Breaking: Obama Stunned to Learn He’s President

Responding to recent allegations that Barack Obama is president of the United States, putative White House press secretary Jay Carney stated he was looking into the matter. “We found out about Obama supposedly being president from reports in the media, just like everyone else.”

Appearing briefly at today’s news conference, Obama stated, “I’m madder than anybody to learn about this. If true, this is completely unacceptable. I won’t stand for it; I won’t tolerate it. Not a smidgen. Period.”

Pressed as to whether Obama, now aware that he’s commander-in-chief, would finally take action on the numerous scandals and failures plaguing his alleged administration, Carney emphasized Obama will first call for an investigation to get to the bottom of the troubling allegations. “He will not rush into this with incomplete information like his supposed predecessor. He will approach this in a deliberate, judicious manner. To this point, he’d been reliably informed that he was simply a member of ‘The Real Presidents of Washington, D.C.’ reality show. So, understandably, we’ll want to see what the investigation yields before acting.”

Asked by Ed Henry of Fox News why an investigation was needed when there had been two relatively well-publicized presidential elections in the last five years, Carney, who’d just announced his departure from whatever, retorted to the delight of the other members of the White House press corps, “Obviously, Ed, those reports were primarily driven by your network, and, frankly, have been seized upon and politicized by Republicans and other extremists. Those of us in the reality-based community want a bit more evidence of Barack’s alleged presidency.”
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