Ahh! Finally Kyles thrid set of jokes are here so come back often to see the new ones! Lets get to it:
TOP TEN SIGNS YOU HIRED THE WRONG KID TO MOW YOUR LAWN
10.He shows up with a pair of nail clippers and a Ziploc bag 9. On the side of his mower you notice the stenciled silhouettes of thirteen cats 8. Stops frequently to nap inside the grass-catcher 7. Always trying to impress you by stopping the mower blades with his head 6. You notice him shoving the last of his clothes into the mulcher 5. He's fascinated by the details of you home security system 4. Stops every couple of minutes to smoke some clippings 3. Somehow manages to mow the hood ornament off your Lexus 2. Turns a goat loose and says he'll be back in three weeks 1. No toes
Airconditon
A customer was continually bothering the waiter in a restaurant. First, he asked that the air conditioning be turned up because he was too cold, then he asked that it be turned down because he was too hot, and so it went for about a half an hour. Surprisingly, the waiter was very patient. He walked back and forth and never once got angry. Finally, a second customer asked the waiter why he didn't throw out the pest. "Oh, I don't care," said the waiter with a smile. "We don't even have an air conditioner."
Thigns
In the men's room at work, the boss placed a sign directly above the sink. It had a single word on it: "Think!" The next day, when he went to the men's room, he looked at the sign, and right below it, immediately above the soap dispenser, someone had carefully lettered another sign which read, "Thoap!"
Got a Driver
Two bowling teams charter a double-decker bus; they're going to Atlantic City for the weekend. One team is in the bottom of the bus, and the other team is in the top of the bus. The team down below is whooping it up when one of them realizes he doesn't hear anything from the top. He walks up the stairs, and here are all the guys from the second team clutching the seats in front of them with white knuckles, scared to death. He says, "What the heck's goin' on? We're down here havin' a grand old time." One of the guys from the second team says, "Yeah, but you guys've got a *driver*."
Ring
A telephone rang, and someone picked it up. A voice from the other side said, "Is your number 444 444 44?" "Yes," came the reply. "Could you call 911? My finger is stuck on the phone."
Golf Ball
These two guys were approaching the first tee. The first guy goes into his golf bag to get a ball and says to his friend, "Hey, why don't you try this ball?" He draws a green golf ball out of his bag. "You can't lose it." His friend replies, "What do you mean you can't lose it?!" The first man replies, "I'm serious, you can't lose it. If you hit it into the woods, it makes a beeping sound, if you hit it into the water it produces bubbles, and if you hit it on the fairway, smoke comes up in order for you to find it." Obviously, his friend doesn't believe him, but he shows him all the possibilities until he is convinced. The friend says, "Wow! That's incredible! Where did you get that ball?!" The man replies, "I found it."
Talking Frog
A guy is taking a walk and sees a frog on the side of the road. As he comes closer, the frog starts to talk. "Kiss me and I will turn into a princess." The guy picks the frog up and puts it in his pocket. The frog starts shouting, "Hey! Didn't you hear me? I'm a Princess. Just kiss me and I will be yours." The guy takes the frog out of his pocket and smiles at it and puts it back. The frog is really frustrated. "I don't get it. Why won't you kiss me? I will turn into a beautiful princess and do anything you ask." The guy says, "Look, I'm a computer geek. I don't have time for girls. But a talking frog is cool.!"
Prison
Three guys are convicted of a very serious crime, and they're all sentenced to twenty years in solitary confinement. They're each allowed one thing to bring into the cell with them. The first guy asks for a big stack of books. The second guy asks for his wife. And the third guy asks for two hundred cartons of cigarettes. At the end of the twenty years, they open up the first guy's cell. He comes out and says, "I studied so hard. I'm so bright now, I could be a lawyer. It was terrific." They open up the second guy's door. He comes out with his wife, and they've got five new kids. He says. "It was the greatest thing of my life. My wife and I have never been so close. I have a beautiuful new family. I love it." They open up the third guy's door, and he's slapping at his pockets, going "Anybody got a match?"
I am a dog
A man walked into the office of the well known psychiatrist Dr. Von Bernuth, and sat down to explain his problem. "Doctor, doctor!" he started. "No need to repeat yourself, my good man," replied the doctor. "One 'doctor' is enough." "Yes, well, you see, I've got this problem," the man continued. "I keep hallucinating that I'm a dog. A large, white, hairy Pyrenees mountain dog. It's crazy. I don't know what to do!" "A common canine complex," said the doctor soothingly. "Come over here and lie down on the couch." "Oh no, Doctor. I'm not allowed up on the furniture."
