, well she is wrong.

Emily: I sure hope this doesn’t happen in the adult world outside of this class.

Chester: Nah, nobody would do that; if they did, they would be a total poopyhead!

Restless Leg Syndrome

A man starts rolling around in bed and accidentally kicks his wife.

Wife: Ouch! You kicked me in the fucking balls!

Man: Sorry.

Wife: You’ve done this before. I’m leaving, I’ll come back when you stop.

The wife leaves to go to her mom’s house and the man is left alone. He goes to the doctor and the doctor gives him some pills for his restless legs. He gets home and reads the bottle.

Man: Hmmm, side effects include excess gambling. I won’t do any gambling.

He takes a few pills and goes to sleep. After a few days, he kicks in bed less and less. One day he gets this sudden urge to go to gamble. He gets on a plane and flies to Las Vegas and stays at a casino and hotel. He starts to bet all the money he has and after a few hours loses it all. He then maxes out his credit cards and sells all of his stuff. After an hour he loses that money too. He sells his plane tickets to gamble that money too. He is now broke and spends his last quarter to call his wife.

Man: Hi honey, I got rid of my restless legs, but I lost all of our money in Vegas. Hello? (hangs up phone) I didn’t see that coming, I guess I’ll hitch hike home.

The man starts sticking his thumb out and asking for rides. Cars drive by and splash mud on his pants, but nobody stops. He gives up and starts walking home down the highway. After four hours, he gets exhausted from the heat and falls to the ground. People continue to drive by and ignore him. He looks down and notices a rattlesnake crawling up his pants. He panics and the snake bites him. He gets up and starts running, but the venom overtakes him and he falls down. He lies there thinking about his life and what he has accomplished. He then starts to think about his wife when suddenly he gets a revelation.

Man: I kicked my wife in the balls? What the fuck? (dies)

It’s Alive!

Igor: Master, the plans.

Frankenstein: Great, I will create a monster. It will pander to the evangelical right of the Republican Party. It will win the 2008 election by speaking to the base.

(Lightning Strikes)

Frankenstein: It’s Alive!

Monster: Mmmmm!!!!!

Frankenstein: I will name you "Huckabee." Say something.

Monster: Take this nation back for Christ.

Frankenstein: Yes.

Monster: Aids patients should be quarantined.

Frankenstein: Yes!

Monster: Abortion is like the holocaust.

Frankenstein: YES!!!!!

Monster: I don’t believe in evolution.

Frankenstein: YES!!!!!!!!!!!

Monster: Onward to the primaries!

Frankenstein: Wait, we need to repackage you so nobody thinks you are a freak.

Monster: Ahhhh!!!!! (crashes through wall and runs away)

Frankenstein: Uh no, the non-evangelical voters will see him as a freak and we will never beat Obama.

Igor: Master, how about we speak to the racist voters.

Frankenstein: Great, you get a cookie.

Igor: (scarfs it down)

Frankenstein: We need somebody who will start a racist smear campaign about Obama, get me Rove’s brain!

Igor: Yes master.

Prioritize This

2012

An old man named George Mitchell wakes up and gets out of his bed. He reads two papers, the Murdoch Times and the Murdoch Post, both say the same thing about the war in Greece to find WMD. He throws his paper into the garbage because the recycling plant has closed down. He gets into his was that gets 10 miles to the gallon and drives to the US Capitol. He drives around trying to avoid the streets flooded from global warming. There isn’t any crime on the street, not because the poverty problem was solved (it’s gotten worse), but because there is a soldier armed with an uzi on every corner ready to fire at anybody who looks suspicious. Mitchell drives slowly around the potholes in the road. Although he is one of the few who could afford healthcare, he wants to avoid being treated by the doctors who were trained in the US due to cuts in education funding. He drives by a KKK rally and a house on fire, but the home owner didn’t pay for privatized fire coverage, so the fire engine just drives by. Mitchell notices every person wearing a business suit is a man and some of them stop to pray their mandated prayer; but don’t try praying to Allah, it’s forbidden. Mitchell reaches the Capitol and walks past at least ten microphones and cameras before he enters the building. He is to testify in front of the senate which for some reason due to recent voting patterns on Diebold machines is entirely Republican. The room which he walks into is sponsored by Exxon-Mobile-Shell-Texaco-BP-Chevron and he sits down at a table.

Senator Abramoff: Do you have your results on this extremely important issue.

George Mitchell: I do...there are currently 13 players in the NHL who have use steroids.

You are no Jack Kennedy

Mitt Romney: Good morning, today I’m going to defend my religion by attacking those who have no religion.

Infamy

Teacher: Now students, today marks the 66th anniversary of one of the world’s most despicable and cowardly invasions of all times. While the responsible party was being involved in another war, they decided that the target I’m talking about was a threat to them. These people were blood thirsty and hell bent on imperialism and they would have their attack, nobody could stop them. So they sent airplanes and missiles to bomb thousands of innocent people. They tried to fight back, but the damage was too great. That day will live in infamy forever and today March 20th 2069, we remember that attack.

Student: Tell us about Pearl Harbor too.

Teacher: Sure.

While It's Still Legal

Jesus the Teddy Bear.

Good Bye!

Impeachment

2007

Republican: How dare Kucinich try to impeach the president and vice president! They just lied us into war and committed treason, that’s not any reason to impeach them.

1998

Republican: BLUE DRESS, BLUE DRESS!!!!! IMPEACH, IMPEACH!!!!!

Mu“Krazy”

The new choice for Attorney General Michael Mukasey is up for a vote in committee, but the senators discover something about his viewpoint during his testimony.

Democrat: I was troubled by your viewpoint on child rape. Do you think it is wrong?

Mukasey: Uh, I wouldn’t know.

Democrat: Come on, give us a clear answer.

After hearing this, a few Democrats decide to take a stand.

Democrat: We must oppose this monster, he doesn’t represent the country!

But a few other Democrats don’t share this opposition.

Democrat: Well, maybe we shouldn’t put up a fight, it’s not nice.

Meanwhile the other side solidifies their support for the nominee.

Republican: He is qualified and the Democrats are just being obstructionists!

As the senators look like they are going to vote for him, Mukasey’s supporters celebrate.

Child Molester: Yay! I’m getting me a baby!

Up next: Mukasey and his view on torture and water boarding.

Halfwitz redux

Horowitz: Ah!

Conservative: Sorry David, Islamo-fascist Awareness Week is over. Next year will be better, right David?

Horowitz: Ah!

Conservative: I’ll take that as a “yes.”

UFOs and Ghosts

Poll: One-third of Americans believe in ghosts, UFOs

Husband: Did you read this honey?

Wife: What?

Husband: One-third of Americans believe in fictitious beings like ghosts and UFOs.

Wife: That is preposterous!

Husband: How can any rational person believe in that garbage these days? These people live in a lie and dedicate their time to complete nonsense. Pathetic.

Wife: Are you ready for church?

Husband: I’ll get my shoes on.

Stark Raving Sane

Bush is in his bed dreaming.

Bush’s Dream: Ten American troops in Iraq start to shoot at a car and all the occupants in it die.

Bush: (snoring) Heh heh.

Bush’s Dream: An American humvee gets blown up by an IED.

Bush: (snoring) Heh heh.

Bush’s Dream: Him, Cheney, and Osama are dancing in oil while mercenaries are killing Iraqi civilians.

Bush: (snoring) Heh heh heh heh...

Cheney: Uh, George, wake up.

Bush: (wakes up) What are it Uncle Dick?

Cheney: Some congressman smeared you by saying that we are in Iraq for your amusement. I told him to go fuck himself.

Bush: Heh heh, that are no true. Me are in Iraq for the freedom.

Cheney: Good, now get some more sleep, I will go eat a puppy.

Bush: (falls asleep, snoring) Heh heh heh heh heh, death and destruction, heh heh heh heh...

Limbaugh the Hut

Star Wars Parody

Luke: I’m looking for a great warrior.

Yoda: War is not great.

Limbaugh the Hut: (mumbling) You are a phony soldier.

Luke: Who are you?

Limbaugh the Hut: I’m el Rushbo, talent on loan from the force.

Yoda: Yoda I am. Fought in the Clone Wars I did. A big fat idiot you are.

Limbaugh the Hut: (pops pills)

Luke: You smeared his military service because he supports peace, you are shameful.

Goon: Limbaugh no bother.

Limbaugh the Hut: Let me handle this. My friends (heavy slurring).

Luke: What did he say?

C3PO: I don’t know Master Luke, his weird language does not compute.

Chewy: Uhhhhh!

Limbaugh the Hut: (slurring)

Coultergeist

Media Person: Greeting.

Coulter: Harmless joke.

Media Person: Topic on hand.

Coulter: Slightly offensive joke.

Media Person: Chuckle.

Coulter: Clinton joke.

Media Person: Changes topic.

Coulter: Very offensive statement.

Media Person: Semi-outrage.

Coulter: Defends and elaborates offensive statement.

Media Person: Pretends to be outraged. (Invites her back in a few months.)

Coulter: Self righteous statement, book endorsement, and Clinton joke.

Repeat again in a few months.

Halfawitz

Conservative: So Mein Fuhrer, I mean David are you ready for the Islamo-fascist awareness week?

Horowitz: Ah! Yes, I am and, Ah! We will get those ragheads!

Conservative: Are you okay?

Horowitz: I’m better now. We will let the world know how evil those Islamo-fascists are and we will ah! Stop them.

Conservative: Are you sure you’re okay?

Horowitz: It comes and goes, it’s a tick. I get it every time I think about them Islamo-Ah! Fascists.

Conservative: Maybe you should see a doctor about that.

Horowitz: I Ah! Am Ah! Okay Ah! We just need to get them Islamo-fascists.....Ah!

Conservative: Good. And once the liberals are out of the way, we will put all of the Muslims in camps. It will be great. Fight fire with fire and fight fascism with fascism. Do you agree?

Horowitz: Ah!

Conservative: I’ll take that as a "yes."

Crime and Punishment

Whenever someone commits a crime, the punishment always fits the crime.

Example 1:

Mother: Did you spill juice on the carpet?

Child: Yes Mommy.

Mother: Go stand in the corner.

Example 2:

Erik Prince: Did you kill 17 innocent Iraqis in cold blood?

Mercenary: Yes boss.

Erik Prince: Go stand in the corner.

Well, (chuckle) the punishment almost always fits the crime.

GiuliaNine-Eleven

Rudolph Giuliani gets elected president and is making his first State of the Union Address.

Giuliani: So 9/11 taught me that...(phone rings)...hold on. Hello. It’s my wife. Honey, this is not the right time, in fact I can see you in the balcony. Wait, I see some security guards and they have tasers. Oh no, they are shocking...hello? My call was just dropped, I blame 9/11. Anyways, 9/11, 9/11, 9/11.

Kerry: (in the audience to himself) He handled himself well.

Later on

Miss Giuliani: Why didn’t you do something?

Giuliani: 9/11, I mean why did you have to call me in the first place? The bit is getting old.

Miss Giuliani: How dare you blame me.

Giuliani: Actually I blame 9/11.

Miss Giuliani: That’s it, I’m divorcing you. See you in court.

Giuliani: Wait! 9/11 damn it, what the 9/11 is her problem, 9/11? I need to find someone new. Someone who shares my interests.

Coulter: We should invade their countries, kill their leaders, and convert them to Christianity.

Giuliani: Why hello there, what’s your 9/11, I mean name?

Condemnations

1776

We of the British Parliament would like to condemn the colonist attack on our king.

2007

We of the US Senate would like to condemn the Moveon.org attack on General Petraeus.

The Devolution of the American

First Day: Awful, he was tasered for saying something at a Kerry speech. We are becoming just like the Nazis.

Second Day: Well, the guy was being a little annoying, but still he shouldn’t have been tasered.

Third Day: You know what, the police have the upper hand in these situations. The kid should have shut up when he was arrested.

Fourth Day: You know what, this kid deserved to be tasered. Actually, it was kind of funny.

Eventually: Sieg Heil!

Hell of a Lot of People

One million Iraqis show up at the pearly gates in heaven. Men, women, children, elders, and babies are all mangled from bombs and bullets. Every one of them is worried and asking Peter to get in. Peter asks God for help.

Peter: Oh God?

God: Not now, this sexy angel wants to give me a blow...

Peter: Now, it’s urgent.

God: Okay, what the fuck is it?

Peter: Look.

God: Holy shit, I haven’t seen this many people since Adolph sent me six million.

Peter: What should I do?

God: Leave it to me, I’m in the mood for a little humor. Watch this.

Iraqi: Are we in heaven?

God: Uh, almost.

Iraqi: Are you Allah?

God: No, but I can go get him for you.

Iraqi: Great, I guess we were right then.

God: Just a second, oh Allah! (walks into a room and walks out wearing a mask and a towel on his head) It’s me Allah!

Everyone: Allahu Akbar!

God: Ha ha, fooled you. I’m the Christian god, you dumb Muslims. Now you will all go to hell.

Iraqi: All of us? What about Bush, he sent us to our deaths.

God: Bush in hell? Pfft, yeah right. Bush is my greatest follower. I talk to him every day.

Iraqi: Didn’t you say it is wrong to kill?

God: Wrong to kill other Christians. Besides, I put that commandment somewhere in the middle. I put the “no other gods” one first. That includes Muslims. So goodbye motherfuckers! (pulls lever, the Iraqis get stuck in trap door) Shit, there are too many of them. Okay, you know what to do Ronald.

Reagan: (with sledge hammer) Mr. Whoever-I-Am, tear down these Iraqis.

Iraqis: Hey, this isn’t fair!

Reagan hits every head with his sledge hammer like whac-a-mole until everyone falls into hell.

God: Good job, send those asshats to hell.

Peter: You know you can be a real prick sometimes.

God: At least I have my memory.

Both: (laugh)

Peter: I love you God.

God: I love you too.

Reagan: What did you say? Who am I? Where am I? Hey, isn’t that Jane Wyman? I think I was once married to her.

Alternate History

Once the Democrats gained the majority in the House and Senate, they refused to allow any more funds to go to the Iraq War. Anytown, USA. A young soldier named Malcolm gets picked up from the airport by his parents and arrives home.

Dad: Welcome home son.

Mom: It’s been a long time since you’ve been here.

Malcolm: I know, I thought I’d never get back.

Mom: Well, thanks to our Democratic congressman, you did.

Dad: We were worried that you wouldn’t get the supplies, but it actually forced Bush and the military to not continue the war.

Mom: And it brought you home.

Malcolm: Yeah, I would have been sent back for a so-called “surge”, but three tours is enough. I really got tired of doing the same stuff everyday. We would occupy a town, the people would want us out of there, we would get attacked, then retaliate, and more innocent people got caught in the cross fire. I felt like it was unwinnable. The most insulting duty I had to do was to protect the oil companies from attacks. I got sick of it. All I wanted was money for college, I guess it’s time to get back on track.

Dad: But what about Al Qeada?

Malcolm: Well, Bush told us that everybody who fought against us was Al Qeada. That was pure bullshit.

Mom: Watch your mouth son.

Malcolm: Sorry. In fact, the actual Al Qeada numbers were so small, the Iraqi people took care of them for us after we left. Apparently once we left, there was no longer a recruiting tool for Bin Laden. Also, our leaving of Iraq might cause the Iranians to oust what’s-his-face, I’m-mad-in-the-head.

Dad: Good for us all.

Mom: Thank goodness for the Democrats. They refused to listen to criticism and they did the right thing.

Dad: Hey guys, the impeachment proceedings for Bush and Cheney have started.

Malcolm: Turn up the volume.

Mom: I’ll make some popcorn.

Out of Iraq Now or Later

2003

Democrat: I think we need to get out of Iraq now!

Republican: Pfft, you are radical, give it four years and everything will be fine.

2007

Democrat: I think we need to get out of Iraq now!

Republican: Pfft, you are radical, give it four years and everything will be fine.

Bush Quote

“We’re kicking ass in Iraq.”-Bush

Abu Ghraib Guard: Well, not “kicking.”

Iraqi Prisoner: Ah! Not the broomstick!

New England Patriots Act

(Giants Stadium, New Jersey. Patriots sideline.)

Coach Belichick: Congratulations on that last touchdown.

Brady: Thank you, it’s almost like you know the hand signals of the Jets.

Coach Belichick: Well, I have someone helping me. He used to work for the government, but I felt sorry for him, so I hired him.

(Jets sideline)

Coach Mangini: Crap, how do they know what we are going to do?

Pennington: Beats me.

Man 1: (sneeze)

Coach Mangini: Bless you.

Pennington: I didn’t sneeze.

Man 1: (sneeze)

Coach Mangini: It came from over there.

Pennington: Who are you?

Man 1: Alberto.

Coach Mangini: What are you doing here?

Man 1: I don’t recall.

Pennington: What is that in your hands?

Man 1: I don’t know.

Coach Mangini: Is that a camera? Are you spying on us?

Man 1: My memory isn’t that good.

Security Guard: Better come with me mister.

Coach Mangini: I better have a talk with Bill Belichick.

(After the game)

Coach Mangini: Hey Bill, I found a man spying on us.

Coach Belichick: I don’t know what you are talking about.

Coach Mangini: I’m going to talk to Commissioner Goodell about this violation of the rules.

Coach Belichick: That is absurd. Besides, the rule is quaint.

Coach Mangini: That’s what he said too.

Coach Belichick: Crap!

Coach Mangini: By the way, where did he go?

(In a hospital room)

Man: Okay, I’m in a little pickle here. Can you sign off on this NFL spying program?

Injured Player: Go away!

(A day later in a mens room)

Coach Belichick: (walks into stall) Gosh, I can't believe I got caught.

Man 2: (in neighboring stall) What did you do?

Coach Belichick: I hired this man to tape the Jets.

Man 2: Wow, you are a naughty boy.

Coach Belichick: Yes, I guess I am.

Man 2: A nasty, naughty boy.

Coach Belichick: Yeah, a no good taper.

Man 2: Really? That changes everything. (reaches foot over)

Coach Belichick: No Larry, TAPER, not "TAPPER!"

Man 2: Sorry.

Man 1: (sneeze)

Coach Belichick: Is that you Alberto? I fired you, go away. Stop spying on us.

Man 2: I do have a solution for your problem.

Coach Belichick: Please tell.

(A day later)

Goodell: So Bill, you've confessed to spying on the Jets.

Coach Belichick: Nope, I've retracted my guilty plea.

Goodell: I didn't know you can do that.

Coach Belichick: A friend of mine gave me advice. In fact, I've hired him for a very special job.

(Meanwhile in Foxboro, Massachusetts)

Man 2: Tom!

Brady: Who are you?

Man 2: I'm your new Center.

Brady: But you are like 60 years old.

Man 2: I know, but I will never fumble the ball when I snap it. The coach said I have a "wide stance."

Happy 9/11!

Two children are about to open their presents on a warm 9/11 morning.

Boy and Girl: Happy 9/11 mom and dad!

Dad and Mom: Happy 9/11 kids!

Dad: Are you going to open your presents now or after you watch your morning propaganda cartoons on the telescreen?

Boy: Now, I’m really excited.

Mom: Sorry they aren’t as big this year as they were last year. The government lowered our rations so they can declare war on whatever country they tell us is our enemy.

Girl: Why do we have a palm tree as our 9/11 tree?

Dad: Because that’s the only thing that will grow up here in Chicago anymore since the sun got hotter. Some godless scientists 80 years ago told us it was because of the CO2, pfft, they were quickly silenced.

Mom: Now we use their bones as fertilizer for the tree.

Everyone: Ha ha ha!

Boy: What is so special about 9/11?

Mom: Did you forget what I told you during our government enforced home-schooling lesson?

Boy: Sorta, every time you guys beat me, I forget.

Dad: Let me tell him. Okay, 83 years ago on this day, some evil Muslims...

Girl: What’s a Muslim?

Dad: Some evil, double-plus ungood cult religion that was out to destroy our freedoms that we eventually wiped out after killing all one billion of them. President Tom Tancredo made sure of that. Anyway, a few of them flew airplanes into two skyscrapers and our intelligent and holy president George W Bush summoned Jesus and George Washington in heaven to take out Osama Bin Michael Moore and every year we celebrate that.

Girl: I thought it was Jesus and Abe Lincoln?

Mom: Condoleezza, what did I tell you about independent thoughts?

Girl: They are verboten?

Mom: Correct. Now let’s open some presents.

Girl: (opens present) Another Ann Coulter doll, you give me one every year.

Mom: This one has an adjustable Adams Apple. It cost only ten cents at Walmart. Thank god for laissez faire capitalism and slavery.

Boy: (opens present) All right, a real machine gun.

Dad: Now you can shoot people faster and better.

Boy: I want to shoot some n*****s right now. How about I shoot some in our yard right now?

Dad: Those slaves cost a pretty penny, but I’ll make a few exceptions. You need all the practice you can get since one day you will serve our great homeland in war.

Boy: That is swell.

Mom: This is the best 9/11 ever. We all appreciate the freedoms we have now. Group hug!

Boy: Hey sis, why aren’t you joining us?

Girl: This all seems a little wrong and crazy what we are doing.

Dad: Oh god.

Mom: Please, she didn’t mean it. Sorry, we will beat her extra hard tonight!

A camera in the ceiling catches everything. In Washington, a red light starts flashing.

CIA Agent: Code red, we have a thought crime in Chicago. Repeat, thought crime in progress. Bring the 6 year old traitor to the nearest Room 101. War is peace, freedom is slavery, ignorance is strength, and Big Brother is always watching.

Missionary Position

Some time in the 16th Century. A community on an island in the Carribean is having a funeral for a man who died from dysentery. His wife is mourning over the grave and the local priest is assuring her that he is with the sun god. Meanwhile, the man’s soul goes to the pearly gates.

Man: Where am I?

God: You are fucking dead, where the hell do you think you are?

Man: Are you the sun god?

God: Uh, I created the sun, does that count?

Man: Then you are the sun god.

God: (buzzer sound) Wrong. I’m the only god on Earth, Yahweh. My son Jesus died on the cross for your sins and bla bla bla you rejected him, so you are going to hell.

Man: Who is Jesus?

God: Oh shit, I forgot you haven’t heard of Christianity yet. When are those me-damn missionaries getting to your island? (an angel hands him a note) Oh good, a boat full of missionaries is about ready to land on your island to convert your people to Christianity including your wife. But, rules are rules and you are going to hell for eternity, bye! (pulls lever)

Man: (falls) AHHHHH!!!!!

God: Fucker!

Back to the island.

Native 1: Look, some foreigners in boats.

Native 2: Good. We can make friends and trade with them.

Missionary 1: Look, some savages on the island.

Missionary 2: Good. We can take their resources, enslave them, convert them to Christianity, and kill the resisters. In the name of Jesus of course.

Moral Equivalency for Dummies

From the author who brought you Ten Ways to Fuck Yourself and What the Hell is this Thing on my Forehead? bring you the new book Moral Equivalency for Dummies.

Today, we will spotlight Chapter Eight: Liberalism=Conservatism.

Here you will learn:

Why liberalism and conservatism are equally moral.

Why liberal truths have the same merit as conservative lies.

Why screwing the poor is equivalent to helping the poor.

Why supporting the war of killing and torture in Iraq is equivalent to peace and ending the war.

Why people who acknowledge global warming are equal to those who deny it despite the overwhelming evidence of global warming.

Why those who are racist and those who oppose racism are both equally moral.

When liberals and conservatives get into heated debates, both are wrong even though the liberal is telling the truth.

Why it is just best to be a moderate or apathetic pussy.

Next week, Chapter Nine: Roosevelt and Hitler, Peas from the same Pod?

Bigot Party

Everyone: Gooble gabble, gooble gabble, one of us, one of us!

Coulter: John Edwards is a fag.

O’reilly: Iraqis are primitive people.

Lou Dobbs: Immigrants have leprosy.

Bennett: Abort black babies.

Savage: Gays should gets AIDS and die.

Malkin: Put Muslims in internment camp.

Imus: Nappy headed hos.

Limbaugh: I hate black quarterbacks. Welcome to the club Tucker.

Carlson: Thank you. I feel so happy, I can bash a gay man against a bathroom stall.

Everyone: Ha ha ha! Gooble gabble, gooble gabble, one of us, one of us!

Confession Booth

A man in a Catholic church walks into a confession booth. A priest named Larry is on the other side. The man notices there are 2 holes in the wall, but ignores it.

