JOKES:
Actual Bumper Stickers
-We are Microsoft. Resistance Is Futile. You Will Be Assimilated. -Jesus is coming, everyone look busy. -A bartender is just a pharmacist with a limited inventory. -Horn broken, watch for finger. -All men are idiots ... I married their king. -The more you complain, the longer God lets you live. -My kid had sex with your honor student. -If at first you do succeed, try not to look astonished. -Help wanted telepath: you know where to apply -I.R.S.: We've got what it takes to take what you've got. -Jesus loves you... everyone else thinks you're an asshole. -I'm just driving this way to piss you off. -Reality is a crutch for people who can't handle drugs. -I love cats ... they taste just like chicken -Out of my mind. Back in five minutes. -Keep honking, I'm reloading. -Hang up and drive. -Laugh alone and the world thinks you're an idiot. -Snatch a kiss, or vice versa. -I don't have to be dead to donate my organ. -I want to die in my sleep like my grandfather ... Not screaming and yelling like the passengers in his car. -Guns don't kill people, postal workers do. -Ask me about microwaving cats for fun and profit. -I said "no" to drugs, but they just woudn't listen. -Cat... the other white meat. -The gene pool could use a little chlorine. -Your kid may be an honor student but you're still an IDIOT! -Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine. -It IS as BAD as you think, and they ARE out to get you. -When you do a good deed, get a receipt, in case heaven is like the IRS. -Friends don't let Friends drive Naked. -If we aren't supposed to eat animals, why are they made of meat? -Forget about World Peace.....Visualize Using Your Turn Signal! -Make it idiot proof and someone will make a better idiot. -He/She who laughs last thinks slowest -Lottery: A tax on people who are bad at math. -Friends help you move. Real friends help you move bodies. -Very funny, Scotty. Now beam down my clothes. -Puritanism: The haunting fear that someone, somewhere may be happy. -Consciousness: that annoying time between naps. -Be nice to your kids. They'll be choosing your nursing home. -Ever stop to think, and forget to start again? -Diplomacy is the art of saying 'Nice doggie!'... till you can find a rock. -I like you, but I wouldn't want to see you working with subatomic particles. -Sex on television can't hurt you unless you fall off.
Grandpa, Did God Make You?
A Grandpa and his granddaughter were sitting talking when the granddaughter asked, "Did God make you, Grandpa?" "Yes, God made me," the grandfather answered. A few minutes later, the little girl asked him, "Did God make me too?" "Yes, He did," the older man answered. For a few minutes, the little girl seemed to be studying her grandpa, as well as her own reflection in the mirror, while her grandfather wondered what was running through her mind. At last she spoke up. "You know, Grandpa," she said, "God's doing a lot better job lately."
FROM THE PLEASE ENGAGE BRAIN BEFORE SPEAKING DEPARTMENT:
1."Whenever I watch TV and see those poor starving kids all over the world, I can't help but cry. I mean I'd love to be skinny like that but not with all those flies and death and stuff." --Mariah Carey
2.Question: If you could live forever, would you and why? Answer: "I would not live forever, because we should not live forever, because if we were supposed to live forever, then we would live forever, but we cannot live forever, which is why I would not live forever." --Miss Alabama in the 1994 Miss Universe contest
3."Smoking kills. If you're killed, you've lost a very important part of your life." ---Brooke Shields, during an interview to become spokesperson for a federal anti-smoking campaign.
