JOKES:
100 reasons its great to be a guy:
1. Phone conversations are over in 30 seconds flat. 2. Movie nudity is virtually always female. 3. You know stuff about tanks. 4. A five day vacation requires only one suitcase. 5. Monday Night Football. 6. You don't have to monitor your friends sex lives. 7. Your bathroom lines are 80% shorter. 8. You can open all your own jars. 9. Old friends don't give you crap if you've lost or gained weight. 10. Dry cleaners and haircutter's don't rob you blind. 11. When clicking through the channel, you don't have to stall on every shot of someone crying. 12. Your ass is never a factor in a job interview. 13. All your orgasms are real. 14. A beer gut does not make you invisible to the opposite sex. 15. Guys in hockey masks don't attack you. 16. You don't have to lug a bag of useful stuff around everywhere you go. 17. You understand why Stripes is funny. 18. You can go to the bathroom without a support group. 19. Your last name stays put. 20. You can leave a hotel bed unmade. 21. When your work is criticized, you don't have to panic that everyone secretly hates you. 22. You can kill your own food. 23. The garage is all yours. 24. You get extra credit for the slightest act of thoughtfulness. 25. You see the humor in Terms of Endearment. 26. Nobody secretly wonders if you swallow. 27. You never have to clean the toilet. 28. You can be showered and ready in 10 minutes. 29. Sex means never worrying about your reputation. 30. We still be your friend. 32. Your underwear is $10 for a three pack. 33. The National College Cheerleading Championship 34. None of your co-workers have the power to make you cry. 35. You don't have to shave below your neck. 36. You don't have to curl up next to a hairy ass every nite. 37. If you're 34 and single nobody notices. 38. You can write your name in the snow. 39. You can get into a nontrivial pissing contest. 40. Everything on your face stays its original color. 41. Chocolate is just another snack. 42. You can be president. 43. You can quietly enjoy a car ride from the passenger seat. 44. Flowers fix everything. 45. You never have to worry about other people's feelings. 46. You get to think about sex 90% of your waking hours. 47. You can wear a white shirt to a water park. 48. Three pair of shoes are more than enough. 49. You can eat a banana in a hardware store. 50. You can say anything and not worry about what people think. 51. Foreplay is optional. 52. Michael Bolton doesn't live in your universe. 53. Nobody stops telling a good dirty joke when you walk into the room. 54. You can whip your shirt off on a hot day. 55. You don't have to clean your apartment if the meter reader is coming by. 56. You never feel compelled to stop a pal from getting laid. 57. Car mechanics tell you the truth. 58. You don't give a rat's ass if someone notices your new haircut. 59. You can watch a game in silence with you buddy for hours without even thinking he must be mad at me. 60. The world is your urinal. 61. You never misconstrue innocuous statements to mean your lover is about to leave you. 62. You get to jump up and slap stuff. 63. Hot wax never comes near your pubic area. 64. One mood, all the time. 65. You can admire Clint Eastwood without starving yourself to look like him. 66. You never have to drive to another gas station because this one's just too skeezy. 67. You know at least 20 ways to open a beer bottle. 68. You can sit with your knees apart no matter what you are wearing. 69. Same work....more pay. 70. Gray hair and wrinkles add character. 71. You don't have to leave the room to make an emergency crotch adjustment. 72. Wedding Dress $2000; Tux rental $100. 73. You don't care if someone is talking about you behind your back. 74. With 400 million sperm per shot, you could double the earth's population in 15 tries, at least in theory. 75. You don't mooch off others' desserts. 76. If you retain water, it's in a canteen. 77. The remote is yours and yours alone. 78. People never glance at your chest when you're talking to them. 79. ESPN's sports center. 80. You can drop by to see a friend without bringing a little gift. 81. Bachelor parties whomp ass over bridal showers. 82. You have a normal and healthy relationship with your mother. 83. You can buy condoms without the shopkeeper imagining you naked. 84. You needn't pretend you're "freshening up" to go to the bathroom. 85. If you don't call your buddy when you say you will, he won't tell your friends you've changed. 86. Someday you'll be a dirty old man. 87. You can rationalize any behavior with the handy phrase "F*#k it!" 88. If an other guy shows up at the party in the same outfit you might become lifelong buddies. 89. Princess Di's death was almost just another obituary. 90. The occasional well-rendered belch is practically expected. 91. You never have to miss a sexual opportunity because you're not in the mood. 92. You think the idea of punting a small dog is funny. 93. If something mechanical didn't work, you can bash it with a hammer and throw it across the room. 94. New shoes don't cut, blister, or mangle your feet. 95. Porn movies are designed with your mind in mind. 96. You don't have to remember everyone's birthdays and anniversaries. 97. Not liking a person does not preclude having great sex with them. 98. Your pals can be trusted never to trap you with: "So...notice anything different?" 99. Baywatch 100. There is always a game on somewhere.