Man: Forgive me father for I have sinned.

Father Larry looks through the smaller hole.

Man: Father, are you looking at me?

Larry: No my child, I uh am just looking at this hole, I can’t believe someone punched a hole in the wall. So, what is your sin?

Man: I shot and killed a man.

Larry: That’s awful, did you get on your knees to, uh...pray?

Man: Yes. The man was trying to kill me and I shot him first. Will god forgive me?

Larry: Yeth, I mean yes. By the way, are you married?

Man: Yes. Why is this relevant?

Larry: I’m married too, but we can’t let that get in the way of us being together if you know what I mean.

Man: Wait a second, priests can’t get married.

At this point, Father Larry is sticking his foot through the larger hole in the wall and tapping on the man’s foot.

Man: By the way, I’m a cop.

Larry: Shit!

Bush Brings up Vietnam

Critic: Isn’t it wrong that you bring the last major war our nation fought in? I mean, it was started for the wrong reasons, it killed lots of innocent civilians, and was an unwinnable quagmire. You don’t want this war to be like the last one, so why make the comparisons? I sort of get what you are saying about us not wanting to pull out like the last war and the enemy following us home, but why bring up the comparison after refusing to admit it for years. Besides, you didn’t even fight in the last war.

Hitler: You are wrong, I did fight in that war.

Critic: Sorry Mein Fuhrer.

Threat to the Homeland

(knocking)

Policeman: Open up, police.

Husband: Yes officer?

Policeman: Do you have any illegals?

Wife: No.

Husband: Why would you suspect that?

Policeman: Don’t lie to me, I have evidence and I’ll tear down this house if I have to. These illegals are a threat to the homeland and need to be deported. They want to destroy our way of life and bring us down. It’s the only “solution.”

Wife: Sorry, nobody here.

(creaking sound in attic)

Policeman: What’s that sound?

Husband: A mouse.

Policeman: No, you have illegals here.

Wife: Please sir, they didn’t do anything wrong.

Policeman: (pulls out gun) I’ll go upstairs and gather those illegals up. They’ll be in Auschwitz in no time.

Christianity vs Scientology

Christianity: A man named Jesus dies on a cross and comes back to life.

Scientology: A bunch of Thetans died in a volcano and are living in our bodies.

Christianity: Satan is something evil.

Scientology: Xenu is something evil.

Christianity: Sin makes us feel bad and we need to remove it.

Scientology: Engrams make us feel bad and we need them audited.

Christianity: The Bible.

Scientology: Dianetics.

Christianity: Founded on little evidence.

Scientology: Founded on little evidence.

Christianity: Disrespect for real science.

Scientology: Ditto.

Christianity: Has started countless wars, killed millions, and caused mass suppression of civil liberties.

Scientology: Has annoyed many people, killed one person (Lisa Mcpherson), and suppressed a few civil liberties through "fair game" tactics.

One is a cult and the other is a respected religion with over a billion followers. Try to guess which is which, have fun!

Rove’s Going Away Party

Bush: Us is going to miss you.

Rove: Yeah, I’m going back to Texas to retire from politics.

Cheney: Yeah, “retire”.

Rove: Shhhhh!

Delay: You can come over to my house anytime you want.

Rove: Alberto, did you bring entertainment?

Gonzales: I don’t recall.

Vitter: I brought some entertainment.

Prostitute: Hello.

Rove: That’s nice, a ho to fuck. Now, nobody kill her this time like we did last time.

Cheney: I’ll try.

Bush: Heh heh, looks like John Roberts are dancing.

Cheney: No junior, he’s having another seizure.

Roberts: I’m (twitch) fine.

Rove: This is a great party. I haven’t had a bash this good since I called Ann Richards a lesbian.

Everyone: Ha ha!

Rove: Well, let’s get this party started and...

(Bang)

Rove: What just happened?!?

Bush: It are Al qai, qai, Qaida!

Cheney: That was me. I ah, shot the prostitute in the face. Sorry, she was in her last throes.

Rove: She’s dead. Damn it! Alright this doesn’t leave the room.

Novak: I promise. Only leak the identity of CIA agents.

Rove: Shit, who will I fuck now?

Cheney: I have an idea.

Three hours later.

Rove: That was some great sex. Good night Jeff.

Gannon: Good night Karl.

Jose Can You See?

Juror: After being shown the zillionth different accusation, faked evidence, testimony given to us while he was tortured, and a video of the 9/11 terrorist attack, we find Jose Padilla guilty on all counts.

Justice judgement served.

Respect

Elder 1: I remember in the old days, we respected our elders.

Elder 2: Yeah, the youth don’t respect us.

Elder 1: Those ADD infected, loud music listening, lazy, stupid, fat, tattooed, disrespectful, pot smoking, video game playing, punk ass kids.

Elder 2: I wonder why they don’t respect us.

Elder 1: We will never know.

The “Fault” for Global Warming

A few scientists who were NOT paid by the oil companies have discovered what Republicans have been saying all along, that the melted ice caps aren’t going to flood the Earth. Instead, what really is happening is caused by the movement of the Earth’s crust. When the Plates shift, some areas will become flooded. Republicans have begun their gloating.

Republican Whore: You see, we don’t need to regulate CO2 emissions. In fact, the plates have been moving for millions of years.

Someone: I thought you told us the Earth is only a few thousand years old.

Republican Whore: Uhhhh.

A few scientists who were NOT paid by the oil companies AND the fundamentalist Christians have stated that last week’s study was not true and the Earth will flood due to God’s wrath for the fa...I mean homosexuals and not because of CO2 and...

Play Ball!

Jack: Did you see the game?

Bob: Yes, Barry Bonds now has the record for home runs.

Jack: Of course he did do those steroids.

Bob: Where do steroids come from?

Jack: I assume they get the stuff from testicles.

Bob: Milking balls to hit balls. Ha ha.

Jack: But whose balls do they take them from?

(Meanwhile in Washington, DC)

Bush: Give me the capability to wiretap more Americans!!!!!

Democrats: Yes master! Don’t call us weak on terrorism!

Double Standard

After years of neglect and lack of government enforcement, an interstate bridge in Minneapolis collapses killing five people.

Conservative: Uh, that is terrible.

A small group of terrorists blow up an interstate bridge killing five people.

Conservative: KILL ALL THE MUSLIMS!!!!! TORTURE THEM ALL, FUCK THE GENEVA CONVENTION!!!!! MURDER, DEATH, KILL!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

God Hates Albert Cirrus

I had my wisdom teeth out today, it went alright. But that raises the question: what the fuck is the reason for the teeth? Let me guess, God intelligently created the teeth as a prank joke on all of us, especially me. Either that or God is a fucking retard and doesn’t know how to make things work...or it was a prank joke.

God: Vestigial structure from evolution? Fucking idiot. That’s a prank joke so that you will have to remove them. The teeth impacted and got infected? Ha ha, jokes on you insignificant turd!

GOP Youtube Debates

Host: The first question goes to you McCain.

Man in Indiana: Senator, you recently went to Iraq with my congressman Mike Pence who said that Iraq is as safe as Indiana. Well, I don’t see suicide bombers or out of control mercenaries blowing stuff up around here and I’d like to know, what the hell is up with that?

McCain: Uhhhhh, bomb, bomb, bomb, bomb, bomb, Iran.

Host: Next question goes to Tancredo.

A Muslim and a Hispanic: Mr. Congressman, which of us do you hate more?

Tancredo: Good question. I hate you both, but the sand n***** I hate a little more and I can’t wait until I’m president so I can bomb your country.

Host: Okay, next question goes to you Giuliani.

NY Firefighter: Rudolph, why did you not upgrade the walkie talkie system so many of my buddies who died on 9/11 can still be alive today?

Giuliani: Uhhhhh, 9/11.

Host: Next question is for you Governor.

Dog: Bark bark bark.

Romney: Alright, I’m sorry about that. How many times do I have to apologize? I’m sorry for putting you on the roof. Oh yeah, no gay marriage.

Host: The last one is for you Ron Paul.

Man dressed in a chicken suit: Hey, I’m George Bush and I’m a chicken hawk. What do you think of my war.

Paul: Well, I think...

(Boom! Screen explodes.)

Paul: What was that?

Cheney: Um, that was me. I thought he was a real chicken and I shot the screen.

Host: What are you doing here?

Giuliani: 9/11.

STILL ON VACATION

ON VACATION

Dog Shit

Person 1: This food tastes like dog shit.

Person 2: Where did it come from? China?

Person 1: No, I think it came from Mitt Romney’s car roof.

Person 2: Then that is definitely dog shit.

La La La

Democrat: No more war!

Media: La la la.

Democrat: No more war!

Media: La la la.

Democrat: No more war!

Media: La la la.

Republican: Uh, no more war.

Media: Wow, this is news. Get a camera.

GOP Debates

Republican 1: I think we should double the size of Gitmo.

Republican 2: Bomb bomb bomb, bomb bomb Iran.

Republican 3: Let’s nuke Iran!

Republican 4: Let’s bomb Mecca!

Republican 5: Time to call Jack Bauer.

Republican 6: I don’t believe in evolution.

Republican 7: Ronald Reagan.

Republican 8: Gays should be discriminated against.

Ron Paul: I have something to say.

Media: Oh no, Paul is going to say something stupid.

Ventriloquism Bush Style

News Dude: Senator Lieberman, what is your position on Iran?

Lieberman: Heh heh, um, heh heh, me say bomb em, heh heh.

News Dude: You sound different Senator. Anyway, why do you think we should bomb Iran?

Lieberman: (sniffing sound)

News Dude: Are you okay?

Lieberman: Heh heh.

In Washington, DC

Cheney: Junior, put down that coke and go back to your ventriloquism routine on Joementum.

Bush: Heh heh, me is busy.

Cheney: Damn, I should have never trusted the dummy to talk for the dummy. My turn.

Back in the newsroom.

News Dude: Sir, why do you want to bomb than torture the Iranian people.

Lieberman: I uh, never said that. Go fuck yourself.

Time for Something Different

My favorite sports:

1. Professional Football

2. College Football

3. Professional Hockey

4. College Basketball

5. Soccer

Least favorite sports

1. Nascar

2. Golf

3. Horse Racing

4. Poker (when it’s on tv)

5. Professional Baseball

Moore is at it Again

Republican: I hate Michael Moore! Now he is making a movie bashing our awesome healthcare industry. That’s it, I’m calling Michael Moron and telling him what I think.

(Ring)

Bruce Willis: Hello.

Republican: Michael Moore, I hate you. You hate America. You are vile and I would like to kick the shit out of your fat ass and...

Bruce Willis: Um, I’m not Michael Moore, I’m Bruce Willis.

Republican: Oh. I got the name of the movie and the phone number of the movie star and I assumed it was Moore’s number.

Bruce Willis: You are the twentieth person to do this.

Republican: I read the name Live Free or Die Hard and I assumed it was Moore’s healthcare movie.

Bruce Willis: Idiot. (hangs up)

Based on a True Story Part Zillion

1933

FDR: Good morning gentlemen, we are here to discuss ways to fix the Great Depression. Yes sir.

Skippy: We are not in a depression.

FDR: Yes we are.

Skippy: No we aren’t. I asked a few economists and they said I’m right, so I’m right.

FDR: Well, we are in a depression, most economists agree with me. If we don’t do something to make it better, people will go hungry.

Skippy: Scare tactics! I thought you said we have nothing to fear but fear itself?

FDR: What do you mean? We are in a depression and we need solutions, not denial.

Skippy: Oh I see what you are getting at, you are starting your own religion!

FDR: What? This is nonsense, get him out of here.

Skippy: Oh now you are using Leninist tactics against me! Commie, you hate capitalism! PFFT!!!!! (leaves)

FDR: I sure hope nobody listens to him.

Annoy(ing) Hilton

Black man: What are you in for?

Paris Hilton: Uh, um I think driving drunk then violating my probation. What are you in for boy?

Black man: I was caught with a small bag of weed and I’m here for five years.

Paris Hilton: That’s hot, I’m here for a few days.

Black man: So you threatened lives while driving drunk and are here for a few days and I wanted to smoke a little weed and I got five years.

Paris Hilton: Right, I guess.

Lawyer: Good news Paris, you are free!

Paris Hilton: Yay! Free at last! Justice is served! Time to go fuck some strangers and get shit faced!

Black man: Hey, what about me?

Guard: Shut up ni...

Shut up and Sing

Republican 1: Did you hear about the Hollywood celebrity who is getting involved in politics?

Republican 2: I wish they would just shut up and sing, all of them!

Republican 3: Yeah. On an entirely irrelevant and unrelated topic, Fred Thompson is running for president.

Republican 1: Amazing! I’d like to vote for him, he would be like Reagan.

Republican 2: He would be the best for the country.

Republican 3: Me too. What were we talking about before I conveniently interrupted?

Republican 1: Those damn Hollywood elitists.

Republican 3: Oh yeah, they should stay away from politics, nobody cares about what they have to say.

Republican 2: I think my brain just fell out of my head.

Republican 1: Not again!

Fighting for our Freedoms

Memorial Day 2024

Bob: Aren’t you glad the troops died for our freedoms? We should thank them every second of the day.

Joe: Yep, if we don’t we’ll be shot.

Bob: Damn straight. By the way, your yard only has 99 flags on it instead of 100. Do you hate the troops? Do you appreciate your freedoms?

Joe: Oops, let me fix this. Please don’t call the police.

(Five minutes later)

Joe: Fixed.

Bob: Too late.

Policeman: Sir, please come with me.

Joe: No no no, I love freedom, I support the troops, they died for my freedom.

Policeman: I don’t buy it, troop hater. I hope you like Guantanamo Bay.

Joe: NOOOOOOOOO!!!!!

Bob: Good bye. Isn’t freedom great?

Joe: I WON’T GO!!!!!

(Bang!)

Democrats Caving on the Iraq War Spending

Monday

Pig Fucker: Can I fuck your pet pig?

Pig Owner: Sure.

Tuesday

Pig Fucker: Can I fuck your pet pig?

Pig Owner: Sure.

Wednesday:

Pig Fucker: Can I fuck your pet pig?

Pig Owner: Sure.

Thursday

Pig Fucker: Can I fuck your pet pig?

Pig Owner: Sure.

Friday

Pig Fucker: Can I fuck your pet pig?

Pig Owner: No fucking way!

Pig Fucker: What?

Pig Owner: This pig is under new management, you won’t fuck this pig ever again!

Pig Fucker: I’ll be back.

Later that day

Pig Fucker: Can I fuck your pet pig?

Pig Owner: Sure.

Pig Fucker: You caved!

Pig Owner: Shit!

Pig: (Squeal!)

Blame the Mexicans Americans

Nativist 1: Those illegal immigrants are coming across the border, raping our women, stealing our shit, and breaking our laws, we must send them back over the border.

Nativist 2: I agree, but...

Nativist 1: But what?

Nativist 2: Aren’t we sort of scapegoating these people for our crimes. I mean, folks like O’reilly and Dobbs spend a lot of time talking about how illegals cause all the problems in America and I’ve been thinking that the most problems are caused by us white folks. I agree we must send the Mexicans back, but it’s wrong to blame all the Mexicans for the crime.

Nativist 1: I just thought of a great idea.

Week Later at the Border

Nativist 2: I think you are taking this a little too far.

Nativist 1: If us white, English-speaking Americans are responsible for all the crimes, we must leave and go to Mexico.

Nativist 2: Consistency rules!

Next week: Mexican nativists leave Mexico for the U.S. to stop crime.

Carter is Smarter

Democrat: Did you hear that Jimmy Carter criticized our leader?

Republican: What did that little traitor say?

Democrat: He said something like, “George is the worst leader we’ve ever had.”

Republican: That is awful!

Democrat: Actually, I think one of our founding fathers said that about the king back in 1776, but it's really hard to tell them apart.

Republican: Fuck you.

Run, Ron, Run

Ron Paul tells the truth, Adolph Giulianus makes an insult, and the crowd Stalinistically claps. They say revenge is a bitch and so is Giulianus. Ron Paul should run for president, not as a republican, but as a Libertarian. Now, I don’t want him to win, but he could be a real thorn in the side of Giuliani/McCain/Romney by taking away votes from them. I don’t know how opportunistic Paul is, but if he wants the Iraq War to be over, the best bet is to have a Democrat. I don’t care if Giulianus is a gay, atheist, abortion doctor, as long as he supports war he is as bad as bush. Paul could split the vote in Ohio, Missouri, or Florida and give the election to Clinton/Obama/Edwards/Kucinich. It would be the republicans biggest nightmare...or “appauling.”

Welcome to Heaven

God: Oh wow, my biggest fan is here!

Falwell: Likewise.

God: Can you believe the liberals are actually saying you are in hell?

Falwell: Well, there’s a surprise waiting for them.

God: Ha ha ha, I always loved your sense of humor. I mean, blaming 9/11 on gays and the ACLU, I laughed my holy ass off!

Falwell: I always try my best. By the way, thank you for answering my prayers even though you didn’t succeed.

God: I know, that Larry Flynt is really hard to kill.

Falwell: But he’s in a wheelchair and laughing at people with disabilities is fun.

Reagan: Who am I?

God: Speak of the devil.

Falwell: Hi Ronald!

Reagan: Who are you?

God: Excuse him, he still has Alzheimer’s Disease.

Falwell: Oh, I thought that was just a cover. Mr. Reagan, I’m Jerry Falwell, the man who created the Moral Majority and helped you get elected president.

Reagan: I was president?

Falwell: Nevermind.

God: To change the topic, I know you tried to warn the world about the Anti-Christ being a male jew, but nobody listened to you and he might take over the world when the rapture happens.

Falwell: By the way, which male jew were you talking about?

God: Jon Stewart.

Falwell: I KNEW IT!!!!!

Reagan: Who am I?

What Shouldn’t be Read

“What is this HIV I hear about? A great way to get rid of all those damn ni...”

“They think I’m the greatest thing to ever happen to the world. Ha ha ha, I’m just a phony.”

“The Iranians want more weapons? Shit, I’ll just give them what they want for those hostages. They did help me get elected.”

“Fuck the poor!”

“My friend Saddam just gassed his own people today, I think I’ll give him more gas.”

“Who the hell am I again?”

Publisher: What are you doing?

Nancy: I’m slightly editing my late husband’s diary. Ronald was such a compassionate man.

75 Years Into the Future

2082

A couple of Homeland Security guards are watching over a large field of corn in Illinois, one of the few fields of corn left in the state. They don’t want Al Qaeda setting fire to it.

A Homeland Security guard watching over the outside of the Mall of America in Minneapolis, Minnesota takes a break while his buddy takes over. It’s almost Christmas and the mall is pretty busy. The guard leans against a palm tree and tries to stay cool. The 80 degree heat melts his ice cream bar and he wipes the sweat off his head.

At a zoo in Atlanta, Georgia a Homeland Security guard stands outside a cage that contains the last Polar Bear on the planet. Al Qaeda might target the bear for assassination.

Ten Homeland Security guards got a report that Al Qaeda might strike Mount Rushmore and deface the structure worse than acid rain has already done. Even though the group hasn’t been heard of in decades, Homeland Security isn’t taking any chances.

In New York City, a couple of Homeland Security guards are patrolling the canals of Manhattan to make sure terrorists don’t strike the buildings above the water.

Guard 1: Maybe we should have listened to Al Gore and gotten our priorities straightened out. We should have been concerned about global warming when it could have counted.

Guard 2: Nonsense, we didn’t want people living in fear.

Guard 1: That man in that boat looks like a terrorist.

Guard 2: Get him!!!!

The Krieg is Lost

Berlin April 1945

(bombing overhead)

Brownshirt: Mein Fuhrer, the Soviets have entered the city, the war is lost!

Hitler: Heh heh heh heh, the war are not lost, we will defeat those Sovieto-fascists, heh heh.

Brownshirt: Mein Fuhrer, you sound different.

Hitler: Me do no not sound diff, different. I say it are time for a surge! Heh heh.

Brownshirt: But Mein Fuhrer, our troops are overstretched and we just have kids protecting Berlin.

Hitler: Do what me say, heh heh.

Eva Braun: Hey Adolph.

Hitler: Hey Lau...Eva, what are on your mind, heh heh?

Braun: Well, I was just thinking how nobody is suffering more than us.

Hitler: Right, us will get through this good, heh heh. By the way, heh heh, have you seen Heinrich?

Braun: I think I hear him.

(Bang!)

Brownshirt: You shot me in my face! Goodbye cruel world.

Himmler: Oh shit, not again.

Hitler: Hey buddy, heh heh, how are it going?

Himmler: The Soviets and Americans are in their last throes, they can go fuck themselves.

Hitler: Yay, mission accom, accomp, accomplished!

Washington May 2007

Bush: Wow, heh heh, me had a weird dream.

Cheney: Harry Reid just said the war is lost.

Bush: That poopyhead! Me will send him to Ausch...me mean Gitmo, heh heh.

Coming Soon

New Yorker 1: I really hated Giuliani, but he did one good thing for the city.

New Yorker 2: Which is?

New Yorker 1: He got rid of all those damn homeless bums.

New Yorker 2: You’re right. Hey, what did happen to all those homeless?

New Yorker 1: Uhhhh......

Coming Soon: What did Giuliani do with all those homeless people?-An Albert Cirrus Nation Production.

McCain Throughout the Ages

2007: Bomb, bomb, bomb, bomb, bomb, Iran.

1967: Bomb, bomb, bomb, bomb, bomb, Vietnam.

Army of None

Robert Gates: Dick, we are all out of recruits.

Cheney: What the fuck do you mean? There has to be somewhere where we can find young, strong, and mostly minority recruits.

Gates: Wait, are you thinking what I’m thinking?

Cheney: Eating puppies?

Gates: No, better.

Next Day

Football Player: But I thought I was getting drafted for the NFL.

Recruiter: Trust me, you are getting “drafted.”

Double Standard?

McCain: Bomb Iran.

Media: Ha ha ha, he made a funny joke in the form of a parody of a Beach Boys song. Of course the looney left is criticizing him, but they should just lighten up. McCain strictly used it as a joke and no one should take it literally

Ahmadinejad: Bomb Israel.

Media: This just in, the Israeli government has put the nation on high alert after the dictator of Iran threatened Israel with nuclear holocaust. Olmert said if any bombs hit Israel, Tehran will be reduced to rubble. Ahmadinejad tried to say it was a joke, but no one believes him and they shouldn’t. Joking about bombing Israel is not funny. Our next story, Anna Nicole Smith is still dead and...

Gitmojo (part 3)

Two prison guards are sitting around and talking.

Guard 1: What ever happened in that Duke rape case?

Guard 2: Didn’t you hear? The bitch made up the whole thing.

Guard 1: I knew it!

Guard 2: That should be a lesson to everybody who makes up false rape stories.

Red Cross Person: Surprise!

Guard 1: What the fuck?!? HIDE EVERYTHING!!!!!

Red Cross Person: I’ve found absolutely despicable conditions here. Torture, murder, water boarding, rape...

Guard 2: Whoa whoa whoa, you can’t accuse that.

Red Cross Person: Why not?

Guard 2: Because you are suffering from “Mike Nifong Syndrome.”

Red Cross Person: What’s that?

Guard 2: It’s when you falsely accuse somebody of rape and try to make a huge “show trial” out of it like what happened at Duke. Even if you show the UN our dungeons, concentration camps, and rape rooms, we’ll accuse you of “MNS.”

Red Cross Person: You won’t get away with this. (leaves)

Guard 1: Yes we will, we always get away with it.

Prisoner: Please sir, no more sodomy!

Guard 2: You are suffering from “MNS.”

Guard 1: Yeah you “towel headed ho.”

Guard 2: I miss Imus.

It is Empty!

Jesus’s tomb?

No, Bush’s brain.

Gitmojo (part 2)

A couple of prison guards are watching over some prisoners again.

Prisoner: Food please!

Guard 2: Not you again, shut up damn it.

Guard 1: Why can’t you Muslims just embrace Christianity? That will make you more civilized.

Guard 2: Become more civilized or we will torture you some more.

Guard 3: Hey guys, happy Easter!

Guard 4: Happy Easter. By the way, what did Gonzalez say about our coverup the other day?

Guard 3: He said we did a great job fooling the Red Cross and Amnesty International into thinking we were treating these monkeys well.

