Dan Rather admitted that while the documents may be forgeries the facts aren't as important as the intent. Enraged environmentalists across the country have parked their Volvos and gone on hunger strikes, vowing to eat only Camembert cheese and tofu until John F. Kerry is elected President. CNN also ran a story showing that the Titanic and the Hindenburg had both been manufactured by subsidiaries of Halliburton. John Edwards immediately took time off from the campaign trail to file a class-action lawsuit against Halliburton, Dick Cheney, the city of Elmhurst, and all icebergs in the North Atlantic.
Jesse Jackson was heard to react by saying "Their boat didn't float, and their blimp went limp." Michael Moore is producing a mockumentary showing that because of close family ties to Emperor Hirohito, George H. W. Bush had been personally informed in advance that Pearl Harbor was going to be attacked, thus giving him time to get the family yacht, named "Obscene Oil Profits", out of the harbor before the bombing began. Howard Dean's voice is being used to dub in the screams during the attack scenes in the movie.
The Ninth Circus Court in California has just ruled that since citizenship status is not a constitutionally valid criterion for eligibility to vote, illegal aliens are to be allowed to vote one time for each different Social Security card that they have, provided that the addresses are different. They excepted families in which the parents and children all have the same last name as being too Americanized to be allowed this special non-citizen privilege. Senator Hillary Clinton immediately clarified that the ruling only applies to illegal aliens who are on welfare, and who vote for John F. Kerry.
Jimmy Carter announced that since only fraudulent voting practices could possibly elect George Bush (who has friends in the oil industry), he will invite France, North Korea, and Iran to oversee the nationwide vote re-count if John F. Kerry is not elected. Ralph Nader was allegedly seen last night wandering the streets of downtown Biloxi muttering "What about me? What about me? What about me?" Peter Jennings announced today that he has DNA evidence that Pontius Pilate was a direct ancestor of George W. Bush (who has friends in the oil industry). He also has papers showing that Dick Cheney still receives an annuity from the company that manufactured the nails used in the Crucifixion. John Kerry told a cheering crowd of morons that he had a plan to prevent future crucifixions of saviors, but that his plan was a secret. The anti-business wing of the democratic party praised his secret plan in the hopes that he would increase taxes on nail companies until they move to China.
And last but not least, MoveOn.org has a story on its website which claims that the Republican Party, guided over the centuries by ancestors of Barry Goldwater and Ronald Reagan, is in reality a secret society which has been working to undermine world equality by planning and creating the Great Plague, World War One, the Depression, the Holocaust, World War Two, the Korean War, the Vietnam War, 9-11, the death of Lacy Peterson, Michael Jackson's face, AIDS, and the pending implosion of Social Security. Spontaneous demonstrations are planned for the weekend preceding the election. Charles Rangel and Nancy Pelosi have called for an independent investigation to be completed by Al Gore as soon as he gets back on his medications.