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Pun-tastic Groaners!

A backwards poet writes inverse.
A baker stopped making donuts after he got tired of the hole thing.
A baker's job is a piece of cake.
A bicycle can't stand on its own because it is two tired.
A boiled egg in the morning is hard to beat.
A cannibal's favourite game is 'swallow the leader'.
A cardboard belt would be a waist of paper.
A cat ate some cheese and waited for a mouse with baited breath.
A chicken crossing the road is poultry in motion.
A criminal's best asset is his lie ability.
A dentist and manicurist fought tooth and nail.
A ditch digger is entrenched in his career.
A doctor who fell on his funny bone had a nurse tell him it was a humerus incident.
A dog went to the flea circus and stole the show.
A good baker will rise to the occasion - it's the yeast he can do.
A grenade thrown into a kitchen in France would result in Linoleum Blownapart.
A guy became so good with a chainsaw that he was promoted to branch manager.
A guy who used to sell boomerangs is trying for a comeback.
A guy with money to burn may well find a gal who wants to play with fire.
A hangover is the wrath of grapes.
A karate school restaurant served mainly chops.
A long knife has been invented that cuts four loaves of bread at a time called a four loaf cleaver.
A lot of money is tainted. It taint yours and it taint mine.
A man given a watch at his retirement said 'it's about time'.
A man needs a mistress just to break the monogamy.
A man's home is his castle, in a manor of speaking.
A midget fortune-teller who escapes from prison is a small medium at large.
A murderer had heartburn because of something the assassinate.
A music store was robbed. The thief made away with the lute.
A nut named Hazel held up a bank saying 'give me all the cashew have'.
A pediatrician is a doctor of little patients.
A perfectly spherical pumpkin makes good pi.
A pet store had a bird contest with no perches necessary.
A plateau is a high form of flattery.
A police dog is often the scenter of a drug arrest.
A prisoner's favorite punctuation mark is the period. It marks the end of his sentence.
A sailor who met a widow was soon second mate.
A successful diet is the triumph of mind over platter.
A tangled bell ringer tolled himself off.
A tatoo artist has designs on his clients.
A thief who stole a calendar got twelve months.
A waterbed may just be the vinyl resting place.
A zoo had a camel with no humps named 'Humphrey'.
A zoo had too many panda bears, so they built a pandemonium.
Acupuncture is a jab well done.
Alcohol and calculus don't mix so don't drink and derive.
An ambassador is the one who lies abroad for the good of the country.
An elevator makes ghosts happy because it lifts the spirits.
An experienced waiter can give a lot of good tips.
An office with many people and few electrical outlets could be in for a power struggle.
Ancient orators tended to Babylon.

Bakers have a great knead to make bread.
Baker's Motto: "It's nice to be kneaded."

Bakers trade bread recipes on a knead to know basis.

California smog test: Can UCLA?
Cats are often the victims of fur-ball abuse.
Chronic illegal parkers suffer from parking zones disease.
Coaches usually have a goal in mind.
Condoms should be used on every conceivable occasion.

Dancing cheek-to-cheek is really a form of floor play.
Dentists practice by going through many drills.
Dermatologists often make rash statements.
Did you hear about the fire at the circus? The heat was intense.
Did you know that donuts were first made in Greece?
Diets are for people who are thick and tired of it all.
Dijon vu - the same mustard as before.
Direction a sneeze travels: Atchoo!
Doctors feel fine on ships because they are accustomed to see sickness.
Does the name Pavlov ring a bell?
Don't believe what you hear about fleas and ticks - it's all lice.
Don't expect to eat something fancy when you're flying because it's plane food.
Drinking too much coffee can cause a latte problems.
Driving on so many turnpikes was taking its toll.

English kidney bank: Liverpool.
Every calendar's days are numbered.

Farmers are real experts - they are often outstanding in their field.
Fishermen at Newfoundland's Grand Banks saying: "Turbot for the Plaice of Cod Go Aye."

Florist: "Long time no zinnia!"
Flying these days is a frisky business.

Gardeners always know the ground rules.