Guard 4: Good for you.

Guard 5: Easter is coming, the Easter Bunny will be here!

Guard 6: Sorry dude, the Easter Bunny won’t be here this year.

Guard 5: Why not?

Guard 6: We tortured him to death.

(long pause)

Guard 6: Just kidding!

Everyone: Ha ha ha!

Guard 6: But we won’t have an egg hunt tomorrow, I shoved all the plastic eggs up “Toothless Abdullah’s” ass and I’m not kidding.

Guard 5: Bummer!

Guard 6: But I did bring us a dvd of The Passion of the Christ.

Guard 1: I love that movie.

Guard 3: Let’s watch it now.

A few hours later

Guard 2: (crying) Christ really died for our sins.

Guard 4: I’m proud to be a Christian.

Guard 1: Bravo!

Guard 3: Best movie ever.

Guard 5: (looks at dvd) Wait a minute, this isn’t the Passion of the Christ.

Guard 6: It isn’t?

Guard 5: It says here, “security footage 3/19/07-3/20/07: please destroy.”

Guard 6: I couldn’t tell the difference, neither could any of you.

Guard 4: The torture looked the same.

Guard 3: That Roman with the whip beating that middle-eastern looking man I thought was Jesus sorta looked like me.

Guard 5: You really fucked up big time.

Guard 6: My bad!

Everyone: Ha ha ha!

Guard 5: That’s okay, it’s Easter and Easter is the time for happiness and coming together in the name of Jesus our Savior.

Prisoner: FOOD!!!!!

Guard 2: That’s it, fuck the broomstick, where’s my gun?

Guard 1: Happy Easter from Guantanamo Bay!

(Bang!)

Gitmojo

Two prison guards are watching over some prisoners at Guantanamo Bay and talking.

Guard 1: Hey, guess what.

Guard 2: What?

Guard 1: The fucking Iranians finally released the 15 British hostages.

Guard 2: Thank Jesus! Yeah, those evil Iranians were holding innocent people hostage...

Prisoner: I’m hungry.

Guard 2: Shut up! And they treated them very badly by making them make false confessions...

Prisoner: Please sir, I’m starving.

Guard 2: Tell me you are a terrorist first, then I’ll feed you.

Prisoner: I have, 27 times.

Guard 2: Well, at first you lied to me and said you are a goat herder, so I will make you confess another 27 times.

Guard 1: What were you saying before you were so rudely interrupted?

Guard 2: I was saying that those inhumane Iranians were wrong to make those British hostages falsely confess.

Guard 1: Yeah, those damn Muslims are out to control the world by terror and they are evil.

Guard 2: We are too nice to them and...

Prisoner: Food!

Guard 2: SHUT THE FUCK UP YOU TOWEL HEAD!!!!! That’s it, hand me the broom.

Guard 1: No problem.

Prisoner: Not again!

Guard 3: Hey guys, the Red Cross and Amnesty International will be here in two hours.

Guard 1: Shit. Okay, bury the dead and hide the tortured.

Guard 2: Why can’t these stupid liberals understand that what we are doing is for their own protection?

Prisoner: My ass hurts!

Sympathy For Bush

Bush and Keith Richards are snorting some cocaine together in the White House.

Bush: (snort) Heh heh, this are some good shit.

Richards: Yeah dude, I like to snort this coke it (sniff) is really strong.

Bush: Heh heh heh heh...hey wait, what is you putting in your coke?

Richards: This? Oh, it’s my dad’s ashes.

Bush: Heh heh, that sounds really messed up.

Richards: I know, but I’m experimenting.

Bush: Hmmm, snorting ashes. Heh heh, me should do that.

Bush borrows Cheney’s gun and shoots his dog Barney and brings him into the room.

Bush: Look what me have here Keith, me are going to put Barney into the fireplace and...(looks at Richards who is lying on the floor unconscious) did you overdose Keith? Keith? Oh shit, he are dead! Wait, me have an idea, me will burn Richards then snort him. Me will do it. Heh heh.

Five minutes later, Bush starts a fire in his fireplace and starts to push Keith Richards in. Richards wakes up.

Richards: I’m not dead dude, get me the fuck out of here!

Bush: Me didn’t hear that.

Richards: (burning) AHHHHH!!!!!

Bush: Heh heh heh heh...

(Hour later)

Cheney: (walks in) Have you seen my gun? My hooker is giving me trouble.

Bush: Hey Uncle Dick! Your gun are over there.

Cheney: Hey, your dog is dead.

Bush: Me shot him, heh heh.

Cheney: Damn it junior, that was my lunch! I like fresh blood, this one has been dead for a while.

Bush: You would eat Barney?

Cheney: That dog wasn’t the first Barney. By the way, that coke on your desk next to your crayons is really strong.

Bush: That aren’t coke, heh heh, that are Keith Richard’s ashes.

Cheney: It is? (grunts) Can’t tell the difference.

Bush: Me can’t get no, heh heh, satis, satis, satisfact, shun. Heh heh.

Can’t Do That! Can’t Do That!

Kennedy: Hello Premier Khrushchev.

Khrushchev: Hello President Kennedy.

Kennedy: Let me start by denouncing your nuclear program in Cuba and...

Skippy: Pfft!!!!! Can’t do that! Can’t do that!

Khrushchev: Who the hell is this little turd?

Skippy: He’s the enemy, he’s an asshat! Bla bla bla!

Kennedy: Ignore him, he is just a little crazy.

Skippy: Crazy? You are a traitor!

Kennedy: This is called diplomacy, I talk to him because he has nukes pointed at us. If we ignore him or agitate him, he might fire them.

Skippy: Well, can’t do that! I hate Nancy Pelosi!

Khrushchev: Is he usually this annoying?

Kennedy: I’d be hypocritical, but maybe diplomacy won’t work with him, he won’t listen.

Khrushchev: I want to hit him with my shoe.

Skippy: AHHHHHH!!!!!

Semen Sea Men Captured

Liberal: Did you hear that the US and Britain found some Iranians they thought were in US territorial waters?

Conservative: No, tell me more.

Liberal: Then they captured them and held them prisoner for over a week in a secret prison and forced a confession out of them.

Conservative: Ha, anything to secure the homeland. I’m so glad they did that to them damn Arabs.

Liberal: I was kidding. They were actually British sailors and they were thought to be in Iranian waters. Iran is holding them captive and forcing confessions out of them.

Conservative: WHAT?!?!? THIS IS AN OUTRAGE, IRAN MUST FREE THEM RIGHT NOW!!!!! THOSE SAILORS MUST NOT BE HARMED AT ALL OR ELSE WE WILL BOMB THEM ISLAMO-FASCISTS IRANIANS TO HELL!!!!!

Liberal: Do you see anything hypocritical with what you are saying?

Conservative: No.

Liberal: I thought so.

Out of Touch with Families

Doing some muckraking research on AFA’s website (American Family Association) today, I started to think about something: what does this have anything to do with families? The AFA has always been a front for the right-wingers and conservatives and doesn’t give a shit about families. Here are some stories on their front page at this moment:

A petition to boycott Ford Motors over its position on homosexuality.

Two stories bashing Al Gore on global warming.

Prayer policy during city council meetings in a town in North Carolina.

Christians in Pakistan being assaulted by Muslims.

The presidential positions on Israel.

Officer shortage in the army.

Oklahoma banning funding for abortions.

Article defending Peter Pace’s homophobic statements.

Article defending making English the official language?

Etc

You get the point. No pointers on anything that has to do whatsoever with families. Pathetic, someone should stand up to them.

The Self-Righteous Global Warming Denier

2007

Denier: Global warming? Pfft! Al Gore is a liar. Don’t listen to those environmentalists, they don’t know what they are talking about. The vast majority of scientists agreeing with them? Screw them, they were all lying. Ha ha ha!

2057

Flood Victim: Thank you global warming denier.

Hurricane Victim: Thank you global warming denier.

Drought Victim: Thank you global warming denier.

Son: I’m hungry.

Father: No son, the climate won’t support crops. We can’t get food.

Son: Why not?

Father: Because some self-righteous global warming deniers fifty years ago refused to heed the warnings.

2007

Denier: Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha!!!!! Whew, did it just get a little hotter in here?

Is Hillary a Lesbian?

(PS: This is not intended to smear Hillary Clinton or John Edwards, it’s all fun and games.)

Hillary: Damn it, I should have blasted Peter Pace when I had the chance.

Advisor: You really upset the gays.

Hillary: But how do I make up for it?

Advisor: Do something lesbian-like.

Hillary: How?

Advisor: Kiss someone from the same sex.

Hillary: But who? Janet Reno?

Advisor: Better, Ann Coulter.

Hillary: Why?

Advisor: Terry Mcauliffe said it would work.

Hillary: Is there a single thing he says that works?

Advisor: No, but he should be right eventually.

Hillary: I’ll give it a try.

(Hillary calls Coulter, Ann thinks about it.)

Ann: Hmmm. Kiss Hillary? I hate Hillary! But wait, if I kiss someone from the same sex, the gays won’t hate me anymore. I’ll do it.

(hour later)

Hillary: Oh Ann, you are a good kisser.

Ann: O’reilly said the same before he told me to shut up. I can tell the gays that I’ve kissed a man.

Hillary: WHAT?!?

Ann: You aren’t a man?

Hillary: No, I’m not a man.

Ann: It must be true, I was going to write a book bashing Bill Clinton for being gay and you for being gay too.

Hillary: But then that would mean you are really a...

(Both take off clothes)

Hillary: Ha ha, I see a penis!

Ann: Shit, I see a vagina! You really are a woman.

Hillary: (takes picture) You are one ugly man Coulter, I have the picture to prove it.

Ann: I’m so embarrassed.

Hillary: I guess I’m not a lesbian...eh even though there’s nothing wrong with that and it’s not immoral and...

(Week Later)

Hillary: Hey John, look what I have.

Edwards: A picture of Coulter naked, nothing unusual. Bye the way, I kissed her last night.

Hillary: John, there’s something you should know about Ann.

Edwards: What’s that between he legs?

(Meanwhile)

Ann: (typing) John Edwards is a faggot and I can prove it.

The Bully

A bully sees a nerd during recess and walks up to him. The bully demands that the nerd give him his lunch money and threatens to beat him up. The nerd gives him his money, but the bully starts to beat him up. The nerd begs for peace, but the bully doesn’t listen. The nerd tries to fight back, but the bully stops him and uses that to justify beating him up even more. A teacher named Nancy walks by and tells him to stop.

Nancy: Knock it off.

Bully: I can’t cut and run, I must continue beating him up.

Nancy: Well, I’ll let you beat him up for a few more minutes and then I’ll ask you politely to stop again. And by the way, I’m taking detention off the table. Bye!

Nerd: Ironically she’s my best hope.

Bully: Here comes the surge! (punch)

Happy Fucking Pi (Coulter) Day!

Hey hey it’s Ann Coulter,

the biggest McCarthyist thug since the Cold War.

She’s on always on Fox News, what a media whore,

she hates Edwards, she hates Gore.

Calling them both a ‘fag’,

but she’s just a right-wing skeleton in drag.

Always running her mouth off with hate,

no wonder she can never find a date.

Going to write more garbage in a book,

I wonder how many trees that took.

Oh what stupid thing will you say today Ann?

Oh by the way, Coulter’s a man!

La la la la...

146 years ago in a parallel universe

1861

Peter Pacist: I think it’s immoral to make slavery illegal. Black people commit immoral acts and that shouldn’t be approved of.

Ann Coulter: Yeah, those yankees will throw us in rehab if we use the word “n****r”.

...And Justice for all

Republican: This is injustice! Unfair trials! Witch hunts! Justice is raped!

Democrat: I’m glad you feel that way about the Gitmo detainees and...

Republican: Fuck those ragheads, I was talking about Libby!

Democrat: So you don’t think the Muslims at Gitmo deserve the same fairness as some rich, Christian, white, male Republican?

Republican: Well, the Muslims were trying to take away our freedom by fighting us on the battlefield.

Democrat: Not true, the vast majority of the Gitmo detainees are innocent of any crime and were just taken off the battlefield and rounded up.

Republican: I don’t care. Take away their Habeas Corpus rights!

Democrat: So you think they are trying to take away your freedom, but in reality you are taking away their freedom.

Republican: Exactly. Hey, nice talking to you commie, now I have to get back to my rally. Free Libby!

Democrat: (Sigh) Only in an imperfect world that would make any sense.

Hypocrite?

A man named Mr. Johnson knocks on his neighbor Al’s door and Al answers the door.

Johnson: Howdy.

Al: Hey there, what’s up?

Johnson: Well, you know how you tell everyone to pick up trash?

Al: Yes.

Johnson: Well today a bunch of garbage fell out of your truck and landed on the street.

Al: That’s terrible, did you clean it up?

Johnson: No, I just came over to your house to call you a hypocrite.

Al: What?

Johnson: I’m sick and tired of you telling people to pick up trash when a bunch of trash fell out of your truck. You probably littered 20 times more than the average person.

Al: Well, I’ll pick it up.

Johnson: Oh, so now you are going to pick itup only because I brought it up.

Al: Well, the trash that fell out of my truck was from me picking up other people’s trash and I was going to the dump. I pick up trash every day and offset my littering footprint.

Johnson: Pfft. My friend Skippy told me that that doesn’t work. In fact, picking up garbage to offset your own littering might cause other people to litter more. Plus you benefit financially from picking up trash.

Al: Of course I do, but I’m doing a good thing. I got an award the other day for my anti-litter campaign and you are just smearing me for it. Just because I littered a little bit doesn’t make me a hypocrite. By the way, don’t you work for a polluting company that not only pollutes the environment, but denies the problem and gets others to also pollute?

Johnson: That’s a strawman argument, whatever Killbabysealcorp does is none of your business. You are a hypocrite.

Al: I am not.

Johnson: I will tell everyone in the neighborhood that you are a hypocrite.

Al: Go away punk.

The next day, Al wakes up and sees a hundred people outside his house chanting with Johnson cheering them on.

Johnson: Yell it louder!

Crowd: Hypocrite!

Al: (sigh) Now I know how Gore feels.

No New Ideas?

2000

Republican: Democrats have no new ideas.

2001

Republican: Democrats have no new ideas.

2002

Republican: Democrats have no new ideas.

2003

Republican: Democrats have no new ideas.

2004

Republican: Democrats have no new ideas.

2005

Republican: Democrats have no new ideas.

2006

Republican: Democrats have no new ideas.

2007

Republican: Democrats have no new ideas.

Democrat: Do you realize the irony of what you are saying?

Republican: Shut up, you have no new ideas.

Breaking News:

Scooter Libby-NAILED!!!

Rude-E

A year from today:

Rudolph Giuliani: And all that stuff about me supporting abortion, yeah right. I would make that ho have my baby. And gay rights? I say those faggots as Ann would call them are going to hell! And about guns, I’ve always been a gun nut. NRA forever! I might consider Charlton Heston being my VP. And I don’t even have to lie about my record on civil rights. I say we end affirmative action! Those towel heads think they can crash planes into my city, well I say kill em all! And as for me marrying my cousin, I’m one of y’all!

Crowd: Yee haw!

Redneck 1: Wow, he sounds like one of us.

Redneck 2: Didn’t he used to be one of them librools?

Redneck 3: I don’t care and honestly I don’t remember.

Redneck 4: Hey guys, he’s burning a cross!

Crowd: White power!

Just Like them? (Sort of Based on a True Story Part 2)

Coulter: Edwards is such a faggot and I hate those ragheads!

O’reilly: Let the terrorists attack San Francisco and that kidnaped child had fun with his captives!

Savage: Let’s throw Muslims out of planes with dynamite up their butts and I want gays to get AIDS and die!

Limbaugh: Michael J. Fox is faking it! Plus black quarterbacks suck! And torture is good!

Olbermann: Those people are stupid.

Skippy: Pfft, Keith Olbermann is just like the right-wingers.

Strife of a Realist

Unrealist: Did you know that if you shoot a vampire with a silver bullet it will die?

Realist: Did you know that if you shoot anything with a silver bullet, it will die? Besides, vampires don’t exist.

Unrealist: Why are that way? Always bringing those stupid facts into the debate. Can’t you be a little more open minded?

Realist: If I’m anymore open minded, my brain will fall out. Besides, why should I give any credence to the existence of vampires? Someone made up that shit a long time ago!

Unrealist: Bigot.

Realist: (sigh)

Moral of the story: Reality and the truth are the most bigoted things on the planet.

Vierundzwanzig

Beep-Beep-Beep-Beep

Previously on Vierundzwanzig, it’s 1945 and an SS agent is interrogating a White Rose Society member and he doesn’t talk. This week, our hero Hermann Bauer will do his dirty work.

Hermann Bauer: Where are the Americans?

WRSM: I don’t know!

Hermann Bauer: I will torture you if you don’t tell me.

WRSM: Go ahead, I won’t tell you shit!

Hermann Bauer: Okay, here comes the finger nail removal.

WRSM: Ahhhhhhh!!!!! Okay, they are in Switzerland and they will attack from the south!

Hermann Bauer: I told you torture would work.

57 minutes later

Hitler: Are you sure this is true?

Hermann Bauer: Trust me, torture always works.

Hitler: Well, you said that someone you tortured said that America won’t invade Normandy. Another said that the Russian forces weren’t strong in Stalingrad. Why should I listen to you now?

Hermann Bauer: We’ll fight them in Switzerland so we won’t have to fight them in Berlin, mein fuhrer. Just go back to your bunker and you will be safe.

Next time on Vierundzwanzig, Bauer’s Japanese counterpart tortures an American over the whereabouts of the Enola Gay. Will he prevent nuclear annihilation? Only history will tell.

Beep-Beep-Beep-Beep

Al Gore Rhythm

Person 1: Al Gore is a hypocrite.

Person 2: Al Gore is a hypocrite.

Person 3: Al Gore is a hypocrite.

Person 4: Al Gore is a...(brain falls out of skull)

Global Warming denier who works for a right-wing think tank funded by the oil companies: You dropped this.

Person 4: Thank you kind sir. (puts brain back in skull)

Global Warming denier who works for a right-wing think tank funded by the oil companies: Let’s take it from the top again. Okay, sing!

Person 1: Al Gore is a hypocrite.

Person 2: Al Gore is a...

Unconfirmed Rumor

Dick Cheney is the father of his lesbian daughter Mary’s baby. Dick is expected to divorce Lynn and marry Mary. They will have a “shotgun” marriage!

Lol!

Another Day in Heaven

McCarthy: Oh Ann! Where are you?

God: Looking for someone?

McCarthy: I’m looking for my wife Ann Coulter.

God: I haven’t seen her in a while.

McCarthy: I remember that day, you gave him a vagina, now Ann’s a “she”.

God: No problem.

McCarthy: But you are all knowing, you must know where she is. Find her or I will blacklist you!

God: What? You have the balls to say that to me!

McCarthy: Sorry God. Wait, I hear something. Sounds like Ann, she’s in trouble.

Anna Nicole Smith: Hey God, there’s something in my cleavage.

Ann: Help me! I got lost in this bimbo’s boobs!

McCarthy: Have you no decency?

God: Fucking hypocrite.

McCarthy: What was that?

God: Nothing. Maybe I couldn’t find Ann because Smith’s boobs are hard to see through.

McCarthy: No problem, sorry. Hey Ann, wanna go laugh at some liberals and 9/11 victims who are in hell?

Ann: Sure. (exits)

God: Have you found your billionaire husband Anna?

Anna Nicole Smith: No, I’ve found some other clueless, rich old man to marry.

Reagan: Miss Smith, tear down your bra!

The Retardation of Corporate US

Okay, what the fuck is this? I heard a commercial recently where (I forgot the company) they were selling coffee and they were giving away a bottle of water with it. Huh? I remember when corporations gave away real prizes, not fucking water. “Come by X-product and you get a free hat or a candy bar”, not fucking water. A radio show a while ago was giving away free gas. WFT? What will they give away next? Manure?

Labeling Theory on Crack

A 1.4 billion dollar study was done recently in which sociologists tried to prove the labeling theory. Before it was said that if you called someone a “criminal”, they would become a criminal. Now, the sociologists are embarking on a new research field: vulgarity. Doctor Hank Charles has called 100 random test subjects “cock suckers” to their faces and the results haven’t changed. Then Doctor Charles called another 100 test subjects “mother fuckers” and only 3 of them developed an Oedipus complex. Then he called another 100 test subjects “assholes” and predicted that at least 90% of them would turn into an anus. That failed and Doctor Charles called the report “a complete waste of money and time.” That test had staggeringly better results.

Sort of Based on a True Story

Two guys, one named Albert, the other named Skippy are walking through a forest and Albert reaches down to pick up something under a rock and he gets bitten by a rattle snake.

Albert: FUCK!!!!!

Skippy: What happened?

Albert: I got bit by a snake!

Skippy: I hear they are bad, but sharks are worse.

Albert: Huh?

Skippy: What? You support sharks? Are they your heros?

Albert: No, it’s just that I’m dying here and we are debating whether or not sharks and snakes are worse. Do you have any anti-venom?

Skippy: Sure, let me go get some.

10 minutes later

Albert: Did you get me some anti-venom?

Skippy: No, but I found your diary. Apparently you wrote in this little entry here that snakes are worse than sharks. Also, you seem to bash tigers a lot and say they are worse than alligators.

Albert: Snakes, sharks, alligators, and tigers are all dangerous, some more dangerous than others. Can you please get me some fucking anti-venom!

Skippy: Your fat friend Cindy looooves sharks and had her picture taken with one once. If she is your hero and she likes sharks, then you like sharks too. And sharks are dangerous and you like dangerous animals.

Albert: Goodbye world! (Dies)

Skippy: PFFT! Albert has Snake Delusion Syndrome, well time to go smash some asshat alligators.

Three Quotes

"One of the problems not specifically on this issue, just in general let's put it this way, money trumps peace, sometimes. In other words, commercial interests are very powerful interests throughout the world."-George W Bush

"During a just war, a pacifist opposes the war. During an unjust war, a pacifist supports the war."-Albert Cirrus

"Jesus is my co-pilot."-John Denver

Shortbusocracy: Global Warming Style

So, whether or not how dramatic this change will be, or is, what it’s caused by, are things that honest people, I think, can disagree with, and I really personally, having been a journalist, the first thing I was always cautioned by when someone was claiming, well, everybody is on my side, or everybody says this, or there is a total consensus, almost always when people said that to me over my years as a journalist, it wasn’t true. It was that there were honest people who disagreed and significant disagreement on such issues. We don’’t know what those other cycles were caused by in the past. Could be dinosaur flatulence, you know, or who knows? We do know the CO2 in the past had its time when it was greater as well. And what happened when the CO2 was greater since then and now? There have been many cycles of up and down warming. So with that said, I think that we’ve had a great discussion today.-Dana Rohrbacher (R-CA)

65 million years ago in Rohrbacher’s imagination:

Dinosaur 1: Pull my finger.

Dinosaur 2: Okay dude.

Dinosaur 1: (fart)

Dinosaur 2: Is it just me or did it get a little hotter now?

Bigot to be a Hypocrite

Bill Donahue: Those secular jews and those gays, they hate us Christians. Well, I hate gays, bla bla bla!

Michelle Malkin: Let’s throw Muslims in internment camps and bla bla bla!

Klansman: Let’s go lynch us some ni...

Liberal Blogger: Those are some real heavy duty Christo-fascist godbags and...

Bill Donahue: Bigot!

Michelle Malkin: Bigot!

Klansman: Resign from the Edwards blog you Christian hating bigot!

Global Whoring

Client: Fuck me!

Prostitute: Yes yes!

Client: How much do I owe you?

Prostitute: 10,000 dollars.

Client: What? Fuck you ho!

Prostitute: Oh shit, the drugs must have warped my mind. There’s a mix up.

Client: What kind of mix up?

Prostitute: Well, I wrote a long essay denying the existence of global warming for the American Enterprise Institute. I guess I get my clients mixed up. That job I did on you was 50 dollars.

Client: No prob. (hands her the money)

Prostitute: Well, bye! (walks away)

Client: Wow, what a whore. To get paid 10,000 dollars to deny something as serious as global warming, now that is a real whore. Shit, I hope she didn’t give me an STD.

Rest in peace Molly Ivins 1944-2007

Non-binding “Revolution”

7/4/1776

Washington: Do you have the resolution?