Computer-Illiterates
The following is an excerpt from the Wall Street Journal by Jim Carlton. 1. Compaq is considering changing the command "Press Any Key" to "Press Return Key" because of the flood of calls asking where the "Any" key is. 2. AST technical support had a caller complaining that her mouse was hard to control with the dust cover on. The cover turned out to be the plastic bag the mouse was packaged in. 3. Another Compaq technician received a call from a man complaining that the system wouldn't read word processing files from his old diskettes. After trouble- shooting for magnets and heat failed to diagnose the problem, it was found that the customer labeled the diskettes then rolled them into the typewriter to type the labels. 4. Another AST customer was asked to send a copy of her defective diskettes. A few days later a letter arrived from the customer along with Xeroxed copies of the floppies. 5. A Dell technician advised his customer to put his troubled floppy back in the drive and close the door. The customer asked the tech to hold on, and was heard putting the phone down, getting up and crossing the room to close the door to his room.
True story from a Novell NetWire SysOp:
Caller: "Hello, is this Tech Support?" Tech: "Yes, it is. How may I help you?" Caller: "The cup holder on my PC is broken and I am within my warranty period. How do I go about getting that fixed?" Tech: "I'm sorry, but did you say a cup holder?" Caller: "Yes, it's attached to the front of my computer." Tech: "Please excuse me if I seem a bit stumped, It's because I am. Did you receive this as part of a promotional, at a trade show? How did you get this cup holder? Does it have any trademark on it?" Caller: "It came with my computer, I don't know anything about a promotional. It just has '4X' on it."
Pickup lines
1. Get a single rose and walk up to her/him, hand it to that person, and say... Here this buds for you. 2. Is there an airport near or is that my heart taking off. 3. Male: Girl, You know your dad's a thief, Female: Why? Male: Because he stole the stars from the sky and put them in your eyes 4. Excuse me. Did you just fart? 5. Hey, my name is milk and I could do your body good. 6. A: Excuse me.....What time is it?? B: [gives time] A: I'm sorry, did you just say "I love you!"?
Here are some greeting card you will never see
1. "Congratulations on your wedding day! Too bad no one likes your wife."
2. "How could two people as beautiful you have such an ugly baby?"
3. "As the days go by, I think of how lucky I am that you're not here to ruin it for me."
4. "Congratulations on your promotion. Before you go, I would like to take this knife out of my back. You'll probably need it again."
5. "Someday I hope to get married, but not to you."
6. "Happy Birthday! You look great for your age...Almost Lifelike!"
Consumer Labels
In case you needed further proof that the human race is doomed by stupidity, here are some actual label instructions found on consumer goods:
On a Sears hairdryer: Do not use while sleeping. On a bag of Fritos: You could be a winner! No purchase necessary. Details inside. (The shoplifter special.) On a bar of Dial soap: Directions: Use like regular soap. On a Swann frozen dinners: Serving suggestion: Defrost. (But it's just a suggestion.) On Tesco's tiramisu dessert (printed on the bottom of box): Do not turn upside-down. On Marks & Spencer bread pudding: Product will be hot after heating. On packaging for a Rowenta iron: Do not iron clothes on body. On Boot's children's cough medicine: "Do not drive a car or operate machinery after taking this medication." On Nytol sleep aid: Warning: May cause drowsiness. On most brands of Christmas lights: "For indoor or outdoor use only." (As opposed to what?) On a Japanese food processor: Not to be used for the other use. (I gotta admit, I'm curious.) On Sainsbury's peanuts: "Warning: contains nuts." On an American Airlines packet of peanuts: "Instructions: Open packet, eat nuts." On a child's Superman costume: "Wearing of this garment does not enable you to fly." (I don't blame the company, I blame the parents for this one.)