Gasoline with carrot juice - you get beta mileage.
Girls who don't get asked out as often as their friends could feel out-dated.

Hawaii vacationers are here today, gone to Maui.
He bought a donkey because he thought he might get a kick out of it.
He drove his car until the day of wreckoning.
He had a photographic memory that was never developed.
He often broke into song because he couldn't find the key.
He loved crosswords. They buried him six down and three across.
He put bug spray on his watch to get rid of the ticks.
He was hit on the head during a hailstorm and was knocked out cold.
He wears glasses during math because it improves division.
He who talks with his mouth full is speaking ingest.
How do you make antifreeze? Steal her blanket.

'I have a split personality' said Tom being Frank.
I need to cut my fingernails before they get too out of hand.
I used to be a tap dancer until I fell in the sink.
If a lawyer can be disbarred, can a musician be denoted, or a model deposed?
If we don't conserve water we could go from one ex-stream to another.
If you don't pay your exorcist you get repossessed.
If you get a fruit basket from your psychiatrist it will probably be shrink-wrapped.
If you get sick at the airport it could be a terminal illness.
If you give some managers an inch they think they're a ruler.
If you play around with a guillotine, you'll beheaded for an accident.
If you're looking for oranges on an apple tree you will have a fruitless search.
In democracy its your vote that counts. In feudalism its your count that votes.
In middle east outdoor markets you can find bazaar items for sale.
In order to talk to a Viking you need to know Norse code.
It was an emotional wedding. Even the cake was in tiers.
It wasn't school John disliked it was just the principal of it.
It's better to love a short girl than not a tall.

Lazy sailors look forward to chore leave.
Local Area Network in Australia: the LAN down under.
Long fairy tales have a tendency to dragon.
Love can be a touchy subject.

Marathon runners with bad footwear suffer the agony of defeat.
Minds are like parachutes - they function only when open.
My uncle called my grandfather a deer when he let my antelope.

Nature reserves are an eagle opportunity employer.
Never lie to an x-ray technician. They can see right through you.
Noah wasn't the first off the ark. He came forth.
Nylons give women a run for their money.

Old bakers never die, they just keep making lots of dough.
Old burglars never die they just steal away.
Old gardeners never die they just vegetate.
Old grocers never die, they just get shelved.
Old lawyers never die they just lose their appeal.
Old mediums never die - they just give up the ghost.
Old power plant workers never die they just de-generate.
Old programmers never die, they just can't C as well.
Old skiers never die - they just go down hill.
Once you've seen one shopping center you've seen a mall.

People with a lot of vision started the Blind Institute.
Pour hot water down a rabbit hole and you get a hot cross bunny.
Practice safe eating - always use condiments.
Priests make sure they use the correct syn-tax.

Put Mexican booze in a birdbath if you want Tequilla mockingbird.

Reading while sunbathing makes you well-red.

Santa's helpers are subordinate clauses.
Sea captains don't like crew cuts.
Seven days without a pun makes one weak.
She was engaged to a boyfriend with a wooden leg but broke it off.
She was only a whisky maker but he loved her still.
Shoe stores believe there's dignity in de feet.
Shotgun wedding: A case of wife or death.
Show me someone in denial and I'll show you a person in Egypt up to their ankles.
Show me a piano falling down a mineshaft and I'll show you A-flat minor.
Skipping school to bungee jump will get you suspended.
Small people are in short supply.
Some burglars are always looking for windows of opportunity.
Some people don't have the Vegas idea of how to quit gambling.
Some people don't like food going to waist.
Some people find fire drills quite Alarming.
Some people get married only for the matri-money.
Some people's noses and feet are built backwards: their feet smell and their noses run.
Some Spanish government employees are Seville servants.
Stealing someone's coffee is called 'mugging'.
Studying fungus is a way to mold young minds.
Successful dieters might win the Nobelly prize.

