Iraqi Info Minister says "We are winning the war", states al-Sahaf, "We have them just where we want them.
Early today, coalition cruise missiles slammed into Baghdad’s Ministry of Information. Coalition sources claim the building sustained tremendous damage. However, Iraqi Minister of Information Saeed al-Sahaf, pictured below, denies the claim and asserts that Iraqi engineers diverted the missiles to Washington, where they leveled the White House, two reform synagogues, and a store selling Honey-Baked Ham.
Al-Sahaf: "Invasion? What invasion?"
"Verily," said al-Sahaf, "Allah has smitten the head of the great serpent, and bloody great boils shall arise on its hindparts. The infidels shall taste the dung of misbegotten goats, and their leaders shall wallow face-down in our mighty feces. They laugh with the tongues of hyenas, but soon the venom of scorpions shall swell their miserable bollocks."
Asked to clarify his remarks for the rubes, al-Sahaf stated that there were no American troops on Iraqi soil, but that he had crossed into Kuwait on a magic carpet and personally killed two thousand Marines with a Swiss Army knife.
When pressed for details, al-Sahaf stormed away
from the podium and threatened to melt the assembled press with his heat vision.
The Glorious Iraqi Army has defeated the stupid Americans outside of Um-Qasr.
The brave Iraqi freedom fighters have destroyed the evil American agressors outside of Al-Basra.
The god-fearing Iraqi holy warriors smote the Yankee imperialist running dogs of the Zionist host outside of Al-Nassariya.
Two simple patriotic Iraqi farmers destroyed 12,000 infidel tanks outside of Karabala, with pitchforks, a roll of ductape, and a healthy dose of divine providence.
The Al-Quds division of the Republican Gaurd has slaughtered 25 million of the evil American swine on the outskirts of Baghdad, chasing them into full retreat.
Final victory, the liberation of Al-Quds from the evil Zionist aggressors, is at hand.
(With so many Iraqi victories, its a marvel we even had a chance.)
Baghdad, Iraq - Iraqi Information Minister Mohammed Saeed al-Sahaf, a last-minute replacement for Saddam Hussein, dealt a severe blow to the coalition forces in his television address. "He essentially blew the lid off the web of deceptive propaganda presented by the media", states an anonymous, drifter reporter fearful of being fired from his new job.
"We are winning the war", states al-Sahaf, "We have them just where we want them. We are beating the hell out of their bombs and missiles with our buildings. So far every one of their weapons has been destroyed by our superior buildings. We have successfully defeated major coalition divisions, and currently have over 3,000,000 American Prisoners of War. Our elite Navy has taken control of several aircraft carriers, and we are currently test-flying B-2 bombers we stole from the U.S. Air Force when we seized control of them last week. In fact, Saddam couldn't be here because he having such a good time driving around the M-1 tank we got him when we took over the U.S. Army. This week we plan to take over the Marines and Special Forces, then we're heading to Qatar to carpet-bomb their Central Command", Al-Sahaf gloated.
In closing, al-Sahaf stated, "Let's go and do jihad." Throughout the world, parody songwriters are scrambling to find a melody to slip those words into. I'm thinking Barry Manilow's 'Copa Cabana' would do nicely, but that may just be me.
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