Quick Wits
>What is a zebra? > 25 sizes larger than an "A" bra. >
> What lies at the bottom of the ocean and twitches? > A nervous wreck. >
> What's the difference between an oral and a rectal thermometer? > The taste. >
> What's the difference between roast beef and pea soup? > Anyone can roast beef. >
> Where do you get virgin wool from? > Ugly sheep. >
> What do you get when an epileptic farmer falls in his lettuce patch? > Seizure salad. >
> A guy goes into a Chinese bar and says, "How 'bout a Stoly?" > The bartender says, "Once upon a time . . . ." >
> How many mice does it take to screw in a light bulb? > Two. The hard part is getting them in the light bulb. >
> What has 75 balls and screws old ladies? > Bingo! >
> What's the difference between a Catholic wife and a Jewish wife? > A Catholic wife has real orgasms and fake jewelry. >
>A guy is driving down the street. A cop pulls him over and says, "Sir, >were you aware that your wife fell out of the car about a mile back?" >The guy says, "Oh, thank God! I thought I went deaf." >
> What do you call a dog with no legs? > It doesn't matter. He won't come anyway. >
> What do you get when you cross a Jehovah's Witness with an Atheist? Ø Someone who knocks on your door for no reason
Unsuccessful Pick up lines
1. Hi, my friends call me Creepy.
2. You're ugly but you intrigue me.
3. You look like a hooker I knew in Fresno.
4. Is that a false nose?
5. I had to find out what kind of woman would go out dressed like that.
6. I'm drunk.
Consumer Labels
In case you needed further proof that the human race is doomed by stupidity, here are some actual label instructions found on consumer goods:
On a Sears hairdryer: Do not use while sleeping. On a bag of Fritos: You could be a winner! No purchase necessary. Details inside. (The shoplifter special.) On a bar of Dial soap: Directions: Use like regular soap. On a Swann frozen dinners: Serving suggestion: Defrost. (But it's just a suggestion.) On Tesco's tiramisu dessert (printed on the bottom of box): Do not turn upside-down. On Marks & Spencer bread pudding: Product will be hot after heating. On packaging for a Rowenta iron: Do not iron clothes on body. On Boot's children's cough medicine: "Do not drive a car or operate machinery after taking this medication." On Nytol sleep aid: Warning: May cause drowsiness. On most brands of Christmas lights: "For indoor or outdoor use only." (As opposed to what?) On a Japanese food processor: Not to be used for the other use. (I gotta admit, I'm curious.) On Sainsbury's peanuts: "Warning: contains nuts." On an American Airlines packet of peanuts: "Instructions: Open packet, eat nuts." On a child's Superman costume: "Wearing of this garment does not enable you to fly." (I don't blame the company, I blame the parents for this one.)
Good Joke
During the Great Depression, there was this man who walked into a bar one day. He walked up to the bartender and said, "Bartender, I'd like to buy the house a round of drinks". The bartender said, "That's fine, but we're in the middle of the Depression, so I'll need to see some money first". The guy pulls out a huge wad of bills and sets them on the bar. Well, the bartender can't beleive what he's seeing. "Where did you get all that money?", asked the bartender. "I'm a professional gambler", replied the man. The bartender said, "There's no such thing! I mean, your odds are 50-50 at best, right?". "Well, I only bet on sure things" said the guy. "Like what?" asked the bartender. "Well, for example, I'll bet you $50 that I can bite my right eye." The bartender thought about it. "OK". So, the guy pulls out his false right eye and bites it. "Aw, you screwed me", said the bartender, and paid the guy his $50. "I'll give you another chance. I'll bet you another $50 that I can bite my LEFT eye" said the stranger. The bartender thought again and said, "Well, I know you're not blind, I mean I watched you walk in here. I'll take that bet". So, the guy pulls out his false teeth and bites his left eye. "Aw, you screwed me again". "That's how I win so much money, bartender. I'll just take a bottle of your best scotch in leiu of the $50", said the man. With that, the guy went to the back room and spent the better part of the night playing cards with some of the locals. After many hours of drinking and card playing, he stumbled up to the bar. The guy, drunk as a skunk, said, "Bartender, I'll give you one last chance. I'll bet you $500 that I can stand on this bar here on one foot and pee into that whiskey bottle on that shelf behind you without spilling a drop". The bartender once again pondered the bet. The guy couldn't even stand up straight on two feet, much less one. "OK, you're on". The guy climbed up on the bar, stood on one leg, and began peeing all over the place. He hit the bar, the bartender, himself, but not a drop made it into the whiskey bottle. The bartender was ecstatic. Laughing, the bartender said, "Hey pal, you owe me $500!". The guy climbed down off the bar and said, "That's OK. I just bet each of the guys in the card room $1000 each that I could pee all over you AND the bar and still make you laugh!"
