Ever since I was 6 years old, I've been in this drama group. We put on a play every year and because I was in it so long, I became really good friends with the director. The assistant director, who also kept the kids busy when they weren't in a scene, was named Micheal, and he was about 10 years older than me.

So, I never really payed attention to him when I was young. He was just there, y'know? Except then, when I was 9 or 10, I don't remember how or when or under what circumstances, I realized that I was in love with him. In retrospect, I don't know if it was really love, but whatever it was, it's the strongest feeling I've ever had for another human being in my life.

It probably was only a crush, because I did a lot of those "crush" type things. Feeling I was constantly embarassing myself, never knowing what to say to him, running to the mirror to primp if I thought I might even possibly run into him...However, if that's a crush, then, in my entire life, I have had 1 crush.

The year I was 12, was the last year I was in that drama group. I was still madly in crush/love/whatever, with Micheal, and despite the fact that practically every girl in the group ran up to hug him when he walked in the room, and sat on his lap and all, I always avoided him. Not only was I nervous and a complete coward, but also, I just didn't feel it was appropriate to act on my feelings 'cause he was so much older than I was.

However, after the group put on it's play at the end of the year, as usual, I was running around hugging EVERYBODY, because I had all the pent up energy and adrenaline from being on stage to get rid of. Actually, the entire cast was running around hugging everybody, it's sort of a tradition. So, hiding behind that mask of appropriateness, and although it meant a lot more to me than I made it seem (I hope), I hugged Micheal for all of 2 seconds. And he kissed me. It only lasted for one second, and it was only on my head, but he was about 6'3 and I'm only 5'4, he couldn't reach anything else.

After that night, during the whole summer and about 6 months after that, my thoughts alternated between: Why the hell would he kiss me? What did that kiss mean? Did he really kiss me or did I just imagine it? Am I ever going to see him again? And other things along those lines. I thought of every single other time he'd ever touched me in any kind of way and tried to read things into it. I could only come up with a grand total of 3 things I could put any significance in to:

#1, he put his arm around me once, when I was sitting on a bench next to him. I stood up and moved away. #2: On the opening night of one play, I was standing in the wings just before going onstage, and I was, obviously, tense and he started to give me a massage. I whispered "ow" and shook him off. #3: As I said, I was close to the director, his cousin, and one time, she invited me over to help her make the sets for a play. She invited her cousin over too, and his girlfriend at the time. Micheal had just come from his job, or something, and he was wearing really dressy pants, and, well, we were going to be painting the sets and he had to change his pants to crummy ones and he just stripped right down to his boxers in front of all three of us. It was weird.

I don't think I really can read anything into those, the first two were probably just friendly things and I moved away 'cause I was so nervous and mentally uncomfortably, not physically uncomfortable (i.e. the massage obviously didn't really hurt). I regret that. And the third one, he probably didn't consider that I'd interpret it in any kind of sexual way, 'cause I was only about 10.

But I never did see him again, and after about 6 months, I was pretty much over him. The last time I saw him was June 9th, 1998.

At least, if I had been writing this letter yesterday, that would have been correct. But today, I went to see "Dinosaur" with my mom and her friend. So, we went into the mall, and walked through the foodcourt, and I was sort of straining my neck to see if I could find anybody I knew, because a lot of people I know hang out at that mall. And I saw Micheal...He didn't see me. I wanted to stop and stare, and I almost did, but I didn't want him to see me, 'cause frankly, I'm not very proud of my looks, and besides, my mom just kept walking on, so I had to also, even though I had such a strong wish to turn around and run back. I couldn't pay attention to the movie, I couldn't think of anything but him. I must have started crying about 6 times during the movie, but I was sitting in the back of the theater and my mom and her friend were sitting in the front, so obviously they couldn't see.

I just feel so....I don't know what I feel...Sad, I think, but I don't know why. Sad because I couldn't find the courage to talk to him? Sad because nothing ever happened between us? Sad because he's so much older? Sad because I got over him? I don't know....I just have to tell someone this, and it's too late at night to call my best friend and get instant feedback so......Besdies...my friend doesn't even know about that guy. I'm too shy to tell her, because I'm always lecturing her every time she tells me she has a crush on an older guy about how innapropriate it is. I'm such a damn hypocrite.