Jefferson: Yes, we will declare it today.

Madison: Yes!

Hancock: We won’t take it from that madman King George anymore!

Franklin: This will show that we are the opposition!

Jefferson: The Declaration of Disapproval.

Washington: King George thinks we support him sending 20,000 more redcoats over here, but this non-binding resolution will say in one voice: We don’t like it!

Tom Paine: What if these troops take over our streets, kill and torture our people, and steal our natural resources? Shouldn’t we declare our freedom in a more assertive “Declaration of Independence” instead of just a strong disapproval?

Washington: Nah, that’s too radical.

2007

Democrats: We don’t like this troop increase and.....

The War on the War on Christmas (Finale)

This must be Dexter’s diary, I think I’ll read it and write in it. Wow, my brother was one crazy mother-fucker. I’ve been looking for this diary since the funeral. Wow, that’s what acid will do to you. And religion of course, but Dexter took it too far. I mean, killing people because they refused to wish people a merry Christmas? Give me a fucking break. Dexter or Rudolph as he called himself was never that good with major tasks. Blowing up the department store is surely one of them considering he blew himself up. The body was luckily still in one piece. The other eight in his Christmas Liberation Front had a shootout with the police after Dexter blew himself up while trying to place the explosives inside. Three members of the group were killed including Julia Henderson, AKA “Blitzen” who according to this diary fucked my brother. I’ll keep that info secret from his wife and four kids. I agreed to help take care of them until the social security kicks in. As for baby bro Dexter Wax, I don’t think he learned any lessons. If there is a heaven, I hope God or Allah or Yahway or whatever has mercy on him considering he was a real false prophet for Christianity. Right now, the FBI is trying to find out if there are copycat organizations popping up and they want to stop them before next year’s holiday season comes around. Oops, I said “holiday”, Dexter’s ghost will haunt me now. Oh shit Kevin, don’t think that. What the fuck, why am I writing in this, where is the trash can?........

The End, or is it?

Good Question

If this increase of troops is called a "surge", then how about we call it the "insurgency."

Forest

So lovely the fascists prance in the forest,

looking for some soul to arrest.

They find one,

and point their guns,

and say, “you have no right to protest.”

Welcome to Hell

Saddam Hussein gets hung and arrives in hell with much surprise.

Saddam: Ron!

Reagan: Who are you?

Saddam: Don’t you remember? We were buddies!

Reagan: I still don’t remember you.

Saddam: Remember all of the gas you gave me to kill all them Kurds? Those were good times.

Reagan: Who the hell are you?

Saddam: Saddam Hussein!

Reagan: Who is Saddam Hussein?

Saddam: (Sigh) Fucking Alzheimer’s Disease!

Nixon: I am not a crook!

Gerald Ford: Happy New Years from Albert Cirrus Nation!

Reagan: What’s “Albert Cirrus Nation?”

Peace on Earth! Merry Christmas!

War, genocide, aircraft carriers, murder, Gitmo, torture, bullets, holocaust, hate, bombs, blitzkrieg, lies, pain, war profiteering, pollution, conflict, disease, oppression, friendly fire, baby Jesus, nukes, battle, invasion, death, Abu Ghraib, betrayal, terrorism, nationalism, racism, eugenics, tanks, concentration camps, machine guns, tyranny, military industrial complex, environmental destruction, mind control, lies, dead troops, napalm, rape, nuclear winter, religious strife, wire tapping, anger, land mines, annihilation, killing, suffering, George W Bush...

Let there be peace on Earth and let it begin with..........impeaching Bush.

The War on the War on Christmas

Take that Salvation Army! No presents for godless orphans this year. Anyways, today is Jesus’s birthday, yay! But we must not let our guard down. Last night, Blitzen and I had sex. I know extramarital sex is wrong, but G*d will forgive me since my mission is a lot greater than any little sin. Besides, my wife is a traitorous whore so I am basically divorced, spiritually. Oh, since tonight is the night before Christmas, people will be going to the mall for last minute shopping. But guess what, they are still saying “happy holidays”! DAMN IT TO HELL!!!!! But we will get a chance tonight. Me and the rest of the Christmas Liberation Front have a plan. I won’t say what it is, but we will pull it off. Security will be tight, but we will succeed and Christmas will be saved! Ha ha! G*d bless us all. And MERRY CHRISTMAS!!!!! It’s okay to say it, and if you don’t you will die and go to hell! Got to go.-Rudolph Wax

It's a Blunderful Life

"Everytime a bell rings, an angel gets its wings AIDS."

The War on the War on Christmas

Okay, good news and bad news. Bad news is that I was arrested, so I haven’t been able to save Christmas from the Jesus-hating sinners and write in this diary. Good news is that Prancer Danforth is a cop and he got me out. Whew! Thank G*d for that! Of course, as he let me out of jail, he had to shoot and kill a guard. Oh well, hell just got a little more over crowded. Anyways, this morning I set fire to some more shops that sell “holiday cards.” Then I started thinking about something, “what is the real meaning of Christmas?” Then it hit me: capitalism. Buy, buy, buy! Jesus would want it that way, I mean most these people who are trying to destroy Christmas are damned liberals. What do liberals do? They give out handouts to poor people. So all these charities are going against the will of G*d. We shouldn’t try to help out the poor; G*d would have made them rich if He wanted to. So giving to the poor is evil, makes sense. Time to go destroy some charities that are out to destroy Christmas.-Rudolph Wax

You

Bush: Heh heh, hey Dick hey Dick!

Cheney: What now junior?

Bush: Me are the Time Maga, magazine dude of the year. Yay!

Cheney: Let me see. (looks) Why isn’t there someone on the cover?

Bush: Heh heh, don’t be silly, I are on the cover!

Cheney: Hey Rove, who is on this cover?

Rove: Nobody, I think it’s a mirror.

Cheney: Oh yeah, us vampires don’t see our own reflection.

Bush: Me are number um 4, me are number 8!

Cheney: You mean number one?

Bush: No, me mean number 3, in fact me are the ruler of the world! Me will dec, declare that are the first number. Anythree who complains will be hit by a nucular bomb!

Cheney: Whatever. Hey Karl, do you want to go eat an Iraqi baby?

Rove: Do I? Yum!

(Both turn into bats and fly away)

Bush: Nah nah, nah nah, nah nah, nah nah, Batman, Batman! Heh heh heh heh...

Broken Record

Senator: President, we must set a time table to leave Iraq in six months.

Bush: Heh heh, no time table!

Six months later

Senator: President, we must set a time table to leave Iraq in six months.

Bush: Heh heh, no time table!

Six months later

Senator: President, we must set a time table to leave Iraq in six months.

Bush: Heh heh, no time table!

Six months later

Senator: President, we must set a time table to leave Iraq in six months.

Bush: Heh heh, no time table!

Six months later

Senator: President, we must set a time table to leave Iran in six months.

Bush: Heh heh.....

Double Standard

Four men are at a Christmas party and three of them huddle together and one of them walks up to them.

Jimmy: Hey guys, are you guys almost ready for Christmas? Santa is coming! He will bring me presents and...

Rick: Dude, you are 28.

Hank: Didn’t your mom tell you?

Paul: Santa doesn’t exist.

Jimmy: You guys are mean. (walks away)

All three: Ha ha ha!

Paul: Dork.

Hank: Hey did you guys hear the latest attack on Christmas?

Rick: Oh no, not again.

Hank: Apparently these bigoted atheists didn’t want a nativity scene at town hall.

Paul: Can’t these people just accept that god exists.

Hank: And he was born of a virgin.

Rick: And he performed miracles.

Hank: And rose from the dead after dying for our sins.

Hank: And he will come back one day to kill all the Jews and non-Christians.

Paul: Yeah, some people are just irrational and don’t want the truth of god to be spoken.

Hank: Yeah.

Jimmy: (walks back over to the men) And Santa flies around the world in one night and...

All three: Ha ha ha!

Paul: You’re crazy.

Hank: And immature.

Rick: Yeah, get real!

River in Egypt

Right now there is a holocaust denial conference in Tehran, Iran. But across the world in Sao Paulo, Brazil there is another conference for holocaust denial deniers.

Host: Attention people, there are some people in the world who are saying there is a conference in Tehran for holocaust deniers, well that didn’t happen. Everybody in the world acknowledges that 6 million jews were murdered during the 1940's and that is a fact. We don’t believe in any of those holocaust denier myths, they just want us to believe that there are people in the world who don’t believe in the holocaust. Who’s with me?

Crowd: Yeah!

Host: The holocaust happened!

Crowd: Yeah!

Host: And there are no dissenters!

Crowd: Yeah!

Up next: Bush-invading-Iraq-for-a-lie denial conference and the subsequent Bush-invading-Iraq-for-a-lie denial deniers conference.

This Just in...

Dennis Kucinich wants to run for president in 2008! Will Albert Cirrus endorse him in the primaries? Hell yeah!

The War on the War on Christmas

My wife ratted on me! She found out where our organization is located and sent the police this way. She is so going to hell, I should have never married her. I hope my 3 sons and 1 daughter murder her in her sleep so she doesn’t try to ruin us again. Anyways, we moved our headquarters to Donner Green’s house and we have set up camp there. Nobody was at the old base when the police came. We are doing very well in our operations. We have burned down businesses that don’t say “Merry Christmas” and instead say the evil “happy holidays.” I personally have burned down some “holiday tree” lots with fireworks. We all know that the baby Jesus cries every time someone says “holiday.” I think we should even have concentration camps for secularists who try to destroy Christmas (Bush are you listening?) And it’s working! Our campaign is forcing businesses to include Christmas in their advertising. Cause we know Jesus would want it that way. Some may call us terrorists, but I consider myself a rebel, a rebel for Christ.-Rudolph Wax

(Just for clarification: none of this story is true, it’s parody.)

Testing 1,2,3

Helen Keller walks into a bar and says, “Ughhhhh!”

Helen Keller fell down some stairs and died.

That ends the emergency ACN broadcasting test. If this had been a real emergency, you will die! Have fun.

The Future of Albert Cirrus Nation

Hello, enjoying The War on the War on Christmas? I am. After January, I am going to do some major cleaning of this page and get rid of everything but the best material/parody and put that at the bottom of the page. Then I’m going to start all over with almost blog-like daily commentary (hopefully). My commentary is going to be more in depth and less profanity prone, but still good. I will add the occasional parody and add more links like I used to. Then I will advertize on Bartcop.com and get more viewers. One of the reasons why I’m doing this is because my opinion changes over time and one day when I get the money, I can start my own blog like Daily Kos or Atrios. Until then, enjoy TWOTWOC.-Albert Cirrus

The War on the War on Christmas

I finally got my diary back, I haven’t had many chances to sneak back home to get it. Things have gotten out of control, sort of. Last Monday, the police department decided to send some godless cops to stores to protect customers from being punched by us. Well, Blitzen was the driver and I was the enforcer. The other 3 groups decided to abort their plans. We decided to go on with ours. Some man about 50 walked to the door and I bumped into him and said “merry Christmas”, he kept going. There was a cop out front watching us, so I couldn’t punch him. The man refused to reply to my greeting. Then the unexpected happened, Blitzen shot the man in the chest! Then she shot the cop. I got scared and ran back to the car and we drove off. When we got back, Blitzen got an earful from Comet, but he didn’t punish her. He walked to his room and came back to apologize. Comet figured and I agree that sometimes drastic measures have to happen. Then we agreed to resort to more radical measures than just punching sinners. As for Blitzen and I, she’s not married, but I have a wife and 4 kids. They don’t know that I’m in this club, but they saw me on tv at the scene. I guess I probably will go to jail if caught, so I can’t see them anymore. But it’s okay, I’m saving Christmas for them. Well, I have to go now, time to go buy some fireworks, for um saving Christmas. I’m doing this for you baby Jesus!-Rudolph Wax

The War on the War on Christmas

Operation Rudolph Nose is a success! On the first official shopping day (shouldn’t the Christmas season last forever?) of the Christmas season, we conducted the operation. Our leader Comet Mathis stayed at the headquarters to direct us. There were four groups of us and two in each group. One would be the driver and one would be the enforcer. The enforcer would walk to the entrance to the store and start saying “Merry Christmas” to random people. If they said “Merry Christmas” in reply, we would leave them alone. If they said nothing in response after 3 times, we were ordered to punch them in their nose. Hence “Rudolph Nose” because of the red nose bleed. I got to be the driver this time and my partner Blitzen Henderson were great. She got 7 people to respond with “Merry Christmas.” Then some old man didn’t reply to Blitzen and she punched the old devil in the nose. He fell to the ground and she ran back to the car and we sped off before the cops arrived. We read in the paper this morning that the man was deaf, but that was no excuse for not replying with a simple “Merry Christmas to you too.” Next time I get to be the enforcer. Next week will repeat this and then move on to something else in December. Sometimes I ask g*d if this is right. I assume it is because g*d justified the violence during the Crusades, the killing of the savage indians, the inquisitions, et cetera. G*d will forgive us because the end justifies the means. Besides we will be saving the “victims” from eternal damnation and hellfire.-Rudolph Wax

Happy Thanksgiving!

1621

Pilgrims: We are here to celebrate with the Indians peacefully and share with them.

A few years later

Native Americans: Ahhh! The white men are killing us, stealing from our land, and trying to convert us to Christianity! We should have never welcomed them!

2003

Bush: Heh heh, the Iraqi people will welcome us as liberators, heh heh.

Iraqis: Oh no, we aren’t falling for this bullshit.

The War on the War on Christmas

Yes, I’m in! Thank you G*d! And thank you CLF leader Comet Mathis. There are 7 other members to the group and I’m number nine. The leader decided to give us names based on Santa’s reindeer. No more members will be accepted so I can stop harassing people at my church to join. Plus Comet advised us to shut up about our operations. I understand, if word gets out on our deeds, they will shut us down and the evil secularists will destroy Christmas. HEAVEN FORBID! Anyways, I got along with Prancer and Cupid. Vixen is a little shy, but she will prove herself well. I guess our plans on Friday will come to fruition and will help save Christmas. I will report on Operation Rudolph Nose (hey, that’s me) then in my diary. Until then, G*d bless me!-Dexter Rudolph Wax

The War on the War on Christmas

Ha ha ha! Victory is mine! G*d bless me for my deeds. That will teach them to have demonic “holiday specials” at K-mart or as call it “gay-mart”. It’s right there in the paper, finally they posted me in the paper, except my name isn’t there. Of course, if they knew it was me, they would arrest me. What did I do? I took a baseball bat and smashed open a window that had the word “holiday sale” and ran away before the police came. Can’t these evil bastards just say, “Merry Christmas” and not “happy holidays?” Do they really have to satisfy the needs of the hell-bound jews, muslims, pagans, and atheists? It blows the mind. Well, I have photo proof of my actions and I will tell the Christmas Liberation Front. They will surely let me in and we will save Christmas together! In the name of Jesus, AMEN!-Dexter Wax

The War Doesn’t Fit

2006: If I Did It-OJ Simpson

2015: If I Lied Us Into War-George W Bush

That's More Like it

Considering Trent Lott's racist views towards black people, I think the term "minority whip" is fitting for him.

The War on the War on Christmas

Okay, I have found a group of people with similar gripes that I have at the secularization of Christmas. G*d bless these people. They call themselves the “Christmas Liberation Front” and they are quite militant towards this issue, AS THEY SHOULD BE. I have submitted my membership and I will become a member after I make myself “worthy.” I asked them how I can become “worthy” and the leader said, “be creative.” I see. Hmmm, I have a good idea. Where’s my baseball bat?-Dexter Wax

Inauguration Day

It’s 2009 and the year before the Democrats and Republicans have been swept out of power. A new party has remarkably won the majority in the house and senate. Yes, the Connecticut for Lieberman Party has now taken control of both chambers. Only a year ago, the founder of the party died after choking on a pork chop and the voters felt sorry for him. The new Speaker of the House is about to speak.

Speaker Butt Hole (CFL-CA 69): My fellow Connecticut for Lieberman voters, we have won! We must use our Joementum wisely to do what the founder of our party intended for us to do, give power to the republicans! That’s right, we suck! We also must stay in Iraq and give endless support to Israel. And most important of all, we must become egotistical dickheads! If it wasn’t for that, the CFL Party would have never been founded. Victory is ours! Joementum!

Victory in US

So what does this victory mean? For the first time since I was 10, the nazis haven’t ruled. A 29 member pickup in the house, 6 member pickup in the senate, and 6 member pickup for governors for the Democrats. Let me go down the list for the pickups in the senate.

Pennsylvania: This was a no-brainer, Casey over Santorum. Santorum ranks up these for the worst senators. That homophobic retard had to go and I’m happy.

Ohio: Brown over Dewine. Good for Ohio, Sherrod Brown will make a great senator.

Rhode Island: I’m actually sad that Chafee lost, sorta. He was the least fascist of the bunch, but still had to go. Sheldon Whitehouse would be an improvement, slightly.

Missouri: McCaskill over Talent(less). Girl power! Vengeance for Carnahan!

Montana: Tester over Burns. Abramoff, eat your heart out.

Virginia: I thought late term abortions were banned, speaking of which, Webb over Allen the LT abortion. Someone is in deep macaca.

But what does this mean for liberalism? Liberalism won, period. Although, I think the Democrats better enforce liberalism or the voters will vote the nazis back in. But good luck Democrats, don’t fuck it up.

The War on the War on Christmas

Well, it’s been a week and my letter to the paper has not been published yet, so to hell with the paper! Dear lord, please save me from the evil secularists who are waging war on Christmas. Maybe there are other people with the same struggle. Yes, I will find a group of people with the same gripes as me and join them. We will declare a war on the war on Christmas! -Dexter Wax

WE WON!!!!!

Vote!

Voter Suppression Throughout the Ages

MLKJ: I have a dream!

White Democrat: Shut up!

A couple of years later, racists leave the Democrats and embrace Republicans.

White Republican: Racism rules!

Then, the Republicans see a threat.

White Republicans: Hey, those people aren’t suppose to be voting.

Realizing that they are losing 90-95% of the black vote, Republicans decide to suppress the vote.

Black Democrat: What the fuck? My voting machine isn’t working.

After being caught, the Republican party decides that suppressing the black vote is wrong, this time they will suppress all Democrats from voting.

White Democrat: What the fuck? My voting machine isn’t working.

White Republican: Equality rules!

But then, the racists get pissed off.

Klansman: Hey, why are you letting all those black Republicans vote? You guys promised to not let them vote.

White Republican: Sorry dude, we’ll fix it.

Black Republican: What the fuck? My voting machine isn’t working.

But then, the Republicans get paranoid.

White Republican: You know, the racists might start voting Democrat to teach us a lesson. We can’t take any chances.

Klansman: What the fuck? My voting machine isn’t working.

One day.

White Republican: You know what, fuck voting, let’s suppress all the votes. Dictatorship rules!

Saddam Trial?

Judge: How do you find the defendant?

Juror: We find the defendant guilty for killing hundreds of thousands of Iraqis, torturing people, using weapons of mass destruction, and invading countries to steal their oil.

Bush: Oh shit!

Protect Marriage

Senator 1: We must protect marriage!

Senator 2: Yeah certain activist judges are allowing changes in the marriage law.

Senator 3: It will change the definition of marriage and destroy the laws of morality.

Senator 4: Yeah, save traditional marriage!

Senator 5: Then it is settled, we will write a law preventing interracial marriage.

Stuck

Four men named George, Richard, John, and Jack go out for a walk in the woods and Jack gets lost. George and Richard hang out back at the car and John goes out and looks for Jack. John comes back without finding him and sees George and Richard relaxing.

John: Hey guys, why aren’t you helping me find Jack? Don’t you support him?

George: Uh, we support him.

John: Then why don’t you help me?

Richard: We don’t want to.

John: You guys are lazy and stupid. That kind of stupidity is getting Jack stuck out there.

George: What? Did you call Jack stupid?

Richard: You don’t support him.

John: No, I called you guys stupid.

George: Well it sounded like you called Jack stupid.

Richard: Uh huh.

Jack: (comes back) Hey guys, I got lost, why didn’t you guys come help me?

George: Hey Jack, John thinks you are dumb for getting stuck out there.

Richard: I heard it.

Jack: (punches John) That’s for calling me stupid.

John: Sorry, but those guys misinterpreted me.

Jack: Lousy apology.

Richard: We have always supported you dude.

George: Yeah, mission accomplished, heh heh.

The War on the War on Christmas

Help me Jesus!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! This is worse than Halloween. This is a travesty, this is the work of Satan. The anti-G*d culture is growing and it must be stopped. What am I talking about? I’ll tell you what I’m talking about, this: HAPPY HOLIDAYS?!?!? What????? I walk into the local mall and I look for the first CHRISTMAS decorations of the year. I see Santa Claus, snow flakes, Christmas trees, etc. All of that is good, but no baby Jesus in the manger, no Mary and Joseph, not even a wise man. Disappointed, I decide to leave and wait a few hours for these things to show up and then I notice it. My virgin eyes see it, an advertisement with the words “Happy Holidays” on it. What?!?!? This should not be allowed, it should be abolished. Christmas should not be called just a holiday, it’s the day to celebrate the messiah, Jesus Christ, the only messiah. This is evil, an outrage! So outrageous I’m going to do something about it, I’m writing a letter to the newspaper! -Dexter Wax

The Diary of Dexter Wax

11/1/06

Oh thank G*d it’s over. That evil pagan day is over, please G*d, damn it to hell! I’m talking about Halloween, or the day to celebrate evil and Satan and all his lies. I’ve written to my newspaper over and over again and so far none of my editorials have been published. I mean, what is so wrong about me calling for all of our schools to cancel all their Halloween parties? That and banning evolution. I’m looking forward to tomorrow when I start shopping for Christmas, the celebration of the birth of our lord, Jesus. Amen! -Dexter Wax

Sorry, no corny Halloween parody this year.

But it's coming tomorrow, I won't tell you what, but it's coming!

Stay the Intercourse

Two bearfuckers break into the zoo at night to tranquilize a Brown Bear, tie it up, fuck it, and not get caught.

Bearfucker 1: I got him!

Bearfucker 2: Yeah, now tie him up and when he wakes up, we will fuck the bear in the ass.

Bearfucker 1: What if we get caught?

Bearfucker 2: Follow my lead.

(hour later)

Bearfucker 1: Oh yeah, oh yeah! Fuck!

Bearfucker 2: Hey it’s my turn!

Security Guard: Hey what are you two doing? Are you fucking that bear?

Bearfucker 1: Yes we are...

Bearfucker 2: Shhh! No sir we aren’t.

Security Guard: But he just said you are.

Bearfucker 2: No he didn’t. We never fucked this bear.

Security Guard: Then what are you doing to that bear?

Bearfucker 1: Um, uh, not fucking it?

Security Guard: Okay, well I’ll just leave you two there to not fuck that bear. Goodnight. (walks away)

Bearfucker 2: What a dumbass!

Bearfucker 1: Yeah, where did you get that kind off philosophy?

Bearfucker 2: George Bush when he stopped using the term “stay the course” when he clearly had no plan to leave. By the way, since I got us out of this mess, I say I fuck the bear for the rest of the night and tomorrow we fuck the gorillas.

Bearfucker 1: Ah shit.

Bearfucker 2: Oh yeah, bitch!

Bear: (Roar!)

Oxy Moron Speaks

Limbaugh: Michael J. Fox is just faking his Parkinson’s Disease. In fact, Fox has a time machine, he can go back to the future and find the cure to his disease. I wonder, do they have oxycontin in the future?

We Have a Long Way to go

I know, I know, the Democrats are going to pick up seats in both houses of congress, but how many? Now, many people say that the scandal of Mark Foley wanting to fuck 16 year old pages would cause can’tservative Christians to not show up to the polls, think again. In fact, maybe this scandal will get more ‘cans to the polls because they enjoy child molesters...but that’s speculation. Then there are others that hate Democrats so much that they would look past the war, torture, death, fiscal irresponsibility, lies, theocracy, corporate fascism, racism, wire tapping, lack of diplomacy, etc and vote for the nazis. With that said, I hope there are enough smart voters out there to over power the idiots.