4. "Researchers have discovered that chocolate produces some of the same reactions in the brain as marijuana...The researchers also discovered other similarities between the two, but can't remember what they are." ---Matt Lauer on NBC's Today Show August 22
Worst Analogies Ever Written
These are the winners of the "worst analogies ever written in a high school essay" contest run by the Washington Post: He spoke with the wisdom that can only come from experience, like a guy who went blind because he looked at a solar eclipse without one of those boxes with a pinhole in it and now goes around the country speaking at high schools about the dangers of looking at a solar eclipse without one of those boxes with a pinhole in it. She caught your eye like one of those pointy hook latches that used to dangle from screen doors and would fly up whenever you banged the door open again. The little boat gently drifted across the pond exactly the way a bowling ball wouldn't. McBride fell 12 stories, hitting the pavement like a Hefty Bag filled with vegetable soup. From the attic came an unearthly howl. The whole scene had an eerie, surreal quality, like when you're on vacation in another city and "Jeopardy" comes on at 7 p.m. instead of 7:30. Her hair glistened in the rain like nose hair after a sneeze. Her eyes were like two brown circles with big black dots in the center. Bob was a perplexed as a hacker who means to access=20 T:flw.quid55328.com\aaakk/ch@ung but gets T:flw.quidaakk/ch@ung=20 by mistake. Her vocabulary was bad as, like, whatever. He was as tall as a six-foot-three-inch tree. The hailstones leaped from the pavement, just like maggots when you fry them in hot grease. He date was pleasant enought, but she knew that if her life was a movie this guy would be buried in the credits as something like "Second Tall Man." Long separated by cruel fate, the star-crossed lovers raced across the grassy field toward each other like two freight trains, one having left Cleveland at 6:36 p.m. traveling at 55 mph, the other from Topeka at 4:19 p.m. at a speed of 35 mph. The politician was gone but unnoticed, like the period after the Dr. on a Dr Pepper can. They lived in a typical suburban neighborhood with picket fences that resembled Nanccy Kerrigan's teeth. John and Mary had never met. They were like two hummingbirds who had also never met. The thunder was ominous-sounding, much like the sound of a thin sheet of metal being shaken backstage during the storm scene in a play. His thoughts tumbled in his head, making and breaking alliances like underpants in a dryer without Cling Free. The red brick wall was the color of a brick-red Crayola crayon.
Name Brand Condoms
Nike Condoms: Just do it. Toyota Condoms: Oh what a feeling. Diet Pepsi Condoms: You got the right one, baby. Pringles Condoms: Once you pop, you can't stop. Mentos Condoms: The freshmaker. Flintstones Vitamins Condom: Ten million strong and growing. Secret Condoms: Strong enough for a man, but pH balanced for a woman. Macintosh Condom: It does more, it costs less, it's that simple. Ford Condoms: The best never rest. Chevy Condoms: Like a rock. Dial Condoms: Aren't you glad you use it? Don't you wish everybody did? New York Lotto Condoms: Cause hey - you never know. California Lotto Condoms: Who's next? Avis Condoms: Trying harder than ever. KFC Condoms: Finger-Licking Good. Coca Cola Condoms: Always the Real Thing. Lays Condoms: Betcha can't have just one. Campbell's Soup Condoms: Mmm, mmm, good. General Electric Condoms: We bring good things to life! AT&T Condoms: Reach out and touch someone. Bounty Condoms: The quicker picker upper. Microsoft Condoms: Where do you want to go today ? Energizer Condoms: It keeps going and going and going.... M&M Condoms: It melts in your mouth, not in your hands! Taco Bell Condoms: Get some; make a run for the border. MCI Condoms: For friends and family Doublemint Condoms: Double your pleasure, double your fun! The Sears latex Condoms: One coat is good for the entire winter. Delta Airlines travel pack Condoms: Delta is ready when you are. United Airlines travel pack Condoms: Fly United. The Star Trek Condoms: To Boldly Go Where No Man Has Gone Before.
Subject: Application for a White House Internship
Greetings prospective White House interns!
This year, our program is heading into its 69th year of bringing America's best and brightest to the Nation's Capitol to help the "Head Man" do his job. We expect that 1998 will be the most exciting one yet! Why, you might be asking yourself, do I want to be a part of this demanding, yet rewarding program? Check this out: * Be a part of the action in the pulsing, throbbing political scene of the hottest city in the world! * Get up close and personal with some of America's movers and shakers! * See rooms in the White House that even a VIP tour won't show you! * Get total access to plenty of sensitive Presidential activities!
Sound like this is for you? Just listen to what a former intern has to say about such an exciting opportunity: "I couldn't believe it! After only a few months on the job answering phones and fetching coffee, there I was, debriefing the president. Getting involved in executive branch affairs is just fantastic." - M. Lewinsky, Beverly Hills, Calif.