What Cars Say About The People Who Drive Them
- Acura Integra - I have always wanted to own the Buick of sports cars. - Acura Legend - I'm too bland for German cars. - Acura NSX - I am impotent. - Audi 90 - I enjoy putting out engine fires. - Buick Park Avenue - I am older than 34 of the 50 states. - Cadillac Eldorado - I am a very good Mary Kay salesman. - Cadillac Seville - I am a pimp. - Chevrolet Camaro - I enjoy beating up people. - Chevrolet Chevette - I like seeing people's reactions when I tell them I have a 'Vette. - Chevrolet Corvette - I'm in a mid-life crisis. - Chevrolet El Camino - I am leading a militia to overthrow the government. - Chrysler Cordoba - I dig the rich Corinthian leather. - Datsun 280Z - I have a kilo of cocaine in my wheel well. - Dodge Dart - I teach third grade special education and I voted for Eisenhower. - Dodge Daytona - I delivered pizza for four years to get this car. - Ford Escort - I'm a red-headed nanny. - Ford Fairmont - (See Dodge Dart) - Ford Mustang - I slow down to 85 in school zones. - Ford Crown Victoria - I enjoy having people slow to 55mph & change lanes when I pull up behind them. - Geo Storm - I will start the 11th grade in the Fall. - Geo Tracker - I will start the 12th grade in the Fall. - Honda del Sol - I have always said, half a convertible is better than no convertible at all. - Honda Civic - I have just graduated and have no credit. - Honda Accord - I lack any originality and am basically a lemming. - Infiniti Q45 - I am a physician with 17 malpractice suits pending. - Isuzu Impulse - I do not give a rip about J.D. Power or his reports. - Jaguar XJ6 - I am so rich I will pay 60K for a car that is in the shop 280 days per year. - Kia Sephia - I learned nothing from the failure of Diahatsu Corp. - Lincoln Town Car - I live for bingo and covered dish suppers. - Mercury Grand Marquis - (See above) - Mercedes 500SL - I will beat you up if you ask me for an autograph. - Mercedes 560SEL - I have a daughter named Bitsy and a son named Cole. - Mazda Miata - I do not fear being decapitated by an 18-wheeler. - MGB - I am dating a mechanic. - Mitsubishi Diamante - I don't know what it means either. - Nissan 300ZX - I have yet to complete my divorce proceedings. - Peugeot 505 Diesel - I am on the EPA's Ten Most Wanted List. - Plymouth Neon - I sincerely enjoy doing the Macarena. - Pontiac Trans AM - I have a switchblade in my sock. - Porsche 944 - I am dating big haired women that otherwise would be inaccessible to me. - Rolls Royce Silver Shadow- I think Pat Buchannon is a tad bit too liberal - Saturn SC2- (See Honda Civic) - Subaru Legacy- I have always wanted a Japanese car. - Toyota Camry- I am still in the closet - Volkswagon Beetle- I still watch Partridge Family - Volkswagon Cabriolet- I am out of the closet - Volkswagon Microbus- I am tripping right now - Volvo 740 Wagon- I am frightened of my wife
HOW TO IDENTIFY WHERE A DRIVER IS FROM:
- One hand on wheel, one hand on horn: Chicago - One hand on wheel, one finger out window: New York - One hand on wheel, one hand on newspaper, foot solidly on accelerator: Boston - One hand on wheel, cradling cell phone,brick on accelerator: California. With gun in lap: L.A. - Both hands on wheel, eyes shut, both feet on brake, quivering in terror: Ohio, but driving in California. - Both hands in air, gesturing, both feet on accelerator, head turned to talk to someone in back seat: Italy - One hand on latte, one knee on wheel, cradling cell phone, foot on brake, mind on game: Seattle - One hand on wheel, one hand on hunting rifle, alternating between both feet being on the accelerator and both on the brake, throwing a McDonalds bag out the window: Texas city male - One hand on wheel, one hand hanging out the window, keeping speed steadily at 70mph, driving down the center of the road unless coming around a blind curve, in which case they are on the left side of the road: Texas country male - One hand constantly refocusing the rear-view mirror to show different angles of the BIG hair, one hand going between mousse, brush, and rat-tail to keep the helmet hair going, both feet on the accelerator, poodle steering the car, chrome .38 revolver