Even if the Democrats take congress for the first time since 1994, the majority will be ultra small and even then we will have to watch out for the DINOs and DLC corporate whores in the party that will fuck up and vote for the nazis, pussies. A large minority of Dems in repub districts will fear their idiot voters and vote with the ‘cans. So we need better leadership. First off, get rid of Pelosi and Reid, replace them with fighters. Pelosi even said she won’t impeach the retarded monkey. What? Bush and Cheney committed crimes, kick them out. Oh, that’s too radical, we can’t do that! Fuck that. This is politics, don’t bring a knife to a gun fight. Remember Clinton? Blow job! Impeached. Bush? Torture, wire tapping, war crimes, etc. Hello? Pussy Democrats grow some fucking balls and kick some fucking ass. Don’t get wimpy on me here.

It's still coming.

Applying Today's News to the Past

Teacher: Can anybody tell me what Hitler did?

Student 1: He murdered 6,000,000 Jews.

Teacher: Nope.

Student 2: He invaded his neighbors.

Teacher: Nope.

Student 3: He declared war on the US and lost.

Teacher: Nope, he didn't do any of that.

Student 4: By why not?

Teacher: Because he died before his trial, the charges leveled against him were thrown out, so Hitler didn't do any of those things. Okay, can anybody tell me what Ken Lay did?

It's coming.

End of Fear

I hate being scared. No, I don’t mean by things out of my control (I hate those too, but for obvious reasons), but intentionally being scared. I hate scary movies, I hate roller coasters, I hate things involving adrenaline, I hate the unexpected, I hate surprises period. I know, I know, I’m a pussy. Well, not really, I’m normal. In the US, we have the luxury of creating fear for entertainment. Halloween is a prime example. But why do we love fear so much? I think we fear not having fear.

WTF?

It makes sense and some people exploit it on two major fronts: terrorism and religion. Religion of course is a scam that is used to get people afraid of death, afraid of hell so people could get fuck in the ass with retarded dogmatic bullshit. And of course terrorism. People get afraid of Muslims, afraid of Arabs, “people with dark skin, RUN!!!!!” With the exception of 9/11, most of the terrorist plots “foiled” by the government have ended up being fraudulent. And that fear ends up being turned into votes for repugnicans...ditto for religion. Fear is suppose to be a feeling; not a business and definitely not a machine for propaganda.

But then is there good fear? Yes. Fear keeps us from doing retarded shit, like playing with crocodiles (Irwin RIP). In the wild, animals use fear to stay away from predators, but too much of it could cause stress and eventual death. Humans have become so evolved, we can be afraid so much that it is entertainment. But when someone is afraid, they don’t think straight and will vote repub this November. But here is something legitimate to be afraid of: an unchecked Bush and republican congress. But turn that fear into (good limited) anger and don’t get hoodwinked. Don’t let fear interfere.

Christopher Columbust

I know a lot of liberals don’t like Columbus Day because they say he was responsible for all the genocide that took place. No, that was the doings of Cortez, Pizarro, and Desoto. Columbus on the other hand was a fraud. He didn’t discover shit, the natives have been here forever. Even then, the Vikings “found” America before Columbus. The dude just wanted to find another way to India and stumbled upon the Bahamas. He died poor and a failure. Let’s have a holiday to honor a real hero, like Michael Moore...maybe.

Fuck the Polls

One thing that is most fun to do before an election is read the polls on the candidates. These polls are based on a the opinions of a few people and sometimes don’t mean shit. So, to be fair I will announce that these polls are based on nothing. These are my predictions of close races for senate a month in advance by state and how much they will win by:

Minnesota: Dem +3

Virginia: Rep +2

Rhode Island: Dem +2

Ohio: Dem +2

Pennsylvania: Dem +4

New Jersey: Dem +1

Maryland: Dem +3

Nevada: Rep +2

Washington: Dem +1

Missouri: Dem +1

Montana: Dem +2

Tennessee: Dem +1

Connecticut: Ind (I hope not) +2

Michigan: Dem +3

Nebraska: Dem +4

Total: Democrats pick up 6 seats. If not, I will apologize.

PS: I’ve changed my mind on Bill Nelson, I will vote for him.

Graffiti Party

A man in a small town is spraying spray paint on various buildings. He gets confronted by a janitor.

Janitor: Excuse me, what are you doing?

Man: I’m expressing my opinion.

Janitor: Well, you can’t do that on other people’s buildings.

Man: I’m doing it now.

Janitor: Well, I’ll just have to clean your graffiti, it’s against the law to do that.

Man: Well, that’s persecution and most people agree with my “art” anyways. By the way, doesn’t the city pay for your work?

Janitor: Yes.

Man: Maybe you shouldn’t take the people’s tax dollars.

Janitor: Huh?

After some convincing, the city council and mayor agree with the vandal and decide to take away the janitor’s job.

Mayor: People shouldn’t have to pay the janitor for removing the “art” the man is spray painting to all our buildings. Besides, I and most people agree with the art...even though it’s against the law.

A week later

Janitor: I lost my job because of you.

Man: Well, you will just have to take it...ACLU.

Kucinich/Sheehan 2008

Best ticket ever!

The Parable of the Alligator

Several park rangers convene for a meeting at a park in Florida. The second-in-command ranger has a special announcement.

SIC Ranger: Alligators are a threat to our visitors.

Ranger 1: What?

Ranger 2: Are you crazy, there has not been one recorded attack on our visitors.

SIC Ranger: But we can’t wait until it’s too late.

Embarrassed but not dissuaded, the ranger has an idea.

SIC Ranger: I got a tip off from an anonymous visitor that I will just call “screwball” that his dog was eaten by an alligator.

Ranger 1: That’s awful, what do you intend to do about it?

SIC Ranger: Feed the gators.

Ranger 2: What the fuck? You’re insane.

SIC Ranger: It will work, what we do is we feed the alligators in one area of the park and like “fly paper” and they will all gather around that place. We will feed them there so we don’t have to feed them elsewhere.

Ranger 3: That is stupid, I want nothing to do with it.

SIC Ranger: You’re fired.

Ranger 1: I’m onboard.

Ranger 2: Me too!

Later that day, the second-in-command ranger and a few others start feeding the alligators in the park at a certain location. They block off the area from visitors and hope that will stop the problem. A week later, a family walks on the trail that goes parallel to the river and an alligator assuming it will be fed attacks the family and kills a little girl.

SIC Ranger: This is an outrage, we must kill these evil alligators!

Ranger 1: But they are only attacking us because we are feeding them and enraging them. Maybe if we stop feeding...

SIC Ranger: What? With that defeatist attitude, how will we win?

Ranger 2: But we are making the problem worse.

SIC Ranger: I don’t care, we can’t cut-and-run from the problem.

Ranger 1: I quit.

Ranger 2: Me too.

SIC Ranger: And those wild foxes are causing a problem also.

The next day, the ranger’s boss Nancy gives him an earful.

Nancy: I’m demoting you and giving you three months unpaid leave.

SIC Ranger: Why do you hate me? You are filled with such rage and...

Up next: The Boy Who Cried Wolf.

Can I Point Out Something?

Ahmadinejad and Chavez: both popularly elected by their own people.

Bush: stole two elections.

Who’s the anti-democratic dictator?

OUTRAGE!!!!!

Muslim: Jihad jihad! We will not take this anymore! These people insult Islam! We are outraged!

Reporter: So you are upset over what the pope said?

Muslim: Pope? I was talking about Rosie O’Donnell comparing us to radical Christians. George Bush murdered over 100,000 of our people and Osama only killed 3000 of their’s. How dare she criticize us and compare us to the fundi Christians. Jihad jihad!

E-Coli

Popeye: I'm strong to the finish cause I eat my spinach. I'm Popeye the sailor...(hurls, flushes toilet)

USA!

Republican: USA! USA! Remember 9/11!

Iraqi: Can you please shut up.

Republican: What? Do you hate America?

Iraqi: Yes.

Republican: Why do you hate America?

Iraqi: Well, you guys had just one 9/11, we had more than 30. Your “shock and awe” was like a holocaust to us. Our country was in shambles and we were poor. I hated Saddam, but when bombs were dropped on my best friend’s house, I rallied around him and joined the Iraqi army. After I surrendered, I was put in a prison where I was beaten for weeks. I returned home after the Saddam statue fell to a house without power. My pregnant wife had a miscarriage because the local hospital was destroyed and we couldn’t get prenatal care. Talk about your culture of life. My wife eventually died too. A few weeks later I found out there were no Saddam weapons programs and Bush lied to get into my country. I then almost died in a suicide attack on a café in Baghdad. I don’t enjoy my fellow country men blowing themselves up, but if you guys just leave, they will go back to being normal. When 9/11 happened, I was horrified. Osama has dishonored Islam and I want him dead. But 5 years later, your idiotic and murderous president hasn’t caught him and decided to kill my friends and family instead. I decided to come to the US to protest with Cindy Sheehan so Bush will get out of my country now. So, while it was wrong for Osama to kill innocent Americans, it was also wrong for Bush to invade Iraq. When I say “I hate America”, I just hate your government and president. So does that answer your question?

Republican: No, why do you hate America?

Iraqi: (Sigh)

Republican: USA! USA!

ABC=Absolute Bull Crap

Path to the Titanic Sinking

Sailor: Sir, shouldn’t you be looking out for icebergs?

Clinton: No, I’m too busy making love to Dicaprio’s lover.

Path to Pearl Harbor

General: I hear a rumor that Japan will attack us.

Clinton: Disregard that warning.

Path to Godzilla

Scientist: Maybe it’s not a good idea to expose lizard eggs to radiation.

Clinton: I will do whatever I want to.

Path to 9/11.......

Hitler 1940s: Okay okay, I admit it. We have secret prisons in Eastern Europe. But it's necessary in our war against those "terrorists". Besides, a lot of it is outside, so the prisoners get the sunshine.

Rumsfeld or Goering?

"Voice or no voice, the people can always be brought to the bidding of the leaders. That is easy. All you have to do is tell them they are being attacked, and denounce the pacifists for lack of patriotism, and exposing the country to greater danger."-Herman Goering, German Nazi and Bush administration bad influence.

Bush Giggles

Bush: Heh heh heh heh.

Cheney: Thinking of something funny junior?

Bush: Heh heh, um just thinkin' of them dead blacks in New Orleans me killed a year ago.

Cheney: Whatever.

Just an Incredible Thought

I haven’t really had much time for commentary, most the shit I write is parody. But just think this for a second: liberals have always been on the right side of history on every occasion. Think about that, and when I refer to “liberal”, I’m talking about modern day liberalism. Joseph Stalin is no liberal, remember that. But liberals have been on the right side of history and at the same time conservatives have been on the wrong side. Especially American history. The founding fathers were liberals who wanted freedom from a right-wing tyranny. After the Revolutionary War, it was the conservative Federalists who wanted to stay a monarchy. In the Civil War, it was the liberals of the north that kicked the conservative, slavery-supporting ass of the Confederacy. It was the liberal union workers that won over the conservative Robber Barons and corporate greed. It was liberal FDR’s New Deal that got us out of the Great Depression and kicked Hitler in his fascist balls. Of course we liberals are right on anti-segregation, pro-environmental, women’s suffrage, anti-war, pro-gay, etc issues. And everywhere we go, conservatives stand in the way.

So liberal in a way means not being wrong.

“Plutocracy”

Pluto is not a planet and has never been one.

Nazi Republican: Hey, you know what, our freedoms don’t exist and never have existed. Let’s burn the Constitution!

Policeman: I’m sorry you two, you can’t hold hands.

Gay Men: We have the right to.

Policeman: Yeah, and Pluto was a planet. Let go of his hand you fag.

Anti-Environmentalist: These birds aren’t endangered, there are too many of them to apply for endangered status. Now bring on the bulldozers!

Bush: Heh heh, see me were right, there am only eight planets, my teacher flunked me for no reason. I are smarter than he, heh heh.

Cheney: Want me to go hunting with your former teacher?

Bush: No, just murder him, heh heh.

Cheney: I guess junior forgot the “code”.

Next up, evolution never occurred, except for maybe on Pluto.

Bush in the first grade: Um, heh heh, Mer, mer, mer, mercury, Penis, heh heh, um um, Mars candy bars, Dildo, heh heh, um um, heh heh, Sat, Sat, Saturnday, Neptunes, um Stupider, and uh um, um, My-anus, heh heh heh heh!

Teacher: That’s only 8, and Dildo is not a planet. And the others were retarded, you fail George.

Bush in the first grade: You will pay for this, heh heh.

53 years later

Cheney: Hi, are you Bush’s old teacher?

Retired Old Teacher: Yes.

Cheney: Would you like to go hunting with me?

Threat to Our Safety

A “patriotic” American drives to the airport and when he gets there, a cop inspects his car. He parks the car and goes to check in his luggage. Everywhere he looks there are police. The security guards put his bags through bomb detectors and inspect the luggage. The “patriot” then goes to the terminal and on the way there, his ID gets checked. He then goes through long lines and goes through the metal detectors. He looks over and sees another line with a few people of Middle Eastern descent being strip searched and he smiles. After his coffee cup gets inspected, he puts his shoes back on and heads to his gate. He turns around and laughs at the Muslim people getting strip searched. He shows his ID one more time and gets on the plane. He knows all these measures are for our safety.

He sits next to a liberal and the two don’t talk to each other. About a half hour into the flight, he hears a sound.

(Boom)

Patriot: What was that?

Liberal: The plane wing just blew up.

Patriot: We are under attack!

Liberal: No, Bush just hired another fucking horse judge to regulate the airlines. Thanks to less government, we are all going to die.

Patriot: BUSH BASHER! AMERICA HATER! WHY DON’T YOU BLAME THE TERRORISTS!?!

Liberal: (Sigh)

(Crash)

Racial Profiling of “Terrorists”

Two white Christian males standing in a line at an airport in an Arab country.

WMC1: Wow, that was a great vacation.

WMC2: Yeah, but I can’t wait to get back to the US of A.

Security Guard: Excuse me, you must stand in that line for extra scrutiny.

WMC1: What?

WMC2: But we didn’t do anything wrong.

Security Guard: Well, tough cookies. Most terrorist attacks against the Muslim world have been committed by white male Christians. They bomb our soul, kill our people, steal our resources, keep us in fear, give Israel weapons of mass destruction, keep us in fear, all the calling cards of terrorists.

WMC1: But isn’t terrorist Osama Bin Laden an arab Muslim man?

WMC2: Yeah.

Security Guard: Ha ha ha, your political correctness and moral relativism are astounding. What would you like us to do? Strip-search granny? Give me a break, get in the white male Christian line. By the way, are you guys Republicans?

WMC1: Yes.

WMC2: Shhhh!!!

Security Guard: Oh, well let’s give you the same respect you guys gave the prisoners at Abu Ghraib. Bring on the “frat hazing”, ha ha.

Gnitsaf Esrever

Cindy Sheehan goes on a hunger strike to protest the war.

Right-winger: Hey, I don’t like it.

Friend: Huh?

Right-winger: That pinko bitch is un-american, I will protest her!

Friend: But how will you do it?

Right-winger: Reverse fasting! I will not stop eating until Sheehan stops protesting. Now buddy, bring me some damn food!

Friend: Okay dude.

Day 1

Right-winger: Mmmmmm!!!!! Good food, Sheehan only wishes she could eat this stuff. Wow, my belly is getting full, that was quick. Must keep eating though, God bless America!

Day 6

Right-winger: Uhhh, my belly is really expanding, but it’s for my country. Son-of-a-bitch, why won’t Sheehan stop protesting?!?

Day 12

Friend: You need to stop eating, you will explode!

Right-winger: Muuuust suuuupport the trooops, (gulp). Uh oh.

(Pop)

Friend: (sigh) I’ll call an ambulance.

Right-winger: Freedom!

Telepathetic

News from England: We found some dudes who were going to use explosive liquids to blow up airplanes.

Chertoff: Wow, we can’t trust people to bring liquids on our airplanes anymore. These terrorists are getting really high-tech here. What next, terrorists using telepathy to make the pilots crash the planes? Hmmm.

Week later

Airport Security Guard: Okay people, must leave your brains at the gate. This is for your safety.

Passenger 1: Is this necessary?

Passenger 2: Yes, we can’t let terrorists on these planes using their mind power to crash it.

Passenger 3: Get used to it, like me...durrrrrrrrrrr!!!!!

Fuck You Joe

I hope Ned Lamont kicks your ass and forces you into retirement.

Really Bad, Non-Political Joke

Coworker 1: I have a problem.

Coworker 2: What dude?

Coworker 1: Well, I was in the bathroom and I was taking a piss when I realized that the pee wouldn’t flush down. The fucking toilet is broken!

Coworker 2: Wow, urine trouble.

D.O.O.B.E.E.E.E.H.H.

1865

Soldier: Sir, we can not win this war, we must surrender to the Yankees.

General Robert E. Lee: No, us will um not sur, sur, surrender. Us is goin’ ta win this war, heh heh.

1933

Senator: Mr. president, gangs are running our city and this prohibition isn’t working, but why won’t you repeal the laws?

FDR: Heh heh, um because uh, the gangs is evil terrorists and we can not no cut and run from the war on liquor, heh heh, “lick her.” Hey why the heck is me in this wheelchair?

San Francisco 1989

Firefighter: Sir, you are lucky to be alive, we pulled you from your house. Why didn’t you flee your house?

Home Owner: Well, um heh heh, uh if me did that then the arsonist will win, heh heh, I said “arse.”

Firefighter: Um, the fire was started by an earthquake breaking the gas line.

Home Owner: No, that are just giving the arsonists AIDS and Cumfort, heh heh heh heh...

2006

Rove: Um, junior wake up!

Bush: Whoa!

Rove: Sleeping?

Bush: No, heh heh. Damn out of body ex, exper, experi, experience, Heh heh!

Vote For Us!

Republican: (knocks on door)

Old lady: Hello there young man.

Republican: Hi, I’m working for the congressional campaign of candidate X, and he would like to be reelected this fall.

Old Lady: What has he done for me these past two years.

Republican: Well, he voted to protect your guns, protect the flag, protect you from evil terrorists, protect marriage, protect the unborn, protect god in the public square, protect...

Old lady: Do you think I’m stupid? Go away!

Republican: Well, I tried.

Old Lady: Those darn Republicans, always voting for things that don’t affect me and...(knocking)...now who could that be? (opens door)

A terrorist wearing a shirt with the word “god” crossed out on it with a bomb strapped to it while burning a flag and chewing on a fetus all while sodomizing his newly wed gay husband: GIVE ME YOUR GUN!!!!!

Old Lady: Oh no! Save me Republican congressman, save me!

Qana

Two burglars are holding up a bank and there are hostages.

Bank Owner: Can you save the people inside?

Police Chief: I don’t know, this might take some drastic measures.

Bank Owner: What does that mean?

Police Chief: You know what, bring in the mortars!

Bank Owner: Huh?

Police Chief: FIRE!!!!!

(Boom)

Bank Owner: You blew up my bank and killed the people inside!

Police Chief: Success, we killed the bad guys, both of them.

Bank Owner: But that was only two of them, you killed like sixty innocent people.

Police Chief: Well, they were just human shields.

Americans: Stupid as Fuck

American 1: Hey did you hear that the New York Times committed treason?

American 2: Uh, yes.

American 3: Well, even though everyone knew about the SWIFT program and Bush himself talked about it and other newspapers reported it too, I still want to hang the New York Times for treason.

American 2: Hang em!

American 1: Oh yeah and Valerie Plame is lying and Rove never committed treason although he did but Fox told me he didn’t and Rove is a true American hero and God bless him.

American 2: USA! USA! Oops!

American 3: Uh, that thing, um, I think it’s called a brain fell out of your skull.

American 1: Looks squishy.

American 2: Duuuuuuuuurrrrrr!!!!!

American 3: What were we talking about?

American 1: I don’t remember, let’s blame Ted Kennedy.

American 2: Torture is good!

American 3: Oh yeah, did you hear we found weapons of mass destruction in Iraq?

American 1: Yeah, according to a poll, 50% of us said so, and that is like a majority, so Bush was right.

American 3: Wait, that poll doesn’t sound right...all three of us believe Bush when he said Iraq had those evil weapons, so that is like 100%.

American 1: Makes perfect sense.

American 4 (liberal): Hi guys!

American 1: America hater! Pot smoker! Commie!

American 3: Terrorist supporter! Bush basher! Sodomite!

American 2: Uhhh! I pooped in my pants! Penguin!

American 4: Bye guys!

American 1: Wow, those liberals are really something.

American 3: Yes and they um, I forgot what I was going to say, um war, freedom, god, Bush is great, torture, rape, American pie, capitalism, uh yeah.

American 2: UHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Shortbusocracy: Free Speech Style

Right wingers, especially corporatists have used Supreme Court rulings that declare political contributions from corporations as “free speech.” That’s stupid. Those contributions make politics filthier. But if that is free speech, then any form of giving can be free speech.

Blood donor: I’m giving blood, I support this cause, so it’s free speech.

Robber: Give me your money!

Victim: Alright alright, jeez you are forcing me to express my free speech at gunpoint.

Parent: Hey kids, merry Christmas! Here are your presents.

Kids: Yay! Free speech!

Policeman: Halt! Stop burning that flag!

Protester: But it’s my free speech.

Policeman: Yeah, well the government doesn’t say so. You’re going to jail punk.

Protester: I’ll bribe you to let me go.

Policeman: Ohhh, now that is free speech.

Bush Joke

Bush: Heh heh, um ah knock knock.

Albert: Go away!

Bush: You is suppose to said “who’s there?”

Albert: I refuse to.

Bush: Me are the pres, president. I are the king. Knock knock.

Albert: Okay, who’s there?

Bush: Dill.

Albert: Dill who?

Bush: Dildo, heh heh heh heh...

Albert: That was stupid. Hi folks, I’m Albert Cirrus. Okay, that’s not my real name, but it is a cool name. I own this nation, the Albert Cirrus Nation and this website now is three years old. Maybe one day I’ll get to be a better writer or have more readers. But look forward to more parody, commentary, and comedy in the future.

Bush: Heh heh heh heh heh heh heh heh heh...“dildo.”

Religion in Public School

Son: Hi mom, hi dad.

Mom: Hi sweetheart!

Dad: What did you learn in school today?

Son: Well in science, I learned that god created the Earth in six days and rested on the seventh. In literature I learned that the Bible wants us to kill gay people. In history I learned that the crusades were a good thing. In math I learned about “intelligent division.” In health I learned that masturbation will give me cancer. And in current events class I learned that the religious special interests are treating us like fools.

Dad: Good.

Mom: Now go upstairs and pray to god for a half an hour that the violence in the Middle East will continue so Jesus will rapture us sooner.

Son: (Sigh)Yes mom.

Running out of Ideas

Am I running out of ideas for parody? Of course not. Here is some of my new material:

Okay, Bush says something stupid using really bad grammar. Then Bush has sex with Cheney or Rove or Osama. I then make fun of religion and intelligent design. I take a recent news issue and make a parody out of it then I call for Michael Moore to win a medal while defending liberalism. I make fun of Rush’s drug problem then make fun of Coulter’s anorexia. In between I use a lot of profanity. The end.

There, I’m original. :-P

Bush Opposes Murder?

The simple answer is he (Bush) thinks murder is wrong.-Tony Snow on Bush vetoing the stem cell bill. I guess Bush just thinks embryos are living humans. Hmmm.

Bush: Rumsfeld, halt the bombing of Iraq, there might be embryos down there!

Bush: Don’t execute those 150 inmates on death row, they were embryos once!

Bush: Brownie, send help to New Orleans immediately, there might be embryos floating in the water!

Bush: Daddy and Reagan, promise me that the Contras aren’t killing any embryos in Central America.

Bush: Remove the arsenic from the water, it could kill some embryos!

Bush: Prime Minister Olmert, you might accidently kill some Lebanese embryos, stop!

Bush: Mr. Bin laden, call off the attacks, there are embryos in the World Trade Center!

The Annoying Kid (Hezbollah)

Annoying Kid: Hey mister! (poke poke)

Man: Stop poking, go away.

Annoying Kid: Hey mister! (poke poke)

Man: Stop poking, go away.

Annoying Kid: Hey mister! (poke poke)

Man: Stop poking, go away.

Annoying Kid: Hey mis...

Man: (Punches kid in the face)

(Week later in court)

Man: But judge, I was just defending myself, I have the right to do that.

It’s just a damn parrot!