Need a Push
A man and his wife are awoken at 3 o'clock in the morning by a knock on the door. The man gets up and goes to the door where a stranger is asking for a push. "Not a chance" says the husband -- "It's three o'clock in the morning!" He closes the door and returns to bed. "Who was it?" asks his wife. "Just a stranger asking for a push" he answers. "Did you help him? she asks. "No I didn't -- it's three in the morning" "Well you've got a short memory" says his wife, "Can't you remember about three months ago when we broke down on holiday and those two guys helped us?. I think you should help him." The man does as he is told and returns to the front door and calls out into the dark "Hello -- are you still there?" "Yes", comes the answer. "Do you still want a push?" calls out the husband. "Yes please!" comes the reply from the dark. "Where are you?" asks the husband "Over here on the swing" the man replies.
Embarrassing Compulsion
A man walked into a bar and ordered a glass of white wine. He took a sip of the wine, then tossed the remainder into the bartender's face. Before the bartender could recover from the surprise, the man began weeping. "I'm sorry," he said. "I'm really sorry. I keep doing that to bartenders. I can't tell you how embarrassing it is to have a compulsion like this." Far from being angry, the bartender was sympathetic. Before long, he was suggesting that the man see an analyst about his problem. "I happen to have the name of a psychoanalyst," the bartender said. "My brother and my wife have both been treated by him, and they say he's as good as they get." Six months later, the man was back. "Did you do what I suggested?" the bartender asked, serving a glass of white wine. "I certainly did," the man said. "I've been seeing the psychoanalyst twice a week." He took a sip of the wine, then he threw the remainder into the bartender's face. The flustered bartender wiped his face with a towel. "The doctor doesn't seem to be doing you any good," he sputtered. "On the contrary," the man claimed, "he's done me world of good." "But you threw the wine in my face again!" the bartender exclaimed. "Yes," the man replied. "But it doesn't embarrass me anymore."
Word Fun
Arbitrator \ar'-bi-tray'-ter\ : A cook that leaves Arby's to work at McDonald's Avoidable \uh-voy'-duh-buhl' \ : What a bullfighter tries to do Baloney \buh-lo'-nee' \ : Where some hemlines fall Bernadette \burn'-a-det' \ : The act of torching a mortgage Burglarize \bur'-gler-ize' \ : What a crook sees with Control \kon'-trol\ : A short, ugly inmate Counterfeiters \kown'-ter-fit'-ers\ : Workers who put together kitchen cabinets Eclipse \ee-klips' \ : What a Cockney barber does for a living Eyedropper \i'-drop-ur\ : A clumsy ophthalmologist Heroes \hee-rhos' \ : What a guy in a boat does Left Bank \left' bangk' \ : What the robber did when his bag was full of loot Misty \mis-tee' \ : How golfers create divots Paradox \par'-u-doks' \ : Two physicians Parasites \par'-ih-sites' \: What you see from the top of the EiffelTower Pharmacist \farm'-uh-sist \ : A helper on the farm Polarize \po'-lur-ize' \ : What penguins see with Primate \pri'-mate' \ : Removing your spouse from in front of the TV Relief \ree-leef' \ : What trees do in the spring Selfish \sel'-fish' \ : What the owner of a seafood store does Subdued \sub-dood' \ : Like, a guy who, like, works on one of those, like, submarines, man Sudafed \sood'-a-fed' \ : Brought litigation against a government official
Save my Spot
Bill & Hillary Clinton were sleeping one night at the White House. Hillary wakes up and starts shaking Bill to wake him up. "Bill, Bill wake up." Bill stays sleeping. Hillary continues, "Bill, Bill wake up." Bill finally wakes up and says, "What do you want?" Hillary responds, "I have to go use the bathroom." To which Bill says, "Please tell me you didn't wake me up just to tell me you have to go to the bathroom." Hillary says, "No, I just wanted to tell you to save my spot."
Speed Trap
A man was speeding down the highway, feeling secure in a gaggle of cars all traveling at the same speed. However, as they passed a speed trap, he got nailed with an infrared speed detector and was pulled over. The officer handed him the citation, received his signature and was about to walk away when the man asked, "Officer, I know I was speeding, but I don't think it's fair - there were plenty of other cars around me who were going just as fast, so why did *I* get the ticket?" "Ever go fishing?" the policeman suddenly asked the man. "Ummm, yeah..." the startled man replied. The officer grinned and added, "Ever catch *all* the fish?"