with mother of pearl inlaid handle in the glove compartment: Texas female - Both hands on steering wheel in a relaxed posture, eyes constantly checking the rear-view mirror to watch for visible emissions from their own or another's car: Colorado - One hand on steering wheel, yelling obscenities, the other hand waving gun out the window and firing repeatedly, keeping a careful eye out for landmarks along the way so as to be able to come back and pick up any bullets that didn't hit other motorists so as not to litter: Colorado resident on spotting a car with Texas plate. - Four wheel drive pickup truck, shotgun mounted in rear window, beer cans on floor, squirrel tails attached to antenna: West Virginia male. - Junker, driven by someone who previously had a nice car and who is now wearing a barrel: Las Vegas - Two hands gripping wheel, blue hair barely visible above window level, driving 35 on the interstate in the left lane with the left blinker on: Florida "seasoned citizen" driver, also known as "no-see-um" (or could it be Marge Simpson?) - Two hands on the wheel, driving forty-five in a seventy mph zone in the left lane, with the left turn signal on, and making a right turn: New Mexico resident
How to keep a healthy level of insanity in the workplace:
Put a chair facing a printer, sit there all day and tell people you're waiting for your document. Insist that your e-mail address be "zena_goddess_of_fire@companname.com" Every time someone asks you to do something, ask them if they want fries with that. Name all your pens and insist that meetings can't begin until they're all present. Come to work in your pajamas. Include a piece of your children's artwork as a cover page for all reports that you write. (If you don't have children, draw stick figures yourself) Encourage your colleagues to join you in a little synchronized chair dancing.
Here is the woman's guide to what a man is really saying
While at home: "I'm hungry" = I'm hungry. "I'm sleepy" = I'm sleepy. "I'm tired" = I'm tired. "I've gotta pee" = Get out of the way. "I've gotta GO" = Get out of the way and stay away until it clears "Can I call you sometime?" = I'd eventually like to have sex with you. "Do you want to go to a movie?" = I'd eventually like to have sex with you. "Can I take you out to dinner?" = I'd eventually like to have sex with you. "Can I get your coat?" = I'd eventually like to have sex with you. "Let me get your door." = I'd eventually like to have sex with you. "May I have this dance?" = I'd eventually like to have sex with you. "Nice dress!" = Nice cleavage! "You look tense, let me give you a massage." = I want to fondle you. "What's wrong?" = I don't see why are you making such a big deal out of this. "What's wrong?" = What meaningless self-inflicted psychological trauma are you going through now? "What's wrong?" = I guess sex tonight is out of the question. "I'm bored." = Do you want to have sex? "I love you." = Let's have sex now. "I love you too." = Okay, I said it...we'd better have sex now! "Good morning." = That was great sex......let's have more! "See you later." = That was great sex......let's have more! "Yes, I like the way you cut your hair." = I liked it better before. "Yes, I like the way you cut your hair." = $50 and it doesn't look that much different! "Yes, I like the way you cut your hair." =For $50 they should have GIVEN you hair! "Let's talk."= I am trying to impress you by showing that I am a deep person and maybe then you'd like to have sex with me. "Will you marry me?" = I want to make it illegal for you to have sex with other guys. "Will you marry me?" = I might as well get tax benefits for going through these "talks"
While shopping: "Yes, that one's nice" = Why do you ask when you aren't going to listen anyway? "That one looks great on you" = Pick any freakin' dress and let's go home! "I like that one better." = Pick any freakin' dress and let's go home! "Uh huh" = Pick any freakin' dress and let's go home! "Zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz" = Pick any freakin' dress and let's go home! "I don't think that blouse and that skirt go well together." = I am gay. "It makes you look fat" = I'm really stupid!