Every year, I-State University plays P-State University in a huge rivalry game that always gets heated. One year, a couple of frat boys at P-State stole the mascot for the I-State team. The mascot is a colorful parrot and the frat boys keep it in their house. The boys dress up as jihadists and show pictures of the parrot on an internet cam. Everyone knows who the boys are and about 75% of the campus support their “prank.” But I-State doesn’t see it as a prank.

One night, I-State calls out the national guard to send tanks and troops onto the campus of P-State to recover the parrot. A plane flies over the campus and drops a bomb on the power lines killing the power. The troops storm into the campus and go dorm to dorm with machine guns looking for the punks with the parrot. They knock out some bridges and roads which might harbor the kidnappers. They send some Caterpillar bulldozers to start to destroy some of the frat houses, but can’t find them. All the students are herded to a “strip” of land owned by the Gamma Alpha Zeta Alpha Fraternity. Meanwhile, the boys who took the parrot get away.

The dean of P-State is outraged.

Dean: It’s just a damn parrot!

Commander: Yeah, well we can’t let those “terrorists” win. I mean, I-State does have a right to defend itself.

Something

Two men dress up as penguins and go scuba diving to look at schools of swimming flamingoes. One dude is an Eskimo and the other dude is a hermaphrodite. After scuba diving, the two party on their island naked while tickling midgets. Then it rains chocolate and the two men melt and turn into gophers that get eaten by the god of pudding.

Then I wake up, “Wow, what a fucked up dream.” I then put my shoes on and go to the store. I’m standing in line and guess who was in front of me: George fucking Bush, the president. I try to ignore him, but he turns around to shake my hand.

Bush: Heh heh heh heh, me nombre are Jorje Arbusto. That means I are George Bush, heh heh.

Albert: I know that you nazi, now move. You’re next in line.

Bush: Heh heh, how rude. I just kill innocent Iraqis, it are not like I did anything to you personally.

Cashier: Paper or plastic?

Bush: Hmmm, that are a tough question.

Albert: Yo dumbass, just pick one.

Bush: Don’t you dare speak to I like that, don’t make I go nucular on your booty, heh heh, me said “booty.”

Albert: Retard.

Bush: I guess I’ll take paper, I have a good use for it. No, me will take plastic. Gosh darn it, what would me take?

Sarah: Mr. President, what are you buying?

Bush: Hamster food.

Sarah: I know what you do with those hamsters, you shove them up your...

Albert: But I thought Bush uses gerbils.

Sarah: He uses hamsters and gerbils.

Bush: You is both wrong, me has no hamster or gerbil. They died a long time ago from, heh heh, nat, nat, nat, natural causes.

Sarah: But why the food?

Albert: Believe me, you don’t want to know.

Bush: Yeah, it are nat, nat, nat, national sec, sec, security, heh heh. Plastic please.

Bush puts the hamster food in the garbage can outside of the store as he gets into the presidential limo and goes back to the White House. Bush then lies on the floor in the livingroom and puts the plastic bag over his face. A naked Joe Lieberman then walks to Bush and starts to “glass bottom boat” him.

Bush: Me are glad me got plastic and not paper, now me can see my bitch from Connecticut pleasure me at the same time. Heh heh heh heh heh heh heh heh...

Lieberman: I hate myself.

I wish this was a dream.

Slowmentum

Lieberman: Mr. Lamont, you can’t run as a single issue candidate, I’m democratic enough for Connecticut. Sure I may support torturing and murdering kittens, but that’s not a good reason to vote against me.

Lamont: Um, senator.

Lieberman: Yeah, the kittens might be cute and adorable, but they are cuter when thrown into a wood chipper.

Lamont: Um, senator.

Lieberman: And the kittens are fun to blow up in microwaves.

Lamont: Um, senator.

Lieberman: And sticking firecrackers up their butts is cool too.

Lamont: Senator!

Lieberman: What?

Lamont: I was talking about your support for the Iraq war, but this new revelation seems interesting.

Lieberman: What? Are you questioning my Joementum?

Lamont: Huh?

Lieberman: That’s it, I’m running as an independent. Take that! Hey look a kitten, come here!

Oh My God, God Killed Kenny!

Most of all, my family and I believe that God is in control and, indeed, He does work all things for good for those who love the Lord. And we love our Lord.

-The now late Kenneth Lay

Albert Cirrus is officially giving up atheism.

Signing Statements

Jefferson: When in the course of human events it becomes necessary for one people to dissolve the political bands which have connected them with another and to assume among the powers of...

Bush: Whoa whoa heh heh, slow down dude, I are too retarded to under sta, sta, sta, stand any of that um stuff, heh heh.

Jefferson: Oh crap, you again.

Bush: Yeah, can me make some signing state, statements? Heh heh.

Jefferson: What?

Bush: You know, so me no veto your nice dec, dec, declar...

Jefferson: Get this retard out of here...(clears throat) powers of the earth, the separate and equal station to which the laws of nature and of nature’s god entitle them...

Bush: The Christian god, right? Heh heh.

Jefferson: GET OUT!!!

Right-wingers Say the Most Retarded Things

Shortbusocracy: Noun-Government ruled by retarded people.

Everyday, I read right-wing commentary on a few websites and I get the gist of what they are saying. Here are a few examples of what a few right-wingers believe in:

Smoking is good for you.

The minimum wage is a form of eugenics.

Hitler was a liberal.

The Terri Schiavo incident was a liberal solution to social security.

Environmentalism is a religion.

Atheism came from satan.

Abe Lincoln was a dictator.

MLKJ was a socialist fraud.

Michael Newdow is like Osama Bin Laden.

The “war on Christianity” is worse than segregation.

The terrorists are attacking us in Iraq because they fear gay marriage.

God gave us the right to be atheists.

And many more!

Good Point Albert Cirrus

Listening to our shithead president talk about wanting to spy on terrorist bank records, (since when does bush care about fighting terrorism?) I can't help but think about the hypocrisy. Didn't Bush's grandfather Prescott illegally give money to the Nazis during WW2? He did, and I wonder what the country would be like is the bush family was prosecuted right then and there.

Flag Desecration

Johnny Patriot wakes up on the morning of July Fourth. He gets out of bed without disturbing his wife and goes outside to put up his flag outside. He is ready for the big day at the cookout at the beach. He changes out of his American flag pajamas and changes into his American flag t-shirt. He gets the newspaper that has a giant American flag on the cover of it. He reads the paper and then puts it in the bird cage to catch the poop. He mails a letter with an American flag stamp, which won’t be mailed until the next day as it sits in the dark mailbox. His six year old daughter eats cereal with small American flag marshmallows in it. His wife puts some coupons on the fridge door using American flag shaped magnet.

The three get into their car which is covered in American flag “support the troops” stickers that have been eaten away by the weather. Two American flags (made in China) on either side of the car flap around in the wind as they drive towards the beach and when they reach there, the flags look sorta beat up. Some friends of theirs are already at the beach under the pavilion with the food. The American flag table cloth covers the table by which the end of the is covered in food. The cake on the table looks like an American flag which gets cut in half to begin the serving. The kids chow down on the food and then wipe their faces with American flag napkins then dispose of it either in the trash can or the fireplace. The American flag cake is served with red, white, and blue strawberries, cool whip, and blueberries. The finger-food has small toothpicks with American flags on them.

At the beach, Johnny Patriot and his wife go out for a swim. He is wearing an American flag swimming trunk and she is wearing a bikini with an American flag on it. They go out for the swim in the salty water and get sand all over their beach attire. Their daughter plays with some friends of hers and dries herself off with an American flag towel. Meanwhile, some war veterans are setting fire to an old flag to properly destroy it and they give a salute to it as it burns. When it gets darker out, they all fire fireworks. The fireworks are covered in American flags as they shoot up into the air and explode into a million pieces. Johnny Patriot leads the singing of “God bless America” as everyone waves the American flag during the fireworks display. The flags they are waving were bought on sale for a dollar (made in China of course).

The clouds start to get dark and it suddenly starts to rain. All the stuff around them starts to get wet and some of the stuff gets chucked into the garbage including a few American flags. The Patriot family gets into their car and drive home. The American flag Johnny hung up outside the house is soaked and he takes it down without a second thought. He throws the flag into the washing machine with the rest of the swim suits. Johnny’s wife uses an American flag umbrella to shield her from the rain and dries it off in the hallway. She goes to the bedroom and lies on the American flag draped bed sheets and falls asleep right away. Johnny turns on the tv to watch the news. In the news today, some war protesters used Independence Day to burn a flag in protest, Johnny’s disgusted.

Johnny: Good god, we need a law to prevent these America haters from desecrating the flag, I’m calling my senator tomorrow.

Traitors of Free Speech (Democrats)

No, not all Democrats, just a few cowards who think that banning a minority’s free speech is acceptable.

Baucus (MT), Bayh (IN), Dayton (MN), Feinstein (CA), Johnson (SD), Landrieu (LA), Lincoln (AR), Menendez (NJ), Nelson (FL), Nelson (NE), Reid (NV), Rockefeller (WV), Salazar (CO), and Stabenow (MI).

Cowards, if this amendment passes, I might burn a flag out of protest.

And Bill Nelson, not getting my vote this November.

“The Other Side”

Iraqi 1: Why do the Americans hate us?

Iraqi 2: What do you mean?

Iraqi 1: Well, they bomb our country, torture us, steal our oil, kill our people, undermine Islam, give aide to our enemies, and take away our freedoms.

Iraqi 2: Well, we have to understand why they hate us.

Iraqi 1: Oh no, here comes your “Iraq hating” rhetoric and “moral relativism.”

Iraqi 2: Well, the Americans aren’t the terrorists, they are just trying to avenge a terrorist attack on innocent people in New York City some moron named Osama perpetrated. We protest and burn Danish flags over a stupid little cartoon and that makes people in the first world think we are barbaric. Also the Americans don’t like how we have an Islamic theocracy that degrades women. And our suicide bombings of innocent Israelis aren’t helping either.

Iraqi 1: You know, I’m starting to see your way. Maybe we are to blame for Americans hating us.

Iraqi 2: Yeah dude.

(an American plane drops a bomb)

Iraqi 1: Ahhhh!!!!! My family!!!!! My house!!!!! My business!!!!! Gone!!!!!

Iraqi 2: Now calm down, we have to understand our enem...

Iraqi 1: Fuck you! Jihad jihad! Allah bless Iraq! Kill the terrorists! Venge the attacks! Kill kill kill!!!!!

American Pilot: Ha ha! Fuck you! War war! God bless America! Kill the terrorists! Venge 9/11! Kill kill kill!

Lose Lips Sink Ships

A journalist from the New York Times wakes up to some loud booming sound outside. He puts on his coat and walks outside. A couple of Iranian jets fly over him and blow up some skyscrapers. He walks by a store in which people run out screaming while three jihadists fire their machine guns into the air. A man next to him is on the ground dying from Anthrax while a brown skinned man across the street with a bomb strapped to his chest blows up a restaurant. As he walks down the street, a UFO hovers over him and lets down a greenish glow and beams up some nuns and Boy Scouts into its evil alien lair. From a distance he can see a Godzilla monster battling some tanks which ultimately get blown up by a dirty bomb. On the news he sees that a North Korean nuke blew up San Francisco, but only the communist hippies survived the blast. To top it off, he walks by a flag-burning lesbian feminist singing the national anthem in Spanish.

Journalist: Wow, all of this because I revealed that the US was spying on some bank transactions. I’m sorry. Why? Why? WHY!?!?!?!?! I submit to Bush and the republicans, they were right, THEY WERE RIGHT!!!!!

Bush: (wakes up) Wow, me just have the goodest dream ever.

Osama: Go back to bed, Georgie.

Bush: Yes bitch, heh heh.

Republicans on Iraq

Patient: OWWW!!!!!

Doctor: What’s the matter?

Patient: It hurts when I do this. (stabs himself with small knife) OWWW!!!!!

Doctor: Um, then don’t do that.

Patient: Wait a minute, I came here for a solution, not this “cut and run.”

Doctor: I’m just saying that you shouldn’t stab yourself and make it worse.

Patient: You have a defeatist attitude. (stabs himself) OWW!!!!! You pacifist!!!!!

Doctor: (sigh)

Republican Thinking (or lack there of) Game

During a drinking game, you drink something every time something happens. During a “thinking game”, you add or subtract brain cells. For Republicans, you only subtract them.

-1 Every time one of them brings up Monica Lewinsky.

-1 Every time one claims the media is liberal.

-1 Every time one says something to support the Iraq War.

-1 Every time one uses the term “political correctness.”

-1 Every time one tries to disprove global warming.

-1 Every hour one listens to the Rush Limbaugh Show.

-1 Every time one uses the term “death tax”.

-2 Every time one calls creationism “intelligent design.”

-2 Every time one brings up the “hot coffee” lawsuit.

-2 Every time one confuses 9/11 with Iraq.

-2 Every hour one listens to Michael Savage.

-2 Every time one uses the term “feminazi.”

-2 Every time one compares homosexuality to bestiality.

-2 Every time one defends Ann Coulter.

-2 Every time one suggests flag burning should be illegalized.

-3 Every time one uses the term “abortion mill.”

-3 Every time one claims smoking is good for you.

-3 Every time one claims that Vince Foster was murdered.

-3 Every time one says that god can control the weather.

-3 Every time one claims weapons of mass destruction have been found in Iraq.

-3 Every time one claims that Bush is a great president.

-3 Every time one justifies torture.

Liberal Whore Media

Ann Coulter: 2+2=5!!!!!

Ted Rall: 2+2=4!!!!!

Whore media: Coulter and Rall are obviously extremists on either end of the political spectrum.

More Wisdumb from Rush Limbaugh

"I’ve concluded that God does not want me to be choking while having a good time."

Just some more senseless shit from the "GOPiate of the People."

New Truths

Let me change and add to the 35 truths (more than 35) at the bottom of the page. They will be even better.

Anncoulteritis

The many phases of Anncoulteritis/reaction to the rhetoric. Ann Coulter: “The 9/11 widows enjoy their husbands’ deaths.”

Phase 1: Denial

“Coulter did not just say that.”

Phase 2: Fear

“I hope nobody takes her seriously.”

Phase 3: Anger

“That bitch!”

Phase 4: Acceptance

“Well, it’s her free speech, she can say whatever she wants even if it’s offensive.”

Phase 5: “Acceptance” part 2

“On the other hand Ann might have a point.”

Phase 6: “Acceptance” part 3:

“You know, the media does bring out these anti-Bush types and shield them and nobody can criticize them.

Phase 7: “Acceptance” part 4

“Shame on those widows for not supporting Bush and using their husbands’ deaths to make money. I don’t care if it’s slander to say that, it makes sense...sorta. I don’t care.”

Phase 8: Indoctrination

“Here’s to you Ann, the Queen of Darkness bringing light to a made up controversy while creating more controversy at the same time.” (Drinks Kool Aid)

Cute, Sexy, Pretty, and Going to Hell

Her name is Aishwarya Rai. She’s a famous Indian actress from Bollywood that I found out existed today. She’s pretty good looking, considering the fact that she’s going to hell. What? Yes, according to Christianity, if you don’t acknowledge Jesus as your personal savior, you go to hell. That includes the Hindus like Aishwarya Rai. That sucks. Luckily there is no...well you get my point.

Sounds familiar?

General: We are losing the war. The opposition is too strong and growing stronger. We invaded these countries to steal their wealth and torture and kill civilians, that is not helping with the effort. We lied to our people and told them we invaded these countries to liberate them and they were a threat to our security at the same time. Now we are engaged in war in multiple countries, we need to rethink our strategy. Maybe it’s a good idea to end the war and...

Hitler: Noooooo!!!!! We can’t cut and run!

Great Day

Zoo Keeper: I didn’t get gored by a Rhino today.

Wife: My husband didn’t cheat on me today.

Californian: There wasn’t an earthquake today.

Bank Teller: I didn’t get robbed today.

Doctor: I didn’t commit malpractice today.

Iraqi: My house wasn’t bombed today.

Park Ranger: A tree didn’t fall on my head today.

Policeman: I didn’t get shot today.

Quarterback: I didn’t break my leg today.

Sailor: My boat didn’t capsize today.

Karl Rove: I didn’t get indicted today.

A great day isn’t when something good happens, but when something bad doesn’t.

Truth about Conservatives

Conservative: Our Al Qaeda enemy is evil and out to destroy our freedoms. They torture and kill innocent people and oppress women. They are obsessed with bombs and guns and kill people in the name of god. To fight against them, we must be like them. Burn the Constitution to save the Constitution!

Another Controversial Satire of Who’s in Heaven/Hell

God: Welcome through the pearly gates my child!

Zarqawi: Thank you, my lord.

Iraqi blown up by Zarqawi: Hey, why does he get to go to heaven?

God: Because he converted to Christianity right before he died.

Iraqi blown up by Zarqawi: That’s not fair!

God: Well, life’s not fair, death’s less fair.

Zarqawi: So, how about my 72 virgins?

God: Ha ha ha! Christianity is the answer, remember?

Zarqawi: Right.

God: Here you get only one virgin. One of your picking.

Zarqawi: Hmmmm. I pick Ann Coulter.

God: Might I ask why?

Zarqawi: See, she owes Al Qaeda one. If it wasn’t for us, there wouldn’t be any 9/11 widows for her to make fun of. Plus, I like blonds.

God: Okay, I’ll allow it. When she dies which won’t be for a while.

Zarqawi: Oh damn, oh well eternity passes very quickly here.

Coulter: Hi, I’m here. Let’s get it on baby.

Zarqawi: That was quick, hey wait a minute, who’s this dude?

God: Well, enjoy eternity with Ann, or should I say "Andrew?"

Reagan: Where am I?

God: Hey Reagan, what are you doing here?

Reagan: Some person wearing a red suit sent me up here.

God: Oh no, Satan sent you here?

Reagan: I guess. By the way, who am I?

Coulter: You were the president of the United States once.

Reagan: I was? Thank you young man.

God: Hey Zarqawi, what are you doing?

Zarqawi: I’m jumping off this cloud into hell.

Coulter: No!

(Zarqawi jumps)

Coulter: I loved him!

God: Well, now you know how the 9/11 widows felt.

McCarthy: Hey God, you don’t happen to have an extra virgin do you?

God: Why yes I do.

Coulter: Come here baby. Joe, there’s something you should know about me.

McCarthy: Quiet. Now make love to me.

God: Awwww. They’ll make a great couple.

Reagan: Who am I again?

God: God damn it!!!!!

My Readers

Albert Cirrus Nation would like to thank all its readers. Gordon, get well soon. Sarah in New Jersey, thank you for finding this site as well as my myspace site. Thank you to bush for being a fascist and a retard so I can make fun of him. Don't forget: at the bottom of my page is the conservative idiot(s) of the week and the 35 (more soon) rules. Take care y'all and don't stop reading my shit. Some shit smells nasty, but it can also be used to make fertilizer to make plants grow taller and flowers bloom.-Albert Blue Cirrus

Political Incorrectness: The Opiate of the Right-Wing

Definition of Anti-PC: denying the past so you get confused about the present.

Homophobe: (covers ears and eyes) La la la la la! Gay bashing? Never happened. (opens ears and eyes) Wow, those homosexuals are so militant in wanting gay marriage, I wonder why?

Sexist Bastard: (covers ears and eyes) La la la la la! Wife beatings? Never happened. Anti-women’s suffrage? Nope. Barefoot and pregnant? Never happened. (opens ears and eyes) Wow, those women hate men. All they do is have abortions, I wonder why? Feminazis!

Anti-Environmentalist: (covers ears and eyes) La la la la la! Killing off of entire species of animals? Never happened. Cutting down trees and polluting the air? Nope, clean as a whistle. Global warming? Ha ha! (opens ears and eyes) Wow, those environmentalist wackos hate humanity. And why is Al Gore is so annoying? Snail Darter!

Capitalist: (covers ears and eyes) La la la la la! Laying off thousands of workers? Nope. Not paying them enough money? Yeah right. Union busting? You must be joking. (opens ears and eyes) Why are those union members striking and starting Marxist revolutions? Why are those commies doing that?

Racist SOB: (covers ears and eyes) La la la la la! Years of slavery? Ha! The Klu Klux Klan? Never existed. Segregation? Pfft! (opens ears and eyes) Wow, why are these black people acting so hostile towards us whites?

Christo-fascist: (covers ears and eyes) La la la la la! The crusades, Salem witch trials, the Inquisition, and Nazi Germany? Never happened, not us good Christians. Persecuting scientists? In your dreams. Forcing religion on others? Hardly. (opens ears and eyes) Why is the ACLU taking god out of the public square? I don’t know why they are doing it, they must worship satan.

War supporter: (covers ears and eyes) La la la la la! The United States bombed Muslim countries, put our military bases in their holy lands, and supported dictators like Saddam Hussein? Ha! You politically correct freaks! (opens ears and eyes) Wow, why do these terrorists hate us? Our freedoms? Let’s bomb them back! Support freedom! USA! USA! Hey, what’s that on the ground? I think it’s my brain.

Gay Marriage?

Anonymous Right-winger: This is an outrage, these liberals want to tell us what to do. They want us to accept something we think is immoral and make us go against God’s will. Our society has had these traditions for centuries and damn it, we will keep them! We will even go to war over this issue. Everyone should stand up and say, “YOU WILL NOT STOP US...ABE LINCOLN!!!!!”

Profanity Count

You know what? I have a dirty mouth, so here is a word count of various words in my posts since 2004:

Fuck: 207

Shit: 74

Ass: 72

Bitch: 13

Dildo: 8

Nazi: 53

Bastard: 8

Retard: 53

Moron: 8

Cock Sucker: 9

Hell: 47

Damn: 22

Whore: 19

Worst curse word of Earth, Bush: 440!

666!!!!!

Christian 1: We must be on the defensive!

Christian 2: The anti-Christ is coming!

Christian 3: He will come for us all!

Skeptic: Ahem. The world won’t end. It didn’t come last century’s 6/6/06, or the one before that, and won’t probably come next century. Besides, the Bible’s translation actually said the sign of the anti-Christ was “616" not “666.” The end didn’t come five days ago. You should all get a life.

(Pause)

Christian 1: He’s the anti-Christ!

Christian 2: Burn him!

Skeptic: (Sigh) I hope these people aren’t around in another 1000 years.

Haditha

What is the difference between our troops storming into a house killing 24 Iraqi civilians and dropping thousands of pounds of bombs on Baghdad killing 10,000's?

Answer: Media coverage

Apparently if you drive down the highway and drop thumbtacks out the window and 20 cars flip over, you will most likely not be caught. But if you walk up to a car and slash 1 tire, you are 10 times more likely to be caught.

(What the fuck is your point Albert?)

Why should any violence in Iraq be justified? The Haditha massacre while horrible is just a drop in the bucket in the war, it’s just being covered in the media more than all the other disasters.

The Freedoms They Fight For

Two troops in Iraq.

Troop 1: It’s great that we are out here fighting for freedom.

Troop 2: Yeah, um about that, what freedoms?

Troop 1: What do you mean?

Troop 2: Well, the Supreme Court just voted 5-4 that government whistle-blowers can have their free speech rights restricted, South Dakota banned most abortions, and the Bush administration is spying on people. Not to mention that they still want to ban flag burning. I don’t like it, but if you can’t burn a flag, then we are not fighting for freedom.

Troop 1: So? Aren’t we fighting for the Iraqi and Afghani freedom?

Troop 2: Well, if you call Sharia Law taking over those two countries freedom, then that’s freedom. But I don’t want to fight so that radical Islamic regimes can take over the countries, especially if their Bush-friendly regimes. Even then, we are really fighting for oil and control of Iraq and Afghanistan, not for freedom and fighting terrorism. If we really want to fight for freedom, we should refuse to continue to fight this war and protest in the streets of America with Cindy Sheehan so we could remove Bush and install real freedom.

Troop 1: You’re right. Besides, it’s too damn hot here in Iraq.

South Park Analogy

In an episode of South Park, the crippled kid named Timmy had a retarded turkey named “Gobbles” and it was captured by a company that “killed turkeys humanely”. Gobbles was put in this room with all these smart turkeys; they all had their heads up and aware while Gobbles had his head down and stupid. Then the turkeys were shown this movie and while they were watching it, a saw cut off all their heads. Gobbles was the only one to survive and he wandered off back to Timmy.