Talking to her about computer hardware, I make my mother board.
Teaching your kids in the heat of the moment is bad heir-conditioning.
The best vitamin for making friends is B-1.
The best way to stop a charging bull is to take away his credit card.
The case against a donut thief was full of holes.
The cowboy reached for his gun and then drew a blank.
The difference between a champ and a chump is U.
The drunk said I'd rather have a bottle in front of me than a frontal lobotomy.
The duck said to the bartender, 'put it on my bill.'
The first scientists who studied fog were mistified.
The magician got so mad he pulled his hare out.
The man who fell into an upholstery machine is fully recovered.
The one who invented the door knocker got a No-bell prize.
The poet had written better poems, but he'd also written verse.
The poor guy fell into a glass grinding machine and made a spectacle of himself.
The primary responsibility for a child's education is apparent.
The short fortune teller who escaped from prison was a small medium at large.
There was a ghost at the hotel, so they called for an inn spectre.
There was once a cross-eyed teacher who couldn't control his pupils.
There's a repair shop for baroque musical instruments.
Those who do not want to be counted have taken leave of their census.
Those who get too big for their britches will be exposed in the end.
Those who hate classical music have my symphony.
Those who jump off a Paris bridge are in Seine.
Those who play team sports usually have a ball.
Those who steal trains must have a loco-motive.
Those who study the moon are optimists - they look at the bright side.
Those who throw dirt are sure to lose ground.
Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.
Tires are fixed for a flat rate.
To become an electrician you have to pass a battery of tests.
To learn rope tricks you have to be taut.
To some - marriage is a word... to others - a sentence.
Two banks with different rates have a conflict of interest.
Two crooks bought a hotel. They were innmates.
Two peanuts were walking in a tough neighborhood and one of them was a-salted.
Two robbers with clubs went golfing, but they didn't play the fairway.

Waiters are good at multiplication because they know their tables.
What you seize is what you get.
What's the definition of a will? (It's a dead giveaway).
When a clock is hungry it goes back four seconds.
When a college dormitory exploded a lot of roomers were flying.
When a hospital runs out of maternity nurses they have a mid-wife crisis.
When a new hive is done, bees have a house swarming party.
When a skunk walked in, the judge said, 'odor in the court'.
When an actress saw her first strands of gray hair she thought she'd dye.
When cannibals ate a missionary they got a taste of religion.
When chemists die, we barium.
When he lost his bottle of gin he became very dis-spirited.
When the artist tried to draw a cube he had a mental block.
When the electricity went off during a storm at a school the students were de-lighted.
When the glassblower inhaled he got a pane in the stomach.
When the human cannonball retired they couldn't find a replacement of the right caliber.
When the TV repairman got married the reception was excellent.
When the wheel was invented, it caused a revolution.
When they bought a water bed, the couple started to drift apart.
When two egotists meet, it's an I for an I.
When William joined the army he disliked the phrase 'fire at will'.
With her marriage she got a new name and a dress.

You can whip our cream but you can't beat our milk.
You feel stuck with your debt if you can't budge it.

Pun #1…
A fellow received a mouse for his birthday and he loved it so much that he never parted with it. He took this mouse everywhere, to work, to parties, to the opera... One day, a good friend of his died and so he went to pay his respects at the funeral parlor. Naturally, he took the mouse, which was perched on his shoulder. On his way home, he suddenly realized that the mouse was gone! He retraced all his moves for the day and realised that the last place he had seen the mouse was at the funeral parlor. He raced back across town, but arrived too late. The body had been removed and was already being transported to the cemetary in the hearse. The mouse must have jumped off his shoulder onto the casket and gotten carried into the hearse along with the casket. Probably frightened, the mouse must have sought shelter in the closed casket! It was too late ... the mouse was being buried alive. Filled with grief as he remembered an old adage his mother had told him time and time again as a kid...
Never lock a gift mouse in the hearse.

Pun #2 …
The famous general died and his ashes were to be taken to Arlington National Cemetery. All the air lines were booked and there were no other planes available. Someone came up with the idea of using a helicopter. It arrived at five a.m. The newspapers reported the incident with "the whirly bird gets the urn".

Pun #3 …
A Babylonian general was declared a traitor for leading a revolt. He escaped the night before he was to be executed and hid in an old Babylonian ziggurat, or temple, where he expected to find some of his associates. Not finding them, he began to burn the papers they had left and was immediately recaptured.
Moral of the story - Warning! The searchin' general has determined that smoking ziggurats may be hazardous to your stealth.