Women's English
Yes = No No = Yes Maybe = No I'm sorry. = You'll be sorry. We need = I want. It's your decision = The correct decision should be obvious by now. Do what you want = You'll pay for this later. We need to talk = I need to complain. Sure...go ahead = I don't want you to. I'm not upset = Of course I'm upset, you moron! You're ... so manly = You need a shave and you sweat a lot. You're certainly attentive tonight = Is sex all you ever think about? Be romantic, turn out the lights = I have flabby thighs. This kitchen is so inconvenient = I want a new house. I want new curtains = and carpeting, furniture and wallpaper..... Hang the picture there = NO, I mean hang it there! I heard a noise = I noticed you were almost asleep. Do you love me? = I'm going to ask for something expensive. How much do you love me? = I did something you're not going to like I'll be ready in a minute = Sit down and find a good game on TV. Is my butt fat? = Tell me I'm beautiful. You have to learn to communicate. = Just agree with me. Are you listening to me!? = Too late, you're dead. Was that the baby? = Get out of bed and walk him until he's asleep. I'm not yelling! = I am yelling because I think this is important. * The answer to -What's wrong?: a)The same old thing = Nothing b)Nothing = Everything c)Everything = My PMS is acting up d)Nothing really = It's just that you're such an asshole.
Used Brains
A man went to the doctor. The doctor came in and said, "Well, I've got some good news and some bad news. The bad news is that you have an inoperable brain tumor. The good news is our hospital has just been certified to do brain transplants and there has been an accident right out front and a young couple was killed and you can have whichever brain you'd like. The man's brain costs $100,000 and the woman's brain costs $30,000." The patient could not help but ask, "Why such a large difference between the male and the female brain?" The doctor replied, "The female brain is used."
Top 10 reasons computers must be male:
10. They have a lot of data but are still clueless. 9. A better model is always just around the corner. 8. They look nice and shiny until you bring them home. 7. It is always necessary to have a backup. 6. They'll do whatever you say if you push the right buttons. 5. The best part of having either one is the games you can play. 4. In order to get their attention, you have to turn them on. 3. The lights are on but nobody's home. 2. Big power surges knock them out for the night. 1. Size does matter
Top 10 reasons compilers must be female:
10. Picky, picky, picky. 9. They hear what you say, but not what you mean. 8. Beauty is only shell deep. 7. When you ask what's wrong, they say "nothing". 6. Can produce incorrect results with alarming speed. 5. Always turning simple statements into big productions. 4. Small talk is important. 3. You do the same thing for years, and suddenly it's wrong. 2. They make you take the garbage out. 1. Miss a period and they go wild
IF MEN GOT PREGNANT
* Maternity leave would last two years....with full pay. * There would be a cure for stretch marks. * Natural childbirth would become obsolete. * Morning sickness would rank as the nation's #1 health problem. * All methods of birth control would be 100% effective. * Children would be kept in the hospital until toilet trained. * Men would be eager to talk about commitment. * They wouldn't think twins were so cute. * Sons would have to be home from dates by 10:00 PM. * Briefcases would be used as diaper bags. * Paternity suits would be a fashion line of clothes. * They'd stay in bed during the entire pregnancy. * Restaurants would include ice cream and pickles as main entree's. * Women would rule the world.