What the hell does this have to do with anything? Gobbles is like the conservatives. They survive by dumb luck and even spread their stupidity on the world. And the intellectual liberals are the turkeys who get killed. The environmentalists, the secularists, the minorities, the scientists, the feminists, the union workers, the war protesters, the gays, the smart people, etc get demonized while the right-wing fascists rule and even celebrate their idiocy in a stupidity pride parade. I’ve coined a term for this: “Shortbusocracy”, a government ruled by retards.

Earthquake in Indonesia

Prediction at 1:06 PM: A fundie like Falwell or Robertson or Dobson will claim the earthquake is god's vengence against Islam for the 9/11 attacks because roughly 3000 people died.

George Washington

A republican goes back in time to bring President George Washington to 2006.

Republican: Mr. President, I brought you here to prove to the world that you would never approve of the liberalism in the United States. The activist courts, the socialism of FDR, the godless secularists, the out of control feminism, the abortions, Cindy Sheehan, the...

Washington: Wow, this country is great.

Republican: Huh?

Washington: The technology, the science, the freedoms of women and black people, labor rights, social security, health standards, environmental protection, separation of church and state, the ACLU, and what is this Hollywood I hear about?

Republican: Uh...but what about all that original intent of the constitution?

Washington: I intended this country to be a progressive country and advance.

Republican: But, but, but, what about the gay marriages and banning of nativity scenes in courthouses and hot coffee lawsuits and...

Washington: Screw that, this rules! Now if you don’t mind, I have to go get Michael Moore’s autograph and then return to the 18th century and...

(CLUNK! Washington gets hit in face with a shovel)

Republican: Take that liberal atheist commie! God bless America! You hate the troops! Bla bla bla!

Washington: Ow, my fake teeth fell out.

Dueling Quotes

I don't like to describe myself as an agnostic or an atheist because I don't care to align myself with the people whose own religion consists of a profound antipathy to everybody else's.

and

However, these very same lawyers will eagerly go to the mat to safeguard a Muslim's right to wear a disguise on her driver's license, a Navajo's right to smoke peyote, and a cultist's right to ritualistically slaughter small animals.

Oh, what hypocrisy! I guess this guy thinks he has the right to judge other people’s religions. Animal sacrifice I think is minimal compared to circumcism. Then the Christians give wine to people under 21 and tell them it’s the blood and body of Christ. And you can’t tell me Jesus, Muhammad, and Moses weren’t doing a little peyote themselves, hmmmm.

Religious Harassment

RUSSELL SPRINGS, Ky. (AP) - A federal judge on Friday blocked a southern Kentucky high school from including prayers in its graduation ceremony, prompting students to begin reciting the Lord's Prayer during the opening remarks.

About 200 students interrupted the principal's comments with the prayer, drawing thunderous applause and a standing ovation from the crowd.

Earlier in the day, a judge banned prayers from the ceremony in response to a lawsuit filed this week by the American Civil Liberties Union. The lawsuit sought a restraining order on behalf of an unidentified student at Russell County High School in Russell Springs, 90 miles south of Louisville.

Later in the ceremony, senior Megan Chapman told the crowd that God had guided her since childhood. She was interrupted repeatedly by cheering as she urged her classmates to trust in God as they go through life.

A sign across the street from the high school at a garden center declared "We believe in prayer" in response to the judge's ruling.

The student mentioned in the lawsuit had appealed to Principal Darren Gossage to drop the prayer from the ceremony, but the principal refused, ACLU attorney Lili Lutgens said.

Lutgens argued that any prayer would be unconstitutional because it would endorse a specific religion and religious views. U.S. District Judge Joseph McKinley granted the temporary restraining order, prohibiting the school district from having even a student representative say a prayer during the ceremony.

A call to Gossage's office was not immediately returned.

Superintendent Scott Pierce said he was pleased with the students' response to the ruling.

"This was a good learning process for them as far as how to handle things that come along in life," Pierce said. "They exhibited what we've tried to accomplish in 12 years of education _ they have the ability to make these compelling decisions on their own."

The U.S. Supreme Court has held that clergy-led prayer in public school graduations and sporting events is prohibited. Lutgens said earlier this week that student-initiated prayer before or after the ceremony would be OK.

I’ve noticed that ACN had turned from a political site into a sort of religion-bashing site. This story kind of angers me. The one student (who is Muslim) gets help from the ACLU to stop Christian prayer at her graduation because it’s unconstitutional (duh). Then the principle starts speaking, and her 200 fellow students start saying the lord’s prayer out of protest. Isn’t that kind of rude to her? I’d like to see her reaction to the back-stabbing. I have nothing wrong with someone expressing their faith (or lack of) when they get up and speak like Megan Chapman did. But when a bunch of the students get up and use their faith for protest, that crosses the line and harasses the student who objected to the prayer.

I went to a private Christian highschool before I became an atheist. It is a private school, no tax payer dollars go to it. The Jewish, atheist, and Pagan students went to chapel along with the Christians. But when a Muslim student objects to a prayer, I believe they should free from someone else’s dogma. Even if 99.9% of the people are one religion, I don’t believe in having that prayer. Then even worse were the people who applauded them. It’s like the days of Stalin, the crowd applaud and applaud until bells tell people to stop; okay not really, but sorta. Then the dumbass superintendent was like, “They exhibited what we've tried to accomplish in 12 years of education _ they have the ability to make these compelling decisions on their own.” I guess in 12 years, they didn’t teach the First Amendment: separation of church and state!

Evolution vs Creationism: the Boxing Match

The evolution boxer has two hands tied behind his back. The Christian who tied them told him to, “evolve another pair of arms, or get beat up and admit you’re wrong”. The creation boxer has two giant gloves named “Genesis” and “Jesus image in a burrito”. The two meet in the ring, but couldn’t shake hands because the evolution boxer has his hands tied behind his back. The creation boxer starts to throw punches, the evolution boxer ducks them. The creation boxer, says, “What are you afraid of, the word of god?” The evolution boxer then rams his “shoulder of fossil data” into the creation boxer’s face. Then he takes his “foot of survival of the fittest” and kicks him in the gut. The crowd calls the evolution boxer a cheater and demand the creation boxer kicks the crap out of his opponent...

Before I go further, this has got to be the stupidest thing I’ve ever written, I’ll have something better later. Sorry to my 3-4 readers.

Patriot vs Patriot

Conservative Patriot: Um, excuse me, why are you burning a flag?

Liberal Patriot: Because I don’t support the war in Iraq.

Conservative Patriot: Well, the troops are over there are fighting for your freedom.

Liberal Patriot: No they’re not. They’re over there for our president, torture, murder, oil, war profiteering, and imperialism.

Conservative Patriot: Well, they are over there fighting for your freedom to say that.

Liberal Patriot: No they are not.

Conservative Patriot: Well, you don’t support the troops.

Liberal Patriot: No, I support them coming home instead of fighting for a lie and getting killed.

Conservative Patriot: Well you are wrong and our troops are fighting over there so you can stand here and not support them. They are fighting for your freedom. Oh and by the way, I think you should be prohibited from burning flags.

Liberal Patriot: Then that wouldn’t prove your point that the troops are fighting for my freedom.

Conservative Patriot: The troops are fighting for your freedom period. You shouldn’t be allowed to dishonor them like that. It’s like you’re desecrating my father’s grave when you burn that flag.

Liberal Patriot: I’m burning a flag, not a swastika!

Conservative Patriot: Where’s my gun?

Hurting the Troops

Republican: The liberals with their criticism of the president are putting our troops in danger!

Troop 1: Ahhhh!!!!! My fucking leg got blown off!!!!!

Troop 2: Oh sorry, I thought Janeane Garofalo called Bush a war criminal. It’s just a flesh wound, go walk it off.

Wonderful World of Being an Agnostic

Religious Zealot: All hail the god of Porpoises! All hail Duducoco! He create the world in four and a half days. He died and came from the dead and when he came back, he told us all to strap bombs to our chest and blow up for 75 virgin gophers. Oh yeah, cut off part of the nose of every baby boy. After screwing every gopher, we get reincarnated as turtles. Ha ha ha! Duducoco bless America!

Atheist: What a wacko!

Agnostic: You shouldn’t be so judgmental.

Atheist: What do you mean? The dude is obviously making it up and is crazy.

Agnostic: Well, how do you know? We have no evidence to prove him wrong, or right.

Atheist: Huh? He obviously made it up, in fact, I saw him last week ranting and his rants were different.

Agnostic: Well, it takes as much faith to believe what he says as it does to not believe.

Atheist: No it doesn’t. Let’s say I make up a religion: a bunch of aliens from a foreign planet come to the Earth after a nuclear explosion and their ghosts infect human bodies and we need to pay thousands of dollars to remove them*. Now I just made up that religion, are you agnostic about that?

Agnostic: I am with out knowledge to prove you right or wrong.

Atheist: I JUST MADE THAT UP!!!!!

Religious Zealot: All hail the giant swamp lizard! He is god!

Agnostic: Cool, another religion to not have an opinion about.

Atheist: (Sigh)

*Scientology

The Emperor has no..."BANG!"

Child: Hey, the emperor has no clothes.

Bush: Shoot the kid!

BANG!

Bush: Heh heh, shows him who are the boss. Hey aint it gettin' a little cold out? Heh heh.

Tiananmen Square?

The military is called out to squash a peaceful protest. The government sends in tanks, a lot of tanks. The tanks are in a straight line and heading toward the protesters. Then a lone man with a grocery bag stands in front of the tanks and blocks their progress. After a little while, the man starts to do something, he starts singing the Star Spangled Banner in Spanish!

Tank Driver: (Into phone) What should I do about this?

President Bush: Run him over! Heh heh. That will teach them not to say the national anthem in espanol. Heh heh, tacos.

Ha-Penis

“Sack” Religious

Christian: Um excuse me sir, what is that?

Ball Worshiper 1: That there is a statue of a giant pair of silver balls in front of the courthouse.

Christian: Well that offends me.

Ball Worshiper 1: Tough cookies mister, this is a ball worshiping nation.

Christian: Excuse me, judge.

Judge: Yes.

Christian: That statue of giant balls is unconstitutional, why don’t you rule against it?

Judge: I can’t, that statue for some reason doesn’t constitute an establishment of religion. Besides, the ACLU has already sued us enough.

Christian: Excuse me sir, don’t you think it’s wrong to force your religious ideas onto the public square?

Ball Worshiper 2: Why are you always trying to remove ball worshiping from this great nation? If you don’t mind, it’s time for worship. Praise the balls!

Ball Worshiper: In balls we trust!

Ball Worshiper 3: One nation under balls!

Christian: Oh god, why is this happening?

Atheist: Now you know how we feel.

Making of Flight 93

Director: Some people say we made this movie too early, others say the facts aren’t right, I say go to hell you unamerican, terrorist loving pot smoking commies. God bless America.

Actor: Hi, I play the hostage who allegedly said “let’s roll”. Even though I probably said “roll it” referring to rolling a snack cart into the cockpit door, we went with “let’s roll”. USA!

Actor: Hi, I play the terrorist hijacker Hay Tahmeriqua Al Towelhead, even though that wasn’t his real name, I don’t care. Cha-ching!

Actor: Hi, I play the hostage named Momanddadcapitalismgodstatueoflibertyapplepie Patriot-Freedom, I was the one who charged the cockpit door open with my super-human strength and tried to crash the plane. But the evil arabs used their evil demonic voodoo against me and was frozen solid. The terrorists sealed the cockpit to prevent anyone else from coming in. Frozen, I then prayed to god for help.

Actor: I play George W Bush and after hearing a voice from god, I stormed out of the elementary school and flew like superman to stop the 3 airplanes, but I was too late. I yelled, “no!!!!!” But then I saw the fourth airplane and decided to act. Me and my sidekick Pat Tillman tried to steer the plane to safety, but no luck. The plane was heading right for the US Capitol where the Republicans in congress where donating blood to disabled children while the commie democrats were worshiping satan. I had to do something, I was playing the “Decider”. So I prayed to god, the true god to crash the plane. The terrorists started praying to Allah, but their false god didn’t act and the plane crashed. It crashed into a field of hemp and killed some anti-war hippies. Three of the hippies looked like John Kerry, Michael Moore, and Cindy Sheehan; they came over to piss on the corpses of every dead soul on board the plane. I defeated them too and sent them to hell with the terrorists. Then I went to New York to pull survivors out of the ground zero wreck with my own teeth. I’m proud to be and American.

Rush Limbaugh: I endorse this movie.

Director: My next movie will be called, “Slavery: was it really that bad?”

Minute Men

Minute Man 1: We are here to keep illegal immigrants off our land.

Minute Man 2: Yeah, they are taking over and reaping our resources.

Minute Man 1: They are changing our language and destroying our culture.

Minute Man 2: They’re even bringing in diseases and committing some terrorist acts against us.

Minute Man 1: We’ve had enough, if we see any more immigrants, we’ll kick them out.

Minute Man 2: Hey, I see some illegals.

Both Men: Get out of here or we’ll kill you!!!!!

Pilgrim 1: Ahhhhh!!!!!

Pilgrim 2: Back to the Mayflower!!!!!

Chicken Hawk Mock Draft

Here’s a mock draft for the NFL. Remember these are people who have never been drafted before:

Houston: George W Bush

New Orleans: Tom Delay

Tennessee: Dennis Hastert

NY Jets: Dick Cheney

Green Bay: Newt Gingrich

San Francisco: Bill O’reilly

Oakland: Trent Lott

Buffalo: Karl Rove

Detroit: John Ashcroft

Arizona: Rush Limbaugh

St. Louis: Clarence Thomas

The rest of the 245 picks will be made up of republicans who didn’t want to go to Vietnam, Iraq, Afghanistan, or Iran. All drafted to the NFL, yeah, the “NFL”.

Myspace.com

TV Announcer: In news today, a child was injured after imitating a stunt from the movie Home Alone...bla bla bla

TV Announcer: In news today, a child cut off his finger after watching Beavis and Butthead...bla bla bla bla

TV Announcer: Is the MTV show Jackass causing kids to...bla bla bla bla bla

TV Announcer: Marilyn Manson...bla bla bla bla bla bla

TV Announcer: Bla bla bla bla bla bla bla bla bla bla

TV Announcer: In other news, a goat escaped from the petting zoo today and injured a kid in a neighboring yard. The goat was shot to death.

TV Announcer: Breaking news, is the website Myspace.com harmful to children...bla bla bla

TV Announcer: In news today, a 43 year old man accidently locked himself in a closet and was forced to cannibalize his siamese twin brother. Murder charges are pending.

War on Moron Religion

I’m reading this headline that says, “Bin Laden Says U.S. Waging War on Islam” and I’m like “where did I hear this before?” Didn’t the Christo-fascists have a conference a while ago called the “War on Christians?” Then my theory comes into play: all religions are the same. All religions need to feel persecuted to achieve their theocratic goals. All religions need to feel attacked when they aren’t really being attacked. Osama and the Muslims are being “attacked” because they support terrorism, fascism, and behead people. Christians are being “attacked” because they are anti-freedom, anti-science, anti-common sense, anti-choice, racist, homophobic, bigoted, fascist, and to a lesser extant support terrorism. Pointing that out doesn’t make me bigoted towards the religions, saying 2+2=4 doesn’t make you bigoted. But why do the two largest religions on Earth claim persecution when they are the ones fucking up the Earth? Everybody likes the underdog, just claim that you are being attacked and people will come to the rescue. I call it the “Persecuted Slave-Master Syndrome.” Every religion has it, especially the radical branch of the religion.

"I’m being persecuted! Oh yeah you can’t have an abortion, or use a condom, or watch porn, or curse in public, or have a gay marriage, or can’t adopt, or can’t eat certain substances, or bla bla bla. Oh by the way, you have to pay extra taxes because our religion doesn’t pay any and have to say ‘under god’ and bla bla bla. But if you make fun of me, than I’m being persecuted."

Happy Earth Day

Today is the day we realize how important the impact of the environment is on ourselves and some anti-environmentalists are trying to ruin that. If it wasn’t for the environmentalists, your drinking water would be dirtier. If it wasn’t for the environmentalists, the Bald Eagle would be extinct. If it wasn’t for the environmentalists, there wouldn’t be any nice open areas to hunt or fish or camp. If it wasn’t for the environmentalists, the air wouldn’t be breathable. If it wasn’t for the environmentalists, The food we eat would be contaminated with pesticides and poisons. If it wasn’t for the environmentalists, global warming would happen at an even faster rate. If it wasn’t for the environmentalists, people would still get sick from lead poisoning. If it wasn’t for the environmentalists, many other endangered species that we see at the zoo wouldn’t exist in the wild. If it wasn’t for the environmentalists, the ozone layer would deplete at a faster rate. If it wasn’t for the environmentalists, certain medicines found in the rainforest would have never been discovered because the trees were cut down. If it wasn’t for the environmentalists, many resources like metal, plastic, glass, and paper would still have to be made from scratch in mass bulk instead of being recycled. And if it wasn’t for the environmentalists, our future children would live in a barren world. So next time you see an environmentalist, instead of calling them a “wacko” or a “tree hugger”, say “thank you”. Because environmentalism is the reason why most of us are still alive and not dead.

Waco Wacko

Meanwhile in Heaven...

God: Happy anniversary David!

Koresh: Thanks God, you sure threw a great party.

God: You are a true believer and 13 years after you burned down your own building and massacred your own followers, you will be rewarded with a huge party.

Koresh: By the way, how do you decide who gets to go to Heaven?

God: I’m God, I pick whoever the fuck I want to pick. I picked you because you are a child molester and I like pedophiles. I didn’t like Hitler because he was just a real prick and I didn’t like Reagan because he is sooooo god-damned retarded. Oh oh, here comes Torquemada with the cake!

Koresh: Party!

Meanwhile in Hell...

Afghani Women: I was accused of adultery and under Sharia Law, they stoned me to death.

Afghani Man: I bled to death after my hand was cut off because I stole bread to feed my family.

Iraqi Man with Children: My house was blown up by an American plane that killed me and my children. My wife lost both her legs and a few months ago was forced at gunpoint to smear some fucking purple ink on her finger to vote for her new oppressors.

Satan: Well sucks to be you, Muslims. You should have converted to Christianity.

Prophet Mohammed: (Looking up) Hey, who is that ascending into Heaven?

Abdul Rahman: So long suckers!

Satan: He was smart and converted to the right version of Christianity, he died in Italy last week from food poisoning. Speaking of which, who wants to eat hot coals for all eternity again? Ha ha!

Reagan: Hey, you in the red suit with horns, I forgot your name again.

TOOL

I hear the new Tool song “Vicarious” today, awesome as fuck. Today is also James Maynard Keenan’s 42nd birthday. Since yesterday was Easter, let me post a fitting song for it, “Eulogy”.

He had alot to say. He had alot of nothing to say. We'll miss him. He had alot to say. He had alot of nothing to say. We'll miss him. We're gonna miss him. So loooooong! We wish you well. You told us how you weren't afraid to die. Well so looooooong. Don't cryyyyy. Or feel too down. Not all martyrs see divinity. But at least you tried. Standing above the crowd he had a voice that was strong and loud. We'll miss him. Ranting and pointing his finger at everything but his heart. We'll miss him. We're gonna miss him. No wayyyyyy to recall what it was that you had said to me, like I care at all. But he was sooo louuud. You sure could yell. You took a stand on every little thing and soooo louuuuuuuuud. You, could be, the one, who saves, me from, my own, existence. Standing above the crowd, he had a voice that was strong and loud and I swallowed his facade cuz I'm so eager to identify with someone above the ground, someone who seemed to feel the same, someone prepared to lead the way, with someone who would die for me. Will you? Will you now? Would you die for me? Don't you fuckin' lie. Don't you step out of line! Don't you fuckin lie. You've claimed all this time that you would die for me. Why then are you so surprised when hear your own eulogy? He had alot to say. He had alot of nothing to say. Come down. Get off your fuckin cross. We need the fuckin space to nail the next fool martyr! To ascend you must die! You must be crucified for your sins and your lies! Goodbyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyye!

Cynthia McKinney

1956

Racist Politician: Black people have to know the names of every one of us congressmen to be able to vote.

2006

Racist Capitol Hill Cop: Damn it, why do I need to know the name and face of every congressperson, this is unfair! Wait, who is that black women trying to enter? Where is my taser, STOP POLICE!

It Worked for Hitler

Average Conservative: I’m worried that the government is too big. The government shouldn’t spy on Americans. We shouldn’t spend all this money on war, bombing Arabs, and torturing them. Maybe we should listen to the lib...

Karl Rove: Jump! Terrorists!

Average Conservative: Ahhh! How high! Spy on Americans! Start wars! Bomb the towel heads! Torture them to death! Liberals? They’re traitors! God bless America! Sieg Heil!!!!!

Karl Rove: Lol. Works every time.

Damn Straight

Ha ha!

Tom Sunday

Jew 1: Hosanna! Here comes Jesus Christ on his donkey...wait a minute that’s not a donkey, that’s an elephant. And that’s not Jesus.

Jew 2: Who is that middle-aged, white man on the elephant?

Delay: I am from the year 2006, I shot and killed that false prophet who you call Jesus. Jesus was a socialist and a liberal. I’m the real son of god.

Pontius Pilate: Who the hell are you?

Delay: I’m congressman Tom Delay from Texas. I came back to the year 33 AD to be crucified in Jesus’s place. I will only do this under only under two circumstances: You change your name to Ronnie Earle and you pretend to crucify me. My buddy Jack Abramoff will bribe you all to tell a different story when the Bible gets written.

Abramoff: Yo.

Delay: Then I will travel back to 2006 and be free from all charges because I’m the son of god.

Pontius Pilate: I wash my hands of you, get the fuck out of my face.

Delay: Come on, crucify me! I’m a Christian persecute me god-damn it.

Jew 3: Hey, who is that?

Delay: Oh shit!

Jesus: This man tried to kill me. He shot me in the side and slit my wrists. I almost bled to death. If it wasn’t for my gay lovers, I mean disciples, I would have died. Now who the fuck are you?

Delay: I’m the son of god you commie.

Jesus: No, I’m the son of god, my dad told me, he talks to me every time I get stoned.

Delay: Oh yeah, bitch, let’s get it on right now.

Jesus: “Turn the other cheek” my ass, your ass is mine!

Delay and Jesus fight for a couple minutes. Jesus gets out his brass knuckles and Delay is almost finished. Abramoff hands Delay a revolver and he shoots Jesus right in the head.

Delay: Yay! Victory is mine! Ha ha ha ha ha...ahhhhh (elephant steps on Delay and squishes him.)

Abramoff: Um goodbye, to the time machine!

Pontius Pilate: Someone clean up this mess.

Peter: This man was a liar, not the son of god, I deny him 3 times!

Judas: I feel suicidal.

Thomas: This didn’t happen, I doubt it.

Matthew: I have an idea.

John: What?

Matthew: Let’s just become atheists, I mean Jesus had good ideas politically, but he was fucking crazy. I mean he was going to get himself killed over his delusions of being the son of god.

James: Nonsense, let’s just pretend Jesus was crucified and rose from the grave. Then we’ll write the Bible and tell that fake story.

Abramoff: (Overhearing) I have a better idea. How would you all like to make some money?

2000 "AD"

Question: Governor Bush, who is your favorite philosopher?

Bush: Heh heh, (snort) me ah fave, fave, favorite phil, phil, philosopher are um ah Jack Off, Jack Abramamamoff.

Death of a Computer Game

Well, I got my computer back from the shop and it works almost as well. My Sim City 4 cities won’t work and freeze up every time I load them. Shit. I guess I won’t play the game anymore. I think I’ll spend my time writing my novel. But this gets me thinking: Isn’t the computer just an evolutionary advancement of people? I mean it thinks, remembers, replies, and can rationalize like people. Not quite like us, but yeah. It can also dysfunction like us and get viruses. When a game freezes up when I load the game, it’s like Terri Schaivo (who died a year ago last Friday), brain dead. When the hard drive dies, it’s like it died but came back to life with a cleared memory. The info on a dead computer doesn’t go to heaven or have an afterlife and I don’t think we do either. It’s hard to understand that for some theists, but use the computer analogy.

Without a Delay

Bush: Waaaaaahhhhh!!!!!

Cheney: What’s the matter?

Bush: Uncle Dick, why do Tom De, de, de, lays potato chip had to go?

