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America’s New Navy...
The Navy is proud of its new fleet of destroyers. Having initially named the first two ships USS Daring and USS Dauntless, the Naming Committee has, after intensive pressure from San Francisco , renamed them USS Cautious and USS Prudence.
The next five ships are to be named:
USS Timorous and
Costing 2 billion each, they meet the needs of the 21st century and comply with the very latest employment, equality, health & safety and human rights laws.
The new user-friendly crow's nest comes equipped with wheelchair access.
Live ammunition has been replaced with paintballs to reduce the risk of anyone getting hurt and to cut down on the number of compensation claims.Stress counselors and lawyers will be on duty 24hrs a day and each ship will have its on-board industrial tribunal.
The crew will be 50/50 men and women, and balanced in accordance with the latest Pentagon directives on race, gender, sexuality and disability.
Sailors will only have to work a maximum of 37 hrs per week in line with Washington’s Health & Safety rules, even in wartime!
All the vessels will come equipped with a maternity ward and nursery, situated on the same deck as the Gay Disco.
Tobacco will be banned throughout the ship, but cannabis will be allowed in the wardroom and messes.
The Navy is eager to shed its traditional reputation for; "Rum, sodomy and the lash"; so out has gone the occasional rum ration which is to be replaced by sparkling water.
Although sodomy remains, it has now been extended to include all ratings under 18. The lash will still be available but only on request.
Condoms can be obtained from the Boatswain in a variety of flavors, except Capstan Full Strength.
Saluting officers has been abolished because it is deemed elitist and is to be replaced by the more informal, "Hello Sailor".
All information on notice boards will be printed in 37 different languages and Braille.
Crew members will now no longer be required to ask permission to grow beards or moustaches - this applies equally to women crew members.
The department is working on a new "non-specific" flag because the Blue Ensign is considered to be offensive to minorities because few have blue eyes.
The newly re-named USS Cautious is due to be commissioned soon in a ceremony conducted by Captain Muhammad
Muballigh from the Finsbury Park Mosque who will break a petrol bomb over the hull. She will gently slide into the water as the Band plays "In the Navy" by the Village People.
Her first deployment will be to escort boat loads of illegal immigrants across the gulf to ports on America's south coast.
The Secretary of Defense Chuck Hagel said, "While these ships reflect the very latest in modern thinking, they are also capable of being up-graded to comply with any new legislation coming out of Washington."
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