As you can see, being a White House intern is more than long hours, hot debates and touchy national issues. Still interested? Please reply to the White House at:
president@whitehouse.gov Score 1 point for each a, 2 for each b, 3 for each c, 4 for each d.
Scores of 16 can start tomorrow. Scores of 12 and above, please call soon.
Uncle Sam wants you.
Five Stages of Intoxication
Stage 1 - SMART
This is when you suddenly become an expert on every subject in
the known Universe. You know you know everything and want to
pass on your knowledge to anyone who will listen. At this stage
you are always RIGHT. And of course the person you are talking
to is very WRONG. This makes for an interesting argument when
both parties are SMART.
Stage 2 - GOOD LOOKING
This is when you realise that you are the BEST LOOKING person in the entire bar and that people fancy you. You can go up to
a perfect stranger knowing they fancy you and really want to
talk to you. Bear in mind that you are still SMART, so you can
talk to this person about any subject under the sun.
Stage 3 - RICH
This is when you suddenly become the richest person in the
world. You can buy drinks for the entire bar because you have
an armoured truck full of money parked behind the bar. You can
also make bets at this stage, because of course, you are still
SMART, so naturally you will win all your bets. It doesn't
matter how much you bet 'cos you are RICH. You will also buy
drinks for everyone that you fancy, because now you are the
BEST LOOKING person in the world.
Stage 4 - BULLET PROOF
You are now ready to pick fights with anyone and everyone
especially those with whom you have been betting or arguing.
This is because nothing can hurt you. At this point you can
also go up to the partners of the people who you fancy and
challenge to a battle of wits or money. You have no fear of
losing this battle because you are SMART, you are RICH and
hell, you're BETTER LOOKING than they are anyway!
Stage 5 - INVISIBLE
This is the Final Stage of Drunkenness. At this point you can
do anything because NO ONE CAN SEE YOU. You dance on a table to impress the people who you fancy because the rest of the
people in the room cannot see you. You are also invisible to the person who wants to fight you. You can walk through the street singing at the top of your lungs because no one can see or hear you and because you're still SMART you know all the words.
Medical Terminology
Artery - The Study of paintings.
Bacteria - Back door to the cafeteria.
Barium - What you do when CPR fails.
Benign - What you be after you be eight.
Bowel - A letter like A, E, I, O, U, and sometimes Y.
Caesarean Section - A neighborhood near Rome.
Cat Scan - Searching for Kitty.
Cat Scan - What dogs do when they enter your yard.
Cauterize - Made eye contact with the nurse.
Colic - A Sheep Dog.
Coma - A punctuation mark.
Congenital - Friendly.
D&C - Where Washington is located.
Dilate - To live long.
Enema - Not a friend.
GI Series - Baseball between teams of soldiers.
Grippe - A Suitcase.
Hangnail - A coat hook.
Impotent - Distinguished, well known.
Labor Pain - Getting hurt at work.
Medical Staff - A Doctor's cane.
Morbid - A higher offer.
Nitrate - Cheaper than the day rate.
Node - Was aware of.
Outpatient - A person who has fainted.
Pelvis - Cousin to Elvis.
Post-operative - A letter carrier.
Protein - In favor of young people.
Recovery Room - Where you have your upholstery done.
Rectum - Darn near killed him.
Rheumatic Fever - Amorous feeling.
Secretion - Hiding anything.
Seizure - A Roman emperor.
Tablet - A small table.
Terminal Illness - Sick at the airport.
Tibia - North African country.
Tumor - An extra pair.
Urine - Opposite of you're out.
Varicose Veins - Veins which are very close together
Badtimes Virus
If you receive an e-mail with a subject line of "Badtimes," delete it
immediately WITHOUT reading it. This is the MOST DANGEROUS Email virus
yet!
It will re-write your hard drive. Not only that, but it will scramble any disks that are even close to your computer. It will re-calibrate your refrigerator's coolness setting so all your ice cream melts and milk curdles. It will demagnetize the strips on all your credit cards, reprogram your ATM access code, screw up the tracking on your VCR, and use subspace field harmonics to scratch any CDs you try to play.
