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Ladies and Ghouls of the Mausoleum of 99, drink blood. If I could offer
you
only one tip for the future, blood would be it. The long term benefits
of
drinking blood can be seen in ancient vampires everywhere, whereas
the rest
of my advice had no basis more reliable than my own demonic experience.
I
will dispense this advice now.
Enjoy the power and beauty of your youth. Oh, never mind. You're going
to be
young forever anyway. But trust me, in 50 years, you'll look in that
empty
mirror and try to recall what you actually look like, and remember
how you
used to be able to do your own make-up. You are paler than you imagine.
Don't worry about gypsy curses. Or worry, but know that worrying is
as
effective as wearing Ray-bans to protect you from the sun. The real
troubles
in your unlife are apt to be things that never crossed your worried
mind,
the kind that hit you like a church organ on the head one full-moon
night.
Kill one person that annoys you every day.
Maim.
Don't be reckless with other people's hearts. If you squeeze them carefully
you can get every last drop of blood out. (More value for your Happy
Meal)
They also make good Valentine's presents.
Kill.
Don't waste your time on jealousy. Instead, plan to gang up with your
mortal
enemy and beat your rival over the head with a poker. The race is long,
and
in the end, you're still going to knock the town sign over.
Remember the fights you won. Forget the ones where you had the crap
kicked
out of you. If you succeed in doing this, tell me how.
Keep your old railroad spikes. Throw away your girlfriend's old dolls.
Torture.
Don't feel guilty if you fail to kill the Slayer. You have the time
to plan.
Or you could always try leaving her gag gifts and attacking her friends.
Some of the oldest Master vampires have failed to kill her too.
Don't bother with sunscreen. That only works in "Blade".
Maybe your love will be eternal (literally), maybe she'll betray you
with
your father then snog a chaos demon. Maybe you'll get dusted as a fledgling,
maybe you'll be there for the end of the world. Hey, maybe you'll cause
it.
Enjoy your "game" face. Scare people with it as often as you can. It's
the
greatest instrument you'll ever own. And you're gonna have it for a
looong
time.
Dance.... on the Slayer's grave. Have a party with streamers and songs.
Perform rituals correctly, but add a smart comment on the end where
you
possibly can.
Do not read beauty magazines (unless as a guide to who to kill next).
You
are more beautiful than they could ever be.
Get to know your sire, even if he is an evil sadist. You never know
when
he'll get cursed with a soul and run off to live in a sewer. Make nice
with
your superiors, but when you screw up, fry them in the sun and take
charge
yourself.
Understand that Slayers come and go, but with a precious few you should
occasionally call a truce. Work hard to find identical clothes to the
outfit
you're wearing. It looks good on you, and since you never get any older,
it'll stay that way.
Live in Prague once, but escape before the mob kills you. Live in Sunnydale
once, but leg it before your sire sucks the world into hell.
Wear leather.
Accept certain inalienable truths. Angelus is a tosser, Dru is out of
her
tree, and you're just never going to be able to kill the damn Slayer.
But
you can reminisce that fifty years ago, Angelus was living off of rats,
Dru
loved you and only you, and Slayers were easier to kill. Don't forget
to
brag.
Don't expect anyone else to support you. Chances are they'll only find
a
house with huge windows and a garden (perfect for when you want the
sun to
kill you), then move in on your girlfriend.
Don't worry about all your hair falling out. Never happen.
Be careful who you bribe - they might end up delivering the "goods"
at a bad
moment, then run off before you can kill them.
Advice is a form of nostalgia. Dispensing it is a form of shoving your
own
unfortunate, and largely worthless, experiences down other people's
throats.
But trust me on the blood.
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Feedback please!!! :-)