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Mars Comes Within 34.6 Million Miles of Earth, France Surrenders
Mars Comes Within 34.6 Million Miles of Earth, France Surrenders

PARIS — The planet Mars is closer to Earth than it's been in 60,000 years, prompting speculation that a Martian invasion is imminent. While the US dismisses the notion, the UN is calling for a resolution barring Martian forces from landing on Earth. A second resolution restricting "all Martian spacecraft and personnel" to US and British soil was gaining momentum.

France's President, Jacques Chirac, fearing extraterrestrial occupancy as unavoidable, ordered the French space agency Centre National d'Etudes Spatiales to launch six Ariane 5 rockets, carrying satellites armed with self-deploying white flags and really big "Vive La Martian!" banners. The satellites also contain pictorial representations of aliens dining at Paris bistros, sightseeing near the Eiffel Tower, and slithering gloriously beneath the Arc de Triomphe. All six satellites will maintain Earth orbit for over fifty years.

Although accustomed to foreign occupation, not all French citizens support the government's action. A small army of resistance fighters, donning aluminum foil hats and rubber wetsuits, was reported forming in the French Alps, and several French restaurants were already posting "Martians Not Served" signs. Hostile treatment of foreigners, a French tourism staple, is expected to remain unchanged.


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