It is this event which has triggered inside my mind a rebellion of sorts over which I have no control. My emotions and thoughts have become such a tangled mess that they often change course quickly and frequently for seemingly no reason. Essentially I have lost all control over what it is that makes me a human being. In that essence I no longer exist.

I have not become apathetic, nor am I overly depressed and I am far from content or happiness. I am merely stumbling along in a constant state of confusion trying frantically to put the pieces of my life together when in fact I can't find these pieces. Nothing I do seems to feel right or comfortable and nothing seems to bring back that feeling of ecstacy and lust for life itself that I once had in my now shambled life.

I have tried to go about my life in the fashion that I once did but I have no success in these endeavors. While in the company of those I love the most I have found myself hating them and loathing the time which I feel obligated to spend with them. Yet when I am separated from them I wish that I could spend time with them and talk to them. In the recent months I have felt a need to just isolate myself from all humankind and have absolutely no contact with another person in any way. Unfortunately I am well aware of the impossiblity of that, although I did attempt in the only method I knew and I must confess that I wish I would have succeeded.

I would like to say that I feel better after this experience but I only feel wiser. No one can hear my thoughts. No one can understand what is happening to me especially when I am too afraid of them abandoning me to attempt to explain my situation. I simply feel empty and lost and so different. I have even become an outcast in my own mind yet I don't look down upon myself.

I am at a lack of understanding as to how I came to the situation I am presently trapped. I have a girlfriend whom I love and she says she loves me but I am not ever sure if I really believe it although I know it to be true. I have the absolute best group of friends yet I feel so alienated from them. I also have a good, supportive family yet I am the different one which doesn't get along with any of them. I have separated myself from everyone dear to me and I have no reason for my doing so.

I am exhausted physically, mentally and emotionally. I have been drained of all energy. I have wanted nothing but to rest. I am just lost in the point. I have no passion, no drive, and can see nothing in my future worth continuing this life. I have become bored with my own life. I am just stumbling my way through attempting to make the best of it and I am still just lost and confused. Most of all I am empty and bored.

My actions have become minuscule in their affect on people. I have accepted the fact that I am in nature an asshole who has blatent disregard for other people's emotions. I am a lackluster friend as well as a failure as a boyfriend. I have even declined in my role as an older brother which at which one time I was talented. All this has occurred due to the state in which I am presently held. I am a mediocre writer at best with no feasible talents. I can think of numerous ways I have fucked up people's lives. Let's face it I am a complete dick. But this is not a lack of self esteem. I do not hate or loathe myself. I have merely accepted who I am and am just wandering along with that theory.

To all those who have read this I apologize for the boredom you have endured. I would also like to apologize for swallowing a bottle of pills. I'm not really sure what position I have held in any of your lives. Had I succeeded I am sure that you all would have returned to your lives as normal as I would have wished. This is by no means a suicide letter it is just something that I felt the need to write. Call it a release if you will. Whatever it is it is now done. Thank you and goodnight.