Woman
A Chemical Analysis
ELEMENT: Women SYMBOL: Wo DISCOVERER: Adam ATOMIC MASS: Accepted at 53.6kg, but known to vary from 40-200kg OCCURRENCES: Copious quantities in all urban areas
PHYSICAL PROPERTIES:
1. Surface usually covered in painted film 2. Boils at nothing; freezes w/o known reason 3. Melts if given special treatment 4. Bitter if incorrectly used 5. Found in various states from virgin metal to common ore 6. Yields if pressure applied in correct places
CHEMICAL PROPERTIES:
1. Has great affinity for gold, silver, and a range of precious stones 2. Absorbs great quantities of expensive substances 3. May explode spontaneously w/o prior warning and for no apparent reason 4. Insoluble in liquids, but activity increases greatly in saturation of alcohol 5. Most powerful money reducing agent known to man
COMMON USES:
1. Highly ornamental, especially in sports cars 2. Can be a great aid to relaxation 3. Very effective cleaning agent
TESTS:
1. Pure specimen turns rosy pink when discovered in the natural state 2. Turns green when placed beside a better specimen
HAZARDS:
1. Highly dangerous except in experienced hands 2. Illegal to possess more than one, although several can be maintained at different locations as long as specimens do not come into direct contact with each other
MAN
A chemical analysis
Element: Man Symbol: Ma Quantitative: Accepted at 7 inches though known to be as small as 4 inches. Discoverer: Eve (discovered by accident when she had a craving for ribs) Occurrence: Often found near dual element Wo, usually in high concentrations surrounding a perfect Wo specimen.
Physical properties:
1) surface is often covered with hair; bristly in some areas, soft in others. 2) boils when inconvenienced, freezes when faced with Logic and Common Sense, melts when treated properly. 3) can cause headaches 4) tends to fall into very low energy state directly after reaction with Wo 5) gains considerable mass and loses reactive nature, as specimen ages 6) specimens can be found in various states ranging from deeply sensitive to extremely thick. 7) often damaged as a direct result of unlucky reaction with polluted form of the Wo common ore.
Chemical properties:
1) all forms desire reaction with Wo, even when no further reaction is possible. 2) may react with several Wo isotopes in a short period under extremely favorable conditions. 3) most powerful embittering and aggravating agent known to Wo. 4) usually willing to react with whatever is available. 5) will be fairly inert and repellent to most other elements when saturated with alcohol. 6) is repelled by most common household appliances and cleansers. 7) is repelled by small children in diapers, particularly those of the malodorous variety. 8) is neutral to common courtesy and fairness.
Storage:
1) best results near 18 for high reaction rate, 25-35 for favorable reaction style.
Uses:
1) heavy boxes, top shelves, long walks late at night, free dinners for Wo. 2) can be used in recreational activities.
Tests:
1) pure specimen will rarely reveal purity 2) reacted specimens broadcast information on many wavelengths.
Caution:
1) may react extremely violently when another Ma interferes with reaction to a particular Wo specimen.
FOR IMMEDIATE RELEASE FROM: THE TREES
StoP tHE LogGINg oR wE WiLl coNtInUE To KIll oNe CeleBrITY EacH WeEK.
p.S. theRe ARe nO SkIinG "aCciDenTS".
Competition
A shopkeeper was dismayed when a brand new business much like his own opened up next door and erected a huge sign which read 'BEST DEALS.' He was horrified when another competitor opened up on his right, and announced its arrival with an even larger sign, reading 'LOWEST PRICES.' The shopkeeper panicked, until he got an idea. He put the biggest sign of all over his own shop. It read... 'MAIN ENTRANCE.'
Skip a Day
A woman was terribly overweight, so her doctor put her on a diet. "I want you to eat regularly for 2 days, then skip a day, and repeat this procedure for 2 weeks. The next time I see you, you'll have lost at least 5 pounds." When the woman returned, she shocked the doctor by losing nearly 20 pounds. "Why, that's amazing!" the doctor said, "Did you follow my instructions?" The woman nodded. "I'll tell you though, I thought I was going to drop dead that third day." "From hunger, you mean?" "No, from skipping."
