*9/14* What the hell is wrong with me. I am trying so hard to be happy but I can't. I've lost my appetite, and the littlest things are getting under my skin. I try to be strong but I loose like all the time so why even bother. I try to distract myself but i normally can't. Like today I went to the science room instead of lunch, and it was a huge distraction, but what if she wouldn't have been there ya know. And I'm so damn busy between school, work, and xc I have time to do absolutely nothing, and I just wanna cut soooo bad...but I'm not going to today.
*9/19* I am so tired of fighting. I really am. I normally loose anyway, so what if I just decide to stop fighting, I really don't think I'm ready to stop. Considering I've been having problems making it through day by day, I should really just stop trying. I hate this feeling. I'm just mad and depressed and I hate this feeling so so so much.
*10/3* Well, I'm really confused right now. I have no one really to talk to and I dunno. This Saturday will be 2 weeks no SI...woohoo go me. But i just kinda don't know if I'm ready. I know I can't do this by myself, i really can't. But me getting help takes me opening up and talking and I really dont want to. I'll figure something out?
*10/4* What the heck? I've been trying so hard to get rid of my "tools" but I cant. I threw them out the window a few nights ago, but than I went out and picked them all up, I've tried to throw the out numerous times. I even tried to throw them in the pond at the park. I just can't do it. It's like a security blanket or something. They have been there to make me feel better when nothing (or no one)else could. They've always been there ya...strange i know. But I did talk to someone who said that maybe Monday we could get rid of them together. I mean it would be a lot harder to not throw them out, and wouldnt have to worry about getting mad at myself for not being able to, and then go use them or anything ya know. I dunno, This is so super hard.
*10/22* Tommorow is Ashley Day, or I month no SI. It's been so hard to get this far. Two weeks ago I had this horrible panic attack after an XC meet, and well I almost blew in completely, but just as I was about to crack, I found Robin :) who really supported me. I asked her not to leave, and she didn't. She took me out to dinner and stuff, and gave me a whole bunch of support. In return, I gave her my "tools". So now, she has my life in a bag under the seat of her car. (I asked her not to through them away). I'm really hanging on...and I'm going to make it until tommorow.
*10/24* So last nite was super hard for me...I used up everything I had in me to fight the masssively huge urges I had last night. I got one hour of sleep, and my body is going through like massive hell right now. I don't understand this at all. By being strong, I end up weak and tired and helpless. Seriously, if anything happens today, I really won't have the strength to beat the urges. I really hatet this. So here I am in the science room, becuase I can't go to lunch becuase I'm too sick and tired to eat, and I don't want anything to trigger me in the cafeteria. I'm seriosly just ready to pass out of tiredness.
*11/3* Oh my gosh, I am so stressed out. Cutting is what I do to releave stress, so if I don't cut, it just builds up and builds up. Then, you get so tired you can barely walk, even though you've been sleeping for like an extra hour. So why am I so stressed out? School, parents, friends, work, and cross country...yes even XC has me worked up. So what happens when running instead of making you feel better, makes you feel worse? I just feel like my life is flying away in a bizillion different directions and I just can't get it back together. I know that if I cut today I'll feel a bizillion times better, but tommorow or the next day I'll be mad at myself for doing it, so I'm going to try my hardest not to. Plus, Robin asked me today about my streak, and it felt good to tell her I was still on it...but if i ever break it, and she asks, I'm gonna have to tell her because I can't lie to her, she'd know first off, and lieing to her is like lieing to myself. So I can't cut. I dunno, I'm trying my hardest to stay safe.
*11/14* I am so sorry to all of you and to myself. I blew it...7 weeks 3 days down the drain. Why? Because I just couldn't take it anymore. I felt really small and worthless and sometimes trying your best even if it kills you just isn't enough...and then you find out that your so called friends are talking about you and are massive hipocrits...god. But it's not bad...didn't even bleed...but I am so mad at myself. I just wanna cut myself again for cutting myself and being weak...God...I was doing so good. Why can't everyone just leave me alone and be happy for me, and why couldn't people just wake up and realize that I'm not perfect and what I've done for them, and I have just about given up my life for them for the past 3 months, putting them on the top of my priority list, and than it just blows up in my face...ahhhhhhh...I want to cut again so bad...and then there's my parents...I just hate them so much... I just can't take this crap anymore...For now on I'm just living for me and no one else, I don't care what anyone else thinks, I'm gonna wear short sleeves tommorow because I don't care what other people think. This just makes me so mad...and I'm so sorry for this vent of mixed emotions I just needed to let it all out.
*12/19* For no reason at all, I've just been really depressed lately. I've been getting these massively bad stomach pains again...Last time the doctor said it was something or other caused by stress, mostly likely XC stress. But I don't have anything to be stressed out about except maybe XMAS break. I don't handle vacations very well. Last spring break, and summer break, I was like a freaken psyco. I try to keep myself busy and out of the house but sometimes that doesn't seem to work. I dunno...I'm just in a slum.
*1/4/01* Happy New Year everyone. Well, hmmm...I have cut since last time we chatted...the 28th. But I have also been extremely happy lately. I recomend St. John's Wart to everybody. However, next week will be hell for me. My one year anniversary of cutting, my 2 year anniversary of Sandy's death...and I'm really not sure how the heck I'm going to handle this. I will try my hardest to keep my head and hopes up. Love, Butterfly kisses, and angeldust to all of you.
*1/29* Well, I havent been doing to well. I got through that bad week...the Sandy/SI year week. I had a panic attack, but got through it with a wonderful friend and chocolate milk. But last week and the week befor was midterm. I spent all my time studying, I'd start not focusing...and I'd cut. I'd study more, I knew everything, some how I still got C's and even a D on my math, and I got so mad at myself I cut. I've been freaken crazy. My brother and sister were fighting...I cut. My mom yelled...I cut. I'm falling back into my old ways and I dont want to. But I dunno.
*2/27* Okay well I just tryed to updat...and well I'm not to good and this webpage making stuff...but ya can't blame me for trying right. Anyway. I've been doing okay I guess. I have my ups and downs but what can ya expect.