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associates: Spirit Sentient ::  reverb and echoes :: frozen pale

icq: 122153002 :: e-mail: fragmastre@hotmail.com

 

..::life::..

          
{03.29.2011}

Born to buy into something... Born to kill.


..::1:37am. Not even close to tired yet. So yeah, Christie must have had something come up, she didn't end up coming by. Not to say I'm surprised, but I was looking forward to it for sure. Another time perhaps.

I've felt super relaxed over the past day or two. Can't explain why, no change in routine, no change in diet. I seem to be getting better then usual sleep, more energy during the day, and I feel utterly void of stress. If only this calm could stay forever. I have a feeling it's the calm before a storm. Usually is. But I'll stay optimistic. Could be a start of great things to come. Always find I make better decisions with a calm mind.

I went over Sandra's blog, found she hates guys that say they are different then other guys. Can totally agree with that. Cliche lines are taboo these days. Occasionally they will work just on the pity and comedy aspect of things, but personally... I think they are lame. Unless it's something like "Were your parents retarded? Cause you're so special." That one always makes me laugh. Mind you it's yet to work... Most girls get offended.

I kinda think the world is becoming more and more bandwagon. It seems whatever the flavour of the month is, is what society flocks to. No more rebellious behaviour. Well, at least not as much. Music has completely lost it's originality, it's all recycled garbage with computerized singers. Who needs talent these days? All you need is looks, ambition, and a dog eat dog attitude to get through this world.

This is the third time in a row I've listened to this song. Something about it is igniting an emotion in me, can't put my finger on what it is. Song is Matthew Good - Born to Kill. I've always liked Matt Good. He's got a great voice and his music can go from relaxing and calming, to energizing and exciting. Also another plus, he's Canadian. Extra brownie points for that. I can still remember walking around the prominade with my walkman and his Beautiful Midnight CD, listening to these songs. Ah, the good old days when I had absolutely no responsibility.

Getting older sucks more and more each year. Seems like my body says fuck you a little more each year. Each year seems to be going by faster. The stupid angioedema seems to be getting worse every year. Mind you, that will hopefully be fixed after I see my immunologist in May. This blood disorder is getting super duper annoying these days. I'm just glad it seems to be intent on swelling my hands more then anywhere else, the intestines and larynx suck the most. It's always a great thing to have in your mind that you can go to sleep at any given time and not wake up one day. Honestly, it scares me. Made me paranoid with my body. Also taught me about my body, I know when there is something wrong and what part of my body it's wrong with very fast. I'm pretty good at self diagnosis, due to doctors telling me everything my disorder WASN'T. Hopefully good news in May, don't want to have to resort to steroids, but if that's the safest option, then oh well. Always wanted to put on more weight anyway, maybe with that, I finally can.

1:55am. Should probably go to sleep, or at least try to. Gotta wake up around 6:00am to watch the dog, as she has just had her surgery, getting fixed.

{03.27.2011}

Good times ahead.


..::Man, did I sleep well. Refreshed, I feel *Said in Yoda voice*. Start of a hopefully good day as well, Christie should be heading over today. It's kinda bitter outside, but at least it's sunny. Haven't seen her in forever. Missed her. Will be good to see her again. Why are you typing sentence by sentence. Period. Maybe, because Dave's high. Good reason. Creative nonsense spouts every time I get near a keyboard and am stoned. I enjoy it for some weird reason. It's fun. Plus I come back to this at some point later on, read it, and laugh my ass off. Win-win. Yup, always had fun writing my thoughts as they come. I don't have any clue what to do today. Catching up is a must, but other then that, what fun activity can we do...*Ponders*... K so being stoned isn't good for everything apparently. Sue me. At least I have control of myself unlike when I drink *Evil laughter commences*. And now I completely lost my train of thought. It's 11am. Well 10:57am. Tron was a good and bad movie at the same time. Bad because the plot sucked balls. The acting sucked balls. Good because if I was on mushrooms and watched that, WOOOO! BRIGHT LIGHTS. Top 3 Mushroom movies in order: Number One - Speed Racer I don't remember anything about that movie but vivid awesome moving lights. Number Two - Tron for reasons stated earlier. Number Three - Avatar Again the awesome special effects. After that is pretty much any of the newer Star Wars movies, I mean common, light sabers and lasers. Totally got off topic there. Maaaaybe I should do mushrooms with Christie, that's a fun activity! Hahaha. Nope. Would have to go pretty far to get them. >.<

Well I'm going to go shower and wake up and brush my teeth and have a tea and come back here to see if Christie is awake yet. Doubtful. If not, time to smoke a joint and shoot some zombies in the FACE!

