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Hey! My name is...Well let’s say my name is Jake. This is my story about how I became the leader of a place called Hell. Once I lived on earth just like you, amazing huh? Anyway I was a farmer and one year there was a drought (Which means no rain fell). So all my crops dried up and died and I became a poor man. I was able to ,live a somewhat mediocre lifestyle by selling most of my belongings for money or grain. But after a few months I had nothing but a few personal items and a cow. Then came the day where I had to sell my cow. As I was walking to the market a priest stopped me and said "If you sacrifice your cow to god you will become a rich and happy man, you will also get a bag of magic seed from me as well". So I figured "hmmm, not a bad trade" So I gave the cow to the priest who sacrificed it and in return I got a bag of "magic" seeds. When I returned home I planted the seeds and waited, but nothing happened. I waited a few weeks and still nothing happened. Now I was really poor and hungry. I went to the market and sold everything else I owned except my land, the clothes I was wearing, and my almost worn out sandals. I was pretty mad at that priest and at god for not paying their end of the deal. But the next day when I opened the door to my hut I noticed that the seeds had grown into a huge stalk of some kind that reached the clouds far above. Since I was so poor and had nothing better to do I climbed the stalk all the way to the top. When I got there all I saw was a big chair and a guy sitting in it who looked alt like Snoop Dogg.
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This man stood up and said "I am the LORD and God, Thank you for sacrificing your last cow to me, once you return to your farm your crops will grow and you will become a rich and happy man". Well since I was a sucker I climbed back down after thanking God. When I arrived at the bottom there was a man waiting for me, he introduced himself as Jesus, Gods son. He then spoke to me saying "Ye who shalt complete thee following deed shalt become rich and happy". Well I told him I was ready and willing to do whatever it took to get some food. "Take water from yonder well and pour it upon your head, then dance around like a chicken" Jesus said. With nothing to lose I thought "what the hell, why not, It is hot out after all" So off I went to the well, pulling out a bucket of water I poured it on my head and then danced around like a chicken. When I was all dried off I returned home to find God and Jesus rolling around on the ground clutching their bellies, laughing at me talking something about how funny it was to play tricks on a poor human. Well of course I got mad but was able to hold back my anger and I laughed along with them instead.
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The next day Jesus approached me again, he apologized saying something about how bored him and God got, blah blah blah. Then he said "This time your task is to take a neighbors sheep, shear it, glue the wool onto you and pretend you’re a sheep". So like a dumbass, along I went catching one of the neighbors sheep, shearing it, and glueing the wool onto myself, Then I acted like a sheep, crawling around. Well the owner of the sheep caught me and beat me then he threw me into a pile of sheep shit. Covered in crap I walked home to find guess who... Yep, God and Jesus laughing away at me again. Well that was it this time I walked up to Jesus and told him to cut his hippie hair then I punched him... POW!.. right in the nose, fuckin bastard having fun at my expense. As Jesus lay on the floor clutching his bleeding nose I went after God. Since he was stunned by my reaction on his son I got a good shot, kicking him right in the Holy Jewels. As he keeled over onto the floor Thunder rolled across the earth, Volcanoes erupted, there was a solar eclipse and Saturn all of a sudden got rings. Well after that they were kinda pissed off at me and tried to smite me, but I was able to dodge the lightning bolts and told them that it was all a big joke. Then they sent me here "Shut-up Hitler I’m trying to tell the people a story" Sorry about that... So yeah it’s not so bad down here you know, I mean it’s always hot and liquor stores are always open and everything is legal. Hope to see you soon. -Satan- I mean Jake!
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