Pun #4 …
The King asked for three glasses of water. But his servant brought him two and a half glasses instead. What was the King's name?
Philip the Third

Pun #5 …
Every day a peddler pulled his cart of wool from his home to the village market. It was a long trip. He had to travel around the perimeter of a large lake that was owned by the town tycoon, a modern-day scrooge. One day during the winter the lake froze over. The peddler realized that he could cut off 2 miles from his trip if he crossed over the lake. He was spotted halfway across the lake by the tycoon. Scrooge came racing out of his mansion and screamed at the peddler, "I'll be danged if I let anyone pull the wool over my ice!"

Pun #6 …
In a certain city in Eastern Spain, there was a movie theater. The builders of the theater only built a single emergency exit door, rather than the two required by law. Sure enough there was a fire and several people were trampled to death.
The moral: Don't put all your basques in one exit.

Pun #7 …
Farmer Jones had heard that the best milk comes from contented cows. Therefore, he'd visit them every morning and tell them joe-ks. The cows laughed and laughed and gave excellent milk. But the news got around about the cows. They became known as the laughing stock of the community.

Pun #8 …
There was a man who loved to make up puns. One day a local magazine sponsored a pun-contest. The man entered the contest ten different times in the hope that at least one of his puns would win. Unfortunately, no pun in ten did.

Pun #9 …
This company had a real superior product in its butter substitute, but the company went under one time when it received an order for a million pounds of the stuff. Some of the employees made mistakes in preparing the product and much of it was wasted. They were not able to deliver in time. The company had not allowed enough margarine for error.

Pun #10 …
A man visiting Scotland one day drove through Fife. Feeling hungry, he stopped at a chinese restaurent he was passing. The food he ate there was by far the tastiest food he had ever eaten, so when he asked for the bill, he was astounded to find out that there was no charge. The waiter simply told him, "The best Ying's in Fife are free."

Pun #11 …
Explorer Leif Ericson returned from his voyage to the new world only to find that his name had been removed from the town register. He complained at the town meeting, viewing it as a slight. The town official immediately apologized, saying he must have taken Leif off his census.

Pun #12 …
Back in the 1800s the Tates Watch Company of Massachusetts wanted to produce other products and, since they already made the cases for pocket watches, decided to market compasses for the pioneers traveling west. It turned out that although their watches were of finest quality, their compasses were so bad that people often ended up in Canada or Mexico rather than California. This, of course, is the origin of the expression, "He who has a Tates is lost!"

Pun #13 …
A guy goes to his dentist complaining that something feels very wrong in his mouth. The dentist takes a look and shakes his head saying, "That new upper plate I put in for you six months ago is completely disintegrated. Something has eroded it almost completely away. What have you been eating?" The fellow replies, " Well, all I can think of is that about four months ago my wife made some asparagus and put some stuff on it she called Hollandaise sauce. I loved it so much that now I eat it on everything; my meat, my fish, on vegetables, on toast....on everything!"
"Well," said the dentist, "that's the answer. Hollandaise sauce is made with lots of lemon juice which is highly corrosive and that has eaten away your upper plate. I'll have to make you a new one and this time I'd better make it out of chrome."
"Why chrome?" asked the patient.
To which the dentist replied...
"It's simple."
"Everyone knows there's no plate like chrome for the Hollandaise!"

Pun #14 …
There once was a snake breeder who had two snakes he was trying to mate. For the life of him, he couldn't get them within two feet of each other. Frustrated, he called up the local zoologist, and explained the situation. She hurried over, picked up the snakes and looked at them. "You know what I would do?" she said. "See that tree over there? Chop it down, chop off a good sized log, split the log in two, and make two tables out of them. Put the tables and the snakes into a cage, and let them go at it." Well, the breeder thought that this was insane, but having no other options, he tried it. Sure enough, a few days later he had a whole slew of baby snakes. He called up the zoologist, and asked her how that was possible. She replied, "Well, you see, those snakes were adders. And everybody knows that to get adders to multiply you need log tables."