My Dear Husband,
I am sending you this letter via this BBS communications thing, so that you will be sure to read it. Please forgive the deception, but I thought you should know what has been going on at home since your computer entered our lives TWO YEARS AGO. The children are doing well. Tommy is seven now and is a bright, handsome boy. He has developed quite an interest in the arts. He drew a family portrait for a school project, all the figures were good, and the back of your head is very realistic. You should be very proud of him. Little Jennifer turned three in September. She looks a lot like you did at that age. She is an attractive child and quite smart. She still remembers that you spent the whole afternoon with us on her birthday. What a grand day for Jenny, despite the fact that it was stormy and the electricity was out. I am doing well. I went blonde about a year ago, and discovered that it really is more fun! George, I mean, Mr. Wilson, the department head, has uh, taken an interest in my career and has become a good friend to us all. I discovered that the household chores are much easier since I realized that you didn't mind being vacuumed but that feather dusting made you sneeze. The house is in good shape. I had the living room painted last spring; I'm sure you noticed it. I made sure that the painters cut holes in the drop sheet so you wouldn't be disturbed. Well, my dear, I must be going. Uncle George, uh, Mr. Wilson, I mean, is taking us all on a ski trip and there is packing to do. I have hired a housekeeper to take care of things while we are away, she'll keep things in order, fill your coffee cup and bring your meals to your desk, just the way you like it. I hope you and the computer will have a lovely time while we are gone. Tommy, Jenny and I will think of you often. Try to remember us while your disks are booting. Love, Your Wife.
Sweet Revenge
A recently divorced woman is walking along the beach contemplating how badly treated she got over the divorce settlement, when she spies a magic lamp washing up onshore. She rubs the lamp, and out pops a magical genie!! The genie notices her anger and lets her vent her troubles to him. As a consolation, the genie informs her that he will give her three wishes. But, he cautions her that because he does not believe in divorce, he will give her ex-husband ten times the amount of whatever she wishes. The woman is steaming mad, thinking that this is hardly fair, but she makes her first wish. The first wish was for a billion dollars. The genie grants her wish and she finds herself sitting in pile of one billion one-dollar bills. The genie then reminds her that her husband is now the recipient of 10 billion dollars. The woman can barely contain her anger when she makes her second wish. The second wish was for a beautiful mansion on the shore of her own private beach. In an instant it was granted, but the genie then reminds again that her ex-husband now owns ten of what she wished for, and points out at the beach to a small development of ten such mansions. Upon hearing this, the woman takes her time to contemplate her last wish. Just as the genie was about to give up on her, the woman informs the genie that she wants to make the last wish. But, before she can do this, the genie again warns her that her ex-husband will get ten times what she wishes for. "No problem," said the woman as she grinned in ecstasy. "For my last wish ... I'd like to give birth to twins."
Why Nagging A Man Doesn't Work
What a woman says:
"This place is a mess! C'mon, You and I need to clean up, Your stuff is lying on the floor and you'll have no clothes to wear if we don't do laundry right now!"
What a man hears:
blah, blah, blah, blah, C'MON, YOU AND I blah, blah, blah blah, blah ON THE FLOOR blah, blah, blah, NO CLOTHES, blah blah, blah, blah, blah, RIGHT NOW!
Survival of the Smartest
A woman and a man get into a car accident, and it's a bad one. Both cars are totally demolished, but amazingly neither of them is hurt. After they crawl out of their cars, the woman says, "So you're a man, that's interesting. I'm a woman... Wow! Just look at our cars. There's nothing left, but fortunately we are unhurt. This must be a sign from God that we should meet and be friends and live together in peace the rest of our days. The man replied, "I agree with you completely; this must be a sign from God!" The woman continued, "And look at this - here's another miracle. My car is completely demolished but this bottle of Mogen David wine didn't break. Surely God wants us to drink this wine and celebrate our good fortune." Then she hands the bottle to the man. The man nods his head in agreement, opens it and takes a few big swigs from the bottle, then hands it back to the woman. The woman takes the bottle, immediately puts the cap back on, and hands it back to the man. The man asks, "Aren't you having any?" The woman replies, "No. I think I will just wait for the police..."
