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Cap And Trade
and your "carbon footprint"
According to the environmental lobbies and Al Gore, you can offset your
"carbon footprint"--the amount of carbon dioxide you exhale, you are
responsible for putting into the atmosphere--by buying what are known as "carbon
credits." Al Gore has been selling 'em and has gotten rich doing so. Since I
want to be rich too, here's my proposal.
Pay me $1000 and I will sign a contract promising not to fly on an airplane
for the entire calendar year of 2009. For another $1000, I will refrain from
firing up my barbecue for the year. I am also able to provide a methane credit
for the low, low price of $500, which will result in my not eating Mexican,
Indian, or Thai food for the year.
If you'll buy a "carbon credit" from me (they cost 1,000 U.S. dollars
each--or 500 Euros)I will plant a tree somewhere that will offset the amount of
carbon dioxide you are responsible for by absorbing CO2 and converting it to
oxygen. You might want to consider buying one for your spouse and each of your
children, too, so they can also be "off the hook," environmentally
If you jog or do other cardio exercises, you'll be breathing faster and
putting even more CO2 into the atmosphere and will need to buy correspondingly
more "carbon credits," of course. Then, if you keep pets, you'll need to buy
partial credits for each of them, dependent upon their size. Generally, a horse
is worth 5 credits, a dog 1 to 1/2 credit, dependent upon size, and a goldfish
or hamster maybe 1/10th of a credit.
Letís recap this incredible bargain. For only $999.99 you get the carbon
offsets, a reduction in your personal guilt, AND the Green Badge. But
wait! Thatís not all. What an incredible deal. You get the carbon offsets, a
conscious free of guilt. But thatís not all! If you act within the next 10
minutes, weíll throw in "Barack Obamaís Secret Plan to Bring Down Gas Prices."
Yes, youíll get a tire pressure gauge!
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These valuable carbon credits are now available to assuage the consciences of
environmental kooks everywhere. Call soon! At prices like these, they won't