Cheney: Because he is cor....um the Democrats made fun of his Christianity. Democrats are the followers of Satan and they hate us Christians because we are moral.

Bush: Heh heh, you say “oral”.

Cheney: “Moral” you retard. Us Republicans are the party of God.

Bush: You mean the party of Rove? Party!

Cheney: No you dildo. GOD!!!!!

Rove: Yes, did someone say my name?

Cheney: Don’t encourage him Karl, we worship God the almighty not you. Besides, I’m God.

Rove: No, I’m God.

Bush: How about y’all both become gods.

Cheney: Shut the fuck up junior.

Bush: Whaaaaaahhhhh!!!!! Why is y’all so mean to each other. Me will poop in my pants if y’all do no agree right now.

Cheney: We better agree right now on who is god, junior’s shit is so bad smelling.

Rove: Yeah, he came up with “Turd Blossom” that way.

Cheney: How about this: we alternate weeks on who gets to be god.

Rove: Good idea.

Delay: Hey hey hey, it’s Tom Delay.

Bush: Yay, Tommy Boy!

Cheney: What the fuck are you doing in the White House?

Delay: I’m living here now.

Rove: Did your wife kick you out of your house?

Delay: No, I’m hiding from being put in jail. I also invited some buddies of mine.

Abramoff: Hi.

Libby: Hi.

Limbaugh: Hi.

Cunningham: Hi.

Bin Laden: Hi.

Ken Lay: Hi.

Delay: Let’s have a party!

Bush: Party!

Cheney: NO! NO PARTIES NO NOTHING! GET OUT OF HERE! GO STAY WITH SANTORUM OR FRIST OR COUNT DRACULA, BUT NOT HERE!

Delay: We aren’t leaving.

Cheney: GO FUCK YOURSELF!!!!!

Rove: What the hell is that smell?

Cheney: Oh shit, Bush heard us disagree.

Bush: Who are making brownies?

Breaking News:

TOM DELAY PWNED!!!!!

Albert Cirrus’s Plan for Illegal Immigration

First off, it’s not “undocumented worker”, not all immigrants work. Second, I support stronger border protection. I’m not a racist, I’m the exact opposite of it. I support better security on the Canadian border too. I don’t support a wall like some of the republican fascists like Tom Tancredo. I think that everyone in the country now should become US citizens, but I think we shouldn’t let anyone else illegally in. I think that our military should be taken out of Iraq and put on the Mexico, Canada, Bahama and Cuba borders. They should be given sensitivity training to avoid any Rodney King beatings. I think it’s unfair that illegal immigration is unfair to people who legally come into the country. I also think the politics/economy in Mexico needs to change. Illegal immigration is hard on our schools, healthcare, and environment and I think liberals need to adopt these things. Plus the republicans are really getting into infightings over this issue. The corporate right (who wants cheap labor) is at war with the racist right (who hate brown people). That’s just my opinion.

Albert Cirrus For President!!!!!

Details later.

What is Indecent?

Censorship is indecent. Fuck it.

A Few Notes Here

1. Today is the 3rd anniversary of the Iraq Quagmire, fuck the war, end it now.

2. Feingold for president. He has more balls than every Democrat combined. Bill Frist called his call for censure “a stunt”. No, you cat killer, Terri Schaivo was a stunt, Feingold is doing the right thing.

3. Tuesday was “pi day”. So let me bring up Ann Coulter again. “Annorexic.”

4. I’ve decided, I’m voting for Bill Nelson. He is a pussy, but I’d rather vote for him for the senate than Katherine Harris.

5. Go Gators!

6. Fuck Bush!

If You Don’t Want to be Called a Nazi, Stop Acting Like One

Jay Bennish, the teacher who called bush a “nazi” was reinstated today. Thank goodness. You know, the nazis persecuted people who disagreed with them, Bennish was just the latest victim of the bush/nazi wannabees. His reinstatement is a victory for common sense, free speech, and America. Maybe the next time these fascists try to fire a patriotic teacher, they better think about their consequences.

Dare not call it “Civil War”

1861

There is no end in sight to the sectarian violence between the northern sects and the southern sects. The southern sects attacked Fort Sumter and the northern sects fought back. Some people call this Civil War, but they are just over exaggerating.

The Day Bush Cried

One day, Julius Caesar sat down and cried that he had not reached the accomplishment level of Alexander the Great at his age by taking over land.

If Bush left office right now, he would weep that he had not killed as many people as his idol Adolph Hitler. I keep calling Bush a “nazi”, but bush is just a Hitler wannabee. Bush will weep that he only murdered 120,000 in Iraq and Afghanistan. His torture chambers will never reach the level of Auschwitz. The fascism at home won’t reach the level of Germany in the 1940's. Bush isn’t only stupid, murderous, and incompetent, but he is a failure compared to Hitler.

Note to congress: Impeach him now before he tries to accomplish more killing.

The War in Iraq is Lost

It’s a sad thing to say that the US has lost a war, but our retarded president fucked it up. Like LBJ and Nixon 35 years ago, the US has lost another war. This time not in lush jungles in Southeast Asia, but in deserts of the Middle east. Same lies, torture, guerrilla tactics by the “enemy”, killings, atrocities, but the lesson is never learned. When will our government realize that war is only a last resort, not a means of world control and religious/corporate profiting. We found no weapons of mass destruction, none. Bush lied, Iraqis died, time to impeach the stupid bast...oh yeah I forgot, our congress is an accessory to the crimes of Bush and Cheney. I say supporting the war in Iraq is treason. Our military is stretched thin, how could we handle a “real” threat? Well, I guess we are shit out of luck. And where are the pussy Democrats who are too scared to do anything? We need more Democrats like Conyers, McKinney, and Kucinich who will stand up to these, these, these, fascist right-wing retards.

Shitler Youth

1939

Father: Mein Fuhrer!

Hilter: Yes, what is it?

Father: My son has something to show you. He was taking notes from his teacher and the teacher said this:

Notes: Adolph Hitler sounds just like Stalin.

Hitler: What?!?

Son: His words were poison to my beautiful Aryan ears.

Hitler: Good work, I will fire the teacher indefinitely...and put him on a train, heh heh.

Father: Sieg heil!

Son: Sieg heil!

Dissent to the Un-P-A-T-R-I-O-T Act:

Russ Feingold, Robert Byrd, Daniel Akaka, Jeff Bingaman, Tom Harkin, Patrick Leahy, Jim Jeffords, Carl Levin, Patty Murray, and Ron Wyden.

Where are Kennedy, Boxer, and Durbin? Breaking my balls man, letting me down.

Case Against Intelligent Design and Evolution

Jerry Falwell, Adolph Hitler, Dick Cheney, Jeffrey Dalmer, Ann Coulter, Napoleon Bonaparte, Genghis Khan, St. Paul, Bill O’reilly, Richard Nixon, Jesse James, Richard Nixon, Mao Zedong, Saddam Hussein, Rick Santorum, Ayn Rand, Torquemada, Leo Strauss, Newt Gingrich, Jefferson Davis, George W Bush, Jim Jones, Bob Jones, Benedict Arnold, Joseph Stalin, Eric Rudolph, the pope, Rush Limbaugh, David Duke, Paul Pot, Emperor Constantine, Joseph Goebbels, Tom Delay, Timothy Mcveigh, George Wallace, King George II, George HW Bush, Benito Mussolini, Muhammad, David Koresh, Pat Robertson, Osama Bin Laden, Joe McCarthy, Ronald Reagan, Bonnie and Clyde etc...

None of these people are intelligent or evolved from the monkeys, so neither theory is right.

Coat Hanger for that Tonsil?

Pierre, South Dakota-The state legislature is out of control, last week, they voted in majority to outlaw...surgery? They’ve come to a moral conclusion that any removal of living tissue from the body is considered murder. Any doctor that performs an “abortion” will be given five years in jail. Cancer tissue? Screw you, go to a neighboring state to remove the tumor. Wisdom tooth? Dentists will be prohibited from pulling it. Exploding appendix? God intended that little vestigial structure to explode, leave it alone or go to hell. Inflamed tonsils? Coat hanger time!

Next week: Outlaw farting, God bless that flatulence!!!!!

Do you know who I hate?

Assholes.

I fucking hate assholes.

I can stand pussies because their fear is understandable.

I can stand dicks because sometimes one has the right to be angry.

I can stand retards because their idiocy is not their fault (most of the time).

Pussies, dicks, and retards pale in comparison to assholes. Assholes not only act like a dick in a retarded way, but they also become pussies when you call them on it. They want you to do things their way, they are total nazis. And then they pretend that the non-assholes are the ones ruining the debate and project their assholeness on the rest of us. They suck and need to shut up. I can stand debate from dicks, retards, and pussies, but not the three headed monster called “the asshole”. Because they are limiting my rights. YOU KNOW WHO YOU ARE!!!!!

-Albert Cirrus

ChappaquidDick Cheney

(Phone Rings)

Bush: Karl, baby turn off the heh heh vibrator.

Rove: That’s the phone dumbass!

Bush: Karl, (sniff) won’t heh heh, you answer that?

Rove: No you get it.

Bush: Okay, (puts on pants) hello.

Cheney: Um, junior, it’s Dick.

Bush: Yay, it are Uncle Dick! What are going on?

Cheney: I ah, hit someone with bird shot.

Bush: Bird shit? You dirty little goose!

Cheney: No bird shot, I was hunting quail.

Bush: Danny Quayle?

Cheney: No, the bird, quail.

Rove: George, where did you put the crackpipe?

Bush: Right next to the heh heh, um nucular fuzball.

Cheney: Who was that?

Bush: Karl. We is shre, shre, shred, da, shredading doc, documents relat, relating to Valium Plame and the heh heh, leak. And a little bit of s-e-c-k-s. Laura are out of town. Did you just say you shot someone?

Cheney: Yes, a lawyer.

Bush: You shot a liar?

Cheney: LAWYER!!!!!

Bush: Liberal trial lawyer?

Cheney: No, a (hiccup) friend.

Bush: Is you drunk, heh heh?

Cheney: I had a little.

Bush: Oooooooh, I are telliiiiiing!

Cheney: You can’t tell anybody shit, or I’ll blackmail you. The U.S. citizens would like to know about your Barney the Dinosaur tattoo on your...

Bush: DICK NO!!!!! Me were young and dumb and me wanted a tattoo, you can’t no tell no nobody no nothing!

Cheney: Fine, wanna hear more?

Bush: Sure, just don’t tattle tale.

Cheney: Anyways, I had two bottles of beer and that’s it. Oh yeah, and some meth. Oh yeah, and we raped and killed some hookers. Then we dug up some corpses from a cemetery and pissed on them. Then we put kittens in the microwave and watched them explode. Then we went hunting. Henry was the only one sober. I thought he called my wife Lynn a whore, so I told him to go fuck himself and shot him. Then the secret service beat him up thinking he shot me. Then they realized what happened. He had wounds all over his face and chest.

Bush: Yeah, violence! (clapping) When did this happen?

Cheney: A minute before I called you.

Bush: Oh, well sober up, Dick. I have to get back to Karl.

Rove: Come here George and I’ll screw you like I screwed McCain.

Bush: Got to go, bye-bye! (turns off phone) Heh heh heh, oh Karl! Heh heh heh heh heh heh......

Whittington: Uhhhh, what happened?

Cheney: Um, Ted Kennedy shot you.

Whittington: What the fuck? (goes unconscious)

Medical Personal: Let’s go to the hospital Mr. Whittington. Wanna come Mr. Vice President?

Cheney: Nah, (hiccup) I’ll just go bird watching. (Stumbling through the woods) Hey little birdie (unzips pants) wanna see the worm?

Quail: (Cooing).

Give Islam a Free Pass?

Secularists like me have been asked the question, “Why do you hate Christianity so much when ‘Islamo-fascists’ are destroying the world?” I say, “I don’t give them a free pass”. Atheism is a rebellion against all religions, not just one or two. All religions are based on imaginary premises. Considering Islam evolved from the and Abrahamic Judaism and Christianity and is monotheistic, it is safe to say all three religions worship the same god, just different interpretations of him/her/it. Islam actually acknowledges Jesus as a prophet. The Koran is filled with chapters supporting murder, war, rape, slavery, homo/xeno-phobia, sexism, and genocide; so is the Bible and Torah. The only difference is that the Christian nations don’t practice most of what the Bible says, unlike the Islamic nations. But the only thing keeping “Christo-fascists” from turning U.S. and Europe back into a Medieval theocracy are secular liberals like me keeping them moral and moderate. The Christian Right actually uses Islam as a “useful idiot” by uniting people against the “great satan” of Islam. Osama does the same thing against the U.S.

But unlike Bin Laden, Bush has killed 30-40 times more Muslims in Iraq than OBL has killed Christians in the U.S. But Bush is killing in the name of “freeeeedoooooom!!!!!”, or not. I hope the world secularizes soon.

History Repeats itself

1955

Rosa Parks: Stay off the buses, we are boycotting them!

White Racist: Our country was founded by white people why should we listen to her? She wants to destroy the moral background this country was founded on. Why doesn’t she just stand up on the bus instead of sitting down? It’s just the way it is.

2006

Michael Newdow: No god in the pledge and currency!

Christian: Our country was founded by Christians, why should we listen to him? He wants to destroy the moral background this country was founded on. Why doesn’t he just be quiet about his atheism? It’s just the way it is.

1963

Martin Luther King Jr.: I have a dream!

White Racist: Why is he standing in front of the Abe Lincoln Memorial and using him for political reasons? He is also opposed to the war, wiretapping, and black suppression. I mean, we need to wiretap the commies. This Martin Luther King punk is a kook!

2006

Carter: President Bush wiretaps people today like Hoover wiretapped King back then.

Republican Pundit: Why is Carter using the memory of Correta and Martin for political reasons? These Democrats are opposed to war, wiretapping, and black suppression in New Orleans. I mean, we need to wiretap the terrorists. These Democrats like Cindy Sheehan who was arrested last week are a bunch of kooks!

2046

Democrat: We are here today to honor the life of Cindy Sheehan, who was arrested forty years ago for expressing her free speech. Today we have President Jenna Bush wiretapping Americans and suppressing free speech...

Republican: Why is he using the memory of Cindy Sheehan for political reasons? I mean, we need to wiretap the Cyborg Penguins from Antarctica, because they are a huge threat to the U.S. KOOK LIBERALS!!!!!

Fun With Censorship

We’ve seen in recent weeks Cindy Sheehan getting kicked out the SOTUA and arrested for wearing a t-shirt that bush didn’t like, Tom Toles getting an angry email from the Pentagon, and a bunch of Muslims threatening Denmark and the rest of the free world for a stupid cartoon. I say to that, fuck censorship, can’t censor shit! Free speech should have little or no censorship to it. I even think there shouldn’t be any laws regarding profanity or porn. Fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck. Fuck fuckity-fuck fuck fuck.

“The nine worse terrifying words in the English language are, ‘I’m from the government and I’m here to help’.”-Ronald Reagan

One of the biggest lies is that republicans hate bigger government. They only want their government, not a helpful government. Think about bush’s wiretaps on normal Americans, what would Ronald Wreckin’ think?

D'oh, D'oh, D'oh, D'oh, D'oh, D'oh, D'oh, D'oh, D'oh, D'oh, D'oh, D'oh, D'oh, D'oh, D'oh, D'oh, D'oh, D'oh, D'oh, D'oh, D'oh, D'oh, D'oh, D'oh, D'oh, D'oh, D'oh, D'oh, D'oh, D'oh, D'oh, D'oh, D'oh, D'oh, D'oh, D'oh, D'oh, D'oh, D'oh, D'oh, D'oh......

God hates Penguins

Human caused global warming is just a myth, the truth is my brother, God is melting the icecaps. Antarctica is melting and all the penguins will die. God created these birds with feathers in his own image, but our intelligent designer didn’t make them fly. Instead, these devil birds just sit around and get fat and gluttonous.

Penguins 666!!!!!

These birds like their freezing cold Antarctica, but wait until they burn in hell forever with Hitler and SpongeBob Squarepants. Thank god for “intelligent warming”. The damned souls of those penguins will drown in the sea and end up in hell. God hates penguins!!!!! Then the sea water will flood the pagan, atheist, gay, abortionist, feminist, and liberal humans on the coast. In the name of Jesus, amen.

Osama is Bush’s Useful Idiot (And Vice Versa)

There’s no going around it, Bush loves Osama Bin Laden. With a low approval rating, a war going badly, slow economy, spying scandal, lobbying scandal, and a State of the Union address coming up, Bush needs his butt-buddy to say some bullshit. But again, we know Bush doesn’t care about OBL:

So I don't know where he is. Nor -- you know, I just don't spend that much time on him really, to be honest with you.-Bush 3/13/02

OBL said he wants us out of Iraq, is that really true? OBL loves us being in Iraq because it creates terrorists. Osama is many things, but not stupid. He knows his useful idiot Bushie boy will do the exact opposite of what he says and stay in Iraq. Then Bush will be able to steal oil, rape, murder, torture, spread Christo/Islamo-fascism, etc. in Iraq and Osama will create more terrorists in to kill our troops in Iraq. Iraquid pro Iraquo. Then later, Bush and Osama will fuck.

I am now more anti-Iraq War now that the two most dangerous men in the world are on the same page.

Bushted!

Bush said he doesn't know Jack Abramoff, liar.

The dude behind him is Jack Abramoff.

Martin Luther King, not George Bush King

How dare does this naziling bush, this fucker, mention Martin Luther King Jr.’s name? Anybody with a right-wing ideology should not in any way be allowed to use the civil rights leader’s name in any way since the conservative ideology leads to racism. We all know that bush is in the party of Limbaugh, Helms, Lott, Duke, Frist, Delay, Thurmond, and Reagan, the GOP, the new party of racism. Before the 60's, the Democrat Party was mostly filled with the racists, but no more. Even Cheney voted against the King holiday while in congress. We all know bush didn’t give a rat’s ass about New Orleans getting fucked by Hurricane Katrina. We know bush appointed Alito, a racist to the Supreme Court. And now I can prove that Limbaugh murdered James Dungy (check my 12/22/05 column). The government spied on war protesters like King during Vietnam, bush is doing that today. Bush wouldn’t think twice about sending someone like King to Abu Ghraib to be tortured to death.

All the MLKs of today are left-of-center: Cindy Sheehan, Michael Moore, Gavin Newsom, Michael Newdow, Russ Feingold, John Conyers, etc.

Justice Sunday 120

It’s the year 2065 and it’s Justice Sunday time again! Since the nuclear explosions caused by religious extremists, the world has become a different place. The Christian fundies blew up the Muslim countries and the Muslim fundies blew up the Christian countries. And for some reason, everybody blew up Israel.

The issues being discussed this year:

1. Head abortions-The radiation from the bombings have caused some to grow more than one head. Some people think they have the right to choose if they want to remove a head, but us Christians say “no”. It’s murder.

2. “Holiday moss”-Since the nuclear winter, trees have become very rare due to the lack of sun, so the trees are left for building material. During the Christmas season, we use moss for decorating instead of trees. Some secularists want to call the moss “holiday moss” instead of “Christmas moss”. This is an attack on our faith.

3. Hermaphrodite marriages-The radiation from the bombings have created a significant number of hermaphrodites. But these people want to marry and God made marriage for one man and one women and these people are technically both. What next? Marrying a cock roach (one of the only other species to survive the blast)? It’s Adam and Eve, not Pat and Chris!

Join us, we are gathering in Africa this time at the world famous Ole’ Pat Robertson Diamond Mine and Bomb Shelter. If we don’t win, the secular liberals will destroy the world.

1. There is no such thing as a compassionate conservative, they’re “dumbassionate conservatives.”
2. The liberal mainstream media is dead, except for a few notable exceptions.
3. The United States of America is not perfect, for that matter, nobody is perfect.
4. George W Bush is the worst president in US history, Reagan is second.
5. Global warming exists and it is caused by people.
6. The war on drugs and other personal freedoms is useless.
7. The Iraq war was about the oil, the imperialism, torture and not freeing Iraq.
8. A separation of church and state benefits both church and state and is the single most important factor of being a free country.
9. Guns are a privilege, not a right.
10. The vast right wing conspiracy exists.
11. Bush knew about the terrorist attacks before 911 and did nothing.
12. Liberals are not commies, conservatives are more closely related to Stalin than liberals.
13. Be skeptical of what the media polls say, even if they benefit your cause.
14. Larger government should be made to help the governed and not hurt the governed.
15. Reagan is the biggest fraud in the history of the world and he did not end the cold war.
16. Homosexuality is not shoved down anyone’s throat, religion is.
17. Being pro-choice is not the same as pro-abortion and abortion is not a pro-life issue.
18. George W Bush is in every aspect an idiot, a retard, and incompetent piece of crap.
19. Environmentalism has nothing to do with government land grabbing or pagan worship.
20. Hillary Clinton never murdered anybody.
21. Supply-side economics never work.
22. It is 100% impossible to tie any part of your brain behind your head without dying, Limbaugh.
23. Tobacco kills.
24. A civilization has never tax-cutted itself into prosperity, Limbaugh.
25. The party of Lincoln, Teddy Roosevelt, and Eisenhower is dead.
26. The timber industry wants the Spotted Owl and other species extinct.
27. Religion is the single biggest problem on Earth.
28. Today’s radical becomes tomorrow’s moderate.
29. President Clinton created the best economy in the history of the US.
30. The P-a-t-r-i-o-t Act isn’t patriotic.
31. Screwing the country is far worse than screwing an intern.
32. Bush cheated to win the 2000 (and maybe 2004) election.
33. Fox News is just a mouth piece of the RNC.
34. Besides being a myth, Jesus was a liberal.
35. Conservative stupidity never takes a day off.
36. Clinton is not the greatest president, FDR was.
37. There is no such thing as an original idea, everyone plagiarizes.
38. Not everybody likes you, but a fan base is good no matter how small it is.
39. Ignore criticism, but at the same time don’t shield yourself from it.
40. A life sentence in prison is more punishing than being executed.
41. Racism still exists in America.
42. Mankind owes everything to liberalism and nothing to conservatism.
43. On the sixth day God created man, on the seventh man returned the favor.
44. The pathway to hell is paved by those trying to get into heaven.
45. There is only one objective reality.
46. Being intolerant towards intolerance doesn’t make you intolerant.

Conservative Idiot(s) of the week

• 7/29-8/4 Donald Rumsfeld
• 8/5-8/11 Joe Lieberman
• 8/12-8/18 George Allen and Mike Gallagher
• 8/19-8/25 Rocky Vaccarella
• 8/26-9/1 George Bush, Donald Rumsfeld, and Katherine Harris
• 9/2-9/8 ABC
• 9/9-9/15 Osama Bin Laden, John Boehner, and Bob Ney
• 9/16-9/22 George Bush and Bill O'reilly
• 9/23-9/29 Republican and Democratic torture supporters
• 9/30-10/6 Mark Foley, Newt Gingrich, and Matt Drudge
• 10/7-10/13 George Bush, Bob Ney, and the Foleyites
• 10/14-10/20 Curt Weldon, Don Sherwood, Rick Santorum, and Sean Hannity
• 10/21-10/27 Rush Limbaugh, Bob Corker, Donald Rumsfeld, and Dick Cheney
• 10/28-11/3 George Bush, John McCain, and Ted Haggard
• 11/4-11/10 Republicans
• 11/11-11/17 Trent Lott and Glenn Beck
• 11/18-11/24 Barbara Bush
• 11/25-12/1 George Bush and Dennis Prager
• 12/2-12/8 John Bolton and James Baker
• 12/9-12/15 David Duke
• 12/16-12/22 George Bush and Virgle Goode
• 12/23-12/29 Saddam Hussein
• Segment of ACN to be discontinued soon

Pro-America/anti-republican Links

Democratic Underground
Bartcop(best Liberal site)
Crooks and Liars
Daily Kos
Hated.com(anti-bush links)
Media Matters
Albert Cirrus Myspace
Raving Atheist
Buzzflash
Anti-Limbaugh
More anti-bush links
Democrats.com
Atrios Blog
Michael Moore
Take Back the Media!
Air America Radio
NOFX video on Bush
Ted Rall
Church of Reality
Theocracy Watch
American Atheists
Bushflash
Evil GOP Bastards
Limbaugh is a nazi