It will give your ex-boy/girlfriend your new phone number. It will mix antifreeze into your fish tank. It will drink all your beer and leave its dirty socks on the coffee table when there's company coming over. It will hide your car keys when you are late for work and interfere with your car radio so that you hear only static while stuck in traffic.
It will give you nightmares about circus midgets. It will replace your shampoo with Nair and your Nair with Rogaine, all while dating your current boy/girlfriend behind your back and billing their hotel rendezvous to your Visa card.
Badtimes will give you Dutch Elm disease. It will leave the toilet seat up and leave the hairdryer plugged in dangerously close to a full bathtub. It will wantonly remove the forbidden tags from your mattresses and pillows, and refill your skim milk with whole. It is insidious and subtle. It is dangerous and terrifying to behold. It is also a rather interesting shade of mauve.
These are just a few signs.
Be very, very afraid!
WHY COFFEE IS BETTER THAN WOMEN
1. You don't have to put cream in your coffee to make it taste good.
2. Coffee doesn't complain when you put whipped cream in it.
3. A cup of coffee looks good in the morning.
4. You won't fall asleep after a cup of coffee.
5. You can always warm coffee up.
6. Coffee comes with endless refills.
7. Coffee is cheaper.
8. You won't get arrested for ordering coffee at 3 AM.
9. Coffee never runs out.
10. Coffee is out of your system by tomorrow morning.
11. You can take black coffee home to meet your parents.
12. You can make coffee as sweet as you want.
13. You can smoke while drinking coffee.
14. You can put out a cigarette in a cup of coffee.
15. Coffee smells and tastes good.
16. You don't have to put vinegar in your coffee.
17. If your coffee pot leaks, you can use a regular paper towel.
18. You can always get fresh coffee.
19. You can turn the pot on, leave the room, and it'll be hot when you get back.
20. They sell coffee at police stations.
21. You can always ditch a bad cup of coffee.
22. Coffee goes down easier.
23. If you put chocolate in your coffee, it doesn't put on weight.
24. No matter how ugly you are, you can always get a cup of coffee.
25. A big cup or small cup? It doesn't matter.
26. Your coffee doesn't talk to you.
27. Coffee smells good in the morning.
28. Coffee is good when it's cold too.
29. Coffee stains are easier to remove.
30. Coffee doesn't care when you dunk things in it.
31. Coffee doesn't care what kind of mood you're in.
32. Coffee doesn't shed.
33. Coffee is ready in 15 minutes or less.
34. You can't get a cup of coffee pregnant by putting cream in it.
35. Coffee doesn't mind being ground.
36. No matter how bad coffee is, you can always make it better.
37. Coffee doesn't have a time of the month...it's good all the time.
38. When coffee gets old, you can throw it away.
39. When you have a coffee, you don't end up with a pube in the back of your throat.
40. Coffee doesn't take up half your bed.
41. Coffee doesn't mind if you wake up at 3 AM and decide to have a cup.
42. INSTANT COFFEE!
43. You can have an intelligent conversation with coffee.
44. It can take up to 2 weeks for coffee to grow mold.
45. Your coffee won't be jealous of a larger cup.
Honk if You Love Jesus
The other day I went to the local religious book store, where I saw a HONK IF YOU LOVE JESUS bumper sticker. I bought it and put it on the back bumper of my car, and I'm really glad I did. What an uplifting experience followed.
I was stopped at the light at a busy intersection, just lost in thought about the Lord, and didn't notice that the light had changed. That bumper sticker really worked! I found lots of people who love Jesus. Why, the guy behind me started to honk like crazy. He must REALLY love the lord because pretty soon, he leaned out his window and yelled, "Jesus Christ!!" as loud as he could. It was like a football game with him shouting, "GO JESUS CHRIST,GO!!!" Everyone else started honking, too, so I leaned out my window and waved and smiled to all of those loving people.
There must have been a guy from Florida back there because I could hear him yelling something about a sunny beach, and saw him waving in a funny way with only his middle finger stuck up in the air. I asked my two kids what that meant. They kind of squirmed, looked at each other, giggled and told me that it was the Hawaiian good luck sign. So, I leaned out the window and gave him the good luck sign back. Several cars behind, a very nice black man stepped out of his car and yelled something. I couldn't hear him very well, but it sounded like, "Mother trucker," or "Mother's from there." Maybe he was from Florida, too. He must really love the Lord.
