A major research institution has recently announced the discovery of the heaviest chemical element yet known to science. The new element has been tentatively named Governmentium. Governmentium has 1 neutron, 12 assistant neutrons, 75 deputy neutrons, and 11 assistant deputy neutrons, one proton, 2 electrons and 1 anti-electron giving it an atomic mass of 313. These 313 particles are held together by forces called morons, which are surrounded by vast quantities of lepton-like particles called peons and is known to radiate numerous quarks as well as neutrinos. Governmentium is inert in its natural state unless the taxpaying proton is dislodged from the nucleus, in which case there is a violent chain reaction whereby it attacks the protons of all other elements within the proximity of 1 light year.
However in its natural state, it can be detected easily as it impedes every reaction with which it comes into contact. A minute amount of Governmentium causes any chemical reaction to take over 10 to the 23rd times longer to complete then it would normally take.
Governmentium has a normal half-life of infinity; it does not normally decay, but instead undergoes a transmutation every 2-4 years, which is called an elect-decay acceleration in which a portion of the assistant neutrons and deputy neutrons exchange places and also dislodge some of the neutrons, and occasionally the proton and electrons.
If the proton or one of the electrons is dislodged in this process, Governmentium can reach critical mass and begin the radiate a tremendous number of alpha, beta and gamma particles. In this state one milligram of Governmentium is capable of annialiting a mass about the size of the moon.
Even in its natural state, Governmentium's mass will actually increase over
time, since each transmutation will cause some morons to become neutrons,
forming isodopes. Isodopes of governmentium are normally known as dronium, one
of the most useless and inert substances known to science.
This characteristic of moron-promotion leads some scientists to speculate that Governmentium is formed in a complete vacuum whenever morons reach a certain quantity in concentration. This hypothetical quantity is referred to as "Critical Morass". Governmentium has one nasty side effect if taken internally....It causes gray matter to solidify.
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