Pun #15 …
Did you hear the one about when the CEO of IBM had appendicitis? He went into surgery, and the doctor opened him up, but his appendix wasn't where it was supposed to be. Instead, the Big Guy's bladder was sitting right there. The doctor thought that he cut in the right place, and decided to start looking around for the appendix by poking around some. Eventually, the doc was able to locate the missing organ, and took it out. The doctor wrote about his experiences, and called the new surgical procedure, "Climbing the Corporate Bladder."

Pun #16 …
A leopard entered the Jungle Olympics every four years and always won the gold medal in the Long Jump. He got tired of this and the next Olympics decided try the High Jump and the Javelin. He did very poorly in both, thus proving that a leopard can't change his sports.

Pun #17 …
Roger Winslow was very thin because he was so afraid to spend money for food. He looked forward to the day when his grandfather would die and leave him a fortune. The grandfather died but all he left Roger was a cookie. They came to Roger looking for the fortune but couldn't find it because it had disappeared into thin heir.

Pun #18 …
A hungry African lion was roaming through the jungle looking for something to eat. He came across two men, one sitting under a tree reading a book and the other typing away at his typewriter. The lion quickly pounced on the man reading the book and devoured him instantly. Even the king of the jungle knows that readers digest and writers cramp.

Pun #19 …
Hangin's too good for a man who makes puns… He should be drawn and quoted.

Pun #20 …
A famous Viking explorer returned home from a voyage and found his name missing from the town register. His wife insisted on complaining to the local civic official who apologized profusely saying, "I must have taken Leif off my census."

Pun #21 …
An Indian chief was feeling very sick, so he summoned the medicine man. After a brief examination, the medicine man took out a long, thin strip of elk hide and gave it to the chief, instructing him to bite off, chew and swallow one inch of the leather every day. After a month, the medicine man returned to see how the chief was feeling. The chief shrugged and said, "The thong is ended, but the malady lingers on.

Pun #22 …
A thief broke into the local police station and stole all the restroom equipment. A spokesperson was quoted as saying, "We have absolutely nothing to go on."

Pun #23 …
A skeptical anthropologist was cataloging South American folk remedies with the assistance of a tribal brujo who indicated that the leaves of a particular fern were a sure cure for any case of constipation. When the anthropologist expressed his doubts, the brujo looked him in the eye and said, "Let me tell you, with fronds like these, who needs enemas?"

Pun #24 …
A marine biologist developed a race of genetically engineered dolphins that could live forever if they were fed a steady diet of seagulls. One day his supply of the birds ran out, so he had to go out and trap some more. On the way back, he spied two lions asleep on the road. Afraid to wake them, he gingerly stepped over them. Immediately, he was arrested for violation of the Mann Act, which prohibits transporting gulls across sedate lions for immortal porpoises.

Pun #25 …
A man rushed into the doctor's office and shouted, "Doctor! I think I'm shrinking!"
The doctor calmly responded, "Now, settle down. You'll just have to be a little patient."

Pun #26 …
Evidence has been found that William Tell and his family were avid bowlers. However, all the league records were unfortunately destroyed in a fire. Thus we'll never know for whom the Tells bowled.

Pun #27 …
A husband with little English struggled to explain that his wife could not have children, saying 'she is unbearable'. Getting a blank stare he tried: 'she is impregnable'. Then finally he figured he had it: 'she is inconceivable!'

Pun #28 …
A policeman accidentally arrested a judge who had dressed as a convict for a costume party - that cop learned never to book a judge by his cover.

Pun #29 …
A scientist doing a large experiment with liquid chemicals was trying to solve a problem when he fell in and became part of the solution.

Pun #30 …
I like European food so I decided to Russia over there because I was Hungary. After Czech'ing the menu I ordered Turkey. When I was Finnished I told the waiter 'Spain good but there is Norway I could eat another bite'.

Pun #31 …
The cannibal's cookbook titled 'How to Better Serve your Fellow Man' was written by a guy who had a wife and ate kids.