Rightwing Conspiracy Newsletter # 80

Tuesday, October 12, 2004

John Edwards Stem Cell Vision: 'We will stop juvenile diabetes, Parkinson's, Alzheimer's and other debilitating diseases... When John Kerry is president, people like Christopher Reeve are going get up out of that wheelchair and walk again.' Edwards made the unprecedented campaign promises during 30-minute speech at Newton High School gym in Newton, Iowa... .!"

ALL YOU SICK, YOU INFIRM, THOSE THAT SUFFER FROM ERECTILE DYSFUNCTION, COME CLOSE TO YOUR TV, PLACE YOUR HAND ON THE SCREEN AND REPEAT AFTER ME...

OH MERCIFUL KERRY, PLEASE GRANT MY REQUEST FOR HEALING, LET ME THROW DOWN THE BURDEN OF DISEASE AND WEAKNESS AND IN RETURN I PROMISE TO ALWAYS VOTE DEMOCRAT. PLEASE WATCH OVER ME AND PROTECT ME FROM THE REPUBLICANS IN CONGRESS AND THAT OLD SERPENT THE MASTER OF EVIL GEORGE BUSH. IN THE NAME OF HILLARY CLINTON AND TED KENNEDY I PRAY. AMEN

NOW ARISE !! THROW DOWN THOSE CRUTCHES, GET OUT OF THAT WHEELCHAIR !! AND WALK !!! *Note: those healed by John Kerry who have an erection lasting longer than four hours should seek immediate medical attention.

You can take the ambulance chaser out of the law office, but you can't take the law office out of the ambulance chaser. Is the body even cold yet?

John Kerry... Graduate of the Benny Hinn School of Faith Healing...

I guess your still holding your vote until Edwards promises Kerry will raise the dead.

Plus, loaves and fishes! And no more leprosy! John Kerry is the Promised One!

And we know Kerry will raise the dead because they will be voting for him in Chicago and Philly and New Orleans.

The Democrats are experts at getting the dead to rise up and walk - and vote, too!

Kerry thinks he IS Jesus. Every time he makes a statement, his entire staff moans, "Jesus!"

Actually, after the John Edwards statement, the Kerry/Edwards ticket rose 5 points in the latest Zombie Poll.

Grandstanding on the coffin

Edwards he will threaten to sue God. If he cant reach him, he will sue the church.

When John Kerry is President those bound to wheel chairs will walk, the blind will see, the deaf will hear, Fat people will be thin, thin people will gain muscle mass, the ugly will be beautiful . . we'll all walk on water and terrorists will be nothing but a nuisance like illegal gambling and prostitution!

Will Kerry cure impotence and flatulence, too?

Remember, if you are paralyzed, January 20, 2005 will be a magical day for you…. Just vote for John Kerry and ye shall be healed !!!!!!

"Before this is over, Kerry will be able to bring 'em back from the dead."
Perhaps, but he'll never be able to make liberals think.

When John Kerry is elected President, you will never lose your car keys again. Forget about looking for that remote you left under the pillow on your couch. And you can forget about those annoying "wrong number" calls you get from time to time. This Administration doesn't care about you but we do, and help is on the way.

When John Kerry is elected President, you'll never get that itch, way down low on your ankle that's tough to reach because you been working on your feet for 18 hours for 24 cents in the worst economy since Jesus wept. And when John Kerry is elected, never again will you scratch that itch on your ankle, only to have it magically transport itsel' to your lower back where you cain't reach it -- ya'll know what ahm talkin' about, doncha? This Administration don't care about your itches but we do, and help is on the way.

When John Kerry is elected President DALE EARHARDT WILL BE ALIVE. How's that for progress, eh? We can do that, you know . . . because help is on the way.

When John Kerry is elected President, you'll never, ever have to wait for an elevator. We have a plan to make sure that elevators are plentiful, and available to all people. And never again will you be caught in the rain without an umbrella. Because umbrellas ain't the answer, are they? No. They just want you to buy those umbrellas to line the pockets of their friends in high fallutin' places. No. Under a Kerry Administration, it will never rain again. Except where we need it to and only when we want it to. Oh, and help is on the way.

When John Kerry is elected President, Old Yeller will survive. So will Thelma and Louise, you know. And that cute Ewok that got killed in "Return of the Jedi" . . . there ain't no need for him to die. When John Kerry is elected President, Anne Frank is gonna be alive. No, not just Patty duke, ya'll. The real one. John Kerry can do that because help is on the way.

We will stop juvenile diabetes, Parkinson's, Alzheimer's and other debilitating diseases... When John Kerry is president, people like Christopher Reeve are going get up out of that wheelchair and walk again.

When John Kerry is elected President there won't be no hurricanes and there ain't gonna be no Mount St. Helens, or whatever. Earthquakes? No problem. Tornadoes? No problem. Armageddon? No problem! We have a plan, ya'll -- help is on the way.

You got cancer? We can cure it. You a cripple? Easy Peasy. You deaf? Blind? Retarded? Please -- we have a plan. Never again will you suffer from agita, or gout, or anything else.

WE HAVE A PLAN AND HELP IS ON THE WAY.

Commentary: Just when you think they've hit rock bottom, they break out the drill and plumb even lower.

Next week I'm hoping they start dancing with poisonous snakes!

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