{03.27.2011}

Tireless nights.


..::Another tireless night, another tired day. Life goes on. Honestly, I'm happy tonight. I can go to bed peacefully. Not cause I got high, not cause there's a warm body beside me, but because I feel peaceful. The cause? The current song I'm listening to and the previous conversation before this was written. Something about this person calms my insides. It's a strange feeling. It's like they have a special "Chi" if you want to call it that. Their ying calms my yang if you know what I'm saying. Ok that was a horrible joke, and play on words. Maybe I am tired. Anywho, the conversation was slightly confusing, and didn't end very well as far as I can tell, but hey, I ended up calmer and more relaxed for some reason. Why am I speaking in code? Who knows. The first conversation was with Pat, which is always exhausting. Having a gay guy that has the hots for you as a friend is exhausting in itself. But Pat is a good guy, he knows respect, he knows my sense of humour and my limits. He's a lot like me in a lot of ways, minus the gay part, although he's tried to convince me it's a good lifestyle... Yeah, I'd be disowned so fast, haha. I miss good friends like him. People who genuinely care about your well being. Too bad he had to live in Ontario's asshole.
Second conversation was with Sandra. That was the one that made me calm for some reason. Like I said previously, it didn't end the best as far as I could tell, I mean it wasn't a bad conversation. No one was insulting anyone, or in any discomfort. Just wasn't the way I had intended it to go originally. Seems as if she's feeling pressured for some reason, and if I tried to put myself in her position I can see how what I said can merit silence. Honestly, after what I did to her, I'm just glad she speaks to me still. Glad I didn't lose a friend. Last thing I want is for her to think I'm coming on to her. Because if I was going to do that, I would just be up front and honest about it. Yes, I am totally interested in her, I always have been. But I also respect her. Which is rare for a girl these days. Outside of my family there is maybe 3 girls I respect. Anyway, I don't want to apply any pressure to her, non-intentional or not. So I need to back off with all the honesty about my feelings and what's on my mind. I'll just keep it to myself or write it down here for now. She's complex. I can't figure her out yet. Which is a complete first. She's challenging without trying to be or knowing she is. The strangest thing is. For some odd reason, I've always felt like I could trust her with anything. I mean we went on one "date" if you want to call it that, a long time ago, and I told her something I've only told maybe 2 other people.

On a different note. This song is extremely relaxing. Modestep - Exile. Thank god for the internet and people being able to share everything they like. Actually I think this song could suit many moods. It could be great for anger as well. Or for creativity. Useful song. Onto my sleep playlist you go my friend. Night.

{03.24.2011}

Here we go again...


..::Mhmm. H'ok. So lately. Too many things going on in my brain. If I don't turn music on or fall asleep to a movie or tv show, I don't sleep. Smoking a joint always helps these things, but only to a certain extent, it just calms my brain and allows me to think of one specific thing rather then two thousand at once. It's not even one specific topic either, like girls, or games, or money, or sex, or food. Just random things, one night it can be about a friend or a girl I like, another it can be about philosophies, another it can be about jedi's, who knows. All I know is, my brain has always been hyperactive, just lately it's been in overdrive mode, I feel more stressed, more anxious, more bored. Always bored. I realized lately. I'm always the one calling my so-called friends, none of them ever stride out to contact me. Actually, other then my family, there is pretty much no one that seems to want to contact me, or if it's not want, then I'm just not in their mind enough for it to be an option for them. Which is understandable with a lot of people. Now, I'm not self pitying or self loathing or anything like that. I'm perfectly content with the way things are. Just bored. Bored of life, bored of crappy jobs, bored of being single, bored of getting older and getting nowhere. Now as cocky as this may sound, I KNOW I'm intelligent. I know what lies in me, and what my potential is. What I don't know... Is how to use it. In the past, it's always taken a women or a very bad event to get me to be motivated. That's a trend I can't keep up, especially with this health problem. I just can't seem to find anything to be interested in. I mean other then women...

