News I'd Like To See
Turning on the news now is a dismal
experience. It’s bleak. Most of the reporting and opining is ignorant or
superficial, and it’s all depressing. We need some dramatically different news.
When I was a kid, I read Mad Magazine, and enjoyed their “commercials we’d like
to se” and ”movies we’d like to see.” Here’s some news I’d like to
Bernie Madoff is sentenced to four years in the Obama
administration. He will do hard time as special investigator and prosecutor of
financial fraud within banks, financial institutions, public corporations and
government bail-outs, rescues and stimuli. And, he must simultaneously serve as
head of the SEC and Fed chairman.
Well, why not? Bernie is
obviously smarter and more capable than any of the officials in these regulatory
agencies, including the woman who was responsible for watch-dogging him (whom
Obama is giving a promotion to run the SEC) and the petty thief or imbecile
(choose A or B) who claims he didn’t know he owed taxes from his self-employed
earnings or that he couldn’t deduct costs of sending his kid to summer camp as
child care. Obama has appointed him to run the entire Treasury, including,
ironically, the IRS. You can’t make this stuff up.
Serving in these
jobs should be more punishing than sitting in a minimum security prison playing
poker. By the way, Bernie only stole $50-billion. The banks, the auto-makers,
Paulson, Congress and others conspired to steal trillions. It took Bernie 30
years. It took Congress about three months. If only the Congress-criminals were
a flight risk.
Barney Frank, Chris Dodd, and others in Congress who
spurred on the policies that destroyed Fannie Mae and Freddie Mac, that
encouraged companies like Countrywide to lend so recklessly, that saw no evil in
the financial institutions they were regulating, are all sent to
The terrorists there are relocated to Congress, to serve out
the GITMO-bound crooks’ terms. This allows Obama to come close to keeping one
campaign promise to the Left, it makes better use of a federal asset, and it
ends all the trouble with finding some place to put the current wards of GITMO.
Odds are, the terrorists committed to America’s destruction will do less damage
in Congress than the thieves they’re replacing.
Every executive at
Citi, Bank of America, Chrysler and GM, fired, tarred and feathered, and driven
into exile by huge crowds with flaming torches and pointed
Bill Parcells replaces all of them by himself. If he can
turn the pitiful Dolphins around in one season, operating within a salary cap,
imagine what he could do with a trillion dollars. Parcells immediately hires
Romney, who should have been elected president in the first
Anyone using the phrase “too big to fail” is immediately
hauled off to a labor camp in Alaska – where they can see Russia while they
Al Gore is appointed Global Freezing Emergency
And to save on energy, he has to share a small office with
that annoying environmental nutball Ed Begley Jr.
In a shocking
turn of events, entrepreneurs and small business owners have formed a union and
gone on strike.
They’re refusing to re-open their businesses, meet
payrolls or create any taxable income until they are guaranteed no less than $72
an hour in net income, full health care benefits, 20 paid vacation days a year,
and pensions paying 80 percent of the income they earned when managing their
businesses. They demand these guarantees regardless of whether their businesses
make or lose money, make and sell products people will buy or not, or endlessly
pile up mountains of unmanageable debt periodically requiring federal
In a related story, homeowners who have paid their
mortgages as agreed – that is, more than 93 percent of all mortgages – have also
formed a union.
They are refusing to make any payments until all
their loans are re-written with 50 percent reductions in principal owed, 0
percent interest for 30 years, and free swimming pools or game rooms provided as
Finally today, the White House press corps is
surprised by an impromptu press conference called by President Obama, at which
he delivered the shortest speech in presidential
Dan Kennedy is a serial entrepreneur,
adviser to business owners, sought-after speaker and author of 13 books. More
information about Dan can be found atwww.NoBSBooks.com, and a free collection of
his business resources including newsletters and webinars at www.DanKennedy.com