A couple of the people were so caught up in the joy of the moment that they got out of their cars and were walking toward me. I bet they wanted to pray, but just then I noticed that the light had changed, and stepped on the gas. And a good thing I did, because I was the only driver to get across the intersection. I looked back at them standing there. I leaned way out the window, gave them a big smile and held up the Hawaiian good luck sign, as I drove away.
Praise the Lord for such wonderful folks.
Naval Operations
The following is an actual radio conversation released by the
Chief of Naval Operations:
#1: Please divert your course 15 degrees to the north to avoid a collision.
#2: Recommend you divert your course 15 degrees to south to avoid a collision.
#1: This is the captain of a U. S. navy ship. I say again, divert YOUR course.
#2: No. I say again, you divert YOUR course.
#1. THIS IS THE AIRCRAFT CARRIER ENTERPRISE. WE ARE A LARGE WARSHIP OF THE
U. S. NAVY. DIVERT YOUR COURSE NOW!
#2. This is a lighthouse. Your call.
Competition
A shopkeeper was dismayed when a brand new business much like his
own opened up next door and erected a huge sign which read 'BEST DEALS.'
He was horrified when another competitor opened up on his right,
and announced its arrival with an even larger sign, reading 'LOWEST PRICES.'
The shopkeeper panicked, until he got an idea. He put the biggest sign of all
over his own shop.
It read... 'MAIN ENTRANCE'
Skip a Day
A woman was terribly overweight, so her doctor put her on a diet.
"I want you to eat regularly for 2 days, then skip a day, and repeat
this procedure for 2 weeks. The next time I see you, you'll have lost
at least 5 pounds."
When the woman returned, she shocked the doctor by losing nearly 20 pounds.
"Why, that's amazing!" the doctor said, "Did you follow my instructions?"
The woman nodded. "I'll tell you though, I thought I was going to drop dead
that third day."
"From hunger, you mean?"
"No, from skipping."
Volunteer Fire Truck
A fire started on some grasslands near a farm. The county fire department was
called to put out the fire. The fire was more than the county fire department
could handle. Someone suggested that a nearby volunteer bunch be called.
Despite some doubt that the volunteer outfit would be of any assistance,
the call was made.
The volunteers arrived in a dilapidated old fire truck. They rumbled straight
towards the fire, drove right into the middle of the flames and stopped!
The firemen jumped off the truck and frantically started spraying water in
all directions. Soon they had snuffed out the center of the fire, breaking the
blaze into two easily-controlled parts.
Watching all this, the farmer was so impressed with the volunteer fire
department's
work and was so grateful that his farm had been spared, that right there on the
spot he presented the volunteers with a check for $1,000. A local news reporter
asked the volunteer fire captain what the department planned to do with the
funds.
"That ought to be obvious, " he responded, wiping ashes off his coat. "The first
thing
we're gonna do is get the brakes fixed on our fire truck!"
Signs That You Are Broke
American Express calls and says, "Leave home without it!"
Your idea of a 7-course meal is taking a deep breath outside a restaurant.
You're formulating a plan to rob the food bank.
You've rolled so many pennies, you've formed a psychic bond
with Abe Lincoln.
Long distance companies don't call you to switch.
You look at your roommate and see a large fried chicken
in tennis shoes.
You rob Peter and then rob Paul.
You finally clean your house, hoping to find change.
You think of a lottery ticket as an investment.
Your bologna has no first name.
You give blood everyday, just for the orange juice.
Sally Struthers sends you food.
McDonalds supplies you with all your kitchen condiments.
A Glass Of Milk
Somebody left a glass of milk next to the keyboard. Reaction?
Optimist: The glass is half full.
Pessimist: The glass is half empty.
Futurist: The milk's in the wrong half of the glass.
Pascal programmers: Well, what type of milk is it?
C Programmers: No thanks; I drink straight from the jug.
Assembly programmers: No thanks; I drink straight from the cow.
Basic programmers: No thanks; I'm still breast feeding.