God I need a girl... Not that I'm lonely, I just miss the companionship. I miss having a warm body beside me at night and someone to have my arm around. Come to think of it. The majority of my dreams are about that exact thing. When I sleep... I dream about sleeping (not having sex with) with certain women. Those "certain women" being those who I can see myself with. Funny thing is. Olivia is not one of them. After all these years I always thought I would be attached to her forever. You know what? It probably would have been true if she hadn't changed so much. I liked the innocent, shyer, clumsy, little nerd girl I dated way back when I met her. But hey, as long as she's happy right. I seem to always go for the same types of girls... All these party girls. Now that may be because they tend to be younger then me, and in their prime partying age, but at the same time, I know girls that are 18-19 that are like me in the aspect where it just doesn't do anything special for them, and that's what I need to find. I don't mind going out and having fun every now and then, but I can't be going to bars and clubs every weekend and drinking anymore. Actually I pretty much quit drinking. My body doesn't seem to handle it as well as it used to.
I do know, however, that because of all of my dating experiences, I know exactly what I want in a girl. I know exactly what type I want, and exactly how to treat her. I find it funny how, when I started dating, I was an asshole. I didn't have respect for women, they were just sex to me. There was no companionship aspect of it for me. Then I dated Olivia and that was the first time I actually mourned a lost relationship, I actually missed the companionship, the friendship, the closeness and trust. From that point on I just learned more and more about respect, and how to treat women, how they SHOULD be treated, how they want to be treated. Until it got to the last one, Chelsea. Where it was the complete reversal of roles. She treated me like I treated Olivia. Like I was happy she was there, but at the same time it didn't matter if she wasn't. And that's not a nice feeling. Trust me. Out of all my relationships, I can easily say the last two, I didn't do anything wrong. I treated them both with utter respect, trusted them no matter what, was always communicating to them calmly how I felt, if something was bothering me, I told them, I doted upon them with what little I had (I dislike how the majority of today's women have become very materialistic), I made them laugh when they were down, and made them feel safe and comfortable when they weren't. I completely supported them, and got screwed over in return. Funny how the tables seem to always turn around. One of these days, I'll find an interesting, genuinely honest, funny, clumsy, loyal, faithful, beautiful girl, and I'll finally get to treat a girl like she deserves, like the goddess she is.
Honestly to me it seems like I'm running out of time though. 25 got here damn fast. I mean I want a family, would love to have one, right now that's not looking like it's in the cards for me. I got a few more years to get financially set, have a good job and find an amazing woman to be with. HARD WORK. But nothing comes easy in life and I'll work my ass off to get what I need.

I tried getting into contact with people from my past today. I called Donald after he gave away my dog, and settled things between us. I can't lose a good friend over something so trivial when I really don't have many friends to spare. I have maybe four people I would call my actual friends. Two of which live in the U.S.A. The other two live quite a ways away and I rarely see them, maybe a few times a year. So, once again, I am BORED. I try to meet new people all the time, I'm always respectful to everyone and polite, and people always seem to like me. It's just I don't seem to like them. I can't seem to find an intelligent person to talk to and hold a conversation with. At least not outside my own family. There are a few others, like Sandra, who I enjoy talking to a lot, but just don't talk to very frequently. Although, I apologize, I worded that wrong, It's not that I don't like them, I just can't see myself being friends with them. I guess I'm picky as hell with the people I keep around me. Hard to trust people these days. The funny thing is though, with all the ways there are to keep in touch these days... It should be easy. Weird. At least it kinda shows me who my real friends are. Which people are actually thinking about me on a semi-regular basis. Which don't think of me or care for me at all. I always liked the saying "Keep your friends close, but your enemies closer". Seems like good advice.

Anyway I'm tired. I'll leave you (meaning myself), with the awesome lyrics of Rush:
The sleep is still in my eyes, the dream is still in my head. I heave a sigh and sadly smile and lie a while in bed. I wish that it may come to pass, not fade like all my dreams. Just think of what my life might be, in a world like I have seen. My spirits are low in the depths of despair, my lifeblood spills over.