It was the third time tonight. She was on roughly her 25th cigarette for the day also. She couldn't help it. She just kept thinking that she was so pathetic and in a way a little depraved. Nevertheless, every time she drove by his house and saw her car there it was like another dagger was driven through her already ravaged heart. She wasn't sure how much longer she could handle this all. Not being with him had been killing her slowly but surely. It had been six months but it never got easier for her. She regretted ever letting him go. She knew, without a doubt, that it was the worst mistake of her life.

She drove up the street, not really knowing where she would head next. She only knew that she had 2 cigarettes left in her pack and at the rate she was smoking she was going to need another soon. She pulled into Sheetz and slid her car between 2 Ford Taurus's. She couldn't help but laugh at the irony. It was the type of car that she drove.

"Fucking bitch", she muttered under her breath as she stepped out of her car.

She walked into the store and went directly to the counter.

"Can I help you?" she immediately heard from the guy behind the counter, whom everyone called the gimp. He was also considered the world's second coolest person, only beaten by the legendary "Pretzel Dude".

"I need a pack of Camel Lights in a box. On second thought, make that two."

"Got some ID on you?"

She pulled it out thinking how much of a joke that was. It was easier for her to get alcohol than cigarettes. She was never carded at the bars. Yet here, being 22, she was carded for cigarettes. Blew her fucking mind, especially when she came in every single fucking day for cigarettes. You'd think they'd know who she was by now.

"Ok, that's $5.12."

She handed him a five and a quarter and turned around to leave.

"Miss, your change."

"Keep it", she yelled back as she walked out the door.

She got into her car, resisting the urge to key the Taurus, imagining it was that bitch's car. She turned the ignition, lit a cigarette and pressed play on her CD player. Ten seconds later Jimmy Eat World came leaking out of the speakers. She could never figure out why she always listened to this CD. She could relate to it, but it only depressed her. It was what she listened to constantly when they had first broken up. It was also what had been on in her room the night he told her that he couldn't get back together with her and that he had started seeing someone else.

That was the worst night of her life. She spent the rest of the night in her room with no light except from the candle he had gotten her on her birthday. She was just crying and smoking cigarettes, sometimes both at once. The next week was most of the same. She'd sleep with a stuffed doll he got her, look at a picture frame for hours, and write pages upon pages of senseless drivel in her tattered notebook. It had been years since she had written anything. She only wrote when she was depressed and she had been happy for 2 years. Happy because she had him.

She pulled into Wal-mart parking lot. She figured while she was out she might as well pick up some hair dye. Her hair was never the same color for very long. Lately, it had been bleached blonde with her naturally black roots showing. She always liked the contrast she got from that. During most of her time with him, her hair was long and usually a dark red. About a month ago she cut it to shoulder length and bleached it blonde again. She took a little bit of satisfaction from the fact that she knew he would hate it. He always loved her long hair and the fact that it was red.

She got back in her car and decided to head home. She figured there wasn't much else she could do to occupy her mind and her time for the rest of the night. She really didn't have any friends anymore. They all became friends with him. Once they broke up they all seemed to tag along with him, leaving her out in the cold. Funny thing is, even the bitch was one of her friends. She never thought that the bitch would betray her like that. But she did and now she had no choice but to deal with it.

She passed by his house on the way home. Four times in one night. She was already well into a new pack of cigarettes too. Her car was still there, only this time the lights were off. She knew what that meant. With the mere thought, she felt a twinge of nausea come over her. That image just made her sick.

As she was getting over the sick feeling she pulled into her driveway. She got out, finished her cigarette and flicked the butt into the street. She immediately lit another one and sat on the porch, looking up at that sky and the brilliant stars. It was the only thing that could bring a smile to her face. It was fleeting though because she was just reminded of when they used to lie in the park at night, just looking up at the stars. She missed the little things like that so much.

She walked into her house and headed straight to her room, not stopping to say hello to her parents. They didn't know what to do for her. They just knew they hated seeing their only daughter like this. So completely destroyed.

She lay down on her bed and lit another cigarette and then the candle. She started to think about the nights she spent with him. She loved the feeling of having his arms wrapped around her. She always felt safe and secure when she fell asleep in his arms. The best feeling was waking up in his arms. Knowing that he was there with her the entire night. She would just pull him closer and lay with him while he slept. Sometimes she would just watch him. She loved the peaceful look on her face. She also missed the way he made love to her. She was never really sure what it was. She just felt so close to him and loved him so much. She missed a lot. She even missed just having sex. About 3 months ago she had a one night stand. She just wanted to feel loved for one night and just be able to get out and in a way flat out fuck someone. It only made for more problems. She only wanted him more.

She had finished her cigarette and decided that she might as well go to bed. The sooner she was asleep the sooner she would stop thinking about him and this day would be over. She knew she'd just feel all the pain again tomorrow, but even temporary relief was wonderful for her. The heartache was killing her. She just knew she had to get over him. She took off her jeans and bra, while keeping on her shirt and slipping on a pair of shorts. She left the candle burning and curled up with the stuffed animal that he gave her. She spent every night like this.

She could just lie there thinking, not sleeping. She started thinking why she was so obsessed over him. She knew that she needed to just get on with her life and find someone else. She just didn't know how to go about it. She didn't know how to stop caring so much. She knew she needed to start somewhere. She lit a cigarette and started thinking. After she finished it she realized that it didn't matter how or where she started, as long as she started. She got up, threw the stuffed animal in her closet, and blew out the candle.