MIS: I'LL DRINK IT IF YOU CAN GIVE ME UNTIL NEXT YEAR.
Fuzzy logic guys: I may or may not have drunk some part of that milk.
Prolog programmers: I know I drank it - just don't ask me how.
Non-procedural language programmers: I drank it when nobody was looking.
UI designers: What's that crap in my glass?
Pentium users: I drank Glass * .49999999 . . . but don't hold me to that.
Windows users: Where's my straw?
Mac users: Where's my pump?
UNIX users: Nahh . . . too easy.
Software Mates
The software engineering field is staffed primarily by men;
the ratio of male to female software engineers is on the order
of 15 to 1. This makes it pretty easy for women to find potential
mates among their peers., software types have a well-earned
reputation for being a little strange.
While discussing the prospect of working in the software industry,
one woman commented to another: "The odds are good, but the goods are odd."
Car Keys
A bloke has locked his car keys inside his vehicle.
He stands by the side of his car looking completely fed
up when a chap walks up and asks him what the problem is.
"I've locked my car keys in my car and can't get in," says the first individual.
"No problem mate." says the second chap. "Stand to one side and I'll get you
in."
The first chap does as he's asked and stands to one side. The second chap
moves infront of the door handle, turns around, and rubs his bum against
the door lock. Almost instantly the car door unlocks.
"Strewth!" says the first fella, "How did you manage that?"
"Easy," says the second bloke, "I'm wearing my Khaki trousers."
The Panhandler
A panhandler was caught trying to sneak aboard a Princess
liner about to embark on a three-day trip to the Bahamas.
He was caught by the Purser who threw him off the ship telling him,
"Beggars can't be cruisers.
Great one liners:
Be nice to your kids. They'll choose your nursing home.
Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder...
3 kinds of people: those who can count & those who can't.
Why is "abbreviation" such a long word?
Don't use a big word where a diminutive one will suffice.
Every morning is the dawn of a new error...
For people who like peace and quiet: a phoneless cord.
I can see clearly now, the brain is gone...
Liners Cont...
I used up all my sick days, so I'm calling in dead.
Madness takes its toll. Please have exact change.
Proofread carefully to see if you any words out.
There cannot be a crisis today; my schedule is already full.
I'd explain it to you, but your brain would explode.
Ever stop to think, and forget to start again?
A conclusion is simply the place where you got tired of thinking.
I don't have a solution but I admire the problem.
Don't be so open-minded your brains fall out.
Things you wish you could say at work
I don't know what your problem is, but I bet it's hard to pronounce.
How about never? Is never good for you?
I'll try being nicer if you'll try being smarter.
I'm not being rude, you're just insignificant.
If I throw a stick, will you leave?
Nice perfume. Must you marinate in it?
I thought I wanted a career, turns out I just wanted paychecks.
Test
Two young engineers applied for a single position at a computer company.
They both had the same qualifications. In order to determine which individual
to hire, the applicants were asked to take a test by the Department manager.
Upon completion of the test, both men missed only one of the questions.
The manager went to the first applicant and said, "Thank you for your interest,
but we've decided to give the job to the other applicant."
"And why would you be doing that? We both got 9 questions correct," asked the
rejected applicant.
"We have based our decision not on the correct answers,
but on the question you missed," said the Department manager.
"And just how would one incorrect answer be better than the other?"
the rejected applicant inquired.
"Simple," said the Department manager, "Your fellow applicant put down on
question #5, 'I don't know.' You put down, 'Neither do I.'"
Dumb Blondes
A guy is having a drink in a very dark bar. He leans over to the big woman next to him and says: "Do you wanna hear a funny blonde joke?" The big woman replies: "Well, before you tell me that joke, you should know something. I'm blond, six feet tall, 210 pounds, and I'm a professional triathlete and bodybuilder. Also, the blond woman sitting next to me is 6'2", weighs 220 pounds, and she is an ex-professional wrestler. And next to her is a blond who is 6'5", weighs 250 pounds, and she's a current professional kickboxer. Now, do you still want to tell that blond joke?" The guy thinks about it a second and says: "No, not if I'm gonna have to explain it three times."
