MOVING TO ALASKA
I decided to go for broke and move to Alaska, and I made it.
One good thing that can be said about kleptomania is if you have it you can always take something for it.
If you have had the good fortune to go to Hawaii you may have observed the famous "green flash" seen just as the sun sets over the ocean. Alaska has it's own version, called a "white flash". It's the moment of daylight between sunrise and sunset on December 21st.
Contrary to popular belief that there is no sun in Alaska in winter, we have lots of sunshine. It's just freeze dried!
- Sourdough: There are two kinds of bears in Alaska; Brown bears and black bears.
- Cheechako: What about the polar bears?
- Sourdough: Polar bears are the winter color phase of black bears.
In Juneau the role model for getting things done is the glacier. It moves extremely slowly, looks beautiful from a distance, but can be very dangerous, and is infested with worms.
Did you hear that the number of homeless is much higher this year then usual in Alaska? It's because the summer was unseasonably warm, and all of the igloos have melted.
You know the state flower is the forget-me-not, and the state bird is the Willow Ptarmigan, but what is the state wine?
ANSWER: "I wanna go to Hawaii" (state "whine")
THE BIG ONE
In Alaska when someone refers to "the BIG one" it's important to clarify whether they are talking about a King salmon, Mt. McKinley, or the 1964 earthquake.
During fishing season Alaska has more "hookers" than any other state. There are four seasons in Alaska; duck, moose, salmon and tourist. Sourdough, "If it's tourist season then why can't we shoot'em?"
Actually, there are only two seasons in Alaska; tourist and winter. Winter came on Tuesday this year.
Mud flats are made of glacial silt and can act as a quicksand to hold you fast if you step in the wrong place. Also, the tides in Cook Inlet are the highest found anywhere in North America except the Bay of Fundy, changing as much as 38 feet between low and high tide. So, there is a not-so-funny story "What do you call the wife of a man who ventures way out on the mud flats at low tide?"
ANSWER: A widow
DOING WITHOUT IN ALASKA
Sourdough, complaining "Awwwh, there is so much we must do without in Alaska; we must do without freeways, snakes, scorpions, tornados, hurricanes, cockroaches, poison ivy and poison oak, a state sales tax, a state income tax, alligators, black widow spiders,.........
Have you ever placed a candle in a glass jar and lit it? You may have noticed that water condensation formed on the inside of the glass. This is because there is water in the candle flame, and as every one knows water will freeze. So, when temperatures drop low enough outside (below minus 20 degrees) to overcome the heat of the flame the flame itself will freeze. This principle is used in Alaska by placing a dozen or so candles outside on those really cold nights, letting the flames freeze, then bringing them inside and placing them in the freezer before they have a chance to melt. Later on if you have a power failure in the dead of winter you can take out a few of these "flame buds" and let them thaw until they burst into flame again and heat your house.
There are lots of bears in Alaska. Wise hikers will wear little bells while on the trail, and constantly keep an eye out for bear droppings. You can easily tell which droppings are bear droppings because they are the ones with little bells in them.
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